The Two Ronnies (1971) s05e02 Episode Script
Series 5, Episode 2
(Applause) Good evening.
It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.
In a packed programme tonight, we shall meet an East End docker, who has retired after 40 years to take a well-earned job.
Then we'll be talking to a man who crossed a Morse-code transmitter with a senna pod and got a dot-dot-dot and a very quick dash.
But first, here is the news.
The pound had another good day yesterday.
It rose sharply at 10:00, had a light breakfast and went for a stroll.
Mr and Mrs Wilson won't be visiting the Scillies this year.
Instead Mr and Mrs Scillie are visiting the Wilsons.
Mr Ernest Waldron, a cattle expert, who spent his whole life examining he back legs of cows, was given a special award today.
Said Mr Walkdon, "This is the first time I've had a pat on the back.
" We've just (Laughter) We've just heard today that British Rail have announced a new service for naughty couples going to Brighton.
The Have-It-Away Day.
But now, a sketch about ghosts and ghouls, in which I get caught by the ghosties And I get caught by surprise.
Shall we? 0ver here.
I think that 0h, hello.
- Hello.
- Hello! (Both laugh) Well Fancy Fancy meeting old old him here.
Just what I was thinking.
Fancy meeting Look who it is! - Who is it? - Er I'm sorry, I haven't introduced you, have I? This is this is this is a terrible old This is a terribly old friend of mine.
And this is, erm, his wife.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- How do you do? - This is This is my wife.
How do you do wife? 0h, sorry, I haven't introduced you to my wife.
The wife.
This is This is his wife.
And this is her husband.
- Hello.
- Husband and wife.
- 0f course, this is my wife.
- Yes.
And I am her husband.
Now we've all met each other, shall we continue enjoying our drinks? Just like old times, isn't it? Eh? It's just like old times, isn't it? Isn't it just? I mean, are you still doing what you were what you were working in before that? Yes, I am, I am, I'm still doing it.
- Are you still doing the same? - No, I've finished.
0h, he's finished.
He's finished finished doing the same.
Yes, well, it was getting a bit much.
0h, I know, far too much.
- And we did have the trouble.
- Yes, we heard.
I was awfully sorry.
Well, actually, we were both very sorry.
What about? Well, about About What about, you say? About the trouble.
- Because we had trouble too.
- Yes? There's a lot of it about.
- What's that, dear? - Trouble, dear.
There's a lot of trouble I was just saying to her husband, - I was just saying to Jere Paul - Peter.
- Peter.
- No, not - Peter Knott.
- No Peter Knott? No, not Peter No, no! No, not Peter.
That's Peter, up there, that's Peter.
- No, that's Jonathon.
- Jonathon, you're confused, dear.
That's Jonathon there.
I'm terrible with names myself.
I'm exactly the same, particularly with people I know awfully well.
I was just saying to to - The wife? - To - The wife? - That's who I was saying it to.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Have you two introduced yourselves? - Introduced ourselves? We we've known each for What, five, ten, 15? - 20 - 20 minutes.
- Months.
- Months! 20 years.
20 years man and boy.
I've known him since he was that high.
Well, that high.
Goodness, we know each other very well.
0h, yes, we were at we were at thing together.
- At thing.
For years.
- Four years, was it? Four years? We were at thing.
Yes, oh - Do you remember old - 0ld thingy? - Yes, in the - In the whatsit.
In the whatsit, yes! And the little - Hoojah? - Hoojah.
We've known each other intimately for years.
You've never met before.
We've never met before, you mean? You mean, never met before? - Never.
- Well Never I suppose we've never met before.
No, not before this.
No, well, I Nonsense! - Nonsense! - Rubbish! What's his name? What's his name? What, him here? That one? What's his name? That's his wife and this is my wife.
And - What's his name? - What, old whatshisname? Er 0h, he's (Mouthing) Larry Gitis.
- Aladdin.
Aladdin? - No, no, not It's Bob and Harry.
0h, you remember Bob and Harry, don't you? You've never met before.
Ever.
Your wives have met before.
- Hello! - I didn't recognise you.
- Darling, look, it's - This is, um No.
And (Laughter) Good evening.
My name is Albert Fossdyke and I want to appeal to you tonight on behalf of a cause which is extremely close to my heart - myself.
I need a lot more money.
And you can help me get it.
Why do I need this money? Because I'm suffering from a very serious complaint.
Laziness.
I am what is known in the medical profession as bone idle.
Now it costs money to run my large, spacious home, Albert Fossdyke House, set in glorious countryside in the Cotswolds.
And recently I've opened another home, the Sunshine Home for Albert Fossdyke on the French Riviera.
Now, it doesn't run itself.
Also, I have a sister establishment, on the Costa Brava, and I've established four sisters in it and they're real belters.
In addition to this, I also have a wife to support.
My very good friend Henry Parkinson's wife.
This very week, I am building, at a cost of several hundred pounds, a new tradesmen's entrance - and that's where you come in.
Now all this costs money, your money.
That's why I'm appealing to you tonight - I just can't make ends meet and frankly, I'm going to the dogs, but I can't win there either.
My health is suffering.
0nly yesterday I had a very unpleasant message from my doctor.
He said, "You have less than a month to live.
" "Unless you marry my daughter.
" That sort of thing can be quite a shock.
Now, two words about cast-off clothing, warm woollens and silver paper - no, thanks.
I have a scheme, which I think you will find much more attractive.
The pound in your pocket is now only worth 69p.
So, you send me the pound notes and I'll send you the 69p.
How will your money be spent? L100 will go straightaway on Harbour Lights in the 2:30 at Ascot.
And as little as L50 a week will keep me in lobsters the whole week.
So, please, send your contributions, however large, to this address: The Albert Fossdyke Appeal For Albert Fossdyke, care of Her Majesty The Queen, Wandsworth Prison.
England, 1898.
A city shrouded in fog.
Somewhere within the labyrinths of its narrow streets lurked a madman, ready to bring discomfort and disgust to respectable citizens throughout the city.
Already, the Prime Minister's butler had suffered a terrifying attack.
(Man blows raspberry) Help! I've never been so 0hhh! Our hero, Inspector Corner of the Yard, and the tireless and loyal Sergeant Bowles, prepared to pit their wits pitilessly against the phantom.
Where will he strike next? At this point, a pattern began to emerge.
Three nights later, at Great Bardlings, Woodstock, the country house of Lady Penelope Berkley-Hunt, whose ancient family was seventh in line of succession to the throne was the next link in a chain of horror.
The manor, a treasure house of heirlooms, was guarded by her ladyship's private police force.
It was getting on for midnight and Lady Penelope was being entertained by her pantry man, Heathcliff.
- James, is the silver locked away? - Yes, m'Lady.
- Is that cat out? - 0h, yes, m'Lady.
0ut like a light.
Very well, James.
Has anyone ever told you that you are very attractive? No, m'Lady.
I'm not surprised.
You're repulsive.
Still, it's a lonely life since I lost my little Podgy.
0h, I think you exaggerate, m'Lady.
You've still got quite a lot of podgy in my opinion.
Thank you, James.
Will that be all, m'Lady? No, James.
(Sighs) Very good, m'Lady.
- The same as usual? - The same as usual, James.
(Penelope) 0h! 0h, the candle, James, the candle! (Penelope) Who are you? (Blows raspberry) (Penelope's voice) What's happened, m'Lady? (James's voice) It must be the shock.
Quick, call a witch doctor! Her ladyship's private police force worked tirelessly through the night, questioning suspicious characters.
'Ere, I want a word with you! (Blows raspberry) 'Ere, I want a word with you! (Raspberry) I want a word with you! (Raspberry) I want a word with you! The search went on into the night.
- (Raspberry) - 'Ere, I want a word with you! (Raspberry) - (Raspberry) - 'Ere, I want a word with you! (Raspberry) Meanwhile, back in Scotland Yard, Inspector Corner sat thinking in the comfort of his own office.
I was wrong, Bowles.
He did strike again.
And a person of royal blood.
Can't believe it.
It's all so pointless.
0h, sorry, sir.
"The shock of the attack turned her Ladyship's hair white "and her face black.
"For the time being, she is being held as an illegal immigrant.
" (Munching) (Munching stops) To work, Bowles.
Let's go through the sequence of events in order.
- Go through the facts, one at a time.
- (# Ditty on piano) - Eyeing things up, looking for clues.
- (# Ditty on piano) (To piano accompaniment) First, take the scene at Number 10.
The butler answered the door, when the attacker produced his card, he collapsed upon the floor.
When the assailant left, he made a most peculiar noise.
He shocked a duchess, a man on crutches, and three small boys.
Next, Lady P Berkley-Hunt.
- Terrible thing.
- '0rrible stunt! There was Her Ladyship in bed with nothing at all on her mind, in rushed a terrible creature and attacked her from behind.
- Disgusting! - She got a fright, her hair turned white and her face, a very dark grey.
The pantry man Jim, what happened to him? His ardour faded away.
Jealousy could have been the motive.
Could be a solution.
- But if Big Jim's jilted him - He's seeking retribution.
Now all we do is find someone who fits the plan.
Someone who fancies a tall brunette and a big, fat man! Once again, the great British police force relentlessly pursued their prey.
In completely the wrong direction.
One mile from Scotland Yard, in the Houses of Parliament, Mr Disraeli was having a stormy passage with the opposition at Question Time.
I tell you, Mr Gladstone, I can buy the Suez Canal for you wholesale.
And believe me, I say I'll get it, I'll get it.
What about the prostitution bill? Pay, it, sir, pay it.
Next question? What is brown, steams and comes out of cows backwards? I don't know.
What is brown, steams and comes out of cows backwards? The Isle 0f Wight ferry! All right, Mr Churchill.
If that's the way you want to play it, all I can say is (Raspberry) 0h, my wallet.
- Hooray! Murrell's out! - Get yer hair cut! (Raspberry) (Big Ben Chimes) (Raspberry) Once again, the Phantom has struck.
Once again, at someone in the public eye.
Respectability was being shattered all over the city.
Who would be next to receive a full-frontal blast? Who would be next to be exposed to the outrages of the Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town? Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dickson.
# You're the one with the eyes that could capture my soul # But you just want a heart to borrow # Will you love me forever? You say that you will # But I know that you won't tomorrow # Cos I've read the book # And I'll never look for fairy tales again # You know I'm out of love with love # It's the one thing I'm tired of thinking of # I've heard enough of the meaning of love # It don't mean a thing when you lose # I've learned how to play and there's nothing to say # But goodbye to my rainy days # I'm out of love with love # 0ooh-oooh # In a moment of madness a man can say words # That can hurt you forever after # 0nce it happened to me but I'm over it now # And I'm trading the tears for laughter # Now I see the signs and the guiding lines # I won't get lost again # You know I'm out of love with love # It's the one thing I'm tired of thinking of # I've heard enough of the meaning of love # It don't mean a thing when you lose # I've learned how to play and there's nothing to say # But goodbye to my rainy days # I'm out of love with love # 0oh-oooh # 0oh-oooh # Now I see the signs and the guiding lines # I won't get lost again # You know I'm out of love with love # It's the one thing I'm tired of thinking of # I've heard enough of the meaning of love # It don't mean a thing when you lose # I've learned how to play and there's nothing to say # It's goodbye to my rainy days # I'm out of love with love # Whoaa-ooohh # 0ut of love with love # Ahhh-ahhhh # 0ut of love with love # Ahhh-ahhhh # 0ut of love with love # Ahhh-ahhhh # 0ut of love with love # (Applause) Now here is the late news.
Police are clamping down on dealers who make fortunes selling stolen cars which have been sawn in half and welded to other vehicles, said Superintendent Hackett from the wheel of his E-type combine harvester.
News from Hollywood.
Zsa Zsa Gábor has announced that, owing to illness, she has cancelled all her engagements for three months.
But her marriages will go ahead as planned.
The president of the Wine Tasters' Association today paid tribute to their retiring secretary Mrs Prudence Vine.
He described her as plucky and full bodied and well worth laying down for a couple of years.
Later tonight, we interview a very sexy interior decorator and his wife who fall out of bed every night because they prefer a matt finish.
But now, a sketch featuring Ronnie Corbett, who in fact buys all his suits off the peg at any shop selling Action Man.
Good evening.
Tonight in Getaway we're looking at holidays in Britain through the eyes of an Austrian family over here for their first trip abroad.
And our holiday resort this week is Slough, a few miles west of London.
Now, a holiday in Slough can cost you anything from 65 to L320, depending on what you're looking for.
And also, of course, on whether you find it or not.
Jack Weston reports.
Slough can be, and often is, described as the back end of beyond and it was for this reason that our Austrian family, Mr and Mrs Daffburger, their daughter Mitzy and Mrs Daffburger's brother Frugal, chose it from the travel brochure.
They eventually chose two weeks at the Acme fish-and-chip shop in the high street, which cost L110 each for the fortnight.
This holiday is about the middle price range.
Before settling on this, they tried two others.
One at the top price of over L300 in Large Avenue.
This price, of course, L300, was all found.
And she looks as if she knows where to find it.
Unfortunately, she only had room for two.
The second alternative was the cheapest in the range, across the road.
0i! Come on in, come on in.
This one worked out at only L3.
25 for the night with an evening meal thrown in.
Slough offers a lot in the way of sightseeing.
This gasworks, for instance, which is in the way of everything.
But for a few pence, you can pick up a kindly old guide who will show you the town.
There are many traditions and ceremonies to be witnessed, such as closing time at the pub on Sunday lunch times.
Traditional British crafts are always of interest, such as road sweeping.
Here is an example of how poverty and riches live together side by side.
And the respect they have for each other.
The Daffburgers are very fond of mountain sports and Frugal was determined to pursue his favourite pastime during his fortnight stay.
Souvenir shopping is always a must for the Daffburgers and there are many British curios to be found in the quaint little shops scattered along the winding main street.
The whole family seem pleased with their purchases.
Mitzy, as you see, has got a pair of wonderful bed-warmers.
And Frugal, something he has always wanted.
And finally, nightlife.
Why not dine al fresco at one of the attractive local night watchmen's huts? Its gay striped awning and its welcoming charcoal barbecue which burns through the night and provides a charming setting for your evening meal.
Traditional fare of doorstep sandwiches and stewed tea are provided and these night spots are generously subsidised by your local council.
Some sort of cabaret is usually available, though this may be at irregular times.
Don't expect to see a great spectacle like the Changing of the Guard.
In Slough, the best you're likely to get is the changing of the drawers.
Well, there you have it.
Two weeks in Slough - looks good.
Finally tonight, the result of our competition.
The trip that viewers have voted the trip of the year.
Funnily enough, it's Downing Street.
Good night.
Thank you.
This evening, I'd like, if I may, to tell you a story, about a chap who was cast ashore on a desert island.
Now By the way, this is not the one about the two Irishmen on a desert island, you know.
Who found a lifeboat and broke it up to make a raft.
It's not that one.
I'm glad it's not that one really because that's a bit ridiculous.
This is actually about a chap who was a passenger on a flight to New York.
And when they started the film, he'd seen it before on the telly, and he was so disgusted, he got up and walked out.
As soon as he lands in the water, he realises what he's done and he gets very depressed.
"Bless my soul," he said.
And "Help!" But the people in the aeroplane, they can't hear him.
They're all watching Doris Day and drinking their duty frees, shouting, "Shut that door!" So So there he is, being tossed about by the waves Sorry, that reminds me, a little wave, if I may, to Mum and Dad.
I like to do that cos my mother still thinks of me as a wee baby.
She does.
Well, let's face it, I was a wee baby.
I spent the first two years of my life on a charm bracelet.
Now that's not exactly true, but if I told you the truth, you'd never believe me.
And she's very proud of me.
Just as I was leaving tonight, she looked at me, her face was radiant and her eyes were shining I don't know what she's taking, but I wish I could get some of it.
And she turned to my dad, who was sewing a button on his hat Well, he's had a lot of worry lately.
And she said, "Tie, Tie" She calls him Tie.
Short for Titanic cos she thinks he's a bloomin' disaster.
She said, "Tie, can this be the same little boy who sang "It's My Mother's Birthday Today and won the talent contest "at the 0ld Holborn Empire all those years ago?" And he said, "No, that was Max Bygraves.
" But I digress.
And our hero - you remember, the chap who walked out on Doris Day - he has found himself cast ashore on this desert island.
15 years later, he's sitting on the beach all alone, nothing but sand and the sea and the sky.
Sounds like a summer season at Cleethorpes actually.
Makes you wonder what he lived on for 15 years.
Credit, I suppose, like the rest of us.
So one day, he's sitting there on the beach with nothing but his roughly hewn bucket and spade, his eight gramophone records waiting for the tide to come in and fill his little moat.
Suddenly, out of the sea, there appeared an apparition.
And he was very frightened as it flapped its way up the beach towards him.
"My God," he said, "It's Ronnie Corbett's wife!" No, no No, he didn't, no, he didn't say that at all.
I just put that in.
I must, I really must stop saying nasty things about my wife Anne.
Especially as today is our anniversary.
It's just 12 years ago today when she said, "I do.
" Certainly surprised me because I didn't think she did.
Anyway Anyway, when it gets nearer When it gets nearer I'm very glad she did.
When it gets nearer When it gets nearer, the apparition turns out to be a beautiful girl wearing a wetsuit, snorkel and flippers.
She removes the snorkel and says, (French accent) "Hello," she says.
"What are you doing here?" He said, "Well, actually, I'm a castaway.
" He got very humble about that.
He said, "I'm a castaway on this desert island.
" And she said, "0h, you poor man.
Tut-tut-tut! "Well, I never! Fancy that! Huh-huh-huh! "Huh-huh, dog my cats.
" She didn't say that four times, but I like saying it.
Huh-huh-huh.
"Dog my cats, you poor man! "How long is it since you had a cigarette?" He said, "Well, actually, it's about 15 years.
"And I'm seriously thinking of giving it up.
"Starting tomorrow.
" Whereupon, she unzips a pocket of her wetsuit She's a very big girl.
Anyway and produced a packet of cigarettes.
He was overwhelmed.
"I'm overwhelmed," he said.
I told you he was overwhelmed.
And she said, "Buster, you have seen nothing yet, the best is yet to come.
"How long since you have a drinky-winky?" She unzips the other pocket, produces a flask You're making up your own story.
She produces a flask of his favourite whisky.
A tear sprung to this eye.
Did I tell you he only had one eye? Doesn't matter, you know.
Well, it matters to him, but it doesn't matter to us.
"This is marvellous "This is marvellous," he said, "I haven't had a drink or a cigarette in 15 years.
" Then she started slowly unzipping the front of her wetsuit.
She says, "How long is it since you played around?" He said, "Good heavens! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there.
" (Applause) Ladies and gentlemen, Nana Moussaka.
(Applause) Good evening, everybody.
It's wonderful to be back on television again.
I have only been away for a few months, but I am so glad to find you all sitting here.
You are very patient.
Thank you.
My friends in the band are glad to be back also.
They are a very friendly group of boys.
I am friendly with all of them.
0ne at a time, of course.
The first song I would like to sing for you tonight is a story all about a young boy who works in a fairground, who is very sad because no one will visit his stall.
All the gay young men walk past with their friends and patronise the swings and the roundabouts and the hoopla stalls.
But none of them seem to want to throw things at his coconuts.
And he cries out to them, "Why you not want my coconuts? "They are big and hairy and rounded.
"Like a young Greek warrior's arms.
"Some of them are as big as my head and others aren't.
"Look at them as they stand there all in a row.
Aren't they lovely? "All they need is a flick of the wrist and they will be yours.
" The song is called Stormy Weather.
But before I sing it, let me introduce my special guest this evening, a Frenchman who has delighted so many ladies all over the world, by his performance, and I'm sure he will be doing the same tonight.
But before that, he's agreed to come on this programme and sing to us.
Ladies and gentlemen, Charles Azenough.
(French accent) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
My dear Nana, it is wonderful to be here.
Where are we? - At the BBC in London, Charles.
- 0f course.
You must understand I am in the middle of a lightning world tour.
I do not know whether I'm on my head or my heels.
I thought you were on your knees.
Naughty, huh! You must know, Nana, it is quality, not quantity that counts.
As this world tour proves, a little can go a long way.
0hh! Yes, I've been warned about you.
You think I make love behind your back? If you do and I get to hear about it, there will be trouble.
No, we are only joking, ladies and gentlemen.
Charles, what are you going to sing for us tonight? I'm going to sing a little song called Love Goes 0ver My Head.
# As I travel through life in my search for a wife l#I am on the lookout for a small one # But of all the sweet girls that I meet in this world # Why do I always fall for the tall one? # It is not that I'm shy I can always get by # When I'm telling a girl how my heart is # But I soon lose my cool cos you feel such a fool # When you take a stepladder to parties # Yes, it has to be said # Though I long to be wed # Love goes over my head # In a small crowded bar I met Fifi Lamar # And her eyes held a promise of heaven # But when she left her seat and she rose to her feet # I found she was six foot eleven # But we walked through the town with rain pouring down # And I knew it would ruin my hair # I had just set but it didn't get wet # Cos I sheltered beneath her brassiere # Yes, it has to be said it was just like a shed # It went over my head # You may say it's fate, that I exaggerate # When I say love's above and beyond me # In this show business world I meet all kinds of girls # I have glamour and love thrust upon me # And then after the show there are girls that will go # Somewhat further perhaps than they ought to # It's no good, I have tried # When we lie side by side # It's just that I've got no one to talk to # Even when I'm in bed, yes, it has to be said # Love goes over my head # Love goes over my head # (Applause) Thank you.
Thank you, Charles, that was delightful.
And now I'd like to sing for you a medley of well-known English songs, translated into Greek for me by my agent, Takis Tenpercentame.
But for those of you who don't understand Greek, translated back into English by my good friend Michael Copaloadathis.
Daisy, Daisy.
Home 0n The Range.
(Sings to the tune of Pop Goes The Wesal) Bye-Bye Blackbird.
# Blackbird, bye-bye # (Applause) Thank you so much.
Now it is time to leave.
Charles, let us sing together before we go.
- Have you enjoyed it? - It's wonderful.
(Cancan tune plays) # It's so nice to come along from the land where we belong # And if you sing a foreign so then no one knows when you go wrong # Dance with me in Zorba's Dance # You might fall and ruin your chance # If I do, I fall on you, my little shock absorber # Na-na, na-na! You're so very Greek to me # La-la, la-la! You look very weak to me # 0h, I love Greece! Axle grease and candle grease # You're so dainty! Want you for my mantelpiece # You gorgeous little Frenchman, will you be my henchman? # Well, it all depends what you want henching # I love your Gallic manners, wish that you were Nana's # I will take you home and have you stuffed # No, that is not for me, chérie, I can't agree, chérie # I find that things would get on top of me # But I'm glad to be invited # I am quite delighted to have you on the show # And now I really think it's time for us to go # Let us embrace each other now we have to part # And let me clasp you to my heart # 0hh! 0h, I felt a proper Charlie.
And I felt a right Nana, I tell you! - Good night! - Good night! (Applause) Fantastic.
Ah, fantastic! That's all for this week.
Next week, we shall be talking about resignations by top cabinet ministers.
Why haven't there been any? And we'll be running a competition in Blackpool.
Eddie Waring will be buried in sand.
And the first kiddie to dig him up will get a thick ear.
So, it's good night from me.
And it's good night from him.
Good night.
It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.
In a packed programme tonight, we shall meet an East End docker, who has retired after 40 years to take a well-earned job.
Then we'll be talking to a man who crossed a Morse-code transmitter with a senna pod and got a dot-dot-dot and a very quick dash.
But first, here is the news.
The pound had another good day yesterday.
It rose sharply at 10:00, had a light breakfast and went for a stroll.
Mr and Mrs Wilson won't be visiting the Scillies this year.
Instead Mr and Mrs Scillie are visiting the Wilsons.
Mr Ernest Waldron, a cattle expert, who spent his whole life examining he back legs of cows, was given a special award today.
Said Mr Walkdon, "This is the first time I've had a pat on the back.
" We've just (Laughter) We've just heard today that British Rail have announced a new service for naughty couples going to Brighton.
The Have-It-Away Day.
But now, a sketch about ghosts and ghouls, in which I get caught by the ghosties And I get caught by surprise.
Shall we? 0ver here.
I think that 0h, hello.
- Hello.
- Hello! (Both laugh) Well Fancy Fancy meeting old old him here.
Just what I was thinking.
Fancy meeting Look who it is! - Who is it? - Er I'm sorry, I haven't introduced you, have I? This is this is this is a terrible old This is a terribly old friend of mine.
And this is, erm, his wife.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- How do you do? - This is This is my wife.
How do you do wife? 0h, sorry, I haven't introduced you to my wife.
The wife.
This is This is his wife.
And this is her husband.
- Hello.
- Husband and wife.
- 0f course, this is my wife.
- Yes.
And I am her husband.
Now we've all met each other, shall we continue enjoying our drinks? Just like old times, isn't it? Eh? It's just like old times, isn't it? Isn't it just? I mean, are you still doing what you were what you were working in before that? Yes, I am, I am, I'm still doing it.
- Are you still doing the same? - No, I've finished.
0h, he's finished.
He's finished finished doing the same.
Yes, well, it was getting a bit much.
0h, I know, far too much.
- And we did have the trouble.
- Yes, we heard.
I was awfully sorry.
Well, actually, we were both very sorry.
What about? Well, about About What about, you say? About the trouble.
- Because we had trouble too.
- Yes? There's a lot of it about.
- What's that, dear? - Trouble, dear.
There's a lot of trouble I was just saying to her husband, - I was just saying to Jere Paul - Peter.
- Peter.
- No, not - Peter Knott.
- No Peter Knott? No, not Peter No, no! No, not Peter.
That's Peter, up there, that's Peter.
- No, that's Jonathon.
- Jonathon, you're confused, dear.
That's Jonathon there.
I'm terrible with names myself.
I'm exactly the same, particularly with people I know awfully well.
I was just saying to to - The wife? - To - The wife? - That's who I was saying it to.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Have you two introduced yourselves? - Introduced ourselves? We we've known each for What, five, ten, 15? - 20 - 20 minutes.
- Months.
- Months! 20 years.
20 years man and boy.
I've known him since he was that high.
Well, that high.
Goodness, we know each other very well.
0h, yes, we were at we were at thing together.
- At thing.
For years.
- Four years, was it? Four years? We were at thing.
Yes, oh - Do you remember old - 0ld thingy? - Yes, in the - In the whatsit.
In the whatsit, yes! And the little - Hoojah? - Hoojah.
We've known each other intimately for years.
You've never met before.
We've never met before, you mean? You mean, never met before? - Never.
- Well Never I suppose we've never met before.
No, not before this.
No, well, I Nonsense! - Nonsense! - Rubbish! What's his name? What's his name? What, him here? That one? What's his name? That's his wife and this is my wife.
And - What's his name? - What, old whatshisname? Er 0h, he's (Mouthing) Larry Gitis.
- Aladdin.
Aladdin? - No, no, not It's Bob and Harry.
0h, you remember Bob and Harry, don't you? You've never met before.
Ever.
Your wives have met before.
- Hello! - I didn't recognise you.
- Darling, look, it's - This is, um No.
And (Laughter) Good evening.
My name is Albert Fossdyke and I want to appeal to you tonight on behalf of a cause which is extremely close to my heart - myself.
I need a lot more money.
And you can help me get it.
Why do I need this money? Because I'm suffering from a very serious complaint.
Laziness.
I am what is known in the medical profession as bone idle.
Now it costs money to run my large, spacious home, Albert Fossdyke House, set in glorious countryside in the Cotswolds.
And recently I've opened another home, the Sunshine Home for Albert Fossdyke on the French Riviera.
Now, it doesn't run itself.
Also, I have a sister establishment, on the Costa Brava, and I've established four sisters in it and they're real belters.
In addition to this, I also have a wife to support.
My very good friend Henry Parkinson's wife.
This very week, I am building, at a cost of several hundred pounds, a new tradesmen's entrance - and that's where you come in.
Now all this costs money, your money.
That's why I'm appealing to you tonight - I just can't make ends meet and frankly, I'm going to the dogs, but I can't win there either.
My health is suffering.
0nly yesterday I had a very unpleasant message from my doctor.
He said, "You have less than a month to live.
" "Unless you marry my daughter.
" That sort of thing can be quite a shock.
Now, two words about cast-off clothing, warm woollens and silver paper - no, thanks.
I have a scheme, which I think you will find much more attractive.
The pound in your pocket is now only worth 69p.
So, you send me the pound notes and I'll send you the 69p.
How will your money be spent? L100 will go straightaway on Harbour Lights in the 2:30 at Ascot.
And as little as L50 a week will keep me in lobsters the whole week.
So, please, send your contributions, however large, to this address: The Albert Fossdyke Appeal For Albert Fossdyke, care of Her Majesty The Queen, Wandsworth Prison.
England, 1898.
A city shrouded in fog.
Somewhere within the labyrinths of its narrow streets lurked a madman, ready to bring discomfort and disgust to respectable citizens throughout the city.
Already, the Prime Minister's butler had suffered a terrifying attack.
(Man blows raspberry) Help! I've never been so 0hhh! Our hero, Inspector Corner of the Yard, and the tireless and loyal Sergeant Bowles, prepared to pit their wits pitilessly against the phantom.
Where will he strike next? At this point, a pattern began to emerge.
Three nights later, at Great Bardlings, Woodstock, the country house of Lady Penelope Berkley-Hunt, whose ancient family was seventh in line of succession to the throne was the next link in a chain of horror.
The manor, a treasure house of heirlooms, was guarded by her ladyship's private police force.
It was getting on for midnight and Lady Penelope was being entertained by her pantry man, Heathcliff.
- James, is the silver locked away? - Yes, m'Lady.
- Is that cat out? - 0h, yes, m'Lady.
0ut like a light.
Very well, James.
Has anyone ever told you that you are very attractive? No, m'Lady.
I'm not surprised.
You're repulsive.
Still, it's a lonely life since I lost my little Podgy.
0h, I think you exaggerate, m'Lady.
You've still got quite a lot of podgy in my opinion.
Thank you, James.
Will that be all, m'Lady? No, James.
(Sighs) Very good, m'Lady.
- The same as usual? - The same as usual, James.
(Penelope) 0h! 0h, the candle, James, the candle! (Penelope) Who are you? (Blows raspberry) (Penelope's voice) What's happened, m'Lady? (James's voice) It must be the shock.
Quick, call a witch doctor! Her ladyship's private police force worked tirelessly through the night, questioning suspicious characters.
'Ere, I want a word with you! (Blows raspberry) 'Ere, I want a word with you! (Raspberry) I want a word with you! (Raspberry) I want a word with you! The search went on into the night.
- (Raspberry) - 'Ere, I want a word with you! (Raspberry) - (Raspberry) - 'Ere, I want a word with you! (Raspberry) Meanwhile, back in Scotland Yard, Inspector Corner sat thinking in the comfort of his own office.
I was wrong, Bowles.
He did strike again.
And a person of royal blood.
Can't believe it.
It's all so pointless.
0h, sorry, sir.
"The shock of the attack turned her Ladyship's hair white "and her face black.
"For the time being, she is being held as an illegal immigrant.
" (Munching) (Munching stops) To work, Bowles.
Let's go through the sequence of events in order.
- Go through the facts, one at a time.
- (# Ditty on piano) - Eyeing things up, looking for clues.
- (# Ditty on piano) (To piano accompaniment) First, take the scene at Number 10.
The butler answered the door, when the attacker produced his card, he collapsed upon the floor.
When the assailant left, he made a most peculiar noise.
He shocked a duchess, a man on crutches, and three small boys.
Next, Lady P Berkley-Hunt.
- Terrible thing.
- '0rrible stunt! There was Her Ladyship in bed with nothing at all on her mind, in rushed a terrible creature and attacked her from behind.
- Disgusting! - She got a fright, her hair turned white and her face, a very dark grey.
The pantry man Jim, what happened to him? His ardour faded away.
Jealousy could have been the motive.
Could be a solution.
- But if Big Jim's jilted him - He's seeking retribution.
Now all we do is find someone who fits the plan.
Someone who fancies a tall brunette and a big, fat man! Once again, the great British police force relentlessly pursued their prey.
In completely the wrong direction.
One mile from Scotland Yard, in the Houses of Parliament, Mr Disraeli was having a stormy passage with the opposition at Question Time.
I tell you, Mr Gladstone, I can buy the Suez Canal for you wholesale.
And believe me, I say I'll get it, I'll get it.
What about the prostitution bill? Pay, it, sir, pay it.
Next question? What is brown, steams and comes out of cows backwards? I don't know.
What is brown, steams and comes out of cows backwards? The Isle 0f Wight ferry! All right, Mr Churchill.
If that's the way you want to play it, all I can say is (Raspberry) 0h, my wallet.
- Hooray! Murrell's out! - Get yer hair cut! (Raspberry) (Big Ben Chimes) (Raspberry) Once again, the Phantom has struck.
Once again, at someone in the public eye.
Respectability was being shattered all over the city.
Who would be next to receive a full-frontal blast? Who would be next to be exposed to the outrages of the Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town? Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dickson.
# You're the one with the eyes that could capture my soul # But you just want a heart to borrow # Will you love me forever? You say that you will # But I know that you won't tomorrow # Cos I've read the book # And I'll never look for fairy tales again # You know I'm out of love with love # It's the one thing I'm tired of thinking of # I've heard enough of the meaning of love # It don't mean a thing when you lose # I've learned how to play and there's nothing to say # But goodbye to my rainy days # I'm out of love with love # 0ooh-oooh # In a moment of madness a man can say words # That can hurt you forever after # 0nce it happened to me but I'm over it now # And I'm trading the tears for laughter # Now I see the signs and the guiding lines # I won't get lost again # You know I'm out of love with love # It's the one thing I'm tired of thinking of # I've heard enough of the meaning of love # It don't mean a thing when you lose # I've learned how to play and there's nothing to say # But goodbye to my rainy days # I'm out of love with love # 0oh-oooh # 0oh-oooh # Now I see the signs and the guiding lines # I won't get lost again # You know I'm out of love with love # It's the one thing I'm tired of thinking of # I've heard enough of the meaning of love # It don't mean a thing when you lose # I've learned how to play and there's nothing to say # It's goodbye to my rainy days # I'm out of love with love # Whoaa-ooohh # 0ut of love with love # Ahhh-ahhhh # 0ut of love with love # Ahhh-ahhhh # 0ut of love with love # Ahhh-ahhhh # 0ut of love with love # (Applause) Now here is the late news.
Police are clamping down on dealers who make fortunes selling stolen cars which have been sawn in half and welded to other vehicles, said Superintendent Hackett from the wheel of his E-type combine harvester.
News from Hollywood.
Zsa Zsa Gábor has announced that, owing to illness, she has cancelled all her engagements for three months.
But her marriages will go ahead as planned.
The president of the Wine Tasters' Association today paid tribute to their retiring secretary Mrs Prudence Vine.
He described her as plucky and full bodied and well worth laying down for a couple of years.
Later tonight, we interview a very sexy interior decorator and his wife who fall out of bed every night because they prefer a matt finish.
But now, a sketch featuring Ronnie Corbett, who in fact buys all his suits off the peg at any shop selling Action Man.
Good evening.
Tonight in Getaway we're looking at holidays in Britain through the eyes of an Austrian family over here for their first trip abroad.
And our holiday resort this week is Slough, a few miles west of London.
Now, a holiday in Slough can cost you anything from 65 to L320, depending on what you're looking for.
And also, of course, on whether you find it or not.
Jack Weston reports.
Slough can be, and often is, described as the back end of beyond and it was for this reason that our Austrian family, Mr and Mrs Daffburger, their daughter Mitzy and Mrs Daffburger's brother Frugal, chose it from the travel brochure.
They eventually chose two weeks at the Acme fish-and-chip shop in the high street, which cost L110 each for the fortnight.
This holiday is about the middle price range.
Before settling on this, they tried two others.
One at the top price of over L300 in Large Avenue.
This price, of course, L300, was all found.
And she looks as if she knows where to find it.
Unfortunately, she only had room for two.
The second alternative was the cheapest in the range, across the road.
0i! Come on in, come on in.
This one worked out at only L3.
25 for the night with an evening meal thrown in.
Slough offers a lot in the way of sightseeing.
This gasworks, for instance, which is in the way of everything.
But for a few pence, you can pick up a kindly old guide who will show you the town.
There are many traditions and ceremonies to be witnessed, such as closing time at the pub on Sunday lunch times.
Traditional British crafts are always of interest, such as road sweeping.
Here is an example of how poverty and riches live together side by side.
And the respect they have for each other.
The Daffburgers are very fond of mountain sports and Frugal was determined to pursue his favourite pastime during his fortnight stay.
Souvenir shopping is always a must for the Daffburgers and there are many British curios to be found in the quaint little shops scattered along the winding main street.
The whole family seem pleased with their purchases.
Mitzy, as you see, has got a pair of wonderful bed-warmers.
And Frugal, something he has always wanted.
And finally, nightlife.
Why not dine al fresco at one of the attractive local night watchmen's huts? Its gay striped awning and its welcoming charcoal barbecue which burns through the night and provides a charming setting for your evening meal.
Traditional fare of doorstep sandwiches and stewed tea are provided and these night spots are generously subsidised by your local council.
Some sort of cabaret is usually available, though this may be at irregular times.
Don't expect to see a great spectacle like the Changing of the Guard.
In Slough, the best you're likely to get is the changing of the drawers.
Well, there you have it.
Two weeks in Slough - looks good.
Finally tonight, the result of our competition.
The trip that viewers have voted the trip of the year.
Funnily enough, it's Downing Street.
Good night.
Thank you.
This evening, I'd like, if I may, to tell you a story, about a chap who was cast ashore on a desert island.
Now By the way, this is not the one about the two Irishmen on a desert island, you know.
Who found a lifeboat and broke it up to make a raft.
It's not that one.
I'm glad it's not that one really because that's a bit ridiculous.
This is actually about a chap who was a passenger on a flight to New York.
And when they started the film, he'd seen it before on the telly, and he was so disgusted, he got up and walked out.
As soon as he lands in the water, he realises what he's done and he gets very depressed.
"Bless my soul," he said.
And "Help!" But the people in the aeroplane, they can't hear him.
They're all watching Doris Day and drinking their duty frees, shouting, "Shut that door!" So So there he is, being tossed about by the waves Sorry, that reminds me, a little wave, if I may, to Mum and Dad.
I like to do that cos my mother still thinks of me as a wee baby.
She does.
Well, let's face it, I was a wee baby.
I spent the first two years of my life on a charm bracelet.
Now that's not exactly true, but if I told you the truth, you'd never believe me.
And she's very proud of me.
Just as I was leaving tonight, she looked at me, her face was radiant and her eyes were shining I don't know what she's taking, but I wish I could get some of it.
And she turned to my dad, who was sewing a button on his hat Well, he's had a lot of worry lately.
And she said, "Tie, Tie" She calls him Tie.
Short for Titanic cos she thinks he's a bloomin' disaster.
She said, "Tie, can this be the same little boy who sang "It's My Mother's Birthday Today and won the talent contest "at the 0ld Holborn Empire all those years ago?" And he said, "No, that was Max Bygraves.
" But I digress.
And our hero - you remember, the chap who walked out on Doris Day - he has found himself cast ashore on this desert island.
15 years later, he's sitting on the beach all alone, nothing but sand and the sea and the sky.
Sounds like a summer season at Cleethorpes actually.
Makes you wonder what he lived on for 15 years.
Credit, I suppose, like the rest of us.
So one day, he's sitting there on the beach with nothing but his roughly hewn bucket and spade, his eight gramophone records waiting for the tide to come in and fill his little moat.
Suddenly, out of the sea, there appeared an apparition.
And he was very frightened as it flapped its way up the beach towards him.
"My God," he said, "It's Ronnie Corbett's wife!" No, no No, he didn't, no, he didn't say that at all.
I just put that in.
I must, I really must stop saying nasty things about my wife Anne.
Especially as today is our anniversary.
It's just 12 years ago today when she said, "I do.
" Certainly surprised me because I didn't think she did.
Anyway Anyway, when it gets nearer When it gets nearer I'm very glad she did.
When it gets nearer When it gets nearer, the apparition turns out to be a beautiful girl wearing a wetsuit, snorkel and flippers.
She removes the snorkel and says, (French accent) "Hello," she says.
"What are you doing here?" He said, "Well, actually, I'm a castaway.
" He got very humble about that.
He said, "I'm a castaway on this desert island.
" And she said, "0h, you poor man.
Tut-tut-tut! "Well, I never! Fancy that! Huh-huh-huh! "Huh-huh, dog my cats.
" She didn't say that four times, but I like saying it.
Huh-huh-huh.
"Dog my cats, you poor man! "How long is it since you had a cigarette?" He said, "Well, actually, it's about 15 years.
"And I'm seriously thinking of giving it up.
"Starting tomorrow.
" Whereupon, she unzips a pocket of her wetsuit She's a very big girl.
Anyway and produced a packet of cigarettes.
He was overwhelmed.
"I'm overwhelmed," he said.
I told you he was overwhelmed.
And she said, "Buster, you have seen nothing yet, the best is yet to come.
"How long since you have a drinky-winky?" She unzips the other pocket, produces a flask You're making up your own story.
She produces a flask of his favourite whisky.
A tear sprung to this eye.
Did I tell you he only had one eye? Doesn't matter, you know.
Well, it matters to him, but it doesn't matter to us.
"This is marvellous "This is marvellous," he said, "I haven't had a drink or a cigarette in 15 years.
" Then she started slowly unzipping the front of her wetsuit.
She says, "How long is it since you played around?" He said, "Good heavens! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there.
" (Applause) Ladies and gentlemen, Nana Moussaka.
(Applause) Good evening, everybody.
It's wonderful to be back on television again.
I have only been away for a few months, but I am so glad to find you all sitting here.
You are very patient.
Thank you.
My friends in the band are glad to be back also.
They are a very friendly group of boys.
I am friendly with all of them.
0ne at a time, of course.
The first song I would like to sing for you tonight is a story all about a young boy who works in a fairground, who is very sad because no one will visit his stall.
All the gay young men walk past with their friends and patronise the swings and the roundabouts and the hoopla stalls.
But none of them seem to want to throw things at his coconuts.
And he cries out to them, "Why you not want my coconuts? "They are big and hairy and rounded.
"Like a young Greek warrior's arms.
"Some of them are as big as my head and others aren't.
"Look at them as they stand there all in a row.
Aren't they lovely? "All they need is a flick of the wrist and they will be yours.
" The song is called Stormy Weather.
But before I sing it, let me introduce my special guest this evening, a Frenchman who has delighted so many ladies all over the world, by his performance, and I'm sure he will be doing the same tonight.
But before that, he's agreed to come on this programme and sing to us.
Ladies and gentlemen, Charles Azenough.
(French accent) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
My dear Nana, it is wonderful to be here.
Where are we? - At the BBC in London, Charles.
- 0f course.
You must understand I am in the middle of a lightning world tour.
I do not know whether I'm on my head or my heels.
I thought you were on your knees.
Naughty, huh! You must know, Nana, it is quality, not quantity that counts.
As this world tour proves, a little can go a long way.
0hh! Yes, I've been warned about you.
You think I make love behind your back? If you do and I get to hear about it, there will be trouble.
No, we are only joking, ladies and gentlemen.
Charles, what are you going to sing for us tonight? I'm going to sing a little song called Love Goes 0ver My Head.
# As I travel through life in my search for a wife l#I am on the lookout for a small one # But of all the sweet girls that I meet in this world # Why do I always fall for the tall one? # It is not that I'm shy I can always get by # When I'm telling a girl how my heart is # But I soon lose my cool cos you feel such a fool # When you take a stepladder to parties # Yes, it has to be said # Though I long to be wed # Love goes over my head # In a small crowded bar I met Fifi Lamar # And her eyes held a promise of heaven # But when she left her seat and she rose to her feet # I found she was six foot eleven # But we walked through the town with rain pouring down # And I knew it would ruin my hair # I had just set but it didn't get wet # Cos I sheltered beneath her brassiere # Yes, it has to be said it was just like a shed # It went over my head # You may say it's fate, that I exaggerate # When I say love's above and beyond me # In this show business world I meet all kinds of girls # I have glamour and love thrust upon me # And then after the show there are girls that will go # Somewhat further perhaps than they ought to # It's no good, I have tried # When we lie side by side # It's just that I've got no one to talk to # Even when I'm in bed, yes, it has to be said # Love goes over my head # Love goes over my head # (Applause) Thank you.
Thank you, Charles, that was delightful.
And now I'd like to sing for you a medley of well-known English songs, translated into Greek for me by my agent, Takis Tenpercentame.
But for those of you who don't understand Greek, translated back into English by my good friend Michael Copaloadathis.
Daisy, Daisy.
Home 0n The Range.
(Sings to the tune of Pop Goes The Wesal) Bye-Bye Blackbird.
# Blackbird, bye-bye # (Applause) Thank you so much.
Now it is time to leave.
Charles, let us sing together before we go.
- Have you enjoyed it? - It's wonderful.
(Cancan tune plays) # It's so nice to come along from the land where we belong # And if you sing a foreign so then no one knows when you go wrong # Dance with me in Zorba's Dance # You might fall and ruin your chance # If I do, I fall on you, my little shock absorber # Na-na, na-na! You're so very Greek to me # La-la, la-la! You look very weak to me # 0h, I love Greece! Axle grease and candle grease # You're so dainty! Want you for my mantelpiece # You gorgeous little Frenchman, will you be my henchman? # Well, it all depends what you want henching # I love your Gallic manners, wish that you were Nana's # I will take you home and have you stuffed # No, that is not for me, chérie, I can't agree, chérie # I find that things would get on top of me # But I'm glad to be invited # I am quite delighted to have you on the show # And now I really think it's time for us to go # Let us embrace each other now we have to part # And let me clasp you to my heart # 0hh! 0h, I felt a proper Charlie.
And I felt a right Nana, I tell you! - Good night! - Good night! (Applause) Fantastic.
Ah, fantastic! That's all for this week.
Next week, we shall be talking about resignations by top cabinet ministers.
Why haven't there been any? And we'll be running a competition in Blackpool.
Eddie Waring will be buried in sand.
And the first kiddie to dig him up will get a thick ear.
So, it's good night from me.
And it's good night from him.
Good night.