Cuckoo (2012) s05e03 Episode Script

1 How was everything, madam? I'm afraid I won't be paying.
There was a hair in my food.
Sloppy, very sloppy.
But you still ate the food.
And this is the third time this week this has happened.
What can I say? Maybe you British people need to shave your chefs more often.
It's almost as though you're trying to get out of paying the bill.
You are hilarious.
That really tickled me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.
(SHE WHISTLES) Shit! Hey there, Dylan.
Ivy, it's not what it looks like.
What does it look like? - Like you're dealing drugs.
- No.
No way.
Mate, mate.
I think I gave you two 20s instead of a 20 and a 10 for the drugs.
Just don't tell Mum and Dad.
What kind of drugs are we talking about? Quaalude, K2, benzodiazepine? It's so hot right now.
How do you know all of this? I used to live four doors down from Snoop Dogg.
We used to get high and watch American Idol.
Man, I miss Snoop Dogg Sundays.
Do you want to see my weed farm? Hell, yeah.
Ha! Yeah, we're used to showing people round bungalows, so this is a nice change.
Wow.
Come on in.
Alrighty, then.
This place is huge.
It reminds me of my old pool house.
Literally, there is just an attic sitting there.
Why not make a little bit of extra money? Welcome to my drug empire.
What have you got there? Some of my old diaries.
I thought I might write them up into a book.
Is this because of your sister? Ken, you're great just as you are, look at what you've achieved.
What have I achieved? Well I wasn't really expecting a follow-up there.
Thank you.
Morning, Thompsons.
Can't stay and chat, got deals to do, but I just thought I'd bring round some gifts before I go and meet Auntie Ivy.
Mum, that's for you.
Rach, there you are.
I don't really like you spending so much time with her, Dylan.
She's a very damaged, troubled individual with amazing hair.
No offence, but she is much cooler than any of you pricks.
Dylan, that is very offensive.
- Wow, Armani! - Mm, the real deal.
Yeah, there's only one R in Armani.
Yeah, all right, they're fakes but, come on, they're the best fakes on the market, they weren't cheap.
You know, there are other ways of showing someone you love them other than consumerism.
Me and Tash were talking about this yesterday.
We think we should just get rid of consumerism.
- Just get rid of it, yeah? - Yeah.
So all shops and businesses have gone.
I hope you have grown some veg, Rachel, because there's going to be shit-all for dinner tonight.
Well argued, Dad.
There's an inscription, "Love you, Mum.
" "Twat"? Thanks.
Oi, where's my gift? A grand cash if you shit yourself right now.
Dylan, I have told you before, I'm not going to deliberately shit my pants.
Fair enough.
But I'll find your ceiling one day.
Oh, wow.
Listen to this.
"Met a girl at The Hummingbird tonight, Lorna.
"Asked her out for a drink next week.
" Aw, you two! Sweet, wasn't I? "She seems all right, but don't know if it'll go anywhere.
"She is only an estate agent.
" Oh.
Now, context is important here.
Only an estate agent? Ken, I had men fighting in the streets over me.
Well, you didn't, did you, Lorn? You just lived in a rough area.
Come on, Lorn.
Everyone thinks estate agents are cocks.
Great.
I'm a cock.
Thanks very much.
No, Lorn Lorn! - (DOOR CLOSES) - Look at Dylan, it sort of proves my point.
"Boy George was on Top Of The Pops again.
She's beautiful.
" The '80s were a very confusing decade.
I've got a surprise for you.
We've slightly expanded.
Lights, Dylan.
Oh, my God.
Give me the lead.
It's massive.
I can't believe you've done all of this.
Please! It was your idea.
Think of me as barely involved, untraceable.
I'm willing to give you 100% of the credit for just 50% of the money.
That is so solid of you to do that because you're the one who's done all the work.
Okey dokey.
We're done here.
Just think about the money you'll be making.
You'll be able to buy a place like this.
Yeah.
Eight beds, swimming pool Heck, this place even has a panic room.
Panic room.
We used to have his and hers panic rooms.
Ivy, so, obviously being a drug dealer is really great and I'm not scared of prison, you know, I can do time, but it's just this whole thing now all of a sudden seems a lot more illegal than what I had going before.
Illegal? It's weed.
In America, you can buy it at the store.
And you are American, so none of this is illegal.
- My God, that's awesome.
- Sure.
Today, weed farm, tomorrow, drug factory.
And you know what happens in drug factories? Murders? The women have to go topless to stop them from stealing the product.
But, hang on, when you say topless, do you mean like bras or is it actually all out? Because sometimes when you go to these topless beaches, you get there and the women aren't even properly topless and it's like, I've driven all the way there, and they must know as well as I do that petrol does not grow on trees.
They can be as topless as you want.
Well, then, count me in, partner.
Silent partner.
Well, OK, then.
Your mum's still not returning my texts.
What should I do? Maybe say, "Sorry I belittled your career, your life, and cheapened any sense of self-worth that you have.
" Rachel, it was something I wrote 30 years ago.
Besides, estate agents aren't exactly saving lives, are they? Later, Dad.
Where are you off to? I'm off to meet Ben and Tash.
You're not still into Ben, are you? You're spending a lot of time with him and his new girlfriend.
My God, no way.
I love Ben, but he's Ben.
But Tash, Tash is really cool.
We're going to this protest art thing.
There will be hundreds of us naked outside the Bull Ring.
Why? - We're protesting inequality.
- Right.
Well, I'm sure inequality is going to take a while to get over that kicking.
(DOOR OPENS) (DOOR CLOSES) Yes, hello.
I wonder if I could book an appointment to see the three-bed terrace on Coalville.
Great.
Who covers that area for you? Lorna Thompson, OK.
Yeah.
My name? It's, um David Steel.
(KNOCKING) Mr Steel? Lorna Thom Ken.
28 years ago, I was wrong.
I made a mistake.
You're not just an estate agent.
- You're a hero.
- Aw.
And anyway, yeah, there's a few bad apples, but if it wasn't for estate agents, where would The Apprentice get all their wankers from? Sorry? Oh, come here, you big softie.
You sure know how to make a big romantic gesture, Ken.
I'm not Ken.
Ken belittles people's careers.
David Steel would never do that, although he did have some pretty harsh words to say about David Owen's leadership of the SDLP.
Sorry.
Champagne? Maybe later.
Mr Steel.
Ooh, call me David.
Tell me more about David Steel.
Really? Well, Liberal leader from '76 to '88, - for my money, Steel - Shut up, Ken.
I don't need the actual facts.
You're ruining the moment.
Are we having a moment? Well, we are alone together in an empty house, and you have 45 minutes of your viewing time left.
Yes! It's on your nose.
It's on yours now.
What's up with you two? Have you joined a cult? Just a man and a woman high on love and life, Rachel.
- OK.
- Let's just say your dad has made his way back - into my good books.
- Aw, that's nice.
Twice.
Ooh! Num-num-num! We might need some help when it comes time to harvest.
The homeless will work for nothing, right? You two have been spending a lot of time together.
What can I say? We are growing our relationship.
Yeah.
I guess WE'D FARM much Shut up now, Dylan, honey.
OK.
Right.
Jesus! - Steve! - Rachel, nice evening.
It's starting to really feel like spring.
- What are you doing? - Just checking up on my beloved.
Ivy.
There's something weird going on between her and Dylan.
Yeah, I've sort of noticed that.
Spending the whole day together, private conversations.
Yeah, pretty clear what's happening here.
An incestuous aunt and nephew relationship.
Are you insane? Incest, that is not what is happening.
It's obvious, I blame Game Of Thrones.
It used to be that incest was frowned upon.
Illegal.
Now since your Lannisters are doing the Norfolk nasty every other week, - the box is wide open.
- Steve, even for you, this is mental, there is absolutely no incest going on in our family.
Coming from a woman who slept with her husband's son.
That was complicated, and there's nothing going on here.
- Dylan would never - Hmm.
- I mean, he'd probably never - Yeah.
Mind you, he has done some weird stuff.
- Yes.
- Even he - Wouldn't he? - Hmm.
Only one way to find out.
Tomorrow, you and me, we'll follow them, a good old-fashioned stakeout.
OK, fine, but if I agree to do this, you leave us alone and stop watching us eat.
- Deal.
- OK.
See you at 0800, and bring a gun, if you've got one.
Good evening, Mr Steel.
Oh.
Get on with it! Miss Thompson.
You find me alone.
My husband has just popped out.
The man's a damn fool.
Leaving you alone with a man like me around.
- Yeah, the prick.
- Lorn! - Sorry.
Got a bit too into it.
Come on, kiss me.
David, you're so powerful.
Well, what David Steel wants, he gets.
That's why, as a relatively unknown Liberal backbencher, he was able to pass meaningful reform on abortion.
OK, let's stop, Ken.
Sorry, love, it's just not the same.
No, I know.
It's just earlier was so bad, so exciting, in a in a strange house.
We could have been caught at any moment.
I've got an hour free for viewings tomorrow.
Do you think David Steel would like to view another property? Well, I hear he is in town, and he loved what he saw today, and he is a very motivated buyer.
Oh, yeah? I hear he has a sizeable deposit.
Yes, he does.
And he's chain-free.
That one doesn't work.
No, it doesn't.
Better get some sleep, Mr Steel, you're going to need your energy tomorrow.
- Night, Lorn.
- Night, Ken.
Look at it.
My own drug empire.
Made this much money in a week, man, we make a good team.
My brains and your teeth.
Yeah, I've always had really good teeth.
Grab the broken lamp.
We've got to get out of here and let the money grow.
So what do we do now? Play the old waiting game, the old watch and wait, look and learn, hide and seek, dance Yeah, can we do it without talking? Not my style, Rach.
Can I tempt you to some stakeout food? Steve, why the hell have you brought a tub of lamb? It's got everything, protein, vitamins, zinc, testosterone.
It's vital if things kick off.
No, I can't have lamb, I'm vegan now.
Me and Tash are both vegan.
- Actually, it's really interesting - I hate to break it to you, Rachel, it's not interesting.
It's not interesting at all.
Urgh.
I've made us a stakeout mix tape.
Midnight - Hope you like show tunes.
- Not a sound from the pavement (PHONE RINGS) Hey, Tash.
Yeah, I'm on a stakeout.
No, Steve! Yeah, I know, mental, right? Oh, no, you're right, mental is a problematic term.
I said it's a problematic term.
You've been a real find.
When I first came to Lichfield, England, I thought all the Thompsons were failures, no offence.
I mean, they are, they are all fuck-ups.
Well, but not you.
You've got Big Jack's genes.
I tell you what, you're not the only one with brains because I have come up with the best plan for how we can shift the rest of our weed.
Great.
Who better to deal drugs than drug dealers? Come again? Yeah, so I've been in touch with a big local dealer and told them about our set-up and asked him to come down for a sample.
Genius or what? Dylan, you total idiot.
We have no security and you advertised our set-up to a rival drug dealer.
He's not going to steal it.
It's the dealers' code.
Oh, my God.
Did Lorna drop you on your head every day? Is that why there's nothing in there? - (DOOR RATTLES) - Panic room.
Panic room.
Fucking heels.
This way! Shit, shit, shit.
What are we going to do? Sit your ass down, think about how dumb you are and hope they don't break in to the attic.
God, they are really tearing the place apart.
You're too strong, David.
You're too powerful.
Take me upstairs, David.
Take me upstairs and make love to me.
Say my name.
David Steel.
Vote for me! Vote for me.
- I'll be your ballot box, David.
- Vote for me! And still I dream he'll come to me I'll fight for you.
I'll fight - Nothing happened? - Nope.
- No? - No.
I'm going to take a look.
There must be some way of getting the security system online.
I did it! Urgh.
(SHE CHUCKLES) You are shitting me.
I'm the founder of the Lib Dems! I'm the founder of the Lib Dems! Look at your parents.
I started the whole movement! We've got company.
God, do you think they're the drug dealers? Of course they're the drug dealers.
Shit, what if they find Mum and Dad? Good point, Champ, go get them.
I am not going near that.
You're the one who invited rival drug dealers to our weed farm.
Fuck.
Ivy! I'm coming! (HE YELLS) Boo! Fucking hell, Tash.
You shit yourself.
I thought we'd come along, join the stakeout.
It's not anything dangerous, is it? No, it's pretty boring, Ben, to be honest with you.
Right, put some clothes on, you are both coming with me.
Dylan! I don't want to hear about it, OK? Just cover yourselves up and come quickly.
I'm dressed, Dylan.
I'm dressed! What the hell are you doing here? I had a viewing booked.
Yes, I saw your VIEWING, Mum, and I will deal with that one day in therapy, but right now the priority is to just get the fuck out of here.
Where's Dad? Oh.
Yeah.
Pow! Ooh, David! Steve should be out by now.
What if he's in trouble? Let's check it out.
Or we could just stay here and No, OK.
You're in a drug turf war? Only a little one, Mum.
This is your doing, isn't it? I knew you were a bad influence the minute you came into our house.
I didn't know anything about your son's weed farm.
I'm as shocked as you are.
We have to do something.
Your dad could be caught at any minute.
Bloody hell, is he dancing? Yes, please, police.
Not a good play, Lorna.
The police come, you have to show them your son's drug empire.
Mum, I can't go to prison, please tell the policeman, I'm not going to prison, Mum, I'll be good.
Fine, but get your dad out of there now, and give those men your dope.
Mum, nobody calls it dope.
Just do it, Dylan.
Bad idea, Dylan.
Think about the money, all that hard work.
You want to give it away for Ken? Bloody hell.
Steve! What happened? Dad! - What the f? - Ken! What are you doing here? Open your eyes, Rachel, he's in on the old incest thing too.
Couldn't resist, could you, Ken, eh? Picking apples from your own orchard? Shut up, Steve.
What is going on? Right! Give us the farm now, or we do it the hard way.
Who the fuck are you? No! Stop, stop, please, take everything, take the whole farm, - just don't hurt anyone, especially me.
- Everything? Yeah, go for it, just take it all.
I'll give you the keys.
Don't shoot! Just don't shoot.
We can sort this out through dialogue.
Mum, I've sorted it, OK? They are going to leave.
Dylan set up a drug farm in this house.
Did he, indeed? I hope you've learned a valuable lesson, young man.
Yes, I did, actually, it was don't break into random houses and start shagging.
Oh, wait! That was you, Dad.
It really does have to be seen to be believed.
Lorna.
Hi.
Hi, Amanda.
You remember my husband, Ken? Hello, Amanda.
Don't forget to show them round the library, that's a lovely space, isn't it? It's beautiful.
It's full of books.
And I believe the schools are excellent in the area.
- Really excellent.
- Yeah.
I went to that school.
I got really good marks.
So, would you like to see the library?