Only Fools and Horses (1981) s05e02 Episode Script

Bloody hell! Why don't you just get a megaphone and finish me off quickly! Now you know how I felt last night, I was fast akip I was, when you come in my room and made that horrible noise in my ear! - Yes, sorry.
- That could've killed me! - D'you reckon? - Where d'you get that trumpet from anyway? What trumpet? I felt my heart go all funny.
In my unconscious state I thought it was the abandon ship alarm! Oh yeah, thought they was playing your tune did you? Look, I'm sorry, alright? Yes, that's all very well innit.
You could at least say you're sorry! - I'm sorry! - So, what was it all about last night then? Well, it's just me and Del, we'd had a right blinding week, I mean we were selling it before we'd bought it, so we had a bit of a celebration, right.
Anyway, I went down the Nag's Head and, of course, Friday night is disco night innit? And I met this bird - Helen.
Oh, she really is something else.
I mean, she's tall, she's slender, bit older than me, but you know, I've been brought up to respect me elders.
Was it her trumpet? I don't know! I don't remember having a bloody trumpet.
Anyway, listen right, you've gotta see this bird, she really is the works.
Yeah, everyone in the pub was looking at me, they was as jealous as hell.
Do you know who she looks like? She looks like that Linda Evans out of Dynasty.
Which one's that, Joan Collins? How can bloody Linda Evans be Joan Collins? It's Linda Evans, you know, she plays Krystal Carrington! Oh her, that's a bit tasty innit son? Yeah, and she's got the right hots for your's truly.
I have struck gold, son.
Well, good luck to you boy.
Right, alright, you mouthy old git! What d'you think I am, mutton or something? Gawd blimey, eh? Oi, Rodney, you were a bit steaming when you came in last night, weren't you, eh? Yeah, well I had something to celebrate didn't I? Yeah, what, you finally got shot of it then, did ya? What? Well, you know, that old dog who was hanging round you last night.
'Old dog?' What d'you mean, 'old dog?' She was - she was a bit scraggy weren't she.
Blimey, she must have been six foot six! Well yeah, she was tallish.
Tallish? Blimey, not many birds call you shortie do they hey? He told me she looked like Krystle Carrington.
Krystal Carrington? Crystal bleedin' Palace more like from where I was standing! Derek, you do not even know the girl.
Yes I do, course I do.
Her name was Helen, right? No.
Oh yes it is.
'Cos I know, 'cos they call her Helen of Croydon.
The face that launched a thousand dredgers.
I'll do you a bit of breakfast Del.
No, leave me out Albert.
I've got a bit of business to do.
No, it's alright.
I tell you what, I could do with a bit of egg and bacon now.
Yeah, well, give Helen of Croydon a bell! Oi, oi, don't waste it, what's the matter with yer? Give us it.
Well, it's the way he treats me innit, him giving me all that just 'cos I woke him up.
So, er, I had a trumpet with me when I came in last night then? Oh yeah, that's right.
Belongs to Biffo the bear, his group were playing at the Nag's last night, don't you remember? What's he lend it to me for? He didn't did he? Don't you remember, you were so out of your mind at one point last night you went up on the stage, took his trumpet off him, blew down the wrong end, gave him the V-sign and walked out with it.
- Bloody hell, he's a big bloke an' all ain't he? - And he ain't 'alf in a bad mood an' all.
Why? Well, you won't believe this, some dozy git nicked his trumpet! I'll get it back to him today, hey, I'll buy him a drink or something.
Yeah, well, you've got the morning off, 'cos, you know, I'm busy.
- Where you going? - I'm goin' to church.
- Why? - Why not? See you later.
- Del gone? - He's gone to church! - Church? Del Boy? - Yeah! That's funny you know, 'cos he came in from the pub last night, had a couple of pina coladas and started talking to me about religion.
He asked me if I believed God saw everything - and, if so, did he take notes.
I've seen blokes catch religion before, it's always very sudden like.
.
- It's gone.
- What's gone? His Cliff Richard cassette.
Ah, it's most probably nothing son.
Maybe he feels the need of a bit of spiritual guidance.
Del? Yeah, maybe you're right Uncle.
Of course I am.
I mean, I couldn't honestly see Del Boy becoming one of yer Burning Bush and Joshua at the battle of Jericho mob, could you? No, what Del? With theNo of course not! Hey, talking of Joshua, where's that trumpet? I chucked it down the dust chute.
You did what? That ain't mine, it's Biffo's! He'll mangle my head! Well it'll teach you not to blow it in my ear 'ole won't it.
Oh, you dopey little git.
Where is it? It can't be that far down, he only chucked it out this morning.
Who'd chuck something like that down a chute? Pigs.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
How can I give it back to Biffo? He's bound to notice.
Albert! I hate you Albert! - Shop! - I'll be with you in just a moment! Right you are, thank you.
Flaming corns, will be the bane of my life.
- Is that you Del Boy? - Yes Father, it's me.
I thought as much! So, how are you these days? Well, you know, struggling.
How's yourself? Oh, the corns are still giving me gip.
I've got some lovely orthopaedic sandals coming along.
I'll pop a pair into you.
Thanks Derek.
So, to what do I owe this honour? I have come to confess my sins.
Oh Derek please.
.
I've been invited out to dinner this evening.
Well, it's just one main sin really.
Oh thanks be to God for that.
Wait a minute.
I didn't know you were Catholic.
Well, I don't know do I? I don't know that.
I was only a kid, but me mum was a Catholic.
Have you ever been to this church before? Of course I have, when me mum and dad got married.
You were just a little baby then! I mean have you ever been to this church since then? - Er, no.
- Del, my boy, you disappoint me.
I watched The Ten Commandments on the telly.
Look Father, I don't wanna get up there on Judgement Day and find out that I'm on the hit list.
I mean, God sees everything doesn't he? Look Derek, this is not the God'll Fix it Show.
Forgiveness is only for those who feel shame and remorse.
I do feel shame and remorse.
Father, does it matter what religion I am? Well, I don't know that you're not a Catholic, do I? That's the spirit, you know it makes sense.
Alright, fire away Del.
But the truth mind you, I don't want you lying in my confessional.
Would I lie to you? Well, about a week ago I bought some gear off a couple of gentlemen.
I bought it in good faith, honest I did.
Appears that last night I found out there was more to it than meets the eye.
I didn't know, honest I didn't.
I mean, I was led like an artificial lamb to the slaughter.
If I'd of known the full SP I would never have taken it on, honest I wouldn't.
But you don't ask do you? Well, you don't Del.
I didn't think I needed to ask, Father, I trusted these two gentlemen.
I believed that they were both honest and upstanding citizens of our community.
- Who were these men? - Sunglasses Ron and Paddy the Greek.
Well, you can't get them more honest and upstanding than them two.
I'll give you a choice of penance.
You can either say five Hail Maries and ten Our Fathers - …or make a little donation to the hospice fund? - Will a score be alright? - Is that it? All squared? - Your sins have been absolved Del.
- No, no Father, I wanted to be forgiven.
- You have been forgiven.
Oh, cushty.
So what's the fund for then Father? Are they building a new extension to the hospice or what? I wish they were Del.
No, unfortunately they're demolishing it.
But why? That's been there for years and years.
Ah, that's the problem.
Over the years it's become dilapidated.
They've estimated it'll cost a quarter of a million to repair it, that's what the fund's for.
But, I'm grieved to say, we've got little or no chance of reaching our target.
Wait a minute, maybe we could organise a charity darts match for you at the Nag's Head.
How much more money d'you need? - 185,000.
- Say I threw a raffle in an' all, eh? It's very, very kind of you Del, and I do appreciate it.
But I really think this is one battle that we've lost.
They can't knock it down.
What's gonna happen to all the old and the sick people living there? - Well, they'll move them out first.
- I know, I know that.
But I mean, to where? Who knows? They'll probably be disbursed to the four quarters of the metropolis, far away from their friends and relatives.
I mean, they're all local people in St Mary's.
I know, they looked after my old Mum you know, when she was ill.
- So they did.
- Treated her well an' all.
And my old Grandad - bless him, he used to moan at 'em a lot.
No, they can't knock it down! Can they? Well, it's out of our hands, look I'll be honest with you Del.
For the past six or seven months, since I first heard of the plans for the hospice, my faith has been severely tested.
All my efforts and prayers have failed.
You know, I feel as if I've let the people down.
Now come on, come on, don't talk like that Father.
Come on, something'll turn up.
Remember the old saying? He who dares wins.
Well, I'll bear it in mind.
Say a prayer for me Del.
Yeah, I will.
Sweet Jesus! Derek! - I'm putting it in, I'm putting it in! - Come down here, quickly! - What's happening? - Come and see this, hurry! - What is it? - Look! It's a miracle.
Don't get many of them round Peckham.
It's a sign Del.
A sign that we can make a fortune! What? Can't you see what we've got ourselves? An authentic, delux miracle.
They go for a bomb these days.
How do you talk about money at a time like this? Well, what d'you wanna talk about, yer holidays? Don't you see the opportunity you're being presented with here? People will pay hard cash just to see this sort of thing.
Look, I have no intention of turning my church into some fairground peep show.
And how could I charge my own flock to see their miracle? I'm not talking about your flock.
I'm talking about the newspapers, the magazines, the television! The media people will pay through their noses just to get this sort of thing on their front pages! I don't know if it's right Derek.
See those old people down at St Mary's hospice, they'd think it right wouldn't they? Listen to me, with the money you could earn out of this, you could have that place repaired, redecorated and get Samantha Fox to reopen it for yer! D'you really think we could? Yeah of course.
I mean she don't come cheap, but I'll see what I can do.
No, I mean save the hospice? Of course, of course we can.
It'll be a doddle.
Where's your phone? It's alright, I'll find it, you stay here.
- I don't think I could exploit - No, you couldn't Father, but I'm shit hot at it! - Look at it! Just look at it will you! - Get that thing away from me.
What am I supposed to tell Biffo? I let Yuri Geller have a go on it! Tell him what you want son, ain't my problem.
And you chucked all that rubbish down the chute knowing that I was at the bottom! I've had to have a shower and everything.
I didn't chuck the rubbish down the chute.
It must have been one of the neighbours.
- I found your kipper.
- It could have been anyone's kipper.
- Oh yeah, and how many kippers wear Brut? - Is that what that horrible taste was? - Yeah.
- You sprinkled it with after-shave? Yes I did to get even with you.
I wish I hadn't told you where your trumpet was now.
So do I actually.
Hold that.
Hello.
Del, you wanna see what Rumplestiltskin's done to this trumpet, he's only gone and chucked Oh, sorry! What'd you mean, phone Reuters? You've seen a what? What happened, did Boycie buy a round? Alright, alright, keep your hair on! Yeah, bloody hell, hold on Yeah, right, ok - Reuters, Tass, Peckham Echo Oh right, BBCITV Right, what about channel Four? Oh no, right ok.
Yeah, I've got it all, it's all here mate.
Yeah, take care, I'll see you later on, see ya.
Bye.
- He's flipped.
He's completely bloody loopy! - Why, what's happened? - He's seen a miracle.
- A miracle? Well, that's what the man said.
Hang on a minute.
Last night he was talking about God.
This morning he went to church, this afternoon he's seen a miracle.
It can only mean one thing.
He's caught religion.
No, he's pulling a stroke ain't he? Oh, come on, think about it.
There are Cardinals and Archbishops - they've been in the business all their lives and never got a sniff of a miracle.
Then along comes Del, he's in the game five minutes and already he's a prophet.
Profit being the operative word! How's he gonna make money out of the church? Nothing's happening Del.
They've been waiting three days, and nothing's happened.
Here Father, look at these contracts.
I worked them out in such a way that if they want to sell any of the photographs or the film of the miracle anywhere else in the world, - …they've got to pay you again, look see.
- You've made them sign contracts? Of course I have, it's business innit? No poppy, no picture, that's my motto.
But what happens if the miracle doesn't occur again? Well, we give 'em their money back, I suppose.
But don't worry, don't worry.
I always get this feeling when the miracle's due and I've got a feeling it could be pretty son too.
- Well, I hope you're right.
- Trust me, trust me.
- No luck? - You know, sort of.
Here take a butchers at that will ya.
They're paying you all that money? Well, it's not every day that they get a chance to see a miracle is it, eh? And that's just the British media, you wait till the rest of the world's press gets here.
- Look at all these noughts Rodney.
- Yeah.
- You can see his game now can't yer? - What are you talking about? You're gonna cream some off ain't yer? Now you listen to me Albert, I am not the kind of bloke who cheats on the sick and the elderly.
You put your peepers down there, you'll see that all cheques are made payable to St Mary's hospice fund! Sorry son.
That's alright.
I simply want to keep that place open, and you'd better pray I succeed! Why? 'Cos one more crack out of you and you're gonna be their next client! David, take a look at this will you! Take a look at that one Rodney.
- Good day, Australian Broadcasting.
- Good day to you.
Sign that pal.
Well what is it? That tells you how much you've gotta pay to take pictures of the finest little miracle this side of Heaven.
Struth! Stone the crows! I tell you what we're gonna do, while we're waiting, save us getting bored, we're gonna have another little collection.
Alright, there we go, come on, that's it thank you very much.
Come on everybody, now let's dig deeply, it's for the poor and needy.
No coins please, because it scratches the pewter.
Thank you, and you, danke schon, merci bo-coo.
Very nice.
Thank you.
- Hello, now they're off and running! - Get that camera over here.
Just a minute, just a minute.
Have you signed that contract please? Thank you.
Oi mind the camera there will yer? Thank you very much.
There you are Rodney, it's done, my son.
This is the happiest day in my life.
Yeah, I know what you mean Father.
It's rien ne va plus as the French would say Where's the brolly? Sign that will you.
Oh yeah, sure, who's it for then, the wife or the kids? That's a receipt for all the collections.
- Hey, oh right.
- Oi Bruce! Why are they all called Bruce? - Mr Trotter? - Yes? Sandra Cox, NBC, New York.
Father O'Keith told me that you actually prophesied the miracles.
Um, yes, that's true, that's me.
I wonder if we might have a short interview for our viewers over in the States? Yes, of course.
Make-up? Is there some make-up there? Everyone gone? Oh, yes, yes they have all they need.
And so do we.
All thanks to your nephew.
Yeah, he brought you nothing but luck, didn't he? Unfortunately he also brings the weather with him.
Every time he's prophesied the miracle it's been pouring with rain.
And what form do these 'divine' messages take? What happens is that I get this strange sort of feeling from the centre of my body.
At first, I thought it was a dodgy mutton tikka.
Then I realised I was in fact a prophet.
Many are called, but I'm afraid, few are chosen.
I do not want any reward for the work I have done for the elderly and sick in the community.
No medals, no OBEs, no Nobel Prizes.
I would like to think, however, if there is enough money left after repairing the hospice that they might build a new wing and perhaps name it after me.
This would - Thank you.
- Come with me! Sorry viewers, the Lord's work calls.
Rodney Trotter signing off.
Oh, cut.
.
Bit dirty up here, innit? Don't shove, don't shove.
Look at my roof! Bloody hell! Sorry.
And look! The water seeping through the floor across the joist onto the lamp and right onto the statue.
This isn't a miracle, it's a flaming leak! - Oh, that's a turn-up, innit? - Somebody's stolen the lead.
You can't trust anyone these days can you, eh? No, wait, you're in luck, because we've got a load of lead in our ga I don't believe you! So this is what you bought off Sunglasses Ron and Paddy the Greek isn't it? I didn't know at the time, otherwise I wouldn't have touched it.
That's what I come to tell you.
- But you didn't tell me.
- No, I'm not a grass, am I? You knew all along it was no miracle, you weren't receiving divine messages, you were listening to the weather forecast! Yeah, we saved St Mary's though, didn't we.
Derek, look me in the eyes! Are you telling me that for the sake of some small, decrepit old building, you created this whole tissue of lies and deceit? You deliberately and willingly set out to defraud all those newspapers and television companies out of thousands and thousands of pounds? Is that what you're telling me? God bless you my son! I was gonna do some lecture tours, organise prayer meetings at Wembley you know, that sort of thing.
This time next year we was gonna be millionaires! This time next year you'd have been a prison inmate unless you watch your step! If I was you Derek, I would keep a very low profile.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for your cooperation.
- Where's my trumpet? - Oh hello, Biffo, how are you? Where's my trumpet? Your trumpet.
Yeah, there's been a bit of a hitch on the old trumpet front, mate.
See that old man over there? Oi! Where's my trumpet? Ain't you gonna do something? Yeah, course I am! Oi, do you want to film some authentic inner city violence? Come on, bring yer cameras, bring your wallets.
Rodney, not so fast!