The Simpsons s05e02 Episode Script

[ Chorus .]
" The Simpsons " [ Bell Ringing .]
[ Whistle Blowing .]
[ Beeping .]
" [Jazzy Solo .]
[ Beeping .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
D'oh! [ Screams .]
"[ Broadway Version Of Theme Song .]
"[ Circus .]
[ Elephants Trumpeting .]
"[ Fanfare .]
[ Announcer .]
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain.
I'm your announcer, Obergruppenfuehrer Wolfcastle.
And here's McBain! [ Applause .]
Ja.
Thank you.
Ja.
That's nice.
Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey.
[ Applause, Whooping .]
That is some outfit, Scoey.
It makes you look like a homosexual.
- [ Booing .]
- Oh.
- Maybe you all are homosexuals too.
- [Jeering .]
This is horrible.
The Fox network has sunk to a new low.
Lisa, you got a letter.
It's from my pen pal, Anya.
[ Anya's Voice .]
Dear Lisa--As I write this, I am very sad.
Our president has been overthrown and-- [ Man's Voice Continues .]
Replaced by the benevolent General Krull.
All hail Krull and his glorious new regime.
! Sincerely, Little Girl.
- Oh.
- You got a letter too, Bart.
''I'm going to kill you.
'' [ Gasps .]
" The Itchy and Scratchy Show " [ Humming .]
Huh? Oh! [ Laughs .]
Oh! [ Yells .]
[ Shrieks .]
[ Struggling .]
Ah! Ahh! - [ Machine Stops .]
- [ Sighs .]
Bart, what's wrong with you? Oh, my God.
Someone's trying to kill me! Eh! - Oh, wait.
It's for Bart.
- [ Gasps .]
Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting.
Oh, uh, I wrote that one after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.
[ All Laughing .]
Ha-ha! But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace.
It's probably the person you least suspect.
[ Chuckles .]
That's good, Dad.
I say we call Matlock.
He'll find the culprit.
It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George ''Goober'' Lindsey.
Grampa, Matlock's not real.
Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste.
Now that's good eatin'! [ Footsteps .]
Oh, I checked around.
The girls are calling you ''fatty-fat fat fat'' and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants.
But nobody's trying to kill ya.
Oh, that's good.
[ Girls Chanting .]
Fatty-fat fat fat.
Fatty-fatty fat fat.
[ Deejay .]
All right.
This is dedicated to Bart Simpson with a message: ''I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully.
'' [ High-pitched Laughter.]
Wipeout.
" [ ''Wipeout'' .]
Bart, I'm going to get you-- - [ Gasps .]
- some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on diet cola.
- [ Bart Gasps .]
- Say your prayers, Simpson.
- [ Bart Shuddering .]
- Because the schools can't force you like they should.
Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.
[ Footsteps Approaching .]
You're going to be my murder victim, Bart in our school production of Lizzie Borden.
Starring Martin Prince as Lizzie.
Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart.
I'd like to help you, ma'am, but-- [ Chuckles .]
I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
- I'm pretty sure there is.
- Ha! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle-- - Uh, hey, she's right, Chief.
- Well, shut my mouth.
It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.
[ Chattering, Laughing .]
- Boys, knock it off.
- [ All Grumbling .]
[ Squirrels Chittering .]
Bart, I figured it out.
Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years? - Linda Lavin? - No, someone who didn't deserve it.
- [ Beeping .]
- Hello, Moe? We know you're the one behind this, so knock it off, or we're going to the cops! No, no, I'll take care of it.
Okay, it's over.
Get 'em outta here! Ha! Ha! Hmm! Hmm! You're out there somewhere.
But where? Where? [ Thunderclap .]
[ Laughing .]
Dear Life in These United States, A funny thing happened to me-- Eh, oh! Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.
Parole granted.
Next up for parole, Bob Terwilliger, a.
k.
a.
Sideshow Bob.
Take care, Snake.
May the next time we meet - be under more felicitous circumstances.
- Ga? - Take care.
- Ba.
Sideshow Bob has no decency.
He called me ''Chief Piggum.
'' - [ All Laughing .]
- Oh, now I get it.
[ Forced Laugh .]
That's good.
- Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
- [ Murmuring .]
How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now? Be honest.
[ Woman Clears Throat .]
- [ Gasps .]
- Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Robert, if released would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson? Bart Simpson? [ Chuckles .]
The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole? Uh, we object to the term ''urine-soaked hellhole'' when you could have said ''peepee-soaked heckhole.
'' - Cheerfully withdrawn.
- What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say ''Die, Bart, Die''? No, that's German for--- ''The Bart, The.
'' [ Laughing, Murmuring .]
No one who speaks German can be an evil man.
Parole granted.
[ Rolling Thunder .]
[ Man In Movie .]
Wow.
! The ''pooblic libary.
'' Let's stay here for a while, Vern.
[ Sideshow Bob.
: Exaggerated Laughter .]
[ Coughs .]
Oh, that man is so rude.
- Yeah.
- [ Laughing Continues .]
If you don't mind, we're trying to watch the mov-- [ Man In Movie .]
Hey, Vern.
Help me get my head out of this toilet.
- [ Toilet Flushes .]
- [ Laughing .]
Oh, really now, that's too much.
[ Both Scream .]
It's Sideshow Bob! - You wrote me those letters.
- You awful man! - Stay away from my son.
- Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right.
Stay away forever.
- Oh, no! - Wait a minute.
That's no good.
[ Grumbles .]
[ Footsteps Departing, Running Footsteps Approaching .]
Wait.
I've got a good one now.
Marge, say ''Stay away from my son'' again.
- No! - [ Grumbles .]
[ Creaking .]
[ Grunting .]
- [ Singsongy .]
And turn and flex.
- And shake and bounce and turn.
And flex and shake and bounce.
Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing.
And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him - is nice and legal.
- Is that so? Oh, Flanders, won't you join me in my kitchen? - [ Door Opens .]
- [ Sinister Laugh .]
- Uh, doesn't work if you invite him.
- Hidilly-hey! Now don't you fret.
When I'm through he won't set foot in this town again.
- I can be very, very persuasive.
- [ Cocks Gun .]
[ Siren Wailing In Distance .]
- Come on! Leave town! - No.
- I'll be your friend.
- No.
Oh, you're mean.
The following neighborhood residents will not be killed by me: Ned Flanders - Maude Flanders.
- Oh, isn't that nice? Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson Lisa Simpson, that little baby Simpson.
- That is all.
- Whoo-hoo! Did you hear, Bart? Eh-- Oh.
[ Door Creaks .]
Don't worry, Mrs.
Simpson.
We've helped hundreds of people in danger.
We'll give you a new name, a new job, new identities.
Whoo! I wanna beJohn Elway.
- [ Crowd Cheering .]
- [ Indistinct Yelling .]
[ Announcer .]
Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown.
! Thanks to Elway's patented last-second magic the fnal score of Super Bowl XXX-- Denver, 7 San Francisco, 56.
- Whoo-hoo! - I don't think this is such a good idea.
This isn't just because of Sideshow Bob.
It's a chance to turn around all our stinkin' lives.
I'll be Gus, the loveable chimney sweep.
Clean as a whistle.
Sharp as a thistle.
- Best in all Westminster.
Yeah! - Shut up, boy.
We have places your family can hide in peace and security.
Cape Fear, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville.
- Ooh, Ice Creamville.
- No, Screamville.
- [ Screams .]
- Tell you what, sir.
From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake.
Let's just practice a bit, hmm? When I say, ''Hello, Mr.
Thompson,'' you'll say, ''Hi.
'' - Check.
- Hello, Mr.
Thompson.
Remember now-- your name is Homer Thompson.
- I gotcha.
- Hello, Mr.
Thompson.
[ Groans .]
Now, when I say, ''Hello, Mr.
Thompson'' and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
- No problem.
- Hello, Mr.
Thompson.
I think he's talking to you.
- Here you go.
- Oh, what a cute convertible.
You guys at the bureau thought of everything.
Hey, look! The F.
B.
I.
Light Opera Society Sings the Complete Gilbert and Sullivan.
[ Engine Starts .]
"Three little maids from school are we " " Pert as a schoolgirl well can be " " Filled to the brim with girlish glee three little girls from school " - " Everything is a source of fun " - " [ Laughing .]
[ Sinister Laughing .]
- [ Thud .]
- Eh, lousy speed bumps.
Ooh! Whoa! Hey! [ Sipping Loudly .]
Oh, this coffee's too hot! [ Sideshow Bob Yells .]
Hey, kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? - Yeah! - Yeah! - [ Sideshow Bob .]
No.
! - Whoop, two against one.
[ Sideshow Bob Groaning, Yelling .]
[ Chorus .]
" The Thompsons " Wow, a houseboat.
You know, the great thing is, if you don't like your neighbors you can just pull up the anchor and sail someplace else.
[ All Laughing .]
[ Grumbles .]
[ Grumbles .]
[ Grumbles .]
[ Grumbles .]
[ Grumbles .]
[ Grumbles .]
[ Grumbles .]
[ Grumbles .]
- [ Smack .]
- [ Grumbles .]
- Homer, where's the dog? - I tied him up out back.
[ Panting .]
[ Sighs .]
We've left it all behind.
How can you make a clean break with your life? Relax, Marge.
I tied up all the loose ends before we left.
Hello! Hello! You have my pills! Hello? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.
[ Wolves Howling .]
- Hello, Bart.
- [ Screams .]
Down here, Bart.
- [ Thud .]
- Ow! [ Whimpering .]
- What do you want? - Surely there's no harm in laying in the middle of a public street.
"[ Marching Band .]
[ Grunting, Groaning .]
Not the elephants! [ Moans .]
- [ Elephant Trumpets .]
- [ Bones Cracking .]
[ Sideshow Bob Groaning .]
[ Groaning Continues .]
[ Swallowing .]
Ahh! Mom, Dad! I saw Sideshow Bob, and he threatened to kill me! - Bart, don't interrupt! - Homer, this is serious.
Oh, it is not.
Roman numeral three: Surprise boy in bed-- [ Slurps .]
and, uh, disembowel him.
No, I don't like that ''bowel'' in there.
Gut him.
Ah, le motjuste.
[ Kisses .]
[ Groaning .]
- [ Loudly .]
Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed? - [ Screams .]
Come on.
Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.
[ Sighs .]
Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now.
I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife.
Why? Oh, right.
The Sideshow Bob thing.
Oh, I'm sorry, boy.
[ Loudly .]
Bart, do you want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask? - [ Screams .]
- Oh, sorry.
What am I thinking? [ Grumbles .]
- [ Door Opens .]
- Hello, Bart.
- Mom! Dad! - Your family can't help you now.
- [ All Grunting .]
- [ Homer Snoring .]
- Oh, no, Dad's been drugged.
- No, he hasn't.
- [ Chomps .]
- Uh-oh.
[ Panting .]
- [ Electrical Charges .]
- Oh! [ Panting .]
- [ Chomps .]
- Oh, yeah.
Well, Bart, any last requests? Well, there is one, but-- - Nah.
- No, go on.
Well, you have such a beautiful voice.
- Guilty as charged.
- Uh-huh.
Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of the H.
M.
S.
Pinafore.
Very well, Bart.
I shall send you to heaven before I send you to hell.
And a-two, and a-three, and-- "We sail the ocean blue " "And our saucy ship's a beauty " "We are sober men and true and attentive to our duty " " I'm called Little Buttercup " " Poor Little Buttercup " "Though I could never tell why " - [ Crunching .]
- "What, never? No, never " "What, never " " Hardly ever He's hardly ever sick at sea " "For he himselfhas said it " "And it's clearly to his credit " "That he is an Englishman " " He remains an E-E-E-En " " Glish " " Man " [ Footsteps Approaching .]
And now the final curtain.
- [ Grunts, Groans .]
- [ Gun Cocks .]
Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob.
You're under arrest.
By Lucifer's beard! Ah, yeah.
It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.
[ Police Radio Chatter .]
I knew I had to buy some time so I asked him to sing the score from the H.
M.
S.
Pinafore.
Ooh, a plan fiendishly clever in its intricacies.
Take him away, boys.
Hey, I'm the chief here.
Bake him away, toys.
- What'd you say, Chief? - Do what the kid says.
- Mm, it's so good to be home again.
- [ Tires Skid .]
- Look what happened without my pills! - [ Gasps .]
Bart, run upstairs! Get Grampa's medicine.
Not so fast.
I wanna court this fair,young maiden.
[ Grampa .]
There's somethin'you should know about me.
[Jasper .]
I've got Steve and Eydie tickets.
[ Grampa .]
I'm all yours.
! [ Kisses .]