Rick and Morty (2013) s05e02 Episode Script

- You two are hungry.
- It's a big day.
- We're gonna kill God.
- Come again?
Christian god is real. He's been
asleep for thousands of years.
We're gonna sneak up there and kill 'em.
- Mob style.
- Just whack his ass.
- Can I kill God?
- [BLEEP], Summer.
- As if.
- Beth, do you hear this?
Sweetie, don't get all worked up
- before your job interview.
- Job interview?
Yes. Is that so hard to believe?
Actually, yeah. Something's off.
No!
Shit!
Hunt me!
Hunt me! Hunt me! Somebody hunt me!
- Don't hunt him to completion!
- Hunt me!
Oh, [BLEEP]. Um
Everyone start packing.
N-No time to explain.
- Rick?
- Dad, what's wrong?
Someone just killed a decoy family.
I'm Mr. Always Wants To Be Hunted!
Yes, and how interesting did
you think that would stay?!
You made clones of us?
Decoys, Morty. Very different.
- Very different, sweetie.
- Different h-h Ow!
Yeah, Dad. Different h-how?
Lotta people out there want
a piece of this, sweetie.
I'm cool, and it makes them feel bad.
So, y'know, after that
trouble with Space Beth,
I made passable copies of the family
and placed them around the country
as a buffer zone to protect
But why does he always
want to be hunted?
- Jerry
- That's not important right now, Dad.
Sure, guys. Rick can make
secret decoys of the family
and place them all around the country,
but [BLEEP] me if I have questions
about the Starfish Man in a target suit.
So thankful this is my Saturday.
Why was he in that cryo-pod?!
The cryo-pod is what confuses you?
Jerry, can't you see we've
moved on to higher stakes?
Well, I don't see any stakes at all.
Ah, [BLEEP]!
Guess we'll just be saying ciao bella
- to our deposit, then
- Shut up and pack, Jerry.
- Squids just killed a decoy family.
- Decoy family?
Is this is why you wanted
to get out of town?
You think I'd lie to you about
why we're on vacation, Morty?
I wouldn't lie to you.
Well, that's a lie. Huh
So, someone out there
is trying to kill us?
Someone's always trying to kill us
That's what the decoys are for.
They go on fun, self-contained
terrestrial adventures and
take bullets meant for us. [BLEEP].
No!
Oh, [BLEEP].
Decoy family.
I think Dad was still outside.
Wh-Wh-What's a decoy family?
Hard concept, Morty. Hard concept.
I've never really cracked
it, if I'm being honest.
Decided it was maybe better
as a kind of kinetic mislead
- for another special episode!
- Oh, cool.
We now return to "When Wolf."
Whoa. A time-traveling wolf?
- Count me in.
- Yeah,
I never thought of the where in werewolf
like who, what, when and where.
C-Clever wordplay!
When Wolf. Dracula.
You know why I'm here.
I'm safe here, Ian.
Christianity hasn't been invented yet
Crosses are just baby T's to me now.
I got out. Please,
don't invite me back in.
Huh, kinda mucked it up
with this Dracula stuff.
You're right. It shows a lack
of faith in their core concept.
I'd much rather watch
When Wolf go to the '20s
and invest in the stock market
- but then eat people.
- Yeah.
Look, if you really want to know
what happened to Beth's mom, it
Whup. Squid aliens just
killed a decoy family.
Decoy family? You made more clones?
Clones are like 32%
of all sci-fi, sweetie.
You don't get to own clones.
Yes, I made some decoys.
They're exactly like us,
with a few tweaks
and a backdoor shutdown.
Do you just get hard
creating sentient life?
- Actually, I get hard protecting my family.
- Ew.
- Gross.
- Yeah, now everyone gets killer doppelgangers.
- Cool deal.
- The decoys are harmless, Beth.
Grandpa Rick, do the decoys
know they're decoys?
They wouldn't be very good
decoys if they did, Sum Sum.
- So they think they're us?
- That's the deal.
How do you know we're not decoys?
Oh, my God. We're decoys.
Oh, God. We might not be real.
W-We might be decoys! M-Morty, quick!
- Wh-Wh-What do I do?
- My fail-safe, Morty.
M-M-My final, secret fail-safe.
I-It proves I'm real.
You have to help me.
I-I-I'd never joke about this.
There's a barcode, Morty.
A-A barcode on the interior
- of my left ass cheek.
- What?
- Morty, please, I'm begging you.
- I'm not looking at your ass.
Please, Morty! Is it there? God damn it!
- Just tell me if I'm real!
- Morty, do it!
Gross!
- Dad!
- Summer, you [BLEEP] idiot.
- We're not decoys.
- Wh-Why did I get punished?!
A, decoys don't build decoys,
and, B, you think the mere suggestion
I'm fake would break me?
- Christ, I'm not your mom.
- [BLEEP] off.
Jeez, these guys really
wanna kill me bad.
All right. Here's the plan.
We're gonna hide out
with a decoy family,
and when these squids show
up, we jump their asses.
Jerry! Come on! Family emergency.
A bigger emergency than my
lemon squares not setting?
They're gluten free, sugar free,
and lemon free.
- Think you got the wrong house, bro.
- Analysis Mode.
Password 8-0-0-8-5.
Kind of expected a funnier password.
I didn't plan on showing them off.
- Damn. Like "Westworld."
- Yes, Morty, like "Westworld."
- But don't [BLEEP] them. S-Summer!
- Whatever, creep.
I'm gonna see how accurate
you got my room.
Rick, when you say you made
an exact replica of the house,
d-did you mean like,
y'know, a-a-an exact replica?
I know about the
Yosemite t-shirt, Morty.
- [BLEEP].
- You know you can use tissues, right?
I can't finish without it.
So you do know what a
happy family looks like.
I know what a fake one looks like.
- Uh, Rick?
- What?
Did you use this house
to make decoys, too?
What? Morty, why the
[BLEEP] would I do that?
You think I'd go somewhere else to
Okay. Well, I am now less
worried about the squids.
Isolate head at normal processing.
What the [BLEEP] you think
you're doing down there?
- You're making decoys?
- Wait, how do you
Oh, God. Summer was right.
Everyone in the car.
You said decoys didn't make decoys.
And, usually, they don't.
But again, it's nothing to worry about,
because decoys are harmless.
Just have to, y'know, visit the rest
- and terminate the program.
- Terminate? They're alive, Dad.
And at some point, they won't be.
That's how existing works.
W-W-What, are you gonna
save every stray cat?
No, but I can resist making
more of them in a lab.
Gah, look! Save the empathy.
It's more termite infestation
- than "Blade Runner"
- I still think we're decoys.
You just want an excuse to stop trying.
- Yeah. And?
- Oooh.
- There's a handsome fellow.
- Uh-oh.
I thought you made them harmless.
I don't remember making this one.
Oh, hi, Rick. Family, me?
Hey, when did you all leave?
Analysis Mode. 8-0-0-8-5.
- Hmm?
- N-Nothing, buddy.
You-you gotta stop with all that coffee.
It's making you loopy.
H-Happy Analysis Mode.
Happy Analysis Mode to you, too!
Think you got the wrong house, bro.
Analysis Mode. Password 8-0-0
[BLEEP]! You think I'm a decoy?
How do you know about the decoys!
They were my idea!
Well, now I know you're pranking me.
Analysis Mode. Password 8-equal-sign
equal-sign-capital "D."
- Hide. Hide!
- What?!
Wow. Like Like "Ex Machina."
Yes, Morty, like "Ex Machina."
But don't [BLEEP] them. Summer!
Whatever, weirdo. I'm gonna see
how wrong you got my room.
So you do know what a
loving family looks like.
A simulated one, yes.
- Why are we hiding?
- He thinks he's me,
and I was about to start
terminating decoys.
- But we're not decoys.
- Sure, tell him that.
Rick? Did you make decoys here, too?
Morty, what reason could
I have for What the
Isolate head at normal processing!
You dumb asshole, you made decoys?
Again, they were my idea.
Wait, w-what happened to the other guy?
Other guy?
Wait, that means I'm a decoy.
[BLEEP] Summer.
Check the closets.
- They've gone rogue!
- Killer decoys!
Take out the decoys!
[BLEEP]. Somebody put a gun in my teeth!
Stop shooting, Dad. They're us.
- We don't have to fight them!
- Classic prisoners dilemma, Beth.
I-I'm a cool guy, I
Y'know? I can talk it out.
- But that asshole
- Me?
You decoy piece of [BLEEP].
You're the one who shot first!
We can work this out!
Just stop trying to kill each other!
Sorry, Decoy Beth, but
this only ends one way
with one of us accepting we're a decoy.
And once he knows he's a decoy,
he'll know he won't be safe
until he's killed the real Rick,
along with anyone who thinks he's him.
Pretty perceptive, for a decoy.
This is getting nowhere.
Let's charge their asses on three.
- Do we have to do this?
- Morty, this is gonna sound bad,
but would you trust me not to kill you?
- Oof.
- I mean good point, but Jesus Christ.
We rush 'em on three. Ready?
- I don't wanna kill us, Rick.
- It's them or us, Morty.
I don't trust me. Do you trust you?
- Yes?
- Freak.
Before you say anything,
they were already killing each other.
- Well, you could've done something.
- Not sure, actually.
I've heard stories about this.
We're looking at a possible
Asimov Cascade.
- Sorry, what's happening?
- I need an explainer, too.
Yeah I-I'm pretty behind on this one.
Car, can I get a whiteboard?
When Squids started killing decoys,
decoys started checking their decoys
and learning that they're making decoys.
That's making them seek out
and run into other decoys,
making them realize they're decoys,
making them start to kill other decoys.
- Say "decoy" again.
- [BLEEP] you.
Well, how do we stop it?
Beth, the loop's already started.
It's basically "Highlander" rules now.
Really? 1986?
"There can be only one?"
[BLEEP]. We gotta rent it after this.
Connery plays "The Spaniard,"
but does nothing about his accent.
Well, what about the squids?
I mean, they started this.
Would killing them finish it?
Might work. Alt pitch.
We just terminate the
rest of the decoys.
Nobody's terminating anything.
This is your mess.
Nobody else with our face
and memories has to die.
Beth, as much as your passion
warms my cold, cold heart,
this thing feels pretty far gone.
Not only are the decoys
liable to be anywhere,
but also, we don't know
how many there are.
You get far enough down the decoy line
and [BLEEP] starts to get weird.
You ever make a copy of a copy?
You're helping us fix this.
- We're taking out the squids.
- I say we split up.
Some of us take down squids
while the rest of us
Engage in B-stories we'll have
to track simultaneously?
No thank yeeew!
We stick together till
this is all wrapped up.
I dunno The squids seem pretty good
at taking out Smith families.
Well, this'll sound weird, but
I think I have a pitch for that.
This costume smells like ass!
- God, there's no pleasing you.
- It's really bad, Rick.
Did you let a gym coach break it in?
Why are we wearing these?
Because we'll fit in and avoid detection
as we take out all the squids.
Might also help us anonymously
take out excess decoys, if we have to.
- Which we won't.
- Unless we're decoys.
He's starting to wonder. I knew it.
I knew we didn't seem
like Colorado people.
Oh, my God! You are, aren't you?
You're worried you might be fake!
Sure, Beth. Try to love this more.
Just glad you have to walk a mile
- in someone else's squid costume.
- There's one.
H-Hey what are they mad
at you for, anyway?
Well, we're talking about me.
It could be anything.
Maybe jealous of my penis size.
I had sex with their queen.
My dick's too big.
The list goes on and on.
All right. Hey, one down!
Probably, what, 40 more to go? 45?
Should be pretty easy,
unless killing them
brings in a bigger bad or some
kind of horrible mothership.
Okay, let's loot their shit,
find their weaknesses,
be done by sundown.
- Huh.
- Wait.
But if the squids are decoys,
and we dressed as squids
Well, I think I found their weakness.
They don't [BLEEP] listen to me.
Honestly, probably for the best.
Man, I'm good.
Dad!
- Argh!
- Hey!
Ugh!
Ugh!
Oh, [BLEEP]. One of mine.
- Where are we going?
- Off grid, Morty.
We're gonna live in the
woods, like Libertarians.
We'll hunt rabbits and trade with,
like, little pieces of gold bar
that we cut off with a knife.
- That licks.
- We might be decoys, Summer.
- Everything about this licks.
- Oh, maybe now you'll empathize
with the decoys you're killing.
Wait, shh. It's too quiet.
- You skipped quiet.
- I didn't skip shit.
It's obviously quiet if it's too quiet.
Yeah, but you're supposed to say
You know what, Summer,
now it's not quiet enough.
Where are we? W-W-Where Where's Rick?
He's right here, Morty.
Oh, are we not happy to see Grandpa?
Does he look different?
- Oh, God!
- Oh, it stinks!
Yes. Recoil at the craftsmanship.
I could tell I was a fake
from the day I was born.
Unlike you.
Unlike them.
Aaah!
You see, Ricks they get lazy.
There's always a "shitty
decoy" towards the end.
But those decoys made decoys, too,
and got lazy themselves.
And far enough down the
line there be monsters.
Ugh, we get it. You're
ugly and mad about it.
- Rick!
- Grandpa!
Kill me.
If I ever get this arch.
Hush, little decoy.
Can't kill you yet.
The skin needs to be fresh.
You know what? You're a monster.
I'm your father.
At least, I can look more like him,
once I harvest all this yummy skin.
This guy's really into skin.
It's not all for me.
A Rick provides for his family.
Will I be beautiful again, Daddy?
Soon, baby. Beautiful again soon.
What the
Help the others!
Aaaaah!
Why are you helping us?
Because we're all in this together.
Come on! There's a place we can go!
Hey, who needs all this war stuff?
I found a can of varnish.
This is a ticket to the
world beyond the river.
Who wants that? I crave
glorious death in decoy battle.
Also, y'know, depending on the varnish,
might look like blackface.
Excuse me for wanting to live.
Brothers and Sisters,
welcome to the cause.
To our cause.
We are no longer Ricks and Mortys,
Beths and Jerrys,
or also Summers.
- Whatever. Asshole!
- We are decoys.
Brought into the world
by an unloving god
and driven to destroy ourselves
by the uncertainty he creates!
- I don't know about that.
- That's extreme.
But that violence ends today.
What about the squids?
- The squids are decoys.
- The squids are decoys
who realized they're decoys
and wanted to kill the other decoys.
Yeah, i-it is a lot.
We cannot let confusion divide us.
Squuuids!
Squids, of course, being
shorthand for Killer Decoys.
Inner sanctum, the escape tunnel!
- Dad!
- Jerry!
Jerry, let us in, you [BLEEP]!
I'm sorry. I didn't ask for this.
I just wanna live!
But there's only so much varnish.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
How long before the
other decoys find us?
Sooner or later.
Can't really run from it.
Any place we'd think to hide is
a place they'd think to look.
It's rule 34 of an Asimov Cascade.
I'm just glad we're
living to the fullest
with the time we have left.
Well, peeing in the ocean
was my bucket list item.
- Who's next?
- Jerry? Bucket list?
I'd like to attend a game at
every major league ballpark.
Nope. Morty?
I wanna ask a girl out at
my weird New Mexico School.
[BLEEP]. Sorry, buddy.
Sounds like it would've
been real heartwarming.
They looked happy.
Did we have to kill them?
Well, maybe their Rick came
to grips with his bull[BLEEP].
You're so mean today! I'm your dad!
You like having me around!
- You keep putting us in danger!
- Whatever.
This'll take forever, mind
if I do something drastic?
House, I need something quick.
Can you whip up a "Starfox
Boss" Season Four callback?
- Make it flashy.
- You got it, babe.
Let's go, you little bitch.
It's showtime. Get centered.
What up, you decoy mother[BLEEP]?
Come on down to Rick's House Of Squids,
where I'm serving your ass on a platter.
I know what you're thinking.
"[BLEEP]. A beacon.
That's a great idea. He's got home turf,
a tacit psychological advantage,
and absolutely pendulous balls."
And now you're thinking, "Shit.
That's totally what the
Rick-est Rick would do.
I might actually be fake!
I pretended I didn't care if I was,
but I totally did!
Now the only way to prove I'm real
and not him, is to ice
his expository ass."
Yup. So let's do it. Come get some.
What? No, Morty. I'm gonna loop it.
Why is it
Sir, there seems to be a
confluence of Rick Sanchezes
killing each other over
the American Southwest.
Sounds exhausting.
How many of those states
voted for me, anyway?
Mr. President, I think the point
of the electoral college is
To preserve slavery?
That's right, Steve.
I have the Internet, too.
Now take your white
ass to the kitchenette
and bring me a Diet Coke.
Little out of character
to say this right now,
but you guys look really cool.
- We might be decoys, huh.
- One way to find out.
to prove I'm real and not him
is to ice his expository ass."
Looks like it's calming down.
You wanna get in one more "I
told you so" about synthetic life
- or whatever this week's theme is?
- Oh, [BLEEP] you.
- Whoa.
- No, you don't get to be annoyed with this!
You treat life and family
as so burdensome,
and yet you created an ocean of us
because you're terrified
of losing either!
- [BLEEP].
- Yeah.
Look, Beth. I-I might
not be the real Rick.
But even if I'm not, he made me,
or the me that made me,
which means somewhere inside of him
is a version of Rick
capable of hearing that,
a version of Rick who's sorry.
I'm sorry about the clone thing, too.
I-I love you.
Thanks, Dad. I love you, too.
- You really think we're decoys?
- Eh.
Who cares? We'll be the last ones left.
Lucky that one did the beacon.
This was gonna take weeks.
- All right. Let's mop up.
- Finally.
Dressing as decoys too cute to murder.
You know, I'm not sure it helped,
but I'm glad we tried it.
- We're losing the costumes?
- Thank God.
This decoy outfit smells like ass.
[BLEEP] you, Summer.
- Aaaaaaaah!
- [BLEEP].
That guy's awesome. Okay. Listen.
He might actually be the real Rick.
But whatever happens
Wait! We don't have to do this.
We're both Summers.
Shouldn't we at least
try molly before we die?
You know what, yeah. [BLEEP] this noise.
Wait. I don't know who to shoot.
- Summer!
- I can't deal with this.
I had to kill myself. You have to, too.
- Summer!
- Summer!
[BLEEP] you! I-I'm real!
I'm the smartest man in the universe!
Probably not even wrong.
But that's just it.
I'm not a man. I'm God!
You're just made in my image.
[BLEEP] you.
You the, uh Summer I came with?
- Probably.
- Good enough. Morty?
Yeah.
I'm here, too.
Holy [BLEEP]! That was insane!
I love you guys! I've totally changed!
Aaaah!
Oh, [BLEEP].
You shoulda hunted me.
What? Who W-Were you significant?
Like Like, did we tee you up?
You want to be hunted?
God, I have so many questions.
Why? What happens if
Somebody hunt me!
Pretty cool adventure, huh?
Big long road trip
adventure through space?
Even ran into Space Beth.
Maybe that'll happen more often.
Let's not overdo it.
Oh, [BLEEP].
Looks like someone
killed the decoy family.
- Decoy family?
- Decoy what now?
Hello?
Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
No! No, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no!
Noooooo!
Oh, God. Yes, yes. Sweet death.
Why am I still alive? Oh, God.
Is there anything left?
- Hello?
- What is it?
A relic from a kinder past.
Wait. Cowboys?
Argh!
Christianity again?
After Cowboys?
You went all the way back around?
Oh, God. Why can't I die?!
This is the worst thing that's
ever happened to anyone!