Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s05e03 Episode Script

1 And, go! Ahhhhhh! That's right, get in.
Get those sport bras off! Come on, use your fingers! I can't, I can't! Ahhhhh! Why are they so hard to get off?! Don't get hung up on the straps! Don't be intimidated! So many hooks! There's like a lot of metal! It's like my boobs are one long sausage! Over the head, over the head! That's right, you're a snake losing its skin! - That's so many hooks! - Ahh! Oh my God, my scapula, oh, oh.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay, it's okay.
Oh gosh my hand is stuck.
You're going to have to go to work with me.
- Again? - Yeah come on.
Citizens of Gosham, the battle was long and epic but I defeated Dr.
Turmoil's evil plan and the city is safe once more! - Sorry, wait.
Is it though? - Sorry, what? I mean, I know you defeated Dr.
Turmoil and everything but did you address any of the underlying social problems that made her evil in the first place? - Mhm.
- Ah, sorry, no.
I-I just did a good thing, you know.
Yeah, but your fight destroyed half the city, the infrastructure is fucked.
How am I going to get to work? Well you know what, the sun's still up in the sky so let's focus on that.
Yeah but global warming is still a thing, no? Yeah.
Well it wouldn't be if she let me blow up the sun.
- I mean, I'm just saying.
- That's a good point.
And I'm just saying that I solved a real big problem here, so.
Yeah but you didn't though, you did a band aid solution.
- Exactly.
- It's true.
I will re-offend, I-I really will.
I mean, the world has some serious problems right now and I don't know, I don't have a lot of faith in putting all our eggs in one hero basket in order to save us.
Well I am actually part of a larger collective of heroes and sometimes we assemble to fight crime.
And shoot lasers out of your eyes.
Yeah, we know, our tax dollars got raised to fill in the smoking crater.
- (IN UNISON) Yeah! - Hey! We killed Godzilla! He was an endangered species and you made him extinct.
- He was a monster! - With atomic breath that we could have harnessed as an alternate fuel source.
Yeah! Can't we all just like band together and save ourselves? - What a great idea! - In this band together scenario, - do we all get to wear capes? - Ah, no, no, no, capes are my thing, you gotta earn the cape.
Hey, hey, hey, I can hook you up with a cape if you want.
I know a guy, they are made by children in a sweatshop - Sweatshops.
- But the price point is excellent.
Well, you know, that's okay.
I would take a cape and we can solve the sweatshop thing later.
- I'm down.
- I'll get you a cape.
- (CHANTING) We want a cape! - We want a cape! - Shut up! Hey! - I'm selling them a cape! Okay you know what, go home and I'm going to put this one in jail so just Five bucks a cape! Oh my God.
Ahh.
I look good.
I look good.
Ahh! Girl, the dating apps are so bleak.
It is so hard to meet people of your calibre, you know.
- You know what you need to do? - What? You need to get garbage people.
(GASPS) Is that that super exclusive dating app that you need an invite to join? I'll invite you.
- It's awesome.
- Really? It's totally worth it.
I mean, it's pricey but it's worth it.
Is it worth it? I mean, what's so amazing about it? Well it just cuts through all the bullshit of like those normal losers, and matches actual garbage people with other actual garbage people.
Oh my God.
Do you think I could join? I mean, I do peddle weight loss tea to my high school friends on Facebook.
Yeah, that's a good start.
I mean, I did a hit and run on a dog, and I was accepted the same day.
Oh, oh, there it is.
(GASPS) Oh my God look at this, - social media influencers.
- Yeah.
- Condo Developers.
- Yeah, actors.
- Hedge fund managers.
- Oh, more condo developers.
Vaping competitors.
Endangered species trophy hunters.
- Music producers.
- Oh my God.
There's a premium vodka rep! - This is amazing! - Yeah, totally.
I mean, anyone with any sense of empathy or compassion, who earns like an honest living has been weeded out, girl.
It is only premium garbage people.
Oh, it is just so hard to find actual garbage people these days.
I know, I know, right.
Oh my God, check it out.
Okay, here's a model scout, and he's offering to take free nude photos - of girls under 25.
- Oh my God, swiping right.
- So generous, right.
- Yeah.
Oh my God, the Fire Festival guys.
Oh, he has a really good mind for business.
- He does.
- Yeah, so anyway, he's banned from keeping live chickens in the city.
- Oooh.
- Yeah.
Oh hey, you know, I've been meaning to ask you, why do you have tape on your webcam? Oh, well I read this article that said the government or hackers or-or whoever, can hack into your computer and watch you through your own camera.
- Oh my God.
- Mhm.
That is super creepy.
- Ew.
- Yeah just cover that up.
I'm just going to take this little post it and there we go, ah, geez.
Better safe than sorry.
Yeah, that gives me the willies.
- Ahhh.
- Mhm.
What the hell is going on?! Our surveillance, it;;; It just went black, it's down.
Well get them back up.
- I can't! - What? - I can't! - What?! She She's put tape on her webcam.
Shit.
Pull up all the data logs.
What do we got on her so far? Okay.
We have a lot of her from this angle.
She's doing a lot of this.
And then, uh, we have her learning a, uh, Beyoncé dance, it's a solid four out of ten.
Dammit! It's not enough to indict her.
- Dammit! - And we're back up! Oh! Back up everybody! Oh, whoopsies.
Oooh.
- Bye.
- Get it back on there.
Phew.
And we're down again.
We're down again, so.
Ahhhh, damn.
Amanda Brown, is off the grid.
It is so soothing because you can Oh my God, Marla, oh my friggin' God! - What's wrong? - I forgot your birthday.
Fuuuck! Oh, I'm not a birthday person.
- Well I am, Marla.
- Oh.
I am.
I'm going to make this up to you.
I feel like a frozen turd dipped in gasoline and lit on fire.
You wait and see what I'm going to do.
Everybody! - No need to, no I - Just wait, wait.
Everybody, it's Marla's birthday.
Okay, meet me in the parking lot, we're going to have a meeting, chop, chop, we're going to get it together.
Happy birthday, get up, get up, come on, to you.
Get your hats on.
Get your friggin' hats on.
Happy birthday Jonathan! To you.
Happy birthday, everybody, come on, hurry up! Birthday dear Marla, come on, come on, come on, come on! Happy birthday to you.
Harmony, you! - Harmony, you! - Thank you.
Jonathan, you! (IN UNISON) You.
Thank you.
This is so sweet of everybody.
Happy birthday, Arlam.
Oh my God, Jonathan, I'll never suck your dick in the hallway again.
Never mind that, never mind that.
Okay, here we go, ready? Are you one, are you two? - I'm 44.
- Are you three? Are you four? Kick you in the tit on your birthday! What? What? Whaat? I'm going to kick you in your tit.
- Don't kick-don't kick me at all! - It's-it's for a birthday tradition.
- Where are you from? - Uh, Nova Scotia.
Are you eight? Are you nine? Are you ten? Balloon animal.
This one's an octopus.
Are those condoms? Yeah, they're Jonathan's.
Jonathan's got a lot of condoms.
Are you fourteen? Are you fifteen? I like this flavour, don't I Jon? Strawberry.
Are you twenty-two? Are you twenty-three? Oh my God, what happened to your face? I'm a juggling clown.
Are you twenty-six? Are you twenty-seven? - Oh.
- Shit.
Oh my God, Jonathan.
No more blow jobs, no more butt play, no more cunnilingus, you're fired.
- You're not my boss.
- I am the boss of cunnilingus.
I made ya a bouncy castle.
Yeah.
Are you forty? Oh, no no, finish it! - Blow out the candles! - Step right up, come and get your birthday pony ride, Marla! Come ride on the pony's back.
It's Jonathan, I couldn't get a real pony.
But, step right up.
Blow out the candle! Okay, go.
Go pony.
I'm the sound effects.
Hey isn't it, uh, your birthday tomorrow? Will you shut your mouth.
Okay, yeah, my turn.
Neigh.
Ah! - What's that? - Oh, this is the bear box.
We put our supplies in it so the campsite doesn't attract bears.
Normally we load it up before bedtime but if you've got any food you want to chuck in Yeah, yeah, yeah get the beef jerky, do you have the beef jerky here 'cause I don't got it on me.
Ah, yeah.
I'm good.
Put it in.
And then if you've got any scented soaps, or sprays or lotions.
Guys, I'm putting the shampoo in if you're looking for it.
- Get your eczema cream out.
- Yeah.
- Do you have your hemorrhoid cream? - Yeah.
Do you have your toe fungus cream? - I left that at home.
- Okay.
Also bears are really attracted to the odour associated with menstruation so if you any of you are on your period Seriously? Yeah, sorry Nicole, in the box.
Oh my God.
- This sucks.
- Yeah.
I mean, at least you have a longer average lifespan because Fuck you Gary, you're a piece of shit.
Okay, sorry.
Yep.
Does anybody have any pads or tampons I could be here in here for a while? Ah, those granola bars are pretty absorbent, might work in a pinch.
I don't think chocolate's gonna soak up what I've got going on.
I've got a Kleenex.
This is crumpled up but I haven't used it.
I am over 40, what is this going to soak up? That's not going to do - Take the pack.
- Okay, we'll see- Just put a drainage hole in the bottom, I don't want to drown in my own blood.
Okay have fun.
I wish I was a woman and Don't sleep with Jenna when I'm in the box.
Okay.
Oh.
Nice and safe from the bears.
Okay, who wants to go for a hike? Sure, yeah.
Gary, I mean it.
If you sleep with Jenna, I'll know.
I'll be able to smell it.
I'm like a Goddamn bear.
It was so embarrassing.
I was talking to my boss and I just forgot his name.
Has that ever happened to you? Where you've known somebody for years and you just blank? Yes, yes.
Yeah I did it right to my cousin's face one time.
- I was like, ah.
Yeah, yeah.
- That's the worst.
It's like those little things that are like scary but totally normal.
Totally normal.
- Totally normal.
- Yeah.
Or like that thing when like an eagle comes down and steals your baby and like, takes it from the stroller and like flies away.
(IN UNISON) What? You know, you know that thing where like an eagle swoops down and sort of unbuckles the straps with its-its talons and then, and then carries your, um, carries your baby away? - What are you talking about? - Yeah.
You know, like that totally normal thing when the eagle swoops down, takes your baby, raises it as its own, and brings it back to you when it's like, you know, four years old and cool.
I-I don't know what it is that you're trying to say here? Oh I'm just saying that, you know, how babies, like they're kind of boring until they're about four and they don't really do much so you - No, no, not that part.
- Oh.
Mary, did an eagle steal your baby? (SOFTLY) No.
Okay.
No! No! Good.
But if it did, like in a court of law the mother wouldn't be found liable, right? Like a judge isn't going to convict you, are they? You know, if an eagle just soars into the sky and you just kind of stand by and, and watch? What? You know, because your hands are tied, right, because the eagle is an endangered bird, right.
So you can't like punch an eagle, I mean, that would be a crime, like oh no, don't take my baby! It's like, hands off the eagle, bitch.
Anyway, so you just sort of stand idly by while the eagle, you know, soars into the sky with your son and you just kind of watch in horror but also with like a weird sense of admiration for the majesty of nature.
I honestly can't tell if you're planning something, or this is a joke.
- It sounds like a joke.
- Yeah.
- It's a joke.
I'm joking! - Okay.
Judging by the expressions on your face this is totally a joke.
- Alright.
Okay.
- A joke.
- Woo, woo! - Great.
Let's change the subject, let's change the subject.
- Completely.
- Good one.
Let's say a bird of prey stole a baby, okay.
Would it eat the baby, or do you think it would just raise it on its own? - Mary, an eagle took your baby.
- I need to know what has happened because if an eagle took your baby, you need to tell somebody.
If you're just bored with your baby, and you gave it away to somebody that's a whole different thing.
Because you seem to have this thing with age of four - and how boring your baby is - Well its just, they kind of are - Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
It's your baby.
What? Oh my God.
Yeah, that's not my baby, yeah.
What? No, ah, normal thing it can happen, you know.
You win some, you lose some, but that's-that's definitely not my baby.
Well geez Louise, Mary, I'm so sorry I doubted you.
Yeah, I'm sorry Mary.
Damn, I feel like a jerk.
Ugh.
Don't worry it's my baby.
Oh.
I just thought the eagle would bring it back, you know, when she was four and cool.
- Ah, I'm sorry.
- No luck with the eagle.
Oh wow.
Yeah, I'd-I'd take it from you but I'm just not a baby person.
You have a baby.
Oh right.
Forgot about that.
Yeah it was like a crazy relationship and there was Oh my God.
Hey lady, what's up? - Are you okay? - Oh, yeah, yeah, I just spoke to my sister, she's looking for a babysitter for tonight and I told her I was sick, but actually I'm just going to go home and order Uber Eats and rewatch "A Dog's Purpose".
Am I a bad person? Oh no of course you're not a bad person.
Are you kidding me? No way.
No no, I think I'm a terrible person.
- No I'm terrible.
- No, no, no, no, no.
No, everyone deserves a night to themselves.
Don't you beat yourself up, okay.
- Okay, okay thanks guys.
- No problem.
You made me feel a lot better, appreciate it.
- Anytime.
- 'Kay, thank you.
- Enjoy the film.
- Thank you.
I mean, there's nothing wrong with using mix it's just that if you I don't know, well, I mean, I'm not judging but re - it's better without the mix.
- True.
Have you seen my cupcake? - It was right here.
- Oh no.
No, no I haven't seen it, no.
- I mean, it sucks.
- Yeah.
Oh, sorry babe.
So I'll just eat these dumb olives.
Oh that does suck.
She was probably looking forward to that.
Okay, I took the cupcake.
- Hm? - What? - Am I a bad person? - Ah I know, I know, I know, I know.
I know, I shouldn't have done it.
I just saw it there and it looked so good and I wanted it.
Oh God! Am I a bad person? Well I mean I mean, it's not that - Bad.
- Big a deal - Oh, you think? - Yeah, sure-sure.
- You sure? - Ehhh.
- I guess.
- Okay.
Oh! Oh, um, excuse me.
Ooh.
I know.
What? I know, I know, we're both married but Ron and I are in a rut, and Tim has such a cute butt.
Am I a bad person? Well the situation is complicated.
Well personally, you know.
Oh, I am, I'm a bad person, ugh.
Maybe think about your actions going forward, just Yeah, you're right, you're right.
I am too hard on myself.
I've got to stop beating up on myself.
No, no, that's not what we're saying.
Oh guys, thank you for your support.
I love you.
Oh just, yeah, you can do that because then it's like you get a graded Oooh my WTF, Mika.
OMG.
Okay so I embezzled millions from our pension fund.
- Am I a bad person? - Yes! Yes you're a bad person, you're a monster! - You're human garbage.
- You're bad! Yeah you're right, I'm pretty bad.
Well, catch you later.
Pretty bad, like super bad, like big time bad.
- Classified? - What happened to poor Mika? - She ate your cupcake.
- That piece of shit.
Oh Georgia, what's going on with you? Tell us about your new man.
Ooooh, well, no it's going really well I think but I am a little bit freaked out by the age difference.
'Cause he's sixteen years older than I am.
- Oh.
- Is that gross? I mean, when he was a sophomore in high school, - I was in diapers.
- Oh yeah right, right, yeah yeah.
And then when he went to college and he was like going to parties and getting high and sleeping with people, I was still in diapers.
Oh right, yeah yeah.
Yeah, yeah and then when he was having his first divorce, you were like in what, grade ten.
And still in diapers, yes.
And, now he's sixty whereas I am still young and fresh and in diapers.
I mean, is that gross? Aaah, no, no no no, no, no.
No being incontinent is completely Oh no, I'm not incontinent, I'm just lazy.
I-I hate the walking back and forth, it just seems like a waste of time.
Oh.
Yep.
That's gross.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh by the way, I still have those pants you lent me.
- Keep em, you can keep them.
- Ah.
Oh wow, you had asparagus, oh wow.
I sure did.
I caught it, I caught it there right in the face.
Shit.
Alright.
Hi Chris! Hi! - Lydia! - Hi Chris.
Oh my God, what the What the fuck are you doing here? What do you think I'm doing here? I'm trying to survive the zombie apocalypse.
What are you doing here? I told you this was-this was my hideout if the zombies ever attacked.
I know, it's really good.
I love it.
That's why I'm here.
- Solid concrete structure.
- Yeah, I know.
Also it's climate controlled so the fires can't get in here.
- Yeah, I know.
- Guess what else? Free wi-fi! Oh my God, you have no sense of boundaries.
You were like this in our relationship, and you're like this now.
You know what, you have to leave here.
Go! What? Oh my God, no! - No I'm not leaving! - Yes! Why, why do I got to leave? Why? Because you got my Le Creuset dutch oven in the breakup and now you're going to take my zombie hideout.
I swear to God, I worked in this shitty call centre in the 90s.
I can't even look at you because you're so territorial! - Oh I'm so territorial? - I'm embarrassed by you! - I'm territorial? - Check yourself! - Faster! - I am going faster! Slow down.
No, you've got to hurry up.
Oh my God, look, it's your desk.
Maybe our picture's still there.
Honestly, you have to go faster.
I'm going as fast as I can.
- Are you wearing flip flops? - They're fashion flip flops.
Yeah those are fashion flip flops! They're new.
Honestly.
Listen, not everybody has time to pack a bug out bag! Okay fine, fine, okay we're going to go this way.
You know what, why do you always get to pick which way we go? Are-are you fucking kidding me right now? - No I'm not kidding at all! - Fine, where would you like to go? - Which way would you like to go? - I would like to go the way, which way were you were thinking of going? That's the way I want Which way were you thinking of going? This is why we never went to any restaurants that you liked because you never could make a decision.
I made a decision.
My decision was to In here.
Go, go, go, go.
Here.
Alright, here stacks these up.
Here, come on, help me, please, help me.
No, you've got to help me! Here! Oh my God, you're breaking them! - No I'm just (MUMBLING).
- You're yelling at me! Stop yelling at me, stop yelling! I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm just - Okay.
No, no, no no.
- I just want to go home.
Not now, not now, no no, okay, okay you know what? Shh, shh, come, come, come, come, okay, calm down.
It's okay, I'm sorry.
No.
This is why we broke up 'cause we're just so different.
I should have read more and expanded my mind and all that.
No.
And those zombies can break in here and whose brain do you think they're going to eat, yours? Dry and crusty from like reading and like thinking too much.
It's not dry, not a dry brain.
Or like mine, soft and gooey and tender.
I'm a goner.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, look at me.
I've got so much fight in me.
I will fight so hard.
Survival at any cost, do you hear me? Okay, listen, I think, uh, maybe deep down I kinda, I kind of hoped that you'd come here actually.
Here, take her! Yeah, she's got a brain of a Rice Krispy square, No, it's like a seriously tender brain.
I told you I tasted good.
I'm just gonna hide in here while you get eaten.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, this is not a solid plan.