Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s05e02 Episode Script
Terminal
I'm sorry about this, but I can't help it,
and I can't talk to you too
long, or I'll get upset.
I want you to make a lot of friends,
and I want you to be real nice
to the girls because they're going
to be real important to you soon. I
swear.
We're not afraid of girls.
What makes you think that?
You may be later on.
I doubt it.
Why don't you shut up? Shut up!
You shut up!
You be sweet.
Be sweet and stop trying to pretend that you hate me.
I mean, that's silly.
I like you.
Ok, then. Will you listen especially close?
I know you like me. I know it.
For the last 2 years, you've been pretending like you hate me.
I love you very much.
I love you as much as I love anybody.
I love you as much as I love myself.
In a few years, when I haven't been
around to be on your tail about
something or irritating you, you're going to remember.
You're going to remember the time
I bought you the baseball glove
when you thought we were too broke or when I read you stories,
when I let you goof off instead of mowing the lawn.
Lots of things like that.
And you're going to realize that you love me.
And maybe you'll feel bad because you never told me.
I know that you love me
I love this song!
When thoughts of the last bitter hour
comes like a blight o'er thy spirit
and sad images of the stern agony
and shroud and pall and breathless darkness
and the narrow house make thee to shudder
and grow sick at heart go forth under the open sky
and list to nature's teachings
while from all around earth
and her waters and the depths of air
come a voice yet a few days,
and thee the all-beholding sun shall
see no more
in all his course nor yet in the cold ground
where thy pale form was laid
with many tears
greetings. I'm Space Ghost, and I have
a very important announcement to make
concerning my death.
Ladies and gentlemen, I, Space Ghost, am dying.
SoAre you going to go to your desk?
I can't.
Why not?
For it may be my last time.
Soon I will no longer be bound move it!
Ohh I'm going to miss this part.
I love that part.
UhCan I have your cape?
I need my cape.
Not where you're going. Ha ha ha!
Would you feel better if I jabbed you in the eye?
No. I feel ok.
How about a head butt?
No. No, thank you.
It's just there's so many things I haven't done with my life.
Like what?
Like what?
WellFor one thing, I've never ridden on a barge.
And I've never met boomer esiason.
It's all so unfair!
I've never even eaten an omelet.
Oh, well.
Surely there are omelets in heaven.
What makes you so sure you're going to heaven?
Oh, whatever.
As long as they have omelets.
You're just making this up so we'll feel bad for you.
Frankly, zorak, that's offensive.
Like, I would make up such a thing.
See? You hear that?
It won't be long now.
Yeah. Um what's going to happen to us?
Well, you're free to go. Isn't that great?
Really?
No. Ha ha ha!
You're part of a franchise, and by the end of tonight's show,
and by the end of tonight's show, we'll have my replacement.
So to get that going, bring in my first guest.
Ha ha! Joey deluxe, super-agent.
Greetings, Joey.
I understand you represent topnotch talent.
That's right.
Joey, I need your help.
I've been diagnosed as one who is near death.
I'd like to help you out, but I got a
little problem of my own right now.
Joey, do you have any ideas of who could replace me as
host of this show? I know it's a tall order.
Space Ghost!
UhOh, boy.
Help me! It'sit's an alien!
Help me! It'sit's an alien!
It's taking over my face!
Now, it should be someone just like me
Only not dead.
Only not dead.
Uh, fantastic!
Was that a joke?
Very serious, Joey.
What an operation.
So can you help me?
Ha ha! Fantastic!
Fantastic.
Fantastic. Aah! Aah!
Fantastic.
Aah!
Ahh, I really love these cards.
They're a part of me.
They've been along for the ride.
What a ride it has been.
I'd do it all over again if I could.
But next time, there would be a little Space Ghost
to extend the family line.
What's the matter, Roy Allen?
I didn't hit the ball today.
Oh, there's plenty of other balls in the sea, son.
Besides, you're not very talented.
You have no hand-eye coordination.
Zorak, Moltar, listen up.
When I inviso out, all the way out,
I want to be buried right here
in the studio.
I want to be buried right here in the studio.
Space Ghost, what if you don't die?
Well, that would be good for me, Moltar.
No. I mean, what if you just go into a coma or something?
What then? Do we get to pull the plug?
Oh! I want to pull it!
Why should you get to pull it?
Oh, come on!
I asked.
Oh, let me sleep on it. I'll let you know tomorrow.
Listen to me talking about tomorrow.
Listen to me talking about tomorrow.
How brave of me.
Well, hello there.
Joey deluxe must have sent you.
Greetings, Space Ghost, and a howdy doody to you, too.
Identify yourself, spaceman.
Commander ozone, defender of The universe!
Joey was right. He's perfect!
Commander, have you ever seen my show?
Oh, no. DearD
well, I'd like you to meet zorak.
Well, I'd like you to meet zorak.
He'll be your bandleader.
Have you ever worked with a mantis?
No, I haven't.
Maybe you want to tell me about him.
He's over there on your left.
Whoo! Bad.
Whoo! Ow! Ooh!
Just hit myself in the head with a stick.
Ha ha ha!
HeyI just laughed.
That is so brave of me.
Uh-oh!
So very brave to laugh I'm having a little problem here.
UhWait a minute! I'll get that.
When dying.
I can't hear you, Space Ghost.
We're having it must be a meteor breaking us up.
Never mind that, commander.
Now, listen up.
After I begin my journey across the river styx,
I still want the name of my
show to be Space Ghost coast to coast,
so you're going to have to
change your name to Space Ghost.
Yeah, but I'm a commander.
Commander ozone.
My real name is Herbert.
No, Herbert. Your name is Space Ghost.
Say it with me.
Space Ghost. Space Ghost.
Congratulations, son.
You've got the job.
I know you'll make me proud.
Thank you, Space Ghost.
No. Thank you Space Ghost.
So you're really dying, huh?
Yup. Can you believe it?
No.
That's cold, not believing a dying man.
That's cold, not believing a dying man.
Yeah, well, we've got a doctor
here to give you a second opinion.
You do?
You do?
Sure do.
A doctor?
That's right, sweetie.
Hmm. Well, I have no problem with that.
A real doctor?
Yep.
Well, I have no problem with that. Send him in.
Greetings, doctor.
Greetings.
They say I have a terminal illness.
Who told you you had that?
A doctor.
Are you a ghost?
I'm Space Ghost.
But, I mean, are you a phantom, or are you a ghost?
I'm Space Ghost.
Should I take my clothes off?
Well, I ifif we're going because I don't mind getting a
thorough examination.
What was the problem again?
Dying. Illness. Impending death.
But does the illness have a name?
They didn't specify. So do I take my clothes off yet?
Let me keep going with the history before we get on with the
taking the clothes off part.
Right.
Sometimes it hurts when I sit down.
Is that bad?
III
Can we talk about something else?
I swallowed a bolt once. Is that bad?
A what?
A bolt.
Really.
Is that part of the, sort of,
nutrient spectrum for Space Ghosts?
No, dummy. It's metal. Who eats metal?
No, dummy. It's metal. Who eats metal?
Ok. And do you have parents?
Who doesn't?
Do they have medical problems?
Are they still alive?
Right.
Ah.
Space Ghost, you're not a very good historian.
Right. So I should take my clothes off.
All right.
Or I should wait.
Do you have a cardiovascular system?
Do you have a cardiovascular system?
What is this 11 questions?
Yes, of course I have a vardiocascular system.
Does it resemble the humanoid system?
Pretty much, except for the no-blood part.
Pretty much, except for the no-blood part.
Ok. What does it pump around, by the way, if not blood?
Oh, you know juices and such.
Oh, you know juices and such.
Ok. And is there a digestive system?
Most definitely.
Oh. And yours is having problems?
Oh. And yours is having problems?
It is? Well, that seems to be the problem, then.
Ah. That's where the disease is, in the digestive system?
Well, it's got to be, right?
Where else could it be?
I'll take your word for it.
You're the doctor.
Yes, absolutely.
Doctor, break it to the universe how long I've got to live.
Doctor, break it to the universe how long I've got to live.
UmGiven that you would not do this as a ratings ploy,
and I genuinely believe your sincerity,
and I genuinely believe your
sincerity, uh, let's say death is imminent.
Ii hope you're going to be, uh
Ok with the news.
Oh, I'll get by somehow.
Well, it's time for me to die.
Ahh
and I can't talk to you too
long, or I'll get upset.
I want you to make a lot of friends,
and I want you to be real nice
to the girls because they're going
to be real important to you soon. I
swear.
We're not afraid of girls.
What makes you think that?
You may be later on.
I doubt it.
Why don't you shut up? Shut up!
You shut up!
You be sweet.
Be sweet and stop trying to pretend that you hate me.
I mean, that's silly.
I like you.
Ok, then. Will you listen especially close?
I know you like me. I know it.
For the last 2 years, you've been pretending like you hate me.
I love you very much.
I love you as much as I love anybody.
I love you as much as I love myself.
In a few years, when I haven't been
around to be on your tail about
something or irritating you, you're going to remember.
You're going to remember the time
I bought you the baseball glove
when you thought we were too broke or when I read you stories,
when I let you goof off instead of mowing the lawn.
Lots of things like that.
And you're going to realize that you love me.
And maybe you'll feel bad because you never told me.
I know that you love me
I love this song!
When thoughts of the last bitter hour
comes like a blight o'er thy spirit
and sad images of the stern agony
and shroud and pall and breathless darkness
and the narrow house make thee to shudder
and grow sick at heart go forth under the open sky
and list to nature's teachings
while from all around earth
and her waters and the depths of air
come a voice yet a few days,
and thee the all-beholding sun shall
see no more
in all his course nor yet in the cold ground
where thy pale form was laid
with many tears
greetings. I'm Space Ghost, and I have
a very important announcement to make
concerning my death.
Ladies and gentlemen, I, Space Ghost, am dying.
SoAre you going to go to your desk?
I can't.
Why not?
For it may be my last time.
Soon I will no longer be bound move it!
Ohh I'm going to miss this part.
I love that part.
UhCan I have your cape?
I need my cape.
Not where you're going. Ha ha ha!
Would you feel better if I jabbed you in the eye?
No. I feel ok.
How about a head butt?
No. No, thank you.
It's just there's so many things I haven't done with my life.
Like what?
Like what?
WellFor one thing, I've never ridden on a barge.
And I've never met boomer esiason.
It's all so unfair!
I've never even eaten an omelet.
Oh, well.
Surely there are omelets in heaven.
What makes you so sure you're going to heaven?
Oh, whatever.
As long as they have omelets.
You're just making this up so we'll feel bad for you.
Frankly, zorak, that's offensive.
Like, I would make up such a thing.
See? You hear that?
It won't be long now.
Yeah. Um what's going to happen to us?
Well, you're free to go. Isn't that great?
Really?
No. Ha ha ha!
You're part of a franchise, and by the end of tonight's show,
and by the end of tonight's show, we'll have my replacement.
So to get that going, bring in my first guest.
Ha ha! Joey deluxe, super-agent.
Greetings, Joey.
I understand you represent topnotch talent.
That's right.
Joey, I need your help.
I've been diagnosed as one who is near death.
I'd like to help you out, but I got a
little problem of my own right now.
Joey, do you have any ideas of who could replace me as
host of this show? I know it's a tall order.
Space Ghost!
UhOh, boy.
Help me! It'sit's an alien!
Help me! It'sit's an alien!
It's taking over my face!
Now, it should be someone just like me
Only not dead.
Only not dead.
Uh, fantastic!
Was that a joke?
Very serious, Joey.
What an operation.
So can you help me?
Ha ha! Fantastic!
Fantastic.
Fantastic. Aah! Aah!
Fantastic.
Aah!
Ahh, I really love these cards.
They're a part of me.
They've been along for the ride.
What a ride it has been.
I'd do it all over again if I could.
But next time, there would be a little Space Ghost
to extend the family line.
What's the matter, Roy Allen?
I didn't hit the ball today.
Oh, there's plenty of other balls in the sea, son.
Besides, you're not very talented.
You have no hand-eye coordination.
Zorak, Moltar, listen up.
When I inviso out, all the way out,
I want to be buried right here
in the studio.
I want to be buried right here in the studio.
Space Ghost, what if you don't die?
Well, that would be good for me, Moltar.
No. I mean, what if you just go into a coma or something?
What then? Do we get to pull the plug?
Oh! I want to pull it!
Why should you get to pull it?
Oh, come on!
I asked.
Oh, let me sleep on it. I'll let you know tomorrow.
Listen to me talking about tomorrow.
Listen to me talking about tomorrow.
How brave of me.
Well, hello there.
Joey deluxe must have sent you.
Greetings, Space Ghost, and a howdy doody to you, too.
Identify yourself, spaceman.
Commander ozone, defender of The universe!
Joey was right. He's perfect!
Commander, have you ever seen my show?
Oh, no. DearD
well, I'd like you to meet zorak.
Well, I'd like you to meet zorak.
He'll be your bandleader.
Have you ever worked with a mantis?
No, I haven't.
Maybe you want to tell me about him.
He's over there on your left.
Whoo! Bad.
Whoo! Ow! Ooh!
Just hit myself in the head with a stick.
Ha ha ha!
HeyI just laughed.
That is so brave of me.
Uh-oh!
So very brave to laugh I'm having a little problem here.
UhWait a minute! I'll get that.
When dying.
I can't hear you, Space Ghost.
We're having it must be a meteor breaking us up.
Never mind that, commander.
Now, listen up.
After I begin my journey across the river styx,
I still want the name of my
show to be Space Ghost coast to coast,
so you're going to have to
change your name to Space Ghost.
Yeah, but I'm a commander.
Commander ozone.
My real name is Herbert.
No, Herbert. Your name is Space Ghost.
Say it with me.
Space Ghost. Space Ghost.
Congratulations, son.
You've got the job.
I know you'll make me proud.
Thank you, Space Ghost.
No. Thank you Space Ghost.
So you're really dying, huh?
Yup. Can you believe it?
No.
That's cold, not believing a dying man.
That's cold, not believing a dying man.
Yeah, well, we've got a doctor
here to give you a second opinion.
You do?
You do?
Sure do.
A doctor?
That's right, sweetie.
Hmm. Well, I have no problem with that.
A real doctor?
Yep.
Well, I have no problem with that. Send him in.
Greetings, doctor.
Greetings.
They say I have a terminal illness.
Who told you you had that?
A doctor.
Are you a ghost?
I'm Space Ghost.
But, I mean, are you a phantom, or are you a ghost?
I'm Space Ghost.
Should I take my clothes off?
Well, I ifif we're going because I don't mind getting a
thorough examination.
What was the problem again?
Dying. Illness. Impending death.
But does the illness have a name?
They didn't specify. So do I take my clothes off yet?
Let me keep going with the history before we get on with the
taking the clothes off part.
Right.
Sometimes it hurts when I sit down.
Is that bad?
III
Can we talk about something else?
I swallowed a bolt once. Is that bad?
A what?
A bolt.
Really.
Is that part of the, sort of,
nutrient spectrum for Space Ghosts?
No, dummy. It's metal. Who eats metal?
No, dummy. It's metal. Who eats metal?
Ok. And do you have parents?
Who doesn't?
Do they have medical problems?
Are they still alive?
Right.
Ah.
Space Ghost, you're not a very good historian.
Right. So I should take my clothes off.
All right.
Or I should wait.
Do you have a cardiovascular system?
Do you have a cardiovascular system?
What is this 11 questions?
Yes, of course I have a vardiocascular system.
Does it resemble the humanoid system?
Pretty much, except for the no-blood part.
Pretty much, except for the no-blood part.
Ok. What does it pump around, by the way, if not blood?
Oh, you know juices and such.
Oh, you know juices and such.
Ok. And is there a digestive system?
Most definitely.
Oh. And yours is having problems?
Oh. And yours is having problems?
It is? Well, that seems to be the problem, then.
Ah. That's where the disease is, in the digestive system?
Well, it's got to be, right?
Where else could it be?
I'll take your word for it.
You're the doctor.
Yes, absolutely.
Doctor, break it to the universe how long I've got to live.
Doctor, break it to the universe how long I've got to live.
UmGiven that you would not do this as a ratings ploy,
and I genuinely believe your sincerity,
and I genuinely believe your
sincerity, uh, let's say death is imminent.
Ii hope you're going to be, uh
Ok with the news.
Oh, I'll get by somehow.
Well, it's time for me to die.
Ahh