The League s05e02 Episode Script

Ted, betting big on the wide receivers this year.
Yeah.
I think I know what I'm doing.
But it's not a championship line-up, Theodore.
No one did as well as Taco, who seems to have drafted Serena - Williams in the eighth round.
- I don't know what happened.
I got nervous.
I meant to take her sister.
Well, it could be worse.
You could be this guy.
Ruxin! Aw, look who it is.
What happened to you? You bailed on the draft.
Ooh! Boy Oh! - What happened? - I got Rafied, which is worse than being roofied, trust me.
I feel like I need Ted's AIDS cocktail.
Bitch, you couldn't handle my cocktail.
No, no, you could not.
Wait, is this my team? I've got four kickers and no quarterback.
It looks worse than Aaron Hernandez's alibi.
What happened to Aaron Hernandez? Is he okay? Technically, this isn't really your team.
What? What do you mean? Yeah, you bailed on the draft.
You are not in the league, my friend.
But I capitulated on everything! I mean, what am I supposed to do now? I would enjoy the wedding.
No! No, no, no, no! I don't accept this.
I'm leaving.
What's your room number, by the way, Ruxin? My room number is eat my diseased dills.
Ugh.
Jenny, I do have something for you guys.
What's your room number? We're in 4 No, no, no! D-D-Do not tell these animals what room we are in.
Do not.
Why? Because this is what they do.
We like to go on road trips and sneak into each other's hotel rooms and ransack the minibar.
Like a pack of wolves.
I love that game.
I even play it with strangers.
I'm in room 428, Kevin.
Great.
I don't care.
My room is not going to give you AIDS.
Someone's room gave you AIDS, - Ted.
- Whoa, hey, hey! Put this away.
Trixie cannot see this board.
Hey, hey! Easy! Trixie cannot find out that we drafted last night.
I feel terrible about the whole thing.
Well, you should.
All your running backs have the same bye week.
No, it's not that.
This morning, she asked me how the bachelor party was, and I had to lie to her.
Marriages begin and end with lies; that's how it works.
Well, I refuse to poison our union.
You mean more than you already have with your widow-making death jizz? So when's Heather getting here? Oh, she can't come.
She's, uh, eight months pregnant, so she can't fly.
Oh, man, that was gonna be my wedding gift for you.
To get my sister pregnant? No, I was gonna not have sex with your sister.
Oh.
I was gonna spare you the awkwardness of knowing that we were rubbing wet spots on your special weekend.
Don't please don't say "wet spots.
" How did she even get pregnant? She hates it in that hole.
Okay.
Come on.
You suckers ready for some sun? Uh, uh, uh, no, no, no.
These are reserved.
This is for Pete; that's for Jenny.
Yep.
First wife, second wife.
W-What's that? Kevin's like a Mormon without any of the financial prowess.
Second wife sits over here, so he can jack him off, and then the first wife cups the balls, as is her right.
There's no jacking off.
That's right.
It's full pene.
There's no penetration, Ruxin, please.
Yeah, and then Ellie gets in there and is like, "I want" What? Stop it.
That's my niece you're talking about.
Yeah, but we were just talking about everyone getting in the mix Know some limits.
Watch yourself.
What's wrong with you? What's up, guys? Hey, guys.
Hey, Kevin.
Here's a little sunblock.
You know how you burn behind the ears.
Oh, it's like a bad episode of Big Love.
There are no bad episodes of Big Love.
I never thought either marriage would last.
We are T-minus 24 hours away from the Von Nozick wedding.
Are you ready, Gander? Please stop calling me Gander.
Are you ready, J-Balls? Gander will do.
All right, Gander.
Now, you need to do Wait, are you drinking my champagne? It's good.
It's a $400 bottle of champagne.
I'm not gonna drink the whole bottle.
Fine.
Duty number one: you are my ambassador to magic.
Andre, your big day might be more magical if there's no actual magic in it.
Hmm.
Well, then, how will people know I'm super cool? Your hat.
Great.
Which brings me to duty number two: you're in charge of my haberdashery.
Which to laypeople is "hats.
" Okay? How many hats are you gonna wear? Tres for the wedding, siete for the reception, and one for the consummation.
Oh, God, stop it.
You know you like it.
No.
All right, yeah, that's Gander-style.
Number three: how are you with animals? Not great.
Well, you better get good, 'cause I have 100 doves and they stink to high heaven, which is exactly where I want them to go, capisce? I need those doves a-flyin'.
No lazy doves, J-Balls! No? No lazy doves, Gander! Fine.
Look, I'm gonna yell at you a lot in the next 24 hours.
Oh.
But I want you to know it's only because I love you.
Bring it in for a she-bro hug.
Come here, come on, all right.
Come on, all right.
See you later.
I didn't even adjourn the meeting! I have a PowerPoint! You're sitting alone here at the pool because Pete and Kevin are up in the room doing their business? Look, I don't have a ton of time, so let's get to it.
I know you want back in the league.
Yeah.
I want you back in the league.
Why? Every hero needs their villain, Darth.
Hmm.
How do you plan on doing that? There's gonna be a league vote.
People are torn.
They trust you about as much as they'd trust a man with a ponytail.
I can change their mind.
And what do I have to do in return, Jenny? Oh, um be Andre's best man.
No, I won't do it.
I won't do it.
You don't have to.
Fine.
Okay.
Ah, hi, Jenny.
Hey, J.
J.
Hey, Ruxin.
How'd you like my draft? Oh, about as much as you liked getting spanked by the Patriots in the playoffs, J.
J.
Real nice.
You ever played a down of football in your life? Uh, yeah, I played peewee football for a year.
Looks like you still play peewee football.
Hey, NaVorro.
Hey, Gerald.
Hey, Jenny.
Last night was crazy.
Wait, you guys were at the draft, too? Yeah.
Did you help pick my team? Of course we did.
Why do you think there's so many defenses? Listen, don't start your complaining.
You got a awesome team.
I have no quarterbacks.
We don't like quarterbacks.
I don't like running backs, either.
Running backs dropped.
Please.
Those girlish diva receivers? Out.
Diva receivers dropped.
Nothing but defenses and kickers on Pete Top, Kevin Bottom.
Fantasy gold.
If you guys weren't all huge, huge men and this water wasn't so cold, I would come in the pool and kick all your asses right now.
Fine.
I will be Andre's "Gander.
" But let me tell you something, Iceman, I don't like you.
'Cause you're dangerous.
You'd better get going.
You have so many activities to run.
Activities? You know, it's always been my dream to play a little beach volleyball just like they did in the movie Top Gun.
And today you're all on my squad.
Where are the jean shorts and rampant homoeroticism? - Oh, it's coming.
- Hey! Oh! Nice tush.
Now, today you're all a part of my team.
Y'all got your nicknames.
Gander, Slider, Iceman, Hollywood, and Taco.
Thought we were doing a Top Chef thing.
No, Top Gun.
And no Maverick would be complete without his Goose! Ha-ha! And you're gonna wear it.
No.
Go on Isn't there a homeless guy I can jack off instead of doing that? You gotta wear it! It's my wedding! I'm the groom.
You gotta wear it, you Man up! Man up! It's my wedding! It's my wedding, you do what I say! Man up! Fine.
Fine.
Yeah, you wear that.
You're a groomzilla.
Put that on! Go, Goose! All right, let's play some volleyball, huh? Yeah! Yeah, all right! Taco, you getting this? Yeah, yeah.
Maverick, Goose and Hollywood against Family MacArthur, Kevin and his two wives.
Top Groom! - Kevin, you - Uh-huh, uh-huh oh, God Scro Squadron.
Coming in hot from downtown.
Bring it, Ted, bring it! Kevin I'm looking at you, pal.
Is that blood? Oh, God.
We don't want it, we don't want it.
Blood ball! Don't! Oh, God! You guys! It's fake blood.
Break point.
You got it? It's enough footage of the ball, Taco.
Ted's cocktail is not sitting well with me.
What? You took my pills? I took your Wednesday.
That's gonna mess with my immune system.
What about my digestive system, Ted?! It's gonna wreak havoc.
- Oh! I gotta Yobogoya! - Yes! Yeah! Whoo! Where's the nearest bathroom? I think they're pretty far.
No options! What are you gonna do? No options! Oh, yeah.
Oh, God! Yes! Wait for me! I can't hold it! Go! Go, Kevin, go! Go for it! I'm getting it! Are you filming this? Oh, you beast! Seabiscuit! Oh, dibs on Seabiscuit.
It's my new team name.
I'm not Seabiscuit! I gotta have vacation sex with that.
Oh, my God, Pacific Ocean forever unclean! Let's get our rehearsal dinner on.
After you.
Hey, Goose, let me see my hats.
'Cause I want to make sure I know what I'm in for.
You've got diabetic gelato maker, old Japanese guy who sniffs young girls' panties, and of course, the newsies molester collection.
Well, Kevin and the wives finally showing up.
Hey, how is everyone? Good.
Can I interest you in a cocktail? He's fine.
No, I'm fine, thank you.
He's good.
How are you doing over here, Mr.
King of the Wide Receivers? I mean, look, I know you landed Calvin Johnson That's right.
but Calvin Johnson does not a season make.
I'll be honest with you, I could use a great running back or two.
Uh-huh.
I don't know what you're doing with that one kicker of yours.
Hello, everyone, I'm Ruxin.
I am the best man here at the wedding.
- You're the Goose! - Goose! I would love to invite now the father and mother of the groom, Mr.
Burt and Gloria Nozick up to say some words.
Yeah! Speech! Hi, everybody.
Hi.
We're so proud of you, Andre, and our lovely new daughter.
You're gorgeous.
It was just such a short time ago that he was a little boy.
That's really what it feels like.
And he never really knew very much about-about women.
Remember, you guys, you guys, you told him that women didn't have anything down there.
Oh, that's right.
That they were like Barbie dolls.
You called it "smooth saddles.
" Yes.
To smooth saddles.
Oh! I got, I got a surprise.
Something amazing is what he means.
Something incredible.
Something sweet and beautiful.
Here we go.
Ta-da.
It's a Kluneberg! Penis Andre is attacking Anus Trixie.
This is an important work.
It recontextualizes everything I know about the penis.
It's a valuable addition to anyone's personal collection.
Coming up big, Mr.
and Mrs.
N! Yay! N! N! They're early front-runners for MVP of the wedding, Mr.
and Mrs.
Nozick.
Okay, would anybody else like to say some words? I've got a little something.
Ah, Ted would like to speak.
So from MVPs to A-I-Ds.
Everybody, Ted.
Thank you, Goose.
You know, they say a good marriage is like a team.
I cannot imagine you two apart.
Andre without Trixie? That's like having great, great wide receivers and no running backs.
Or at least over-the-hill and injury-prone ones.
I'm sorry.
I misspoke.
Did I just say great wide receivers? I'm sorry, no.
Trix, if half of what this man has tweeted about you is true, then you're the best.
You are the Calvin Johnson of brides.
A true number one.
And here you are tonight.
You're so beautiful.
Calvin Johnson being offered up! And I know that anyone here-- Andre, anyone.
Anyone or Andre is going to have to give up something very big in order to get you in his lineup.
But I'll tell you what.
That is gonna make both parties in this matrimonial transaction exceedingly happy for the upcoming season, or for all time.
The floor is open.
Wow! Great speech.
Ted, do you mind if I say a word? No, I don't mind a bit.
Thank you.
And congratulations, Andre, and to you, Trixie.
All this talk about weddings and marriage and teams reminds me of the day of my wedding.
The day that I found my number one draft pick Calvin Johnson.
The day I married my Jenny.
Aw I would have traded anything to get her.
She's the most Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
This is not my forte.
Matt Forte.
Matt Forte.
He said, "No, it's not my forte.
" That's an interesting speech, Kevin.
Uh, do you have any more you would want to offer? No, thank you.
Uh, I just want to say, Andre and Trixie, you're a beautiful couple.
You know, if I could just better Kevin's toast Okay, please don't.
No, Kevin's toast was fair, and I don't think it can be better.
It's about you, Andre.
How dependable you are.
Mm.
Week after week, and how important it is to have someone like that on your team.
I believe it was the great poet Marshawn Lynch Marshawn Lynch? I don't Who is that? He was originally from Buffalo, then he became a poet in the Northwest.
who once said, "I am a stud.
I'm an every down type of player even in garbage time.
" Jamaal Charles! Not many of you are gonna understand that.
That's sort of an inside joke, but Drop it! Drop it! Jamaal Charles! I don't really get Andre's friends.
I think they're just maybe not very bright.
All right.
I accept Pete's speech.
Cock and balls! Yes! So moving.
How do we all feel? Ratified, ratified.
Done.
To Andre and Trixie.
To Andre and Trixie! Yeah! Yay! Weirdest goddamn rehearsal dinner I've ever been to.
I'm not understanding these speeches.
I feel like something is going on.
Is this a fantasy league thing? What? No, no, no.
Right? Right? You screwed me! You gave me traids.
Stop it.
I might have gave you trerpes.
No, it was full-blown traids! Hey, you guys are way too serious about speeches.
They were all good.
Whoa! Kevin, Pete really just screwed you.
Reminds me of when I was in the league.
Speaking of, when are you guys gonna have that vote about voting me back in the league? What vote? What? Jenny said you guys were holding a vote as to whether I was gonna be back in the league.
Whoops.
Whoops? That's all you have to say in your little slutty leprechaun outfit? I think, uh, we got a little bit off track here, didn't we? And what better way to get back on track than a speech from my Goose? You want a goose? I'm gonna shove my hand up all of your asses, pull your intestines out, and then hang you with them.
Wow.
Top Groom! Whoo-hoo! It just hurts.
When he undermines my trades, it bothers me.
You're sitting here, complaining to your real wife about Pete, your fake wife.
I am not complaining to you.
I am just looking to you for a little support.
Guys, where's Ruxin? Oh, he is still goosing it up over there.
Cap me, Goose.
Well, that's perfect because I swiped that fool's hotel key.
When we get back to that hotel, we're gonna obliterate that minibar.
That's right.
Let's get out of here.
I want to By the way, Kevin, I heard what you have to say.
Your feelings are valid, but you're still gonna lose.
Well, at least you acknowledged the fact that you hurt me.
So, you guys are staying in separate rooms? It's marital tradition.
We sleep in separate rooms.
I won't see her until the wedding.
Are you jacking off like crazy? No, I'm saving myself.
I'm practicing fap-stinence.
Hmm.
You guys all know how the British call masturbating "fapping.
" So I am fap-staining.
Okay, wait, you're rocking a full load of laundry right now? Yeah.
No, no, no.
Andre, you got to avoid the juggernut.
The juggernut? You got a packed Brazilian nightclub in your pants and there's only one exit.
As soon as the fire starts, people are gonna get hurt.
You got to start letting peoepl out now.
But I don't have my stuff.
I don't have my usual materials.
Fear not.
I'll take care of it.
As my gift to you I will be your jack butler.
Your right hand's right-hand man.
Ruxin.
Ruxy? Ruxin? Hey, buddy.
Commence Let's go.
Taco! Ten dollars, $20.
Expensive gin.
Expensive American beer.
Beautiful.
Oh, yes, so expensive! Nuts, go nuts! $20 chips! Ruxin just bought a robe! Guys, guys, guys! Ruxin wants room service.
Hello, can we have menu, please? - Lunch and dinner.
- Shiva Komedi Somakanakram Shiva Komedi Somakanakram Hey! Guys, guys, wait, he's here, he's here He's coming.
I can't wait to see his face.
Hey! What the hell's going on here? Oh, we thought this was Ruxin's room.
This is not Ruxin's room.
This is my room.
Oh, he must've switched the keys.
This is not gonna fly.
And you guys are gonna pay for this.
Shit! Run! Run! I'm about to add five to my sack total.
He's so big! Ah, giant Ruxin is coming! Go, go, go! Run, you guys, run, run, run, run, run! Nobody messes with my minibar! J.
J.
, no! You're mine, meat! Feed him Ted first.
Andre, since your sister's not here for me to not have sex with her, I got you a couple other gifts.
Ta-da! Your very own personalized pee bib.
Oh, you got it monogrammed and everything.
That's for your first piss as a married man.
And more importantly, got you some porn.
So you can avoid that juggernut of yours.
Do I really have to do that? You got to avoid the juggernut.
You take that, throw it in a DVD player, whip out that little penis of yours, go to town.
Spit that poisonous venom out of yourself.
No, no, no.
I'm not gonna do it in front of you.
I'm your jack butler.
I know how to jerk off.
Do you want to take the shirt off or you gonna keep it on? I'm gonna do it by myself.
That's so weird.
Well, get out of here, man.
All right, I want you jerking off in there in one minute.
All right, go.
No-look jelly.
Bam! You nasty, tiny jelly.
You nasty.
No.
No, no, too much, Ruxin! Oh, come on, that's my shirt.
That's our minibar.
Those are my condoms, I was gonna pretend to use those.
Hey, I would've drank that.
Have you guys seen how expensive this stuff is? You know, I know you guys are worried about J.
J.
and I.
We settled our differences, and when I grabbed all of your room keys, I thought who better to give them to than this man right here.
And I know what room you're in now.
Lobby.
Nailed it.
Hey! Everything? You know, dude can't draft for shit, but he can get even like a Charge it to the room.
To the room! To the room.
Not to the room.
No, no, no, no, no! Tap water, drink tap water.
It's delicious.
No, it's not from Fiji.
Look at this, guys.
We got lobster.
This has to be, like, 250 bucks.
Don't-don't open that.
Don't touch the lobster.
J.
J.
, please don't open the lobster! Damn it, come on, man! My wedding is in four hours.
What are you doing? Getting dressed? Is that what I think it is? Um no? No, that's last year's board.
That's not this year's board.
Why does that say 2013? Uh, because that's the year it was then, Pixie.
Do you know what? I am so sick of your bullshit! I don't even like any of you people.
You have horrible style.
This is my wedding! your league! Hey! it! Relax.
Wow.
Andre! R.
I.
P.
to the league, y'all.
What? (woman passionately moaning on computer) Almost lost my foreskin on that one.
Taco? We should clean up before Andre gets home, right? Nah, you're family, come on.
Just let it dry.
Heather? Man, I love Andre's Star Wars sheets.
Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up.
Ooh, hey, honey.
What the hell, Andre? What? You had a draft at our wedding? Okay I can explain, look, I wasn't I don't want any of your lies, I don't want any of your stupid lies.
I'm not a liar.
What happened to trust? Please What happened to our weekend? Why are your pants unzipped? I'm doing this for us.
I was trying to avoid the juggernut.
The juggernut? My God, you are not the man that I thought you were.
No, I am the man, look I-I got the doves and I got the three different outfits for the wedding How can there be a wedding, Andre? You cheated on me with your league! All right, please I can, I can Don't-don't-don't cry Please don't touch me, don't even touch me I'm gonna ruin my makeup.
Oh, no, no, no! My eyes! Sorry, I didn't mean Stay away from me, you stay away from me Okay, I didn't mean to, come on, I'm so sorry! Trixie, forgive me, come on Trixie! No, Trixie, no.
So, wait, you masturbated and she went blind? Yeah.
I wonder if she grew hair on her hands, too? Why didn't you go with her, Andre? She doesn't want me to.
She said it's over.
So, first wife, second wife, no wife? Ow.
All right, guys, after today's events, I think it's time we put this horseshit behavior behind us.
One of us is really hurting.
Ruxin? Am I back in the league? Would you like to be back in the league? Oh, my God.
Come here, guys.
Bring it in, bring it in.
All right.
Yeah, let's celebrate.
Andre, why don't you get us all a bucket of beers? Mm-hmm.
But don't put your jizz-riled hands on 'em, okay?