Black-ish (2014) s05e03 Episode Script

1 DRE: It's a fact.
The Johnson family loves Halloween.
We love the decorating the trick-or-treating.
We love the mischief.
But what we love most is showing out in our family costume.
Now, choosing the perfect costume isn't always easy.
Sometimes we're cartoon superheroes.
Sometimes we're real heroes.
But this year, we get to be both.
Because of "Black Panther," we not only own the box office, we own Halloween.
ALL: Wakanda forever! Mm! All right.
Halloween dress rehearsal.
You two need to put on these.
Yeah.
We're not dressing up this year.
But we got Black Panther.
And it took me two hours to do all of this.
And it took me two days to do all of this.
But why are you guys not dressing up? - No one is.
- What? No one in our school's even doing Halloween.
The only thing going on is Cameron Carter's party, and fingers crossed we get invited.
Well, of course you guys are gonna get invited.
Are you kidding me? You're adorbs.
It's very exclusive.
I mean, he only has been giving out two invitations a day, and tomorrow's the last two.
That is so cruel.
Nuh-unh.
That is so cool.
Build the hype.
Then people suck up to you to be a part of that hype.
Then you create the demand for the hype.
Oh, I got to meet this dude Cameron.
It's Cameron Carter.
He's so cool, he has full-name status.
I do not think Cameron Carter is so cool.
Who does he think he is? Look, we don't have time to explain Cameron Carter to you.
- Oh.
Well, she told you.
- Someone's very busy.
My goodness.
- [Chuckles.]
- And so it begins.
- What are you talking about? - Seventh grade.
It's like a blood bath.
You make one mistake, and you're dead.
Like my seventh grade hike to the Falls.
The Falls.
I forgot to put a protein bar in my backpack, and I fainted from exhaustion.
When I awoke, I was being carried by a small girl like we were on our honeymoon in the Poconos.
[Exhales deeply.]
Ladies' man rep gone like that.
You had a ladies' man rep? You don't sweep the math awards and not become a ladies' man.
- Bow - Yeah.
Don't listen to him.
Your son's a weirdo.
The twins, they'll be all right.
No, he's right.
I remember in seventh grade, I washed my hair and I let it air dry.
And my mom, she said I looked like a beautiful African princess.
It didn't dry the way I thought it would.
Sorry, no room Helmet Hair.
Helmet Hair? That's hilarious! No, it's not! Dre, they voted me "Most Likely to Survive a Car Crash.
" - Also hilarious.
- Oh, my God.
You know what Where the hell did you go to middle school, Bow? - The Apollo? - This is serious, Dre.
Seventh grade is hard enough without being excluded from parties.
We need to go talk to the school.
It's just one party that they still might get invited to.
And if they don't, then they'll deal with it.
And how did you deal with being left out in seventh grade? I was the king of seventh grade.
I never took a loss.
Junior, thanks for helping me pick up the dry cleaning.
Those choir robes are heavy.
Yeah, thank you for helping me fill my day.
Gap year is definitely off to a slow start.
You ever feel like you've read the whole Internet? You ever feel like you didn't wash your - face this morning? - I Hey, Miss Ruby.
So good to see you.
Oh, honey, it's good to see you, too.
[Chuckles.]
We are so gonna need your voice tonight.
Oh, well, you know me.
When the Lord calls I come running! Who's this? Niecy, this is my grandson, Junior.
Nice to meet you.
Niecy's our little star.
She's been with us since she was 10 years old.
I poached her from First Faith.
Place fell on the skids after that.
It's an Olive's Garden now.
[Laughs.]
Go, Niecy.
Give him a little taste.
Oh, Happy Day When Jesus washed He washed my sins away Wow.
She's never going secular.
[Chuckles.]
All right, you two little babies chat, okay? But, uh, don't let him bore you talking about that wizard Harvey Porter who fights those hog wars.
[Mutters.]
- It's Harry Potter, Grandma.
- Yeah, yeah.
I haven't read those books in years, so Yeah, me neither.
I actually just re-read them.
Me, too.
They hold up, right? A story for all ages.
Anyway, what's your story? You, uh, go to college on the first try? [Laughs.]
[Sighs loudly.]
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hello, Principal Biggs.
I can't get your kids invited to Cameron Carter's party.
Dang it.
I told her.
Doesn't this school have a rule about everybody getting invited to everything? For elementary kids.
But this is middle school, so it's kill or be killed.
- Mm-hmm.
- What? - That sounds very violent.
- Don't worry, the kids figure it out.
Told her that, too.
Is there anything you can do? Listen, if I could fix middle school for anyone, - I'd go back and fix it for myself.
- Okay.
The summer between sixth and seventh grade, I grew 2 1/2 feet.
- Did you join the league? - They thought I was a teacher.
- What? - Or a Yeti.
That's why I became a teacher.
- Mm-hmm.
- Right.
Okay.
Anyway, my advice is just to stay out of it.
I told her that, too, - but she doesn't listen.
- Dre.
Now, look, Principal Biggs, we'll get out of your way.
You go on and do your job.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
You heard her, Bow.
[Scoffs.]
What do teachers know about children? We need to do something, Dre.
Why? Look at them.
Look at Jack.
He's all cocky, kicking it on top of the table.
- He's - And And look at Diane, ruling the roost.
- She looks pretty.
- Uh-huh.
They are fine, Bow.
Come on.
Let's go.
- Okay.
- CAMERON: Yo! Final invitations! Saved the best for last.
Get over here, you two.
Oh, my God! Yes! - Okay.
Okay.
- See? Winners.
Okay.
- Thank you.
- Whoa, what are you doing? These are for them.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We were We were just excitedly walking this way.
- Yeah, let's just just go.
- Let's go, yeah.
Wait, you thought those were for you? You guys are so thirsty.
Hey, everybody! Hold on to your drinks.
It's the Thirsty Twins! [Chanting.]
Thir-sty Twins! Thir-sty Twins! Thir-sty Twins! Thir-sty Twins! Thir-sty Twins! Thir-sty Twins! Oh, God.
Hey, baby! Don't forget your new book bag! Ah.
Thanks, Mom! All right.
BOY: Kid's got a purse! [Laughter.]
I did take a loss.
Thir-sty Twins! Thir-sty Twins! Thir-sty Twins! Thir-sty Twins! Okay, we've got to do something.
Yeah, I'm about to punch a kid.
Hold my purse.
- [Screaming.]
No! - What? I can't believe they clowned my kids! Yeah, i-if it was Junior, yeah, I'd understand, but this was Jack and Diane.
Diane's petty and she's mean and she messed up my meet and greet with Boyz II Men, but she's no loser.
I wish there was a way that I could put this Cameron Carter in his place.
Oh-ho-ho! Let's go on the Dark Web and find a child assassin.
Now, do you want a child who's an assassin or a grown man who kills children? What? Neither! Fine, that's the last time I try to help.
So, you need a sensible plan.
You need to get a disguise, go undercover, and enroll in the school as a cooler kid - named Cameron Carter.
- Hmm.
That's also a terrible plan.
It's like he just comes here to talk, but he doesn't need our help, right? You feel that in your spirit? Some people just want you to listen.
Dre, if you don't have the stones to hire a black-market Internet assassin, what you need to do is throw a kick-ass rival party.
Oh, like Reese Witherspoon in "Big Little Lies.
" [Scoffs.]
Amabella's party didn't stand a chance.
You know, a rival party just might work.
Wonderful, because Interpol just seized Josh's computer.
- There you go.
- What are you doing? Fingerprints on that.
I got to go.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no! - This isn't - [Camera shutter clicks.]
Oh, it just took my picture.
Yes, I understand that is the school policy, Dean Reynolds, but what about the mom policy, which states that you expel any kid that is mean to my kid? Uh, no, I think you're being unreasonable.
Uh, okay, yeah, thank you.
I am getting nowhere with the school board.
Don't worry about it, all right? I got a better plan.
Forget Cameron Carter.
We are throwing our own party.
Kids! Get down here! - A rival party? - Mm-hmm.
[Gasps.]
That is way faster than suing the school.
- What? - I love that.
- Uh, okay.
- I love it! - Okay, come on.
- Come in here.
Sit down.
- Come on.
Sit down.
- Sit down.
- Come on.
Hurry up.
Sit down.
Cop a squat.
- Yes.
Come on.
- Okay, sitting down.
- All right.
We are going to save your social life.
- Ha! - Mm-hmm.
- It's too late.
- Hmm.
The janitor in the lower school told me - to keep my chin up - Mnh-mnh.
but also wouldn't give me dap.
Have no fear, little lady.
Your father and I are gonna throw a party that is way better than Cameron Whatever's.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Chuckles.]
You know it's Carter.
I am taking away his power.
Snatch it.
Yeah, but won't everyone think the Thirsty Twins are just throwing a party because we didn't get invited to Cameron Carter's? No! Because your party will be bigger, blacker, and deffer, like a Chris Rock special.
- Yeah, way better.
- Mm-hmm.
How? - Well, um - Okay, uh, yeah.
Good question.
- Yeah.
- How? We're, um Uh, because i-it's gonna be a be a-a-a - haunted house party.
- Haunted house party! - Yes! - [Laughs evilly.]
Yes! That leads to a pizza party with a deejay in the backyard.
- Yes! - Yes! Oh! And then we are gonna sue the school! - [Grunts.]
- Let's back it up just a little bit.
Okay, it's I am going to use all of my resources at work.
- Okay.
- Okay, I'm - I'm gonna get a special-effects guy - Pssh! gonna hire a hair and makeup professional.
And I will get real blood from the hospital.
- What? - She might.
Yeah.
Your reps are in the gutter, and ain't no way we gonna half-step.
- Mnh-mnh.
- All right? - So get on board.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't know.
We're still not sold, dawg.
- Aw, man.
- Yeah.
Look, shouldn't we just accept our place and keep our heads down until this all blows over? It won't.
Kids never forget.
Ever.
32 years ago Oh, boy.
Here we go.
your grandma made me carry a book bag that looked like a purse.
Let's see how my friends let that go.
Yeah "7th grade memories?" Bam.
Look at that.
- Your purse, Purse Boy! - Dre's punk-ass purse.
RONNIE: My mom died.
Also, your purse! 32 years later, and I'm still Purse Boy.
Yeah.
Okay, we're in.
Aw, yes! Okay.
This party is gonna be lit! - I regret it already.
- Sh-Sh-She's not gonna say that when your friends are here.
I make no promises.
[Groans.]
[Door closes.]
Hey.
You just getting home? Yeah, I was just hanging out with a friend.
All night? Yeah, I'm pretty tired.
You want Grandma to make you a cup of tea, baby? No, I just need to rehydrate.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
Oh, Happy Day Whoo.
Electrolytes Mmm.
Oh, Happy Day Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come here.
What friend were you hanging out with last night? I was with Niecy.
Okay.
So, were you with her or were you with her? Um, I think the second one? Aw, Junior, I don't believe you.
You can't be running around my church, having relations with people.
Yeah, it it was definitely the second one.
Do you know how clucky those church hens are? They're gonna be gossiping all over the place about me and my gigolo grandson taking advantage of that sweet little girl.
Niecy texted me, "You up?" and Not one more word out of you, young man.
Go to your room.
Go to your room and think about what you did.
Really? No.
No.
Go to your room and don't think about what you did.
Get out of here! The hell is wrong with you? JACK: Oh, man.
I didn't think you guys could do this.
I mean, you got the whole seventh grade here, even Cameron Carter.
DIANE: Whoa, and Emily Copeland.
I heard her mom lets her have co-ed sleepovers.
- What? - I told you we would deliver the cool kids.
Now, go, and own this moment.
Jack Johnson, Diane Johnson.
You take your full-name status and you just rub it in everybody's faces.
Go.
Go on.
Welcome to a Jack Johnson and Diane Johnson production of the scariest night of your life! - Yes! - Whoo! Oh, and do not forget to stick around for the after party, where there's gonna be a deejay who will play radio edits of all your favorite songs.
This is lit! Yeah! That's exactly what I said, Cameron Carter.
This is lit! Like, I am legit scared.
This place is hype! Hyp The Hype Twins! - Oh! - The Hype Twins! [Chanting.]
Hype Twins! Hype Twins! Hype Twins! Hype Twins! Hype Twins! Hype Twins! Hype Twins! We did it.
- We saved our kids.
- Yes.
Oh, my God.
Look.
Go on in.
Oh, look at that! - Are you okay? - [Voice breaking.]
Yeah.
I, uh, just never thought that I'd be such a good father.
Oh.
[Children screaming.]
It's a haunted house! It's supposed to be scary! Don't leave! There's pizza! No! The pizza's a trap! It's all a trap! It wasn't real.
It wasn't real.
That baby had a knife! Where's Joshua? Has anyone seen Joshua? Uh I think if we find Joshua we can turn this around.
[Demonic laughter.]
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Pizza delivery.
If you like, there's 40 more boxes downstairs.
Yep, 40 more.
Just go.
I'm too upset to eat.
We're sorry, all right? We were We were just trying to help.
Yeah.
- And in a way, we did help, you know? - Yeah.
Because now, no one's gonna talk about how lame you were at school the other day.
- Aw, buddy.
Aw, I need a hug, too.
- Pepperoni or cheese? Oh.
How did we mess this up so bad? Well, we were just trying to save our kids from being Helmet Hair and Purse Boy.
I know.
Talking about that seventh-grade purse? Yeah, it ruined middle school for me.
Your Jheri curl and all those Chocodiles you ate ruined middle school for you.
But you got through it, didn't you? If we can make things a little less awful for our kids, shouldn't we? No.
Middle school is terrible no matter what.
Now, I know you want to protect the kids from the pain of growing up, but you can't.
What you can do is teach them they can handle it.
- She's not wrong.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's about resilience.
- Mm-hmm.
I didn't let being called Helmet Hair break me.
Pushing through made me stronger.
And that's why you have the strength to go out in the world looking like a hot mess the way you do every day.
I am a beautiful African princess.
Look, Ma, it's not easy watching your kids grow up.
Yeah.
It happens fast.
One day they're getting called names and the next day, they're sleeping with the principal soloist in your church choir.
Mama, what you talking about? Oh, it's just something I saw on "Scandal.
" The what? Eh - Excuse me.
- Aah! Aah! I'm Joshua Miller.
I'm looking for my parents.
Um, you Okay.
Uh, come this way, dear.
Junior, there you are.
Grandma, before you throw that at me, you've got your church back.
I'm not going out with Niecy anymore.
Well, I appreciate that.
And I'm sorry I upset you.
You know, it was kind of reckless of me to hook up with someone from your church.
The truth is, is that wasn't what bothered me.
You know Grandma don't really give a damn about what people think.
Then what made you so angry? Oh, I don't know.
You were supposed to be off at college getting your swerve on.
But now you're doing this gap year thing, and it's all happening in front of me.
You becoming a man caught me off guard.
I get that.
It's gonna take me a minute to get used to seeing my little grandbaby as a man.
I'll work on that.
So, do men still hug their grandmas? Come here.
[Laughs.]
Come here.
[Chuckles.]
Aww.
DIANE: I can't believe this.
JACK: Do we have to go in? Yeah, can't we just call in sick? Or do that cruise ship school like Zack and Cody? Look, guys, we know today is not gonna be easy.
And we are so sorry for interfering.
But there are just some things that you are gonna need to handle on your own now.
Okay? - No, not okay.
- Wha You did this.
I'm gonna have to eat lunch in the bathroom because of you.
Yeah, you two walk us into this school.
Be our human shield.
We We can't.
We're gonna have to be hands-off.
All right? It's It's It's what's best.
Well, isn't that convenient for you, Andre.
Let's just get this over with.
Have a Have a wonderful day.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
It's like watching "The Green Mile.
" - Yeah.
- Dead twins walking.
Okay, Dre, I know I said that we wouldn't help, but I - I have an idea.
- Okay.
What if we do help them? We can't, all right, even though I want to, all right? - But they have to do this.
- You're right.
[Sighs.]
- Let's get out of here.
- [Dinging.]
Use your camera.
I got it right here.
Oh, there's the twins.
Oh, God.
Th-They can't do it.
You're wrong.
Our kids can't do it.
[Gasps.]
They've been exiled.
Damn you, seventh grade.
You are not going to believe what happened.
The haunted house was so scary Cameron peed himself.
Yeah.
Cameron Carter peed himself? A kid that pees himself doesn't get full name status.
And now everyone's calling him Pee Pee Carter.
And now we're cool because it happened at our house.
Oh! Oh, okay.
We're back on top! Middle school is going to be amazing from here on out.
- Nothing's gonna bring us down.
- [School bell rings.]
- Okay.
- Oh, okay.
- Bye.
- I told you.
- Okay.
- Bigger, blacker, deffer! - Okay, okay, babe.
- [Both chuckle.]
I give 'em about two days, though, and they're gonna be brought down.
Well, let's let them live this moment.
Okay.
Bye, Pee Pee Carter! Dre, get Roll up the window! I'm going.
So my kids were growing up and learning how to handle their own business.
And I realized it was time to handle some unfinished business of my own.
Because if you're true to yourself, it doesn't matter what people say.
Hey, everybody.
Dre's got a purse! That's right [bleep.]
.
You think I could pull that off? Shorts? No.
But that purse, though? Also no.