The Simple Life (2003) s05e02 Episode Script

NARRA TOR: Previously on The Simple Life.
PARlS: Where are we? NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole get reunited and re-employed.
For the next five weeks, you'll be my camp counselors.
NARRA TOR: This time, they have help.
Very hot help.
So what does your boyfriend think about all this, being out in camp and stuff? I broke up with him.
NARRA TOR: But their first task is a big one.
So this week at camp, we're gonna learn to be healthy.
I'm Susan Powter, infomercial queen.
Starting again a wellness revolution.
Burn fat, lose some weight, and get healthier.
My first impression was, "Oh, hell, no! " NARRA TOR: The girls help the campers lose weight by confiscating junk food, administering enemas and serving healthy meals.
You know what? I'm seriously getting hungry.
-We're starving.
-I think we all are.
NARRA TOR: But when the campers complain, Paris and Nicole succumb to peer pressure and hatch a plan to reclaim the confiscated food by ripping off the refrigerator door.
PARlS: Oh, my gosh! What in the heck? One of my refrigerators? Let's take two girls, both filthy rich From the bright lights to wilderness From a little town to a little campground Will they survive the simple life? Let's take away their limousines Their credit cards and shopping sprees Well, they're both spoilt rotten Will they cry when they hit bottom? Hea ven knows if they'll survive This simple campers kind of life PARlS: Where the hell are we? ED : Good morning, campers! Time to get up and out of bed.
Paris and Nicole, up to my office, please.
Immediately.
-He sounds mad.
-NlCOLE: I know.
-After last night, I'm scared to see him.
-NlCOLE: I know.
PARlS: I'm scared.
NlCOLE: Me, too.
-Hi.
-Can you guys sit down, please? You two, you've destroyed the building.
This isn't some high-dollar place.
Like I got heaps of money to throw away.
Last night, I really would have taken you over my knee.
The campers are starving and we felt really bad, and Okay.
You two will be responsible for rebuilding the shed the way it was.
So annoying.
It sucks.
We're girls.
Like, we're gonna have to put this all together? See, we can't do it.
I'm bored.
Nicole, grab your saw.
Put your arm out.
-You drilled your arm? -Yes.
All right.
Let's go.
Ready? (BOTH WAlLlNG) Clean up the mess, right now.
Thank you.
-Sorry.
-Sorry.
-This sucks.
-This sucks.
NARRA TOR: After Paris and Nicole suffer through a morning of shed remodeling, Hunter pulls Nicole aside to get some advice.
I heard you and Paris are like, you know, best of friends.
I'm just trying to do something, like I don't know, trying to impress her a little bit.
But, you know I don't know.
-So, like, you have a crush on her? -Just a little, yeah.
-Okay.
All right.
All right.
-Yeah.
PARlS: Do you guys have boyfriends? WOMAN: Yeah.
-You do? -WOMAN: Right now, Paris, do you have a boyfriend? -No.
I'm single.
-Single? I've always been in a relationship, and this is, like, the first time in my life where I can, you know, not pay attention to the guy and get to know myself because, you know, I haven't really got to know me.
-She likes a rough guy.
-Really? -She likes guys with, like, six-packs.
-Six-packs? Okay.
So, like, as much as you could, not have a shirt on in front of her.
Are you serious? (SlGHS) Well, I think this has been very I guess it can help.
Well, how do you know when someone just wants you for you, and not 'cause of your money? I'm a pretty good judge of character, and people show their true colors.
So when I'm famous, I hope I'm really able to tell if the guy wants me for me, and not because I'm so hot and sexy -and rich and loaded.
-It's hard being a sexy bitch.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) NARRA TOR: While completing the morning chores, Hunter decides to give Nicole's advice a try.
-Another beautiful day.
-As always.
I love it out here.
All righty.
Here we go! The day officially begins.
(BUZZlNG) -There's so many bugs.
I hate it.
-It's just, they're very Exactly.
ED: Hunter! HUNTER: Yo! Let's get your shirt back on.
Look a little professional.
-We have people in camp still, okay? -Yeah, I'm sorry.
-Campers in camp.
I know Paris loves it.
-Yes.
I'm sorry, sir.
-Thank you.
-I'll get it on.
For sure.
SUSAN: Good poses.
Relax your face.
You need to shake out.
Put your butt in my hand.
Like a squat.
Right there.
Yeah, come along.
-Does he have his butt in my hand? -Hey, oh! Hey! Hunter's been acting really weird.
-What do you mean? -The first day of camp, he was normal.
And now, he's like, just always taking his shirt off, and, like, just doing this weird stuff.
It's, like, it's annoying.
NARRA TOR: With Nicole delighted that her little plan is fooling Hunter and Paris, the girls move on to help Susan with a unique way of releasing the campers ' toxins.
-How are you? -We're cupping.
-Hot.
-And the reason you wanna cup, is because you wanna increase the circulation and unblock your chakras as we go.
The ancient art of cupping.
Paris, could you hold the gun, please.
-Real gun? Wait a minute.
-Yes, the gun.
Just press it into it, and you suction until you scream or say, "No.
" -Wait -SUSAN: Feel that suction? SUSAN: Do you feel it? MATTHEW: Yeah.
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG) To undo a cup, it's a simple easy twist.
-PARlS: It's like a hickey.
-You have to unblock their chi.
I'll be back, girls, to check.
-Who's next? -That's weird.
NlCOLE: Don't be scared, guys.
-This cleanses you.
Wow.
-It's so weird, huh? One, two, three.
Okay.
WOMAN: Oh, he looks like a domino! -You're next.
-I'm next? -Yeah.
You're next.
-WOMAN: Wow.
PARlS: We have to do it to your boobs.
-BlG DRAWERS: More suction, Paris.
-Shut up, Big Drawers.
That's good.
-That's good.
-MAN: Oh, no.
You look like you're getting, like, a signal.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) -ALL: Three, two, one.
-Three, two, one.
PARlS: Next? Oh, my God! Take it off.
Okay.
I'll take them off myself.
Can't we just do a lobotomy? Wouldn't that be a lot easier? I've already got enough chins.
How many more do you want to give me? NARRA TOR: After a healthy lunch, Susan announces the afternoon workout, and it's a heavy task for the counselors.
SUSAN: How is everyone? WOMAN: Hi, Susan! -MAN: Fine, Susan! -Ready for a hike? -ALL: Yeah! -Yeah! SUSAN: We're thinking about evening out the score here, and the odds.
We thought we'd add a whole bunch of weight to all the counselors, so it's fair enough as all of us go hiking up the hill.
SUSAN: Paris.
Nicole.
Paris and Nicole.
Some weights, apparently, dropped out of the vests.
Here we go.
I'm sure they just dropped out accidentally.
SUSAN: Everyone ready? ALL: Yes.
SUSAN: Come on.
Good.
Come on.
-I feel bad.
Should we help her? -Yeah.
(SOBBlNG) What's wrong? Tell me.
I'm clearly larger than everybody else.
They expect me to hike up this? I mean, what the hell? (SOBBlNG) It's okay.
I don't like this, because I don't like crying.
-Because it's my fault I'm fat.
-I'm really about to cry.
-No, it's not.
-lt sucks.
We both know that.
GLORlA: I'm trying.
PARlS: I know that you are.
I know how she feels.
I mean, that's You know, I'm usually the biggest girl.
I'm not a quitter.
-I feel embarrassed.
-Don't be embarrassed.
Let's just Let's just go at our own pace, whatever.
And we'll gossip, so that our minds are off of it.
PARlS: We will go at your pace.
NlCOLE: Yeah, we'll go at your pace.
Thank you.
I'm coming.
It'll just take me a while.
PARlS: I know.
I'm just embarrassed.
MAN 1: She's coming, and she's gonna make it.
MAN 2: She's gonna make it.
MAN 1: Let's go, Gloria! (ALL CHEERlNG) -It's so worth it when you get up here.
-Come on, Gloria! -Almost there.
-WOMAN: Up the hill! -MAN: You're good! -Yeah, baby, come on! (ALL WHOOPlNG) SUSAN: Right on, Gloria.
Come sit down and have some water, honey, right next to us.
Turn around and take a look, really.
This is what it's all about, is being outside.
Let's go have a look around.
Thank you.
It's definitely beautiful out.
We caught it at the right time, too, with the sunset.
PARlS: I feel bad for Gloria.
But she stuck through it and she went up it, you know, she could have quit if she wanted to.
But she didn't.
-She's so sweet.
-And you guys really helped her along, too.
I'm not gonna just leave her there hanging.
-You're not gonna leave her hanging? No.
-No.
Hey, you know, Nicole was She was giving me some advice today.
Uh-huh.
I don't know if it was so much good advice, though.
What? I don't know, she said you liked to be tickled.
-I hate being tickled.
-You hate being tickled? And I think that she said, like, something about being a man's man, and, like, burping, and -Oh no, I love that.
-Very anti.
Yeah, right? I love that.
It's so hot.
She is a riot.
I won't tickle you, and I won't burp, and do all that crazy stuff.
It's okay.
HUNTER: At least we get to share a sunset.
PARlS: It's pretty.
Okay, Counselors, and everyone, the skin is the largest organ on the body, and one of the best ways to ventilate the skin is to sweat.
So we've got, set up here, private sweat lodges for each one of you.
And, Counselors, you know what to do, so I give it up to you and I'll be right back.
SUSAN: Okay? ALL: All right.
So, get in the sweat lodges, one at a time.
I shall come out a butterfly.
-How's her cleavage? -Sexy.
Do you have a boyfriend? -A few.
-Sexy.
You guys, it's time for you to get into the sweat lodge.
-We're getting in the sweat lodges? -Yeah.
You have to.
Take it off! Take it off! NlCOLE: We're doing it, too.
Yeah, but there's only two, so we both have to share them.
-So me and Nicole -We'll share one.
-Oh, man.
-Oh, God.
(ALL WHOOPlNG) But you have to take off your pants, because it's regulation.
And your shirts.
You don't want to sweat in all your clothes.
Lift up your arms.
(WHOOPlNG) NlCOLE: Get in your boxers.
Yes! -Oh, they're weird.
-WOMAN: Yeah! Point your butt that way! Okay, well, I don't know how this is supposed to help us.
You guys doing it, too? MATTHEW: Wait a minute.
HUNTER: Bummer.
I don't think this is quite working so well for us.
Oh, okay.
Boys, what are you doing naked? Yeah, it's time the boys get out.
Oh, look at you naked.
Come on, Hunter.
MAN: Yeah, you got to see his Underoos.
-He's Spider-Man.
-He has to let it mellow.
Here comes the bulge.
-That's very inappropriate, boys.
-Really inappropriate.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) NARRA TOR: After a cold camp shower, Hunter has Paris on his mind and an important question for the male campers.
What do you guys think my chances are? -Like, a small-town kid and a -MAN: You ain't got a chance.
She's used to Hollywood, she's used to the lifestyle, she's used to the egos.
You know what? You're a change of pace, you're a different flavor.
And maybe that's what she needs.
You know, Hunter, if you are confident and you feel like you can go out and hunt and gather woman, she wants a man, Hunter.
You know what I'm talking about? A man.
Damn it, I'm gonna be a man! -Okay! -Yeah! -Dude, now come on.
-Puff your chest.
-Go for Paris! -HUNTER: Yeah! -You're the man! -You're the man, Hunter! -Hey, Paris.
-Hey.
-How you doing? -Good.
-Good? -Yeah, what's up? No I just wanted to say good night, and if you need anything just let me know, I'll be right next door, of course, so -Okay.
-Good night.
Good night.
All right.
It's a very hi-tech system they have here.
NlCOLE: Yeah.
Hello? Yeah, there we go.
It's reading you.
Test.
Test.
It's good to go.
All right, you lazy time to get up.
Boys, get rid of your morning wood, it's time to get out ofbed.
SUSAN: Good morning, everyone.
We're gonna get you on the scale.
-WOMAN: Yeah! -Everyone ready? SUSAN: Let's increase the energy a bit by dividing into teams.
Girls against the boys to see who loses the most weight.
So let's start with lan.
Ian, want to come over here? Stand on the scale and let's see what's happening here.
Look at you, going down by the moment.
That's very exciting, actually.
I'll put it down on the board.
Who's next? Well done.
Well done.
Good for you.
Come on, Joey.
Well done, Joey.
Joey deserves a round of applause, here.
Who's next? That's good to see.
When you say, "Wow," and move that big one down.
Good for you.
-Awesome.
-MAN: Come on, boy.
Now for the girls.
Here we go for the girls.
Let's go.
-Watch your backs.
-MAN: You're in control! What's happening here? The boys have been taking it off.
Now, girls, I don't know what, here.
Something has to be going on for real.
This is serious business.
I don't know what went on yesterday or the day before, but it's showing on the scale.
Whatever did go on is showing on the scale.
-Everyone get whatever they want.
-WOMAN: Here.
Listen, you guys, this thing doesn't lie.
I'm not herearound and I'm not here wasting my time.
-Does everyone understand that? -ALL: Yes.
These numbers suck.
And if you don't take it seriously, there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
-ls there? -ALL: No.
What can we do to make them really lose weight? She's gonna, like, kill us.
How do we lose weight? NARRA TOR: As a result of their junk food binge the ladies need to shed pounds fast, so Paris and Nicole lead their campers off campus to teach them a brand-new way to lose weight in style.
Flirting increases your heart rate, which then burns calories.
So everyone's gonna take turns flirting.
Are you in any relationship or something? Are you single? -I'm single as they come.
-Okay, that's what I'm talking about.
-Oh, your eyes are so pretty.
-Thank you.
They're blue like the sky.
-So, do you wanna buy me a drink? -Yeah.
Okay, great.
I'll drink anything.
HUNTER: What time is it? ALL: Game time! -What time is it? -ALL: It's the game time! (ALL SHOUTlNG) Ready? Off the shelf.
Put it in the cart.
-ALL: Off the shelf and put in the cart.
-Off the shelf and put in the cart.
MATTHEW: Hike! HUNTER: Two Mississippi.
Three Miss Four Mississippi.
-Loves it.
-Loves it.
WOMAN: Oh, my God! -That's what real working out is all about.
-Yeah.
I bet tonight's weigh-in is gonna be amazing.
-I know you girls lost weight.
-Yeah.
Totally.
NARRA TOR: The long week of wellness is almost over.
But first, Paris, Nicole and their campers have some unfinished business with the boys.
Campers and Counselors, hello.
We're gathered here for what is, well, the culmination of a whole lot of work.
There have been a couple of different methods going on this week.
And I hope that it all works out for everyone to the most positive, healthy advantage.
-So you ready for the final weigh-in? -ALL: Yeah! SUSAN: Let's go! NARRA TOR: It's the final weigh-in, and the competition is fierce between Paris and Nicole's female campers and Hunter and Matthew's male campers.
So, the boys? Matthew, Hunter, let's weigh your team first.
-Are you ready for the final weigh-in? -ALL: Yeah! -SUSAN: Let's go! Bring them up.
-Boo! -Okay.
-Step on up there, bud.
All right.
Let's see what we got.
We've got 252.
Great.
MATTHEW: 207.
HUNTER: Yeah! -339.
-339.
MATTHEW: Congratulations to all the guys.
Hunter and I are very proud of you.
SUSAN: Time for the girls.
ALL: Yeah! All right, you guys need to strut because you know that that takes instant weight off, you know? NlCOLE: Strut.
Strut.
PARlS: Get on! Sorry.
-Big Drawers! -Big Drawers! Oh, my God! -Last but not least, Gloria! -PARlS: Gloria! NlCOLE: Ramadan! I know that hike did you a lot of good, so Ready? (DRUM ROLL) NlCOLE: That's 19 pounds.
NlCOLE: Happy graduation, everybody.
PARlS: Happy graduation, guys! (ALL WHOOPlNG) NARRA TOR: Everyone graduates with flying colors, but Paris and Nicole want to make sure the campers don 't fall back on old, bad habits.
So they ha ve everyone choose a guilty pleasure item to remove from their lives forever.
So everybody get in front of their plates, and release what you love the most.
Oh, no.
Maurice, we're starting with you.
Cupcake, I don't need you.
You're no good for me.
I release you.
Cheese and crackers that I have less of now, I release you from my life.
There's only two nuts that I need in my life and they're not made of dough.
Cracker! I don't need you anymore, cracker! NlCOLE: Yeah! Sunglasses, I don't need you.
I only use one eye, anyway, and I can use an eye patch.
Lip-gloss, you make my lips so pink and sexy, but I don't need you, 'cause I can just use lipstick.
MAURlCE: Well, it beats the odds.
NlCOLE: Everyone, put it into the basket.
-Lip-gloss? -No.
All right.
Me, either.
Say goodbye.
-ALL: One, two -One, two -ALL: Three! -Three! -Bye-bye.
-Bye.
(ALL WHOOPlNG) NARRA TOR: Next on The Simple Life.
I'm conducting a pageant camp here at Camp Shawnee.
NlCOLE: They're grown women.
They even spray tan.
She looks like she is going to murder me.
What She taught my daughter how to flip people off.