Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s05e03 Episode Script

1 So, for Halloween I'm not doing a couples costume.
That's not what I was going to say, but since you brought it up, this year, Halloween does fall on a Saturday date night.
You wear a black dress, I go as ALF, and you're my puppeteer! You love black dresses and putting words into my mouth.
ALF was a puppet? [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
HONEY: Yoo-hoo! It's us.
Ooh, give me those fat baby thighs.
Why is there no baby? Where's the baby? Sleeping safely at home.
We're testing out the new baby monitor.
MARVIN: [CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
This is the farthest - we've ever gone without her.
- [BABY MONITOR WHIRRING.]
I can sit on your stoop and drink a glass of wine.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[BABY MONITOR SHUTS OFF.]
- Oh.
- Oh.
End of the line.
Listen we didn't just come here for monitor science.
We came to ask if you two would consider being godparents to Maria.
Oh, yes, yes, yes! [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh! - Oh! That's wonderful.
Thank you.
I knew it would either be us or Bill and Melinda Gates.
We'd be happy to be your death back-up parents.
[LAUGHS.]
And you know the great thing about godparents? They're always up for babysitting.
We'd be honored.
Any time.
Yes! How about Saturday night? Date night.
Ooh! But that's Halloween.
Is it? We'll do it.
- [LAUGHING.]
All right! - Yay! Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat [AS MARLON BRANDO.]
I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.
Are you The Penguin from "Batman"? 'Cause he wears a top hat.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I'm The Godfather.
You tried to kill Halloween with babysitting, but you've only made it stronger.
Now I can do a couples costume with Marvin and Honey's baby.
[CHUCKLES.]
She'll be the severed horse's head.
Her little face peeking out of the horse's mouth? [CHUCKLES.]
I die.
I die just thinking about it.
What if she suffocates? Wasn't married to it.
[HORSE MASK THUDS.]
So, have you boys figured out your joint Halloween costume yet? We're gonna be Fred and Barney from "The Flintstones.
" No.
I'm gonna need you both in pants, especially since the two of you are gonna be handing out candy this year.
- That is, if you're up for it.
- Listening.
One piece of candy per kid, nobody gets anything for just a Dolphins jersey, and no white sheets.
It's either a lazy ghost or something much worse.
Dad, don't worry.
We've got this.
Good, because one false move, and the house gets egged.
Sure, we can clean it all up, but the shame will last for years.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
So, the plan for Halloween is to meet the guys at the cemetery at sundown.
Spending the night there is gonna be so creepy fun.
Yeah, sure, cool.
Eddie, I'm not feeling heard by you.
Sorry.
I'm trying to find a job so I can buy a car.
Ooh! The country club's hiring! Do bathroom tenants get to pee on the job, or ? Do they have to hold it? If you want a job, why don't you just go back to Cattleman's? I'm not trying to work at my pop's restaurant my whole life.
I got my own plans.
I want to prove I can do this myself.
But you're still bringing the day-old ribs to the cemetery, right? Of course.
It's gonna be awesome.
I've memorized things Brian's dead grandma used to say.
Gonna scare the crap out of him.
[AS BRIAN'S GRANDMA.]
"I once got hit on by Ronald Reagan.
" [JINGLE PLAYS ON TELEVISION.]
You know what scares me? That dancing bed.
When you need to rest your sleepy head Go to "Beds! Beds! Beds!" and buy a bed [DING!.]
Beds! Beds! Beds! I can work there.
I've spent half my life on a mattress.
I'm the king of napping.
The California King.
You know, it's a longer mattress than a You know what? You're gonna do great.
A Japanese man saved my father's life once, so - you're hired.
- I'll take it! And I'll take my commission in cash, too, if that's cool.
[SIGHS.]
No, I can't put you on sales.
Lucas handles sales.
[SNORING.]
Oh, he's just setting the bait.
Customers see a doze like that, they want some for themselves.
Now, you'll be in the back assembling beds, de-vacuum-packing pillows, - making coffee.
- Sir, please.
I can sell mattresses.
Just give me a chance.
Kid's got a set of springs on him.
All right.
Tell you what you can work our all-night Halloween Spooktacular sale.
Oh, well I was gonna spend my night in the cemetery, but you know what? I'll be here.
I won't let you down.
Yeah [DOOR OPENS.]
Why are you throwing away candy? I am saving the boys some guesswork.
I'm chucking all the Smarties.
Sweet chalk? I don't think so.
Get this Marvin and Honey made us a list of baby instructions.
"Ask her permission before you check her diaper.
No peek-a-boo after 4:00 p.
m.
" "Don't let her watch lacrosse on TV"? [CHUCKLES.]
New parents.
Did you tell them how amazing we were with our babies? Of course, for like an hour.
And they still gave you the list? White people love lists.
As if we need baby instructions.
Hey, Evel Knievel, here's how you jump 15 buses on a motorcycle.
Let's file this with that recipe for upside-down cake that Honey gave me.
Alley-oop! [LAUGHS.]
Is this a Mervyn's bag? When are we gonna stop reusing bags? We're doing really well.
We can buy trash bags.
[INSECTS CHIRPING.]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND.]
[HEAVY BREATHING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Aah! - [SCREAMS.]
Trent, what are you doing here? Couldn't let my best bud work the 'ween all by himself.
I did some trick-or-treating on the way over so you'd have enough chocolate to stay up all night.
Aren't you supposed to be at the cemetery? Nah, I stopped by, but, honestly, what's the big deal? You think I haven't been to a graveyard before? I've lost several loved ones.
[CROWING.]
- Die, Satan! - [CROWING STOPS.]
[GASPS.]
Seemed like he was gonna be a distraction.
I can't believe they thought we were "Men in Black.
" "Men in Black" wear sunglasses, Mulder and Scully wear badges.
When I opened the X-Files, I knew there'd be doubters.
People fear the unknown.
We live in it.
The Baby Ruth is out there.
You did it, Mulder.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
CHILDREN: Trick or treat! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Thanks again for babysitting.
Honey and I are gonna make the most of our night out.
My spinach can is full of rum! [IMITATES POPEYE'S LAUGH.]
We are so happy to help.
In fact, I don't think I've ever seen Louis happier.
[IN ITALIAN ACCENT.]
It's-a me, Mario, and my little helper, Yoshi! - [LAUGHS.]
- There are no girl dinosaurs, Louis.
That's how they got extinct.
- [CRIES.]
- Okay! So fun! Now, don't forget bedtime is 7:30.
Well, I mean, you know that.
- You have the list.
- Memorized.
You two go enjoy your night.
This is nothing for us.
We'll get her down and have time to clean your kitchen, - which needs it.
- [SOFTLY.]
Hi.
- There you go.
Aww - [CRYING STOPS.]
I'm surprised to see the daughter of a dentist using a pacifier.
That's what I say.
Everybody knows that the suck leads to buck.
Teeth.
Buck teeth.
[LAUGHS.]
We really need this night out.
Hey, guys, you're really good with babies.
Do you think maybe you could wean her off it? - Hallo-wean her off it.
- No problem.
We got Eddie to take the paci in one night.
BOTH: That with the sun's love In the spring Becomes the rose [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
Emery was even easier.
Don't forget you're looking at - a couple of seasoned baby whisperers.
- [MARVIN CHUCKLES.]
Now, go neck in the woods, you crazy kids.
- We got this.
- [LAUGHS.]
Thank you.
- [MARIA CRYING.]
- Put it back in! Put it back in! [CRYING STOPS.]
- [CRYING RESUMES.]
- Oh! - Gosh! - Uh.
[CRYING STOPS.]
This baby's broken! We've sung "The Rose" eight times, and she still cries for the pacifier.
- You must not be in key.
- Don't worry.
Costume number two should do the trick Kuato from "Total Recall.
" You just don't recognize me without a mutant baby coming out of me.
This chest hole will be comforting like the womb.
She won't even miss the paci.
Open your mind.
- [CRYING.]
- I was wrong! Get her out! - Put her down! Put her down! - Get her out! Ohh! I don't understand what's happening! It was so easy with Eddie! The truth is it might not have been as easy with Eddie as you thought.
BOTH: The rose [CRYING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[CRYING CONTINUES.]
[CRYING CONTINUES.]
- [CRYING STOPS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Louis! You were completely undermining my parenting.
I wasn't undermining.
I was collaborating while you were not in the room.
Besides, I only did it once or twice.
A night.
- For a year or so.
- Oh, my God.
Well, you were finally getting some sleep.
I didn't want him to wake you.
Eventually, he outgrew the pacifier and no one was the wiser.
Not being wise is being dumb! You made me dumb! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
CHILDREN: Trick or treat! - I put a sign on the door! - [MARIA CRYING.]
Damn this holiday! Okay, you take Halloween.
I'll take the baby.
Apparently, I'm the only one of us who has the stomach to do the hard work of good parenting.
Stomach? If that's a dig at my Kuato hole, you're taking it a step too far.
Okay, here it goes sales pitch.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
I'm guessing you're a man who runs hot.
You know I am.
You make me sit on paper towels when I come over for "Crash Bandicoot.
" Okay, just You're not Trent.
You're my pretend customer.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Yes, yes.
Please go on.
So, you sleep hot, but say your wife gets easily chilled.
Yes, my wife, Sarah Michelle Gellar, runs cold.
I call her "Buffy the Thermostat Slayer.
" - [CHUCKLES.]
- Fine.
You and your wife, the gorgeous, famous actress, will both love this hybrid model with our patented hot-away foam on top [NORMAL VOICE.]
Shh! D-Did you hear that? - [CREAKING.]
- [SCOFFS.]
- Relax.
It's just the vibrating function.
- [CREAKING STOPS.]
The only thing you should be scared of is a delivery fee, which we waive.
I wasn't scared.
Besides, we're safe here.
I locked the door when I came in.
Trent! How am I supposed to sell a mattress if the door is locked? Not by making excuses like that.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
ALL: Trick or treat! Hello, friends.
What have we here? Britney Spears.
Hit me baby one more time? EVAN: And three Harry Potters! Please compliment your mothers on your scar makeup.
I did mine myself.
Mm.
[CANDY CLATTERS.]
Trick or treat! Weren't you just here, Britney? I don't know what you're talking about.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
I'm Hermione Granger.
Candy-loriam! Chocolatose! Mulder? A word.
[QUIETLY.]
What do we do? It's the same girl.
Dad said one piece of candy per person.
What if she's telling the truth, Scully? I want to believe.
Fine, but if we run out of candy, the egging is on you.
Sorry about my partner, Scully.
Such a skeptic.
- Trick or treat.
- [BOTH GASP.]
[SCARY MUSIC PLAYS.]
I solved the trick-or-treat problem.
Snipping wires is not as stressful as they make it seem in the movies.
Permission to sniff your bottom? You brought the baby list? Uh, no, this is our will.
I wrote it up while you were gone.
You don't believe in wills.
You said you want to be buried with everything we own.
- Give me that.
- [SIGHS.]
You dug through our trash? I was afraid I'd need it.
Funny, I thought you were the only parent here who had the stomach for all this.
Okay, fine.
I may have cut a few corners with Emery.
[EMERY CRYING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Shh.
[EMERY COOING.]
You made my mother night-nurse my son? Yes, because of you! You tricked me into thinking Eddie was perfect.
I didn't want people to think there was something wrong with Emery.
Well, now Marvin and Honey are gonna think something's wrong with us! We promised we'd wean Maria off the pacifier.
We don't deserve to be godparents.
We were barely even parents.
We need a hand.
[COOING.]
[SCARY MUSIC PLAYS.]
I hear someone can't sleep.
Trick or treat.
Welcome back, Hermione Britney.
As if.
I'm Cher from "Clueless.
" Mulder? She's back for a third time tricking us for treats.
This is everything Dad warned us about.
What if she's a clone? It's Halloween.
- Strange things happen.
- [SIGHS.]
It's your show, Mulder.
We need you to wean her off the pacifier like you did with Emery.
Well, can you take off the knife gloves? No.
Well, then just tell us.
You gave Emery whiskey?! - No whiskey.
- Well, that's it.
We're all out of tricks.
Wait.
We still had one more baby.
- What did we do with Evan? - [SIGHS.]
Evan was perfect.
He never even took the pacifier! - Damn you, perfect Evan! - [MARIA CRYING.]
- Aah.
- Ohh.
That was our only pacifier! Well [HUMMING.]
[CRYING CONTINUES.]
Now, we call this pillow the faux-down hoedown.
Just close your eyes and relax.
- [TELEPHONE RINGING.]
- What was that?! - The phone? - [GASPS.]
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
The call is coming from inside the store! [RINGING STOPS, GLASS SHATTERS.]
[SCOFFS.]
You got to chill, man! That could've been a customer! Or a killer on the premises.
Do you know how many people die from pillow suffocation? Every witness to every murder who happens to be in the hospital, for starters! I'm gonna go get a mop.
Try not to mess anything else up.
[SIGHS.]
Hi! I'm looking for a bed.
I work a graveyard shift and sleep all day, and my futon from college sucks.
[CHUCKLES.]
Graveyard, sleep all day, sucks? You're a vampire! I didn't invite you in! Spirito spirito santi! Spirito spirito santi! Take Eddie! He's full of blood! I'm uncomfortable.
So Wait! No! [SIGHS.]
Damn it, Trent.
This is my job! [OMINOUS CHORD STRIKES.]
[SHRIEKS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
I found six cigar cutters, a maritime compass, but not a single pacifier.
- [MARIA CRYING.]
- Shh! It's okay.
It's okay.
I tawt I saw a puddy tat.
- Are you kidding me? - [CLATTERS LIGHTLY.]
I thought the distraction would be good for her.
[CRYING CONTINUES.]
Okay, for me.
- [GROANS.]
- [DRAWER CLOSES.]
Why can't I find another pacifier in this entire house? This is all your fault.
This all started with you sneaking in with Eddie, and it ends here with us failing at Maria.
You're the one who outsourced our parenting to my mom.
Besides, we wouldn't even be in this mess if you hadn't tried to ruin Halloween.
Well, you're not helping with the outfits.
Every time she sees you, she thinks you're a terrifying, new stranger.
[CRYING CONTINUES.]
- [MARIA SHRIEKING.]
- Don't cry! It's me Honey! [DEEP VOICE.]
I-I-It's me, an older dentist who loves floral shirts and was in the Navy.
In my day, you were only allowed to cry if a bone broke through the skin.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- Mama loves you! Mama wore a halter top the day after you were born! - What's going on here? - [CRYING CONTINUES.]
Oh, sweetheart! It's okay.
Mama's home.
Now, I've had a few, but did we do a body switch? Okay, she's down for the night.
We are so sorry.
Louis especially.
- The clothes were his idea.
- We'll get them washed.
Maybe Jessica will ask my mother to do it.
The pants are dry clean only.
Whatever's going on between you two, can it go on in your own home? This is yours.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[SIGHS.]
I know the timing's not great for this, but I could really use a pee buddy.
Storage room is real dark.
Trent, just go to the cemetery.
I can't.
Look, the truth is [SIGHS.]
I'm scared.
Yeah, I got that.
Why do you care so much about selling a mattress? I just wanted to prove that I could make it in a job that wasn't handed to me by my dad.
[SIGHS.]
You know what? I'll buy a mattress from you.
Trent, you don't have to.
I want to.
You really sold me on that hot-away foam earlier.
As my body is changing, there's a heat radiating from down south.
How much for this bad boy? - $4,000.
- On sale?! But the gently-used twin in the corner is only $75.
- I'll take it.
- Thanks.
I won't tell the gang you were scared.
Honestly, the cemetery just sounds cold and boring.
And to tell the truth, kind of scary.
- Trent, I know! - Right, right.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Trick or treat! Ugh, Britney? Again? No, I'm Mary Katherine Gallagher.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Superstar! Mulder, this has gone too far.
You're right.
It's weird.
The only explanation she's a shape-shifter.
Wake up, Mulder! Sorry, that was Scully, not me.
But I am done with your crazy conspiracy theories.
The truth isn't out there.
It's right in front of your face! It's the same girl, and she's not getting any more candy! Scram, Britney.
We know it's you.
Case closed! You guys are the worst! [DOOR CREAKS.]
Ready, girls? ALL: Ready, Mother.
That last house didn't give me any candy.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- You were right, Scully.
I let myself get carried away.
Like my sister was carried away by those aliens.
Thanks for keeping me grounded.
That's why we're a good team, Mulder.
[MUSIC RESUMES.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
We really put our worst godparent foot forward - last night.
- Up late.
Almost overslept.
Gotta get to work! - [DOOR OPENS.]
- Maybe I'm the reason Eddie's a bad sleeper.
I'm lucky Emery broke his whiskey habit.
I'm gonna draw lines on all our liquor bottles just in case.
Did we just pass Eddie in a tie? For a minute there, I thought you got a valet.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [SIGHS.]
If you want us to step down as godparents, we totally get it.
Oh, of course, we don't want that.
I mean, yes, we did come home to a real diaper show last night, but it made us feel better about the hard time we were having.
Really? We thought we'd blown it.
No.
You two are the best parents we know.
Honestly, it was a relief to see you having a tough time, too.
So, the fact that we were so bad made you feel better - about also being so bad? - Exactly.
And as a little thank you, I made my upside-down cake - you love so much.
- Ohh.
You guys are amazing godparents.
There's no one we'd rather have take care of this little butterball when Honey and I go to that big Thanksgiving in the sky.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh! We got to go.
Maria's got seashell class in 10 minutes.
- It's what you think it is.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
No idea what they're doing.
No idea.
[CHUCKLES.]
But neither did we.
And our kids turned out pretty great.
'Cause we always had each other's back, even if it was behind each other's back.
So, should we share everything we've done without each other knowing? Of course not.
That would be crazy.
Nothing to tell.
[CHUCKLES.]
Special delivery for Mommy.
One Evan hug with a side of cheek peck.
What was that for? After embodying Agent Dana Scully for a night, I have a new respect for women.
It is not easy for you.
Let me bus these wrappers.
- Are you sure you didn't - I never snuck in.
- I swear.
- You? Never, not once.
Huh.
We really nailed it with Evan.
- We did.
We really did.
- Mm-hmm.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [EVAN FUSSING.]
Hey, Evan.
Can't sleep? Me neither.
I'm not scared, but I thought you might be.
Your big bro Eddie is just a night owl.
[HOOTS.]
Man, you won't believe what went down on "Thirtysomething" tonight.
The Steadmans have asbestos.