Orange Is the New Black s05e02 Episode Script
Fuck, Marry, Frieda
1 Now, you'll want to pick the gayest handkerchief you can find, since this will serve as your doll's head.
Uh, I'll choose apple-blossom pink for my demonstration.
I'm gonna give my doll bangs like Debbie Reynolds.
My mom says I can't watch her movies anymore, now that she gave her lady gift to Eddie Fisher.
- What does that mean? - It's some kind of flower.
This may not look as tricky as the Indian Lore badge or the Backyard Chef badge, but the Hobby Fun badge has eluded many a sloppy girl.
Did you hear that, Frieda? Finally a badge you won't get.
You calling me sloppy? And smelly.
Also smelly.
It's the beaver musk I put around my neck.
Well, it smells like a monkey butt.
Technically, it does come from the anal glands, which makes it very helpful when you want to attract deer.
"Attract deer"? Are you gonna marry them? I'm gonna shoot 'em.
You were right.
She is an alien from outer space.
Do you know the Nature Scout motto? "Ready for any and all things.
" Do you know what it means? What if your mom went away one day and there were no more finger sandwiches? What if the sky went dark and all the crops died? Would you know which plants were safe to eat and which ones will make you vomit till you're dead? Could you kill an animal and clean it without cutting the intestines? Could you take its skin and salt it and tan it to keep warm? Or would you sit in the corner with your doll and wait to die? I'll take a piece of that green gingham over there, thank you.
Uh, hello? Hello? - Anybody there? - Maybe it's broken.
Hey, uh, if you're a guard, buzz twice.
Not a good sign.
The one who kicked me in the vag is kinda cute.
Good Aryan stock.
You can't tell by looking.
I met a Jew once, nose like a Kewpie doll.
And the crotch kicker's mine.
You get the bald one.
But I called him.
Hair likes hair, bald likes bald.
Why do you think Cali skins don't fuck Idaho Klan? - No mixing.
- Both.
What? All for Helen.
News flash, ladies.
Those boys don't wanna fuck any of you.
They don't see you as women.
Look, the garden gnome talks.
The fuck are you doing, anyway? Craft project.
What a weirdo.
They look kinda dumb.
I like someone I can have a conversation with.
Oh, wait, are we talking sex or relationship here? Fuck, marry, kill.
There's only two of them.
Three of us.
It'll pass the time.
Hey, Einstein.
He knows his name.
Wanna play a game? - Oh, sh - Shit, you scared me.
No, you scared me with that performance back there.
You should win an Oscar and use it like a dildo.
Sorry, I just had to clear my head.
You got that gun on you? Yeah, it's in my underwear drawer.
What you think? Go collect the guards from the bubble.
Bring 'em to the chapel.
Get Flaritza to help you, all right? - Flaritza? - Yeah, that's their thing now.
I'll see you in the chapel in ten minutes.
We gonna get organized.
You need to bow out? This is your chance, right here, right now.
All you gotta do is hand over the piece.
Nah, I got this.
Good.
- No more Girl, Interrupted shit, okay? - Wait, what does that mean? - Like, letting people interrupt me? - Nah, it's, like, the whitest movie ever.
Just don't act like a gringa mental case, okay? I thought you said this shit was clickbait.
Be patient.
All it takes is one retweet.
We was supposed to be "Hamster With a Burrito.
" - Instead, we nothin' but Side Boob.
- Mmm-hmm.
Hey, "Workers in the Mine" has over 1,100 views.
Yeah? Well, how many of those was from your mama? Ooh, ya burnt! That'll do it.
State your business.
Oh, shit, they got Jefe.
They don't "got" me.
Kinda looks that way.
Business? Ruiz is havin' a little orientation in the chapel.
A reorientation.
- Pass.
- Yeah.
Where I come from, you don't hang with bitches packin' caliber.
That guard only took one bullet.
Too many left.
Yeah, we keepin' this here a no-violence zone.
A no-gun zone.
We cool with Spam cans in socks.
Hey, your call.
Look, we was just tryin' to have a racially inclusive riot and shit.
Wait, a guard was shot? Yeah, but he ain't dead or nothin'.
- Yeah - Yo, we got a comment, y'all.
Yo, here come a revolution! Hold up.
"Earn up to $1,200 a week from home.
" Looks like the spam escaped your socks.
Wait, you can make that kinda money from home? So I'm asking you to poke your head in.
See who's takin' charge.
It's just a meeting.
I'm sure it'll be civilized.
Well, that does not seem very PC.
Or is it allowed if you're darker than a Band-Aid? I'm not ready to be around people yet.
And maybe that includes you.
You should go.
I'm not in uniform.
And you're nice and anonymous.
Anonymous? There are, like, four Asian girls in this prison and my girlfriend just died.
Oh, so let them comfort you, then.
Well, I can't go out there.
When there's a revolution, who do you think it is that gets guillotined first? - The one percent.
- Marie-Antoinette.
- The one percent.
- That's right.
And I intend to keep this one-percent neck.
I had it contoured last January after Colicchio told me that it had more rings than a Swiss roll.
But I told him he looked like a manscaped scrotum, which is less poetic, but extremely apt.
You're scared.
That's a new shade from you.
- "Darker than a Band-Aid.
" - Oh, darling - I have been terrified this whole time.
- Bullshit.
You have had this place wrapped around your finger, but now you just lost your protectors.
So I'm in the market for replacements.
Look, I wasn't supposed to be here anymore.
All right? I was supposed to be out.
Hmm.
- The books - Mmm-hmm.
She'd want me to make sure that they're safe.
Rest assured, I will play the role of stern but foxy librarian to the hilt.
All right.
You can do it.
Guys, wait up! Aw, can we keep her? If you promise to feed her and walk her every day.
And she never comes into our bed.
You are very long-legged women.
Ooh, are we seeing a movie? I heard he was shooting all the Muslims execution style.
- I heard it was an inmate.
- No, it was Humps.
The guy's a psycho.
Humps is a name? Who's the ranking officer here? Rick Hopper.
I'm the captain over at the Max facility.
CO Piscatella is your man up here.
- Where is he? - I don't know.
Still inside, maybe.
I'm guessing.
It's a developing situation.
- What are your orders? - Orders? We don't even know whose jurisdiction this is yet.
If it's a mass shooter, it's the feds.
If it's a prison riot, chain starts at MCC, and if it's a cat up a tree, that's you guys.
Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, huh? - They were yelling, "Attica.
" - So it's a riot.
We're not gonna jump to conclusions.
I'd rather it be a riot than a shooter any day.
Inmates can't organize.
And lady inmates? Come on.
I give 'em 15, 20 minutes before they're all pulling each other's hair and begging us to come back inside.
- Ma'am.
- Mmm-hmm.
You think they care about us? No! Do they care if we live or die? - No! - "Do they care if we live or die?" They care about money! "They care about the money.
" SÃ! - "Yes.
" - I got that.
We are done getting shit on.
From now on, we're the ones doing the shitting! "We are the shitters.
" Yeah, everything sounds better in Spanish.
We're here, in this situation, 'cause of how they been running this place, and now that we in charge, we gonna do better.
Speak English! Fine.
This motherfucking meeting is called to order! Welcome to Litchfield 2.
0! Still busted-ass, but getting better by the minute.
Now, because you're such a special fucking audience, we got a free riot giveaway for you.
Now don't fight, okay? You get a phone, you get a phone, you get a phone! You get a phone! Ass phones, toti phones Everybody gets a phone! Not everybody.
Don't say everybody.
Lots of people get phones! Welcome to the 21st century, bitches.
You got chargers? We got no power, pendeja.
Use 'em till they die.
Well, that was pretty exciting, huh? I can't hear you! Now, hold onto your pants because we got something real special comin' up.
Hey, bring 'em in! Any of you little bitches let go of that rope, we shoot you in the head.
Don't push me.
You know, I'm having, like, a total kindergarten flashback.
The shooting in the head part, or the holding the rope part? Both.
You're stepping on my foot.
It's not like I'm doing it on purpose.
I can't see.
- Okay, I'm out.
- Sit, sit, sit.
Do you really wanna call attention to us right now? Are those actual guards? This all we got? There's two still locked in the kitchen with those bald bitches.
Oh.
Too bad They're gonna miss all the fun.
Strip search.
You just love yelling shit out, don't you? How are you holding up, pretty lady? Uh, where's Dr.
DePalma? He had to run, but we will take very good care of you.
Oh, you can't fool me.
You're a nurse.
She cuts hair.
Well, lucky for you.
If you're nice, I'll fix that mess on your head.
Looks like Danita's work.
How's the pain, scale of one to ten? Six.
- Maybe seven.
- There's no wrong answer.
Oh.
BP's okay: 138/82.
Good.
Burset? Sorry, sorry.
Where'd you go? I've been through something.
We can work on that.
There's people in real pain here.
You think he'll die? I hope so.
He deserves it.
You think I deserve it? He got in your head.
- Got in my head.
- Well, maybe he's already dead and we're already dead, and this is limbo.
It does kinda look like it.
Change his IV bag.
I'll hook up his catheter.
You get all the fun stuff.
- Make sure you squeeze out the bubbles.
- I know.
- It's not my first rodeo.
- Yeah, um Are we in limbo? Sure as shit we in limbo.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
If you ask me this looks like a pretty nasty group of criminals.
And they're gathering in groups of four or more.
So where should we start first? Chocolate City, huh? Or Vanilla Suburbs? Looks like we have a winner.
Oh, but wait a minute.
Isn't that racial profiling? Yes.
But we don't do that here in Litchfield, right? - Look what I found.
- Oh! Whoa.
Looks like somebody's going in the hole.
You want me to go in his hole? No, no, hold off.
We gotta build to that.
That's actually my insulin.
My insulin now, Chocolate City.
I'm from rural Michigan.
Let's check out the suburbs now, shall we? Yeah, that's right, ladies Oh, no.
Go deep.
Who knows what weapons he could be hiding, huh? Oh, shit, his dick's hard.
What? Oh! That happens when I get scared.
Or turned on.
Please.
I gave you tampons.
We have a bond.
Relax! You have a nice figure.
Don't get all body shamey.
Your boobs are real creamy.
Mmm-hmm.
Looks like we haven't found that much yet.
What else could we do? Go spelunking.
The fuck is that? Cave dive! I'm not sure I like prison.
Oh, come on.
Give it a chance.
You don't think that they're really gonna Hmm This kinda reminds me of pledge week.
- Fuck Sankey, I guess.
- Mmm-mmm.
No, you gotta look past the hair, man.
I mean, imagine the big one with Sankey's hair.
So you glue her scalp onto her head, you got a Pamela fucking Anderson.
Pamela who? What, really? Who did you wank to, growing up? We, uh, weren't allowed.
Yeah, no one's allowed, man.
Hey, you suck.
You and your stupid blue shirt.
She's talking about you.
Uh, what're you doing? Haven't you heard of negging? It's a seduction technique.
Hey, I fuckin' hate you.
Um, okay.
Helen? I'm winking.
That's blinking.
You're blinking.
Winking is one eye.
That's batting.
She's batting.
- Winking.
- Blinking.
Batting.
Oh, wait.
No, now it looks like she's got a tic.
- She's ticking.
- Just cut it out.
It's all subjective, man.
Come on, look at her tits! How are those subjective? And she got those DSLs, you know? Digital subscriber lines? Dick-sucking lips.
Jesus, man! Is there even come in these veins? - Huh? Yeah? - Shut up! I have come! It's not gonna get better than this, boys.
All right, moment of truth.
Got it.
Fuck Helen, marry Sankey, and then you kill Brandy.
Nah, I gotta say Fuck Sankey, marry Helen, kill Brandy.
Man, I am not made of stone.
You and me, blondie.
Let's do this.
Wait, I thought this was a hypothe What was that? - Oh, fuck.
It's a fucking dart! - Well, get it out.
Get it out, man! All right.
There you go.
Got it.
Motherfuck! Oh! Hey, nice knowing you, boys.
What? Hey! What do you mean, huh? Well, the poison acts quick.
Better save your strength.
Show me Polaris.
There.
In Ursa Minor's tail.
And how do you find south? Orion.
Daddy, this is little-girl stuff.
And you're my little girl.
Name the stars in his belt.
Alnitak, Alnilam, Mintaka.
Okay, wise guy.
What do you do if it's a cloudy night? Hope for the best? Sometimes, knowledge can be dangerous.
When you know the right word for something, it can make you overconfident, dull your senses.
The planet always has something to teach you.
The second you're sure you know where you are, you're lost.
The second you're lost you're dead.
Told you to wear your dungarees.
You're gonna freeze in that getup.
I'm not cold.
I'm fine.
You sure are cleanin' up there.
I'm only missing two.
Ice Skating and Troop Dramatics.
When you really know something you don't need a badge for it.
Bon appétit.
Dad! Daddy.
Daddy! Dad! - What the hell is this? - Desi! They didn't get you.
- Boy, that's a load off.
- There have been shots fired, the inmates have seized the warden, and you thought you'd throw a fucking tailgate party in the parking lot? Jesus, Ricky.
The warden's in there? How do you know that? 'Cause they made a fucking video.
Think it might be time to storm? If we storm, we're only gonna escalate it.
So escalate it! The best move is to let it die out.
They don't know what they're doing.
You don't know them like I do.
That is one gay table.
Look how the napkins match the little gingerbread houses exactly.
If you like Christmas in Vienna, wait till you see Arabian Fantasy.
Ooh! Man, for every year we in here it's like 100 Internet years.
- Mmm.
- We ain't never gonna catch up.
We gonna be like my momma tryin' to work her DVDs.
Like, now, there's an app for scorin' dope.
You know how many bitches in here would be free people if they had that shit? I make my daughter teach me all the new stuff.
That helps a little.
You never said you had a daughter.
Well, you never asked.
Oh, hold up.
We been retweeted.
Praise black Jesus! - Show.
- All right.
There's the link.
Hashtag.
"Black lattes matter.
" - What? - Lattes? Oh.
What the They ain't got me up there with Sarah Palin Whoa.
That shit is meta.
That don't even make no sense.
"Black lattes matter"? Lattes got milk.
That's what make 'em lattes.
Ain't no "black latte," 'cause that would make it, like, iced coffee or somethin'.
That's a, uh What do you call that? Oxymormon? It's all a joke.
You okay, T? The whole point was to tell the world about Poussey.
Tell 'em what happened to our girl, man! People don't care! If we're already dead, maybe it wouldn't be murder if we killed him again.
We could prop his feet up a little bit above his head, so the blood all goes to one end.
I hear that's really bad for you.
No, that could take a while.
We could take the feathers out of his pillow and savagely tickle him to death.
That's too gentle.
Or we could get a big jar of fire ants, and they could nibble at him.
Yeah, better.
- But you should get some honey.
- Honey? Lead the ants where you want.
Do you want them to go in the guy's ears and eat his brain? Or his eyes? You don't want ants wandering all over.
You want them organized.
- Where am I? - Purgatory.
Really? No! Lezzies go straight to hell.
What are some other ways you might kill someone? Oh, you can get really creative.
In the Middle Ages, they would do this cool thing.
They'd attach a cage full of rats to a guy's stomach.
And then they'd put candles on top of the cage, and the rats would burrow into the guy's stomach to escape the heat.
I had a scene like that in Time Hump, except the rats were penises.
And it wasn't a stomach.
The Flesh Towers of Infamy.
It's not super practical, of course.
You gotta get a cage, and you gotta get rats Sometimes it's best to just use whatever's available on hand.
Come on! Open the door, Flores.
Yeah.
I prefer not.
How'd you like ten more years in prison? I don't mind it so much now that we running the place.
Go to the chapel.
Tell Maria the Jolly Gay Giant is back.
When I get in there, I'm going to personally take you apart, Piscatella style.
If you can find me.
I know we all look alike to you.
Is this what you mean by "Piscatella style"? Is that supposed to embarrass me? That took grand prize at the Dutchess County Fair.
I could not be prouder.
The blind cannot see, the proud will not.
Well, my vision's 20-20, lady, and all I see is awesome.
And in a matter of minutes, we are going to take back this prison, and you are going to be cooking roaches in Seg for the rest of your sorry life.
Can you see that? I see many things.
Is that a Russian proverb? That blind-proud thing? Real Russians have no proverbs.
We have vodka and misery.
Wait.
That was a proverb.
Squat and cough! Squat and cough! Squat and cough! No, don't.
My bad, ladies.
Seriously.
Lesson learned.
Mea fuckin' culpa.
Look at his Smurf dick.
How is it a Smurf dick? Smurfs are blue.
It's not not blue.
It's small with a droopy hat.
That's Smurf enough for me.
Hey, Cabrera, you got this.
Really? You don't wanna? A good leader delegates.
- Looks like we goin' to fifth base.
- Oh, Jesus.
Don't worry.
I got talented fingers.
Oh, please.
I'm so sorry.
Please stop.
There's nothing in there.
Yo, this is getting kinda messed up.
Yeah, if they're gonna kill 'em, they should just kill 'em.
- How're you okay with this? - I'm not I'm not okay with this, Alex.
We just need to be quiet, or they'll I'm not gonna be quiet.
This is fucking insane.
I don't wanna be a part of this.
Most of us have done nothing wrong yet, so why should we all go down because Diaz shot a guard? Lots of us did shit we're guilty for.
Not just Daya.
Good luck with your Rumsfeld dinner theater.
I'm out.
The big gay is back! Piscatella? - He's trying to storm.
- Let him.
We could take down that walking tree.
Great, so more of us can end up like the little black hooch maker? How does Ruiz always end up in charge? We gotta look into that.
You think you can do better? I can't answer that right now.
I gotta think about it.
Just shoot Piscatella.
- We got the gun, don't we? - Yeah.
Oh, so you're in charge now? Never take on a heckler.
Ah! Enough! The gun ain't gonna beat all the guns they got out there.
What we got are hostages.
If it wasn't for them, they'd have burned this place down already.
And whatever you feel about what Daya did, the only way out is for us to come together.
We gotta show them on the outside that we got their people, and they're fine now, but that could change.
It'll buy us time.
Time? To figure out what the fuck we gonna do.
Who else we got out there? The black girls have Caputo.
Those guards in the kitchen.
The one with the hair you wanna sit on? And the one with the hot mouth.
Hair sitting? Is that a thing? Everything's a thing.
And Humps.
Fuckin' Humps.
Time for a family photo.
Best day ever.
This is better than the time my mom let me babysit my little sister and I made her eat Alpo Gravy Cravers wet dog food for dinner.
She was a little bitch.
I really wanna just take a nap.
Come on! You the gangsta with the gun.
Bangers don't nap.
You're tired a lot lately.
You should maybe check your iron.
What if Caputo doesn't wanna come with us? Dude used to be a boxer or some shit.
So, then you point the gun at his head and he'll change his mind.
If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell Maria? Yeah, okay.
It's gone.
- You not tired anymore? - The gun? I lost it.
How do you lose a gun? I don't know.
Somebody knocked me out.
I wake up, and I'm this person who's supposed to have power, and I just fucking shot someone.
Shit, I hate when people cry.
Hey, hey, it's okay.
It's okay.
We've all pretended to have guns that we don't have.
- Right? - Sure.
I'll show you how I make everyone think I got a gun.
I'm like a expert.
One thing I know, never let them move you to a second location.
That's when they kill you.
Nobody's killing anybody.
They need us alive to negotiate.
Uh, think of any hostage movie ever.
The hostages always die.
They act like whiny bitches, and then they die.
What're you talking about? Hostages never die.
Air Force One, they're safe.
Speed, safe.
Well, what about the black guy driving a bus? That's one.
And the black guy in Assault on Precinct 13? And the black guard in Dog Day has an asthma attack.
I'm sensing a pattern here.
What, are you saying we're safe because we're white? If we were in a movie, I'd say that.
But we're not in a movie.
Horror movies are even worse.
Black one's always toast.
And by the way, one of the hostages does die in Air Force One.
Which one? The PR person.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
You gotta hand them over.
We ain't gotta nothin'.
I got a gun that says you do.
Cool down, Diaz.
I think we should settle this with words.
This is how we show the outside that we got power.
"We together and we got hostages.
- What you gonna do?" - Negative.
Not interested.
Y'all give us a second.
Come on.
Come here.
We agreed we didn't wanna mess with the guard shooters.
- We got a good thing here.
- Do we? 'Cause it kinda feel like we ain't gettin' nowhere.
And everybody else gettin' somewhere! Look, I know it ain't what you pictured, but, yo, we got a chance to be heard.
And I ain't talking about no Internet-bullshit heard.
I'm talking about Obama '08 hopey-changey heard.
Y'all look, workin' across tribes, bein' postracial and shit.
Yo, it's what P would've wanted.
Yo, look at Cindy talkin' postracial and fartin' rainbows.
There's more strength in a single, unified message.
I mean y'all need to listen to me.
I'm like six sh'mahs away from bein' a rabbi.
Mmm.
We're in.
But we move 'em ourselves.
And they still ours.
Works for us.
Get ready, kids.
We goin' on a trip.
I can't even see anybody.
You sure this is the place? She said they'd bring Judy out a side entrance, dodge the paparazzi.
- Dodge the paparazzi? - I don't know.
I'm checking the other side.
Fine.
So, how are you feeling about the homecoming? I've been doin' my stamina exercises.
Yeah.
Two months for that conjugal visit.
Tonight's gonna be like a trip to Splash Mountain.
- See? - Oh, yeah.
- Other entrance.
- Yeah.
Hey! What what are you doing? Making an awesome fort in B-Dorm.
- Those aren't yours! - We're borrowing them! - No! - This is a library.
Stop! No, these are hers.
What? Get it? They're hers! Well, are you gonna fucking say anything? Noise canceling.
Sorry, what? These things really work.
- I feel weird.
- Does your mouth taste like metal? Wolfsbane, such a useful flower.
The Greeks used it to poison their arrows.
Two thousand years later, the Germans used it to poison their bullets.
We should really go to medical.
Yeah, we go out there, they're all gonna kill us.
The fun thing about wolfsbane is, it works from the outside in.
Most people feel a little tingle in the fingertips first, as the smallest nerves are paralyzed.
Then, it makes its way, ever so slowly, to your heart, closing around it like an icy fist.
Something to look forward to.
- Shit, I feel the finger thing.
- Me, too.
It's not too painful as deaths go.
Except the part where your lungs deflate like an old condom.
Oh, fuck! Of course, I'd be happy to mix you some antidote if I wasn't trapped in this closet with two cue balls and a dirty mop.
What do we do? Fuck it.
Let her out.
Yeah.
All right, the rest of you stay the fuck back! What the fuck? Oh, Jesus! Get the fuck off of me.
Team! Work! Hey, give us the antidote! We had a deal! You really think wolfsbane was just growing in the pantry? - Suckers.
- You mean You are one bad bitch.
So long, girls.
And by the way, fuck Stratman, marry Blake, kill Piscatella.
She wants to fuck me.
Ow! Nature Scouts are on the go Watch us sprout and watch us grow Hiking, camping, crafts galore And we make the tasty s'mores Sound off sound off Yeah, speaking of honey, the ancient Persians did this thing where they would take a guy, put him in an old hollowed-out tree trunk and plant him in a swamp.
Then cover him in honey, and after a few days, between the honey and his own feces, the maggots would really go to town.
You know a lot about history.
Oh, yeah.
You gotta know what comes before you.
The Chinese invented this thing called Lingchi.
Oh, pickled cabbage, right? Kinda spicy? Lingchi.
It means death of a thousand cuts.
What they'd do is start by cutting off all the unnecessary stuff, the meat, like breasts and butts.
And they could basically keep you alive till you were nothing but a beating heart.
It's all so boring now.
Those were the golden days.
Sorry, I'm not sure I caught that.
Those were the golden days Um Oh, yo, nice Indian dude.
Little help! What's wrong with him? Sir, try and repeat after me.
"Mary had a little lamb.
" Mary Looks like cerebral ischemia.
I need TPA, now.
Copy that.
Sometimes it's best to use what's available on hand.
Like? Like blowing oxygen bubbles in his IV.
You're welcome.
We're all rooting for you, sir.
Well, not really.
This is awkward.
Keep walking.
You in flavor country.
You like it? Incoming! Hey, Caputo.
Did you want me to prescribe something for your dignity? Oh, shit, that doesn't exist.
Yeah, but why not? Now, that would be useful.
Oh, say it ain't so, Joe.
Yo, they're the last ones.
I think we got them all.
Hey, that makes sense because we haven't seen any guards around here, and if we had 'cause we would've caught 'em.
And we would've not given 'em any love or any candy, huh? Right? You should've been in the CIA.
I mean, you really missed your calling.
This is not good.
Not.
Good.
He looks like someone left a cake out in the rain.
I love that song.
Me, too! - Speak English, you guys.
- Sorry.
So what's wrong with him, anyway? He's had a stroke.
It's difficult to assess the extent of the damage at this point.
It is? Well, we're taking him anyway.
Don't try to stop us.
Nobody's stopping you.
She doesn't have to point that thing at us.
I think it's just her finger.
No, it's not.
Daddy? Fifteen and a half hours.
- Did you make a mistake? - No.
Frieda.
I went swimmin'.
In the future, there won't be room for mistakes.
- You think the Reds make mistakes? - No.
They're on the move now.
See? I picked up their sonar.
I'm hungry.
Me, too.
We'll heat up some TV dinners.
Give your mama a kiss.
It won't be long now, baby girl.
It'll be fast and it'll be terrible.
No one else in this damn country understands, not even McCarthy.
But they're gonna get a heavy dose of reality.
They're all gonna come knocking on that door up there, begging to be let in.
But you'll be strong.
You'll be ready.
Lookee what we found! - I can't believe you bit me.
- Delicious.
I don't ever wanna be this close to him again, unless I'm kicking him.
Don't be scared.
I think his brain broke.
Put one on his eye lid.
- Like, to lift it.
- Hmm.
That's not bad.
We could be, like, plastic surgeons.
It's not Demi Moore good, but at least it's, like, Meg Ryan good.
- Yeah, so we ready? - Maybe a little eyeliner? You know, to wake his eyes up.
Yo, stop fucking around.
Get him on stage.
This ain't over.
When we're done with you, your outside's gonna match your insides.
Hey.
Please.
It's a religious thing.
What are you? A priest or something? I said strip.
- Please, I - Daya! Get the fucking gun! Am I supposed to take it out for every little thing? Yeah, that's kind of the deal.
Well, maybe she's right.
You don't want it to lose its impact or whatever.
Either you take 'em off or we cut 'em off.
Hmm? Would you look at those bloomers! It's a temple garment.
What are you what are you? Mormon? Still hot.
What the hell? You don't fucking have it, do you? Have what? Maria.
Later.
All right, everybody closer.
Everybody get in.
We need to see everybody.
Can we do this? I I really gotta pee.
Quiet, boner boy.
Do landscape, not portrait.
What the hell is that? Sideways, not upways.
"Upways"? Anybody else got any helpful tips? No! Good.
All right.
Everybody say, "Cheese!" - Cheese.
- Don't fucking say chee
Uh, I'll choose apple-blossom pink for my demonstration.
I'm gonna give my doll bangs like Debbie Reynolds.
My mom says I can't watch her movies anymore, now that she gave her lady gift to Eddie Fisher.
- What does that mean? - It's some kind of flower.
This may not look as tricky as the Indian Lore badge or the Backyard Chef badge, but the Hobby Fun badge has eluded many a sloppy girl.
Did you hear that, Frieda? Finally a badge you won't get.
You calling me sloppy? And smelly.
Also smelly.
It's the beaver musk I put around my neck.
Well, it smells like a monkey butt.
Technically, it does come from the anal glands, which makes it very helpful when you want to attract deer.
"Attract deer"? Are you gonna marry them? I'm gonna shoot 'em.
You were right.
She is an alien from outer space.
Do you know the Nature Scout motto? "Ready for any and all things.
" Do you know what it means? What if your mom went away one day and there were no more finger sandwiches? What if the sky went dark and all the crops died? Would you know which plants were safe to eat and which ones will make you vomit till you're dead? Could you kill an animal and clean it without cutting the intestines? Could you take its skin and salt it and tan it to keep warm? Or would you sit in the corner with your doll and wait to die? I'll take a piece of that green gingham over there, thank you.
Uh, hello? Hello? - Anybody there? - Maybe it's broken.
Hey, uh, if you're a guard, buzz twice.
Not a good sign.
The one who kicked me in the vag is kinda cute.
Good Aryan stock.
You can't tell by looking.
I met a Jew once, nose like a Kewpie doll.
And the crotch kicker's mine.
You get the bald one.
But I called him.
Hair likes hair, bald likes bald.
Why do you think Cali skins don't fuck Idaho Klan? - No mixing.
- Both.
What? All for Helen.
News flash, ladies.
Those boys don't wanna fuck any of you.
They don't see you as women.
Look, the garden gnome talks.
The fuck are you doing, anyway? Craft project.
What a weirdo.
They look kinda dumb.
I like someone I can have a conversation with.
Oh, wait, are we talking sex or relationship here? Fuck, marry, kill.
There's only two of them.
Three of us.
It'll pass the time.
Hey, Einstein.
He knows his name.
Wanna play a game? - Oh, sh - Shit, you scared me.
No, you scared me with that performance back there.
You should win an Oscar and use it like a dildo.
Sorry, I just had to clear my head.
You got that gun on you? Yeah, it's in my underwear drawer.
What you think? Go collect the guards from the bubble.
Bring 'em to the chapel.
Get Flaritza to help you, all right? - Flaritza? - Yeah, that's their thing now.
I'll see you in the chapel in ten minutes.
We gonna get organized.
You need to bow out? This is your chance, right here, right now.
All you gotta do is hand over the piece.
Nah, I got this.
Good.
- No more Girl, Interrupted shit, okay? - Wait, what does that mean? - Like, letting people interrupt me? - Nah, it's, like, the whitest movie ever.
Just don't act like a gringa mental case, okay? I thought you said this shit was clickbait.
Be patient.
All it takes is one retweet.
We was supposed to be "Hamster With a Burrito.
" - Instead, we nothin' but Side Boob.
- Mmm-hmm.
Hey, "Workers in the Mine" has over 1,100 views.
Yeah? Well, how many of those was from your mama? Ooh, ya burnt! That'll do it.
State your business.
Oh, shit, they got Jefe.
They don't "got" me.
Kinda looks that way.
Business? Ruiz is havin' a little orientation in the chapel.
A reorientation.
- Pass.
- Yeah.
Where I come from, you don't hang with bitches packin' caliber.
That guard only took one bullet.
Too many left.
Yeah, we keepin' this here a no-violence zone.
A no-gun zone.
We cool with Spam cans in socks.
Hey, your call.
Look, we was just tryin' to have a racially inclusive riot and shit.
Wait, a guard was shot? Yeah, but he ain't dead or nothin'.
- Yeah - Yo, we got a comment, y'all.
Yo, here come a revolution! Hold up.
"Earn up to $1,200 a week from home.
" Looks like the spam escaped your socks.
Wait, you can make that kinda money from home? So I'm asking you to poke your head in.
See who's takin' charge.
It's just a meeting.
I'm sure it'll be civilized.
Well, that does not seem very PC.
Or is it allowed if you're darker than a Band-Aid? I'm not ready to be around people yet.
And maybe that includes you.
You should go.
I'm not in uniform.
And you're nice and anonymous.
Anonymous? There are, like, four Asian girls in this prison and my girlfriend just died.
Oh, so let them comfort you, then.
Well, I can't go out there.
When there's a revolution, who do you think it is that gets guillotined first? - The one percent.
- Marie-Antoinette.
- The one percent.
- That's right.
And I intend to keep this one-percent neck.
I had it contoured last January after Colicchio told me that it had more rings than a Swiss roll.
But I told him he looked like a manscaped scrotum, which is less poetic, but extremely apt.
You're scared.
That's a new shade from you.
- "Darker than a Band-Aid.
" - Oh, darling - I have been terrified this whole time.
- Bullshit.
You have had this place wrapped around your finger, but now you just lost your protectors.
So I'm in the market for replacements.
Look, I wasn't supposed to be here anymore.
All right? I was supposed to be out.
Hmm.
- The books - Mmm-hmm.
She'd want me to make sure that they're safe.
Rest assured, I will play the role of stern but foxy librarian to the hilt.
All right.
You can do it.
Guys, wait up! Aw, can we keep her? If you promise to feed her and walk her every day.
And she never comes into our bed.
You are very long-legged women.
Ooh, are we seeing a movie? I heard he was shooting all the Muslims execution style.
- I heard it was an inmate.
- No, it was Humps.
The guy's a psycho.
Humps is a name? Who's the ranking officer here? Rick Hopper.
I'm the captain over at the Max facility.
CO Piscatella is your man up here.
- Where is he? - I don't know.
Still inside, maybe.
I'm guessing.
It's a developing situation.
- What are your orders? - Orders? We don't even know whose jurisdiction this is yet.
If it's a mass shooter, it's the feds.
If it's a prison riot, chain starts at MCC, and if it's a cat up a tree, that's you guys.
Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, huh? - They were yelling, "Attica.
" - So it's a riot.
We're not gonna jump to conclusions.
I'd rather it be a riot than a shooter any day.
Inmates can't organize.
And lady inmates? Come on.
I give 'em 15, 20 minutes before they're all pulling each other's hair and begging us to come back inside.
- Ma'am.
- Mmm-hmm.
You think they care about us? No! Do they care if we live or die? - No! - "Do they care if we live or die?" They care about money! "They care about the money.
" SÃ! - "Yes.
" - I got that.
We are done getting shit on.
From now on, we're the ones doing the shitting! "We are the shitters.
" Yeah, everything sounds better in Spanish.
We're here, in this situation, 'cause of how they been running this place, and now that we in charge, we gonna do better.
Speak English! Fine.
This motherfucking meeting is called to order! Welcome to Litchfield 2.
0! Still busted-ass, but getting better by the minute.
Now, because you're such a special fucking audience, we got a free riot giveaway for you.
Now don't fight, okay? You get a phone, you get a phone, you get a phone! You get a phone! Ass phones, toti phones Everybody gets a phone! Not everybody.
Don't say everybody.
Lots of people get phones! Welcome to the 21st century, bitches.
You got chargers? We got no power, pendeja.
Use 'em till they die.
Well, that was pretty exciting, huh? I can't hear you! Now, hold onto your pants because we got something real special comin' up.
Hey, bring 'em in! Any of you little bitches let go of that rope, we shoot you in the head.
Don't push me.
You know, I'm having, like, a total kindergarten flashback.
The shooting in the head part, or the holding the rope part? Both.
You're stepping on my foot.
It's not like I'm doing it on purpose.
I can't see.
- Okay, I'm out.
- Sit, sit, sit.
Do you really wanna call attention to us right now? Are those actual guards? This all we got? There's two still locked in the kitchen with those bald bitches.
Oh.
Too bad They're gonna miss all the fun.
Strip search.
You just love yelling shit out, don't you? How are you holding up, pretty lady? Uh, where's Dr.
DePalma? He had to run, but we will take very good care of you.
Oh, you can't fool me.
You're a nurse.
She cuts hair.
Well, lucky for you.
If you're nice, I'll fix that mess on your head.
Looks like Danita's work.
How's the pain, scale of one to ten? Six.
- Maybe seven.
- There's no wrong answer.
Oh.
BP's okay: 138/82.
Good.
Burset? Sorry, sorry.
Where'd you go? I've been through something.
We can work on that.
There's people in real pain here.
You think he'll die? I hope so.
He deserves it.
You think I deserve it? He got in your head.
- Got in my head.
- Well, maybe he's already dead and we're already dead, and this is limbo.
It does kinda look like it.
Change his IV bag.
I'll hook up his catheter.
You get all the fun stuff.
- Make sure you squeeze out the bubbles.
- I know.
- It's not my first rodeo.
- Yeah, um Are we in limbo? Sure as shit we in limbo.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
If you ask me this looks like a pretty nasty group of criminals.
And they're gathering in groups of four or more.
So where should we start first? Chocolate City, huh? Or Vanilla Suburbs? Looks like we have a winner.
Oh, but wait a minute.
Isn't that racial profiling? Yes.
But we don't do that here in Litchfield, right? - Look what I found.
- Oh! Whoa.
Looks like somebody's going in the hole.
You want me to go in his hole? No, no, hold off.
We gotta build to that.
That's actually my insulin.
My insulin now, Chocolate City.
I'm from rural Michigan.
Let's check out the suburbs now, shall we? Yeah, that's right, ladies Oh, no.
Go deep.
Who knows what weapons he could be hiding, huh? Oh, shit, his dick's hard.
What? Oh! That happens when I get scared.
Or turned on.
Please.
I gave you tampons.
We have a bond.
Relax! You have a nice figure.
Don't get all body shamey.
Your boobs are real creamy.
Mmm-hmm.
Looks like we haven't found that much yet.
What else could we do? Go spelunking.
The fuck is that? Cave dive! I'm not sure I like prison.
Oh, come on.
Give it a chance.
You don't think that they're really gonna Hmm This kinda reminds me of pledge week.
- Fuck Sankey, I guess.
- Mmm-mmm.
No, you gotta look past the hair, man.
I mean, imagine the big one with Sankey's hair.
So you glue her scalp onto her head, you got a Pamela fucking Anderson.
Pamela who? What, really? Who did you wank to, growing up? We, uh, weren't allowed.
Yeah, no one's allowed, man.
Hey, you suck.
You and your stupid blue shirt.
She's talking about you.
Uh, what're you doing? Haven't you heard of negging? It's a seduction technique.
Hey, I fuckin' hate you.
Um, okay.
Helen? I'm winking.
That's blinking.
You're blinking.
Winking is one eye.
That's batting.
She's batting.
- Winking.
- Blinking.
Batting.
Oh, wait.
No, now it looks like she's got a tic.
- She's ticking.
- Just cut it out.
It's all subjective, man.
Come on, look at her tits! How are those subjective? And she got those DSLs, you know? Digital subscriber lines? Dick-sucking lips.
Jesus, man! Is there even come in these veins? - Huh? Yeah? - Shut up! I have come! It's not gonna get better than this, boys.
All right, moment of truth.
Got it.
Fuck Helen, marry Sankey, and then you kill Brandy.
Nah, I gotta say Fuck Sankey, marry Helen, kill Brandy.
Man, I am not made of stone.
You and me, blondie.
Let's do this.
Wait, I thought this was a hypothe What was that? - Oh, fuck.
It's a fucking dart! - Well, get it out.
Get it out, man! All right.
There you go.
Got it.
Motherfuck! Oh! Hey, nice knowing you, boys.
What? Hey! What do you mean, huh? Well, the poison acts quick.
Better save your strength.
Show me Polaris.
There.
In Ursa Minor's tail.
And how do you find south? Orion.
Daddy, this is little-girl stuff.
And you're my little girl.
Name the stars in his belt.
Alnitak, Alnilam, Mintaka.
Okay, wise guy.
What do you do if it's a cloudy night? Hope for the best? Sometimes, knowledge can be dangerous.
When you know the right word for something, it can make you overconfident, dull your senses.
The planet always has something to teach you.
The second you're sure you know where you are, you're lost.
The second you're lost you're dead.
Told you to wear your dungarees.
You're gonna freeze in that getup.
I'm not cold.
I'm fine.
You sure are cleanin' up there.
I'm only missing two.
Ice Skating and Troop Dramatics.
When you really know something you don't need a badge for it.
Bon appétit.
Dad! Daddy.
Daddy! Dad! - What the hell is this? - Desi! They didn't get you.
- Boy, that's a load off.
- There have been shots fired, the inmates have seized the warden, and you thought you'd throw a fucking tailgate party in the parking lot? Jesus, Ricky.
The warden's in there? How do you know that? 'Cause they made a fucking video.
Think it might be time to storm? If we storm, we're only gonna escalate it.
So escalate it! The best move is to let it die out.
They don't know what they're doing.
You don't know them like I do.
That is one gay table.
Look how the napkins match the little gingerbread houses exactly.
If you like Christmas in Vienna, wait till you see Arabian Fantasy.
Ooh! Man, for every year we in here it's like 100 Internet years.
- Mmm.
- We ain't never gonna catch up.
We gonna be like my momma tryin' to work her DVDs.
Like, now, there's an app for scorin' dope.
You know how many bitches in here would be free people if they had that shit? I make my daughter teach me all the new stuff.
That helps a little.
You never said you had a daughter.
Well, you never asked.
Oh, hold up.
We been retweeted.
Praise black Jesus! - Show.
- All right.
There's the link.
Hashtag.
"Black lattes matter.
" - What? - Lattes? Oh.
What the They ain't got me up there with Sarah Palin Whoa.
That shit is meta.
That don't even make no sense.
"Black lattes matter"? Lattes got milk.
That's what make 'em lattes.
Ain't no "black latte," 'cause that would make it, like, iced coffee or somethin'.
That's a, uh What do you call that? Oxymormon? It's all a joke.
You okay, T? The whole point was to tell the world about Poussey.
Tell 'em what happened to our girl, man! People don't care! If we're already dead, maybe it wouldn't be murder if we killed him again.
We could prop his feet up a little bit above his head, so the blood all goes to one end.
I hear that's really bad for you.
No, that could take a while.
We could take the feathers out of his pillow and savagely tickle him to death.
That's too gentle.
Or we could get a big jar of fire ants, and they could nibble at him.
Yeah, better.
- But you should get some honey.
- Honey? Lead the ants where you want.
Do you want them to go in the guy's ears and eat his brain? Or his eyes? You don't want ants wandering all over.
You want them organized.
- Where am I? - Purgatory.
Really? No! Lezzies go straight to hell.
What are some other ways you might kill someone? Oh, you can get really creative.
In the Middle Ages, they would do this cool thing.
They'd attach a cage full of rats to a guy's stomach.
And then they'd put candles on top of the cage, and the rats would burrow into the guy's stomach to escape the heat.
I had a scene like that in Time Hump, except the rats were penises.
And it wasn't a stomach.
The Flesh Towers of Infamy.
It's not super practical, of course.
You gotta get a cage, and you gotta get rats Sometimes it's best to just use whatever's available on hand.
Come on! Open the door, Flores.
Yeah.
I prefer not.
How'd you like ten more years in prison? I don't mind it so much now that we running the place.
Go to the chapel.
Tell Maria the Jolly Gay Giant is back.
When I get in there, I'm going to personally take you apart, Piscatella style.
If you can find me.
I know we all look alike to you.
Is this what you mean by "Piscatella style"? Is that supposed to embarrass me? That took grand prize at the Dutchess County Fair.
I could not be prouder.
The blind cannot see, the proud will not.
Well, my vision's 20-20, lady, and all I see is awesome.
And in a matter of minutes, we are going to take back this prison, and you are going to be cooking roaches in Seg for the rest of your sorry life.
Can you see that? I see many things.
Is that a Russian proverb? That blind-proud thing? Real Russians have no proverbs.
We have vodka and misery.
Wait.
That was a proverb.
Squat and cough! Squat and cough! Squat and cough! No, don't.
My bad, ladies.
Seriously.
Lesson learned.
Mea fuckin' culpa.
Look at his Smurf dick.
How is it a Smurf dick? Smurfs are blue.
It's not not blue.
It's small with a droopy hat.
That's Smurf enough for me.
Hey, Cabrera, you got this.
Really? You don't wanna? A good leader delegates.
- Looks like we goin' to fifth base.
- Oh, Jesus.
Don't worry.
I got talented fingers.
Oh, please.
I'm so sorry.
Please stop.
There's nothing in there.
Yo, this is getting kinda messed up.
Yeah, if they're gonna kill 'em, they should just kill 'em.
- How're you okay with this? - I'm not I'm not okay with this, Alex.
We just need to be quiet, or they'll I'm not gonna be quiet.
This is fucking insane.
I don't wanna be a part of this.
Most of us have done nothing wrong yet, so why should we all go down because Diaz shot a guard? Lots of us did shit we're guilty for.
Not just Daya.
Good luck with your Rumsfeld dinner theater.
I'm out.
The big gay is back! Piscatella? - He's trying to storm.
- Let him.
We could take down that walking tree.
Great, so more of us can end up like the little black hooch maker? How does Ruiz always end up in charge? We gotta look into that.
You think you can do better? I can't answer that right now.
I gotta think about it.
Just shoot Piscatella.
- We got the gun, don't we? - Yeah.
Oh, so you're in charge now? Never take on a heckler.
Ah! Enough! The gun ain't gonna beat all the guns they got out there.
What we got are hostages.
If it wasn't for them, they'd have burned this place down already.
And whatever you feel about what Daya did, the only way out is for us to come together.
We gotta show them on the outside that we got their people, and they're fine now, but that could change.
It'll buy us time.
Time? To figure out what the fuck we gonna do.
Who else we got out there? The black girls have Caputo.
Those guards in the kitchen.
The one with the hair you wanna sit on? And the one with the hot mouth.
Hair sitting? Is that a thing? Everything's a thing.
And Humps.
Fuckin' Humps.
Time for a family photo.
Best day ever.
This is better than the time my mom let me babysit my little sister and I made her eat Alpo Gravy Cravers wet dog food for dinner.
She was a little bitch.
I really wanna just take a nap.
Come on! You the gangsta with the gun.
Bangers don't nap.
You're tired a lot lately.
You should maybe check your iron.
What if Caputo doesn't wanna come with us? Dude used to be a boxer or some shit.
So, then you point the gun at his head and he'll change his mind.
If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell Maria? Yeah, okay.
It's gone.
- You not tired anymore? - The gun? I lost it.
How do you lose a gun? I don't know.
Somebody knocked me out.
I wake up, and I'm this person who's supposed to have power, and I just fucking shot someone.
Shit, I hate when people cry.
Hey, hey, it's okay.
It's okay.
We've all pretended to have guns that we don't have.
- Right? - Sure.
I'll show you how I make everyone think I got a gun.
I'm like a expert.
One thing I know, never let them move you to a second location.
That's when they kill you.
Nobody's killing anybody.
They need us alive to negotiate.
Uh, think of any hostage movie ever.
The hostages always die.
They act like whiny bitches, and then they die.
What're you talking about? Hostages never die.
Air Force One, they're safe.
Speed, safe.
Well, what about the black guy driving a bus? That's one.
And the black guy in Assault on Precinct 13? And the black guard in Dog Day has an asthma attack.
I'm sensing a pattern here.
What, are you saying we're safe because we're white? If we were in a movie, I'd say that.
But we're not in a movie.
Horror movies are even worse.
Black one's always toast.
And by the way, one of the hostages does die in Air Force One.
Which one? The PR person.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
You gotta hand them over.
We ain't gotta nothin'.
I got a gun that says you do.
Cool down, Diaz.
I think we should settle this with words.
This is how we show the outside that we got power.
"We together and we got hostages.
- What you gonna do?" - Negative.
Not interested.
Y'all give us a second.
Come on.
Come here.
We agreed we didn't wanna mess with the guard shooters.
- We got a good thing here.
- Do we? 'Cause it kinda feel like we ain't gettin' nowhere.
And everybody else gettin' somewhere! Look, I know it ain't what you pictured, but, yo, we got a chance to be heard.
And I ain't talking about no Internet-bullshit heard.
I'm talking about Obama '08 hopey-changey heard.
Y'all look, workin' across tribes, bein' postracial and shit.
Yo, it's what P would've wanted.
Yo, look at Cindy talkin' postracial and fartin' rainbows.
There's more strength in a single, unified message.
I mean y'all need to listen to me.
I'm like six sh'mahs away from bein' a rabbi.
Mmm.
We're in.
But we move 'em ourselves.
And they still ours.
Works for us.
Get ready, kids.
We goin' on a trip.
I can't even see anybody.
You sure this is the place? She said they'd bring Judy out a side entrance, dodge the paparazzi.
- Dodge the paparazzi? - I don't know.
I'm checking the other side.
Fine.
So, how are you feeling about the homecoming? I've been doin' my stamina exercises.
Yeah.
Two months for that conjugal visit.
Tonight's gonna be like a trip to Splash Mountain.
- See? - Oh, yeah.
- Other entrance.
- Yeah.
Hey! What what are you doing? Making an awesome fort in B-Dorm.
- Those aren't yours! - We're borrowing them! - No! - This is a library.
Stop! No, these are hers.
What? Get it? They're hers! Well, are you gonna fucking say anything? Noise canceling.
Sorry, what? These things really work.
- I feel weird.
- Does your mouth taste like metal? Wolfsbane, such a useful flower.
The Greeks used it to poison their arrows.
Two thousand years later, the Germans used it to poison their bullets.
We should really go to medical.
Yeah, we go out there, they're all gonna kill us.
The fun thing about wolfsbane is, it works from the outside in.
Most people feel a little tingle in the fingertips first, as the smallest nerves are paralyzed.
Then, it makes its way, ever so slowly, to your heart, closing around it like an icy fist.
Something to look forward to.
- Shit, I feel the finger thing.
- Me, too.
It's not too painful as deaths go.
Except the part where your lungs deflate like an old condom.
Oh, fuck! Of course, I'd be happy to mix you some antidote if I wasn't trapped in this closet with two cue balls and a dirty mop.
What do we do? Fuck it.
Let her out.
Yeah.
All right, the rest of you stay the fuck back! What the fuck? Oh, Jesus! Get the fuck off of me.
Team! Work! Hey, give us the antidote! We had a deal! You really think wolfsbane was just growing in the pantry? - Suckers.
- You mean You are one bad bitch.
So long, girls.
And by the way, fuck Stratman, marry Blake, kill Piscatella.
She wants to fuck me.
Ow! Nature Scouts are on the go Watch us sprout and watch us grow Hiking, camping, crafts galore And we make the tasty s'mores Sound off sound off Yeah, speaking of honey, the ancient Persians did this thing where they would take a guy, put him in an old hollowed-out tree trunk and plant him in a swamp.
Then cover him in honey, and after a few days, between the honey and his own feces, the maggots would really go to town.
You know a lot about history.
Oh, yeah.
You gotta know what comes before you.
The Chinese invented this thing called Lingchi.
Oh, pickled cabbage, right? Kinda spicy? Lingchi.
It means death of a thousand cuts.
What they'd do is start by cutting off all the unnecessary stuff, the meat, like breasts and butts.
And they could basically keep you alive till you were nothing but a beating heart.
It's all so boring now.
Those were the golden days.
Sorry, I'm not sure I caught that.
Those were the golden days Um Oh, yo, nice Indian dude.
Little help! What's wrong with him? Sir, try and repeat after me.
"Mary had a little lamb.
" Mary Looks like cerebral ischemia.
I need TPA, now.
Copy that.
Sometimes it's best to use what's available on hand.
Like? Like blowing oxygen bubbles in his IV.
You're welcome.
We're all rooting for you, sir.
Well, not really.
This is awkward.
Keep walking.
You in flavor country.
You like it? Incoming! Hey, Caputo.
Did you want me to prescribe something for your dignity? Oh, shit, that doesn't exist.
Yeah, but why not? Now, that would be useful.
Oh, say it ain't so, Joe.
Yo, they're the last ones.
I think we got them all.
Hey, that makes sense because we haven't seen any guards around here, and if we had 'cause we would've caught 'em.
And we would've not given 'em any love or any candy, huh? Right? You should've been in the CIA.
I mean, you really missed your calling.
This is not good.
Not.
Good.
He looks like someone left a cake out in the rain.
I love that song.
Me, too! - Speak English, you guys.
- Sorry.
So what's wrong with him, anyway? He's had a stroke.
It's difficult to assess the extent of the damage at this point.
It is? Well, we're taking him anyway.
Don't try to stop us.
Nobody's stopping you.
She doesn't have to point that thing at us.
I think it's just her finger.
No, it's not.
Daddy? Fifteen and a half hours.
- Did you make a mistake? - No.
Frieda.
I went swimmin'.
In the future, there won't be room for mistakes.
- You think the Reds make mistakes? - No.
They're on the move now.
See? I picked up their sonar.
I'm hungry.
Me, too.
We'll heat up some TV dinners.
Give your mama a kiss.
It won't be long now, baby girl.
It'll be fast and it'll be terrible.
No one else in this damn country understands, not even McCarthy.
But they're gonna get a heavy dose of reality.
They're all gonna come knocking on that door up there, begging to be let in.
But you'll be strong.
You'll be ready.
Lookee what we found! - I can't believe you bit me.
- Delicious.
I don't ever wanna be this close to him again, unless I'm kicking him.
Don't be scared.
I think his brain broke.
Put one on his eye lid.
- Like, to lift it.
- Hmm.
That's not bad.
We could be, like, plastic surgeons.
It's not Demi Moore good, but at least it's, like, Meg Ryan good.
- Yeah, so we ready? - Maybe a little eyeliner? You know, to wake his eyes up.
Yo, stop fucking around.
Get him on stage.
This ain't over.
When we're done with you, your outside's gonna match your insides.
Hey.
Please.
It's a religious thing.
What are you? A priest or something? I said strip.
- Please, I - Daya! Get the fucking gun! Am I supposed to take it out for every little thing? Yeah, that's kind of the deal.
Well, maybe she's right.
You don't want it to lose its impact or whatever.
Either you take 'em off or we cut 'em off.
Hmm? Would you look at those bloomers! It's a temple garment.
What are you what are you? Mormon? Still hot.
What the hell? You don't fucking have it, do you? Have what? Maria.
Later.
All right, everybody closer.
Everybody get in.
We need to see everybody.
Can we do this? I I really gotta pee.
Quiet, boner boy.
Do landscape, not portrait.
What the hell is that? Sideways, not upways.
"Upways"? Anybody else got any helpful tips? No! Good.
All right.
Everybody say, "Cheese!" - Cheese.
- Don't fucking say chee