Portlandia (2011) s05e02 Episode Script

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Portlandia - S05E02 The Fiance Okay, what brings you in here today? Well, um, we've been dating for, like, three or four years.
And I'm in my prime.
I'm very beautiful now and I think I'm looking really good.
And, like, I'm thinking it would be nice to take it to the next step and, like, you know, maybe think about getting married.
Every time I bring it up, Lance just doesn't even want to talk about it.
Well, Lance, what is it about marriage that makes you feel uncomfortable? Marriage is for pussies.
There's, like, jewelry involved.
I don't care about rings and stuff like that.
It's like, we're committed.
I don't understand why there nes to be something official ordained by some random third person.
- See? - And, Nina, what what is it that that you want from this? I just don't want him to be so stressed out all the time, and he seems like he wants to fight.
And, like, whenever I bring it up, he, like, doesn't want to confront it.
And, like, I think something's, like, bothering him or something.
Okay.
Um This weekend My mom's coming to visit.
And she's bringing some guy that she's dating.
[Bell dinging.]
Ah, now we're getting somewhere.
That's the elephant in the room.
Is that a problem with you, about your mom having a boyfriend? Well, it's just, like, she always has boyfriends.
I just I don't want I'm tired of meeting, like, random dudes that just, like, come in and out of her life.
How many times has your mom been married? She's been married five times.
- That's significant.
- It is significant.
It's too many.
So and this is what's got you upset about the marriage thing with you and Nina.
I don't know.
Why are you over-analyzing it? He's an analyst.
That what that's his job.
That's what he's getting paid for.
What do you say, Nina? I think this is really good.
And I think it's really good that Lance is talking and expressing his feelings.
And I think it's good for Lance to realize that, you know, like, I'm not your mother.
- I know.
- I'm not your mother.
- I know.
- I'm Nina.
[Bell dings.]
That's our time, guys.
I'm gonna wish you guys good luck and hope everything works out for you.
So when are they coming down? I just texted her.
They're supposed to be down.
You know what'd be cool? Like, wouldn't it be good if she's, like, dating, like, a Hawaiian guy? - Why? - I don't know.
They've got so many cool things in their culture like pineapples and poi and lei.
I promise you this guy is from San Diego, he's from Fresno, or he's from Phoenix.
- Hmm.
- That's where old people live.
Trust me.
It's just not a big deal.
Just hang out with him for a couple days and we'll never see him again.
- Oh, there they are.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hey, mom.
Hi, sweetheart.
I'm so happy to see you.
It's been too long.
And look at you.
- Oh, you like my dress? - Oh, you're gorgeous.
You're gorgeous.
Honey, this is Justin.
'Sup? I'm Justin.
- I'm Lance.
- Put her there.
- Firm grip.
- Yeah, you too, Kemosabe.
- You work out? - Yeah.
- You've got a hell of a mom here.
- You don't have to tell me that.
Well, just in case you forget.
Oh, I'm never going to forget.
So you don't forget.
All righ [cracking.]
Whoa.
Welcome to Portland, Justin.
Hey, how'd you guys meet? She was waiting tables at this diner, and I came in, ordered some pancakes, and [chuckles.]
One thing led to another, you know? [Laughs.]
- And now he's looking after my car.
- Sure am.
- Mom, I can take care of your car.
- Oh, I know, honey.
But you're busy.
I don't want to bother you.
Besides, Lance, this is a '96 corvette we're talking about.
It doesn't exactly take care of itself.
Yeah, I know what it is.
I bought it for her.
Oh, really? So you like teal? No.
Mom, I told you.
You should've got black.
Well, that wouldn't have really matched her eyes, now, would it have? Why don't you stop talking about my mom's eyes? Well, you want me to talk about her other assets? Listen, Shutterbug, how about you shut your mug? - What'd you call me? - Sit down! What's going on with him? We're in a public Chinese garden! Jeez, he's just being so possessive of my mom.
So what? Let them have their fun.
Look at them.
It's just grossing me out.
What's gross? They're happy.
It's nice.
I really like it.
Look, he's paying attention to her.
Oh, that's nice.
Just let her have her life.
- Okay, you can't, like, marry your mother.
- I know.
Gross.
Right, but there's other people you can marry.
- You know what I'm talking about? - Yes.
- Do you understand me? - Yes.
- Look at me.
- I am looking at you.
No, harder.
I'm looking at you so hard right now.
Okay, well, that's what I want.
- Okay.
- Be right back.
Say, "cheeseburger.
" [Camera clicks.]
Listen, Lance.
We got to talk about something.
What? That lady over there isn't just my lover.
She's also my muse.
I wouldn't be able to do this without her.
So I got to ask you something really important.
Lance, I need your permission to ask her to marry me, all right? I'm not gonna do it without getting your permission.
I need it.
[Camera clicks.]
Hopefully one day I'll be able to put that in my family photo album.
All right? Don't think of me like a stepdad.
Think of me more like a biological dad.
[Camera clicks.]
This is bullshit.
Of course.
Big surprise.
Justin wants to marry my mom.
Well, guess what.
I'm not giving my permission.
This sucks! It's just like I'm being replaced.
I do everything for my mom.
Her car, her house.
And this little Shutterbug's just gonna come in and he's just gonna be like, "oh, now I'm gonna do this.
" You know what? He's not.
I'm done with it.
I'm not giving permission.
I'm not gonna make myself into some little best friend for some new dad that, like, comes in and is just like, "come here, Lance.
I'm gonna be your new dad.
" And then is just leaving all over again.
Ah, now we're getting to the core of the apple.
I'm sensing some anger, Lance.
Yeah, no shit, Cosby Mysteries,I am angry.
I mean, this is just a shitty, shitty situation.
So shitty, shitty.
Well, you know, it might be that you have this shitty attitude and that's what's bringing on this shit.
No, I'm just reiterating how shitty it is.
We're just sitting here in a big pile of shit that Justin took.
Now we're all just wallowing in.
Well, what we're gonna have to do we're gonna have to find a hose and was up all this shit and get started brand-new.
- Well, he's got some hose, by the way.
- That's interesting.
Well, maybe you could, like, take some time and maybe get to know him a little bit.
You know, just hang out with him.
Ah, that's a great idea.
I love that.
I mean, you could go hang out with him and, like, I could just go hang out with your mom or something.
Take her shopping.
You guys could go to a carnival.
Aha, carnival.
Fine, I'll hang out with him.
But I'm not making any guarantee.
Well, I'm not asking you to make a promise, because I'm not the one that has to deal with this for the rest of my life.
[Bell dings.]
That's gonna be the end of this session.
Okay.
Lance, wait.
[Upbeat Latin music.]
Oh.
[Laughs.]
Tell me how it's been with Justin.
I've never felt happier in my life.
I feel like a teenager.
You deserve it.
You deserve to be happy, because you're a good person.
[Gasps.]
Oh, you like them? Oh, yeah.
Well, how are things with Lance? And no disrespect to your son, but, like, he needs to do something, like, major, 'cause I like the idea of, like, being, like, a wife.
Honey, he's scared to really open up.
What's he scared of? What am I gonna do? It's like, "I'm scared.
" Of what? What am I, like, a monster? Like, a ghost monster on Halloween? Like I'm gonna pop out of, like, a pumpkin or something like that.
Like, I'm a, like I'm me.
Like, I'm not gonna do anything.
Pretty good.
I think they're perfect.
Have you ever been proposed to? - Oh, yeah.
- You have? - Five times.
- I can't believe it.
That's never happened to me at all.
- No one's ever proposed to you? - No.
- Aw.
- Of course not.
Well, if I was a guy, I definitely would propose to you.
You seem like a real catch.
- You would? - Mm-hmm.
What would you do? - Like, if you were to propose to me - Oh, boy.
Like, what's a Creative thing you would do? I don't know; If I was ever to propose to somebody, it'd probably be, like, skywriting.
- That would be so cool.
- I think so too.
Wouldn't you love that as a woman? - [Sighs.]
- Could you imagine? It can happen.
It really can.
That'd be such a dream.
Mm-hmm.
"Will you marry me, Nina?" [Carnival music playing.]
[Deliberate piano music.]
This is pretty cool, man.
Move in.
Move in.
[Bell rings.]
Yes! [Balloons popping.]
- Nice! - Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Welcome to manhood.
You just swipe it down.
Don't be afraid of a little blood.
You want to take that? There you go.
There you go.
That looks cool.
You can marry my mom.
Thanks, son.
Ah, now we got another elephant in the room.
- What? - It's your mustache.
- What about it? - Where is it? - I shaved it.
- You just shaved it? Yeah, with Justin.
We were bonding.
Oh, it's so weird.
I can't even look at you.
- What do you mean? - I can't even tell - are you looking at me? - Yeah.
This mustache thing seems like it's really hanging you up.
Yeah.
Would you think Lance would look better with the mustache again, like the way mine is? If Lance had his mustache back I mean, it'd be easier to talk to him.
- For sure.
- Here you go.
Rip! Pop! - Now, does that make you feel better? - That's better.
I appreciate it.
- Thanks for doing that.
- Okay.
Now where were we? Like, everybody everywhere is just being proposed to.
And, like, what am I? Just, like, some prop? Some, like, mannequin just, like, standing around? Okay, fine.
You know what? Nina, will you marry me? That's not what I mean.
Don't be an idiot.
That's the meanest thing.
That's not a proposal.
You got to do something with, like, some imagination.
You've got to, like, do something, like, on live TV or, like, flowers and balloons and there's so many things you could do.
What she's trying to say she needs a little romance.
A little? I need, like, some real gestures here.
You're not talking about romance.
You're talking about spectacle.
Lance, I'm the love of your life.
You have to put some thought into it.
Yeah, I have put thought into it, and it will never be good enough.
I just proposed.
Nothing I do will ever be satisfying to you.
I'm out of here.
That was your prop that was a real proposal? [Door slams, bell dings.]
Well, that's the end of the session.
Time's up.
But wait.
We got we got another 20 minutes.
I'm sorry.
Thank you so much for meeting with me.
I've been dating this girl for a couple months now.
I finally got permission from her son to pop the question.
So I was just gonna, like, propose to her really simple.
But her friends all kind of made fun of me.
And they're like, "no, no, you got to go see these guys.
" Those are good friends you have.
They gave you the right advice.
You've come to the right place.
I mean, what we do is wedding proposal videos.
We've got lots of equipment.
Lots of GoPros we'll put in everywhere.
We're GoPro crazy.
We're big into horror movies, all right? And so I was just gonna, like, jump out of a bush and, like, take off the mask and be like, "will you marry me?" - It's a little short.
- Mm-hmm.
So you like horror movies.
I mean You could do a sort of Frankenstein thing.
What if you show up in the living room and you've got these bolts? And you're like [Screeching.]
Unscrew it and like, "look in here.
" She's like, "what? What's in there?" It's a little note.
Pull out the note.
"Go down to the dungeon!" We'll have GoPros all over the place.
And it's all your relatives dressed up as Dracula.
You know, they're all a little overweight.
Some of them are, like, not good at acting, looking at the camera.
They all say a word, like [With different voices.]
He wants you to know that you are beautiful, and we should sometime soon get married please.
You see, these are ideas that I would never have, so thank you very much.
This is really cool.
Oh, you know what we could do? We love, like, police shows, like, cop shows, stuff like that.
- What kind of shows do you mean? - You know, like, Dateline or, like, those shows about where cops where, like, somebody goes missing.
We set up an Amber Alert.
You guys get a notification on your phone.
This is great.
You guys are the lucky ones that actually identify the car.
- You're in the drama.
- Boom.
- That's the car! - Wait.
Hold on.
That license plate.
Honey, I got to get on this.
This is gonna be the best proposal and best proposal video ever.
I'm in.
Let's do this.
- Great.
- Well, thank you.
Let me know what I got to do from my end and Don't worry.
Just we'll text you.
[Bright percussive music.]
[Whispering.]
There she is.
Hey, friends and family, welcome to the big day.
I'm gonna go wake her up now.
Psst.
Psst.
[Honks nose.]
Hey.
Morning.
How do you feel about the possibilities of today? - What are you up to? - Nothing.
Just waking up with my angel.
- Here I am.
- [Chuckles.]
Say it again? - What are you doing? - Just come on.
[Laughing.]
What is that? [Romantic piano music.]
How do I know the groom? How do I know the bride? The bride's my mom.
That's a dumb question.
The groom I just met.
He's, like, a new guy in my mom's life.
Is there a problem? Yeah, I didn't get that quite.
This is on.
Channel 2 is on.
Will you say something again? Hey, I got to be somewhere.
Memory card.
Okay, the memory's card's - Can we just film this, please? - Okay.
How would you describe your mom? She's my favorite.
I mean, she's always been there for me.
- And I've always - I'm sorry.
This is on pause.
Hey, asshole.
- Come on, I don't have all day here.
- Ah, there we go.
Do you have someone who you love? You got you have a girlfriend? - I have a girlfriend, yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- What's her name? - Nina.
And how long you been going out? Like, eight years.
What's the best way to show someone that you love them? 'Cause this is a constant thing.
You've always got to do upkeep and, you know, show your girlfriend you love her.
Do you think you do that enough? Lance, do you think you do that? You think you do that, buddy? Justin does it.
That's enough.
Just leave me alone, okay? The pillar's about to fall down.
There should be a P.
F.
Chang's near the train station.
Oh, yeah? [Phone chimes.]
- Oh.
- Whoa, blowing up.
- Amber Alert? - Oh, I got one too.
- Oh, I got that too.
- Oh, my God.
- Babe.
- Look at that.
- What? - What should we do? All those crime shows that we love? - Yeah? - Why don't we solve this one? - 'Cause that's dumb.
- No, no.
- That's dumb, honey.
- No, that'd be so fun.
It's right there.
No, I'm gonna call the police.
- Hey - hi, hi.
Honey, we got to go it alone on this one.
Hey, police? Yeah.
You know that black Chev can I talk to them? - What? - One second.
Wait! That guy just stole my phone.
[With Transatlantic accent.]
He must be with Capone's gang.
Let's go grab him.
Baby, we can solve this one on our own, see? The two of us, with our own love.
- Okay.
- Come here.
Let's do this.
We got to jump in that motorcar and peel away.
You see? - I got it.
- You did? Yeah.
Looks great.
Wow.
Lance, look at all this.
Yeah, Justin really went all out.
Look at hi.
Look at all these details.
I mean, like, a whole warehouse? That's a lot of effort.
You know, iced tea and look I mean, look at the cupcakes and everything.
All the cookies and, like, the flowers and well, you know, my mom's a special lady.
And I don't know I think Justin's, like, doing a good job.
Yeah.
Must be nice, huh? Yeah, I mean, it must be nice for you to be, you know, going out with a guy who's mom's getting engaged in this really cool way.
Hi, Mike.
It's just it's not about us tonight.
I know.
I know it's not about us.
But I still would like the chance to be able to, like, appreciate it without having, like, this thing looming over me What looming over you? The idea of commit the idea of commitment.
And, like, doing these gestures.
I mean, look at this.
Justin's just a guy and he's, like, showing his appreciation.
- Well, I'm just a guy.
I mean - I just need to go take a walk, all right? Okay.
There he is, see.
Get him! [Tires screeching.]
Get him.
Here's looking at you, kid.
Come back here, kidnapper! You filthy crook! Stay back, you! What you got planned? This.
[Chuckles.]
You're the apple of his eye Justin is a lucky guy He is so in love with you That he wrote the lyrics for the song I'm singing to you That's it.
[Snorts.]
He planned the whole thing! You planned this? With a little help from some friends.
[Laughs.]
The Amber Alert? Car chase was all fake.
I mean, we were really going that fast like, dangerously fast.
What inspired you? You did.
[Voice cracks.]
You always do.
And I hope you always will.
[Crying.]
Oh.
Gretchen Eunice Oliver, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? [Singing.]
[Gunshot.]
[Chokes.]
- [Laughs.]
- [Yells.]
No! No! That's not supposed to happen! Oh, no! No, there weren't supposed to be real cops! Oh, no.
I called them.
I called them.
Why did you do that? [Yells.]
Why'd you do that? - Sorry.
- Wait a minute.
Oh, my God! What was that? Freeze! [Gunshot.]
Thud! [In slow motion.]
Lance! Lance, please! Someone get an ambulance! What's wrong with you? - What are you guys doing? - Oh, God.
What is this? Nina.
[Both gasping.]
Will you marry me? What? Lance.
Yes.
Of course I how did you I don't understand.
- I planned it.
- The police officers? Part of the plan.
Franz, you? Yeah, guys are in it from the shop.
Tony, Rick, Chad - all of it.
- For me? You said it was important to you.
We talked about it in therapy.
I talked about it with Justin.
And the thing I realized, Nina it's also important to me.
Oh, Lance.
Yes.
I'm a fiancee! I'm a fiancee! [Applause.]
Congratulations.
Oh, congratulations to you.
- It was a really good proposal, son.
- Was anyone taking any video of this? We were.
Whole time.
- Keep going.
- It's gonna go viral.
I thought she was gonna have a heart attack.
- I'm a fiancee.
- [Giggles.]
[Camera clicks.]
Well, Shutterbug, come on.
Take a picture.
Smile, you two lovebirds.
[Laughs.]
Wow.
That seemed to have a lot of logic problems.
[Bell dinging.]
You know, when I first met Justin, there was just something about him - can I pitch you a line? - Yeah.
"Justin has innocent wisdom that is one of a kind.
" Justin had an innocent wisdom can you say "GoPro" real quick? - GoPro.
- Say it again.
- GoPro? - GoPros.
- GoPros.
- Those GoPros.
- Those GoPros.
- We're good.
That's good.