F is For Family (2015) s05e03 Episode Script

That was "Cosa Mi Narri"
from The Marriage of Figaro!
You're listening to Wolfgang Jack
in the morning.
Here's the latest from Rossini
that is gonna get those asses dancing!
"The Thieving Magpie"!
Fuckin' Saturday.
Fucking crack of dawn.
Fucking birds aren't even awake.
Goddamn Ed, treats me like a slave.
Unpaid fucking training. Fuck him.
Smiling piece of shit.
See how happy he is
with my foot up his fucking ass. Fucking
- Morning, Frank.
- Jesus!
Frank, the coffee was ready at 5:30,
but you weren't.
Want me to make him stand out in the rain?
Oh, no, I don't want to give Frank
the achoo-ies.
But I will have to give you the finger.
Aw, Christ. Why am I here?
To learn the Ala-Hican way of pristine
No. Why am I here on Earth?
Because you broke the law.
Now, we all enjoy beating up kids
from Stoughton.
They got a titty bar downtown, full nude.
Fucking animals.
But when you damage a historical plaque
that was engraved by prisoners,
that's when you cross the line.
We were just sticking up for ourselves.
If you don't fall in line,
you'll get stuck up real good in juvie.
I think he's implying buggery.
You're goddamn right I am!
Over the next eight Saturdays,
you punks will learn respect for the law
and law enforcement.
And that begins
with the right way to polish
a .38 Special.
Good. You passed the first test.
You didn't try to shoot us.
The last group of delinquents we had
didn't do so well.
Thank Christ he was a bad shot.
Why didn't you unload it first?
We do now, smart guy!
You will turn things around. Today
I start a new path.
I'm a daddy now.
And not just women calling me "daddy."
I got a real kid.
I choose to ride the road to sobriety.
Thank you, precious cocaine,
for giving me the courage
to not eat for six straight days.
Now it's time to go up the toilet's nose.
Thank you, Mr. Toad.
You're about to go on a wild ride
down shit river,
but you'll come out clean the other side,
just like old Vic.
Aren't you done yet?
I need to take a shower. I have a date.
Karen, honey. Why don't you stay home
with us tonight for a change?
I gave up blow.
Can't you give up blowing random guys?
He's not random.
I met him in line at the grocery store.
And you agreed
that we wouldn't be exclusive.
But we are exclusive to him.
We're a family now.
You can be a great mom.
All I ask is that you try.
Not forever, just the next 18 years.
Please just
Try to do things the Ala-Hican way.
I know that you can.
You just have to lose all that rage
you're carrying around.
Oh, easy for you to say, sunshine.
Christ, my life is a shit parade,
and the floats are trying to fuck me.
Frank, I'm not that different from you.
I fought in Korea too.
Well, you fought.
I got captured and was tortured
in a windowless cell for three years.
Now, I could've become a Grumpy Gus
and said,
"Hey, bub, bamboo doesn't belong there."
But I got through it by remembering
what I learned at Harmo-Nation Camp
in Cranford, New Jersey.
Aw, Christ,
not those singing psychos again.
I learned
that when God gives you a bag of hair,
you make it into a pillow.
Give our way a chance, Frank.
What do you say?
I'll try. What do I have to lose?
Your job.
Right. Got to remember that.
Your attitude decides your altitude ♪
Let's climb into the sky ♪
Smile ♪
Say yes ♪
Think right ♪
Obey ♪
The Ala-Hican Cuff Links of Competence.
You earned them.
Now, tell me
Aren't you glad you did this?
I guess am.
Yeah, sure.
Authority makes my boy parts tingle.
["Come and Get Your Love"
by Redbone playing"
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Howdy!
Colonel Pogo at your service, y'all.
I order you to eat at Skinneees,
where we serve only the best part
of a juicy, plump chicken
the skin!
Then I fry it in barrel-aged Crisco
in front of other chickens
so you can taste the fear.
Shh, shh.
I'm reading about ritualistic sacrifice.
So come on down
for our grand opening tonight!
That's Skinneees!
Hey, you Jews! We're kosher, I think!
Mom! The new princess is annoying me!
Maureen, come on, it's not hard.
Just jangle some keys.
This is an important night for me.
I have to find Uncle Louis
so I can patch things up with him.
You only have to watch her
till Daddy gets home from work.
Why can't Kevin or Bill watch her?
Honey, they can barely watch themselves.
Kevin has a date,
and Bill is with the police
so he doesn't turn out like Kevin.
Rise and shine, booze-bags!
It takes a real piece of filth
to get judged by me.
Aim low, boys.
This all seems kind of cruel.
It's called deterrence, son.
The law is the backbone
of any civilized society.
If you hit them in the balls,
I'll give you a cigarette.
Excuse me, sir?
I'm supposed to hose your dick down.
Nothing personal.
Don't you know who I am?
I'm Jim Jeffords!
I won and sold four local Emmys!
Hello, Hobo Jojo.
Oh my God. How'd you find me?
You big headed
Drown the clown! Drown the clown!
I love your vest.
Thanks. I wear it every day.
I hope you kids enjoy your rock show.
Now, look, if somebody passes you
a pipe of marijuana,
make sure you wipe off the mouthpiece
so you don't get sick.
- We won't do anything, Dad.
- I'll be back to pick you up at 11.
Thanks, Dr. Goldman.
Please, "Erwin" is fine.
You you wanna come to the concert too?
Kevin!
Todd, my whole life
has been building up to this moment,
the birth of an empire.
Is that smell you or the chicken?
Our odor has melded.
Now let the future ooze in.
Come one, come all!
Welcome! Let me get you
a Skin Sampler Supreme.
- I just want to use your washroom.
- Lavatories are for paying customers only.
You'll have to order something
off our menu.
No, thanks.
I'll just shit in my car.
Tell your friends!
Our first customer!
Lot of gay bars in this town. Huh.
Excuse me.
Mister, the drag queen bar
is down by the airport.
Buried Treasure on Route 14.
"Mister"? I am a woman, okay?
Oh, in that case, you want
Miss Hathaway's on Service Road 12.
I'm looking for my brother!
- Sue? What are you doing here?
- Oh God, you're married?
I bet you're Republican too!
Thanks, Sue.
You picked up right where you left off,
ruining my life.
Life is a box of red rubber balls ♪
- And they're bouncing my way, yeah ♪
- Bah bah boo ♪
I got the world
By the balls today, yeah! ♪
Hey-a, Frank.
Looks like somebody got bludgeoned
with a happy club.
Ah, right in the face, Goom.
Life is pretty sweet right now.
Ah, that's great.
Look, uh, I don't want to be indelicate,
but your father's stuff
is still in my trailer, and, uh
Well, I like to be in there
with, uh, Goomer stuff.
I forgot about all that shit.
Ah, you know what?
Sell it, burn it, whatever.
I feel too good to care right now.
I'm so happy you're happy.
I wish I could keep this moment tied up
in the trunk of my car forever for you.
Why does everything always go Frank's way?
You're watching Channel Nine,
Rustland City.
Hey, it's me, Colt Luger.
This Thursday, watch
the ABS All-Star Thanksgiving Special.
Thanksgiving?
Oh no, I never got my kid
from summer camp!
Get out of my way!
Shut the fuck up.
- Maureen!
- I wasn't doing anything!
You don't tell a kid to shut the fuck up.
That's a parent's job.
Now, sweetie, I know you're still
adjusting to having a new sibling, okay?
- But in time, you'll
- Okay, bye, going to the graveyard!
Will you please turn out normal?
Ah-ooh!
You rolled your joints.
Now get ready to roll with laughter.
Please welcome our opening act
and our tour bus drivers,
Bongwater and Spliff!
It's great to be back
in the Cunt Cities, man.
That's Quint Cities, man!
I like cunt better, man!
That's called "wordplay."
I hate being a junior cop.
We can't even see the show.
We are the show.
Holy shit, it's that kid who narced on me
about a train crash I caused.
I guess you narced so hard,
they gave you a baby uniform!
Seriously though, go fuck yourself.
Uh, move it along, sir.
Oh, fuck you!
They made me paint fences
for community service.
I had to learn the value
of a hard day's work because of you,
you little red-haired piece of shit!
Officer Glanney, this guy just shoved
a bag of weed down his jeans.
- I don't have anything!
- I saw that hippie freak put it in there.
That's good police work, Officer Billy.
- I want to call my mom!
- Let's go, fuck-face.
Cavity search! Cavity search!
Only 50 more spoonfuls,
and we're all done.
We got to get some regular cutlery.
Vic, I'm leaving.
Thanks, but you don't have to go now.
The spoon store is probably closed.
I'm leaving you for good.
You wanted this, not me.
I didn't ask to be a mom.
I didn't even know I was pregnant
until I lost all that weight
in the hospital.
Sometimes things happen,
and you got to make the best of it.
The Big Bopper didn't want to die
in a plane crash with Buddy Holly.
But he did it,
and now he's super fucking famous.
I need to be with someone
who only cares about me.
Whoever this dude
you're leaving me for is,
he's not half the man I am!
Hello, Vic.
Aw, Skeeball, is this payback
for the time I had relations
with your full-sized sister?
Me stealing your lady is not about you.
Hey, Slick Vic!
How's life treating you, amigo?
Uh, to be honest, I'm kind of down.
My woman just left me
for my shortest friend,
and now I have to raise Vic Junior
by myself.
It's tough being a single dad.
I mean, chicks dig it, but I don't know
the first thing about how to
Yeah, life is pretty great, isn't it?
I don't hate work,
the cops are fixing Bill for me.
Christ, I haven't seen Kevin
in three days.
It's like that feeling you get when you
have a penguin on your shirt. I just
Sixteen?
Holy shit, that's box 16!
The answer to my life!
Frank Murphy's a winner!
I wonder if I'll ever get excited
over finding a box of trash again.
Okay, Dad,
what were you trying to tell me?
What the hell is this?
Well, Bobby, we're almost set
for the ABS Thanksgiving All-Star Special,
featuring the return
of Buster Thunder Junior.
All we're missing are the sweet potatoes.
Bruce again!
Bruce again!
I hate that guy.
He gives our community a bad name.
He's not gay. He's married in real life
to that lady jai alai champion.
Aren't you adorable.
What do you want, Sue?
Well, first of all, how about an apology
for not letting me know
you moved back to town?
I didn't think you'd care.
You're my brother, and I love you!
I call your house in Florida
to tell you you have a new niece,
and that's how I find out
you've been here a year
and opened a karate school
ten minutes from me?
That really hurt.
How would you want to find out?
Should I have, I don't know,
blurted it out at a wedding?
Believe me, I'll regret what I did to you
that day for the rest of my life.
Sue, I taught you the fake crying bit.
It doesn't work on me.
I feel like hell, all right?
I'm a terrible sister.
Ah, eating shit. Now that's catnip for me.
Tell me more
about what a bad sister you are.
I can't look at my wedding photos without
feeling ashamed of what I did to you.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, Sue.
I don't want to hold onto this
anymore either.
I miss you and the kids,
and it's been a while
since I've had the chance
to make Frank feel uncomfortable.
Would you like to come for Thanksgiving?
It's a chance for Megan
to meet her favorite uncle.
Okay, you win. Thanksgiving it is.
And guess what?
I have great news. I talked to Dad, and
He's gonna be there?
Yeah! I had to work on him, you know,
but he's really warming up to the idea
of being in the same room with you again.
Oh, lucky me.
Fuck that old man!
Oh, if you're into geezers, then you want
to go to The Wrinkled Twinkle
on Industrial Highway.
Yes, hi, it's Dr. Goldman.
I pulled over and called
as soon as I got your page.
Well, Goomer, it's natural
to envy your neighbor's life.
It's your behavior around that issue
that concerns me.
You didn't steal his clothes again,
did you?
Mr. Mayor,
I I believe you dropped this envelope,
which is filled with nothing.
Local 105 gets the asphalt pavers
on the tollway.
Thank you, stranger.
Y'all got any Italian food
that don't taste so fucking Italian?
Y'all's mind if we roll dice
whiles we have a tap-dancing contest?
Mr. Mayor, what a pleasure.
- Scooch over.
- Uh Oh!
I could get used to this.
Get out of my restaurant.
When you take your Mafia tollway
out of my neighborhood!
I'll shove that road up your Black ass!
Damn!
Is that any kind of language
to use in front of your wife?
Oh!
This is my goomar!
How dare you call my wife's sister
my wife?
I will destroy you
and that jungle you live in!
Damn!
Fuck you and your mother's mustache!
Oh!
Damn!
- Oh!
- Damn!
Hey, man, want to light me up?
Yeah, you're a hot chick, man!
Their comedy is so layered.
Thank you, Rustvale. You've been great!
Alice!
Hey, Rachel! Hannah!
Hey, you got your braces off.
Yeah, I'm going to town on corn now.
I got them off
right after Camp Beth Shalom.
Oh, yeah, Beth Shalom.
She was in my homeroom last year.
No, it's a Hebrew camp.
Oh, we learned about those.
Oh my God, it's so sad. I actually think
this old man on my street ran one of them.
Guys, this is my boyfriend, Kevin.
Oh, so you finally broke up with Joel.
- What's a Joel?
- He's nobody. Just some boy I dated.
Yeah, "dated."
I remember when you two "dated"
on my mom's couch
till your eyes rolled back in your head.
That's so cool
how I didn't even know that.
No, I've been
through the whole box twice.
- It doesn't make any sense.
- That was your father.
The only thing that made sense to me
is when he finally left.
Mom, maybe some of the old stuff
in this box rings a bell.
Francis, why are you bothering me
with all this now?
We talked three weeks ago.
You told me your father was dead.
I danced a jig and went to bed.
Mom, his dying words were "box 16," okay?
I I think maybe
there's something in here
that can that can help me
finally close the chapter
on the absolute fucking lunatic
that was my father.
Fine, but make it quick.
Okay. It's mostly just
old restaurant menus, soy sauce packets,
an ashtray
from the Hotel Coral Springs in Sarasota.
The ashtray from Sarasota?
Yeah! Does that mean something?
It means he's a thief!
That was the only thing the cheap bastard
bought me on our honeymoon.
I'm ashing into a coffee can
because of him.
Mom, Mom, Mom, focus please.
Who are you talking to?
Your brother!
Who died now?
Nobody! He has the ashtray!
Did you tell him
about the coffee can?
I did! He doesn't seem to care!
Of course he should care!
- Don't cry, buddy. Don't cry.
- You're his mother!
Tortured spirits, angry souls.
Dead shit-birds come out of your holes.
I don't think your heart is in this.
Do you even want to raise the dead
and laugh at how fucked-up they look?
I don't know.
This all feels kind of dumb right now.
Jeez, who shoved a beaver up your dick?
I'm sorry. It's just that
ever since the baby came along,
I'm not my dad's princess anymore.
Oh, that's easy to fix. We'll snatch her
and sell her at the gas station.
Babies fetch a higher price
closer to the holidays,
especially white ones.
It's not her fault. She's just a baby.
It's my dad. He doesn't care about me.
All he can think about is her.
Holy shit, it worked.
A dead guy's rising from his grave!
Quit trying to cheer me up.
No, for real! Look!
Don't be afraid, little girls!
I left my wristwatch in a corpse!
Give it up for four ladies
who don't put the "sac" in "Sacramento,"
which is where they're from. Fanny!
Hello, Rustvale!
We're so happy to be here!
Pick up your ax!
I'm already holding it!
Sorry! I have shit seats!
- Dance
- Ooh ♪
- Stand ♪
- Ooh ♪
- Move ♪
- Doo ♪
Ooh, "Charity Ball"! I love this song.
Yeah, this is the most non-sucky
chick rock I've ever heard.
Doo ♪
- Why are you being so clingy?
- I'm not being clingy.
I just want to hold on to you
and never let you go.
Look, I'm your backpack.
Ugh, oh my God.
Hey, Alice, we're gonna go
to the girls' room.
- Do you want to come with?
- Oh, yes.
I'll see you in a bit.
I'll be right here! I trust you!
Okay, Mom, I promise,
I'll send you the ashtray.
Can we get back to the box, please?
I don't know what this stuff is,
but Dad was trying to tell me something.
I'll tell you something.
Stop digging up the past.
You're happy. I'm happy.
You got Sue and the kids.
I've got your sister and Earl.
Forget about that monster.
He can't hurt you anymore.
Now let's talk about something else.
Anything at all.
Why didn't you ever stop him
from doing all that shit he did to me?
Uh, that's the cat. I I got to go.
You don't have a cat. Mom?
- Mom?
- She hung up, Frank.
Goomer? Is that you?
It's, uh, a party line.
We haven't had a party line in years.
Yeah, it's a surprise party line.
I think I'm having a heart attack!
Eh, it's probably just clams.
That's a relief. Thank you, Doctor.
Just doing my job.
We're leading ourselves ♪
Down a blind alley ♪
It doesn't feel like camp though
until Rabbi Feinstein
gets hit with an arrow.
Kevin!
- So how was it? Did you have a good time?
- God, what a creep.
He's so immature.
Immature? I'm starting to grow hair
around my nipples, are you?
Go on ahead. I'll catch up.
What the hell is wrong with you?
You've been acting so weird
ever since you heard about Joel.
Bet you never told Joel that.
Big deal, I had boyfriends before you.
You had more than one?
How could you do this to me?
I didn't know I was gonna go out with you!
We were
in seventh grade gym class together.
We saw the teacher sit on his balls.
Does that mean nothing to you?
Jesus, you're crazy!
Why were you waiting outside the bathroom?
'Cause I wanted to see you again
so we could keep having a good time, doy!
Yeah, well, how's that working out?
It was great until you left my sight
for five minutes!
Oh, so now you're gonna do it again?
You know I don't like that!
Louis! Where are you?
Go away, Sue!
Louis! Goddamn it! Talk to me!
Oh!
Gene? Sue Murphy, from Plast-a-Ware.
Oh! Hi, Sue.
- Well, I'm just doing some, uh
- Product research.
I'd like to research your product!
Uh, I mean, oh uh, you're in a coma!
Who's Gene?
I like girls!
Sue, this is not the kind of place
where you can just throw open car doors
and not expect to see a straight friend.
- Look, I just want us to talk about this.
- There's nothing left to say.
You're sorry about the wedding.
Fine, I accept your apology.
But I am not going to pass yams
to that man.
He's your father.
I don't give a shit!
Please! I want to patch up the problems
in our family before it's too late.
Too late? What do you mean?
- Well, Frank's dad died, and
- Oh my God.
Is Dad dying?
Dad, can you put the radio on?
I guess
I should've worn my peacoat
with all this this chill
that's in the air.
- Uh, perhaps if we engaged in a dialogue.
- Radio!
It was a sure thing.
How could it fail?
It's gonna be tough
pinning this one on a Puerto Rican.
Oh, that makes me feel good.
So many oils.
That takes the pain away.
I don't miss chewing.
He's been gone for hours.
I don't know where he goes.
I don't know what he does.
My marriage is falling apart, Mom.
What am I supposed to do?
Well, dear.
Have you tried dressing up
like Frank Murphy
and spoon-feeding him chili?
What the hell?
I, uh, saw this box in my dad's stuff,
and it had a "16" on it.
Box 16, Sue.
Hmm, looks like "91" to me.
Ah, fuck me.
Frank,
you are letting this consume you.
Your father is gone.
You have to let this go.
If I could ask him
what he was trying to tell me,
then I could let it go.
But there aren't any phones
in hell, Susan!
Evil eye, I was wrong about you.
You're gonna help me reach my grandpa,
and then I'll get my daddy back.
You're right.
I'm driving myself crazy over this,
and I know it's not good.
How was your night, sweetie?
Well, I went to a gay bar
to hunt my brother down,
and then I told him my dad was dying
so he'd come to Thanksgiving.
It's not a competition, Sue.
We're leading ourselves ♪
Down a blind alley ♪
No one to watch over us ♪
As we stumble and fall ♪
Baby ♪
But what can I see? ♪
Except all your history ♪
A reaper grim sent Saracens ♪
Who cannot see the writing on the wall ♪