Full House s05e03 Episode Script

Hurry up.
I'm coming, Michelle.
[HICCUPS.]
That was a big one.
All right, stay cool, Michelle.
The Katsopolis cure for hiccups never, never fails.
You gotta flap your arms like a chicken and wiggle your eyes like Groucho.
This has nothing to do with a cure.
I was just trying to see if you were dopey enough to do it.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, now, here's the real cure.
What you do is take a sip of water.
Okay, now.
Now, now, okay.
Now what you gotta do is say the magic words: Have mercy.
Have mercy.
See that? [HICCUPS.]
All right, we'll go to the cure recommended by the New England Journal of Medicine.
Ah! That wasn't very nice.
- I'm telling Daddy.
- Come on, I'm just trying to help.
Don't get me in trouble here.
It worked, didn't it? [HICCUPS.]
Dad! Okay, chapter six.
What do we know about Jefferson? He owns a cleaning store, and he's married to Weezie.
Don't mind Kimmy.
She has a seat reserved in summer school.
So, Rick, are you free this weekend? I know D.
J.
's free this weekend.
Very subtle, Kimmy.
Well, I don't have any plans.
Hey, they're opening a new roller coaster on Saturday night at Thrill Mountain.
The Squirminator.
Well, that's this weekend when we're both free.
Yeah, that's not obvious.
You know, I was thinking that maybe you and I could-- Hey, you must be Rick.
The Rickmeister Rickarama, the Rickshaw man, Rikki-Tikki-Tavi.
My annoying little sister was just leaving.
No, your adorable little sister was just making herself comfortable.
Uh-- Hey.
Wait a minute.
Moment, please.
Can we talk? Just a-- How rude! So, Rick, where were we? You nutty teenagers are always goofing around.
As if you didn't want me in my own room.
[LAUGHING.]
Bye-bye.
So, Rick, we were just talking about Thrill Mountain.
Thrill Mountain? I love Thrill Mountain.
Deej, remember the time you threw up on the Wild Weasel? - No.
- How could you forget? You were pigging out on corn dogs and they had to stop the ride for 30 minutes to hose it down.
Well, sounds like you're not ready for the Squirminator.
I gotta go.
See you in school tomorrow.
Bye, Rickmonster.
Rickatoni, Rickory-dickory-dock.
Stephanie, you ruined everything.
Rick was just about to ask me out.
Maybe he'll ask you out tomorrow.
Oh, sure.
By tomorrow, he'll find someone who can hold her corn dogs.
They'll fall in love on the Squirminator, and I'll end up desperate and alone.
You'll never be alone.
You'll always have me.
I don't want you.
You're always in my way.
I'm getting my own room.
You, little sister, are history.
Come on.
The Deejenizer.
The Dijon mustard.
Come on, you're just.
- Hey, sweetheart.
- Hi, honey.
- How you doing? - Mm-hm.
Good.
- How are my little twinsters doing? - Fine.
What'd you get me? Just what you wanted, salt-and-vinegar potato chips.
Oh, honey, is that what I asked for? Because I really have a craving for garlic-and-cheddar chips.
Mm.
Well, I had a feeling you might change your mind.
Especially after the second time you paged me at the market.
So I got every chip-- Every chip known to man.
It's the pregnancy variety pack.
Oh, honey, you are so thoughtful.
You didn't happen to get any with ridges, did you? What's the big deal about ridges? It's like a potato chip that needs to be ironed.
Honey, those ridges help you scoop up a lot more bean dip.
- Oh, no, the bean dip, I forgot.
- Sweetie, you know what? It doesn't matter.
We have to set up - for our childbirth class right now.
- Right.
You can shop for bean dip after class is over.
Oh, goody.
Whoa.
A million billion chips and nobody in the kitchen? Oh, nuts, childproof.
- You need to move this furniture back.
- See you, guys.
Have a good time.
You guys are welcome to stay for childbirth class.
It's really interesting.
Oh, we'd love to, Becky, but darn our luck we're stuck with these two tickets to the Warriors game.
- Those are the breaks.
Let's roll, buddy.
- Okay, pal.
Hi.
[IN UNISON.]
Hi.
Guys, this is Lisa Green.
She teaches our childbirth class.
Hi, Lisa.
I'm Danny Tanner, your eager student.
Enjoy the game, Joey.
Hi, I'm Joey Gladstone, ex-Warriors fan.
Nice meeting you both, but in order to join our class one of you has to be pregnant.
Well, I have been retaining an awful lot of water lately.
That's funny.
Actually, I'm just taking the class in case Jesse passes out in the delivery room and Becky needs a backup coach.
And I'll be there to back up Danny when he passes out.
Well, okay.
You're welcome to stay and observe.
That's great, because I have a lot of questions about childbirth.
Like, for instance are you and your husband planning any children? Actually, I'm single.
[IMITATING DAFFY DUCK.]
Well, what a coincidence.
So am I.
Daffy Duck.
No, he just spits when he talks.
It's-- Be a tough choice for you.
Dad, Uncle Jesse, Joey may I please see you guys in the kitchen? Actually, I'm kind of busy, honey.
Is it really important? Dad, this is my biggest crisis this week.
Okay, we're coming.
Excuse us.
Pull it open, Comet.
These are doggie-proof too.
Michelle.
Honey, did you take these potato chips without asking? I told you we would get in trouble.
Excuse me, if I may have your attention.
I would like to make a very important presentation entitled: "My Own Room: Together We Can Make It Happen.
" - The first point I'd like to make is that-- - Don't listen to her! Thank you, Stephanie, you've just illustrated my first point: "Interruptions.
" I cannot talk on the phone do my homework or entertain my friends without-- That's ridiculous.
I do not-- Steph, let's hear what D.
J.
has to say then you'll get your chance to interrupt.
That's all I ask.
Moving on to my next point: "Two different worlds.
" I go to high school, land of maturity.
Stephanie and Michelle go to elementary school.
Tiny town.
Now, they share a school, they should share a room.
I object! I happen to be in fourth grade and have nothing in common with a kindergarten baby like Michelle.
Who are you calling a baby, baby? Children, please.
To bring up my next point: "Strange but true facts.
" Stephanie and Michelle are the exact same ages Stephanie and I were when we started sharing a room.
- Isn't that amazing? - That is amazing.
It's like that thing where Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln and Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
What's amazing is you're able to dress yourself every morning.
In conclusion, I've paid my dues, and I deserve my own room.
If there's any justice in this world, then you'll set me free.
Gentlemen, I thank you.
Okay.
Steph, do you have a rebuttal? No, but you should hear my side of this.
Please don't make me live with a 4-year-old baby.
I'm not a baby.
I'm 4 and three-quarters.
You're still a little shrimp.
Stop calling me names, you cheesehead.
Okay, that's enough, you two.
Just give us guys a second, and we're gonna talk this over.
- Can I see chart number two--? - Get in here.
Okay, we've come to a decision.
Dad, that's so unfair.
You haven't even heard what I have to say.
Sorry, just a habit.
It just so happens that we agree with you.
- You do? - You do? Yep.
Starting this weekend, Michelle is gonna move in with Stephanie and, D.
J.
, you get your own room.
Finally, my own room! I have to go tell Kimmy.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Nice knowing you, kid.
Hey, guys, Lisa needs some help setting up.
- Any volunteers? - Danny.
Honey, I'm a little chilly.
Could you get my wool socks? All our winter stuff is up in the crawlspace.
- I'd have to crawl up there, get all dirty-- - Thank you, sweetheart.
No problem, darling.
Two more months.
Just two more months.
Well, Michelle, I guess it's just you and me.
I don't wanna live with you.
Why not? You look up to me.
That's because I'm short.
Michelle, we're gonna be roommates.
This should be the happiest day of your life.
Read my lips: Pbbbt! Nobody wants to live with me.
Comet, you don't know what it's like to have everyone against you.
Well, if D.
J.
and Michelle don't wanna live with me I'll just find a place of my own.
[BARKING.]
Thanks for the offer but it might be a little crowded in your doghouse.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Cleansing breath.
Okay, let's all take out our focus objects.
Remember, this is what the mothers will be concentrating on during labor.
Here you go, babe.
Focus on the King.
Jess, when you give birth you focus on the King.
All right.
Better? Much.
Our last exercise will be deep breathing with our focus objects.
Okay, try it again.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Okay, keep going.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
You know, if I seem a little advanced it's because I've already been through four births my three daughters and, of course, my own.
Seeing my three girls being born was the most beautiful experience of my life.
Yeah, tell me about it.
When Fred and Wilma had Pebbles, I cried for a week.
Ya-ba-da-ba-- [CRYING.]
I love those voices you do.
You know, I do a few cartoon voices myself.
Hey, stop chasing me, you mean cat.
- That was really good.
DANNY: Thanks.
Who was that? That was Tom, you know, the little mouse from Tom and Jerry.
Tom was the cat.
Jerry was the mouse.
And neither one of them ever talked.
Get a life.
Joey's right.
Jerry is a mouse that never talks.
But what is fascinating is that Mickey, he's also a mouse and he can just talk for hours on any subject.
Yeah, yeah, like Pluto, for instance.
I mean, this guy's a dog.
He wears a dog collar and lives in a doghouse.
Yet Goofy, who's also a dog drives a car, plays golf and lives in a condo.
That is exactly what I was talking about.
You know what? You two are actually perfect for each other.
I'm sorry I tried to pick you up.
I'll be right over here.
Lis, would you like to go out for pizza sometime? I'd love to go out with you just as soon as class is over.
- Class is over.
BECKY: Snack time.
All right, here's a little snack for you.
Whoa, watch out, guys.
It's feeding time.
Mm! Mm! Honey, you know what I just got a craving for? A nice slice of seedless watermelon.
- Doesn't that sound good? - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, really good.
- Watermelon's out of season right now.
I'd probably have to go to Mexico to get it.
Well, you've got a car.
[CHUCKLING.]
Do you believe this, guys? She'd send me to Mexico to get her seedless watermelon.
- I mean, do you believe this? - I know.
[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.
We shouldn't have to send them.
They should be happy to go.
- Yeah.
- Right.
Yeah.
Ho-ho-hold it, baby boomers.
Now, going to the market and stuff like that, that's fine.
But leaving the country to get seedless watermelon because you have some wacky craving, that's where I draw the line.
MEN: Yeah.
Next thing you know, she's gonna want Swiss chocolate.
- Oh, that does sound good.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Swiss chocolate.
I'm not going to Switzerland.
Jess, you're missing the point.
It's not about where you go.
It's about you guys being there for us.
I mean, okay, so maybe we're a little overemotional.
And maybe we do get a little demanding.
But that's because our hormones are running wild.
I mean, we're happy, we're sad, we're hot, we're cold, we're huge! And all we want are ridgy potato chips and a nice slice of juicy watermelon with a side of Swiss chocolate.
Now, is that too much to ask? I don't think so! No, sweetheart, no, no, no, I'm sorry.
[CRYING.]
It's not too much to ask.
I know the babies depend on you for everything so you should be able to depend on me, I'm sorry.
Oh, Jess, what's wrong with me? I mean, you're so patient and understanding and I don't deserve you.
No, no, you do.
You deserve me.
She deserves me, right, guys? - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, now you wanna be my friend.
I'm gonna be normal again someday, right? I hope so.
May I help you? Just measuring my new room.
Kimmy was right.
There is enough room for a hot tub.
No so fast, sister.
This is still my room.
Michelle, you heard Dad.
You're moving in with Stephanie, and I'm getting this room all to myself.
You just stay in your own room.
Stephanie moved out.
- No, she didn't.
- Yes, she did.
- No, she didn't.
- Yes, she did.
- No, she didn't.
- Yes, she did.
Why am I arguing with a 4-year-old? I'm 4 and three-quarters! You're right.
She's gone.
Duh! Well, where did she go? Follow me.
Stephanie? Did someone forget how to knock? Stephanie, what are you doing in here? I live here.
Isn't it cool? I turned the sink into a wet bar, the tub into a waterbed and I'm thinking of turning the toilet into a love seat.
Hi, girls.
- Is there something you wanna tell me? - Stephanie lives in the potty now.
Oh, really? Well, I love what you've done with the place.
Thanks.
I've got the cable guy coming Tuesday.
Honey why did you move in here? Because I've got no place else to go.
D.
J.
and Michelle don't wanna live with me.
Girls, I don't like what I'm hearing.
Maybe we should just rethink this whole idea of changing rooms.
No, no, no rethinking.
Your original thinking was perfect.
Just give me a chance to work this all out.
Okay, Deej.
Heck, you've had enough Dad talks over the years.
I think I've given you enough wisdom to handle this on your own.
- Thanks, Dad.
- I won't mention how important it is - to treat each other with respect.
- I got it.
I'm sorry, these Dad talks are hard to give up.
Why don't you say we just skip the speech go straight to the hugs and we'll start packing? No, thank you.
Michelle.
Great start, Deej.
Dad would be proud.
Oh, would you mind closing the door on your way out? Steph, come on.
I've given you five years.
Give me five minutes.
Fine, five minutes.
Ready.
Go.
Steph, I know we can work this out.
We always work things out.
Yeah, but this time it's personal.
Steph, we've been through way too much together to throw it away now.
We've laughed.
We've cried.
We weren't just roommates, we were soul mates.
Very touching.
Four minutes.
Steph, if you stay in here this could ruin everything.
Is this some kind of revenge because I've been such a terrible sister? No.
You've been a great sister.
That's why I don't want you to leave.
If you go, I'll miss everything.
Listening in on your phone calls hearing if you got a date for the weekend then reading your diary to see how it went.
Steph, I'll be right down the hall.
You can visit me whenever you want.
My door is always open.
Unless it's closed, and then you knock.
But it won't be the same.
No, not exactly the same.
You're gonna be the big sister in the room.
Michelle's gonna look up to you just like you looked up to me.
But one thing will never change.
I'll always be your big sister, and I'll always love you.
I'll always love you too, Deej.
Now that we have the old team back together maybe between the two of us we can outsmart Michelle.
Piece of cake.
Michelle, can we come in? MICHELLE: Whose room is this? It's your room.
MICHELLE: Okay, come in.
Welcome to my room.
Michelle, if you don't move you're missing out on a wonderful experience.
Living with Stephanie was the happiest time of my life.
Then why don't you keep her? Well, I've been happy long enough.
It's time for you to be happy.
This is my gift to you.
Michelle why don't you wanna live with me? Because you called me a kindergarten baby.
I'm sorry.
What I meant to say was, "You're in kindergarten, baby!" Nice try.
Come on, if you live with me, I'll give you a bag of cookies.
- Okay, I'll live with you.
- Really? You're lucky I love cookies.
Well, Michelle, now that we're living together I only have one rule.
- I'm the boss.
- No, I'm the boss.
- No, I'm the boss.
- I'm the boss.
Oh, this is beautiful.
You two were made for each other.
- I'm the boss.
- I'm the boss.
- No, I am.
- No, I am.
- No, I'm the boss.
MICHELLE: No, I'm the boss.
STEPH: I'm the boss.
- Yes.