The Neighborhood (2018) s05e02 Episode Script

1
This is a first.
Empty service bay available.
Yeah, it happens.
You know, usually,
when I bring my car in,
I have to leave it out on the street.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
'Cause you're so busy.
Yup.
Not today, though.
No, not today.
You want to talk about it?
I do not.
You know I can't do that.
All right, look, fine.
Business isn't what it used to be.
And it's not just the
competition from the big chains,
it's all these new cars.
They don't have driveshafts
and differentials,
it's just motherboards and chips.
It's like riding around
in a big-ass iPad.
Well
would you like some
constructive criticism?
Oh Lord.
Look, this place is a little old-school.
I mean, you don't even have free Wi-Fi.
Yes, I do.
It's from the Thai place next door.
The password is "padthai22."
They tried to change it,
but I figured it out.
Okay.
Have you ever noticed
one of those businesses
that has a sticker
in the window that reads,
"People love us on Yelp"?
Yeah, but why would I care
about some sticker?
Well, because your customers
care about them.
I use the site all the time.
In fact, I have Elite reviewer status,
not to brag.
Don't worry, you didn't.
Okay, think about this,
would Tina ever read a book
that didn't have an Oprah sticker on it?
Hell no.
How would she know if the book is good?
Ah
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
"Since 1989, Calvin Butler
"has been Pasadena's
"most sought-after mechanic.
There has even been talk of a statue."
Whoa, check you out, Pop. What?
You building a Yelp page.
Man, that's pretty ambitious
for a man of your, uh
vintage.
Well, I'll have you know
that I'm actually
pretty good with technology.
See, I got this cool picture
of the shop.
All I have to do is get it off
my phone and onto my computer,
which is easy because, uh
Just let me do it.
Oh, I like that idea.
- Yeah, there you go.
- Yeah.
Hey, man,
I've been thinking, we should go out
for a night on the town this week,
like back in the day. Butler boys.
Oh, yeah, that's interesting.
You know, since the day you met Necie,
you have asked me to hang out
a total of zero times.
But now that she's out of town,
suddenly, I'm not invisible anymore.
I know, I know. I've been a bad brother.
Yeah. It's just so weird
with Necie being gone.
I don't know what
to do with myself, man.
For the last six months,
I've been, you know,
busy every night.
Yes, I know. I can hear the shrieking.
Thank God Necie is quiet.
Good Lord, yuck.
I see your yuck,
and raise you a
Okay, it has been a minute
since I hit the clubs.
We should take two
separate cars 'cause, uh,
you know how your boy does.
No, we don't. Let's keep it that way.
Here, Pops, your picture is uploaded.
Ah, cool. All right.
And
Calvin's Yelp page is ready to launch.
All right. This is exciting.
Okay, ten nine
- eight
- And post.
Dad, you got to respect
the countdown, man.
Marty, I ain't got time to waste.
I'm trying to get me a sticker.
So
you about ready to close that thing?
Almost.
You know, writing a
Yelp review is tricky.
There's a fine line between rave
and going over the top.
Oh, there's also a fine line between
sex and me going to sleep.
Stay with me, baby. I'm almost done.
Just give him five stars
and take your pants off.
Look, you know, it's not that simple.
I take the integrity of my
Yelp reviews very seriously.
There are legions of Yelpers out there
who have come to trust
the reviews of "Dave J."
That is 100% in your head.
Is it?
I gave one star to a bike shop
that bent my frame.
36 people found that review "helpful."
That bike shop is now a dentist office.
Mmm. That kind of power is a turn-on.
Is it?
No, but it's 11:15, so
yes.O-Okay.
This little light of ♪
Mine ♪
- I'm gonna let it ♪
- Ugh.
Hey, Tina. Thanks for picking me up.
What in the Fergie's national
anthem is going on in there?
It's the after-school music program.
We lost our music teacher last year,
so the biology teacher is filling in.
Well, what, is he dissecting
a live goat in there?
It's not that bad.
- Okay, it's terrible.
- Mm.
I'm looking to hire someone new,
but it's a really hard position to fill.
I need someone who can sing and dance
and has the charisma
to inspire the kids.
And pretty.
Gemma, how gullible do you think I am?
What? Why would you Wh-Wh-What?
"Hey, T. Thanks for picking me up.
Meet me in front
of multipurpose room three."
You knew damn well I was gonna
walk in and hear all that mess.
Whoa. You think Wh Uh, what?
Will you do it?
Gemma, you know I've got
my cupcake business and
But it's only a couple
of afternoons a week.
But you know what?
I shouldn't have put you on the spot.
Yeah, you shouldn't have.
- Oh, hi, Miss Tina.
- Hey.
I wasn't expecting to see you here.
Can we go home, Mom?
I'm sad.
This is making all the kids
fall out of love
- with music.
- Oh.
The only thing worse than
that singing is y'all's acting.
I'll take that as a yes.
All right.
Mm-hmm. Mm
Mm-hmm
So? It's good, right?
No, it's great.
Real rave. Five stars.
Happy to do it.
There's one line in here that,
uh, you know, threw me off a little.
"Don't be put off
"by the owner's prickly exterior,
you'll come to realize
he's a great guy."
Yeah.
Why-why did you call me "prickly"?
Well, the takeaway is
"great guy."
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure,
but before that it's "prickly."
Okay, look, Calvin, don't
take this as an insult, but,
you know, I didn't want my
followers to come in and be
caught off guard by your
strong personality.
But, again, "great guy."
I appreciate the review, Dave,
but, come on, I'm not prickly.
Oh, I agree, Pop. You're not prickly.
Thank you.
Yeah, that's not the right word.
It's more like cantankerous.
Testy.
Cranky.
Ooh, you know, I considered cranky.
- Ah.
- Ooh, you know what? I got it:
obstreperous.
- Oh, yeah. Obstreperous.
- No, no, no, no.
I am not obstreperous.
I'm the opposite. I am very streperous.
Calvin, you know, you're
only focusing on the negative.
Look at this.
18 thumbs up for Dave J. I'm killing it.
But the important thing is-is
I'm bringing eyeballs to your site.
Yes, and all the eyeballs
are agreeing with you.
"The owner is definitely
on the prickly side."
Oh, ooh, oh, look at,
"Watch out for Mr. Grumpy."
Look, these are all
five-star reviews, though.
This is how you earn the sticker.
Ooh, "crusty."
Ooh, yup, yup. "Crotchety."
Oh, freedom ♪
- Freedom ♪
- Freedom ♪
Freedom ♪
- Freedom ♪
- Stop.
Stop, stop, stop.
Okay.
William, Phoebe, I think
you two will be happier
in the rhythm section. We all will.
Okay, now, let's take it back
to the top.
Oh, freedom ♪
Freedom, freedom ♪
Freedom ♪
Stop!
Ugh, Grover,
you are croaking like a frog. Stand up.
I need for you to sing
from your diaphragm, okay?
We're gonna take you up
an octave, Froggy, all right?
- Ah ♪
- Ah.
- Ah, ah ♪
- Ah
Ah Yes!
That's your sweet spot, Kermit.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't laugh.
Some of y'all sound like
you got your fingers
slammed in a car door.
Let's go. Again.
This is gonna take a week?
Well, it wouldn't take a week
if you ever changed your oil.
Man, you sound like my father.
Well, I am not your father
because, if I was,
I'd take your car and give you a bike.
Now take that to your real daddy.
So, Calvin, just curious,
how do you think that guy's
feeling right now?
Probably stupid
for not changing his oil.
Okay, you know what,
uh, let me rephrase.
What do you think that guy's
gonna say on Yelp?
"Five stars"?
"Guy reminds me of my father"?
Come on, Dave, come on,
don't-don't get in my head
- about this.
- Well, I don't want to,
but with Yelp comes
tremendous responsibility.
I don't want the responsibility,
I just want the sticker.
You have to earn the sticker.
Now, it's not that not hard.
You just got to add
a little bit of sunshine.
Now, I've taken the liberty of
making you a little cheat sheet.
Here, "Number one,
ask them how they're doing,
i.e. how their day is."
Their day is terrible.
Their car's broken.
Ugh.
Calvin, come on, just try it out.
All right, I'll give it a shot,
- man.
- Okay, look.
Yeah, all right.
Hello. Welcome to Calvin's Pit Stop.
How are you today?
I'd really like to know.
Hey.
Hello, again. How are you?
I need to dump some used
motor oil. Where do I put it?
I'll tell you where you can put it.
You can put it
Look, I'm sorry, but we only
do that for our customers.
But the recycling center is just
a mile up Lincoln in Altadena.
It's a lovely drive, by the way.
All right, fine.
Be sure to love us on Yelp.
Man You see that
Calvin, that showed amazing restraint.
- It sure did. Did you hear him?
- Yeah.
"I want to recycle my oil."
You know what? I was about to recycle
Hey, hello.
Welcome to Calvin's Pit Stop.
How can I turn your Monday a fun day?
Nailed it.
So, I wanted to show you
what I'm gonna do
with my class tomorrow.
Nobody can teach the difference
between major and minor keys like
Stevie Wonder.
Ooh. Whew.
This is gonna blow
their little unformed minds.
That's awesome.
You're doing a great job. It's just
these kids are pretty sheltered,
and I'm afraid you're being a
teensy bit blunt.
Yup. That's me.
Yeah.
And that's great.
It's just, maybe you're
a little too blunt.
Just a teensy weensy bit.
Okay, so let me get this straight.
I'm being "a teensy weensy bit
too blunt"?
Just try to remember they're children.
Children with parents who aren't
shy about calling the principal.
But, again,
you're doing great, so great.
So great, but too blunt, huh?
Just an eensy, teensy, weensy bit.
And pretty, so pretty.
Whoo! Oh, man!
Man, it's been a long time.
Last time I was out like this,
I was a desperate single guy,
striking out with hot women.
Well, it's a grind out here, man.
You know, you are lucky
you are not on the hunt anymore.
Hey, what can I say, baby?
I'm a lucky man.
Yeah, right.
I am in your way. Forgive me.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll find a way to squeeze in.
- What the hell was that?
- What?
She was hitting on you, man.
- No, really?
- Yes, really.
Save my spot.
At all costs. Okay.
This spot right here? Okay, I got it.
You're dancing with me.
Who are you?
I don't know.
Uh-oh.
Baby, why are you frowning?
I can't help it, bae.
I've been fake-smiling all day.
It's like my face been doing squats.
But, apparently,
that's what you have to do
if I want to get
one of these Yelp stickers.
I mean, God forbid I look
at somebody the wrong way,
and they write a bad review.
Well, that's ridiculous, Calvin.
Your customers have always loved you.
I know.
So what if I'm prickly?
- I am who I am.
- Exactly.
You know, like today,
Gemma told me that I was too blunt.
What's wrong with blunt?
Nothing.
It's not my job to lie to those kids.
They need honesty
if they're gonna do better.
You know what,
if we are guilty of anything,
it's that we care too much.
Boom.
I actually like your bluntness.
Mm. You are a strong, blunt woman.
Mm-hmm.
And I like that
you're prickly, you know?
That means you don't take any crap.
You mess with a porcupine,
your behind's gonna get pricked.
You see, that's why
we are a great couple.
Mm. That's right, that's right.
Um, baby, may I be blunt?
I wish that you would.
I want to take you to the bedroom
and do 17 nasty things to you.
Seventeen?
Ooh, can we do nine and get some rest?
No? Well, how about I lay
there, and we can do 12?
Valerie! Valerie.
Valerie, I I'm an engaged man.
A very, very flattered engaged man.
Okay.
I feel like a piece of meat,
but I did get a free margatini.
I figured it out.
You know, it all makes sense now.
See, it used to be,
in situations like this, you
you always had an air
of desperation about you.
Yeah, no argument there.
But now that you have a fiancée,
it is totally different.
You see, the desperation is gone.
You're loose and-and funny,
and you are not even trying at all.
Why didn't I have this superpower
when I could've enjoyed it?
That is the irony, my brother.
You only have it
because you don't need it.
You know, this is fun, man, but
I am over this dating scene.
Got to be honest, lil' bro
I envy what you have with Necie.
Aw, man.
You know, if you want to find the one,
you got to meet her somewhere, right?
- Yeah.
- Let me
use my powers for good.
What do you mean?
Excuse me, miss.
- Do you like Idris Elba?
- Yes, I do.
Okay, well, what if Idris
was younger, more athletic,
and had a job coaching baseball
at one of the most prestigious
universities in Southern California?
Whoa, you do?
No, girl. Look at me.
No, I struck out at kickball,
and I'm engaged, but
this is my brother,
and he is a catch.
Hey, I'm Malcolm.
Six two.
Hi, Malcolm. Uh, come sit
with me and my friends.
Oh, I would love to.
Can you do a British accent?
I do believe I can.
Oh, hey, Calvin.
So, you just wait out here?
Sometimes I do, yes.
- What do you want?
- Okay, well,
despite my intentions, which were
very, very good
I messed up.
What the hell?
So my rating went down a half a star?
I know. Scroll down.
"The owner smiled the whole time,
it was creepy."
Oh, and then there's this one.
"Expect a lot of mindless chitchat."
In my defense,
I happen to love mindless chitchat.
You know, I should've
followed my instincts.
It just didn't feel right being so nice.
I'm done, Dave.
I'm bringing back old Calvin,
and if that doesn't give me
a sticker, then so be it.
No, y-you are getting that sticker
because you're a great mechanic.
Look, you were getting
nothing but five stars
until I started getting in your head.
You're damn right I was.
Yes, you were, and you want to know why?
Because people love Prickly Calvin.
I love Prickly Calvin.
I know you do.
Now get the hell out of my way.
Hey, Calvin.
Welcome back.
Freedom ♪
- Freedom ♪
- Oh, freedom ♪
Freedom ♪
- Freedom ♪
- Oh, freedom ♪
Freedom, freedom ♪
Oh, freedom, oh, freedom ♪
Freedom ♪
Yes! I love it.
That was almost beautiful.
You little germ buckets can sing.
All right, give me some,
give me some, give me some.
Okay, okay, now, run me my props.
I think that's what I'm about to do.
Tina, I'm blown away.
Oh, of course you are. And by the way?
Five more kids showed up this week,
and two of them can actually sing.
- That's great.
- Uh-huh.
Look, Gemma, I, um,
I know you're in a tough position,
but I got to be me.
And I want you to be.
If I'm gonna be good at my job,
I've got to hire the best people
and you are the best.
You can be as blunt as you want to be.
Good. 'Cause those pants
aren't doing your butt any favors.