Dad's Army (1968) s05e03 Episode Script
A Soldier's Farewell
Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
.
2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? My darlIng, we have only a few short hours before the shIp takes me to Elba.
MARIE: But why don't you try to escape to AmerIca? I cannot escape my destIny.
I must follow my star.
Oh, Napoleon, the BrItIsh hate you.
They wIll kIll you.
Rubbish.
NAPOLEON: You cannot kIll a man who Is already dead.
WIthout you, my darlIng, MarIe, I am an empty shell.
MARIE: Then I wIll go wIth you.
NAPOLEON: No, my darlIng.
We wIll say goodbye now.
FRAZER: Rubbish.
Oh, Napoleon.
NAPOLEON: The BrItIsh broke my army, but you have broken my heart.
I wIll never know a love lIke yours, Napoleon.
I leave you standIng here, MarIe.
And In your care, I leave the most precIous thIng In my lIfe.
La belle France.
(NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING) CONDUCTOR: Your fares ready, please.
I've never seen anything so disgraceful in my life.
Everybody charging out like that during the national anthem.
I thought at least you would have stayed, Wilson.
As a sergeant, it was your job to set an example to the men.
I couldn't help it, sir.
I just got carried off in the rush.
Really? I'm surprised at you, Godfrey.
I thought you'd have shown more respect.
I assure you, sir, it wasn't lack of respect.
It was only that I had to leave rather quickly for a rather urgent reason.
You enjoy the picture, Mr Mainwaring? No, not really.
I would have thought that a picture about Napoleon would have concerned itself with strategy and tactics.
I thought we might have learned something.
Instead of which he seemed to spend most of his time chasing Greta Garbo around a four-poster bed.
Well, that is strategy and tactics, isn't it? Well, I certainly learned something from it.
A bit late to do anything about it now, I reckon.
What do you think, Jock? Ah, rubbish.
Sheer rubbish! A wicked waste of one and six.
Hey, Joe, what about when he took her in his arms in the snow? Yeah, smashing.
(MIMICKING NAPOLEON) ''My darling, you have beautiful hair, ''beautiful eyes, beautiful lips, beautiful moustache.
'' Hey, I like the bit where Napoleon was saying farewell to his troops.
Hey, I know, why don't we all do an impression of Charles Boyer? Whoever does it worst has to pay all the fares.
Yeah, good idea, Pikey.
You start.
-Me? -Yeah.
Right.
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) ''Soldiers of France, our cause is lost.
''Your emperor will now say goodbye.
''With this kiss, I embrace you all.
'' That was rotten.
Hey, how about this? Here we go.
''Soldiers of France, our cause is lost.
''I'm all going to give you a nice big kiss.
'' Did you enjoy the picture, Sponge? -Not really, Sarge.
I couldn't see very well.
-Oh, Lord.
You know, we should have sat in the nine-pennies, Mr Mainwaring.
Oh, no.
I wouldn't sit in those cheap seats down in the front.
You never know who's been sitting in them.
Right, now let's have a bit of a singsong.
# Oh the first is number one And the fun has just begun Roll me over, lay me down and do it again Be quiet! Roll me over, roll me over Be quiet! (WILSON) # Roll me over Lay me down and do it again # Wilson, sit! I get so excited with that song, sir.
I'm so sorry.
I beg your pardon.
It does excite me though.
What's happened to everybody? The discipline's gone to pot.
Fares, please.
Any more fares? Yes, two to Walmington-On-Sea, please.
I must apologise for my men singing that ribald song.
That's quite all right.
I get far worse than that.
Really? Most distressing for you.
I get used to it.
After all, there is a war on.
That's no excuse for slack behaviour.
Oh, how very nice of you to think of me.
I don't often get considerate passengers like you on my bus.
(ALL MURMURING) -Charming woman, Wilson.
-Yes, awfully nice.
Very good.
Awfully nice.
Yes.
It must be very difficult dealing with men passengers who get over-familiar.
I don't know, sir, I think she can look after herself all right.
You know, she'd probably give them a punch on the nose, I should think.
Don't be absurd.
One can see at a glance she's a perfect lady.
It's very hard on her working as a clippie.
Oh, I don't know, sir.
She's just doing her bit.
I realise that, Wilson.
I can't help wondering if it's right for a lady like this to be exposed to the riff-raff that travels on late-night buses.
(MURMURING AND JEERING) Ha ha! Hello, Napoleon.
Been taking your boy scouts on an outing, have you? We've been to the pictures, Mr Hodges.
Oh, that's marvellous, isn't it? Jerry liable to invade any minute and you lot going to the pictures.
What did you do, leave a note on the beach saying, ''Dear Hitler, please do not invade tonight.
We've all gone to the cinema.
'' Fares, please.
A tuppenny one please, dear, and a big smile and a tickle at the terminus.
A tickle at the.
Excuse me, Hodges.
How dare you speak to a lady like that? -What's a matter with you? -Show some respect.
It's quite all right, sir.
Would you please sit down? -Take no notice of him, dear.
-Your ticket.
Thank you very much, all the same.
I really do appreciate it.
Now, we are being gallant tonight, sir.
CONDUCTOR: Walmington-On-Sea, next stop.
-Now, listen, Wilson.
-Right, sir, yeah.
I don't want a repetition of what's just happened at the cinema.
Of course.
-When this bus stops, I shall get off first.
-Right.
-Tell the men.
-Right.
Just pay attention to me, will you, please? When the bus stops, stay where you are and let Captain Mainwaring get off first.
All right? CONDUCTOR: Walmington-On-Sea, Red Lion.
HODGES: It's closing time in five minutes! (ALL YELLING) England, our Island home.
And in conclusion, may I say that not only was I shocked by that disgraceful exhibition in the cinema, but I was deeply hurt to think that my platoon could behave in so disrespectful a manner.
May I speak a word, Captain Mainwaring? -Yes, Frazer.
-Well, sir, speaking purely for myself, I didn't intend any disrespect, sir.
Not at all.
Sir, not at all.
It was just that, being a student of history and a man of superior intellect, I was fair scunnered by the historical inaccuracies in the film.
I stuck it as long as I could, sir.
But in the end I felt I had to I had to speak to the manager about it from an intellectual point of view.
-You understand? -Yes.
-And what happened? -I got my one and six back.
-Permission to speak, sir.
-Yes, Corporal? I'd like to say, on behalf of the rest of the platoon that we're all very, very sorry, sir.
(ALL AGREEING) That's all very well, Corporal, but fine words butter no parsnips.
Get the gramophone, Wilson.
What's he talking about? Butter, you can't get it.
And parsnips is out of season, isn't it? I can get you butter anytime.
I can get you butter.
MAINWARING: Jones, stop talking.
Now, I don't intend to overlook this, so I'm going to make the punishment fit the crime, to quote the words of Gilbert and Sullivan.
What's Gilbert and Sullivan got to do with it? Let the punishment fit the crime The punishment fit the crime Corporal! I repeat, quiet in the ranks! -He was telling me about Gilbert and Sullivan.
-That will do, Corporal.
Now, you'll come to attention while Sergeant Wilson plays the national anthem.
And you will stand and reflect as the notes of this glorious tune float through the hall.
Platoon attention! -Wilson.
-Aye, sir.
(GERMAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING) Okay, turn off the box.
I said, turn that filth off! -Well, what's wrong? -That was the German national anthem! I'm terrible sorry, sir.
I wasn't listening very carefully.
Well, do listen.
Pay more attention.
Just a minute, sir.
I've got an idea.
Why don't we all hum it? God save our gracious Queen Yes, all right.
We know the tune.
-This is all your fault.
-I couldn't help it, sir.
It said on the label, ''NatIonal Anthems of All NatIons''.
Well, play the British national anthem.
The point is, whereabouts is the British national anthem on the record? Where do you expect it to be? It'll be first, won't it? -Right, sir, first.
All right.
-Right.
-Corporal? -Sir.
Take charge.
And don't dismiss the men until you have played the national anthem six times.
-Cor blimey! -Wilson.
The office.
Oh, and.
-Jones.
-Sir.
See that the men stand rigidly to attention throughout.
Attention rigidly.
-Right.
-I beg your pardon, sir.
-Good evening.
-What are you doing in my desk, Vicar? May I remind you, Captain Mainwaring, that this is my office and my desk.
And it is only through my good intentions in this hour of our country's need that I allow you to share it.
-But I have a lot of work to do.
-The Vicar's got a lot of work to do, as well.
-You keep out of this, Wilson.
-All right.
Okay, Vicar, you know perfectly well that you can work here all day while I'm busy at the bank.
I'm sorry, Captain, but nothing is going to make me get up out of this chair.
And that is that.
(NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING) -Hey, hey, Jonesy? -Yeah? We dinnae want to stand here all day.
For goodness' sake, next time, man, speed it up a bit.
Yeah, right-o.
(NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING) Oh, dear.
(MUSIC SPEEDING UP) (KNOCKING AT DOOR) WILSON: Come in.
Oh, it's you, Walker.
What do you want? I just wanted to have a word with Captain Mainwaring.
All right.
Psst.
Oi.
-I've got your cheese.
-You've got what? -I've got your cheese.
-Oh, yes.
-A pound of cheddar.
-Yes.
-It isn't for me, of course.
-No, of course not.
You know I don't approve of that sort of thing.
-Well, in that case, I'll take it back.
-No, no, no! It's for my wife.
Very partial to cheddar cheese.
Walmington-On-Sea, 9-2, please.
I say, it looks absolutely delicious, sir.
Take your dirty fingers off it.
My wife's got to eat it.
Do be a bit more hygienic, Mr Wilson.
After all, my cheeses are untouched by human hands.
They're packed by monkeys.
Can't wait to see my wife's face when I show her all that cheese.
She's a vegetarian, you know.
I planned it as a little surprise.
I thought we'd have a nice, little toasted cheese supper together.
That will be cosy, won't it? That will be all, thank you, Walker.
Yeah, right.
I'll put it on your account.
Oh, by the way, there's your two bottles of milk stout.
-Thank you.
-All right, good night, all.
Thank you very much, Walker.
Good night.
Can't you, er.
Can't you get any answer from her, sir? No, it's very strange.
I wonder what's happened.
-I say, that cheese looks delicious, doesn't it? -Yes, it does.
Melts in the mouth.
Does it really? Elizabeth will be delighted when I take that home.
I wonder where on earth the woman's.
Hello? Elizabeth? Taking a long time to answer, dear.
Where have you been? Oh, I see.
-She's been down in the air-raid shelter.
-Oh.
I thought perhaps we could sleep in the house tonight, dear.
After all, we haven't had a raid for over a week now.
Oh, very well.
Yes.
All right.
I, er.
I might have a little surprise for you tonight.
No.
I bought.
Anything the matter, sir? No, no, no, no.
She -had her supper and she's going to bed.
-Oh, I see.
Didn't you tell her about the cheese? She wouldn't listen.
Funny thing, isn't it, Wilson? Whenever you plan a surprise for a woman, it always goes wrong.
I was so looking forward to that toasted cheese supper.
I don't know, I'll never understand women if I live to be 1 00.
Why don't we have the toasted cheese supper here? -What do you mean, just us two together? -Yes, just you and me.
I mean, we got some bread, and these two bottles of milk stout.
-That's very thoughtful of you, Wilson.
-Thank you, sir.
You know, somebody wrote once, didn't they, I forget who it was, ''Love for a woman waxes and wanes like the moon and the stars, ''but the friendship of a man lasts for eternity.
'' I value your comradeship, Wilson.
Thank you, sir, that's very kind of you.
By the way, you won't forget to pay me for your half of this cheese.
Oh, no, no, no.
-Right.
You make the toast and I'll cut the cheese.
-All right, sir.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) For heaven's sake.
Come in.
Oh, it's you, Jonesy.
Well, gents.
I'm off, night-night.
I say.
That's a nice-looking piece of cheese.
You're gonna have a little snack, are you? Yes, and there's only enough for two.
Oh, what a pity.
I'll have to eat these kidneys on me own, won't I? What kidneys? These kidneys.
I'm taking them home for my supper.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't do that, Corporal.
I'm sure there's enough to go around.
Yes, right-o, then.
Well, we can.
I'll go fry them up in the mess tin, can't we? We can have toasted cheese and kidneys, washed down by some nice milk stout.
That's what I call a real meal.
Very tasty.
ALL: Very sweet.
Why don't we do thIs more often? #Just what we're doIng tonIght # Well, that was absolutely delicious.
You know, sir, reminds me of the time when I was at school, and we used to have midnight feasts in the dorm.
Really? The school I went to, we didn't have any midnight feasts.
We had to manage with a few aniseed balls in a corner of the playground.
The school I went to, we didn't even have a playground.
That was lovely, that bit of cheese was.
That was really lovely.
I suppose the fact that it's hard to get makes it taste more delicious.
You know, there's no doubt about it, Wilsie.
-Forbidden fruits taste sweeter.
-Yeah.
I'll never forget when I was in the Sudan.
There was this native girl.
She was beautiful.
Beautiful.
Well, I think she was beautiful.
It was a bit difficult to tell on account of the fact she was covered from head to foot, except for her eyes sticking out.
When I say her eyes were sticking out, I don't mean they were sticking out on stalks.
I mean they just looked as if they were sticking out on account of she was covered from head to foot.
You get what I mean, sir? Yes, I think so.
Anyway, it was love at first sight.
And I went around to see my colonel to tell him.
And he said, ''Sit down, Jones.
I'm going to talk to you like a Dutch uncle.
'' He wasn't really my uncle.
That's just a saying, you know? Matter of fact, he wasn't Dutch, either.
And he said, ''Look here, Jones, ''you only desire this woman ''because she's covered up and is hiding her mystery.
'' He said, ''You take my advice, you won't have no more truck with her.
'' So, I took his advice and I went around to her house in order to tell her I'd like to discontinue having truck with her.
I was going to knock on the door, then I looked through the lattice-work and there she was, having a nice wash down.
And do you know? The Colonel was absolutely right.
When she wasn't covered up, it wasn't her eyes that were sticking out.
Yeah, I think I'll go home now.
I've heard enough, thank you.
It's absolutely true, you know? Women are very difficult to understand.
Yeah, you're right there, Wilsie.
But Mr Mainwaring, here, he's got a nice way with the ladies.
Haven't you, sir? Not really, no.
I think you have, sir.
What about on the bus the other night when the warden was getting a bit obstreperous with that nice clippie girl? I thought you was very chivalrous to her, sir.
Well, there's no doubt at all, she was a very charming woman.
Very charming.
I somehow don't see her turning down a toasted cheese supper.
Oh, well.
-Good night.
-Good night, sir.
-WILSON: Good night, sir.
-Night-night.
He's almost human sometimes, isn't he? You ought to be In pIctures You're wonderful to see (SIGHING) You awake, Elizabeth? Oh, I shouldn't have eaten all that cheese.
Far too rich.
Two o'clock.
Where are the bismuth tablets? How's the battle going, Marshal Ney? I can't see a thing.
It's your own fault, sir.
I told you we should have sat down the front in the nine pennies.
How are they looking, Gordon? Good news, sir.
Blucher's arrived.
Well, I'm in no mood for playing the piano now.
Your Imperial Majesty.
Yes, Captain Gerard? Je avaIs un news terrIble.
What is it? You've lost the ruddy battle, mate.
Look, Wellington, there go my brave Highlanders.
Give them hell, lads! Yes, they're awfully good.
My feet are frozen.
These damn boots leak.
-Why don't you wear a pair of Wellingtons? -He doesn't take my size.
-Fire.
-Balls.
-What? -We've run out of cannonballs, Corporal.
Oh! We need to fix bayonets! Remember, les Anglais don't like it oopla.
They don't like it oopla.
-Cor blimey! That's handy.
Pick it up, lad.
-OuI.
If I split my trousers, my mum will be tres cross.
Ooh, it's ain't half hot, Corporal.
Sans faIre rIen.
Ram it up, lad.
Fire.
Excuse me.
Have you got a match? Those French cannonballs are starting fires everywhere.
Put those lights out.
Put those ruddy lights out! Do you think you could keep your voice down? It's getting on my nerves.
Oh, look.
Looks like one of ours.
No, no! Dinnae waste it, lads.
Fire it back.
Your Imperial Majesty.
Yes, Captain Gerald? Je avaIs more news terrIble.
Like what? Wellington is waiting for you to sign the surrender.
Very well.
But first, I must say farewell to my troops.
Come.
COMMANDER: Face forward.
Left.
Right.
Platoon, stop.
You stupid drummer boy.
Platoon ready for saying farewell to, sir.
All right, bring that little upstart over here.
The Duke is waiting for you to sign the surrender, your Imperial Majesty.
Very well.
-How do you do? -How awfully nice to see you.
Sit down.
Your name? Bonaparte.
-Initial? -N.
-Address? -Versailles, the palace.
What street is that in? -It isn't difficult to find.
-I see.
Right, will you.
Will you please sign that? Pen.
I'm sorry, but I never ever lend my pen to anybody.
Have this one, sir.
Ten francs.
Why is it so expensive? Well, it's a very special pen.
La plume de ma tante.
I can't sign this.
Look, just sign here, Napoleon.
You have no alternative, man.
You're beaten.
What are you going to do with me? We're sending you to the Isle of Elba.
-Permission to speak, sir? -Hm? The men are waiting to say farewell to you, sir.
Very well.
What are they going to do to you, sir? They're sending me to Elba.
Hence the expression, ''Giving you the Elba''.
By the by, I'm awfully sorry you lost.
Goodbye, Corporal.
Permission to kiss you, sir? Goodbye, sir.
I'll have my sister Dolly send you some upside-down cakes.
My mum won't half be pleased when I tell her I've been kissed by an emperor.
Soldiers of France, our cause is lost.
Your emperor must say goodbye.
With this last kiss, I embrace you all.
Look at the time.
They're open! You know, those Frenchies fought awfully well.
-Ask them to have a drink with me.
-Righto, Duke.
Oi, Napoleon! The Duke wants you all to have a drink with him.
(ALL CHEERING) Only two more hours together, my dear, before the ship sails.
I can't bear to see you leave, Napoleon.
Nor I to leave you.
You must be brave.
Fortunes of war, you know? But we still have two hours together.
Why don't we have a farewell toasted cheese supper? Toasted cheese supper.
Just you and I.
Please, give me something to remember you by.
A likeness, perhaps.
Take this.
Think of me, sometimes.
I shall keep it always.
(TICKET MACHINE RINGING) You've punched me on the nose.
CONDUCTOR: Toasted cheese supper.
Just you and I, and a toasted cheese supper.
(COUGHING) What time is it? Half past eight? Good heavens! I'll be late for the bank.
You awake, Elizabeth? Elizabeth.
''Why were you late last night? I'm not speaking to you today.
''
.
2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? My darlIng, we have only a few short hours before the shIp takes me to Elba.
MARIE: But why don't you try to escape to AmerIca? I cannot escape my destIny.
I must follow my star.
Oh, Napoleon, the BrItIsh hate you.
They wIll kIll you.
Rubbish.
NAPOLEON: You cannot kIll a man who Is already dead.
WIthout you, my darlIng, MarIe, I am an empty shell.
MARIE: Then I wIll go wIth you.
NAPOLEON: No, my darlIng.
We wIll say goodbye now.
FRAZER: Rubbish.
Oh, Napoleon.
NAPOLEON: The BrItIsh broke my army, but you have broken my heart.
I wIll never know a love lIke yours, Napoleon.
I leave you standIng here, MarIe.
And In your care, I leave the most precIous thIng In my lIfe.
La belle France.
(NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING) CONDUCTOR: Your fares ready, please.
I've never seen anything so disgraceful in my life.
Everybody charging out like that during the national anthem.
I thought at least you would have stayed, Wilson.
As a sergeant, it was your job to set an example to the men.
I couldn't help it, sir.
I just got carried off in the rush.
Really? I'm surprised at you, Godfrey.
I thought you'd have shown more respect.
I assure you, sir, it wasn't lack of respect.
It was only that I had to leave rather quickly for a rather urgent reason.
You enjoy the picture, Mr Mainwaring? No, not really.
I would have thought that a picture about Napoleon would have concerned itself with strategy and tactics.
I thought we might have learned something.
Instead of which he seemed to spend most of his time chasing Greta Garbo around a four-poster bed.
Well, that is strategy and tactics, isn't it? Well, I certainly learned something from it.
A bit late to do anything about it now, I reckon.
What do you think, Jock? Ah, rubbish.
Sheer rubbish! A wicked waste of one and six.
Hey, Joe, what about when he took her in his arms in the snow? Yeah, smashing.
(MIMICKING NAPOLEON) ''My darling, you have beautiful hair, ''beautiful eyes, beautiful lips, beautiful moustache.
'' Hey, I like the bit where Napoleon was saying farewell to his troops.
Hey, I know, why don't we all do an impression of Charles Boyer? Whoever does it worst has to pay all the fares.
Yeah, good idea, Pikey.
You start.
-Me? -Yeah.
Right.
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) ''Soldiers of France, our cause is lost.
''Your emperor will now say goodbye.
''With this kiss, I embrace you all.
'' That was rotten.
Hey, how about this? Here we go.
''Soldiers of France, our cause is lost.
''I'm all going to give you a nice big kiss.
'' Did you enjoy the picture, Sponge? -Not really, Sarge.
I couldn't see very well.
-Oh, Lord.
You know, we should have sat in the nine-pennies, Mr Mainwaring.
Oh, no.
I wouldn't sit in those cheap seats down in the front.
You never know who's been sitting in them.
Right, now let's have a bit of a singsong.
# Oh the first is number one And the fun has just begun Roll me over, lay me down and do it again Be quiet! Roll me over, roll me over Be quiet! (WILSON) # Roll me over Lay me down and do it again # Wilson, sit! I get so excited with that song, sir.
I'm so sorry.
I beg your pardon.
It does excite me though.
What's happened to everybody? The discipline's gone to pot.
Fares, please.
Any more fares? Yes, two to Walmington-On-Sea, please.
I must apologise for my men singing that ribald song.
That's quite all right.
I get far worse than that.
Really? Most distressing for you.
I get used to it.
After all, there is a war on.
That's no excuse for slack behaviour.
Oh, how very nice of you to think of me.
I don't often get considerate passengers like you on my bus.
(ALL MURMURING) -Charming woman, Wilson.
-Yes, awfully nice.
Very good.
Awfully nice.
Yes.
It must be very difficult dealing with men passengers who get over-familiar.
I don't know, sir, I think she can look after herself all right.
You know, she'd probably give them a punch on the nose, I should think.
Don't be absurd.
One can see at a glance she's a perfect lady.
It's very hard on her working as a clippie.
Oh, I don't know, sir.
She's just doing her bit.
I realise that, Wilson.
I can't help wondering if it's right for a lady like this to be exposed to the riff-raff that travels on late-night buses.
(MURMURING AND JEERING) Ha ha! Hello, Napoleon.
Been taking your boy scouts on an outing, have you? We've been to the pictures, Mr Hodges.
Oh, that's marvellous, isn't it? Jerry liable to invade any minute and you lot going to the pictures.
What did you do, leave a note on the beach saying, ''Dear Hitler, please do not invade tonight.
We've all gone to the cinema.
'' Fares, please.
A tuppenny one please, dear, and a big smile and a tickle at the terminus.
A tickle at the.
Excuse me, Hodges.
How dare you speak to a lady like that? -What's a matter with you? -Show some respect.
It's quite all right, sir.
Would you please sit down? -Take no notice of him, dear.
-Your ticket.
Thank you very much, all the same.
I really do appreciate it.
Now, we are being gallant tonight, sir.
CONDUCTOR: Walmington-On-Sea, next stop.
-Now, listen, Wilson.
-Right, sir, yeah.
I don't want a repetition of what's just happened at the cinema.
Of course.
-When this bus stops, I shall get off first.
-Right.
-Tell the men.
-Right.
Just pay attention to me, will you, please? When the bus stops, stay where you are and let Captain Mainwaring get off first.
All right? CONDUCTOR: Walmington-On-Sea, Red Lion.
HODGES: It's closing time in five minutes! (ALL YELLING) England, our Island home.
And in conclusion, may I say that not only was I shocked by that disgraceful exhibition in the cinema, but I was deeply hurt to think that my platoon could behave in so disrespectful a manner.
May I speak a word, Captain Mainwaring? -Yes, Frazer.
-Well, sir, speaking purely for myself, I didn't intend any disrespect, sir.
Not at all.
Sir, not at all.
It was just that, being a student of history and a man of superior intellect, I was fair scunnered by the historical inaccuracies in the film.
I stuck it as long as I could, sir.
But in the end I felt I had to I had to speak to the manager about it from an intellectual point of view.
-You understand? -Yes.
-And what happened? -I got my one and six back.
-Permission to speak, sir.
-Yes, Corporal? I'd like to say, on behalf of the rest of the platoon that we're all very, very sorry, sir.
(ALL AGREEING) That's all very well, Corporal, but fine words butter no parsnips.
Get the gramophone, Wilson.
What's he talking about? Butter, you can't get it.
And parsnips is out of season, isn't it? I can get you butter anytime.
I can get you butter.
MAINWARING: Jones, stop talking.
Now, I don't intend to overlook this, so I'm going to make the punishment fit the crime, to quote the words of Gilbert and Sullivan.
What's Gilbert and Sullivan got to do with it? Let the punishment fit the crime The punishment fit the crime Corporal! I repeat, quiet in the ranks! -He was telling me about Gilbert and Sullivan.
-That will do, Corporal.
Now, you'll come to attention while Sergeant Wilson plays the national anthem.
And you will stand and reflect as the notes of this glorious tune float through the hall.
Platoon attention! -Wilson.
-Aye, sir.
(GERMAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING) Okay, turn off the box.
I said, turn that filth off! -Well, what's wrong? -That was the German national anthem! I'm terrible sorry, sir.
I wasn't listening very carefully.
Well, do listen.
Pay more attention.
Just a minute, sir.
I've got an idea.
Why don't we all hum it? God save our gracious Queen Yes, all right.
We know the tune.
-This is all your fault.
-I couldn't help it, sir.
It said on the label, ''NatIonal Anthems of All NatIons''.
Well, play the British national anthem.
The point is, whereabouts is the British national anthem on the record? Where do you expect it to be? It'll be first, won't it? -Right, sir, first.
All right.
-Right.
-Corporal? -Sir.
Take charge.
And don't dismiss the men until you have played the national anthem six times.
-Cor blimey! -Wilson.
The office.
Oh, and.
-Jones.
-Sir.
See that the men stand rigidly to attention throughout.
Attention rigidly.
-Right.
-I beg your pardon, sir.
-Good evening.
-What are you doing in my desk, Vicar? May I remind you, Captain Mainwaring, that this is my office and my desk.
And it is only through my good intentions in this hour of our country's need that I allow you to share it.
-But I have a lot of work to do.
-The Vicar's got a lot of work to do, as well.
-You keep out of this, Wilson.
-All right.
Okay, Vicar, you know perfectly well that you can work here all day while I'm busy at the bank.
I'm sorry, Captain, but nothing is going to make me get up out of this chair.
And that is that.
(NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING) -Hey, hey, Jonesy? -Yeah? We dinnae want to stand here all day.
For goodness' sake, next time, man, speed it up a bit.
Yeah, right-o.
(NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING) Oh, dear.
(MUSIC SPEEDING UP) (KNOCKING AT DOOR) WILSON: Come in.
Oh, it's you, Walker.
What do you want? I just wanted to have a word with Captain Mainwaring.
All right.
Psst.
Oi.
-I've got your cheese.
-You've got what? -I've got your cheese.
-Oh, yes.
-A pound of cheddar.
-Yes.
-It isn't for me, of course.
-No, of course not.
You know I don't approve of that sort of thing.
-Well, in that case, I'll take it back.
-No, no, no! It's for my wife.
Very partial to cheddar cheese.
Walmington-On-Sea, 9-2, please.
I say, it looks absolutely delicious, sir.
Take your dirty fingers off it.
My wife's got to eat it.
Do be a bit more hygienic, Mr Wilson.
After all, my cheeses are untouched by human hands.
They're packed by monkeys.
Can't wait to see my wife's face when I show her all that cheese.
She's a vegetarian, you know.
I planned it as a little surprise.
I thought we'd have a nice, little toasted cheese supper together.
That will be cosy, won't it? That will be all, thank you, Walker.
Yeah, right.
I'll put it on your account.
Oh, by the way, there's your two bottles of milk stout.
-Thank you.
-All right, good night, all.
Thank you very much, Walker.
Good night.
Can't you, er.
Can't you get any answer from her, sir? No, it's very strange.
I wonder what's happened.
-I say, that cheese looks delicious, doesn't it? -Yes, it does.
Melts in the mouth.
Does it really? Elizabeth will be delighted when I take that home.
I wonder where on earth the woman's.
Hello? Elizabeth? Taking a long time to answer, dear.
Where have you been? Oh, I see.
-She's been down in the air-raid shelter.
-Oh.
I thought perhaps we could sleep in the house tonight, dear.
After all, we haven't had a raid for over a week now.
Oh, very well.
Yes.
All right.
I, er.
I might have a little surprise for you tonight.
No.
I bought.
Anything the matter, sir? No, no, no, no.
She -had her supper and she's going to bed.
-Oh, I see.
Didn't you tell her about the cheese? She wouldn't listen.
Funny thing, isn't it, Wilson? Whenever you plan a surprise for a woman, it always goes wrong.
I was so looking forward to that toasted cheese supper.
I don't know, I'll never understand women if I live to be 1 00.
Why don't we have the toasted cheese supper here? -What do you mean, just us two together? -Yes, just you and me.
I mean, we got some bread, and these two bottles of milk stout.
-That's very thoughtful of you, Wilson.
-Thank you, sir.
You know, somebody wrote once, didn't they, I forget who it was, ''Love for a woman waxes and wanes like the moon and the stars, ''but the friendship of a man lasts for eternity.
'' I value your comradeship, Wilson.
Thank you, sir, that's very kind of you.
By the way, you won't forget to pay me for your half of this cheese.
Oh, no, no, no.
-Right.
You make the toast and I'll cut the cheese.
-All right, sir.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) For heaven's sake.
Come in.
Oh, it's you, Jonesy.
Well, gents.
I'm off, night-night.
I say.
That's a nice-looking piece of cheese.
You're gonna have a little snack, are you? Yes, and there's only enough for two.
Oh, what a pity.
I'll have to eat these kidneys on me own, won't I? What kidneys? These kidneys.
I'm taking them home for my supper.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't do that, Corporal.
I'm sure there's enough to go around.
Yes, right-o, then.
Well, we can.
I'll go fry them up in the mess tin, can't we? We can have toasted cheese and kidneys, washed down by some nice milk stout.
That's what I call a real meal.
Very tasty.
ALL: Very sweet.
Why don't we do thIs more often? #Just what we're doIng tonIght # Well, that was absolutely delicious.
You know, sir, reminds me of the time when I was at school, and we used to have midnight feasts in the dorm.
Really? The school I went to, we didn't have any midnight feasts.
We had to manage with a few aniseed balls in a corner of the playground.
The school I went to, we didn't even have a playground.
That was lovely, that bit of cheese was.
That was really lovely.
I suppose the fact that it's hard to get makes it taste more delicious.
You know, there's no doubt about it, Wilsie.
-Forbidden fruits taste sweeter.
-Yeah.
I'll never forget when I was in the Sudan.
There was this native girl.
She was beautiful.
Beautiful.
Well, I think she was beautiful.
It was a bit difficult to tell on account of the fact she was covered from head to foot, except for her eyes sticking out.
When I say her eyes were sticking out, I don't mean they were sticking out on stalks.
I mean they just looked as if they were sticking out on account of she was covered from head to foot.
You get what I mean, sir? Yes, I think so.
Anyway, it was love at first sight.
And I went around to see my colonel to tell him.
And he said, ''Sit down, Jones.
I'm going to talk to you like a Dutch uncle.
'' He wasn't really my uncle.
That's just a saying, you know? Matter of fact, he wasn't Dutch, either.
And he said, ''Look here, Jones, ''you only desire this woman ''because she's covered up and is hiding her mystery.
'' He said, ''You take my advice, you won't have no more truck with her.
'' So, I took his advice and I went around to her house in order to tell her I'd like to discontinue having truck with her.
I was going to knock on the door, then I looked through the lattice-work and there she was, having a nice wash down.
And do you know? The Colonel was absolutely right.
When she wasn't covered up, it wasn't her eyes that were sticking out.
Yeah, I think I'll go home now.
I've heard enough, thank you.
It's absolutely true, you know? Women are very difficult to understand.
Yeah, you're right there, Wilsie.
But Mr Mainwaring, here, he's got a nice way with the ladies.
Haven't you, sir? Not really, no.
I think you have, sir.
What about on the bus the other night when the warden was getting a bit obstreperous with that nice clippie girl? I thought you was very chivalrous to her, sir.
Well, there's no doubt at all, she was a very charming woman.
Very charming.
I somehow don't see her turning down a toasted cheese supper.
Oh, well.
-Good night.
-Good night, sir.
-WILSON: Good night, sir.
-Night-night.
He's almost human sometimes, isn't he? You ought to be In pIctures You're wonderful to see (SIGHING) You awake, Elizabeth? Oh, I shouldn't have eaten all that cheese.
Far too rich.
Two o'clock.
Where are the bismuth tablets? How's the battle going, Marshal Ney? I can't see a thing.
It's your own fault, sir.
I told you we should have sat down the front in the nine pennies.
How are they looking, Gordon? Good news, sir.
Blucher's arrived.
Well, I'm in no mood for playing the piano now.
Your Imperial Majesty.
Yes, Captain Gerard? Je avaIs un news terrIble.
What is it? You've lost the ruddy battle, mate.
Look, Wellington, there go my brave Highlanders.
Give them hell, lads! Yes, they're awfully good.
My feet are frozen.
These damn boots leak.
-Why don't you wear a pair of Wellingtons? -He doesn't take my size.
-Fire.
-Balls.
-What? -We've run out of cannonballs, Corporal.
Oh! We need to fix bayonets! Remember, les Anglais don't like it oopla.
They don't like it oopla.
-Cor blimey! That's handy.
Pick it up, lad.
-OuI.
If I split my trousers, my mum will be tres cross.
Ooh, it's ain't half hot, Corporal.
Sans faIre rIen.
Ram it up, lad.
Fire.
Excuse me.
Have you got a match? Those French cannonballs are starting fires everywhere.
Put those lights out.
Put those ruddy lights out! Do you think you could keep your voice down? It's getting on my nerves.
Oh, look.
Looks like one of ours.
No, no! Dinnae waste it, lads.
Fire it back.
Your Imperial Majesty.
Yes, Captain Gerald? Je avaIs more news terrIble.
Like what? Wellington is waiting for you to sign the surrender.
Very well.
But first, I must say farewell to my troops.
Come.
COMMANDER: Face forward.
Left.
Right.
Platoon, stop.
You stupid drummer boy.
Platoon ready for saying farewell to, sir.
All right, bring that little upstart over here.
The Duke is waiting for you to sign the surrender, your Imperial Majesty.
Very well.
-How do you do? -How awfully nice to see you.
Sit down.
Your name? Bonaparte.
-Initial? -N.
-Address? -Versailles, the palace.
What street is that in? -It isn't difficult to find.
-I see.
Right, will you.
Will you please sign that? Pen.
I'm sorry, but I never ever lend my pen to anybody.
Have this one, sir.
Ten francs.
Why is it so expensive? Well, it's a very special pen.
La plume de ma tante.
I can't sign this.
Look, just sign here, Napoleon.
You have no alternative, man.
You're beaten.
What are you going to do with me? We're sending you to the Isle of Elba.
-Permission to speak, sir? -Hm? The men are waiting to say farewell to you, sir.
Very well.
What are they going to do to you, sir? They're sending me to Elba.
Hence the expression, ''Giving you the Elba''.
By the by, I'm awfully sorry you lost.
Goodbye, Corporal.
Permission to kiss you, sir? Goodbye, sir.
I'll have my sister Dolly send you some upside-down cakes.
My mum won't half be pleased when I tell her I've been kissed by an emperor.
Soldiers of France, our cause is lost.
Your emperor must say goodbye.
With this last kiss, I embrace you all.
Look at the time.
They're open! You know, those Frenchies fought awfully well.
-Ask them to have a drink with me.
-Righto, Duke.
Oi, Napoleon! The Duke wants you all to have a drink with him.
(ALL CHEERING) Only two more hours together, my dear, before the ship sails.
I can't bear to see you leave, Napoleon.
Nor I to leave you.
You must be brave.
Fortunes of war, you know? But we still have two hours together.
Why don't we have a farewell toasted cheese supper? Toasted cheese supper.
Just you and I.
Please, give me something to remember you by.
A likeness, perhaps.
Take this.
Think of me, sometimes.
I shall keep it always.
(TICKET MACHINE RINGING) You've punched me on the nose.
CONDUCTOR: Toasted cheese supper.
Just you and I, and a toasted cheese supper.
(COUGHING) What time is it? Half past eight? Good heavens! I'll be late for the bank.
You awake, Elizabeth? Elizabeth.
''Why were you late last night? I'm not speaking to you today.
''