Cougar Town s05e03 Episode Script

Jules? Oh, good.
It's just you.
Were you napping under your desk? Bonnie and Jerry just left a message saying they're popping in to ask me a favor.
Those two are so annoying.
Jules, your obligation to the client ends once they move into the house.
I know, but they call me constantly for help.
Today, I'm putting my foot down.
Hell, yeah, you are.
- Mm.
- Except for you won't.
Okay, here they are.
- Hey, Jules! - Hi Grayson.
Bonnie.
Uh All right.
Jules, we can't decide on a color for the den.
Pine green? Forest green? Asparagus? Do you think you could spare a day to go over some swatches with us? You know, I don't think I'm doing anything today, so sure.
- You're the best.
- Okay.
- Let's get out of here.
- Okay.
- Bye, Grayson.
- Bye.
Help me.
You did this to yourself.
Ugh.
_ Okay.
Who wants cookies? Again? We have a freezer full of last year's Thin Mints.
You know, you need to be careful.
Those saleskids are super gossipy.
Before you know it, every preteen cookie pusher is gonna be stalking you like I stalked my seventh grade boyfriend after I caught him tongue-stabbing my foster sister.
Ironically, I pretended to sell cookies, and that's how I got into his house.
- Wah! - Jules, why were the cookie girls high-fiving you after they left our house? How should I know? Hey, sexy! How'd you get your abs so tight? Nice try.
You're a pushover.
Just can't say "No.
" And since you're asking, reverse crunches.
Shred me up.
Oh.
I'm not a pushover.
Said the girl who spent yesterday looking at paint swatches with two lunatics.
Speaking of, they dropped off a sure-to-be-insane thank you gift.
My money's on toenail clippings.
Oh.
It's a wedding invitation.
Oh, thank goodness I already decided I'm never attending another wedding.
What if Trav and I get married? Jules will tell me all about it.
Why do they want us at their wedding anyway? I mean, I've only met 'em, like, twice, and both times, Bonnie tried to eye-molest me.
It's not funny.
She stared at my snack pack like it was a magic eye poster.
Well, I think we should go.
Mnh.
Sorry, but they're getting married on the day of my roller hockey finals.
- I'm not going.
- Ah.
The classic husband and wife standoff.
She wants one thing, he wants another.
- What will they choose? - Hmm? Well, how do you and Andy decide things like this? Hmm.
Let me think.
We compromise.
Well, this is our last lap, so please do your thing, try not to eat it.
What is it, bud? I'm telling you, those are Dog Travis' puppies.
Dad, you had Dog Travis fixed.
You made us bury his little buddies in the backyard.
I just know they're up there now, watching over all of us.
Must not have taken.
Luckily, I got some puppy fur, and I know a guy with DNA kits.
The pup-ternity results are in.
Dog Trav is the father! - Ohh! - Yee-hee-hee-hee-hee! - Ha, ha! - Maury Povich dance! Whoo! Whoo! DT's a father! DT's a father! Yee-hee-hee-hoo! Hey.
I found a way to get through all those cookies.
Taste the Thin Mint julep.
Hmm.
Wow! That's terrible.
I know.
I just wanted it to work because I love the name so much.
Look, you have hockey games all the time.
Bonnie and Jerry are only gonna get married once.
- Probably.
- Well, then you go to the wedding, and I'll go to my game.
Go to a wedding by myself?! Oh, you're probably one of those people that thought it was cool to go stag to your prom.
Travis went stag to his prom.
Yeah, until I showed up.
And then we danced the night away.
It was a masquerade theme.
He didn't know it was me.
I wonder why he's so weird.
You can't say no to people, not even to people you barely know.
- I know them.
- Really? Okay, what's Bonnie's last name? What's Jerry's last name? Uh, where are they from? What's their phone number? Look, you can't say "No" to people, but fortunately I can.
Seinfeld! That's his last name! His name is not Jerry Seinfeld.
Then how come it sounds so familiar? Hey, Tom? We ran out of wine.
Can we borrow some Holy shi--nia Twain.
What the hell is this? It's my mini cul-de-sac.
Modeling's always been a-a hobby.
Yeah, at first I just started with one house, but as it grew, I realized I was in control of the whole world.
Like a God.
Uh, pretty cool, huh? It's all exactly to scale.
What's Grayson's doing laying facedown in the bathtub? Oh, no.
How did that happen? It's me! You gave me triceps.
I noticed you've been trying.
Yeah.
- Oh.
Mom will like the size of her boobs.
- Yeah.
And her hair color is perfect.
I used printer ink.
Mrs.
Torres! Okay, this is weird.
- This doll is physically colder than the others.
- Uh, yeah.
Whoa.
Hold up.
Tom, is this supposed to be me? I don't wear this much makeup.
This doll looks insane.
What are you talking about? It looks just like you.
It's identical.
Seriously?! Uh-oh.
Hey, Tom, I can't help but notice that, uh, Grayson is very tiny, and you are extremely jacked.
That's, uh, forced perspective.
You-- you wouldn't understand.
Let's see what Bobby and Andy are up to.
I can't wait to meet my grandpuppies.
Welcome to the family, big guy.
I'm your in-law Bobby Cobb.
Excuse me? The pups.
My dog is their pop.
How's this work? I name half, and you name half? 'Cause I wanna call him Gizmo.
That tickles.
Hey, is it too early to talk holidays? 'Cause you can have Thanksgiving but I need Christmas, 'cause I wanna put 'em all in little tiny Santa hats.
Look, I don't know who the hell you guys are, but stay away from my dogs! Stay away! Hi.
Would you like to buy some cookies? Fine.
I'll buy the whole bag.
- Here you go.
- Jellybean was right.
The word is spreading.
Oh, crap-- Bonnie and Jerry.
Act like you're sad we can't make it to the wedding.
Hey, guys! Hi! Oh! Come here! Mmm! - Oh! - Nope.
Looks like we're having lunch.
Actually, we were just leaving.
- Gotta go.
See ya.
- I'm sorry.
Bye, guys.
Oh! We got your RSVP.
We are so happy you're coming to the wedding.
Great.
We're registered at Radio Shack.
That's funny.
I'm pretty sure I marked "No," sealed the envelope, and put into the mailbox.
So unless somebody got it out of the mailbox and changed our reply Oh, my God.
Your abs are tighter today.
How do you do it? I added pilates to my workout.
Oh, so smart.
Travis is right.
This is insane.
That's funny.
My doll's shirt is the same material as my favorite dress that I can't find.
That is funny.
I can't believe you're making me miss my hockey game.
Oh, wait.
I just had a brain-flood.
If you mean "A really good idea," it's a brainstorm.
Why? Storms are dark and confusing.
A flood is a huge rush.
Ellie? Change approved! Mm.
Why don't we go to both? The wedding's at 3:00.
The game's at 4:00.
We hit the wedding, we show our faces, and then we go to the game.
I promise you this will work.
Hey, Tom, how did you know that one of my boobs is slightly larger than the other? That's it.
I'm going to check our room for cameras.
He won't find them.
What kind of man wants to keep a bunch of adorable dog pups away from their loving human grandpappy? I'd say a normal one.
Babe, back me up here.
No, I'm sorry.
What? It's just, I can't hear you through all the layers of clown makeup that I'm wearing.
And if you'll excuse me, I'm due back at the circus.
You know, where clowns work.
- What was that about? - Huh? I accidentally said something that hurt her feelings.
Travis, you should never accidentally hurt someone's feelings.
It should be done with intent and purpose.
Those shorts accentuate your baldness.
Good one.
I should really go after her.
Honey, your nastiness just gave me a great idea.
Did you have a brain-flood? What? Where'd that come from? I have no idea.
But I approve.
All right.
You can help Bobby.
I'm out.
Come on! He needs a lawyer.
You're the most savage, ruthless ballbuster I've ever met.
Go on.
You look smoking hot when you wear your ass-kicking heels and you've been thinking about going back to work.
This jackass won't even let me visit Dog Travis' bastard puppies.
I do love destroying jackasses.
How big a jackass is he? He wears a puka shell necklace.
When do we start? They're having their wedding in Bobby's boat yard? Well, Bobby owed Jerry 6 bucks, and this is how they squared up.
I love it! What do you think the theme is? Mm, an AA meeting? Craigslist? STD clinic.
I was thinking more like an afternoon in a beachside paradise.
And then there's that guy.
I'm watching the clock, okay? I gotta make my game.
I thought this through.
You have your jacket? - Check.
- Good.
You're gonna leave it on the back of your dinner chair.
And that way, people will think we're up mingling all night.
Mnh.
My dad left this jacket to me when he died.
Do you want to go to the game or not? Great.
Let's go photo bomb some pictures.
That guy's got a bird on his head.
Trav, what happened? Well, after the meteor hit, I woke to find I have a new power-- human flight! Hey! Whoa! Hi.
- I was just--just, uh - Shh, shh, shh.
It's okay.
It's a safe place.
Just let your imagination run free.
I do.
Believe me.
Hey, guys.
Wow.
I would say that was insane if I wasn't holding a doll version of my own mother.
Well since you obviously think that I have a ridiculous clown face, I've decided to hide it from you.
So you're welcome.
Well, now I need to make a tiny little helmet.
Laurie, I'm sorry.
This is the new me, Travis.
You should just get used to it.
Laurie! Let's see what Bobby and Ellie are up to.
You are in good hands.
I have never lost in this suit.
I call it "The Widow-Maker.
" Game time.
Heels.
Damn! You brought the heat, girl.
Let's go kick this guy's ass.
Excuse me? If your poop scooping schedule will allow, I'd like to have a word about those pooches.
- Me? - No, the other guy with the wagon full of puppies.
Are you aware that chapter 61 of Florida Family Law statutes state that you must comply with all parenting schedules? Three days a week and alternating holidays - will be fine.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm also aware that Florida Family Law only applies to humans.
Honey, you're not as scary as you think.
Buh-bye now.
What just happened? Did we lose? Oh, would you stop looking at your watch? Just relax and enjoy the insane assortment of people.
Okay, fine.
Hey, look-- Scott Baio.
Hey, look over there.
There's the bad guy from every black-and-white movie.
Oh, you think that's bad? Check out "How many meatballs can I fit into my mouth?" guy.
Oh, no.
A-a different guy.
- Oh! - Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.
We're about to start.
Wow.
I can't believe we're starting on time.
- This actually might work.
- I told you I knew what I was doing.
Now the second they walk down the aisle, we're outta here! - Mmm! - Mmm! Hey! What are you two doing in the cheap seats? Maid of honor and best man need to be up front.
I'm sorry.
M-maid of what now? - Hurry up! We're starting! - Got the rings? What? I'm kidding! I've got the rings.
Come on! Well, that's a small little wrinkle in the plan.
I'm sorry.
I thought that "First mate" was just a cutesy name for "Guest.
" Why couldn't you just say "No" in the first place? So I'm making a viral video out of this.
Act surprised when my friend Fat Dave streaks the ceremony.
Mm, okay.
- Please don't be mad.
- I should've known better.
Seriously? Right now? All right, um, I'll take one box.
Peanut butter.
Pay you later.
It's incredible how much this doll look likes me.
I'd sue you for using my likeness, but I'd probably lose.
Yeah, well, this Bobby doesn't have any puppies either.
That guy wasn't afraid at all.
I've lost my edge.
No.
You're still as terrifying and vicious as ever.
Tom, show her your Ellie doll.
No, no.
The other one.
Angry Ellie.
No, thank you.
I don't want to.
Tom, do it.
See, Ellie? This is how tom envisions you in his head-- as a giant, horrible dragon.
You do? Oh, Tom Now go find that puppy-hoarding jackass and let him taste the wrath of the dragon lady.
Puka shell is goin' down.
Yeah! Knock-knock.
Okay, can you just take that thing off so we can talk? Look, I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings.
I like that you wear a lot of makeup.
I mean uh, you're like a like a beauty pageant queen.
Not one of those slutted out "Toddlers & Tiara" freaks.
What are you talking about? Aah! Why can't I just say this? You know, we never fought about anything before those stupid yet skillfully crafted dolls.
You're right.
This is all because of Tom and his freaky dolls.
You know what? I'm gonna put an end to this right now.
Wait up! Guess I won't be needing that.
You were wearing a groin cup? Yeah, because I was gonna try and skate right into the game.
Also 'cause Bonnie tried to grab me there twice already today.
But who cares now anyway? Because we're stuck at this stupid crapfest of a wedding.
All right, so now it is time for the toasts, everybody.
What? Oh.
Hi.
Marriage is supposed to be about compromise.
But then you get steamrolled by your people-pleasing wife and you miss your street hockey playoff game, all to hang out with a bunch of jackasses.
Cheers.
How great is this guy? Jules' turn! Jules' turn! Ow! Okay, um first off, congratulations to you, Bonnie.
I saw that baby bump.
What's she talking about? Oh.
Oh.
A-anyway, um Well, my wedding day-- well, my second wedding day--- was the happiest day of my life.
And I hope the same for you, Bonnie and Jerry.
You know, sometimes you try so hard to make everyone else around you happy that you overlook the happiness of the person that you love most.
And that's not okay.
So what I'm trying to say, Bon and Jer, is just always put the other person first.
All right.
Now it's time to toss the garter! Line up, boys! Hold on.
I got something to add.
I just wanna add that, if you're the woman that goes out of their way to make everyone else happy-- and I'm obviously talking about you here, Bonnie.
- Yeah.
- You do so because you've got the biggest heart of anyone I know.
And that is what makes you irresistibly attractive to me.
Oh.
I love you so much.
I love you, too.
Oh.
And I love you Bon and Jer.
You've never looked more beautiful than you look right now.
Ooh! Ooh.
Dessert came early.
Hey, puka-face.
Oh, yay.
I'll admit, last time I brought the weak sauce.
But then I remembered why I became a lawyer in the first place-- to see the look in the eye of some cocky, d-bag jackass the moment he realizes that his testicles are gonna be legally ripped from his body and shoved up his pompous ass.
You mean Here is your half of the litter.
Wait.
What? I own 'em? No, I just wanted to be able to play with 'em.
I didn't want to own 'em.
Babe, you did it.
I knew you still had it.
Thank you for always reminding me what a ballbuster I am, Boo.
- A quick? - Yeah.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! What am I supposed to do with all these puppies? Hey.
Hey! Stop humping! That's your kin! Oh, hey! No, no, no, no! No tinklin'! Oh, you! I'm gonna go left eye on this dollhouses.
Oh, Trav, y-you don't know what it was like for me.
I grew up in a dozen foster homes, just another kid hauling fertilizer and gasoline across state lines.
I wanted a way to stand out and keep my identity.
Doing my makeup different than everybody else is how I got that.
So it kinda felt like you were making fun of who I am.
Aw, I-I think you're always gorgeous.
Every once in a while, I wanna see the plain and natural you.
Aw, you really mean that? What, what?! Yeah.
Come here.
That's what I meant to say.
Hold that thought.
I guess maybe I can mix it up every once in a while.
You're beautiful.
You know what else would be beautiful? Here, let me get this top off.
Absolutely not.
I'm not sure that move is safe for a pregnant woman.
Mnh.
You know, our wedding was the best day of my life, too.
Even happier than when someone thought you were gay because you were in such good shape? That was a good day.
Still, I'd rather be here with you at this crappy wedding than at my stupid hockey game anyway.
Ooh! You're so sweet.
Mmm.
You're such a liar.
No, I'm not.
Really? Then why are you wearing your skates? - Get outta here.
- Are you serious? Go get 'em, champ! I'm gonna kick some ass! Whoo! No, you're not.
Oh, Tom, thanks for coming by.
Oh, surprise, no problem.
Where's Grayson? Hey, has anybody mentioned my name? I got stung in the face by a bunch of hornets.
It's all puffy.
I can't really hear anything and I can't see anything.
Oh! I just tripped.
I have to deal with him now.
You know, I feel such a connection to you sometimes.
Ha.
Yeah, me, too.
No, I mean it.
Like a real connection.
What? Shh.
Don't talk.
What is that? It looks like a giant mutant puppy.
Tom! Tom! Save me! Oh, no! And his friend Destructo is coming, too! It's got Grayson! It's got Grayson!