The Mindy Project s05e02 Episode Script

1 Hey, Leo? I don't have any chocolate chips for pancakes.
Can I put Advil in pancakes? They are sugarcoated.
[sniffing.]
Why do I smell cookies? Am I having a stroke? You know what? If it smells this good, bring it on.
Smells like they're coming from upstairs.
Leo, I'm going up to your room.
Ugh, God.
Ah! Ah! Oh, hello, Mindy.
Would you like a cookie? Jody, what the hell is going on here? Who are all these people? I am in lingerie.
I'm having an open house so I can sell the apartment.
- You're having an open house? - Mm-hmm.
But you gave this apartment to me and Leo as a gift.
I already put it on Airbnb and scammed some German tourists.
I gave you this apartment as a romantic gesture, a gesture which you spurned.
No romance, no gesture.
So if I have sex with you, then you'll give me the apartment? That's fine.
Take your pants off.
- Hop up on the piano.
- No, no, no, no.
Everyone, I am not accepting sex in exchange for this apartment.
[chuckles.]
I'm sorry it's come to this, Mindy.
I wanted this apartment to be a happy home for the three of us.
You're just gonna turn a poor single mother out on her ass? You're welcome to put in an offer, just like everybody else.
I can't stop you from bidding on it; I checked.
And that is exactly what I'm gonna do.
And I'm gonna take these cookies as my breakfast 'cause they look hella delicious.
I cannot wait till all this blows up in your face, 'cause when you come at the king, you better not miss.
If you mess with the bull, you gotta prepare for the horns.
Ahh! [groans.]
Uh, don't worry.
We'll have this door sealed up.
Don't have to worry about any crazy neighbors.
[hip-hop music.]
A year ago, I would have said it's impossible for you to find the money to buy the apartment upstairs.
You were leasing a car you forgot about.
I did not forget about that car.
I abandoned it, 'cause of tickets.
But you've become a very financially responsible young lady.
As it turns out, it's not that hard to save.
Oh! You know what else helped a lot? You started stealing toilet paper from the hospital.
That saved a lot of scratch, Melville.
I can't be seen buying toilet paper in the quantities that I need.
- It's horrifying.
- That said, Manhattan real estate is very pricy.
You are gonna have to find another $25,000 for the down payment.
- What? - What? - $25,000.
- That is a lot of money.
Okay, I definitely shouldn't have donated so much money to the Trump campaign.
No, that's selfish.
I don't want my son to grow up in a country where it's a crime to be white.
Still, where am I gonna find it? Maybe I can help.
- Ow! - I'm sorry.
Let's see what I got in the ol' wallet here.
You have no money! Thank you so much for seeing Leo, Dr.
Maloof.
I'm always so lucky to get an appointment with the pediatrician to the stars.
Oh, stop it.
Only Kanye and the cover of "New York Magazine" - call me that.
- Wow.
Well, I can see that Leo's had trouble sleeping, 'cause he's got an ear infection.
But it's nothing serious.
I'll just prescribe some ear drops.
Oh, FYI, those drops only work if you get him to sit still for a few minutes after you put them in.
I can show you a trick if you want.
Oh, she's a doctor, Nurse Ben.
I'm pretty sure she can figure it out.
[both laughing.]
Okay.
I'm sorry, I have to run.
Savannah Guthrie's giving me the Silver Labia Award for my work on third-world PMS.
She's so sweet.
And if you're someone who gets more than two colonics a week, Duncan and I are offering 5% off our Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
Hello, Mindy.
You're looking more disheveled than usual today.
A hot dog cart tipped over on me, I'll have you know.
- [all gasping.]
- What are you doing here? Trying to get us to use mushrooms as tampons? He wants to hire a doctor to shill for his midwives' practice.
In the extremely unlikely event of a complication, some women prefer to have a doctor on call.
Hey, man, just 'cause we're hot doesn't mean we're dumb.
Working for you would be so embarrassing, and this is coming from a person who chased a Pokémon into a hot dog cart a mere 15 minutes ago.
- Oh.
- Told you it was gonna happen.
If you change your mind, I'll be upstairs in my sensory deprivation tank.
So knock hard.
What the hell, guys? I'm five minutes late to work and this is what happens? Sit down, sit down.
All right, uh The nurses at the hospital, we've all been talking, and we want to join a union.
Uh why? We treat you well.
I mean, I gave you my old shoes to wear.
And I love them, Dr.
Reed.
I wear them when I want to dress more feminine.
We're happy working here.
Yeah, but joining a union will protect our rights and it'll make us impossible to fire, like teachers.
There's a petition in Phlebotomy.
You sign it; that way, we don't have to strike.
I can get health insurance and get my growth looked at.
- Hard pass! - Bev, come on.
You know what? I'll sign it.
I love signing petitions.
It makes me feel less bad about never voting.
You're the best, okay? Some people didn't think you were gonna sign it.
They were like, "Ugh, I hate Dr.
L, she's the worst.
" "Yeah, she's not gonna sign it.
She stinks.
" And I'm like, "She's my friend.
She's gonna sign it.
" Love you, girl.
Hey, Mom! How's my favorite mom? Oh, it's so nice of you to remember Daddy's birthday.
Uh yeah.
Morgan, go to bookstore and get one of those Bill O'Reilly killing someone books - and mail it to my dad.
- On it! Hey! Do you remember when you moved to India and I paid for you guys to get that condo there? Well, you're back, and I kinda need the money.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
It's really not a good time.
Rishi needs another semester at DJ school.
He's switching majors from scratching to general studies, and Daddy's been buying geodes on EBay again.
I would really like to get that money back.
Well one way for you to get your money back is to invest in my new CD of jazz standards with Sonu twist.
You say Mumbai, I say Bombay You say Kolkata, I say Calcutta - Mumbai, Bombay - No, bye, Mom.
[grunts.]
Ah, Mindy.
You still want that apartment, you better put a bid in.
I've got a Chinese billionaire ready to pay cash so his useless son has a place to live while he interns at Buzzfeed.
No, no, no, Jody, you can't sell it.
Okay, I'm gonna buy it.
I just I don't have the money right now.
But if worse comes to worst, I will just sell my toenails online to some pervert.
- Oh.
- Listen to this.
Dr.
Ledreau's nurses also want to join the union.
- [sighs.]
- I can remember when nurses knew their places.
Treat the patients well and be okay with a little slap and tickle at the Christmas party.
What has gotten into these nurses? Even my sister wants to join.
Apparently, there's some kind of petition going around.
Make sure no one is dumb enough to sign that thing.
I do not get why we're so anti-union, okay? I love unions! Can you imagine life without the the SAG awards? It's the actors honoring their own.
Their demands are outrageous.
If the nurses want more money and better healthcare, where do you think that's coming from? I don't know, fed? The banks? The Clinton Foundation has all that Saudi money.
The money comes out of our pockets.
- Exsqueeze me? - Mm-hmm.
- Us? - Yeah.
- We're paying for that? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I got a lot of expenses, okay? And I ain't got no sugar daddy since I turned this guy down.
[laughs.]
Morgan? Colette? Ah, thank God.
Okay.
I'm getting my almonds, and then we can leave.
What are you doing slumming it up in Phlebotomy? Oh, my God.
You support us so much you're signing the petition twice.
- Oh, wow.
- Yep.
Wait a minute! She erasing her name from the list, Morgan, look.
The tip is up and the eraser's down.
- [dramatic gasp.]
- I've read every "Nancy Drew.
" Dr.
L, why are you un-signing our petition? It was very easy to support you when I scarified nothing and nobody cared.
It was like saying I'd never go to SeaWorld after that stupid documentary came out.
I was already banned for fighting a penguin.
Wait a minute.
That means none of the Shulman doctors signed it.
Tell me your support wasn't just nominal.
I just it's not a good time, guys.
Maybe in a couple years.
Morgan doesn't have a couple years, 'cause he's already coughing up blood into a handkerchief.
A handkerchief? I wish.
It's a old pair of underwear.
It's a nominal handkerchief at best.
Okay, we get it.
You learned the word "nominal.
" Well, listen, the strike vote is tonight, and I know which way I'm voting.
So do I.
I'll tell you this right now.
- [coughing.]
- Ahh! - Broke my heart! - Ahh! - Broke my heart! - God! - Your breath sucks! - We're striking.
And it's not gonna be nominal.
All: Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Come on.
All: Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! I wonder how the strike vote went last night.
Colette didn't show up for her bubble bath.
Well, I'm sure cooler heads prevailed.
Nurses have always struck me as a sensible, yet simple sort.
Nurses: 'Cause doctor greed has got to go, hey, hey! - Hey! Ho! Ho! - Hey! Did they just call me a ho? - Nurses: Ho! Ho! - Hey, look, doctors! Everyone boo! [nurses booing.]
Guys, you have to know, I wanted to sign that petition.
It's just now is not a good time.
And you know, timing is everything.
It's just a small raise, it's just a nominal amount of money.
Stop saying that word! Dr.
L, if you really care, join us in the picket line.
You could use the exercise.
You know she can't do that, Tamra.
I mean, though, honestly, you could use the exercise.
[spits.]
- Hey! - My brogue! - She spat on my brogue! - My God! Colette, you were raised better than that! We only spit on the Lincoln Memorial.
Oh, the Lincoln Memorial, wow.
Talk about other amazing vacations you've been on.
Do you know what I do on the weekends? I collect old Russian newspapers around the neighborhood and I bring 'em to the dump and sell 'em.
That's a sad story.
I don't know why that's our fault.
You know what, I'm just gonna say the thing that everyone's thinking, which is, if you guys wanted to make more money, you should have gone to medical school.
- Oh ho ho! - Wow.
Hey, guys, listen up.
This from Dr.
Mindy Lahiri.
You're all a bunch of fat, ugly losers with some kind of malfunction which is why you're nurses and not doctors.
I did not say that! - Direct quote.
- Only you're that.
- All right - Just going inside.
I can't let you through.
I cannot let you Picket all you like.
We don't need you.
We've already lined up some non-union replacements.
Replacements! Welcome to Shulman & Associates, scabs.
She means free-spirited independent nurses.
Of course.
Why don't y'all tell us something about yourselves? I was a nurse in an asylum.
Then the asylum burnt down.
Now I'm here.
I actually had a month-long vacation planned before I got this job, so I can't be around tree nuts.
And I'm allergic to air-conditioning.
- Hmm.
- Hi! I'm Beverly.
- Well, thank you for coming.
- Get out.
Well, Mrs.
Hegarty, I'll actually be the one doing your blood draw today.
Uh, but where's Morgan? He named all my veins.
Harold is his favorite.
Ha, Harold the vein.
You know, you're actually in much better hands with me, 'cause I'm a real doctor.
Columbia Medical School, Princeton University.
Indians are famously smart.
You're gonna be fine.
This is actually the best goddamn day of your life.
All right, let's get in here.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- That did not work.
- [whimpers.]
Yeah, that was a birthmark, not a vein.
Ow! That hurt.
God, I don't know why this is so hard.
You know, I practiced on my neighbor's cat last night.
- You're making me nervous.
- Why are you nervous? I'm the one that's bad at this.
Okay.
Ugh.
- Right in the vein.
- [squishing.]
See? Wait.
That might be an artery.
Oh, God, it's a gusher.
Oh, hey, Jeremy.
How's it going with you? Not well, actually.
I just almost put a morphine drip in the wrong patient.
Had to take a little myself just to calm down.
But being our on-call physician could be very lucrative for you, Dr.
Ledreau.
What the hell is going on here? Oh, my God.
You're preying on the elderly.
- Brendan, you are a monster.
- Unbelievable.
Why are you two covered in blood? We're not covered in blood.
We're splattered in blood.
- Yeah.
- Ah, the nurses' strike.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a little extra income during these uncertain times? - Just get out of here.
- Mm.
Go back to wherever you're from.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- [groans.]
Nurses: Hey hey! Ho ho! This doctor greed has got to go.
- Hey hey - [murmuring indistinctly.]
Picketing is boring.
It's just walking back and forth all day.
It's like modeling with bad clothes.
Yo, I'm gonna be honest, guys.
I just I miss the level of conversation I had with the doctors.
I mean, do you guys even read? - Yeah, do you? - Honestly, no.
Mrs.
Denton, I'm so sorry.
I must have mixed up the charts.
You're definitely not pregnant! Hey, man, this has gotta stop.
Okay, Tamra is the only person who knows how to work the coffee machine.
I need caffeine; I almost fell asleep in one of my patient's cooches this morning.
I'm afraid I have to agree, Jeremy.
I just had to take a patient's urine sample.
- It was so warm.
- They're so warm.
Stop! Do you know why I'm wearing this string of pearls? - You're trans.
- You're trans? No.
No, it's to remind me to stay strong, like my idol, Margaret Thatcher, the Iron Lady.
Iron Man's wife? If Lady Thatcher could stand up to the coal miners, so can we.
- We need to divide and conquer.
- Well said.
- Mindy.
- I think I understand.
Don't waste any more time trying to explain it to me.
I have zero ides of my own.
Let's just do that.
- Okay.
- [line trills.]
- Hello.
- Hello, Morgan.
It's Dr.
Reed.
Dr.
Reed, the tan you know who I am.
I'm the English guy.
Anyway, we were wondering if you wouldn't mind joining a couple of us for lunch to [line clicks.]
He said yes and hung up.
- Ah.
- Thank God.
Mm.
This halibut is terrible.
Yeah, we're at a pancake place, bitch.
- [groaning and shouting.]
- Whoa! - Okay.
- Ahh.
[inhales sharply.]
[strained.]
It's Morgan.
Oh.
- I missed you so much.
- Missed you too.
Put a picture of you in the front of my underwear so no one could see it.
So, Morgan, thank you for joining us.
We actually wanted to discuss an issue of some delicacy.
- Hey, Morgan.
- Oh! There you are! Morgan, who is this person? This is my friend.
His name is Ben.
He's also a male nurse.
When I told him I was meeting the doctors for lunch, he wanted to come by and check it out.
Hey, man, I'm so sorry.
This is, like, a private pancake lunch for friends, not just a place for a rando nurse to come get a free lunch.
I'm not a rando.
I'm a nurse at your pediatrician's office.
How old are you? My pediatrician died in Boston years ago.
Not your pediatrician Leo's.
You see, Morgan, this is how much we mean to them.
They barely realize we exist.
- Okay.
- That's I gotta tell you, brother, you're way off.
- These are my best friends.
- Thank you.
That's nice.
I mean, why else would they ask me to lunch at a Pancake Factory? Have they ever asked you to lunch before? Yeah, yeah.
You've asked me to go get you lunch every day almost.
I've had lunch, and you've sat in the room.
At least five or six times.
Sometimes she'll say, "I need you out.
I can't focus.
" - But I'll sit right at the door.
- Yeah.
So, yes, to answer your question, yes.
Morgan, I think it's pretty obvious what's happening here.
They're trying to make a side deal with your nurses to break our strike.
They think you're the weakest link.
Okay, you know what? I don't need any - Whoa, no! - Hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa.
I don't need some uppity nurse with hair gel coming to my nice pancake lunch, stirring up trouble.
- Come on.
- [grunts.]
- Or is it the truth? - Is what Ben says true? Is it? - It's true.
- You caved so quickly.
- Morgan, let's go.
- This is unbelievable.
Unbelievable! Come on.
- Come on.
- Oh, my God.
God! - Hey, baby.
Oh, oh, oh.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Miss Dr.
L.
- [crying.]
Leo's ear infection is still bothering him.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay, bye.
- Hey, sweetheart.
- [Leo crying.]
Okay, you know what, I'm gonna call Dr.
Maloof, all right? [line trilling.]
This is Dr.
Yasmin Maloof.
I'm either unavailable or accepting an award for powerful women right now.
If your child is in need of immediate assistance, find your nearest emergency room.
If you are a celebrity, use the other number I gave you.
I'll pick up.
Come on.
Nurses: One, two, three, four! We won't take it anymore! Five, six, seven, eight! Come on, docs, negotiate! One, two, three, four! - Oh, it's Dr.
Lahiri! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Whoa.
- [all speaking at once.]
Yeah, I see it.
Move your hand.
Both: Move it! - Yeah, it is you! - Hey! We heard that you tried to get Morgan to betray us.
Like my sign says, that's not cool! - Oh.
- Nurses: That's not cool! I don't want to look at your sign right now.
- No, don't chant it! - Nurses: That's not cool! Stop it! I get it.
I get it.
You don't think it's cool.
I'm sorry, Colette.
I'm not here to fight with you guys.
I'm here 'cause my kid is sick.
Leo still dealing with the ear infection? - Yeah, it got worse.
- Okay, clear the way.
- Sick baby coming through.
- Hey, go.
Go.
Clear a path.
Clear a path, all you.
But we're still gonna take your ass down! Nurses: One, two, three, four! We won't take this anymore.
Five, six, seven, eight [Leo crying, indistinct chatter.]
Oh, God.
[Leo crying.]
Don't worry, Leo.
I'm a doctor.
I'll get the VIP treatment.
It's all right.
Okay.
Hey, I'm looking for Ah! Oh, God! I'm so sorry.
You just look like a man who guards a crypt.
Do I look like the guy you fired? I blame my colleagues for how that panned out.
Guess not everyone thought I was a worthless bucket of puke.
Did I say that out loud? I'm so sorry.
I'm in kind of a bind.
I'm looking for Debbie, the nurse who usually works here.
I don't know no Debbie.
She's probably out on the picket line.
If you're bleeding out, there's some gauze going around.
Wait's only about four hours.
Thank you for nothing, sir.
- [Leo crying.]
- It's okay, Leo.
It's okay.
We're gonna get a seat, all right? There's an open seat right there.
You know, we're just gonna sit by this wall.
Nurses: We won't take it anymore! - Five, six, seven, eight - [Leo crying.]
Sweetie, I'm sorry you're so miserable.
I don't like how it smells in here either.
It'll be okay, all right? [Leo crying.]
Nurses: One, two, three, four.
We won't take it anymore.
- Hey, Morgan.
- Hey.
Do you have Dr.
Lahiri's number? Yeah, I got all the numbers weight, goal weight, age, real age.
PH, cholesterol what are you looking for? Phone? Why do you need Dr.
Lahiri's phone number? I just want to prank call her to demoralize her.
- Oh.
Good idea.
- Ho.
Psychological warfare.
Give him the number, Morgan.
Like the Jerky Boys.
Here you go.
Saw 'em in concert seven times.
- Hello.
- Hey, you stink.
- Ha-ha, yeah! - Ah.
Excuse me? That smell's not coming from me.
No, don't hang up.
It's Ben.
The nurse.
Leo's nurse? Did you forget already? No, because you can't forget something you never learned.
Okay, that's pretty rude.
Look, I want to help Leo.
- Meet me in your office.
- Thanks, but you know what? I'd rather just sit here in the ER sitting across from a guy who has a corn cob sticking out of his Oh, my God, he's dead.
He's dead.
Leo, it's gonna be okay, all right? All right, I tried to tell you the trick to these ear drops, but you didn't want to listen to me.
I'm sorry.
When I'm around Dr.
Maloof, I become terrible.
She's the kind of light-skinned, frosty, beautiful minority woman that I sort of see myself as.
Okay, so the trick is to keep Leo still and lying on his uninfected side so the medicine has time to settle into his ear.
It's not gonna happen, dude.
He is too squirmy.
Yesterday, I tried to put him in his little sparkly "Mama's Little Diva" camisole.
He screamed, kicked me in the tits.
- Relax, all right? - I'm just telling you! It's a lot.
What's his favorite show? "Entourage.
" Let's go with "Dora.
" Do you have, like, a tablet or something? I do.
So we lock the screen, put it at 90 degrees Don't worry, guys.
[crying.]
We don't know which way to go.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, pretty cool, right? He's laying still.
Why don't you put the ear drops in? Oh, yeah, of course.
You have to say "math.
" Voilà.
Ben, wow.
I haven't seen him this into a TV show since that "Entourage" where Turtle had a three-way with those skanks in Park City.
[Leo giggles.]
You are really good with kids.
You should be a mall Santa, or, like, real Santa.
Yeah, I'm a pediatric nurse.
I've told you this several times.
Actually learned that ear drop trick with my own daughter.
Oh, is she a toddler too? Nope.
She's 13.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
Damn, dude, you started young.
Most guys in Manhattan don't have kids till they're, like, 70, and then they die before they have to sit through a boring graduation.
Guess I'm not like most guys in Manhattan.
Oh, wait, wait, I'm sorry.
- This is just to say thank you.
- No, no, no, no.
I can't take your money.
Also, this is only $3.
And a European Wax Center punch card.
That's an accident.
I need that back.
I am hairy like a curse, so At least, can I give you money for a cab ride home? Look, I didn't want to have to tell you this, but I'm not going home.
I'm a bouncer at Dave & Buster's to pick up some extra cash during the strike.
I'm constantly breaking up fights over Ms.
Pac-Man.
But it's in the neighborhood, so I'll walk.
Hey, I'm sorry that you have to take that job.
And I hope that the strike ends soon.
It's all right.
Nothing too embarrassing when it's for your kid, right? Hey.
- Yeah.
- This is for you.
It's the money for the apartment.
Oh, no, Mindy.
How did you get this money? Was it the mob? You already owe them so much.
I don't want to go into the details of how I got the money.
I will say a helpful Dave & Buster's bouncer gave me some good advice.
He said when it comes to your kid, you find a way to get the money, no matter what.
Okay, well, that anecdote didn't make a whole lot of sense, but as long as this check cashes, I don't give a hoot.
- Congrats on your new apartment.
- Thank you.
Ah, Mindy! What on earth is this? Brendan and Duncan Deslaurier proudly announce their new on-call physician, Dr.
Mindy Lahiri.
Oh, no.
Damn, they made those fast.
And I don't love that photo.
"Dr.
Lahiri knows that using a midwife is just as safe if not safer than giving birth with a doctor.
" Mindy, how could you? - That is so embarrassing.
- I know, okay? But I needed the money.
Besides, it's just a stupid brochure.
It's not just a brochure! Nurses: No peace, no nurses! No peace, no nurses! No peace, no nurses! - [sighs.]
- Nurses: No peace, no nurses! No peace, no nurses! No peace, no nurses! - No peace, no nurses! - Oh, no.
- Nurses: No peace, no nurses! - Oh, God.
Horrible, horrible.
Defeat is our only hope.
Nurses: No peace, no nurses! No peace, no nurses! No peace, no nurses! No peace, no nurses! - No peace, no nurses! - [spits.]
Ah, she spat on me!