Get Smart (1965) s05e03 Episode Script

Man over P.
A.
: All passengers now disembarking from flight 101, please report immediately to customs.
- Psst, Max.
- Oh, hi, Chief.
- I'll be with you in a minute.
- Max, how's it going? Great.
How do you like 'em? Max, I'm talking about the mission.
Forget about the diapers.
Well, I can't forget about the diapers, Chief.
After all, I'm gonna become a father.
I have to practice.
Max, KAOS is trying to smuggle a deadly explosive into the country, and you're supposed to be on the lookout for it.
- I know that, Chief.
- Then start checking through my luggage like I'm a passenger.
I'll fill you in on all the information we have up to now.
Right, Chief.
The formula is divided into three parts-- Chief, do you have the keys to this thing? Oh, yes.
The first part has already been smuggled into this country.
Max, why did you do that? Well, you asked me to treat you like a customer, and here at customs, that's the way we treat 'em.
According to our information, part two of the formula is going to be sent through today, but we don't know whether it's coming through by boat or by plane.
Where'd you get these shorts, Chief? Never mind the shorts.
Now I've got men stationed at the pier.
- Your job-- - What size are these shorts? - 36.
Your job is-- - These are no 36, Chief.
- All right, Max.
38.
- They're more like a 40, Chief.
All right, 40 if it makes you happy.
Now give me those shorts.
Max, I can't stress upon you the importance of this mission.
You must not let that second part of the formula get through! I'll check with you later.
Uh, hold it, Chief.
I'd better mark that so they'll let you through.
Okay, next! Okay, may I ask what you're bringing into the country? Okay, you can go ahead.
I can see what you're bringing into the country.
Okay, who's next? - I am.
- Well, you're a little young to be traveling alone, aren't you? No, that's my doll.
I'm down here, mister.
Oh.
Well, you're the youngest ventriloquist I've ever seen.
- I'm not a ventriloquist.
- Well, you should be.
You're the greatest I've ever heard.
Where's your mommy and daddy? They're waiting to meet me.
I was away visiting my grandma.
Oh.
Well, you can go ahead right through.
We don't want to keep your mommy and daddy waiting.
Thank you, mister.
Good.
Valerie's waiting.
You brought the second part of the formula? ( deep masculine voice ) Yeah, it's in the doll, just like the other one.
( theme music playing ) Yes.
I see.
Thank you very much.
Well, it's definite, Max.
The little girl you let through customs was not a little girl.
Well, she certainly wasn't a big girl, Chief.
- She was only that high.
- Max, it wasn't a little girl at all.
- It was a little man! - Chief, that is ridiculous! I was there, you weren't.
I'm telling you that it was a little girl with blonde, curly hair.
And she was a great ventriloquist.
Max, it was Little Louie Dunlap, a KAOS courier! - Well, he could've fooled me.
- He did fool you! Does that mean that KAOS has the second part of the formula now, Chief? I'm afraid so, 99.
They managed to get both parts in the country in less than-- let me have that.
In less than two weeks! If they succeed in getting the third part in, we're in big trouble.
What do you think they plan to do with the formula once it's complete? They plan to change the structure of the United States.
- What? - Let me show you.
Now this map was stolen by one of our CONTROL agents from KAOS headquarters.
Take a look at it.
Max, will you stop playing around with that diaper and look at this map? - Sorry about that, Chief.
- Now, Max, - something is missing from this map.
- California! This is the way the United States will look if KAOS succeeds in getting the third part of that formula into the country.
- I don't understand, Chief.
- With that formula completed, KAOS will be able to make the most powerful explosive known to man.
Well, I still don't understand, Chief.
Are you saying that KAOS wants to blow California off the map? - Exactly.
- But why California? Because some of our biggest missile bases are located in California.
And some of our best television shows come from there too, 99.
California is expecting an earthquake.
Now this is a perfect alibi for KAOS.
They blow California into the ocean, and everybody will blame it on the earthquake.
- But Chief, if that were to happen-- - That's right.
- It would be a disaster! - And some disaster.
Just think, Ronald Reagan will have to go back to making movies again.
That's not the disaster I was talking about, Max.
Oh no? Think about it.
( phone buzzing ) I'm sorry, that's my new secret phone.
I'm the only one who is supposed to know where that phone is hidden in this office.
That's okay, Chief.
We'll wait in the outer office.
Come on, 99.
- Good afternoon, sir.
- Hi, Chief.
This is Larrabee.
Larrabee, how'd you get the number of my secret phone?! - I looked it up in the phone book.
- It's in the phone book?! It's listed in the classified pages under "Secrets.
" I just found the cab driver who picked up Little Louie Dunlap at the pier.
Great work, Larrabee.
Get him in here immediately.
Well, first we'll have to capture him.
Not Dunlap, the cab driver! Oh, I can't.
He refuses to come now.
He's on duty.
Then we'll go down there.
Where is he? He's parked at a cab stand at 4th and Fulton.
That won't be necessary.
We're not going anyplace.
- We're just gonna talk.
- I know that, but anytime anybody gets into the cab, I'm supposed to throw the meter on.
How do you determine how much to charge people who just talk? Well, it's 35¢ for the first three sentences, and 10¢ a word thereafter.
You picked up a little blonde girl carrying a doll at the airport yesterday, didn't you? Yeah.
She was with a tall man-- Hey! Look where you're going! --with a beard.
I remember them well.
- Where'd you drop them off? - Uh, let's see.
at a place called-- Come on! Come on! I haven't got all day! --"Miss Valerie's School for Expectant Fathers.
" All right! The same to you! Listen, I hope I'm not out of line, but seeing as we're standing still, why do you keep yelling at the other cars? - Force of habit.
- You've been very helpful.
Thank you.
Max, pay the man.
That'll be $3.
40.
- $3.
40?! - Yeah.
Chief, we should've walked and talked.
Listen, fella.
I know you may not realize this, but the information that you just gave us could be of vital importance to this country.
- You're kidding.
- No, I'm not kidding.
Now I'm not supposed to tell you this, but we happen to be secret agents.
And what you have just told us could mean that millions of your fellow Americans can continue to live in a country that is the home of the brave and the land of the free.
You mean what I just told you guys - is gonna help my country? - That's right.
Gee, that makes a guy feel kinda good all over.
- Well, it should.
- Okay, make it $3 even.
Woman: All right, gentlemen.
So much for the care of the infant in cases of colic.
Now, for the benefit of our two new students, Mr.
Clark and Mr.
Smart, shall we go over the procedure-- the correct procedure-- for bathing the baby? Now as you remember, the first thing that we must do is test the temperature by dipping our elbow into the water.
If you would do that, please.
Max, you're supposed to roll up your sleeve.
Oh.
It's okay, Chief.
It's drip-dry.
Now holding the baby thusly-- can you all see? We place the baby gently in the bassinet - and proceed to bathe it.
- Well, what do you think? I don't know, Max.
All the rest of the students look okay to me, but I don't know about Miss Valerie.
Are you kidding? She looks a lot better to me than the students.
Max, if what the cab driver told us was true, The second part of that formula must be here somewhere.
- Yeah, but where? - Shh.
Here she comes.
- Mr.
Smart, how are you doing? - Oh, fine.
Fine, thank you.
Uh, do you know the difference between the head and the feet? Hmm? Oh, sure.
These are the feet and the head is down there somewhere.
I think you'll find that if you keep the head above water, - your baby will be much happier.
- Thank you.
Now, gentlemen, if you'll please dress your babies.
- ( phone ringing ) - Uh, would you excuse me a moment? - Hello? - Valerie? Mondo.
Carney is here with the third part of the formula.
I can't tell you how happy this makes me.
Are you at the airport? No, we're in a phone booth down the street from your place.
Give me just a moment to clear the classroom.
It could be in that supply room, Max.
It's the only door in the room that's locked.
Of course, Chief.
It's gotta be the supply room.
We'll have to come up with some clever way - of taking a look in that room.
- Let me handle that, Chief.
- Uh, Miss Valerie? - Yes? Could I take a look in the supply room? Of course not.
I keep my personal things in there.
That's why it's locked.
I'll have to think of another clever way, Chief.
- Don't bother.
- Valerie: I'm terribly sorry, students, but an emergency has arisen.
I'm afraid I'll have to cut the class short.
But I want all of you to take your dolls home with you and practice bathing them.
And don't forget to bring them back next week.
Good night.
Good night.
See you next week.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night, Mr.
Clark.
Shut the door, Mondo.
Now at long last we can put the entire formula together.
All right, Mondo.
Pull the string on the first doll.
Doll: My name is Mary Lou.
Man's voice: Two parts hydrogen dexochloride.
All right.
Now the second doll.
Doll: My name is Mary Lou.
Man's voice: One part laudanum solution.
And now for the third and final part.
Doll: My name is Mary Lou.
I hate fresh boys.
I have a little doggy.
What is this? Doll: My name is Mary Lou.
- Doublecross us? - Wait, wait.
When Carney collided with that new student, Smart, they dropped the dolls.
Smart must've given him back the wrong doll by mistake.
Yes, we've got to get that doll back before he discovers the secret.
- Do you know where he lives? - Yes, I have his address in my files.
Mondo, you must go there immediately and get the doll back.
Don't worry.
I'll get that doll back one way or the other.
( knocking ) - Who is it? - Max: It's me, honey.
- What's the password? - I lost my wallet.
- That's not the password.
- I know, but I had the password written on a piece of paper in my wallet.
That's Max.
- Hello, Max.
I'm so glad you're home.
- Hi, 99.
What are you doing with that doll? Oh, this is one of the dolls from Miss Valerie's School.
She let me take it home tonight to play with it-- - uh, practice with it.
- It's adorable.
Look, it's the talking kind.
Doll: My name is Mary Lou.
Did you find anything today? Yes, well, I did find out one thing, 99-- I found out that it's better if you roll your sleeve up before you dip your elbow in the water.
No, I mean about the formula.
Well, the baby's formula, that doesn't come up for three weeks.
No, Max.
The formula for the explosive.
The Chief and I didn't get a chance to get around to that, 99.
- but we're going back later tonight.
- Aww.
You must be exhausted.
Let me draw you a bath.
- Okay.
- ( knocking ) Be quiet.
- Do you think it might be KAOS? - Either that or your mother.
- Max! - You go ahead and draw my bath, - I'll take care of the door.
- Right.
Yes? I'm sorry to interrupt you at this hour, but my car broke down.
May I use your phone? Oh, certainly.
It's right over there on the desk-- - uh, the desk.
- Thank you.
Uh, if you need anything, I'll be upstairs-- - uh, upstairs.
- Thank you.
Your bath will be ready in a minute, love.
- Who was at the door? - Some guy's car broke down - and he asked to use the phone.
- Oh.
Max, why would he come all the way up here? Why wouldn't he just try one of the apartments on the first floor? I don't know.
Maybe there was nobody home.
On the whole first floor? What about the pay phone in the lobby? - He could've used that.
- Well, maybe he didn't have any change.
I don't like it.
I don't think he ought to be down there by himself.
always so suspicious? Some poor guy comes along, his car breaks down, he sees the light shining in our window, so he comes upstairs and asks us if he can please use our phone, and right away you think something wrong is happening.
I don't know, Max.
I just don't feel right about it.
Okay, 99.
If it'll make you feel any better, I'll go down and wait until he finishes the phone call.
Hey! What's going on here? All right, where is it? I told you, It's right there on top of the desk.
Max, why are you-- what happened? Nothing, 99.
He just couldn't find the telephone.
I told him it was right here on top of the desk.
I want the doll.
Hey, wait a minute, fella.
That happens to be my wife.
I don't want her.
I want the doll you brought home from Miss Valerie's school.
Oh, that doll.
Yes.
And I want it now.
- He wants it now.
- Well, we'd better give it to him, Max.
It's only a doll, after all.
It's in the bedroom.
I'll get it.
She'd better get it, because if she doesn't get it, you get it.
Got it? - Got it.
- All right, move over there.
Fast, fast, fast.
Come, come, come, come.
Hurry.
All right.
Now throw me the doll.
- Don't do anything foolish.
- Now you tell me? I'm leaving now.
Don't try to follow me.
Okay, 99, that is it.
- We're getting out.
- What do you mean, Max? When it comes to the point that a man can come to your apartment in the middle of the night, take out a gun and take away your doll, that's when it's time to get out of the neighborhood.
Max, when Little Louie Dunlap smuggled the second part of the formula past you at customs, wasn't he carrying a doll? You're right, 99.
And that doll looked exactly like that doll.
But that must be how they're smuggling in the formula-- - in dolls! - Of course.
And Miss Valerie's place is the drop-off.
I'm going back down there.
You tell the Chief to meet me there as quickly as he can.
Mondo: There is no possible way anyone can connect us together.
Valerie: That's good.
We must get to the airport in 45 minutes and catch that flight, whatever happens.
( Mondo whispering ) I wouldn't worry.
Of course we can be there.
This was a brilliant plan, smuggling the secrets in dolls.
( door thuds ) ( thuds ) How nice of you to drop in, Mr.
Smart.
You said you wanted to see what was in this room.
Well, not really.
I could-- Of course.
The old secret-supply-room- in-the-supply-room trick.
- Carney, tie him up.
- There's no time for that.
Our plane leaves for Los Angeles in 20 minutes.
Get the dolls with the formula.
Now, Mr.
Smart, I'm going to give you a sporting chance.
There are six dolls in this room.
As you already know each one has a string hanging from its back.
The string on one of those dolls is going to open the door to this room.
I see.
Then it's just a question of how much time it takes me to find the doll with the right string to get out of this room.
Correct.
However, one of the dolls in this room contains a bomb.
So if you pull that doll's string, this room will be blown to bits.
Hmm, sort of a Russian roulette with dolls.
Yes.
Just a moment.
Supposing that I don't pull the string on any of the dolls? Supposing I just wait here until somebody comes and finds me? Unfortunately, my dear Mr.
Smart, there's only enough air left in this room to last 30 minutes.
Oh yeah? Well, supposing I hold my breath? Doll: My name is Mary Lou.
You don't know how happy I am to hear that.
( gunshot ) - Max? - There's nobody here.
- Wait a minute, the supply room.
- What's in there, Chief? I don't know, 99, but I'm going to find out.
Max, are you in there? My name is Mary Lou.
Stand back, 99.
There's nothing in here except those baby things on the shelf.
Why would they keep things like this under lock and key? Maybe there's something behind them.
Max! Thank heavens you're all right! Of course I'm all right.
Chief, you got here just in time.
- Where are they headed? - They're on their way to the airport.
They're leaving for Los Angeles in five minutes.
Larrabee's stationed there.
I'll call and have him stop them! I can tell you exactly what they look like.
Man over P.
A.
: Flight 407 for Los Angeles now boarding.
Hold it.
I'm a government agent.
- I want to see some identification.
- What seems to be the trouble? Just checking their identification.
You three better get going.
Your flight leaves in less than five minutes.
Thank you very much.
But didn't it strike you funny that the pilot, the copilot and a stewardess were all carrying dolls?! Now that you mention it, that is strange.
to beat that plane to Los Angeles.
Larrabee, how can you be so stupid? Come on, Max! Man over PA: Flight 407 now arriving from Washington.
Well, gentlemen, I suggest that we split up and rendezvous at Location Z.
That won't be necessary.
We'll take those dolls now.
Run for it.
I'll take that, Miss Valerie.
Just tell me one thing, Mr.
Smart-- how did you manage to beat us to Los Angeles? Well, it was really quite simple.
While you were stacked up circling over Los Angeles, we were barreling along at 70 miles an hour by train.
( theme music playing )