The Upshaws (2021) s05e02 Episode Script

1
[funky instrumental music playing]
Hey, sis. Want some breakfast?
Let me pour you a bowl.
That sugary crap?
No, ma'am. I like my feet.
If you need anything, please let me know.
I wanna make sure you're comfortable.
Hey. Ma, you got a heating pad?
Sleeping on Hector's futon
is not the move.
Try sharing a room with Aaliyah.
She had me
sleeping on a beanbag all night.
You're the one
who said you wanted to play cat.
'Cause you hyped it up.
- Not my fault.
- I'd rather
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Cut the complaining. You're sucking
the magic out of my Lucky Charms.
Look, Bernard.
Like I've said,
I didn't know they were gonna
kick you out of your apartment too.
Aaliyah, Maya, you're children.
Suck it up. You don't pay rent.
Neither did I.
What's up, family? No, no. God, no.
You know the rules.
No shorts. You need a bra.
No flip-flops.
Your toes look like
they throwing up gang signs.
And they about to do a drive-by.
Aaliyah, if you're gonna help me
in the gym, we gotta get going.
Oh, you're leaving?
Good. Bed's free.
Nap time.
Hey, I think it's great
you're helping your brother.
[scoffs] Won't do anything that messes up
her hair, nails, or clothes,
but she will work for free.
Happy to help.
I feel a little responsible.
A little? You drove your car
through your brother's wall.
Hey, it was your friend teaching me.
We really don't talk about that enough.
We also haven't spent a lot of time
talking about your punishment.
Uh, let's go, Bernard.
Can I drive?
- Hell no!
- Hell no!
Now, why are you still dressed like that?
Okay? You standing
next to a drawer full of foil.
Make yourself into a to-go plate.
Baby, cut her some slack, all right?
Lucretia sold her building for us.
Now, if she wants
to dress younger than she is,
that's her business.
[knocking on door]
Thank you.
You know, you made a lot of left turns.
This still better be hot.
- You order food and not even gonna share?
- Nope.
Ooh, that smell like some bacon.
I want some of that.
Bennie, cut it out, all right?
That is her food.
Now, she let you keep your shop.
Yeah, but come on. She living here.
The least she could pay is some bacon tax.
And that'll be the only tax she paying.
Know what? It does smell good.
Snatch me a piece too.
- I got you, boo.
- [Regina chuckles]
[Bennie] Ow! You bit me!
[Lucretia] I got rules too.
That thing bit me.
Am I becoming something else?
'Cause if I turn into a dried-up spinster,
you kill me.
[vocalizing]
Solid as a rock ♪
[vocalizing]
Solid, solid, solid, solid ♪
[instrumental music playing]
Why isn't that Mustang fixed?
The hell you been doing since we got here?
I was gon' make some coffee,
but I'm looking for my little scooper.
That happens to me sometimes.
That's why I always keep an extra one
[shouting] in the building I sold!
How long are you gonna hold that over me?
It's that,
or I hold a pillow over your face.
Please. If you ever on top of me,
I'll smother myself, trust.
Bennie, I'm serious about this shop.
I'm all in.
So I want that lift clear by lunch,
and after lunch,
I want another car on the lift.
And you know what?
During lunch, do something.
Like what?
I don't know.
You could always tidy up, I suppose
[shouting] and think about
the building I sold!
[car horn honking]
[man] Yo, Bennie!
Hey, there's my dude.
Where's your Bronco?
Oh, the wife saw a documentary
about polar bears.
Made me go electric.
As long as she don't go electric
in the bedroom.
[chuckling]
No, you cool.
- Hey, bro.
- [Bennie] Huh?
We're not that close.
- Just fix the car.
- Huh.
Whatever's wrong with it,
we'll have it ready for you later today.
There'll still be something wrong with it.
I don't know how to fix this.
I've been bringing my car
to you for years.
Yeah, but this ain't a car, man.
This is a iPhone with wheels.
Then stick that shit in some rice.
A car's a car, and money's money.
Yeah. I'll take it up
to my man Pete's up on 30th.
He knows his stuff.
I send everybody up there.
Everybody? What everybody?
You've been sending business
to another shop?
It it ain't for free.
He lets me park there
while I run in the liquor store.
The last thing
your pickle brain needs is more alcohol.
I get scratch-offs too.
Look, I'm sorry. I can't do it, man.
Oh, there go my little scooper.
That documentary your wife watched,
did it happen to say
how soon the world would end?
'Cause I'm ready to go.
[instrumental music playing]
- What are you working on, baby?
- Homework.
Don't worry, Dad.
I'll wait until Mom comes home.
Or Aunt Lucretia.
Or Aaliyah.
Or just get it wrong.
Gimme that book. [grunts]
Okay.
Let's see. Complex sentences.
We can do this.
"To get down the blank,
you walk down the stairs."
What kinda Temple of Doom riddle is this?
[groans] Okay, and the answer is,
"To get down the stairs,
you got to walk down the stair"
I would have never got that.
[door opens]
[Regina breathing heavily]
No, no, don't worry.
I got these heavy-ass bags.
I'm the one that had the heart attack.
How's your homework coming, baby?
It's not.
School's dumb. Let's go watch TV.
[sighs] I don't know
what you did, but fix it.
Maya, school is not dumb.
School is very important.
Bennie, I just signed you up
for electric car school.
Bump that. School is dumb.
Glad we agree. I'm gonna go watch TV.
Me too.
No.
You need to get certified
to work on these electric cars.
We're not turning away any more money.
I can't do school.
To paraphrase our best president,
"Yes, you can."
But I won't.
I think it's a good idea.
Electric cars are the future.
Future? It's happening right now.
Just ask Pete.
He's racking up all the EV business
we're supposed to have.
Why you hating on Pete?
'Cause I didn't sell Pete's building.
Bennie, the garage is all I have.
So I will be on your ass
until you agree to go.
I ain't trying to hear all that,
Lil Wayne's grandmother.
Well, I guess this conversation is over.
I couldn't possibly
follow him into another room.
Bennie, baby, lay out your clothes.
You're going to school tomorrow.
[instrumental music playing]
I'm really proud of you, sis.
You stepped up.
I wanna see you succeed, big bro.
Yeah, and it's pretty nice
we get a chance to hang out.
Yep.
I love coming down here
watching you do your thing.
Oh!
It's almost lunchtime.
You should go in your office and eat it.
In your office.
- I was gonna work through lunch.
- You can't do that!
Salads don't keep.
How'd you know I brought a salad?
Look at you.
How about, instead of lunch,
I let in that boy at the door
who's obviously here for you?
I see you, man. Come on in.
Oh, so this a gym, right?
I'm here to get swole.
You don't seem open,
so I guess I'll leave.
Wait, wait, wait.
So so what am I looking at here?
You liking her,
dating her,
or stalking her?
The first two.
People our age stalk online.
But I wouldn't do that.
Are you gonna tell me who I'm talking to?
Oh, I'm Tristan.
And Tristan is?
None of Mom's business.
[instrumental music playing]
Okay, that was installation
and troubleshooting
of various electromechanical devices
in electric vehicles.
Damn. More complex sentences.
Any questions?
Uh, sure.
Uh, am I in the right class?
Are you here to learn about electric cars?
I thought so,
but I haven't heard the word "car."
[snickering]
Let me see if I can simplify it for you.
Electric vehicles use remote diagnostics
to perform management center roles.
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Sure. Okay, okay.
Including tracking energy consumption,
supervising charging efficiency
Come on with it.
and, uh,
monitoring high voltage risk levels.
I'm already up on that.
Right. I've heard about that.
Does that answer your question?
It it sure does.
I'm in the wrong class.
I'll holler at y'all.
Well, look at you.
You lasted a whole 20 minutes.
You really got nowhere else to be?
I did.
But I sold it to save our shop!
Now, the least you can do
is go back in there and learn this stuff.
[clicks tongue] I'm going to the bar.
Then I'm going to the bar.
- I'm going to the bathroom.
- Then we're gonna go to the bathroom.
Come on, Lucretia.
You can't be following me everywhere.
Look, what is it that you're not getting?
I paid for this class.
- I'm gonna be on you until you pass it.
- [sighs]
The only place I'm not following you
is back in here.
[teacher] The combination
of the charging port and
power to battery charge.
'Cause that shit sounded boring.
[instrumental music playing]
Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey.
- [chuckling]
So you've been telling me
you're killing it in class, right?
- Yeah, I'm king shit up in there.
- Okay.
Well, Your Majesty,
get to fixing.
Oh, well, you know,
we haven't covered everything yet.
We're halfway through the book,
but it's a big-ass book.
Relax. The guy said
all he needs is an alignment.
Oh, I can do that.
That's regular car shit.
- And its control screen doesn't work.
- Yeah, control screen.
'Cause you know,
when a brother need a control screen,
that's when he control the screen, see?
And it says that in that pamphlet we had
that was in chapter four.
Let me get my
'Cause I got I can show you
better than I can tell you.
I'll lift that thing up,
put that jack up under there.
Get up in that thing, like, yeah.
You and I both know I'm lying like hell.
Bennie! What the hell is wrong with you?
The the final is tomorrow!
No, the final
was when I turned that laptop off.
What've you been doing in there?
Sleeping.
Don't give me that stank eye,
'cause I told you from the jump
that that class was gonna be a waste.
A a waste?!
The only thing being wasted
is my hope for the choices I made.
What the hell was I thinking
putting all my eggs
in the Bennie Upshaw basket?
You don't put your eggs
in a basket with no bottom.
You're just dropping eggs.
I should choke myself out
for even thinking about
selling my building.
I could be in my own home,
comfortable as hell,
enjoying my life.
My life was the shit.
[scoffs] "Family business."
I must've been out of my goddamn mind!
[hesitating] Maybe
if we were the Corleones.
Yeah! Now, they knew
how to run a family business.
- They did.
- Yeah.
And they knew what to do with their Fredo.
Me? I'm Fredo? You talkin' about me?
That was low.
You're right.
- Damn.
- I didn't mean that.
But if I could put you on a boat
[dejectedly] Man,
I tried to learn that stuff.
But I can't.
Can't or won't?
I can't!
And it's pissing me off.
I'm Bennie Upshaw.
Anything in life that I couldn't do,
I always had my cars.
But these ain't cars.
They don't make sense.
And you yelling at me
ain't gon' change that.
I'm sorry.
I should've given you credit for trying.
Appreciate it.
So no more school.
No, we gonna cheat.
What?
Nigga, let's go.
[instrumental music playing]
Can you hear me?
Why are you talking so loud?
Are you trying to help everybody cheat?
It's my natural timbre.
Now, look, we have a problem.
The mechanic I hired to help us cheat
is running late.
Her babysitter fell through.
That's why women
shouldn't be doing this job.
Not you, Laura.
You breaking that glass ceiling.
I've done two pit crews,
and you're wearing an AirPod
to clearly cheat.
Kiss my ass.
I hope that glass ceiling cut you.
Sophia just hit me up.
She's ten minutes away. You need to stall.
Okay. It's a three-section test.
So we just getting started?
Ain't nobody gonna pray?
Dearly beloved,
we're gathered here today
to celebrate this thing
that we call electricity.
Bennie, everyone's already started.
Oh, okay, yeah.
Okay, first question. Number one.
Just read me the questions.
Oh, cool.
You're asking how to access the scan data
from the car's ECM.
Like I didn't know that.
That's week one shit. That ain't
[Lucretia] Did you say EDM?
All I found are articles about a "Diplo."
What the hell's a Diplo?
I got this one.
Laura, what's a Diplo?
You are definitely gonna get electrocuted.
Hey, Marty, Laura's being a bitch.
What's a Diplo?
[instrumental music playing]
[door opens]
Hey, how come
you didn't swing by the gym today?
I did. It was locked.
'Cause we're not open yet.
You can't knock? Send a text?
Do this?
Put a little effort in it.
You coming in real hot
for someone who was a breech baby.
Robbing me of my lunch break.
Now I got to watch Peaky Blinders
on my own time.
Just come by tomorrow.
Wait. No, she won't be in tomorrow.
Try on Saturday.
Okay. Who is she?
What is she doing? Why do I need to worry?
Aaliyah has a boyfriend.
Shut up. She would've told me that.
No, look, his name is Tristan.
They've been meeting at the gym.
I didn't wanna blow up her spot,
so I was hoping
you can come by and blow it up yourself.
See you Saturday.
[Regina mutters] Uh-uh.
I'm gonna need more than that.
How long has Aaliyah been seeing this boy?
You snitch!
You promised! Dang, you can't hold water.
She yanked it out of me.
Consider us even for the wall.
Oh, we better be.
[door opens, closes]
Why didn't you tell me
you have a boyfriend?
You're treating me
like a regular-ass mom. I'm cool!
Are you?
Or are you the kind of mom
that would've given me a 12-hour seminar
on avoiding teen pregnancy?
Excuse you, that's life.
That happens to girls.
You don't plan
on things going that way, but
Okay, that's your cute little way
of telling me you've heard that before.
Mom, I love you.
But I took the bus,
and you lecture me about teen pregnancy.
I tried a smokey eye,
and you lecture me about teen pregnancy.
I wanted fake birth control, and you
Okay. That one was fair.
Look, I know why you do it,
and I appreciate it.
But sometimes, it's exhausting.
I admit that, in the past,
my past may have seeped into my parenting.
More like flooded.
Uh, hold up. I'm letting you
get away with a lot. Don't push it.
But, Aaliyah,
this is your first boyfriend.
I've been looking forward to this.
I wanna gossip and pick out outfits
and comfort you when you're fighting.
Oh, we'll never fight.
- He gets me.
- [chuckles softly]
Oh, girl, you're new.
I want to be a part of this.
Don't shut me out, please.
No teen pregnancy talk?
I think we're good. For now.
Good, 'cause I've been dying
to tell you about Tristan.
[giggles] Lemme see pics! Lemme see pics!
[gasps] Oh!
Oh, he cute.
Oh, he got a brother?
Nope, not doing any.
Okay, okay!
[chuckling] Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
I will find the right level.
Let me see.
[instrumental music playing]
"When a battery service disconnect
is pulled out, a sensor will shut down."
Oh! "But there is still power
in the battery."
[whispers] That was three pages ago.
This Wi-Fi is slow as shit
in the parking lot.
Parking lot?
It's a phone call. You could be home.
[tapping on window]
Oh, thank you, Jesus. Get in here, Sophia.
- [Sophia sighs]
- [baby mewling]
What's that for?
To keep alive?
I told you, my childcare fell through.
[sighs] We doing this on the phone?
You could've just added me to the call.
If I could do technology,
you wouldn't be here.
Now, look, Bennie's gonna read
a question from the test,
and you gonna give him the answer.
I understand the concept of cheating.
This is not my husband's baby.
What's the first question?
[whispers] Whose baby is it?
- [Sophia sighs]
- From the test, fool.
[Bennie] Oh, okay, okay.
What's the safe voltage level
without gloves?
- [baby crying]
- [Sophia shushing]
If you're talking about
inside the battery assembly,
you need gloves
until voltage levels are 12 or less.
What? I I can't hear what you said.
All I hear is crying.
It's my baby. He's hungry.
[baby crying]
Sophia.
This is incredibly unprofessional.
[instrumental music playing]
- [chuckling gleefully]
- Oh man!
- [both laughing]
- Hey!
[both singing] We got certified ♪
We electric ♪
[both grunting tunefully]
We got certified ♪
We electric ♪
[both grunting tunefully]
Hey! [mimicking electric shock]
- [chuckling]
- Whoo!
I don't care what they say.
Cheating works.
Yeah, say that shit.
That crazy plan worked?
Yup. It got a little touch-and-go
during the diaper change,
but thank God for Desitin.
This is exactly what the shop needed.
It's gonna turn things around.
Yeah. It's the future, baby.
Hey, by the way, I stoled your AirPods.
Oh, cheating and stealing. That's my man!
It pains me to say this,
but I'm proud of him.
- We got certified!
- [Bennie laughs]
Not to throw raisins in your potato salad,
but when the electric cars come in,
who gon' fix them?
Me. I'm certified.
We electric.
- Ah-ha! Yeah! [mimicking shock]
- Yeah!
Right, right, right, right.
So you actually learned how to do it?
Hell no. We cheated.
It's like you trying not to get this.
Yeah, see, it's just like
Okay, so, when the cars come in,
and then Bennie will just, um
Oh shit, I ain't making no damn sense.
What what what happened to me?
I'm dumb.
[huffing]
Did biting you turn me into you?
Oh, nah. No, no, no, no. Don't, don't.
Oh well, we still got Pete.
As a matter of fact,
I'm gonna go get scratch-offs and Jack.
- Anybody need something?
- Uh!
A shop that makes money.
You taking that class again.
You gonna learn this stuff
for real this time.
And even as I'm saying this,
I don't believe me.
[instrumental music playing]
So, welcome aboard.
You can put all your electrical Diplos
and whatnot right here.
Wow.
Y'all really don't know anything, do you?
I should've asked for more money.
Nope. Too late.
Girl, you got to know your worth.
Well, I'm excited to get started.
And don't worry about the baby.
My mother-in-law's
gonna keep one eye on him.
The other one's glass. Agh! [chuckling]
Long story.
Now that I'm saying it out loud,
I think I'm gonna go with daycare.
Whose mama's out there in them streets?
Yours is. Yes, she is. Yes, she is!
Your daddy is not your daddy.
[singsongy] No, he's not. No, he's not.
Is he always a dick?
[baby mewling]
[singsongy] Yes, he is. Yes, he is!
[theme music playing]
[music fades out]