8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s05e03 Episode Script
Aisling Bea, Reginald D. Hunter and Holly Walsh
1 This programme contains strong language, adult humour and sexual references throughout CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson, Sean Lock, Reginald D Hunter, Aisling Bea, Holly Walsh, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host - Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
The show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, 557 people in England speak Cornish as their first language? I say "speak", they look up from their pasty long enough to grunt to their wife who is also their sister.
A leading sociologist has found that one in 20 men believe themselves to be the father of their child, when in fact, they aren't.
Fascinating stuff.
Although, of course, when I say leading sociologist, I mean Jeremy Kyle.
LAUGHTER And the Kama Sutra lists 64 different sexual positions, or 65 if you count the one where the middle-aged man sits alone in front of my computer - HIS computer! LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players, first up it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING Jon should try his hand on the X Factor, he can't sing or dance, but if you're looking for a tragic backstory, he's world-class.
Well, I can sing and dance, actually.
I just keep that very well hidden.
Let's have some song and dance.
Come on, break it out.
TUNELESSLY: O-o-o-o-h And I think that'll do.
Important to always leave them wanting less.
OK.
I shouldn't be mean, Jon was actually bullied at school and to this day he still washes his face in a flushing toilet.
LAUGHTER Look, the bigger boys are laughing at you.
And Jon's team-mate this evening, it's Aisling Bea.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Charming, funny and, dare I say it, easy on the eye.
Aisling is very much Ireland's answer to Sean Lock.
Up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
CHEERING Despite not always winning on Countdown, Sean really throws himself into it.
Like a seagull flying into a patio window.
And joining Sean tonight, it's Reginald D Hunter.
CHEERING Reg first came to the UK to study at RADA.
You may not think Reg has got much of an acting range, but he's actually a 23-year-old white woman from Surrey.
LAUGHTER Reg said he'd only do shitty TV shows if he was having to settle down because his girlfriend was pregnant.
So, I'm guessing congratulations are in order.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's right, Jimmy.
All of them are pregnant.
I'm not.
Maybe after the show we'll see what we can do about that, baby.
So, Reg, have you seen the show before? I have seen a minute or two of it and I warn you in advance that I'm not going to be particularly good at it.
However, if you ever do 8 Out of 10 Cats Meets Call of Duty, I might be your man.
Do you think Countdown would be big if they try to launch it in America? Er no.
You see, over here, comedy audiences will reward a comedian for being clever.
They're like, IN POSH ACCENT: "Oh, that's very clever.
"Very good, it's quite clever.
" But in America when you do clever, they sit there and they go, "Get to the funny part.
" I think if Countdown's too intellectual, then I think 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, I think we're in with a shot.
LAUGHTER Hello, America.
You like things dumbed down? You're welcome.
Sean, if there was anything you wish you could do better, what would it be? I think I'd like to be a less considerate lover.
I never pay attention to my own needs.
I'm always just focused, you know, on the other person's needs.
Do you ever show your sensitive side? Yeah, I've shown it twice.
Once to my wife and another time I slowed down for a horse.
OK, Jon, what did you want to be when you were growing up? I had two things I wanted, one was to win Countdown and the other was a World Wrestling Federation Royal Rumble title.
It's very much one down, one to go, for me.
Look out for Grumble Bum at the next Royal Rumble, making his debut in his little pants.
I think if you were allowed a Taser you've got a chance.
Just walk around and go "BZZZ.
" "AAGGH!" LAUGHTER Aisling, what's your favourite Irish phrase? I have a friend who only speaks in Irish phrases, he just goes STRONG IRISH ACCENT: "Ah, sure listen.
"Look it, sure listen, we'll be grand.
"Sure, a rolling stone gathers no moss.
In ten years' time, "we'll all be dead or laughing at something else.
" And you're kind of like, "Yeah, but I was asking for directions to your house, Sean.
"So, I don't really know.
" "Ah, sure, listen.
Look, too many cooks, you know yourself.
" I also noticed earlier, I noticed you're wearing a very nice jumper with a robin on your sweater.
- Yeah.
- But the way your hair's sort of hanging over the beak, it looks like a potato.
LAUGHTER - Have you got a mascot today? - Yes, I do have a mascot, actually.
I The last time I did this show, I was a little bit nervous, I feel like I lost focus and I wasn't entirely together and so I've been really I've been really trying my hardest and practising with a really supportive, motivating, beatboxing friend, obviously.
MAN BEATBOXES So, you know, just to have him around, he makes me feel better and more confident about myself, he's always testing me on things.
Thanks a million, Ross.
Say, for example, I'll try one now, just give it a go.
Oh, so we're looking for a nine letter on this, possibly.
- Showbizzy? - # Showbizzy, yeah.
# Great.
Good, good, good.
So, let's try another one now.
Oh, God And again, I want to go for nine on this, Susie.
- Beatboxer! - # Ba-ba-ba-beatboxer.
# Oh, brilliant, yeah.
That's great.
Another, now.
Oh, I'm not great with the numbers, Jon.
Do you remember I wasn't very good with numbers, at all? Let me just see.
50 plus 50 plus 50 plus 50 plus 50 plus 50 TOGETHER: 300! - Aww! - HE CONTINUES BEATBOXING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, I almost forgot.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH Just keeps me confident, you know.
He's a great guy, fair play to him.
I love it.
Jon, have you got a mascot this evening? A bit like, Aisling, really.
It's more of a motivational device.
So, I've brought these selection of chillies with me and any time I do not score points in a round, I will eat a chilli.
AUDIENCE: O-o-o-h! - The whole chilli? - I mean, not the green bit.
So, you'll eat all of the red bit of that? Can we choose which chilli? You can choose the chilli, Sean.
Because it ain't going to happen.
- How are you with spicy food? - Hate it.
I tend to be instantly sick, unless it goes down, in which case, more of a problem tomorrow.
- OK, fine.
Let's definitely do that.
Reg, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
His name is Pimbleton LAUGHTER .
.
and he's been with me for over three decades now, and he mean a lot to me and erm I wish I had something more clever or funny or witty to say about him, but I wouldn't disrespect him like that.
- How long have you and Pimbleton been together? - For a long time, baby.
- For a long time.
- How did you make THAT sound sexy? Anyone can do that, though.
- I say the same thing, it'd sound sexy.
- Go on.
- Go on.
NASAL VOICE: For a long time, baby.
Ughugh.
LAUGHTER AND WOLF WHISTLES And, Sean, have you got a mascot this evening? I've given up on the whole mascot thing, obviously makes no difference.
So, I'm just using this as a place to display a lot of my ingenuity.
Like, solve problems.
And I think a problem that's looming up for many of us, not just in this country, in many countries, a really serious problem is well, it's the problem of drinking at the Qatar World Cup.
It's something that keeps me awake at night, that you can go to a match and you won't be able to access alcohol in any form whatsoever.
And I've come up with a couple of solutions.
First, I think a very good way to get alcohol into a stadium in a country where it's going to be 45 degrees, is in suntan lotion.
Factor 50? No, 50%.
You just open that up like that.
Agh - It's a lively one.
- Yeah, it's a lively one, that is.
I hope I know who filled this.
There we go, that's it.
Ugh And then, I thought to myself, you're in the stadium and we all know the pleasure and fun that can be had from a drinking hat.
Sure.
Lovely drinking hat.
But would they allow drinking hats? Well, they will allow drinking hats under these circumstances Let's take a look at this So, it's a drinking hat, like that and it comes with a very discreet LAUGHTER But you could say, I've got a very bad asthma and I need oxygen.
I like the idea in 50 degrees you'll be wearing a woollen bobble hat.
It's to play Countdown.
OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner it's Holly Walsh.
APPLAUSE - OK, now, you went on Celebrity Mastermind - Yeah.
- .
.
your specialist subject was, I believe, badgers.
- Yeah.
Erwhy? Well, when I was six, I was obsessed with badgers.
I just didn't think about anything else other than badgers and then when someone said to me when I was Were you raised by badgers? .
.
then when they asked me, aged 31, or whatever, "Oh, what would your specialist subject be?" I was like, "Badgers, of course.
" But I hadn't thought about badgers for What's 31 minus? For that many years.
25! LAUGHTER And he's been drinking.
With Holly this evening is, of course, Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie, how do you unwind after a hard day's counting down? Erm Well, there is something that Rachel and I do - and I blame Rachel entirely for this.
- Oh, awesome.
- Rachel introduced me to this website - Oh, that one.
.
.
it's basically, you know, we love cats and we quite like men, so, it's poses of men and cats.
- And I've brought you the calendar actually, Rachel.
- RACHEL: Oh.
Show you here, this is the kind of thing we look at.
- What else can I show you? Ooh, there you go.
- Oh, wow.
- It's just what? It's half a sexy man - Yeah, it's amazing.
It's got something for everyone, as long as you like men or cats.
Oh, that's the best one.
Stay on that one.
That's like the weirdest ever hold-up.
That is hot stuff.
I'm loving it.
Aww See, it's amazing.
JON: Do they never make the men do what the cat decides to do? Like, one of a man just licking his underarm or Or shitting in a park? That is pretty good.
And in charge of the numbers, it is Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE WOLF WHISTLES Now, Rachel, if you go out with friends for dinner, do they always expect you to divide the bill? Erm On my birthday last year, my friend decided it was a treat for me, so I didn't have to divide the bill.
But we accidentally left a 25% tip.
Because it turns out no-one else can do maths drunk.
- Have you ever done Countdown drunk? - Ierm AUDIENCE GASPS How many? There was one time when Nick moved the filming, so we were actually filming on a Sunday and the night before one of my best friends got married, so I probably was still a little bit drunk from the night before.
- But I could still do the numbers, it was fine.
- Sure.
(She's an alcoholic).
OK.
Tonight, the prize the teams will be competing for is this the Countdown tool belt.
AUDIENCE: Woo! I don't know if you can see the wood there, it's pretty impressive.
That would be more impressive if there was a tiny cat doing the same thing.
OK.
Let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game, Sean and Reg, your turn to pick the letters.
- Vowel, please.
- Thank you, Sean.
- No worries.
U Consonant, please, Rachel.
L Vowel.
I MIMICKING REG'S VOICE: Consonant.
Vowel.
A Consonant.
R Consonant.
Q Are you writing any of these down? LAUGHTER It's a tip, it's just a tip.
I'll have another consonant, please.
F And a vowel.
And the last one another U.
OK, and the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
BRASS BAND PLAY CLOCK MUSIC CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Jon, what have you got? - A six.
- Aisling? - Five.
- Reg? - I got seven.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! - Sean? - Five.
OK, Aisling, your five? - ErTRAIL.
- TRAIL? - Yeah.
Is TRAIL a word? Yes, it is.
- Sean, your five? - FRAIL.
Is FRAIL a word? Yes, it is.
Jon, your six? - RITUAL.
- Ooh! Is RITUAL a word? Yes, it is.
- And, Reg, your seven? - FARTILU.
LAUGHTER FARTILU? How you spelling FARTILU? F-A-R-T-I-L-U And the definition of FARTILU? You know the people who invented a Portaloo? Well, Fartilu A Fartilu was their first attempt.
- Is it in the dictionary? - It's not there, I wish it was.
What the hell kind of dictionary are you using? LAUGHTER That's great, because I genuinely shit my pants when you said seven.
Oooh So, you've avoided a chilli, Jon.
And six points to you.
Holly, Susie, could they have done any better? Well, ARTFUL, that was the other six.
Right, OK.
So, at the end of that Jon and Aisling are in the lead with six points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Onto our first numbers round.
OK, Jon and Aisling your time to pick numbers.
- After you - Oh, thank you, Jon.
Could I have two big ones, please? - And four little ones? - Oh, yeah.
Oryeah.
- yeah.
It's harder with two little ones, but I kind of want to see Jon eat some chillies.
No, let's not let's not play around.
But is it just if you just don't score the max or have you just got to lose? We'll discuss the wording if and when.
OK, right.
We've got Another 8.
This could be hard.
And 75.
And 50.
And the target - 985.
OK, the time starts now.
No-one distract Jon, make sure Jon focuses here.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
LAUGHTER No, it's OK.
You've still got 15 seconds, Jon.
- Jon, you've got ten seconds.
- Fuck off.
- Take it easy, Jon.
Sean, for love of God, get this.
I don't have a chance.
OK.
Jon, did you get it? No.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Aisling, are you there to save him? - I Um - If no-one else gets it right.
- What did you get? I got 750.
OK, right.
I see what's happened there.
Reg, did you get it? No, no.
As a matter of fact I didn't even come reasonably close.
- Sean? - I got 975, I think.
975, that'll be close enough.
- How did you do that? - Well I - Why, what did you get, Jon? Well, I got 989.
It's a bit late for that, innit? All right, Sean, show us how you did it.
9 - 8 = 1 9 - 8 = 1 Er 50 ÷ 8 50 over What? You're not allowed fractions.
- Doesn't 8 go into 50, then? - No.
LAUGHTER - No, it's - Nobody said you can't have fractions.
LAUGHTER 6 1/4 - Thank you very much.
- Jon, you could not be safer, dude.
I feel like I've eaten one.
I'm on fire.
Hang on a sec, does 9 go into 50? 10 goes into 50, doesn't it? That's it.
That's 5.
- 5 + 8 - Plus Yeah, yeah.
- .
.
is 13.
- 13.
- Times 75.
- Times 75975.
- That's it.
APPLAUSE OK.
So, that's five points for Sean.
Now, Jon, you said you didn't get it, so you can't declare after that, is the rules.
- You didn't ask me what I got though.
You asked me, "did you get it?" - And you said no.
And therefore you offered me no opportunity to tell you what I had.
So, you pigeonholed me.
Maybe you should just man up and eat a chilli, Jon.
AUDIENCE: Woo! - Oh, fuck.
- Sean, would you like to? Would you care to pick a chilli? I'll just do it like this, I won't look.
I'll do it like lucky dip.
Here you go, that one.
Oh! LAUGHTER - OK.
Just in one, I think.
- I'd wipe it and your arm before you - Does that kill the power of it, does it? - Yeah.
No, it's just Sean hasn't washed his hands.
AUDIENCE: Oh - AISLING: Oh, Jon - You got a lovely bit of chilli left there.
Jon, come on.
Seriously, don't waste it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How are you feeling, Jon? - Rachel, could that be done? - I've got a lot of ways for one away, but I've no idea if it can be done.
Oh, well, come and eat your chilli.
- I'm not even joking, come and eat your chilli.
- I have to eat a chilli? How bad is it, Jon? HOARSE: I'll talk again later.
- OK, Russian roulette.
- This one.
- The interesting thing about it Do you eat the whole thing? The interesting thing about it is that it gets worse.
LAUGHTER It starts off all right, and then it just progressively deteriorates.
Yeah, that'll be fine.
You'll probably be fine.
It'll be really good LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH SEAN: Hard as nails, isn't she? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
- Holly, what have you got for us? - Well, I don't know if you know this about me, Jimmy, but I'm actually quite a prude and I find it very awkward talking about sex.
I've always been like this.
When I was a teenager, I think the closest I came to having sex was when I was doing lengths in the local pool and a man butterflied over me.
Buterm I lost my virginity very late in the end, to the point or when it finally happened I wasn't so much deflowered as deadheaded.
LAUGHTER I I think part of it is because I'm British.
I think it's because we're not very good at talking about sex.
Not like the Americans.
Look at the Americans and those guys have nailed it.
Like, Reg, look at the sporting analogy that you guys use.
You've got the American base system.
We've all seen high school movies, you know, first base - a bit of French kissing.
Second base - a bit of upstairs, downstairs.
Third base - the old pink recorder.
Then the full home run.
That's the American sporting analogy for sex.
But when I look at that Er.
- What's yours? - Erm The first base is kissing.
Second base is rubbing a woman's breasts.
Third base is being able toermerm give her the four fingers of fury.
LAUGHTER Why, Mr Hunter, you're making me blush.
- The FOUR fingers of fury? - Yeah, the triple Fs.
- Forefinger of fury, baby.
- Oh, the forefinger? I thought you were saying "four fingers.
" APPLAUSE Oh, well, that's OK then.
Now, Holly, for someone who's just said "I'm a little bit British and prudish", I imagine you have comments to make.
I don't think the British can deal with that system, I think that's a bit too full-on for us.
Well, yeah.
Cos y'all like rounders So, of course, yeah.
I think if we had to have a sporting analogy for sex, it'd probably be - the British cross-country running system.
- Really? That's 42 different checkpoints over rough terrain.
LAUGHTER And it starts withmeet in a kitchen at a crap party.
Obligatory Game of Thrones chat.
Extensive background check, Google.
Look through every single photo of them online.
See them with their arm around a person in a photo from 2009.
Develop irrational hatred of that person.
Like photo by mistake.
Cringe.
Then, up to 12, you're just trying really hard to play it cool.
Try hard not to think about them.
13, download an album they've mentioned in passing.
18, listen to album on repeat and imagine your wedding.
19, get their number off a friend.
21, compose text.
22, send text.
23, realise text sounds psychotic.
24, cringe.
It's not till 26 that you actually meet.
And then it's just wine, wine, wine, wine wine.
Snog.
Jager bomb.
Sexy times.
Apologise.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Holly Walsh.
The scores at the moment, Sean and Reg have five, Jon and Aisling in the lead with six.
And here is your teaser.
The words areI AM IN REG.
The clue is This is really painful.
That's, I AM IN REG.
This is really painful.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to our teaser The words were I AM IN REG and the clue was - this is really painful.
It was, of course, MIGRAINE.
OK, time to mix things up a little bit.
They have been playing in teams, but this game is just for Sean and Aisling.
So, Aisling, your turn to choose the letters.
A consonant, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Aisling.
Can I get a vowel, please? - I.
- Then, can I get another vowel? A And another vowel.
- E.
- Oh, thought I was going to go TIA MARIA.
Then, a consonant again, please.
N A vowel, please.
O One more vowel.
U Then a consonant.
R And another consonant.
And the last one, T.
OK.
Your time starts now.
What have you got? LAUGHTER - I have got five.
- Sean, how did you do? - Same.
Five.
Let's hear your five, Sean.
INTRO INTRO - Can we have INTRO, Susie? - You can have INTRO.
- OK.
Aisling? - I got TONER.
- Ooh! 5 points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Could they have done any better? There are two sevens you could have got.
- TAUREAN.
- Like a bull.
- Like a bull.
- And ROUTINE.
- Oh, man! I had ROUTE.
I just didn't get Horrible feeling, isn't it? Leaves you feeling empty inside.
At the end of that, Sean and Reg have 10.
Jon and Aisling still lead, with 11! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time for Reg and Jon to go head-to-head.
So, Reg, it's your turn to pick the numbers.
Give me a 12.
LAUGHTER Give me one from the bottom and then two in the middle there.
LAUGHTER I want cheese and tomatoes.
No LAUGHTER Two from the top.
- Two from the top.
- Then give me one more bad boy from the bottom.
Right, for this round, we have got 2, 8, 1.
And the large ones, and 75.
And the target And your time starts now.
The target was 360.
Reg, did you get it? Uh, no.
I didn't get that.
LAUGHTER - What DID you get, Reg? - Oh, are we playing that fucking rule now? APPLAUSE Someone's a little bit emotional.
The chilli has just hit my emotional region.
I'm on fire.
What did you get, Reg? I came in with 280.
LAUGHTER Jon, how did you do? I got 360.
ALL: Ooh! How did you get it? Oh-oh HE BURPS LAUGHTER Aisling's been taken out by fumes.
That felt so good! 6 + 1 = 7 6 + 1 = 7 x 50 + 8 + 2 - Yep.
- Well done.
360.
So, 10 points to Jon.
And no chilli.
Time to go again to Dictionary Corner.
What have you got, Holly? Well, my two favourite things in life are real ale and medieval art.
I'm a beardy weirdy, trapped in the face of a young Mary Berry.
That is uncanny.
Shall I tell you what I love about medieval art? I love medieval manuscripts, so being in Dictionary Corner is the best place in the world for me.
I love them because there is this thing called marginalia.
This is true, I am not making it up.
Basically, it is what happened in the margins in these really famous old books.
Let me give you an example.
Here is a picture of Alexander the Great, playing chess with a bunch of aristocrats.
"So far, so dull," I am sure you are thinking.
But what if I told you that, for absolutely no reason, another monk had somewhat ruined the moment, by drawing a picture of a man with a finger up his arsehole? LAUGHTER That's a genuine? This is a genuine This is from 1350.
This is what these monks They were awesome.
They used to sit in their libraries and nunneries and monasteries, doing these important old manuscripts and when they got bored, they'd say, "Yeah, let's draw a picture "of a man bumming an arrow.
" Or playing the fart trumpet.
But my personal favourite is these nuns visiting a penis tree.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Holly Walsh! The scores at the moment, Sean and Reg have 10, and Jon and Aisling have 21.
And here is your teaser.
The words are NEAT SHI and the clue is - just go for it.
NEAT SHIT - just go for it.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NEAT SHIT, and the clue was, just go for it.
It was of course, HESITANT.
Before we go on, he doesn't work here any more, but he keeps turning up, ladies and gentlemen, it's Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What's going on, Joe? Er, I'll tell you what's going on, Jimmy, is you fired me .
.
so to make a bit of cash, I've done a bit of a deal, er, got a sponsor for the show.
The show is now sponsored by a banister company.
It's actually my half-brother Fabio's company.
It's called Fabio's Banisters.
He's given me 60 quid and all we have to do is do a little bit of advertising, don't we, sweetheart.
Doubt you'd even notice.
Not a fucking erection in it, you idiot! I said don't have an erection! "I said don't have an erection!" Sorry, Jimmy, he just really likes banisters.
I know what you're thinking, Jimmy, you're thinking, "I've already got a banister.
" Don't be a fucking idiot.
There's lots of things you can use Fabio's banisters for.
For example, why not use a banister as maybe a pepper grinder .
.
and the slat as a pizza slice.
Just little things.
We're going to have to go back a little bit cos I changed the opening sequence for the show, just a tiny bit.
Again, I doubt you'd even notice.
Countdown is sponsored by Fabio's Banisters! Let's play Countdown sponsored by Fabio's Banisters! That's my other half-brother Raoul.
He's sexually active.
OK, on with the game, sponsored by Fabio's Banisters.
Sean and Reg, your turn to choose the letters.
To speed the game on, I've done the letters for the first round.
Using those letters there, Countdown sponsored by Fabio's Banisters.
- Aisling, what have you got? - I've got banisters.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let me just, um, check and see if banisters is up there.
Yes, it's in there.
- Jon, what have you got? - Er, eight.
- I got banister.
- Aw Sean, what have you got? It's incredible cos I got banisters as well.
- And Reg, what have you got? - I'm so sorry.
I failed to take it seriously.
I feel dumb as hell right now, I really do.
Now, you get double points for a nine-letter word, so both teams get 18 points there.
Holly, Susie, could they have done any better? - There was a ten-letter word.
- What was that? - Abstainers.
Is that a record? - That would have been a record.
- Fucking hell, what a game! The weird thing is, they say that sponsorship sometimes ruins TV shows, but it's made it better, It's made a dog-shit show slightly better.
So at the end of that, Jon and Aisling are in the lead with 39.
On to another numbers round.
OK, Jon and Aisling, pick the numbers.
- One big or two big? - Er, two.
I'll do it.
I'll just get ready.
All right, let's do this.
Two big and four small, please.
You're going to have to take over, I do not understand! - You were invaluable as usual, Joe.
- I did me best.
Two big ones and four little ones.
- Are you at least going to do the sum? - Er, yeah, if you like.
Great.
- The numbers are 3, 8, 4, 2 - Why are you putting them up there? .
.
and 50 I don't know why you got fired, Joe.
.
.
and 100.
Your attitude.
LAUGHTER OK, your time starts now.
- Aisling, did you get it? - Do you know? Oh, my God, I got it! - I have gotten it.
- I have never made a woman do that before.
Yeah.
I've gotten it.
I don't want to be Mr Piss On The Fun, but did you get it using that sum there? - What happened? - I didn't get it.
Aisling, what happened? Talk us through - Oh, who knows what happened?! - I do! I do! I got to 900 and What did I get to? You got to 900 and you took 24 off and instead of 876, you thought it was 986.
I just saw what I wanted to see.
Like many women with hope.
And I ruined it, like so many women with hope.
- Jon, did you get it? - No, I got I got something else, Jimmy.
988.
- Sean, did you get it? - I got 983.
- Reg, did you get it? - 936.
Pretty good.
You're getting much better.
- Jon, how did you get 988? - 8 plus 2 is 10, times 100, minus 4 times 3.
APPLAUSE - Rachel, could it be done? - You could have 3 minus 2 is 1, plus 8 is 9.
100 plus 4 is 104.
Times them together is 936 and add on 50.
What the fuck! - Why have you got a tiara on? - Oh, I forgot I was still wearing it.
Just had a bath.
I wear it in the bath.
The scores at the moment, Sean and Reg have 28 and Jon and Aisling have 46.
And here's your final teaser.
The words are I SPY MILF, the clue is, the easier the better.
I SPY MILF, the easier the better.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were I SPY MILF.
The clue was - the easier the better.
It was, of course, SIMPLIFY.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Aisling, your turn to choose the letters.
- Jon, will we do half and half? - Yes.
UhOK.
LAUGHTER Joe, you can't smoke on television.
Did you just inhale bubbles? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Joe, what just happened there? I was meant to blow and I forgot.
OK, pick your letters.
Rachel, can I get a whoop-whoop? Just a joke there, lads, no big deal.
May I have a vowel, please? - That's my section.
- Thank you, Joe.
Eee! - A consonant, please.
- I'll go with that one.
- Over to you.
- G.
- A vowel, please.
- If this vowel is a G, you've got EGG.
Another consonant, please.
D A consonant, Rachel.
S EGADS? And a vowel, please.
Ooo, EGADSI! LAUGHTER EGADSI, for seven.
Then one consonant, please, Rachel.
- That's only six.
- Shut up! - EGADSIT! - LAUGHTER A vowel, please.
EGADSITO! Then one more vowel, please, Joe.
One more vowel EGADSITOE! The "e" is silent! OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! APPLAUSE Jon, what have you got? Er, six.
- Aisling? - I have six.
- Reg? - Five.
- Sean? - Six.
- Er, Reg, what was your five? Just EGADS.
LAUGHTER OK, Sean, your six? I went for STAGED, Jimmy.
STAGED.
I could have had TEASED.
SEDATE Er, Jon, your six? SEATED Aisling, your six? I got SEDATE.
Oh, for fuck's sake! LAUGHTER OK, so six points to both teams! APPLAUSE - Could they have done any better? - They could have gone eight.
- Oh, my God! - Yeah.
- What was the eight? And it was really hard, as well.
GODETIAS.
It's a flower.
From the deep south of America.
Like you.
- I'm a flower from the deep south of America? - LAUGHTER - Thank you, baby.
- See, I can do it back to you.
- I appreciated that.
- I think you'd like me better if I explained baseball to you.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER OK, Sean and Reg have 34, Jon and Aisling have 52.
Fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
LAUGHTER - BUZZER - Jon? - Is it BUMPINESS? - AISLING GASPS Let's have a look.
- APPLAUSE - Yes, it is.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - With two seconds to go! So the final scores are, Sean and Reg have 34 but tonight's winners, by a huge margin with 62, Jon and Aisling! Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of this Countdown Tool Belt.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night!
Now, welcome your host - Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
The show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, 557 people in England speak Cornish as their first language? I say "speak", they look up from their pasty long enough to grunt to their wife who is also their sister.
A leading sociologist has found that one in 20 men believe themselves to be the father of their child, when in fact, they aren't.
Fascinating stuff.
Although, of course, when I say leading sociologist, I mean Jeremy Kyle.
LAUGHTER And the Kama Sutra lists 64 different sexual positions, or 65 if you count the one where the middle-aged man sits alone in front of my computer - HIS computer! LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players, first up it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING Jon should try his hand on the X Factor, he can't sing or dance, but if you're looking for a tragic backstory, he's world-class.
Well, I can sing and dance, actually.
I just keep that very well hidden.
Let's have some song and dance.
Come on, break it out.
TUNELESSLY: O-o-o-o-h And I think that'll do.
Important to always leave them wanting less.
OK.
I shouldn't be mean, Jon was actually bullied at school and to this day he still washes his face in a flushing toilet.
LAUGHTER Look, the bigger boys are laughing at you.
And Jon's team-mate this evening, it's Aisling Bea.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Charming, funny and, dare I say it, easy on the eye.
Aisling is very much Ireland's answer to Sean Lock.
Up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
CHEERING Despite not always winning on Countdown, Sean really throws himself into it.
Like a seagull flying into a patio window.
And joining Sean tonight, it's Reginald D Hunter.
CHEERING Reg first came to the UK to study at RADA.
You may not think Reg has got much of an acting range, but he's actually a 23-year-old white woman from Surrey.
LAUGHTER Reg said he'd only do shitty TV shows if he was having to settle down because his girlfriend was pregnant.
So, I'm guessing congratulations are in order.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's right, Jimmy.
All of them are pregnant.
I'm not.
Maybe after the show we'll see what we can do about that, baby.
So, Reg, have you seen the show before? I have seen a minute or two of it and I warn you in advance that I'm not going to be particularly good at it.
However, if you ever do 8 Out of 10 Cats Meets Call of Duty, I might be your man.
Do you think Countdown would be big if they try to launch it in America? Er no.
You see, over here, comedy audiences will reward a comedian for being clever.
They're like, IN POSH ACCENT: "Oh, that's very clever.
"Very good, it's quite clever.
" But in America when you do clever, they sit there and they go, "Get to the funny part.
" I think if Countdown's too intellectual, then I think 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, I think we're in with a shot.
LAUGHTER Hello, America.
You like things dumbed down? You're welcome.
Sean, if there was anything you wish you could do better, what would it be? I think I'd like to be a less considerate lover.
I never pay attention to my own needs.
I'm always just focused, you know, on the other person's needs.
Do you ever show your sensitive side? Yeah, I've shown it twice.
Once to my wife and another time I slowed down for a horse.
OK, Jon, what did you want to be when you were growing up? I had two things I wanted, one was to win Countdown and the other was a World Wrestling Federation Royal Rumble title.
It's very much one down, one to go, for me.
Look out for Grumble Bum at the next Royal Rumble, making his debut in his little pants.
I think if you were allowed a Taser you've got a chance.
Just walk around and go "BZZZ.
" "AAGGH!" LAUGHTER Aisling, what's your favourite Irish phrase? I have a friend who only speaks in Irish phrases, he just goes STRONG IRISH ACCENT: "Ah, sure listen.
"Look it, sure listen, we'll be grand.
"Sure, a rolling stone gathers no moss.
In ten years' time, "we'll all be dead or laughing at something else.
" And you're kind of like, "Yeah, but I was asking for directions to your house, Sean.
"So, I don't really know.
" "Ah, sure, listen.
Look, too many cooks, you know yourself.
" I also noticed earlier, I noticed you're wearing a very nice jumper with a robin on your sweater.
- Yeah.
- But the way your hair's sort of hanging over the beak, it looks like a potato.
LAUGHTER - Have you got a mascot today? - Yes, I do have a mascot, actually.
I The last time I did this show, I was a little bit nervous, I feel like I lost focus and I wasn't entirely together and so I've been really I've been really trying my hardest and practising with a really supportive, motivating, beatboxing friend, obviously.
MAN BEATBOXES So, you know, just to have him around, he makes me feel better and more confident about myself, he's always testing me on things.
Thanks a million, Ross.
Say, for example, I'll try one now, just give it a go.
Oh, so we're looking for a nine letter on this, possibly.
- Showbizzy? - # Showbizzy, yeah.
# Great.
Good, good, good.
So, let's try another one now.
Oh, God And again, I want to go for nine on this, Susie.
- Beatboxer! - # Ba-ba-ba-beatboxer.
# Oh, brilliant, yeah.
That's great.
Another, now.
Oh, I'm not great with the numbers, Jon.
Do you remember I wasn't very good with numbers, at all? Let me just see.
50 plus 50 plus 50 plus 50 plus 50 plus 50 TOGETHER: 300! - Aww! - HE CONTINUES BEATBOXING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, I almost forgot.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH Just keeps me confident, you know.
He's a great guy, fair play to him.
I love it.
Jon, have you got a mascot this evening? A bit like, Aisling, really.
It's more of a motivational device.
So, I've brought these selection of chillies with me and any time I do not score points in a round, I will eat a chilli.
AUDIENCE: O-o-o-h! - The whole chilli? - I mean, not the green bit.
So, you'll eat all of the red bit of that? Can we choose which chilli? You can choose the chilli, Sean.
Because it ain't going to happen.
- How are you with spicy food? - Hate it.
I tend to be instantly sick, unless it goes down, in which case, more of a problem tomorrow.
- OK, fine.
Let's definitely do that.
Reg, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
His name is Pimbleton LAUGHTER .
.
and he's been with me for over three decades now, and he mean a lot to me and erm I wish I had something more clever or funny or witty to say about him, but I wouldn't disrespect him like that.
- How long have you and Pimbleton been together? - For a long time, baby.
- For a long time.
- How did you make THAT sound sexy? Anyone can do that, though.
- I say the same thing, it'd sound sexy.
- Go on.
- Go on.
NASAL VOICE: For a long time, baby.
Ughugh.
LAUGHTER AND WOLF WHISTLES And, Sean, have you got a mascot this evening? I've given up on the whole mascot thing, obviously makes no difference.
So, I'm just using this as a place to display a lot of my ingenuity.
Like, solve problems.
And I think a problem that's looming up for many of us, not just in this country, in many countries, a really serious problem is well, it's the problem of drinking at the Qatar World Cup.
It's something that keeps me awake at night, that you can go to a match and you won't be able to access alcohol in any form whatsoever.
And I've come up with a couple of solutions.
First, I think a very good way to get alcohol into a stadium in a country where it's going to be 45 degrees, is in suntan lotion.
Factor 50? No, 50%.
You just open that up like that.
Agh - It's a lively one.
- Yeah, it's a lively one, that is.
I hope I know who filled this.
There we go, that's it.
Ugh And then, I thought to myself, you're in the stadium and we all know the pleasure and fun that can be had from a drinking hat.
Sure.
Lovely drinking hat.
But would they allow drinking hats? Well, they will allow drinking hats under these circumstances Let's take a look at this So, it's a drinking hat, like that and it comes with a very discreet LAUGHTER But you could say, I've got a very bad asthma and I need oxygen.
I like the idea in 50 degrees you'll be wearing a woollen bobble hat.
It's to play Countdown.
OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner it's Holly Walsh.
APPLAUSE - OK, now, you went on Celebrity Mastermind - Yeah.
- .
.
your specialist subject was, I believe, badgers.
- Yeah.
Erwhy? Well, when I was six, I was obsessed with badgers.
I just didn't think about anything else other than badgers and then when someone said to me when I was Were you raised by badgers? .
.
then when they asked me, aged 31, or whatever, "Oh, what would your specialist subject be?" I was like, "Badgers, of course.
" But I hadn't thought about badgers for What's 31 minus? For that many years.
25! LAUGHTER And he's been drinking.
With Holly this evening is, of course, Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie, how do you unwind after a hard day's counting down? Erm Well, there is something that Rachel and I do - and I blame Rachel entirely for this.
- Oh, awesome.
- Rachel introduced me to this website - Oh, that one.
.
.
it's basically, you know, we love cats and we quite like men, so, it's poses of men and cats.
- And I've brought you the calendar actually, Rachel.
- RACHEL: Oh.
Show you here, this is the kind of thing we look at.
- What else can I show you? Ooh, there you go.
- Oh, wow.
- It's just what? It's half a sexy man - Yeah, it's amazing.
It's got something for everyone, as long as you like men or cats.
Oh, that's the best one.
Stay on that one.
That's like the weirdest ever hold-up.
That is hot stuff.
I'm loving it.
Aww See, it's amazing.
JON: Do they never make the men do what the cat decides to do? Like, one of a man just licking his underarm or Or shitting in a park? That is pretty good.
And in charge of the numbers, it is Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE WOLF WHISTLES Now, Rachel, if you go out with friends for dinner, do they always expect you to divide the bill? Erm On my birthday last year, my friend decided it was a treat for me, so I didn't have to divide the bill.
But we accidentally left a 25% tip.
Because it turns out no-one else can do maths drunk.
- Have you ever done Countdown drunk? - Ierm AUDIENCE GASPS How many? There was one time when Nick moved the filming, so we were actually filming on a Sunday and the night before one of my best friends got married, so I probably was still a little bit drunk from the night before.
- But I could still do the numbers, it was fine.
- Sure.
(She's an alcoholic).
OK.
Tonight, the prize the teams will be competing for is this the Countdown tool belt.
AUDIENCE: Woo! I don't know if you can see the wood there, it's pretty impressive.
That would be more impressive if there was a tiny cat doing the same thing.
OK.
Let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game, Sean and Reg, your turn to pick the letters.
- Vowel, please.
- Thank you, Sean.
- No worries.
U Consonant, please, Rachel.
L Vowel.
I MIMICKING REG'S VOICE: Consonant.
Vowel.
A Consonant.
R Consonant.
Q Are you writing any of these down? LAUGHTER It's a tip, it's just a tip.
I'll have another consonant, please.
F And a vowel.
And the last one another U.
OK, and the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
BRASS BAND PLAY CLOCK MUSIC CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Jon, what have you got? - A six.
- Aisling? - Five.
- Reg? - I got seven.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! - Sean? - Five.
OK, Aisling, your five? - ErTRAIL.
- TRAIL? - Yeah.
Is TRAIL a word? Yes, it is.
- Sean, your five? - FRAIL.
Is FRAIL a word? Yes, it is.
Jon, your six? - RITUAL.
- Ooh! Is RITUAL a word? Yes, it is.
- And, Reg, your seven? - FARTILU.
LAUGHTER FARTILU? How you spelling FARTILU? F-A-R-T-I-L-U And the definition of FARTILU? You know the people who invented a Portaloo? Well, Fartilu A Fartilu was their first attempt.
- Is it in the dictionary? - It's not there, I wish it was.
What the hell kind of dictionary are you using? LAUGHTER That's great, because I genuinely shit my pants when you said seven.
Oooh So, you've avoided a chilli, Jon.
And six points to you.
Holly, Susie, could they have done any better? Well, ARTFUL, that was the other six.
Right, OK.
So, at the end of that Jon and Aisling are in the lead with six points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Onto our first numbers round.
OK, Jon and Aisling your time to pick numbers.
- After you - Oh, thank you, Jon.
Could I have two big ones, please? - And four little ones? - Oh, yeah.
Oryeah.
- yeah.
It's harder with two little ones, but I kind of want to see Jon eat some chillies.
No, let's not let's not play around.
But is it just if you just don't score the max or have you just got to lose? We'll discuss the wording if and when.
OK, right.
We've got Another 8.
This could be hard.
And 75.
And 50.
And the target - 985.
OK, the time starts now.
No-one distract Jon, make sure Jon focuses here.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
LAUGHTER No, it's OK.
You've still got 15 seconds, Jon.
- Jon, you've got ten seconds.
- Fuck off.
- Take it easy, Jon.
Sean, for love of God, get this.
I don't have a chance.
OK.
Jon, did you get it? No.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Aisling, are you there to save him? - I Um - If no-one else gets it right.
- What did you get? I got 750.
OK, right.
I see what's happened there.
Reg, did you get it? No, no.
As a matter of fact I didn't even come reasonably close.
- Sean? - I got 975, I think.
975, that'll be close enough.
- How did you do that? - Well I - Why, what did you get, Jon? Well, I got 989.
It's a bit late for that, innit? All right, Sean, show us how you did it.
9 - 8 = 1 9 - 8 = 1 Er 50 ÷ 8 50 over What? You're not allowed fractions.
- Doesn't 8 go into 50, then? - No.
LAUGHTER - No, it's - Nobody said you can't have fractions.
LAUGHTER 6 1/4 - Thank you very much.
- Jon, you could not be safer, dude.
I feel like I've eaten one.
I'm on fire.
Hang on a sec, does 9 go into 50? 10 goes into 50, doesn't it? That's it.
That's 5.
- 5 + 8 - Plus Yeah, yeah.
- .
.
is 13.
- 13.
- Times 75.
- Times 75975.
- That's it.
APPLAUSE OK.
So, that's five points for Sean.
Now, Jon, you said you didn't get it, so you can't declare after that, is the rules.
- You didn't ask me what I got though.
You asked me, "did you get it?" - And you said no.
And therefore you offered me no opportunity to tell you what I had.
So, you pigeonholed me.
Maybe you should just man up and eat a chilli, Jon.
AUDIENCE: Woo! - Oh, fuck.
- Sean, would you like to? Would you care to pick a chilli? I'll just do it like this, I won't look.
I'll do it like lucky dip.
Here you go, that one.
Oh! LAUGHTER - OK.
Just in one, I think.
- I'd wipe it and your arm before you - Does that kill the power of it, does it? - Yeah.
No, it's just Sean hasn't washed his hands.
AUDIENCE: Oh - AISLING: Oh, Jon - You got a lovely bit of chilli left there.
Jon, come on.
Seriously, don't waste it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How are you feeling, Jon? - Rachel, could that be done? - I've got a lot of ways for one away, but I've no idea if it can be done.
Oh, well, come and eat your chilli.
- I'm not even joking, come and eat your chilli.
- I have to eat a chilli? How bad is it, Jon? HOARSE: I'll talk again later.
- OK, Russian roulette.
- This one.
- The interesting thing about it Do you eat the whole thing? The interesting thing about it is that it gets worse.
LAUGHTER It starts off all right, and then it just progressively deteriorates.
Yeah, that'll be fine.
You'll probably be fine.
It'll be really good LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH SEAN: Hard as nails, isn't she? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
- Holly, what have you got for us? - Well, I don't know if you know this about me, Jimmy, but I'm actually quite a prude and I find it very awkward talking about sex.
I've always been like this.
When I was a teenager, I think the closest I came to having sex was when I was doing lengths in the local pool and a man butterflied over me.
Buterm I lost my virginity very late in the end, to the point or when it finally happened I wasn't so much deflowered as deadheaded.
LAUGHTER I I think part of it is because I'm British.
I think it's because we're not very good at talking about sex.
Not like the Americans.
Look at the Americans and those guys have nailed it.
Like, Reg, look at the sporting analogy that you guys use.
You've got the American base system.
We've all seen high school movies, you know, first base - a bit of French kissing.
Second base - a bit of upstairs, downstairs.
Third base - the old pink recorder.
Then the full home run.
That's the American sporting analogy for sex.
But when I look at that Er.
- What's yours? - Erm The first base is kissing.
Second base is rubbing a woman's breasts.
Third base is being able toermerm give her the four fingers of fury.
LAUGHTER Why, Mr Hunter, you're making me blush.
- The FOUR fingers of fury? - Yeah, the triple Fs.
- Forefinger of fury, baby.
- Oh, the forefinger? I thought you were saying "four fingers.
" APPLAUSE Oh, well, that's OK then.
Now, Holly, for someone who's just said "I'm a little bit British and prudish", I imagine you have comments to make.
I don't think the British can deal with that system, I think that's a bit too full-on for us.
Well, yeah.
Cos y'all like rounders So, of course, yeah.
I think if we had to have a sporting analogy for sex, it'd probably be - the British cross-country running system.
- Really? That's 42 different checkpoints over rough terrain.
LAUGHTER And it starts withmeet in a kitchen at a crap party.
Obligatory Game of Thrones chat.
Extensive background check, Google.
Look through every single photo of them online.
See them with their arm around a person in a photo from 2009.
Develop irrational hatred of that person.
Like photo by mistake.
Cringe.
Then, up to 12, you're just trying really hard to play it cool.
Try hard not to think about them.
13, download an album they've mentioned in passing.
18, listen to album on repeat and imagine your wedding.
19, get their number off a friend.
21, compose text.
22, send text.
23, realise text sounds psychotic.
24, cringe.
It's not till 26 that you actually meet.
And then it's just wine, wine, wine, wine wine.
Snog.
Jager bomb.
Sexy times.
Apologise.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Holly Walsh.
The scores at the moment, Sean and Reg have five, Jon and Aisling in the lead with six.
And here is your teaser.
The words areI AM IN REG.
The clue is This is really painful.
That's, I AM IN REG.
This is really painful.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to our teaser The words were I AM IN REG and the clue was - this is really painful.
It was, of course, MIGRAINE.
OK, time to mix things up a little bit.
They have been playing in teams, but this game is just for Sean and Aisling.
So, Aisling, your turn to choose the letters.
A consonant, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Aisling.
Can I get a vowel, please? - I.
- Then, can I get another vowel? A And another vowel.
- E.
- Oh, thought I was going to go TIA MARIA.
Then, a consonant again, please.
N A vowel, please.
O One more vowel.
U Then a consonant.
R And another consonant.
And the last one, T.
OK.
Your time starts now.
What have you got? LAUGHTER - I have got five.
- Sean, how did you do? - Same.
Five.
Let's hear your five, Sean.
INTRO INTRO - Can we have INTRO, Susie? - You can have INTRO.
- OK.
Aisling? - I got TONER.
- Ooh! 5 points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Could they have done any better? There are two sevens you could have got.
- TAUREAN.
- Like a bull.
- Like a bull.
- And ROUTINE.
- Oh, man! I had ROUTE.
I just didn't get Horrible feeling, isn't it? Leaves you feeling empty inside.
At the end of that, Sean and Reg have 10.
Jon and Aisling still lead, with 11! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time for Reg and Jon to go head-to-head.
So, Reg, it's your turn to pick the numbers.
Give me a 12.
LAUGHTER Give me one from the bottom and then two in the middle there.
LAUGHTER I want cheese and tomatoes.
No LAUGHTER Two from the top.
- Two from the top.
- Then give me one more bad boy from the bottom.
Right, for this round, we have got 2, 8, 1.
And the large ones, and 75.
And the target And your time starts now.
The target was 360.
Reg, did you get it? Uh, no.
I didn't get that.
LAUGHTER - What DID you get, Reg? - Oh, are we playing that fucking rule now? APPLAUSE Someone's a little bit emotional.
The chilli has just hit my emotional region.
I'm on fire.
What did you get, Reg? I came in with 280.
LAUGHTER Jon, how did you do? I got 360.
ALL: Ooh! How did you get it? Oh-oh HE BURPS LAUGHTER Aisling's been taken out by fumes.
That felt so good! 6 + 1 = 7 6 + 1 = 7 x 50 + 8 + 2 - Yep.
- Well done.
360.
So, 10 points to Jon.
And no chilli.
Time to go again to Dictionary Corner.
What have you got, Holly? Well, my two favourite things in life are real ale and medieval art.
I'm a beardy weirdy, trapped in the face of a young Mary Berry.
That is uncanny.
Shall I tell you what I love about medieval art? I love medieval manuscripts, so being in Dictionary Corner is the best place in the world for me.
I love them because there is this thing called marginalia.
This is true, I am not making it up.
Basically, it is what happened in the margins in these really famous old books.
Let me give you an example.
Here is a picture of Alexander the Great, playing chess with a bunch of aristocrats.
"So far, so dull," I am sure you are thinking.
But what if I told you that, for absolutely no reason, another monk had somewhat ruined the moment, by drawing a picture of a man with a finger up his arsehole? LAUGHTER That's a genuine? This is a genuine This is from 1350.
This is what these monks They were awesome.
They used to sit in their libraries and nunneries and monasteries, doing these important old manuscripts and when they got bored, they'd say, "Yeah, let's draw a picture "of a man bumming an arrow.
" Or playing the fart trumpet.
But my personal favourite is these nuns visiting a penis tree.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Holly Walsh! The scores at the moment, Sean and Reg have 10, and Jon and Aisling have 21.
And here is your teaser.
The words are NEAT SHI and the clue is - just go for it.
NEAT SHIT - just go for it.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NEAT SHIT, and the clue was, just go for it.
It was of course, HESITANT.
Before we go on, he doesn't work here any more, but he keeps turning up, ladies and gentlemen, it's Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What's going on, Joe? Er, I'll tell you what's going on, Jimmy, is you fired me .
.
so to make a bit of cash, I've done a bit of a deal, er, got a sponsor for the show.
The show is now sponsored by a banister company.
It's actually my half-brother Fabio's company.
It's called Fabio's Banisters.
He's given me 60 quid and all we have to do is do a little bit of advertising, don't we, sweetheart.
Doubt you'd even notice.
Not a fucking erection in it, you idiot! I said don't have an erection! "I said don't have an erection!" Sorry, Jimmy, he just really likes banisters.
I know what you're thinking, Jimmy, you're thinking, "I've already got a banister.
" Don't be a fucking idiot.
There's lots of things you can use Fabio's banisters for.
For example, why not use a banister as maybe a pepper grinder .
.
and the slat as a pizza slice.
Just little things.
We're going to have to go back a little bit cos I changed the opening sequence for the show, just a tiny bit.
Again, I doubt you'd even notice.
Countdown is sponsored by Fabio's Banisters! Let's play Countdown sponsored by Fabio's Banisters! That's my other half-brother Raoul.
He's sexually active.
OK, on with the game, sponsored by Fabio's Banisters.
Sean and Reg, your turn to choose the letters.
To speed the game on, I've done the letters for the first round.
Using those letters there, Countdown sponsored by Fabio's Banisters.
- Aisling, what have you got? - I've got banisters.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let me just, um, check and see if banisters is up there.
Yes, it's in there.
- Jon, what have you got? - Er, eight.
- I got banister.
- Aw Sean, what have you got? It's incredible cos I got banisters as well.
- And Reg, what have you got? - I'm so sorry.
I failed to take it seriously.
I feel dumb as hell right now, I really do.
Now, you get double points for a nine-letter word, so both teams get 18 points there.
Holly, Susie, could they have done any better? - There was a ten-letter word.
- What was that? - Abstainers.
Is that a record? - That would have been a record.
- Fucking hell, what a game! The weird thing is, they say that sponsorship sometimes ruins TV shows, but it's made it better, It's made a dog-shit show slightly better.
So at the end of that, Jon and Aisling are in the lead with 39.
On to another numbers round.
OK, Jon and Aisling, pick the numbers.
- One big or two big? - Er, two.
I'll do it.
I'll just get ready.
All right, let's do this.
Two big and four small, please.
You're going to have to take over, I do not understand! - You were invaluable as usual, Joe.
- I did me best.
Two big ones and four little ones.
- Are you at least going to do the sum? - Er, yeah, if you like.
Great.
- The numbers are 3, 8, 4, 2 - Why are you putting them up there? .
.
and 50 I don't know why you got fired, Joe.
.
.
and 100.
Your attitude.
LAUGHTER OK, your time starts now.
- Aisling, did you get it? - Do you know? Oh, my God, I got it! - I have gotten it.
- I have never made a woman do that before.
Yeah.
I've gotten it.
I don't want to be Mr Piss On The Fun, but did you get it using that sum there? - What happened? - I didn't get it.
Aisling, what happened? Talk us through - Oh, who knows what happened?! - I do! I do! I got to 900 and What did I get to? You got to 900 and you took 24 off and instead of 876, you thought it was 986.
I just saw what I wanted to see.
Like many women with hope.
And I ruined it, like so many women with hope.
- Jon, did you get it? - No, I got I got something else, Jimmy.
988.
- Sean, did you get it? - I got 983.
- Reg, did you get it? - 936.
Pretty good.
You're getting much better.
- Jon, how did you get 988? - 8 plus 2 is 10, times 100, minus 4 times 3.
APPLAUSE - Rachel, could it be done? - You could have 3 minus 2 is 1, plus 8 is 9.
100 plus 4 is 104.
Times them together is 936 and add on 50.
What the fuck! - Why have you got a tiara on? - Oh, I forgot I was still wearing it.
Just had a bath.
I wear it in the bath.
The scores at the moment, Sean and Reg have 28 and Jon and Aisling have 46.
And here's your final teaser.
The words are I SPY MILF, the clue is, the easier the better.
I SPY MILF, the easier the better.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were I SPY MILF.
The clue was - the easier the better.
It was, of course, SIMPLIFY.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Aisling, your turn to choose the letters.
- Jon, will we do half and half? - Yes.
UhOK.
LAUGHTER Joe, you can't smoke on television.
Did you just inhale bubbles? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Joe, what just happened there? I was meant to blow and I forgot.
OK, pick your letters.
Rachel, can I get a whoop-whoop? Just a joke there, lads, no big deal.
May I have a vowel, please? - That's my section.
- Thank you, Joe.
Eee! - A consonant, please.
- I'll go with that one.
- Over to you.
- G.
- A vowel, please.
- If this vowel is a G, you've got EGG.
Another consonant, please.
D A consonant, Rachel.
S EGADS? And a vowel, please.
Ooo, EGADSI! LAUGHTER EGADSI, for seven.
Then one consonant, please, Rachel.
- That's only six.
- Shut up! - EGADSIT! - LAUGHTER A vowel, please.
EGADSITO! Then one more vowel, please, Joe.
One more vowel EGADSITOE! The "e" is silent! OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! APPLAUSE Jon, what have you got? Er, six.
- Aisling? - I have six.
- Reg? - Five.
- Sean? - Six.
- Er, Reg, what was your five? Just EGADS.
LAUGHTER OK, Sean, your six? I went for STAGED, Jimmy.
STAGED.
I could have had TEASED.
SEDATE Er, Jon, your six? SEATED Aisling, your six? I got SEDATE.
Oh, for fuck's sake! LAUGHTER OK, so six points to both teams! APPLAUSE - Could they have done any better? - They could have gone eight.
- Oh, my God! - Yeah.
- What was the eight? And it was really hard, as well.
GODETIAS.
It's a flower.
From the deep south of America.
Like you.
- I'm a flower from the deep south of America? - LAUGHTER - Thank you, baby.
- See, I can do it back to you.
- I appreciated that.
- I think you'd like me better if I explained baseball to you.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER OK, Sean and Reg have 34, Jon and Aisling have 52.
Fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
LAUGHTER - BUZZER - Jon? - Is it BUMPINESS? - AISLING GASPS Let's have a look.
- APPLAUSE - Yes, it is.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - With two seconds to go! So the final scores are, Sean and Reg have 34 but tonight's winners, by a huge margin with 62, Jon and Aisling! Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of this Countdown Tool Belt.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night!