Garfield and Friends (1988) s05e03 Episode Script

- (Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen: Garfield and Friends. We're! We're! Ready! Ready!
To! To! Party!
We're ready to party, we're ready ♪
I hope you bring lots of spaghetti ♪
I'm scared
Come on in, come to the place where fun never ends ♪
Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and friends ♪
Dancing, fiesta, romancing, siesta ♪
Samba, la bamba, ay caramba
Disguises! Disguises! Surprises! Surprises! ♪
And pies of-- and pies of all sizes ♪
Come on in, come to the place where fun never ends ♪
Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and friends ♪
Come on in, come to the place where fun never ends ♪
Garfield and friends
- (Garfield) Today's show is dedicated to loyal,
courageous pizza delivery persons everywhere.
(upbeat music)
- (Announcer) And now live, well,
animated from the Garfield television studio.
We bring you the first annual Garfield Watchers test.
- (Garfield) Thank you welcome to the first annual
Garfield Watchers test.
Well, today we're gonna--
- (Announcer) The first annual Garfield Watchers test
is brought to you by the Schlocko
battery-powered battery changer.
The only battery changer guaranteed
to change its own batteries.
- (Garfield) Right.
Like I was saying,
welcome to the first annual Garfield--
- (Announcer) And by the Schlocko cabbage waxer.
Now you can wax your cabbage with the cabbage waxer
the professionals use.
- (Garfield) Are you quite finished?
- (Announcer) Back to you Garfield.
- (Garfield) Thank you.
Today folks we're gonna see if you've been paying
attention while watching my show.
Get your pencils ready.
- (Announcer) And make sure they're Schlocko pencils.
Schlocko pencils can write in any language.
English, French, Spanish, even pig latin.
Schlocko pencils write long sentences,
short sentences, vowels, consonants--
- (Garfield) Alright, enough.
Cut. Time out.
The cat's had his fill of this.
Excuse me one moment folks.
Like we don't have enough commercials
on this show already.
Okay big mouth what's with all the Schlocko commercials
on my show?
- They're paying us to do them.
- (Garfield) How much?
- This much.
- (Garfield) That's-- that's enough money to keep me in food
for a whole month, week.
How much of that do I get?
- Half. What do you have to say now?
- (Garfield) And now this word from our sponsor.
- Hey kids.
Would you like to have the neatest
most fun toy in the whole world?
Well here it is.
The Schlocko ball 2000.
Yes, the Schlocko ball 2000 is the most incredible
space-age invention of the century.
Throw it down, it magically flies back into your hand.
Throw it up in the air it harnesses
the mystic forces of gravity to return to you.
Made out of a top-secret miracle formula.
- (Garfield) it's made out of rubber.
- (Announcer) That's the Schlocko ball 2000.
Only 99.95 wherever Schlocko stuff is sold.
- (Garfield) Is it my turn finally?
- (Announcer) Ahem, and now back to the first annual
Garfield Watchers test.
- (Garfield) Thank you.
Here's question number one.
This kitchen employs 32 cooks and 41 assistants.
They are busily preparing a meal for A,
the fifth Marine Division.
B, the entire state of Indiana.
Or C, me.
The correct answer is of course, C.
That was an easy one just to get us started.
Question number 2.
Jon is supposed to pick up a beautiful lady
for a date at 8:00 o'clock.
When he gets home he will be A,
proud of how charming he was.
B, hopelessly in love.
Or C, in plenty of time for the 9:00 o'clock news.
And the correct answer is C.
Jon Arbuckle dates do not last long.
I sometimes use them to time soft-boiled eggs.
Question number three.
The average doggie tongue is A, six inches long.
B, 12 inches long.
Or C, easily mistaken for a freeway.
C, easily mistaken for a freeway.
Especially since Odie's nose looks like an off-ramp.
The next question is how--
- Next question is are you sick of wrapping
presents for your friends and family?
- (Garfield) No, the next question is about lasagna.
- Then you need the Schlocko wrap-o-matic.
The Schlocko wrap-o-matic wraps,
folds, bends, knots, and ties.
Just watch how easily the Schlocko wrap-o-matic
will wrap a gift according to the holiday of your choice.
Garfield will you hold up that box for us?
- (Garfield) Oh the things I do for money.
- Now we push the start button
and begin our wrap session.
- (Garfield) Hey, unhand me.
Do I look like a gift?
- The Schlocko wrap-o-matic does gifts for Christmas,
Easter, Thanksgiving, and Elvis Presley's birthday.
See how quickly it works.
That's the Schlocko wrap-o-matic.
And now, back to you Garfield.
- (Garfield) Let me out.
(gasping)
I'm getting sick of these commercials.
- Think of the money.
- (Garfield) Our next question is about lasagna.
After removing lasagna from the oven
it will stay fresh for A, 24 hours.
B, 12 hours.
Or C, it doesn't matter.
It's gone in 19 seconds.
The correct answer is always C.
If you haven't noticed by now.
Okay here's another question about lasagna.
Lasagna is--
- (Announcer) Speaking of lasagna.
- (Garfield) As I usually am.
- When you don't have time to cook pasta try Schlocko
brand frozen microwave lasagna food substitute products.
- (Garfield) Food substitute product?
Let me see that stuff.
Contains partially hydrogenated soybean oil.
Hydrolyzed vegetable protein.
Potassium chloride, xanthin gum.
- All you need is a microwave oven.
- (Garfield) There is no cheese in this or tomato.
Or food.
- Just pop it in for 2.3 seconds.
And you have delicious Schlocko brand frozen
microwave lasagna food product substitute.
Try it.
- (Garfield) Are you sure you took it out of the box?
- Look for Schlocko
frozen food product substitutes everywhere.
- (Garfield) Everywhere?
No, this cannot be.
These people must be stopped.
I am now going to A, go on with the show.
B, allow these commercials to continue.
Or C, demonstrate the Schlocko mouse eliminator.
What's the answer?
C, of course.
- Garfield, think about the money.
- (Garfield) Some things are more important than money.
Bad lasagna to name one.
(upbeat music)
Sorry folks.
We'll resume the first annual Garfield Watchers test
with no further interruption.
For the last question I asked Jon Arbuckle and Odie
to join me and hey, hey.
Stop, turn it off.
I know I'm gifted but this is ridiculous.
- We're here Garfield.
Garfield?
Gosh, Odie.
I guess we missed the show.
- Oh.
- But look.
Garfield left us a present.
Let's take it home.
- (Odie) Yeah, yeah.
(Odie sniffing)
- No, Odie.
It says do not open until Christmas
and that's exactly what we're going to do.
Even if it is more than nine months away.
- (Garfield) Last question.
The second annual Garfield Watchers test will occur
A, next year.
B, next decade.
Or C, over my dead body.
You know the answer.
Good night.
(upbeat music)
Just look at this someone left the cellar door open.
Jon's told me a hundred times to keep it closed.
I better close it so nobody gets hurt.
(footsteps approaching)
(Jon grunting)
Sorry about that Jonny boy.
(upbeat music)
- Good evening what a good morning.
Today the Orson farm players present for your edification
the classic poem The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe.
Once Upon a midnight dreary while--
(whistle blows)
- (Man) Cut, wrong.
We're not doing that poem.
We're doing Orson's version.
- Orson's version?
My word.
Forgive me.
And now that not so classic poem The Rooster
by Edgar Orson Pig.
Why doesn't somebody tell me these things?
- (Man) Hey if you come to rehearsals.
- (Orson) The rooster by Edgar Orson Pig.
Ahem.
Once upon a monday dreary toting crops had made me weary.
Putting them away had been a long and very awesome chore.
Carrots, corn and ripe tomatoes.
Peppers, peas and sweet potatoes.
Twas the most impressive crop
that I had seen in quite a score.
As I sat to guard the most impressive crop in quite a score
someone heard his stomach roar.
- Shh.
- (Orson) I'd stand guard with all my powers
and to pass the boring hours.
I had brought a brand new book
that promised fascinating lore.
As my book I started reading suddenly I heard stampeding.
As of someone charging most directly for the wooden door.
Tis some rooster I then muttered
charging at the wooden door.
In a flash his beak was sore.
Ah the rooster as expected
charged the barn that I protected.
Seeking to enhance his diet with our vegetables galore.
Then he said.
- Now listen piggy.
This year's crop's a real biggie.
I'm not leaving till I get some vegetables which I adore.
- (Orson) But I couldn't give this rooster
vegetables that he'd adore.
- Yow.
- Call me when you reach the shore.
All year long we work the soil.
In the fields workers toil.
So that we can have a harvest like they did in days of yore.
I resumed my bookish learning
knowing well he'd be returning.
Later as I sat and pondered up to me a merchant wandered.
From the A1 vacuum cleaner company of Baltimore.
As his wares he demonstrated.
I was truly captivated.
- Nothing can now keep me from the goodies
right behind that door.
- (Orson) Truly he did not suspect
the trap I'd laid behind the door.
Quoth the rooster.
- Where's the floor?
Yahoo.
- (Orson) There he was in all his splendor.
Vowing still to not surrender.
Even though he'd failed like the many times he tried before.
But he said without contrition.
- I will not give up on my mission.
- (Orson) He would get those vegetables that was the vow
on which he swore.
I would guard to keep him from succeeding
in the vow he swore.
Roosters can be such a bore.
Soon I started getting drowsy.
Boy this book is really lousy.
(yawning)
Though I tried to stay awake,
I soon began to nap and snore.
In a wink this pig was dreaming
while the foul one was scheming.
With a suit of lettuce
that he'd gotten from a costume store.
- I'm so glad I bought this suit
when I was at the costume store.
Watch me even up the score.
- (Orson) I was off in blissful slumber.
- Sounds like someone's sawing lumber.
- (Orson) Dreaming of a girl I'd known
when I was but a lad of four.
I recall the sunny weather.
All the games we played together.
With the young and chubby maiden
whom her parents named Lenore.
As I sat and dreamed a dream about my friend the lost Lenore
someone grabbed up more and more.
She would play games with her buddy.
Like all pigs a little muddy.
And the times I heard her laugh
it always made my spirits soar.
While I sat there soundly sleeping.
Trouble on six legs was creeping.
In the barn my brothers snuck.
My brothers whom we all deplore.
Sound asleep I didn't see the brothers whom we all deplore.
Someone shuddered to the core.
Then my brother most abusive
found one basket quite elusive.
He pursued the lettuce
and he caught it right beside the door.
Soon the rooster was confessing.
- I'd best give up salad dressing.
- (Orson) All the time I was in dreamland
with my friend the pig Lenore.
(lullaby music)
Didn't do much for my image
when they used me in a scrimmage.
My friend ran away so that she wouldn't see the big uproar.
I recalled my brothers laughter
worst of all what happened after.
When she said.
- (Lenore) My parents say I can't play with you anymore.
- (Orson) Soon her parents
moved away I didn't see her anymore.
So much for my friend Lenore.
Still asleep but half awoken I dreamed
how my heart was broken.
How my brothers should be punished
for the pains they'd caused before.
Unaware that I was nearing
they had stopped off in a clearing.
And they'd found the rooster in the lettuce costume
that he wore.
He regretted very much the lettuce costume
that he wore.
- Cartoons can't have blood and gore.
- (Orson) Dreaming of great perseverance
I then made a grand appearance.
My determination made me strong as Hercules or Thor.
My heroic strong compulsion sent all three into convulsions.
(laughing)
But I'd been emboldened by the memories of lost Lenore.
So emboldened was I by the memories of lost Lenore.
For the hills my brothers tore.
I awoke then very tired
quite surprised at what transpired.
In my sleep I'd felt a power that I'd never felt before.
Then I found my sly amigo battered in both form and ego.
And I asked him if he'd give up stealing food
we tried to store.
Roy, I asked.
Do you intend to swipe the food we try to store?
Quoth the rooster.
- Nevermore.
(upbeat music)
- (Garfield) Come on boy.
We got to get this stagecoach through the pass.
There are hungry cats to the next town with a hankering
for this food.
- Will you be quiet?
No no, not not you Cheryl.
So Cheryl, how about a date with a handsome eligible
man about town?
I meant me.
(Cheryl laughing)
Very funny Cheryl.
Now listen.
Cheryl, Cheryl.
I don't see what's so amusing.
Cheryl?
- (Garfield) Odie, for a dog you make a lousy horse.
How are we gonna get this picnic outside
so we can eat it?
Good idea.
We need to lighten the load on the stagecoach a might.
Don't be ridiculous.
Horses don't eat strawberry jam sandwiches.
(Cheryl laughing)
- I can wait just as long as you can Cheryl.
Cheryl. Cheryl, I'm going to answer the door, Cheryl.
I'll be right back.
(Cheryl laughing)
May I help you?
- I think I have the wrong address.
Is this Riverside Drive?
- No that's about four blocks west.
Your-- your-- you're perfect.
You're beautiful.
(romantic music)
- Dearly beloved we are gathered here today
to join this woman and this cartoonist in matrimony.
Do you strange, beautiful woman at the door
take this cartoonist as your husband
to have and to hold in sickness and in health?
(burp)
With or without this cat.
- I do.
- And do you Jon Arbuckle take this woman to be your wife
even though you don't have the slightest idea
what her name is?
- I do.
- (Woman) You do what?
- Huh?
- You just said I do.
What do you do?
- Oh I'm I'm just a cartoonist.
- Cartoonist.
I love cartoonists.
- You do?
- My dream man has always been a cartoonist who loves music.
- I love music.
I have a great record collection.
- Record collection?
What's a record?
(upbeat music)
- (Garfield) Giddy up.
What a shame.
Looks like I have to lighten our cargo some more.
- Records are these disks that play music.
- You mean compact discs.
- No no before they had compact discs.
People listened to records.
See? This is a record.
- How about if I come back this evening
and you can play some records for me?
- Sure.
She's gonna come over and listen to records with me.
I'd better pick out something romantic.
(straining)
- (Garfield) Something's wrong with our stagecoach here.
Here's the problem.
I left the brake on.
Runaway stagecoach.
- She'll like this one.
My record player.
- (Garfield) Bad dog, Odie.
You should know better than to play stagecoach
in the living room.
Hey I wasn't the one who creamed
your whatchamacallit machine.
- Well I guess I'll just have to go out
and buy a new record player for tonight.
- (Garfield) Record player?
What's a record?
- Come on guys.
We're going to get a new record player.
(Cheryl laughing on phone line)
- (Garfield) Lead on Mac-Arbuckle.
- You can stop now Cheryl.
- (Woman) You wanna buy what?
- A record player.
It's a machine you put records on
and then they play and you can hear music.
- You mean a CD player?
- No. Somebody here has to have heard of record players.
- Lou, Sam.
Anyone here know anything about record players?
- (Lou And Sam) No, what's that?
- Okay. I'll just go someplace
where they have them.
- (Garfield) Uh oh I know that tone of voice.
When Jon sounds like that we aren't getting dinner
for a long time.
- We'll try that store down the block.
- (Garfield) Just when I was up to nine.
- Yes a machine that plays records.
It goes around and around and around and around.
- I seem to remember something about them.
We used them back in the old days.
Back one has just a boy.
I might have one in the back with the real old antiques.
Come on.
Ah here you are.
(coughing)
A record player.
- I'll take it.
(snoring)
I found one guys.
- (Garfield) Oh found one what?
- This is a record player.
Guard it while I go bring the car around.
- (Garfield) I don't know what it does either
but it would make a dandy stagecoach.
Giddy up horsey.
Let's get this stagecoach on the trail.
That's not where the horse goes.
Get down there and pull.
- Uh uh.
(upbeat music)
- (Garfield) You're the horse
because you attract more flies than I do.
(upbeat music)
If you'd have been a good horse this wouldn't have happened.
- Did you see a record player go by here?
- What's a record player?
- Oh my record player.
- (Garfield) Never mind that whatever it is.
What about my stagecoach?
And my back.
- I'm gonna play records for that lady.
Even if I don't have a working record player
she is going to hear music.
- (Garfield) What do you mean?
What can we do?
Jon, don't look at us like that.
- I love listening to records Jon.
These are even better than compact discs.
Glad you like them.
- Could we listen to something Latin?
- Anything you like my dear.
I'll put on some Latin music.
- (Garfield) Okay but if he wants to hear anything disco
I'm out of here.
(upbeat music)