Boston Legal s05e03 Episode Script
Dances with Wolves
Previously on "Boston Legal" I was referred to a sex therapist, a surrogate.
I'd like you to meet with her.
I'm retired.
I've remarried, and my husband has problems with his wife being a sexual surrogate.
Te I-I'm sure you have a name, but I'm not much interested.
You scare me.
See me shudder? Take your clothes off.
I'll make you shudder.
Do you think you could maybe squeeze me in? I'm very sorry, but you won't be making partner.
Jerry Espenson deserves to be made a partner.
He's not a rainmaker, Alan.
He's toast, weird toast.
Let me tell you something, and you heard it here first.
Okay.
Obama's trouble with women has nothing to do with the hillary supporters, most of whom are lesbians, by the way, and you can quote me on that.
I think I won't - it comes from Bill.
- Bill? See, he's been with a lot of women.
Left most of them with a bad taste in their mouth.
So, uh, Jerry, you and I are having a drink.
What's the deal? 'Cause I think you're weird.
Okay.
I come up for partner this fall, Mr.
Crane.
Call me Denny.
No, don't.
And when I do I expect your full support.
Why would I want a weird guy for a partner? Because I've earned it.
And to get it.
I'm going to need your support.
Here's my question to you do you really want it? Yes, I do.
Cause being a partner in a law firm isn't all cked up to be.
But the moneths good, right? Who are you? Oh, I'm part of the neighborhood crime watch.
The way this works is, you watch, I commit the crime.
Oh, my God.
Now nah, no, no.
There's no talking.
You just give me your watch and wallet now.
Here's my problem you're black.
Oh, Mr.
Crane! What? I'm Denny Crane.
I'm a big shot.
So am I.
If you kill me, the headline's gonna be, "black guy kills white big shot," and that's the last thing we need when we're trying to elect an African-American as president.
Dear God.
How about if I just blow your brains out right now? That doesn't work for me.
Work for you? Denny, please.
Hey all right, all right, all right.
Watch.
Wallet.
Gun.
- Knee.
- Aah! - Right foot.
- Aah! - Left foot.
- Aah! Oh! Gah! Oh! Thank God for guns, huh, Jerry? Only in America sweet land of liberty valance.
Are you all right? Of course I'm all why wouldn't I be all right? It was just an attempted mugging and no and you absolutely had to shoot him.
I shoot people all the time.
You had to shoot him three times.
Uh, if you say so.
In both feet.
Mr.
Crane? I told you everything last night.
Yes, and we appreciate that sir but unfortunately, we haven't en sent to get your statement.
What is it then, autograph? No, sir.
I apologize, but we're here to arrest you.
Arrest me?! What's going on? Look, if it was up to me, Mr.
Crane here would what are the charges? Possession of a concealed firearm.
Oh, please.
You can't be serious.
This man was mugged.
I realize that.
I also realize that his having a gun helped us catch a guy we been lookin' for, but the law is the law, and Mr.
Crane broke it.
Please place your hands behind your back, sir.
This is unbelievable.
You have the right to remain silent.
I know my rights, and let me tell you, I'm never silent.
Everything about me makes noise.
I want those back when we're done.
Gnment is at ten:30.
I'm on my way.
Uh, he doesn't want you, Alan.
Excuse me? He thinks you're too anti-gun.
Oh.
Did he say who he did want? Angelina Jolie, but that's not going to happen.
Carl, do you think you could go? Me? I'm not pro-gun.
Please.
Alan.
Joanna.
Hello.
Sorry to disturb.
I have a bit of an emergency.
My ex-husband, uh, he's trying to take my daughter.
He says my being a sex surrogate makes me an unfit mother.
How old is she? - 10.
And I've only worked part-time since she was born.
I've been pretty much stay-at-home.
Have you had sole custody? No, split, but he's going for sole.
I wouldn't get to have her at all.
Okay, look, let me, set up a meeting with his attorney he can't win this, can he? Let me just talk she's my little girl.
Joanna, you're not gonna lose her.
"3-2-8-8-8" "the commonwealth vs.
Denny Crane, on the charge of possession of a concealed we" your honor, Carl Sack for the defendant we'll waive the reading.
For God sake, what has he done now? What's he done, your honor, is to have the temerity to defend himself against an armed assailant.
The charge is for possession of a concealed firearm, not shooting.
I have a constitutional right to bear arms.
Ask the supreme court.
The supreme court did not give him the right to conceal a firearm without a carry permit.
I got a note from dick cheney.
Mr.
Crane, you are accused of breaking the law.
You will stand trial.
Is that clear? Your honor, shouldn't you recuse yourself? After all, I did tell you to bite me that time.
When? It was, uh oh, come to think of it, uh, now, actually.
Bite me.
You cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot antagonize the judge.
Oh, please.
You know the jury will take its cues from him.
What's going on? We go to trial.
Uh, Jerry.
You'll be second chairing.
- Won't I be a witness? - I want you as cocounsel.
Who's better to clse than somebody who stared down the barrel of the gun? - You want him to close? - Why not? Denny, do you want to get off or not? My place or yours? Bring the outfit.
Denny, I'm not really comfortable arguing this one.
Jerry, you want to make partner? You gotta take one for the team.
It's an unstable environment.
She's a perv, and we're not budging.
Okay, first and don't try any of your disgusting strategiesie to unsettle me.
Well, who's to say what'sisgusting? I could offer to close my eyes and suck on you as if you were a giant love peach.
I'm giving you 30 seconds to state your case, and then I'm out the door.
Emma and don't call me by my first name.
Daniella's doing very well with the current custody arrangement.
She's healthy, happy, very active.
She gets straight a's in school.
Her er sells her body as a sex worker.
She is not a sex worker she's a certified health professional who offers sex surrogacy as one of many therapeutic approaches to help people suffering with a dysfunction.
I understand you were one of her clients.
Yes.
She taught me several things I'd love to pass on to you.
Should we just get a room? Disgusting.
Iook, we're talking about a 10-year-old girl here.
I can't have you around her.
Martin, the shared custody if you and I don't see eye to eye, we can't make decisions together.
I'm afraid of your influence, of the impact you might make on her.
L-I-I just can't have it.
We'll see you in court, stud muffin.
Whoa! Ooh, tenderloin.
Tease.
Your ex-husband will testify first, then you.
Okay.
We'll try to avoid having to call daniella, but she'll likely have to at least talk to a judge in chambers.
Okay.
Joanna, it would take a lot for a judge to deny a mother custody of any kind.
Most mothers don't do what I do.
There's that.
Alan how are you doing? Me? Fine.
Why? Just asking.
Joanna, you never just ask.
What are you getting at? Well, your dialogue with opposing counsel was especially aggressive sexually aggressive.
That was just lawyer's gamesmanship.
The language I heard was not simply for another lawyer.
It was for a woman.
Say what's on your mind, joanna.
Okay.
Well, I've never said it before, but there's a part of you that's always been sexist.
But now you seem to be losing the ability, even the inclination, to connect with a woman in a nonsexual way.
What used to be a part is becoming the whole.
You know, given that your life with your daughter is about to be decided, I would think the last thing you'd want to do right now is to distract me.
No, you're right.
I apologize.
Let's go.
We pulled three guns off him at the scene.
Then when we went to arrest him the next day, he had five more guns on him.
He also had a little propane thing that wasn't legal.
A propane thing? Yeah, it was a device strapped to his buttocks.
Basically, he could break wind and turn his ass into a blowtorch.
And did he have any carry permits for these weapons? No, sir, he did not.
What would have happened had Mr.
Crane not been armed? Objection.
Calls for spulation.
Your honor, this officer has 15 years experience with criminals and their conduct.
He has foundation to speculate.
I'll allow it.
So how do you think it would've gone down? I'm sure he would've been mugged.
Possibly killed? Possibly, but it's also possible thank you, officer.
You've answered my question oh, one more thing, officer, honestly, when you arrested Mr.
Crane, did you want to? Objection! That one's sustained.
Oh, your honor, if I may what? By sustaining the objection, the jury will never learn that the officer really didn't want to arrest me, which he really didn't want to do.
I'm sorry, but her sex job makes her an inappropriate parent.
Objection to the term "sex job.
" It's inaccurate and makes me giggle.
Mr.
Shore, you turn this courtroom into a playground, and I'm gonna come down there and beat the crap outta you.
Ms.
Path, please.
And while this would be a call to action at any point in daniella's life, it is of even more pronounced concern at her current age, yes? Yes.
Girls are entering puberty earlier and earlier.
This is a very formative time for her.
A time when her moral and behavioral foundations are put into place about so many things, about sex.
Kids learn from what their parents say, from what their parents do, even from their unsaid attitudes.
In fact, say their mothers are their number one resource for issues like sex, h.
I.
V.
And a.
I.
D.
s.
, alcohol, drugs aren't you a little encyclopedic ball of fire? Mr.
Shore, do I have to come down there? Judge, I'm actually a fan of corporal punishment, escially when it comes from the rugged hands but hat's just me.
Ms.
Path, please continue.
What's your main issue, Martin? My ex-wife, in doing what she does, is giving daniella an excessivel permissive take on sex.
She's saying to my daughter, "it's okay to be sexual with people you don't love for money.
" Studies show that the more often parents discuss sex with their kids in an open and comfortable manner, the less likely the kids are to have sex early and casually.
This goes way beyond discussion.
It's also been found that the parent needs to initiate these exchanges, uh, as 77% of teenagers simply don't know how to bring it up.
Shouldn't you count yourself lucky that you have a trained professional in the family, someone skilled a little too skilled.
You were aware that jona was a sex surrogate - when you married her? - Well, yes, but did it turn you on? Objection.
Overruled.
Did it turn you on? Once you become a parent, you look at things differently.
That's a yes, it turned you on.
I told her I wanted her to quit.
We wanted to start a family, which we did, and she quit for a while, but then she went back to work.
Ah.
So women should only work until they become wives and mothers because that's their real calling, and a career is just something to do until their real lives start, which is mothering.
I didn't ask her to quit curing cancer or quit teaching kids to be concert violinists.
I asked her to give up the orgasm workshops.
- Move to strike.
- Overruled.
Something bothering you, Mr.
Shore? She threatened to beat you up? Yes.
- The judge? - Yes and the lawyer.
She'd beat me up if she could.
The little one who slapped me around? Yes.
She's a fiery number.
She'd wear you out at night, I'll bet.
Denny, do you think you and I are sexist? Us? We do tend to objectify women.
They love that, Alan.
They'd be mad if you didn't.
Do you think you treat women as your equal? I'm Denny Crane.
There's no man my equal, much less a woman.
Ah.
You know who the real sexists are in this country, Alan? It's the women.
It's the women media who tore up hillary, women who criticized her pantsuits, said she wasn't pretty enough, she should be softer, sexier.
Me? Hell, just give me the word, I'll throw her across my desk.
You're such a libertarian.
Alan, you and I are the last people who could be called sexist.
We love women, all women, even the fat ones.
Hell, sometimes I even prefer the fat ones.
What? Talking is the predominant element of surrogate therapy um, sharing information, providing emotional support, devising coping skills.
There are nonerotic body awareness exercises, sensory explorations and relaxation techniques.
And yet, these folks depict you as a strumpet with a plaque on the wall.
Less than 15% of my time with clients is spent engaging in sexual activities.
The goal is to reorient, to reeducate so that intimacy is possible, comfortable and healthy.
But is it primarily about sexual technique? It's primarily about intimacy, which often goes way deeper than sex.
Some women are self-loathing and use sex as an affirmation, which, of cose, completely backfires.
I have many men who love their wives, but nevertheless, hate women on some level.
Uh and you went back to work after your divorce because? I was eager to be an example to my daughter of an independent, self-sufficient woman.
For the most part, th went very well.
Would you like to explain that little personal shot at me? Excuse me? That comment about men hating women? That comment wasn't somewhat directed at me? No.
I have many male clients who are repulsed by feminism.
It had nothing to do with you, Alan.
But the fact that it hit a nerve is of course it hit a nerve! You've got my antennae up.
Then ask yourself why.
Joanna, I am not one of those men who hates women or is repulsed by feminism.
- I know that.
- I'm not.
I'm Iook, do you want me to win your daughter back? I do.
Then don't unsettle me with you know, Alan, you once told me, when you meet a woman, the first question you ask yourself is, "would I or wouldn't I, and how would it be?" That's the first question every heterosexual male asks himself.
We're built that way.
And for your information, it's now more like the third or fourth question I ask myself.
That doesn't mean I hate women.
When I knocked on your door the other day, you said hello and mentally undressed me in a heartbeat.
I do that with all people.
You looked fantastic.
The guy pulled a gun on me.
I pulled mine on him.
Yes.
The issue here isn't self-defense so much as but it was self-defense.
Absolutely.
I mean, if I didn't have my gun - you'd be dead.
Finis - gone.
- I had to shoot, saved my life.
- Boom and Jerry's.
Didn't shoot to kill.
Just to wound.
- Took a knee.
Boom and boom.
- And two feet.
Boom objection! You think this is funny? Funny uh, did you have a chuckle the last time somebody pulled a gun on you? This case is about concealing a handgun on the person, not about self-defense.
That doesn't mean we can ignore the reality that if Mr.
Crane didn't have his concealed weapon - dead.
Finis.
Boom.
- Gone.
Boom.
And boom.
Objection! Stop it! You think you have a constitutional right to conceal a weapon without a carry permit? I have a right to keep a gun at home.
The court says so.
You were on the street.
A man's home is where his heart is.
In my case, the penis.
Do you have any idea how many people die from gun violence in this country? Yeah, yeah.
Let's make a law no carrying guns.
I'm sure the criminals will obey it.
Show me where the constitution says you can walk the streets armed without a carry permit.
The constitution says whatever the supreme court says it says.
As for what the supreme court says, that all depends on who's president.
Move to strike.
You don't have to be a legal genius to know that if you've got a president in office who likes guns and a vice president who likes to hunt lawyers and quail and a supreme court justice who hunts with him, you're gonna have a constitutional right to shoot bad guys in the knee.
I swear to you, the man doesn't have alzheimer's.
He uses the mad cow as an excuse to do whatever the hell he wants, whether it's dropping his pants or shooting people.
He had a pet scan.
It showed he has plaque on his brain.
Says who? He's Denny Crane.
You don't think he could rig a pet scan? I'm telling you, the man knows what he's doing.
Is he going to win here? That I don't know.
We don't really have a defense.
Can you explain the wisdom in letting Jerry clo??? Denny's wisdom.
Since Jerry was also a victim, he's most able to put the jury in Denny's shoes that night.
Shirley.
Carl.
Shirley, um, do you find me terribly sexist? This isn't funny.
Answer the question.
Befo I respond, could you answer a question for me? Are you finished fiddling with my cheerleader outfit? L-I that's just a textile fetish.
Alan.
I respect women, every part of a woman.
I'd say especially the parts.
That's right.
So that isn't true, Shirley.
Is it? Alan, you know you are an iconic letch.
If I make you feel any better, sometimes even I like being ogled by you.
So do I.
I think the problem you're having is you feel reduced by the label.
You're not a simple man.
You're extremely complicated, brilliant, funny, profoundly layered, but fundamentally, you are, an incorrigible, irrepressible dog with a textile fetish.
I love this place.
Jerry? Denny.
What are you doing? Standing on my desk.
For any particular reason? I'm having an out-of-body experience.
I'm looking down on myself as I deliver my compelling closing.
Come on off the desk there, big fella.
Here, come to pa?? You want to do well here, don't you? I do.
'Cause lawyers who get me off tend to make partner, especially women lawyers.
Stop laughing, Jerry.
I notice you twiddling the wooden cigarette.
Makes you feel confident, does it? It helps.
Iook what I got here.
A wooden cigar.
It's yours if you do a good job, and by doing a good job, Jerry, you personally can ensure that every American has the right, the privilege of carrying a gun.
How many lawyers have that opportunity truly, Jerry? Does your mom ever bring any of her clients home? No.
Daniella, what exactly do you know about your mother's job? L-I know she's a sexual surrogate.
And you know what a sexual surrogate does? She treats people with, like sex problems and problems trusting and stuff.
And you know the nature of that treatment? How do you feel about that? I don't know.
Um o-okay, I guess.
I mean it's a little weird, but it's her job.
Daniella, can you tell me a little bit about what life is like at home with your mother? It's I don't know, normal, I guess.
Um, it's home.
And what do you and your mom do together? Lots of stuff.
We like to hike.
We like to play a lot of games you know, hearts, monopoly.
She's one of the coaches on my soccer team.
But mostly, she kinda nags me to do my homework and stop playing "guitar hero.
" Do you ever talk about your mother's job with her? Sometimes.
Daniella, I know this is an unfair question, but I am going to ask it.
Do you have a feeling about living either mostly with your mom or your dad? We are a nation of laws, and Mr.
Crane broke the law.
He carried a ccealed weapon eight of them, actually.
He has no defense nor has he offered one.
His only play would be to challenge the existing law.
He no doubt thinks the recent supreme court ruling empowers him.
It does not.
The ruling said that an individual has the right to bear arms.
It does not say he has a right to conceal them, nor does it hold that the stah@ can't impose?? ?? Onable restrictions on that right.
And this restriction is very reasonable.
by guns every year.
To put that in perspective, we have lost close to 4,000 soldiers in iraq during the war.
Kids are killed on the street walking to school.
People are shot dead in their houses, their places of work.
Do we really need another virginia tech to realize that this country has a problem which is epidemic? There are now more firearms in homes than pets.
Does the defense really mean to suggest that folks be allowed to walk around concealing their firearms? Or is it just that Denny Crane is above the law? Or maybe, as his testimony suggests, it's all in good fun.
Why be so concerned about something as trivial as human life? Jerry, you have to get up now.
Human life? Human life? Can we just please dispense with the human life jingle? It's so boring.
Of course we're all pro-human life.
Show of hands.
How many in favor of people not being dead? But let's face it.
We love guns.
Go to the movies, for Pete's sake, turn on your TV.
We're a pistol-totin', gun-lovin' people.
Remember, we started this country with the shot heard round the world, not a egislation.
" am I right? Look, Denny Crane is a lawyer himself, a scholar.
In fact, if there are two legal minds that were ever in perfect sync in this country, it would be those of antonin scalia and Denny Crane.
Check their d.
n.
A twins separated at birth, I tell you Denny and Tony, Tony and Denny.
Can you imagine £¿£¿y Crane on the supreme court? Wow.
Scalia, roberts, Thomas, alito and Crane talk about birds of a feather.
Y, what are you doing What am I doing? I'm celebrating the actions of my client.
I'm acknowledging that he, along with the supreme court not all, but the big five are smarter than any other supreme court we've ever had.
I mean, no other supreme court in our 200-year history could find a right to bear arms for nonmilitary purposes, but suddenly presto! Thank God for the big five, I tell you.
"A well regulated militia "being necessary to the security of a free state, "the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
" It turns out the trick is to just ignore the first 13 words.
Home free.
See, big Tony calls this "the prefatory clause.
" Prefatory I guess that means "worthless.
" And this is the operative clause.
Of course.
All this nonsense about the right being necessary for a well regulated militia, they put that in for fun, those founding father jokesters.
We weren't supposed to actually take this part seriously.
How could all those stupid supreme courts over the last 200 years have fallen for that? - May I have a word with cocounsel - no, you may not.
And enough with this "we're a nati of laws" crapola.
Please, we're a nation of politics.
Am I right? Am I right? The laws are simply devices to serve our ideologies.
For example, this court, which is the smartest in the history of the world, trumpeted individual liberties to protect guns?? But as for individual liberties for criminal defendants? Who needs 'em? And then in the guantánamo case, big Tony said individual liberties be damned when it means more human lives might be lost, but in the gun's case, it's hail, hail individual liberties, even though mo human lives might be lost.
That's consistent.
See, big Tony knows the score.
Iook to your politics.
That'll tell you what the law is.
Jerry.
Pipe down, sacky-boy.
These are smart judges, these supreemies.
And, boy, once we got the newbies, roberts and alito, the preemies the possibilities are just boundless.
They don't have to be bound by the constitution or the founding fathers.
Seems they'rt even bound by their ownrinciples.
Jerry.
Consider they always say political questions should be decided by elected officials, but as for guns nuh-uh! They say we need to pay close attention to the precise words in the constitution, but for guns nuh-uh! They say they dicial activism,?? But when it comes to guns nuh-uh! Don't you just love these preemies? Mccain does.
He wanfjo go out and find more judges exactly like t?? He's a smarty-pants, too, that mccain.
He knows how to become president.
He once cosponsored a Bill closing the gun show loophole.
But now? Nuh-uh! He now believes the second amendment means no gun control.
That might make him even smarter than big Tony and the preemies.
And obama, he's no dummy.
He once took a stand on firearms, but in his blueprint for change nada, nothing on gun control.
I guess we don't need that much change.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you cannot convict Denny Crane.
If anything, this man should behoanonized.
Oh, don't you love that word? Canonized.
Sounds like a big gun.
Show of hands, how many are titillated? Denny Crane, like big Tony, like the preemies, he doesn't look at the meaning of the constit cn and say why.
He sees meanings that never were and says why not? My client is a real American flag on his lapel, gun in his pants.
He shoots bad guys.
Boom, boom.
Boom, boom.
There is nothing more red, white and blue than him, a man who knows, as does our president, as do the big five human life is simply no match for a gun.
What the hell was that?! Was I not compelling? You just sent him to jail.
What could possibly possess you? You did, for starters.
You said to give Denny what he needs.
He needed to lose.
He needed to lose.
- And you made that decision? - Denny did.
Carl, my friend, the trick to changing a law is not to beat it, but to get beat.
Then you can appeal to a court that can change it.
What are you talking about? The Massachusetts legislature is never gonna let us pack pistols.
You gotta get it to the supreme court.
They'll take care of it.
You can't be serious.
You want to lose so you can appeal to the supreme court? Jey, my boy, let me present you a wooden cigar.
You earned it, my friend.
Thank you.
I'm a professional woman.
I have kids.
They understand what I do.
They ask me about my work.
They're proud to have me come to their school for career day.
And when I get this paycheck, they can feel coident that it doesn't represent one minute of me engaging in a sex act.
Will this be the case for daniella? What's in her best interests? Daniella's best interests lie with her father.
Let's not be outfoxed by the fancy talk and therapy-jargonized argument of Ms.
Monroe and her sleazy lawyer and allow daniella to be exposed to a woman who employs questionable philosophies and unfit moral practices in her chosen career.
The general laws of Massachusetts state that custody of a child includes the right and responsibility to see to the child's welfare and make major decisions about his or her education and medical care and emotional, moral and religious development.
Give daniella's father sole custody.
Don't make me hit you.
There was an incident in a shopping mall recently that incited a storm of protests and was well-covered by the media.
Apparently a woman was thrown out of a lingerie store because while she was sitting next to a mannequin that was wearing only a thong and a peekaboo bra, the woman started to breastfeed her baby.
Meanwhile, back in the capital, attorney general John ashcroft had mammoth drapes purchased to obscure two statues in the great hall of the department of justice because the female statue, spirit of justice, has one breast uncovered and the male statue, majesty of law, is bare-chested and wears a loincloth.
- What is your point? - My point is, this country has a profoundly paradoxical relationship with sex.
We damn infidelity, but our presidents have had extramarital affairs in and out of the white house.
The mistress keeping and rendezvousing of f.
d.
r.
, I.
b.
j.
, Billy Bob Clinton and grand champ j.
f.
k.
Are legendary, and other than the politically motivated impeachiim of Billy Bob, we went with it.
We didn't say you've engaged in inappropriate sexual behavior our culture finds inexcusable, so give up your children.
And by the way, when it comes to our children, we've entirely lost our heads.
When parents were surveyed about what they found most offensive in their kids' video games, a man and a woman having sex came in first as most offensive, beating out graphically severed human head, which came in third.
And yet we have more and more women proudly declaring to their friends over coffee, "I'm a milf at my kid's high school.
" M-I-l-f mother I'd like to forgive me for speaking this way in court.
Evidently, we've decided, instead of our traditional desexing of mothers, we now need to sex them up a bit.
Just talk about the fitness of this mother.
Joanna is a wonderful mother.
And part of her job is to help people find some semblance of order in this paralyzing mess, to help people find some clarity.
In today's world, we should all be assigned someone to help us navigate the waters of sex and sexism, because it's so easy to get lost, so woefully, woefully lost.
We need to bring sex out of the dark shadows where it can get twisted and torqued and we think nothing of using sex to sell products or movies, television shows, magazines, but when someone is addressing sex in a real, true, honest way, that's immoral? That's inappropriate? That's unfit? All right, you win.
I am maintaining dual custody.
Well, if you don't mind, I'd still like to finish what I have to say.
No.
Mr.
Monroe, what she does is clearly unconventional, but there is no sign that it's an unstable environment, and there's no evidence that your ex-wife is unfit.
Therefore, we are adjourned.
Thank you, your honor.
Yes.
Thank you, Alan.
Will it go straight to the supreme court? Well, no.
You'd have to lose at the appeals court.
Then you'd have to lose again with the s.
j.
c.
But not to worry.
Jerry's closing will get the job done.
Mr.
Foreman, you have reached a unanimous verdict? - We have, your honor.
- What say you? "In the matter"of the commonwealth of Massachusetts vs.
Denny Crane "on the charge of carrying a concealed firearm without a permit, we the jury find the defendant, Denny Crane, not guilty.
" We won? - What?! - Your honor, we appeal.
You can't appeal an acquittal.
You're the defendant.
This isn't right.
What happened? Sorry, Denny.
Guess you can't lose 'em all.
I can't lose any.
You really had your hopes up.
Well, it's one thing to be an icon but to be a cause célèbre a martyr even the idea of famous Hollywood people wearing a button "free Denny" I don't think Hollywood types wear buttons for gun nuts.
You actually think I'm a nut to carry a gun? To carry five all at once? Yes, Denny.
That raises you to lunatic status.
Oh, and you would never own one.
I didn't say that.
You're afraid to even hold one, you girl, you.
I have one, in a safe at home.
A.
38.
- You have a.
38? - Yes.
I see nothing wrong with that.
I see a lot wrong with assault weapons and people walking around like you, with guns.
Have you ever shot it? Just target practice.
I can't fathom a liberal like you owning a gun.
That's one of the problems in this country.
We have two camps those that like guns and those that don't.
Why can't there be a middle? Why can't we say okay to guns and okay to gun legislation? Why does it make someone a pinko-liberal-girl if he supports background checks and bans on assault weapons? That's a sexist remark.
You realize that? What? "A pinko-liberal-girl.
" Girls can like guns.
Never mind.
Just let me drink.
Fine.
I am sexist.
When I see a woman, my first thoughts are sexual.
It's not that I don't respect her intelligence, it's not that I wouldn't want a woman to be president, I'll even admit to the possibility that women are emotionally and intellectually superior to men, but I cannot deny, there's a part of me that sees a woman as this big, human mitten, perfectly designed to keep my cockles warm on a cold, winter's night.
Oh, Alan.
It's cultural.
It's biological.
And it's fun.
There are many ways men go dead as they age.
One way, they start incorporating all thlearned, politically correct behavior and thoughts into who they are, and in the process, deny what they are.
What are we? Animals.
Today's evolved men talk to each other about politics and kids and education.
They talk about anything and everything, and yet are profoundly lonely.
Why? 'Cause they're ashamed to share their most base instinct.
You and I are not like that.
When we're 90, wll be sitting on a park bench, a pretty girl will go by, and we'll say, "look at the rack on that one.
" You and I will never, ever be lonely.
And if the girl has a boyfriend who comes to confiscate our walkers? I've got my gun.
I feel better.
You should.
Alan you listen to Denny now.
Yes.
I'd like you to meet with her.
I'm retired.
I've remarried, and my husband has problems with his wife being a sexual surrogate.
Te I-I'm sure you have a name, but I'm not much interested.
You scare me.
See me shudder? Take your clothes off.
I'll make you shudder.
Do you think you could maybe squeeze me in? I'm very sorry, but you won't be making partner.
Jerry Espenson deserves to be made a partner.
He's not a rainmaker, Alan.
He's toast, weird toast.
Let me tell you something, and you heard it here first.
Okay.
Obama's trouble with women has nothing to do with the hillary supporters, most of whom are lesbians, by the way, and you can quote me on that.
I think I won't - it comes from Bill.
- Bill? See, he's been with a lot of women.
Left most of them with a bad taste in their mouth.
So, uh, Jerry, you and I are having a drink.
What's the deal? 'Cause I think you're weird.
Okay.
I come up for partner this fall, Mr.
Crane.
Call me Denny.
No, don't.
And when I do I expect your full support.
Why would I want a weird guy for a partner? Because I've earned it.
And to get it.
I'm going to need your support.
Here's my question to you do you really want it? Yes, I do.
Cause being a partner in a law firm isn't all cked up to be.
But the moneths good, right? Who are you? Oh, I'm part of the neighborhood crime watch.
The way this works is, you watch, I commit the crime.
Oh, my God.
Now nah, no, no.
There's no talking.
You just give me your watch and wallet now.
Here's my problem you're black.
Oh, Mr.
Crane! What? I'm Denny Crane.
I'm a big shot.
So am I.
If you kill me, the headline's gonna be, "black guy kills white big shot," and that's the last thing we need when we're trying to elect an African-American as president.
Dear God.
How about if I just blow your brains out right now? That doesn't work for me.
Work for you? Denny, please.
Hey all right, all right, all right.
Watch.
Wallet.
Gun.
- Knee.
- Aah! - Right foot.
- Aah! - Left foot.
- Aah! Oh! Gah! Oh! Thank God for guns, huh, Jerry? Only in America sweet land of liberty valance.
Are you all right? Of course I'm all why wouldn't I be all right? It was just an attempted mugging and no and you absolutely had to shoot him.
I shoot people all the time.
You had to shoot him three times.
Uh, if you say so.
In both feet.
Mr.
Crane? I told you everything last night.
Yes, and we appreciate that sir but unfortunately, we haven't en sent to get your statement.
What is it then, autograph? No, sir.
I apologize, but we're here to arrest you.
Arrest me?! What's going on? Look, if it was up to me, Mr.
Crane here would what are the charges? Possession of a concealed firearm.
Oh, please.
You can't be serious.
This man was mugged.
I realize that.
I also realize that his having a gun helped us catch a guy we been lookin' for, but the law is the law, and Mr.
Crane broke it.
Please place your hands behind your back, sir.
This is unbelievable.
You have the right to remain silent.
I know my rights, and let me tell you, I'm never silent.
Everything about me makes noise.
I want those back when we're done.
Gnment is at ten:30.
I'm on my way.
Uh, he doesn't want you, Alan.
Excuse me? He thinks you're too anti-gun.
Oh.
Did he say who he did want? Angelina Jolie, but that's not going to happen.
Carl, do you think you could go? Me? I'm not pro-gun.
Please.
Alan.
Joanna.
Hello.
Sorry to disturb.
I have a bit of an emergency.
My ex-husband, uh, he's trying to take my daughter.
He says my being a sex surrogate makes me an unfit mother.
How old is she? - 10.
And I've only worked part-time since she was born.
I've been pretty much stay-at-home.
Have you had sole custody? No, split, but he's going for sole.
I wouldn't get to have her at all.
Okay, look, let me, set up a meeting with his attorney he can't win this, can he? Let me just talk she's my little girl.
Joanna, you're not gonna lose her.
"3-2-8-8-8" "the commonwealth vs.
Denny Crane, on the charge of possession of a concealed we" your honor, Carl Sack for the defendant we'll waive the reading.
For God sake, what has he done now? What's he done, your honor, is to have the temerity to defend himself against an armed assailant.
The charge is for possession of a concealed firearm, not shooting.
I have a constitutional right to bear arms.
Ask the supreme court.
The supreme court did not give him the right to conceal a firearm without a carry permit.
I got a note from dick cheney.
Mr.
Crane, you are accused of breaking the law.
You will stand trial.
Is that clear? Your honor, shouldn't you recuse yourself? After all, I did tell you to bite me that time.
When? It was, uh oh, come to think of it, uh, now, actually.
Bite me.
You cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot antagonize the judge.
Oh, please.
You know the jury will take its cues from him.
What's going on? We go to trial.
Uh, Jerry.
You'll be second chairing.
- Won't I be a witness? - I want you as cocounsel.
Who's better to clse than somebody who stared down the barrel of the gun? - You want him to close? - Why not? Denny, do you want to get off or not? My place or yours? Bring the outfit.
Denny, I'm not really comfortable arguing this one.
Jerry, you want to make partner? You gotta take one for the team.
It's an unstable environment.
She's a perv, and we're not budging.
Okay, first and don't try any of your disgusting strategiesie to unsettle me.
Well, who's to say what'sisgusting? I could offer to close my eyes and suck on you as if you were a giant love peach.
I'm giving you 30 seconds to state your case, and then I'm out the door.
Emma and don't call me by my first name.
Daniella's doing very well with the current custody arrangement.
She's healthy, happy, very active.
She gets straight a's in school.
Her er sells her body as a sex worker.
She is not a sex worker she's a certified health professional who offers sex surrogacy as one of many therapeutic approaches to help people suffering with a dysfunction.
I understand you were one of her clients.
Yes.
She taught me several things I'd love to pass on to you.
Should we just get a room? Disgusting.
Iook, we're talking about a 10-year-old girl here.
I can't have you around her.
Martin, the shared custody if you and I don't see eye to eye, we can't make decisions together.
I'm afraid of your influence, of the impact you might make on her.
L-I-I just can't have it.
We'll see you in court, stud muffin.
Whoa! Ooh, tenderloin.
Tease.
Your ex-husband will testify first, then you.
Okay.
We'll try to avoid having to call daniella, but she'll likely have to at least talk to a judge in chambers.
Okay.
Joanna, it would take a lot for a judge to deny a mother custody of any kind.
Most mothers don't do what I do.
There's that.
Alan how are you doing? Me? Fine.
Why? Just asking.
Joanna, you never just ask.
What are you getting at? Well, your dialogue with opposing counsel was especially aggressive sexually aggressive.
That was just lawyer's gamesmanship.
The language I heard was not simply for another lawyer.
It was for a woman.
Say what's on your mind, joanna.
Okay.
Well, I've never said it before, but there's a part of you that's always been sexist.
But now you seem to be losing the ability, even the inclination, to connect with a woman in a nonsexual way.
What used to be a part is becoming the whole.
You know, given that your life with your daughter is about to be decided, I would think the last thing you'd want to do right now is to distract me.
No, you're right.
I apologize.
Let's go.
We pulled three guns off him at the scene.
Then when we went to arrest him the next day, he had five more guns on him.
He also had a little propane thing that wasn't legal.
A propane thing? Yeah, it was a device strapped to his buttocks.
Basically, he could break wind and turn his ass into a blowtorch.
And did he have any carry permits for these weapons? No, sir, he did not.
What would have happened had Mr.
Crane not been armed? Objection.
Calls for spulation.
Your honor, this officer has 15 years experience with criminals and their conduct.
He has foundation to speculate.
I'll allow it.
So how do you think it would've gone down? I'm sure he would've been mugged.
Possibly killed? Possibly, but it's also possible thank you, officer.
You've answered my question oh, one more thing, officer, honestly, when you arrested Mr.
Crane, did you want to? Objection! That one's sustained.
Oh, your honor, if I may what? By sustaining the objection, the jury will never learn that the officer really didn't want to arrest me, which he really didn't want to do.
I'm sorry, but her sex job makes her an inappropriate parent.
Objection to the term "sex job.
" It's inaccurate and makes me giggle.
Mr.
Shore, you turn this courtroom into a playground, and I'm gonna come down there and beat the crap outta you.
Ms.
Path, please.
And while this would be a call to action at any point in daniella's life, it is of even more pronounced concern at her current age, yes? Yes.
Girls are entering puberty earlier and earlier.
This is a very formative time for her.
A time when her moral and behavioral foundations are put into place about so many things, about sex.
Kids learn from what their parents say, from what their parents do, even from their unsaid attitudes.
In fact, say their mothers are their number one resource for issues like sex, h.
I.
V.
And a.
I.
D.
s.
, alcohol, drugs aren't you a little encyclopedic ball of fire? Mr.
Shore, do I have to come down there? Judge, I'm actually a fan of corporal punishment, escially when it comes from the rugged hands but hat's just me.
Ms.
Path, please continue.
What's your main issue, Martin? My ex-wife, in doing what she does, is giving daniella an excessivel permissive take on sex.
She's saying to my daughter, "it's okay to be sexual with people you don't love for money.
" Studies show that the more often parents discuss sex with their kids in an open and comfortable manner, the less likely the kids are to have sex early and casually.
This goes way beyond discussion.
It's also been found that the parent needs to initiate these exchanges, uh, as 77% of teenagers simply don't know how to bring it up.
Shouldn't you count yourself lucky that you have a trained professional in the family, someone skilled a little too skilled.
You were aware that jona was a sex surrogate - when you married her? - Well, yes, but did it turn you on? Objection.
Overruled.
Did it turn you on? Once you become a parent, you look at things differently.
That's a yes, it turned you on.
I told her I wanted her to quit.
We wanted to start a family, which we did, and she quit for a while, but then she went back to work.
Ah.
So women should only work until they become wives and mothers because that's their real calling, and a career is just something to do until their real lives start, which is mothering.
I didn't ask her to quit curing cancer or quit teaching kids to be concert violinists.
I asked her to give up the orgasm workshops.
- Move to strike.
- Overruled.
Something bothering you, Mr.
Shore? She threatened to beat you up? Yes.
- The judge? - Yes and the lawyer.
She'd beat me up if she could.
The little one who slapped me around? Yes.
She's a fiery number.
She'd wear you out at night, I'll bet.
Denny, do you think you and I are sexist? Us? We do tend to objectify women.
They love that, Alan.
They'd be mad if you didn't.
Do you think you treat women as your equal? I'm Denny Crane.
There's no man my equal, much less a woman.
Ah.
You know who the real sexists are in this country, Alan? It's the women.
It's the women media who tore up hillary, women who criticized her pantsuits, said she wasn't pretty enough, she should be softer, sexier.
Me? Hell, just give me the word, I'll throw her across my desk.
You're such a libertarian.
Alan, you and I are the last people who could be called sexist.
We love women, all women, even the fat ones.
Hell, sometimes I even prefer the fat ones.
What? Talking is the predominant element of surrogate therapy um, sharing information, providing emotional support, devising coping skills.
There are nonerotic body awareness exercises, sensory explorations and relaxation techniques.
And yet, these folks depict you as a strumpet with a plaque on the wall.
Less than 15% of my time with clients is spent engaging in sexual activities.
The goal is to reorient, to reeducate so that intimacy is possible, comfortable and healthy.
But is it primarily about sexual technique? It's primarily about intimacy, which often goes way deeper than sex.
Some women are self-loathing and use sex as an affirmation, which, of cose, completely backfires.
I have many men who love their wives, but nevertheless, hate women on some level.
Uh and you went back to work after your divorce because? I was eager to be an example to my daughter of an independent, self-sufficient woman.
For the most part, th went very well.
Would you like to explain that little personal shot at me? Excuse me? That comment about men hating women? That comment wasn't somewhat directed at me? No.
I have many male clients who are repulsed by feminism.
It had nothing to do with you, Alan.
But the fact that it hit a nerve is of course it hit a nerve! You've got my antennae up.
Then ask yourself why.
Joanna, I am not one of those men who hates women or is repulsed by feminism.
- I know that.
- I'm not.
I'm Iook, do you want me to win your daughter back? I do.
Then don't unsettle me with you know, Alan, you once told me, when you meet a woman, the first question you ask yourself is, "would I or wouldn't I, and how would it be?" That's the first question every heterosexual male asks himself.
We're built that way.
And for your information, it's now more like the third or fourth question I ask myself.
That doesn't mean I hate women.
When I knocked on your door the other day, you said hello and mentally undressed me in a heartbeat.
I do that with all people.
You looked fantastic.
The guy pulled a gun on me.
I pulled mine on him.
Yes.
The issue here isn't self-defense so much as but it was self-defense.
Absolutely.
I mean, if I didn't have my gun - you'd be dead.
Finis - gone.
- I had to shoot, saved my life.
- Boom and Jerry's.
Didn't shoot to kill.
Just to wound.
- Took a knee.
Boom and boom.
- And two feet.
Boom objection! You think this is funny? Funny uh, did you have a chuckle the last time somebody pulled a gun on you? This case is about concealing a handgun on the person, not about self-defense.
That doesn't mean we can ignore the reality that if Mr.
Crane didn't have his concealed weapon - dead.
Finis.
Boom.
- Gone.
Boom.
And boom.
Objection! Stop it! You think you have a constitutional right to conceal a weapon without a carry permit? I have a right to keep a gun at home.
The court says so.
You were on the street.
A man's home is where his heart is.
In my case, the penis.
Do you have any idea how many people die from gun violence in this country? Yeah, yeah.
Let's make a law no carrying guns.
I'm sure the criminals will obey it.
Show me where the constitution says you can walk the streets armed without a carry permit.
The constitution says whatever the supreme court says it says.
As for what the supreme court says, that all depends on who's president.
Move to strike.
You don't have to be a legal genius to know that if you've got a president in office who likes guns and a vice president who likes to hunt lawyers and quail and a supreme court justice who hunts with him, you're gonna have a constitutional right to shoot bad guys in the knee.
I swear to you, the man doesn't have alzheimer's.
He uses the mad cow as an excuse to do whatever the hell he wants, whether it's dropping his pants or shooting people.
He had a pet scan.
It showed he has plaque on his brain.
Says who? He's Denny Crane.
You don't think he could rig a pet scan? I'm telling you, the man knows what he's doing.
Is he going to win here? That I don't know.
We don't really have a defense.
Can you explain the wisdom in letting Jerry clo??? Denny's wisdom.
Since Jerry was also a victim, he's most able to put the jury in Denny's shoes that night.
Shirley.
Carl.
Shirley, um, do you find me terribly sexist? This isn't funny.
Answer the question.
Befo I respond, could you answer a question for me? Are you finished fiddling with my cheerleader outfit? L-I that's just a textile fetish.
Alan.
I respect women, every part of a woman.
I'd say especially the parts.
That's right.
So that isn't true, Shirley.
Is it? Alan, you know you are an iconic letch.
If I make you feel any better, sometimes even I like being ogled by you.
So do I.
I think the problem you're having is you feel reduced by the label.
You're not a simple man.
You're extremely complicated, brilliant, funny, profoundly layered, but fundamentally, you are, an incorrigible, irrepressible dog with a textile fetish.
I love this place.
Jerry? Denny.
What are you doing? Standing on my desk.
For any particular reason? I'm having an out-of-body experience.
I'm looking down on myself as I deliver my compelling closing.
Come on off the desk there, big fella.
Here, come to pa?? You want to do well here, don't you? I do.
'Cause lawyers who get me off tend to make partner, especially women lawyers.
Stop laughing, Jerry.
I notice you twiddling the wooden cigarette.
Makes you feel confident, does it? It helps.
Iook what I got here.
A wooden cigar.
It's yours if you do a good job, and by doing a good job, Jerry, you personally can ensure that every American has the right, the privilege of carrying a gun.
How many lawyers have that opportunity truly, Jerry? Does your mom ever bring any of her clients home? No.
Daniella, what exactly do you know about your mother's job? L-I know she's a sexual surrogate.
And you know what a sexual surrogate does? She treats people with, like sex problems and problems trusting and stuff.
And you know the nature of that treatment? How do you feel about that? I don't know.
Um o-okay, I guess.
I mean it's a little weird, but it's her job.
Daniella, can you tell me a little bit about what life is like at home with your mother? It's I don't know, normal, I guess.
Um, it's home.
And what do you and your mom do together? Lots of stuff.
We like to hike.
We like to play a lot of games you know, hearts, monopoly.
She's one of the coaches on my soccer team.
But mostly, she kinda nags me to do my homework and stop playing "guitar hero.
" Do you ever talk about your mother's job with her? Sometimes.
Daniella, I know this is an unfair question, but I am going to ask it.
Do you have a feeling about living either mostly with your mom or your dad? We are a nation of laws, and Mr.
Crane broke the law.
He carried a ccealed weapon eight of them, actually.
He has no defense nor has he offered one.
His only play would be to challenge the existing law.
He no doubt thinks the recent supreme court ruling empowers him.
It does not.
The ruling said that an individual has the right to bear arms.
It does not say he has a right to conceal them, nor does it hold that the stah@ can't impose?? ?? Onable restrictions on that right.
And this restriction is very reasonable.
by guns every year.
To put that in perspective, we have lost close to 4,000 soldiers in iraq during the war.
Kids are killed on the street walking to school.
People are shot dead in their houses, their places of work.
Do we really need another virginia tech to realize that this country has a problem which is epidemic? There are now more firearms in homes than pets.
Does the defense really mean to suggest that folks be allowed to walk around concealing their firearms? Or is it just that Denny Crane is above the law? Or maybe, as his testimony suggests, it's all in good fun.
Why be so concerned about something as trivial as human life? Jerry, you have to get up now.
Human life? Human life? Can we just please dispense with the human life jingle? It's so boring.
Of course we're all pro-human life.
Show of hands.
How many in favor of people not being dead? But let's face it.
We love guns.
Go to the movies, for Pete's sake, turn on your TV.
We're a pistol-totin', gun-lovin' people.
Remember, we started this country with the shot heard round the world, not a egislation.
" am I right? Look, Denny Crane is a lawyer himself, a scholar.
In fact, if there are two legal minds that were ever in perfect sync in this country, it would be those of antonin scalia and Denny Crane.
Check their d.
n.
A twins separated at birth, I tell you Denny and Tony, Tony and Denny.
Can you imagine £¿£¿y Crane on the supreme court? Wow.
Scalia, roberts, Thomas, alito and Crane talk about birds of a feather.
Y, what are you doing What am I doing? I'm celebrating the actions of my client.
I'm acknowledging that he, along with the supreme court not all, but the big five are smarter than any other supreme court we've ever had.
I mean, no other supreme court in our 200-year history could find a right to bear arms for nonmilitary purposes, but suddenly presto! Thank God for the big five, I tell you.
"A well regulated militia "being necessary to the security of a free state, "the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
" It turns out the trick is to just ignore the first 13 words.
Home free.
See, big Tony calls this "the prefatory clause.
" Prefatory I guess that means "worthless.
" And this is the operative clause.
Of course.
All this nonsense about the right being necessary for a well regulated militia, they put that in for fun, those founding father jokesters.
We weren't supposed to actually take this part seriously.
How could all those stupid supreme courts over the last 200 years have fallen for that? - May I have a word with cocounsel - no, you may not.
And enough with this "we're a nati of laws" crapola.
Please, we're a nation of politics.
Am I right? Am I right? The laws are simply devices to serve our ideologies.
For example, this court, which is the smartest in the history of the world, trumpeted individual liberties to protect guns?? But as for individual liberties for criminal defendants? Who needs 'em? And then in the guantánamo case, big Tony said individual liberties be damned when it means more human lives might be lost, but in the gun's case, it's hail, hail individual liberties, even though mo human lives might be lost.
That's consistent.
See, big Tony knows the score.
Iook to your politics.
That'll tell you what the law is.
Jerry.
Pipe down, sacky-boy.
These are smart judges, these supreemies.
And, boy, once we got the newbies, roberts and alito, the preemies the possibilities are just boundless.
They don't have to be bound by the constitution or the founding fathers.
Seems they'rt even bound by their ownrinciples.
Jerry.
Consider they always say political questions should be decided by elected officials, but as for guns nuh-uh! They say we need to pay close attention to the precise words in the constitution, but for guns nuh-uh! They say they dicial activism,?? But when it comes to guns nuh-uh! Don't you just love these preemies? Mccain does.
He wanfjo go out and find more judges exactly like t?? He's a smarty-pants, too, that mccain.
He knows how to become president.
He once cosponsored a Bill closing the gun show loophole.
But now? Nuh-uh! He now believes the second amendment means no gun control.
That might make him even smarter than big Tony and the preemies.
And obama, he's no dummy.
He once took a stand on firearms, but in his blueprint for change nada, nothing on gun control.
I guess we don't need that much change.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you cannot convict Denny Crane.
If anything, this man should behoanonized.
Oh, don't you love that word? Canonized.
Sounds like a big gun.
Show of hands, how many are titillated? Denny Crane, like big Tony, like the preemies, he doesn't look at the meaning of the constit cn and say why.
He sees meanings that never were and says why not? My client is a real American flag on his lapel, gun in his pants.
He shoots bad guys.
Boom, boom.
Boom, boom.
There is nothing more red, white and blue than him, a man who knows, as does our president, as do the big five human life is simply no match for a gun.
What the hell was that?! Was I not compelling? You just sent him to jail.
What could possibly possess you? You did, for starters.
You said to give Denny what he needs.
He needed to lose.
He needed to lose.
- And you made that decision? - Denny did.
Carl, my friend, the trick to changing a law is not to beat it, but to get beat.
Then you can appeal to a court that can change it.
What are you talking about? The Massachusetts legislature is never gonna let us pack pistols.
You gotta get it to the supreme court.
They'll take care of it.
You can't be serious.
You want to lose so you can appeal to the supreme court? Jey, my boy, let me present you a wooden cigar.
You earned it, my friend.
Thank you.
I'm a professional woman.
I have kids.
They understand what I do.
They ask me about my work.
They're proud to have me come to their school for career day.
And when I get this paycheck, they can feel coident that it doesn't represent one minute of me engaging in a sex act.
Will this be the case for daniella? What's in her best interests? Daniella's best interests lie with her father.
Let's not be outfoxed by the fancy talk and therapy-jargonized argument of Ms.
Monroe and her sleazy lawyer and allow daniella to be exposed to a woman who employs questionable philosophies and unfit moral practices in her chosen career.
The general laws of Massachusetts state that custody of a child includes the right and responsibility to see to the child's welfare and make major decisions about his or her education and medical care and emotional, moral and religious development.
Give daniella's father sole custody.
Don't make me hit you.
There was an incident in a shopping mall recently that incited a storm of protests and was well-covered by the media.
Apparently a woman was thrown out of a lingerie store because while she was sitting next to a mannequin that was wearing only a thong and a peekaboo bra, the woman started to breastfeed her baby.
Meanwhile, back in the capital, attorney general John ashcroft had mammoth drapes purchased to obscure two statues in the great hall of the department of justice because the female statue, spirit of justice, has one breast uncovered and the male statue, majesty of law, is bare-chested and wears a loincloth.
- What is your point? - My point is, this country has a profoundly paradoxical relationship with sex.
We damn infidelity, but our presidents have had extramarital affairs in and out of the white house.
The mistress keeping and rendezvousing of f.
d.
r.
, I.
b.
j.
, Billy Bob Clinton and grand champ j.
f.
k.
Are legendary, and other than the politically motivated impeachiim of Billy Bob, we went with it.
We didn't say you've engaged in inappropriate sexual behavior our culture finds inexcusable, so give up your children.
And by the way, when it comes to our children, we've entirely lost our heads.
When parents were surveyed about what they found most offensive in their kids' video games, a man and a woman having sex came in first as most offensive, beating out graphically severed human head, which came in third.
And yet we have more and more women proudly declaring to their friends over coffee, "I'm a milf at my kid's high school.
" M-I-l-f mother I'd like to forgive me for speaking this way in court.
Evidently, we've decided, instead of our traditional desexing of mothers, we now need to sex them up a bit.
Just talk about the fitness of this mother.
Joanna is a wonderful mother.
And part of her job is to help people find some semblance of order in this paralyzing mess, to help people find some clarity.
In today's world, we should all be assigned someone to help us navigate the waters of sex and sexism, because it's so easy to get lost, so woefully, woefully lost.
We need to bring sex out of the dark shadows where it can get twisted and torqued and we think nothing of using sex to sell products or movies, television shows, magazines, but when someone is addressing sex in a real, true, honest way, that's immoral? That's inappropriate? That's unfit? All right, you win.
I am maintaining dual custody.
Well, if you don't mind, I'd still like to finish what I have to say.
No.
Mr.
Monroe, what she does is clearly unconventional, but there is no sign that it's an unstable environment, and there's no evidence that your ex-wife is unfit.
Therefore, we are adjourned.
Thank you, your honor.
Yes.
Thank you, Alan.
Will it go straight to the supreme court? Well, no.
You'd have to lose at the appeals court.
Then you'd have to lose again with the s.
j.
c.
But not to worry.
Jerry's closing will get the job done.
Mr.
Foreman, you have reached a unanimous verdict? - We have, your honor.
- What say you? "In the matter"of the commonwealth of Massachusetts vs.
Denny Crane "on the charge of carrying a concealed firearm without a permit, we the jury find the defendant, Denny Crane, not guilty.
" We won? - What?! - Your honor, we appeal.
You can't appeal an acquittal.
You're the defendant.
This isn't right.
What happened? Sorry, Denny.
Guess you can't lose 'em all.
I can't lose any.
You really had your hopes up.
Well, it's one thing to be an icon but to be a cause célèbre a martyr even the idea of famous Hollywood people wearing a button "free Denny" I don't think Hollywood types wear buttons for gun nuts.
You actually think I'm a nut to carry a gun? To carry five all at once? Yes, Denny.
That raises you to lunatic status.
Oh, and you would never own one.
I didn't say that.
You're afraid to even hold one, you girl, you.
I have one, in a safe at home.
A.
38.
- You have a.
38? - Yes.
I see nothing wrong with that.
I see a lot wrong with assault weapons and people walking around like you, with guns.
Have you ever shot it? Just target practice.
I can't fathom a liberal like you owning a gun.
That's one of the problems in this country.
We have two camps those that like guns and those that don't.
Why can't there be a middle? Why can't we say okay to guns and okay to gun legislation? Why does it make someone a pinko-liberal-girl if he supports background checks and bans on assault weapons? That's a sexist remark.
You realize that? What? "A pinko-liberal-girl.
" Girls can like guns.
Never mind.
Just let me drink.
Fine.
I am sexist.
When I see a woman, my first thoughts are sexual.
It's not that I don't respect her intelligence, it's not that I wouldn't want a woman to be president, I'll even admit to the possibility that women are emotionally and intellectually superior to men, but I cannot deny, there's a part of me that sees a woman as this big, human mitten, perfectly designed to keep my cockles warm on a cold, winter's night.
Oh, Alan.
It's cultural.
It's biological.
And it's fun.
There are many ways men go dead as they age.
One way, they start incorporating all thlearned, politically correct behavior and thoughts into who they are, and in the process, deny what they are.
What are we? Animals.
Today's evolved men talk to each other about politics and kids and education.
They talk about anything and everything, and yet are profoundly lonely.
Why? 'Cause they're ashamed to share their most base instinct.
You and I are not like that.
When we're 90, wll be sitting on a park bench, a pretty girl will go by, and we'll say, "look at the rack on that one.
" You and I will never, ever be lonely.
And if the girl has a boyfriend who comes to confiscate our walkers? I've got my gun.
I feel better.
You should.
Alan you listen to Denny now.
Yes.