Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020) s05e02 Episode Script

1
♪
♪
[BOTH GRUNT]
Aw.
Not quiet enough, Green.
You take our ship.
We take your lives.
TENDI: Whoa! We're
gonna crush him with a
- Wh-what's that supposed to be?
- [CHUCKLES]
Sorry, my bad.
It's nothing, just dropped a snack.
Let's try again.
Maybe run a double broadside protocol?
Ooh, look at you, Miss Starfleet.
Speaking like a true Orion General.
Well, someone has to do the talking.
You're too busy eating
all the wing-slug rolls.
I only had, like, six.
- Hey! [SHOUTS]
- [GRUNTING]
- [LAUGHING] - That's enough
battle strategy for tonight.
It's getting late.
- Boo!
- Just ten more minutes?
D'ERIKA: We barely even pillaged.
Okay, okay.
[GROANS]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you okay?
Yeah, all good.
Just a little bit of heartburn.
Well, luckily we've got
a doctor in the room.
Better safe than sorry.
Ugh, get away from me
with that Starfleet crap.
I-I just want to see what's wrong.
Nothing's wrong.
I just had a few too many slug rolls.
Drop it.
♪
♪
♪
FREEMAN: Captain's
log, stardate 59376.9.
The Cerritos has
arrived at Targalus IX,
a recent addition to the Federation,
to help dismantle their
capitalist system of wealth.
Having just acquired
post-scarcity technology,
the Targalans are removing
their obsolete financial structures
to make room for museums
and meditation gardens.
Most Targalans have embraced
their new way of life, as evidenced
by the planet-wide celebration.
- [MALE GRUNTING]
- Oop!
I got your back, Ensign.
Remember Boimler's
Bointer number three:
Lift with the legs and
your spine will be fine.
Yes, sir.
Thank you for the Bointer.
Damn, look at all this stuff.
Dumb old currency sure
does take up a lot of space.
You finish converting
the stock exchange
into an animal hospital?
Yeah, smells a lot better in
there now, believe it or not.
Plus, they're using all the
old briefcases as litter boxes.
Wait, Boims.
Don't move.
- There's something on your face.
- Is it a bug?
Worse.
It is a weird little mustache.
Ha-ha. Very funny.
But also pertinent.
Boimler's Bointer number 16:
Always research flora
and fauna on a new planet.
You never know what
might be trying to kill you.
Great advice, Commander.
Yeah, I was really fearing
- for my life over here.
- [BOTH SCOFF, LAUGH]
Not sure they love the Bointers.
Where'd that come from?
You've never had pointers before.
Bointers, not pointers.
I read a, uh, biography
where someone had a lot of
confidence in their away teams
and I was just giving it a try.
Hey, hey, don't look at
me, I love a good Bointer.
Love it, truly. I'm just saying,
you know, maybe let these
guys off the hook for a bit?
Go enjoy the planet-wide party.
I don't know, the Bointers
have kept us ahead of schedule.
Exactly! And that means
we can have some fun, too.
Come on, be the fun boss, Boims.
The fun boss?
I could be the fun boss.
BRAD BOIMLER: Fun Boss.
Yeah, I'll do it! I'm in!
Ensigns, why don't
you take an hour off?
- You've earned it.
- Yeah!
W-Wait, really? I was
just making conversation.
I didn't think you'd actually say yes.
Hell yeah!
I like this fun Boimler.
♪
Personal log. [SIGHS]
Those stupid blue
[BLEEP] hit us again today
[FAST-FORWARD SQUEAKING]
I just can't believe how
great it is having D'Vana back.
I couldn't ask for a better sister.
Aw!
[FAST-FORWARD SQUEAKING]
But there's just too much on the line.
And now I have to keep
my pregnancy secret.
[GASPS]
I'm gonna be an aunt? [GASPS]
Oh! [SQUEALS]
- [FOOTFALLS APPROACHING]
- [GASPS]
Why are you in my office
with the lights off, weirdo?
Oh, uh, I was just, uh, looking for
a dagger.
There are literally
daggers in every room.
Oh, right! Totally forgot.
Heh, Starfleet brain. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, anyway, better get back to
cutting stuff.
Wait, wait, wait, while you're here,
I, uh, I have some big news.
Really? [GASPS]
Well, you know you
can tell me anything.
[EXCLAIMS]
We've been summoned
before the Orion pirate queen.
- Oh.
- Apparently they aren't too happy with our pirate war.
Okay.
Was there anything
else you need to tell me?
Yeah. If you keep
standing in dark rooms,
people are gonna think you're a creep.
[WEAK CHUCKLE]
Right.
♪
Okey nopey! [EXHALES]
T'Lyn, wow.
[WHOOPS] You really got me.
I did not intend to "get you."
I am simply in need
of a partner to aid
in my senior science officer training.
Would you mind teaching
me how to repair the shuttle?
Aw, I wish I could
be your study buddy,
but my implant is having a hard time
connecting to this old door.
There is no urgency.
I will wait.
Oh, you mean just stand
there right behind my back,
staring off into space
and doing nothing?
That is correct.
Oh, uh, okey dokey.
Sounds good.
♪
- [GROWLS]
- [GAVEL BANGING]
Houses Tendi and Azure.
[SCOFFS] They're going by Azure now?
Better than Big Blue Losers, I guess.
With each of you pirating the other,
there's no new booty
flowing into the Syndicate.
We can barely afford
to feed our blazzards.
[SCREECHES]
This war was instigated
by House Tendi.
They used un-Orion tactics
to steal our frigate.
Bull[BLEEP]. You tried
to steal it from us first.
And it's pronounced "Oh-ryan"!
Enough!
When you pillage each
other, it hurts all Orions.
I order you to settle this
as the ancients did:
with a sailship race
through the Excellon Nebula.
- [GALLERY GASPS]
- K'LEVIN: Oh, my!
Orions haven't used
sailships in hundreds of years.
Isn't this a bit extreme?
We're gonna crush this.
I did varsity solar
sailing in high school.
Not through a dangerous nebula.
The first to survive the journey
and reach our hidden treasure wins.
Okay.
Maybe it'll be fun.
It will not be fun.
The losing house will be
removed from the Syndicate,
and their wealth given to the winner.
- What?!
- Hell yeah.
It is on!
Hope you ladies like to lose.
[LAUGHTER]
[BLAZZARD SCREECHES]
Ooh, I'm gonna kick
their "Oreon" asses.
Uh, actually, I was thinking maybe
I should handle this on my own.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, right.
Well, as prime, you
should probably stay far
from any gravitons and chronitons
and any other dangerous 'tons.
Nebulas are full of 'tons.
You can't even solar-sail.
What are you talking about?
B-But you could hurt
the [SIGHS] yourself.
I'm the prime of one of
the biggest houses in the Syndicate.
People try to assassinate
me over brunch.
I think I can handle a sailing trip.
Okay, well, let's just
make sure we wear helmets
and kneepads and, ooh, uh,
maybe some full body armor.
D'ERIKA: Ugh.
Shut up.
MARINER: Man, these
Targalans love burning up
their trash money, what a party.
I can't believe you
were okay leaving.
Yeah, you're trying to be a fun boss
and I'm just trying to
be a responsible boss.
Just watch, I'm about to
support and encourage
the [BLEEP] out of your ensigns.
Who are not here.
Uh, they should've been back by now.
Damn, now this is
buffer time. Respect.
Ensigns Mackler and
Gorm, status report.
Uh, I'm sure I'm sure they're fine,
- Don't freak out.
- Oh, no, they could be lost or dead or
[GASPS] taking advantage of
my relaxed management style.
RANSOM [OVER COMM]:
Ransom to Lieutenant Mariner.
- How's it looking down there?
- Yeah, uh
Yeah, we've
actually run into a bit of a
- Hey.
- Everything's going great, Commander.
- Should-should be done on time.
- Glad to hear it.
Love that you two are
sharing a combadge.
Ransom out.
- [STAMMERS] What are you doing?
- I'm sure the team is fine.
- You have to trust them.
- Okay, this is too weird.
Lying to your superiors,
growing that thing on your face.
You're not acting like
yourself. What's the deal?
Nothing. I just want to be
"fun boss," not "fired boss."
Okay, fine.
But for the
record, I'm taking responsibility
and you chose chaos.
Ransom could've just scanned for them.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
But he doesn't need to.
Bointer number 17: I
always set a rendezvous point
in case we get separated.
They should be at the
Museum of Friendship. Come on.
Boims, come on,
let's just scan for 'em.
We can still scan!
D'ERIKA: Fix those lines,
get that cargo secured.
We only have one shot at this.
Are your feet cold?
Oh, do you need some warm fuzzy socks?
What?
No, I'm fine.
The countdown has begun.
May the best Orion win.
Oh, he will.
Bring it.
[RHYTHMIC BEEPING]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]
- Careful.
- What?
This thing doesn't
have inertial dampeners.
Relax, it's just a little turbulence.
But y-you're the captain,
you should be sitting down.
Let us handle the manual labor.
- [GRUNTS]
- Uh, I mean, the work.
Just because those
lazy Starfleet captains
sit on the job doesn't mean I do.
Oh, b-but imagine how humiliated
the Blue Orions would be if
you beat them sitting down.
Oh, or better yet, lying down,
- with your feet elevated.
- Ugh.
- [BEEPING]
- [DOORS WHOOSHING]
Ah, there we go.
- [TORCH SIZZLING]
- Huh?
Whoa! Hey, hey. Hey. Hi.
Uh, what are you doing up there?
I decided to attempt some
more advanced repairs
on this shuttle's
vector control system.
Oh, I appreciate it, I really do,
but this is an old shuttle,
you can't just treat it
like it has sarium krellide cells.
I was not under that assumption.
Perhaps you can show me my error.
It's okay, this thing's
basically held together
with spit and string.
Let me take over for a sec.
[SIGHS]
[DISTANT FIREWORKS WHISTLING]
Wait, why are we waiting in line?
- Everything is free now.
- [CHEERING]
Oh, where are they?
Boims, Boims. See that guy?
That's the museum
director. I just shotgunned
some alien beers with
him that-that's not important.
He said he saw your team over there.
[GRUNTS] Go, go, go!
- Uh-oh.
- Uh, hey! Stop that hover-van!
Okay, okay, now we
clearly have to tell Ransom.
Commander?
Our away team was just kidnapped.
RANSOM [OVER COMM]: Oh, let me guess,
by some angry, jewel-encrusted aliens?
Uh, that's uh, yes,
that's right, yeah.
Not everyone on Targalus is happy
about the removal of capitalism.
We have elitist terrorist cells
popping up all over the continent.
Yeah, okay, so can you
send someone to assist us?
No can do, everyone's in the field.
You're on your own, but don't worry.
I know you can handle this.
Also, Boimler, do you
have your own combadge?
- Need me to send you one?
- No, no. No, thanks.
- Got it handled.
- You wanted to be fun.
Nothing more fun than
a car chase, my man.
I'm gonna need to commandeer
your hover-cruiser, ma'am.
Official, uh, post-scarcity business.
Sure, I'll just replicate a new one.
- Ah. Good for them.
- Let's do this.
Yes, totally, but you are
sitting on it backwards.
Damn it.
[GRUNTS]
Keep it up and we've
got this in the bag.
Oh, how about a quick break
for some Pyrithian bat milk?
- It's full of healthy vitamins.
- I don't have time for a break.
- Whoa.
- What the [BLEEP] was that?
The Blues are firing on us.
But sailships don't have weapons.
[CACKLES]
I knew those bastards
would fight dirty.
- D'Vana, take the helm.
- What? What are you doing?
You're not actually
gonna try to board them.
Stand down, sister.
I know you think you're
tough, but I'm the captain here.
D'Erika's out of control.
- She has to be stopped.
- Why? She's doing great.
Because she's, she's starting fights
when she should be focused on racing.
But we have to defend ourselves.
No, we don't.
Uh, w-we ha
We have to win the race,
and that's not going to happen
i-if we let the Blues
drag us into the mud.
ALL: Uh
Also, I am the goddamn Mistress
of the Winter Constellations,
and you'll do as I say.
- ALL: Yes, Mistress.
- Are you proposing a mutiny?
Yes, but a gentle, supportive mutiny.
Uh, a cute-iny.
So, D'Erika, hi. [CHUCKLES]
So, the girls and I, we-we
had a little meeting back there,
and, uh, well, you're doing great.
We think you should
sort of be relieved of duty?
[GRUNTING]
Are you working with
the [BLEEP]ing Blues?!
L'Kar? Little help?
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMS]
Sorry, Cap, but the
Mistress has a plan.
Why are you being so nice?
- It's a cute-iny.
- Ugh.
Either mutiny or don't.
[GRUNTS]
[CLEARS THROAT] Full sail ahead.
Ooh, I'm gonna feed you to snakes.
Do you hear me?
A snake for snakes!
Snakes don't eat snakes!
Stupid rich kidnappers
with their tacky hideout.
BOIMLER: These guys
aren't cut out for this.
They strapped weapons to
their household robots, see?
That one's trying to
sweep up with a disruptor.
BOT: Filthy.
Filthy.
Must clean.
Ha, suckers. Easiest
rescue mission of all time.
- [BOTH SHOUT]
- BOT: This is a gardener's arrest.
Hands up or I'll prune you.
You got a Bointer for this?
I do, but now I'm not gonna say it.
[GRUNTS]
[SHOUTS]
Whoa!
- D'Erika, don't.
- Why not?
You don't have a plan,
and I know what I'm doing.
- It's too dangerous.
- Maybe for you.
[GRUNTS]
Ugh. I know you're pregnant.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Yes, you do. I
I read your logs.
[GASPS] Those are private.
[BOTH GRUNT]
L'KAR: That blue bastard
ripped our sail in half.
Jettison the sprit!
Too late.
Brace for impact.
GARDENER BOT: I am
programmed to mow, not kill.
I cannot predict what
my jumble of commands
may cause me to do.
I am in distress.
Well, that set my mind at ease.
Oh, this is all my fault.
I'm trying to be a better officer,
but that means less time
to hang with my friends,
and telling you to be
a "fun boss" was just so I could
feel like myself again.
Stop. This isn't either of our faults.
It is possible to do everything right
and still get your away team kidnapped
- by the corporate elite.
- Wow.
That's actually, like, very
evolved of you, Boims.
I like when stuff isn't our fault.
GARDENER BOT: We have
arrived at the holding cell.
[BOTH SHOUT]
Oh, my God, they're [BLEEP]ing dead!
GARDENER BOT: Oh,
[BLEEP], I forgot to water them.
I have failed as a
guard and a gardener.
D'ERIKA: You can't
launch a sailship on its own.
We're stranded.
And here come the Blues.
Damn it, looks like they're
heading back to the finish line.
KITA: Ugh, that means
they must have found
- the treasure.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Look, I know, I messed up.
But did you really think a violent
space race was a good
idea in your condition?
Mom fought dozens of battles
when she was carrying you.
I was actually born
mid-sword fight during
the battle of Thirat.
Stop defending her.
She lied to us.
Actually, I only lied to you.
Everyone else here already knew.
You didn't trust me?
No, of course I do.
My baby is going
to inherit your title.
She's the new Mistress of
the Winter Constellations.
- Oh, you're having a girl?
- That's right.
And Orion law would require you,
the current Mistress,
to stay and train her.
For the next 14 years.
So the whole time I
thought I was protecting you,
you were actually protecting me.
And now Mom and Dad are
going to lose everything they built.
[TENDI GASPS]
- Maybe not.
- Everyone up.
Starfleet here finally has a plan.
[GRUNTS]
Everyone, on the rigging.
We're gonna need every sail we've got.
The Blue Orions
are still too far ahead.
We'll never catch them.
Not with that attitude.
You're pirating for two now.
♪
RUTHERFORD: Aw, man,
I don't know what I'd do if
my mom sent me a dragon.
Good luck, sir.
Aah! What did you do?
Vulcans do not require
as much sleep as humans,
so I spent the night
fully repairing the shuttle.
Aw, this is terrible.
I am failing to find the
logic in your dissatisfaction.
I was trying to slow-roll the repairs.
Slow-roll?
Tendi and I used to
work on this every day.
It was our project.
She'll be so sad it's done.
You are implying that
the act of collaboration
is more important
than the work itself.
I know, I know,
- it's silly, but
- No.
My request for your aid in
studying was an exaggeration.
I was trying to deceive
you into socializing as well.
Wait.
You were?
Since Lieutenant Junior
Grade Tendi's departure,
I have observed your lack of purpose.
I assumed repairing the shuttle
would make for a pleasant surprise.
Aw, T'Lyn.
That's really nice.
- I should not have imposed.
- No, it's okay.
Who knows if Tendi's even coming back?
But if she does,
I'm sure we can find
something else to work on.
[GURGLING]
Call your stupid bosses.
We need medical help.
Come back, Mackler. Turn
away from the mountain.
GARDENER BOT:
Perhaps they need fertilizer.
Aah!
What did you do?
Aah! We said "Lock
them up," not "Kill them"!
We need to get in touch with our ship
right the [BLEEP] now.
Stop [BLEEP]ing around.
We didn't mean to hurt anyone.
We just didn't want to
lose the capitalist system
that gave us ultimate power.
Well, now you're gonna
get arrested by Starfleet.
You're gonna be poor
and stuck in a prison by space aliens.
[GASPS] I got it.
We got to get off-grid.
Learn to live off the land
and eat mud. [BABBLES]
Losers! [STRAINS]
I can almost reach our combadges.
[GURGLES, GASPS]
Mackler, Gorm, you-you're alive!
- [YAWNS]
- What did they do to you?
Ha, nothing, thanks to
Boimler's Bointer number 16.
- Uh, the one about flora and fauna?
- Yup.
In our research we found
this little tie-dyed coma beetle.
Its bite makes you seem dead.
GARDENER BOT: I will never again
choose the path of violence.
Glad you had a little story
for yourself today, buddy.
Okay, I'll request emergency
medical to get us out of here.
- Boo, Boimler.
- Aw, man, we want to go back to the party.
- You were clinically dead.
- Man, I thought you were fun.
♪
[GRUNTS] I never knew a
solar sailship could go this fast.
- Is this safe?
- No, it's not.
We're coming up on the Blues.
[GASPS] The treasure.
[GRUNTING]
Get your hands off our booty.
Ow!
[GRUNTS]
Are you crazy?
Now neither of us wins.
It's a tie.
Now both our families
will get to keep their wealth,
and the queen is going to be
happy that we compromised.
SABOR: You blew it up?!
Yeah, uh, so it was a tie.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
Pretty smart, right?
No.
Everyone loses!
The Syndicate will be taking
both of your houses' wealth.
- They cheated!
- SABOR: Shut up.
You hardly have anything to take away.
This isn't fair!
Well, the next time,
act like a pirate,
not Starfleet.
SHONA: Chin up, sweetheart.
- It's all right.
- No, it's not.
Our family just lost everything.
Money's not everything.
Might be nice to take
a break from the stress
- of all the assassination attempts.
- Mm-hmm.
Spend more time with our family.
Except for D'Vana.
I don't want her around.
Yeah, well, I guess I can't blame you.
Oh, lighten up.
What I meant was, you
need to return to Starfleet.
I don't want my girl growing up
seeing you do anything other
than what your heart tells you.
Thank you, but I'm gonna
come home, like, all the time.
Ooh, I want to cuddle that baby!
And maybe give her
some swashbuckling tips?
Already worried she's
going to be deadly.
You're going to be such a good mom.
[ERRATIC BEEPING]
Aah! Tendi.
Tendi?
How was Orion?
Ah, just a bunch of
boring pirate stuff.
I can't wait to work
on the shuttle with you.
Ooh, uh, Tendi, wait,
wait, wait, let me explain.
There's not gonna be much left to do.
- Whoa, what the heck happened here?
- [SHOUTS]
T'Lyn!
What did you do?
You destroyed the entire shuttle.
Oh, no.
Whatever shall we do?
Hey, now we can rebuild
the whole thing together.
Aw.
You destroyed the shuttle.
[CLINKS]
BOTH: Tendi!
Get over here, you beautiful
green ball of optimism.
Why don't we move
this party to the bar?
After a long day of
hauling treasure trash
and getting abducted by robber barons,
- I could use a drink.
- Treasure trash?
Eh, you know, post-scarce
society throwing out
all their jewels and crap.
How many jewels?
Captain Freeman,
your generosity is deeply appreciated.
It was your sister's idea,
and I'm always happy to
improve our diplomatic relations.
We were just gonna toss it all
in the matter recombinator anyway.
The House of Tendi is proud,
to serve as the wealth
disposal service for Targalus IX.
Now I don't have to feel bad
about Dad getting a pillaging job.
I'll see you soon,
Auntie Mistress of the
Winter Constellations.
Boys?
- Move it.
- Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.
Hurry, you idiot. Don't drop anything.
- Ow! [GROANS] Hurry up.
- [LAUGHTER]
I don't want her to
get mad at me again.
BLUE ORION 1: Hey, how
come you get to carry the jewels?
Oh, there are pearls in here.
K'LEVIN: Get those out of your mouth!