Gilmore Girls s05e03 Episode Script

Shaken, not stirred, please, Jeeves.
- His name is Robert.
|- I thought every butler's name was Jeeves.
He's not a butler.
He's a valet.
- So he parks your car?|- No, he does not park my car.
- He does exactly what you see him doing.
|- So he's a bartender.
- He attends to my needs.
|- So he's a geisha.
You'll be quieter once|you have a drink, I assume.
So, young lady you're starting your second|year of Yale this week.
Yeah.
I move into Branford on Monday.
You're going to love Branford College.
|That's where I lived, you know.
I know.
It's the oldest of Yale's|residential colleges.
They have these carillon bells|that are enchanting and it has, what was called|by Robert Frost the most beautiful college courtyard|in America.
I'll tell you what, Grandpa.
|I'll get settled in - and then we can have lunch there.
|- Now, that's a deal.
You wanted me to remind you that you were going to bring out|the Hungarian cheese, sir.
Yes, I did.
I'll be right back.
- This is crazy.
|- It depends on your definition of "crazy.
" I, for one, found the Mariah Carey|phone messages to her fans just refreshingly imaginative.
We're having drinks in the pool house.
The last time I was in the pool house|was the last time I was in the pool.
- I know, I pushed you in.
|- So, grandpa's actually living out here? - Looks like.
|- Do you think he's happy? I do.
I think he's very happy out here with|his books and his special friend Robert.
Don't be gross.
What? I'm just saying,|two grown men out here alone with Hungarian cheese and swim trunks - Oh, jeez.
|- Don't be so puritanical.
- After all, Heather has two mommies.
|- All right, we have cheese, we have drinks.
- Do you each have a coaster?|- Kierkegaard.
- Schopenhauer.
|- Excellent.
- Yes?|- Dinner is served in the main house.
I will tell Mr.
Gilmore.
- Dinner is served in the main house.
|- Oh, we haven't finished our drinks yet.
- But the Madam is ready now.
|- Well, ladies, it's been a lovely evening.
- Until next week.
|- Hold on, Dad.
Thank you, Grandpa.
- Yeah, thanks for the cheese, Dad.
|- Bye.
Soup in 100-degree weather.
Cool.
- I have the air-conditioning on, Lorelai.
|- I like it, Grandma.
- My God, the sucking up.
|- Stop it.
Thank you.
It's fennel-potato puree,|with a touch of chili to give it spice.
I thought we could go more exotic|now that it's just us girls.
If you really want an exotic|girls' night out, Mom, let's hit Baja.
- So, Rory, tell me, what's new?|- Different room, same reaction.
- Nothing much.
|- Really? What was new 20 minutes ago? Excuse me? What did you talk about|with your grandfather? Well- I mean, just because he gets|you first in the evening doesn't mean you get to waste|all the good stories on him.
So, you just tell me|everything you told him exactly as you told him, leave nothing out.
Okay.
I'm moving into|Branford College on Monday.
Robert Frost said that Branford has the most beautiful college courtyard|in America.
You don't say? - You knew that?|- No.
- He told you that?|- No.
You've already discussed|everything there is to discuss.
- You're all talked out.
|- We're not all talked out, Mom.
He gets you first, talks you out,|and I get two exhausted, empty shells.
What do you think you're doing? I needed to get something|out of my study.
You are supposed to stay|in the pool house.
- That is what we agreed on.
|- I am in the pool house.
- Really? Right now?|- No, not right now.
- I told you I had to get something.
|- You should have made an appointment.
- To go into my own study?|- You don't live here anymore, Richard.
What if I was sitting in|the living room, stark naked? You've never been in the living room,|stark naked.
You've never been stark naked.
We went skinny-dipping one night,|and you wore an overcoat.
The water was freezing! - Crazy.
|- You said it, Patsy Cline.
Okay, but think about it.
|Why do we need the word "potty"? Is it really that much harder|for a kid to learn the word "bathroom"? I don't know.
"Timmy, do you have to go potty?" Or "Timmy, do you have to go|to the bathroom?" - See? Interchangeable.
|- Not exactly interchangeable.
- How are they not interchangeable?|- To go potty is an action.
To go to the bathroom|is to go into a specific place.
- I hate the word "potty.
"|- What did you teach me to say? - "Bathroom.
"|- You did? I'm two, and I say,|"Mommy, Mommy I have to go to the"- The room where legends die.
- What can I get you?|- A foster home.
You'll thank me one day.
Hi.
- I'm working.
|- Come on.
This is the beginning of a relationship.
|You're supposed to act stupid.
I'll do the chicken dance|on my lunch break.
- Heading back to school?|- Yeah, sophomore year.
Anything you want, on the house.
I can't believe you won't flirt with me|in front of Rory.
She'll think there's|something wrong with me.
Please.
I got that confirmation letter|a long time ago.
Scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese|and half bacon, half sausage.
- I'll have the same, and put it on her tab.
|- You get your own tab.
Thank God you don't have a Latin accent,|or you'd be completely irresistible.
Coffee will be ready in a minute.
Be back in a second.
- You gestured?|- Those jeans are really working for you.
- Yeah?|- They're working for me, too.
- You're flirting with me.
|- Something like that.
- Finally.
Do it some more.
|- Your shoes work well with that shirt.
- Gee, Carson, thanks.
|- That's all I can do right now.
- People are watching.
|- Okay.
But tonight I will give you|my extremely positive views - on other aspects of your being.
|- Tonight? - Are you free?|- Yeah, I'm free.
- Good.
7:30.
|- What are we gonna do? I've got some thoughts.
No taking me to an art museum|after hours and then to an empty Hollywood Bowl where you give me a pair|of diamond earrings you bought with your college money when all the time you're really|in love with your best friend the drummer, who's posing as|our driver for the evening.
- Okay, I'll think of something else.
|- So, what do we say? To people, to the town.
|Do we tell them we're dating? - I don't know.
Do we?|- I don't know.
- I guess we could keep it quiet for a while.
|- We could if that's what you want.
- No, that's not what I want.
|- Why don't we just play it by ear? - People will know when they know.
|- Sounds good.
- Okay, so, 7:30?|-7:30.
- You gonna watch me walk away?|- Yeah.
I'll add a little jaunt to it for you.
What was that all about? We were just talking about|our date for tonight.
A real date? Finally!|What are you gonna wear? - Glass slippers, a backwards baseball cap-|- And nothing else.
- I'm very excited.
|- Me, too.
- Hey, have you talked to-|- No.
Do you think you're going to before you - Oh, food.
Thank God.
|- Hot plates.
See? He called me "hot plates.
"|He so likes me.
The mail must be here.
|The Farthingtons' dogs are apoplectic.
Ridiculous choice of animal.
A vicious three-inch ball of hair|and a bow a ridiculous pink bow,|for the vicious killers.
"Oh, watch out! "Cecil Beaton and the Duke of Windsor|are headed straight for my shoes! " Thank you.
I'd like some coffee|when you get a chance.
Did we ever hear back from Mr.
Gilmore|about the Heart Association luncheon? - I told his valet about it.
|- And what a help that was.
Call his valet back and tell him I need a meeting|with Mr.
Gilmore this afternoon.
- Yes, Mrs.
Gilmore.
|- Thank you.
Oh, shut up! Careful.
If you stain that, my grandmother|will hunt you down and kill you.
I wish that I was kidding.
I'll get the door.
- Rory!|- Marty, hi! It's nice to see you! - So, are you living here?|- I'm living here.
That's great.
So am I.
|Sorry.
I have to let these guys in.
- So, how was your summer?|- I met Nicole Richie and then spent the next|six weeks showering.
It should be open.
- Door's locked.
|- Really? Sorry.
I thought that Paris would be here already.
Nice room.
I can't believe I beat Paris here.
I mean, normally, she would want|to get dibs on the best room first and set up the furniture|exactly the way she wants it.
- Maybe she's just late.
|- Paris is never late.
- Paris, hey, it's Rory.
|- Rory.
Hello.
I'm in our room and I was just wondering|how I could have beat you here.
- I'll be there later.
|- Are you okay? You sound funny.
- Asher's dead.
|- What? He died.
Two weeks ago.
In Oxford.
Paris, I'm sorry.
How? Heart attack.
It was quick.
- Heart attack?|- Yes.
It wasn't during was it? No, Rory.
This great man was not brought|down by my vagina, okay? Okay.
Sorry.
I just That's terrible.
He was teaching a Shakespeare class.
A Midsummer Night's Dream.
He was doing Puck,|and then suddenly he wasn't.
Oh, man! And the class was so into his reading,|they didn't even get it.
They thought he was acting.
|It was Dick Shawn all over again.
Where are you? I'm in his flat, trying to get|his effects squared away and, of course, his family is|acting like spoiled children.
All they care about is what they get.
|If I have to moderate one more argument|about the Chippendale desk I'm going to freak out.
And the lawyer handling his affairs|is a moron and don't even get me started|on the funeral.
He wanted to be cremated but if you'd seen how filthy|that crematorium was So I shipped him to Cambridge which apparently is known for|its cremation facilities.
That was a transportation nightmare and, of course, his daughter|was upset with the move - but where was she at Thanksgiving, huh?|- Is there anything I can do to help? No.
Thanks.
- I'm sad.
|- I know.
- Bye.
|- Bye.
Asher Fleming died.
- In bed?|- No.
Damn.
I lost the pool.
Are you sure? Jerry found her birth certificate|stashed in her bathroom.
I am not surprised.
She knew way too much about|sushi to be from Kentucky.
- Hi, ladies.
What's the dirt today?|- Jerry Cutler's new wife, Annabel.
That name alone Turns out the 24-year-old|former Miss Magnolia Blossom had a little secret.
- What?|- Her birthday! Seems that 24 is actually code for 36.
No! Yep.
Jerry, the moron,|wound up with a tramp who's actually a year older than|the wife he dumped her for.
- You got to love the karma.
|- How's Jerry taking it? He's getting his eyeglass|prescription checked.
- CNN's got nothing on you gals.
See you.
|- See you later, sugar.
So, you heard that Marilyn Horne|is actually a man? I'm not surprised.
I sent the check off|to the landscaper a week ago.
He claims he hasn't received it.
- Well, he's lying.
|- Shall I tell him that? I will stop payment on the check|and issue another one.
Fine.
There's the issue of|the Gregorys' cocktail party on the fourth.
Even though they did miss|our Christmas party last year you are currently involved|in a business deal with Hamilton so one of us should probably attend.
- Jancy will definitely want you to be there.
|- Fine.
I'll go.
- No, that's all right.
I should go.
|- Fine.
Then you'll go.
Though I had to go to the|Newmans' zoo auction last week.
- Fine.
Then I'll go.
|- No, it's my business.
I'll go.
- Fine.
|- Unless you would like to go.
- Moving on to the subject of your car|- Excuse me? You parked the Cadillac in the driveway|when you worked on it this weekend and it leaked oil all over the place.
It's a tiny stain, Emily.
It's a large stain, and I see it every day|when I walk in and out of the door.
Really? You can see the driveway|with your nose way up in the air like that? I apologize.
That was uncalled for.
I think you should restrict|your cars to their garages at all times.
I will park my cars anywhere I like.
You never used to leave your|cars in the driveway before.
- I park there when I work on them.
|- Work on them somewhere else.
- Like where?|- What about the filling station? - It's already filthy there.
|- Are you seriously suggesting that I drive a priceless antique car|12 blocks away park it next to a broken-down Chevy,|and do my restoring there? Yes.
So this is the way it's going to be|from now on.
- I suppose it is.
|- A filling station will be fine.
Thank you.
I suppose we should discuss|the insurance papers.
I suppose we should.
I mean, I always thought I looked|a lot like my uncle Jerry and, gee, Mom seemed to really like him.
I cannot believe this.
After all this time,|your mother tells you now.
- I swear my dad looked relieved.
|- He did not.
I heard him say, "Phew! " That is amazing.
So, what did you do over the summer? We so should have started with me.
Sorry.
- No, seriously, you couldn't see me there?|- Not everyone's staring at you, Colin.
I know you.
Haven't I seen you|in a uniform of some sort? Maytag repairman.
I've bartended for you.
For your parties.
That's right, you have.
|You're a talented man.
- He makes a kick-ass margarita.
|- Thanks.
It's good to see you again.
|What's your name? Marty.
This is Rory.
Hi.
So, assuming your services|are still for hire this year your financial situation|hasn't changed at all? - Nope.
|- Good.
Okay.
I'll give you a call.
Where are you living? - Branford.
|- Excellent.
Branford.
All right.
Excellent shirt, really.
|I can see what you see in him.
- Don't be an ass, Colin.
|- Me? Never.
I'm a friend to all people,|large and very, very small.
- I kind of hate those guys.
|- Really? I can't see why.
I moved some things around.
|I also switched our rooms.
Now, mine may seem bigger,|but yours gets less sun so you don't have to worry|about melanoma.
- Hey.
|- What? - I'm sorry.
|- Thanks.
- So, how are you holding up?|- I'm fine.
I'm actually relieved to be anywhere that people aren't arguing over|the first-edition Faulkners.
His granddaughter, Sarah, is the worst.
If she thought the casket|was worth anything she would have stuffed it in her purse.
Paris, you don't have to take care|of all this.
It's not up to you.
I know.
It's just, I want his memory|to be respected.
It will be.
I still can't believe he's gone.
- He left me his manuscripts.
|- Wow! Yeah.
If Sarah finds out it's going to be|the Mountain Girl trial all over again.
Listen, I want to have a wake.
- A what?|- A wake in Asher's honor, here.
We'll give others the chance|to pay their respects to say goodbye.
People are going to want this closure.
|I just think it's the right thing to do.
- Sure.
|- Thank you.
Hello? Larry.
Larry, no.
I'm sorry, did you take the bar|or just hang out in one? - Hey.
|- Hey.
- I was-|- No, I was just coming to- Pick you up.
Was I not supposed to? No, I figured I'd meet you at the diner.
- I guess we should have discussed.
|- No.
I should have assumed - We usually-|- But this is a date so the guy usually does,|in the truck, and so- - I'm sorry.
|- No, I'm sorry.
- I could go back inside.
|- No, this is fine.
- You're out now, so|- We should go.
You don't have to get the Okay.
There you go.
- We'll get better at this.
|- Yeah.
- Wow, very Prancing Pony.
|- This way, please.
- Your table, miss.
|- Why, thank you, sir.
- "Reserved.
"|- I told you I'd planned the evening.
Weren't we supposed to let|someone who works here seat us? - Not necessary.
|- Is this like a Mafia thing? The whole coming in,|special table, "reserved" sign We gonna have to whack|someone before the soup course? No, I've filled my whacking|quota for the week.
- Dirty?|- Extremely.
- Thought so.
|- Lucas! How you doing, Maisy? - What, you just seat yourself now?|- I told him.
We run a nice place here, Lucas,|not like that hash joint of yours.
And this must be your young lady.
|Hello, there.
I'm Maisy.
- Hi.
I'm Lorelai.
I love your place.
|- It used to be a whorehouse.
- Oh, my.
|- I like that it's got a tarty history.
- The best places do.
|- And the best people.
The best people.
I like that.
|Buddy! Will you sit down? - You pulled me up.
|- Buddy, this is Lorelai.
- Lorelai.
Hello, Lorelai.
|- Hello, Buddy.
This is very exciting for us|because Lucas never brings his girls here.
Lori, some sparkling water|and champagne.
- And a beer.
|- You're on a date, you drink champagne.
- You're at a ball game, you drink beer.
|- My goodness, what a big menu.
Don't bother looking, whatever you order,|they'll bring you something different.
Hey, what about the Yeah, good.
With garlic and- No, no, no.
No garlic.
|I mean, give the boy a chance.
Lorelai, nice to meet you.
And he's a special one, this guy.
That's the word on the street.
They know you.
Actually, I come here|two, three times a week.
Breakfast, dinner,|whenever I have the time.
- Oh my God, Luke has a Luke's.
|- I've known Maisy and Bud my whole life.
- Maisy went to school with my mother.
|- Really? Yeah, and then later on|when my dad died and I wanted to turn the|hardware store into a diner - Buddy really helped me out.
|- That's so nice.
He's a good guy.
He really showed me how to run a|restaurant, how to order, everything.
I mean, I couldn't have|done it without him.
- I love this place.
|- It's a great place.
Very old.
How long have they owned it? Actually, the story of that|is on the back of the menu.
Cool.
Look, "Sniffy's Tavern: A story of love.
"|A story of love.
"Maisy Fortner and Bertram Buddy Linds "met at a high-school basketball game.
|She was playing, he was not.
"They fell in love, got married.
"Buddy went to work at a dairy|and Maisy worked at the school "but they dreamed to someday|own a restaurant "so that all of their friends|and family could come "and eat and visit and laugh|with them every single day.
" Buddy hated working at that dairy.
"One day Sniffy, their beloved dog,|ran away.
"Maisy and Buddy|searched high and low for him.
"Finally they stumbled past|a dilapidated old tavern "that had been boarded-up for years.
"They heard a dog howling.
"They forced open the door,|and there was Sniffy "stuck underneath a fallen beam.
"Maisy and Buddy pulled Sniffy free "and rushed him to the vet "where he immediately went|into emergency surgery.
" Oh my God.
|Did Paul Thomas Anderson write this? - Edit, people.
|- You don't have to read the whole thing.
- There's not gonna be a quiz.
|- I'm almost done.
"Four hours later, Sniffy was dead.
" Sniffy was dead? Are you serious?|Where's the happy ending? That's what happened.
People don't read the back of the menu|to find out what really happened.
They read the back of the menu|to be happy, to be uplifted.
That's why.
Not that many people|read the back of the menu.
Did you know about|the whole Sniffy thing? If it makes you feel better,|Sniffy was 150,000 years old.
You're lying.
Thank you.
- Here's to you.
|- I'll drink to that.
Yep, I definitely hate champagne.
- This is nice.
|- Good.
- Do you remember the first time we met?|- What? I'm just trying to remember|the first time we met.
- It must have been at Luke's, right?|- It was at Luke's, it was at lunch it was a very busy day,|the place was packed and this person- Is it me? Is it me? This person comes tearing into the place|in a caffeine frenzy.
Oh, it's me.
I was with a customer.
She interrupts me,|wild-eyed, begging for coffee.
So I tell her to wait her turn.
Then she starts following me around talking a mile a minute,|saying God-knows-what.
So finally I turn to her and I tell her she's being annoying.
Sit down, shut up,|I'll get to her when I get to her.
You know, I bet she took that very well,|'cause she sounds just delightful.
She asked me what my birthday was.
I wouldn't tell her.
|She wouldn't stop talking.
I gave in.
I told her my birthday.
Then she opened up the newspaper|to the horoscope page wrote something down,|tore it out, handed it to me.
God, seriously,|you wrote the menu, didn't you? So, I'm looking at this piece of paper in my|hand and under "Scorpio" she'd written,|"You will meet an annoying woman today.
"Give her coffee and she'll go away.
" - I gave her coffee.
|- But she didn't go away.
She told me to hold on|to that horoscope put it in my wallet,|and carry it around with me one day it would bring me luck.
Man, I will say anything for a cup of coffee.
I can't believe you kept this.
You kept this in your wallet? - You kept this in your wallet.
|- Eight years.
Eight years.
Lorelai, this thing we're doing here,|me, you I just want you to know I'm in.
I am all in.
Does that Are you scared? I can't believe you kept that horoscope.
You're just lucky|I never clean out my wallet.
You can't take it back now.
You've exposed yourself.
|You've been pining for me.
- I have not been pining.
|- I'm your Ava Gardner.
God help me.
Okay.
Let's get something|out of the way right now.
What? What are you doing? Tell me what CDs to get|so I don't have to hear about it.
Seriously? And skip any '80s groups|where the guys dressed up like pirates.
I draw the line at pirates.
This has been a really great first date.
It only took us eight years to get here.
Okay.
So, U2, right? Yeah, Bono is a must, and Blondie and Sparks especially the new one, plus Bowie.
Okay, I know he dressed up like a pirate.
- Spaceman.
|- Spaceman I can deal with.
Sorry.
I forgot to turn the alarm off.
Bad alarm.
Bad, bad alarm.
- What time is it?|- Early.
Hate early.
Must kill early.
I gotta get up.
Why? Work.
Inn.
Buy shoes.
My God, I can't move.
I need coffee.
I don't have coffee up here.
|It's all downstairs.
Downstairs.
Where are you going? - Well, I think people are gonna know.
|- What? What are you talking about? - Why are you wearing my shirt?|- I put it on to go get coffee.
- Downstairs?|- Well, you don't keep it upstairs.
- The diner's open.
|- You're kidding! You walked into the diner like that? I didn't think the diner|could open without you.
- I had Caesar open.
|- He did, with a floor show.
Okay, so, maybe nobody noticed.
- Look at me!|- Okay, yes.
- But you wear crazy outfits all the time.
|- They usually include pants.
Okay, so they know.
So what? I mean, they're gonna find out|eventually, right? Right.
- So, we'll hear about it for a few days.
|- Few weeks.
Six months of hearing about it,|but then it'll die down.
We'll be used to it.
And everything will get back to normal.
|So, okay, they know.
- It's out.
|- It's out.
Where's your coffee? I'm getting your coffee.
I need more candles.
Check my trunk.
|I think my mom put some in there.
That's a lot of books you got there.
The very fact that the bookstore|had any in stock shows the sad nature|of American reading habits.
- Do you need some help with those?|- I got this, but Here, you can put these up.
You made flyers.
Anyone who wants to pay|tribute to this great man - deserves the opportunity.
|- I'm on it.
Okay, Finn, last building.
|Please say it looks familiar.
- Apparently it doesn't look familiar.
|- No, hold on.
Hold on.
Yes.
Here.
This is where she lives.
- Excuse me.
Can I help you?|- No, thanks.
Don't put your number.
|Don't put your number! I'm not putting my number,|I'm putting your number.
That's my room.
Okay, put my number.
- Are you sure this is your room?|- I'm sure.
- I could have sworn it was her room.
|- What's her name? Maybe I know her.
- It was short.
|- I can understand your disappointment losing a potential soul mate|like that, but that is my room.
I'm sorry about the mix-up.
|My friend here, he means no harm.
He just has to learn that|Guinness and blondes don't mix.
Redheads.
We sincerely apologize and we will now leave you|to finish putting up your poster of this really old guy.
- Professor Asher Fleming.
|- What, they were out of Orlando Bloom? Professor Fleming died last week.
|We're throwing him a wake.
- Okay, so were you and Fleming-|- No! Sorry.
Just, you're putting|a poster of him up in your hallway.
You can see why I get the impression|he's a little bit more than a teacher.
Well, he was more than a teacher.
He was a great writer and an inspiration|and many other things that you couldn't possibly understand.
You don't like me.
|You don't know me, but you don't like me.
I know you.
- You do?|- We met yesterday.
- With Marty.
|- Marty? Marty, my friend Marty.
|He bartended for you- Yes, Marty.
I'm sorry.
It slipped my mind.
Of course, I met you yesterday with Marty.
|Nice to see you again Rory! Nice to see you again, Rory.
|You're looking well.
Angry works for you.
I'm not angry, I'm just irritated.
- By me.
|- Yes.
Because I forgot for a moment|who you were? No, because you speak to people|as if they're below you.
- People?|- Marty.
Your friend Marty? Yes, you talked to him like he was dirt,|and that's why I'm looking at you like this.
Sorry.
What did I say that was so bad? I said hello, and I think I said he made|a kick-ass margarita.
It's not what you said, it's how you said it.
- And how'd I say it?|- Like Judi Dench.
Just because somebody|doesn't have money or a fancy family|doesn't mean they're inferior to you.
I agree.
Just because somebody is a bartender|at a party for you and your friends that doesn't mean that you can|talk to them like a servant.
Well What? I hired him, I paid him, he served.
|That's what a servant does.
- Are you serious?|- For the sake of argument.
- He was doing a job.
|- A job he took willingly.
- Some people have to work.
|- And I bet if you ask him he'll tell you he made excellent tips,|'cause my friends enjoy their refill.
- Not the point.
|- To a bartender, tips are the point.
Just because you pay somebody it doesn't|mean that you can speak to them as if they're beneath you.
Actually, the fact|that this is a free country means I can speak to anyone|in any manner which I choose.
However, the rules of a civilized society may frown upon a certain obvious|show of snobbery - so if that's your argument|- I don't have an argument.
I can give you a moment to formulate one|if you want to continue.
- I'm busy!|- You concede.
I don't like it when people hurt my friends.
And you react when goaded.
I am not goaded.
I am so far from goaded.
|Get out your compass and I will show you how far|from goaded I am.
I think we got a serious debater|in our midst.
Logan, I found it.
Tell Marty I said hi and I promise to remember you|instantly next time.
Now, tell me that wasn't fun.
- Master and Commander.
|- The movie? No, that's what I want you|to call me from now on.
I just wanted to smell like him again.
You didn't! You didn't.
- Morning, ladies.
|- Morning, sugar.
Samson and Delilah Sapperstein|got back together.
I'm not surprised.
|Those two belong together.
Well, it's nice that they made up.
That means they're bound to have|one of their fabulous fights very soon which we need|because things are slow around here.
I hear that.
They're lowering the free-parking limit|at the drugstore.
You only get 20 minutes free|with validation instead of 30.
"Times, they are a-changin'.
" So, I'm gonna go.
I gotta get to work.
- Bye, honey.
|- Give Rory a kiss for us.
I will.
Okay.
Did you notice that one side|of Rosella's butt implant deflated? Well, if your doctor accepts a coupon - Nobody knows.
|- What? - I swear.
|- How do you know? I walked by "Hello! Magazine"|this morning they mentioned nothing.
Well, maybe they're just trying to be,|I don't know, respectful about it.
Babbette? Miss Patty? Well, maybe they're trying|not to embarrass you.
Babbette? Miss Patty? Well, maybe I'm out.
Has anyone mentioned it to you? No, but, seriously, who's|gonna mention it to me? Babbette? Miss Patty? No, it's been very quiet.
- They have to know.
|- Maybe they don't care.
Well, that's kind of a bummer.
- Why?|- I don't know.
You at least want them|to have some interest.
Let's just look at it this way: It's out.
We don't have to worry about it.
|We can just go on.
We still on for tonight? Liz Taylor and Richard Burton couldn't go|outside without people noticing.
Well, I'll get drunk, you gain 500 pounds,|and we'll give it another go.
- Pick me up at 7:00?|- Pick you up at 7:00.
Okay, bye.
Madonna Louise! Can I get you some dessert, Mrs.
Gilmore? - No, thank you.
|- Very good, Mrs.
Gilmore.
- And don't run the dishwasher.
It's not full.
|- I won't, Mrs.
Gilmore.
I smelled something funny earlier in the|northeast corner of the kitchen.
- I sprayed for ants this afternoon.
|- Madonna Louise I told you.
You never spray that poison|all over the place.
You simply have to kill the scout ants so they don't go back|and tell the rest of them - where the food is.
|- I know.
You kill the scouts or you use the chalk that we|bought in Chinatown last month.
- Okay, Mrs.
Gilmore.
|- Madonna Louise? - Yes, Mrs.
Gilmore?|- It was a lovely omelet.
Thank you, Mrs.
Gilmore.
- How did I get rooked into this?|- I'm irresistible? Yeah.
Have I mentioned|I hate town meetings? No.
I thought you said|you hate clown bleedings which I totally agree with.
No.
Is tonight raffle night?|I can't deal with raffle night.
No, it's not raffle night.
Look, I promise we won't stay for the|whole thing.
It'll be a stop-by.
We'll just run in and get the headlines|so I have something to tell Rory and then we're off to the movie.
Do not get used to me going|to these town things.
Just because you like them|does not mean that I will ever like them or tolerate them or go to them.
- Other than tonight.
|- Yes, other than tonight.
- And next Thursday.
|- I did not say I would go next Thursday.
What the hell is next Thursday? - Hello?|- Lorelai? Thank God I found you.
- Hi, Mom.
|- The most bizarre thing has happened.
It's 7.
30 at night,|I had just finished my dinner I was about to go upstairs and read,|and I suddenly heard a car.
I ran to the window just in time|to see your father driving away.
He was driving away at 7:30 at night! Lorelai! Was he driving backwards|or with his feet? Where was your father going|at 7:30 at night? - Well, maybe he had a business meeting.
|- At 7.
30 at night? What, has he suddenly|become a bootlegger? Mom, I'm sorry.
|I'm about to go into a thing.
Can we talk about this later? Absolutely.
Far be it for me to intrude|on whatever vague event you're going to.
Great! Thanks, Mom.
Bye.
Your fault.
- How was that my fault?|- Because you preoccupied me with all your yammering|about the meeting so I wasn't thinking and I didn't check to see who|was calling before I answered.
Boy, it's nice to finally|have someone to blame.
- And then I looked, backed up-|- No.
- I did, too, back up.
|- You backed up.
You didn't look.
You got in, you turned on your car,|and then you whipped out of that space like you were Lizzie Grubman.
Do we have timing or what? - I did not.
|- Andrew, you did, too.
I distinctly remember|looking in my mirror and seeing nothing.
- Except me.
|- I didn't see you.
- Liar.
|- I am not a liar.
Thank you for coming.
|Please feel free to take a book.
- Hey.
|- Hi.
Interesting crowd.
Yeah, most of the people have|no idea they're at a wake.
They think it's some weird theme party.
I've spent the entire evening|trying to get people to stop referring to Asher|as "the old dead dude.
" Does Paris know? - Paris, thank goodness, is Paris.
|- Hi, Marty.
Thank you for coming.
- Please help yourself to a book.
|- The wake seems to be going well.
It is.
I'm very pleased with the turnout.
I mean, I knew he was beloved,|but this is overwhelming.
You know, it's funny but Asher died right at the|height of my passion for him.
I kind of wonder what would have|happened if he had lived.
Would I have stayed in love|with him forever? - I don't know.
|- He died before I could find out.
Now I'll always be in love with him.
He's my Mike Todd.
- We're going to dinner after the movie.
|- I know.
All those who think Andrew|was in the wrong, arms raised.
All those who think that Gypsy|was at fault, arms raised.
The majority rules.
Gypsy is at fault for the fender-bender|outside the Stars Hollow Garden Center and shall be responsible|for all said damages.
We have got to get a courthouse|in this town! All right, let's move on|to the next order of business.
A very serious matter has been|brought to our attention and I would like to bring|to the floor for discussion the possible negative ramifications|of the inn owner and diner owner dating.
- That's us.
|- They're talking about us.
Now, as you all know the relationship we have feared|for some time has emerged and we need to carefully consider|whether or not we can support this.
- Oh, my God.
|- We're sitting right here! Yes, we see you, Luke,|and, as a member of the town you are welcome to voice your opinion.
- Voice my-|- I open the floor up for discussion.
All right.
I'll start.
|Luke's Diner is a staple in this town.
Most of us eat there on a regular basis.
The Dragonfly Inn,|though newer than Luke's Diner has also become very important|in our community.
The commingling of the owners|of these two establishments can only set the stage for disaster.
- What the hell is he talking about?|- He's not happy with our commingling.
Think of the consequences.
What will happen|when the relationship goes sour as, let's face it,|most of Lorelai's relationships do? - Hey.
|- We'll have to choose.
Suddenly you'll either be|a Luke or a Lorelai or, if you're Kirk and you can't make a|decision to save your life, you'll be neither.
He's probably right.
That's bad for the economy,|bad for the town.
I vote against this.
- Are they gonna make us break up?|- I think you're overreacting, Taylor.
People, do I have to remind you|about Fay Wellington and Art Brush - huh, do I?|- Yeah.
Fay owned a flower shop,|and Art owned a candy store and they fell madly in love|about 10 years ago.
Big romance! And, for a while, it all worked|very synergistically.
Flowers and candy seemed|like a perfect match Until Art met Margie.
- The Fudge Queen.
|- That was bad.
The whole town split|right down the middle.
Suddenly, you could buy flowers|or you could buy candy.
- Valentine's Day was a nightmare.
|- Par for the course for me.
Eventually, the hostility|forced Art to move.
Fay never married.
|She stopped making candy.
It was very sad.
And those storefronts|were empty for a year.
No one wanted to be there.
God, this sounds terrible.
|Maybe they have a point.
- No, they don't have a point.
|- Well, what if something happens? This is crazy.
|I don't believe for one minute that the break-up of|Fay Wellington and Art Brush affected the economy of this town one bit.
Lucky for you, I brought charts.
You have charts concerning the romance|of two people who used to live here 10 years ago? We think Fay still lives in the caves|above the Clancys' mill.
We can't prove it, but every so often we hear "Delta Dawn" playing over and over.
- Hello?|- Your father came home at 8.
30.
He went inside the pooI house|for five minutes and he got back in his car,|and he drove away again.
Mom, this is really not a good- He's traipsing all over the place|at all hours of the night.
Where are you? You sound very far away.
- Park Road.
|- Park Road.
Why? I'm not gonna be the one|that sits at home alone in the dark like an Italian widow.
If he can go out,|then I can go out, so I went out.
Well, good for you.
I figured I'd have dinner.
|I already had dinner.
But if Richard's having two dinners,|then I can have two dinners so I went to a place I used to eat at|when I was in college.
And do you know what I found? It's a lube-and-tune with an|X- rated T-shirt store next door.
Mom, this is silly.
|Why don't you just go home? - I'm not gonna be the first one back.
|- How long are you gonna drive around? Until I'm sure your father came home.
|Let him worry about where I was all night.
- Look, I can't talk right now.
|- Well, I'm not done.
- I'll call you later.
|- I could be dead later.
Call one of your friends.
No one knows about the separation|except you and Rory.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I'm in the middle of|something very important.
This is important, too.
|Meet me for a coffee.
Mom, I can't, and Rory just moved in,|and she's at schooI getting settled so if you really can't talk|to one of your friends I'm sorry, but we're gonna|have to finish this later.
Fine.
I think that map's a little off.
Luke would definitely take|the northwest block 'cause it's near the fishing hole.
Okay, that's it.
I've heard enough.
This is my relationship mine, not yours, not yours, not yours.
Yours, but not yours.
Mine and hers but not yours! There's not gonna be any more debating about whether or not it's a good idea|if we're in a relationship 'cause we're in a relationship.
- Show them the horoscope.
|- But in the event of a break-up- - There's not going to be a break-up.
|- Well, isn't he the optimistic fellow? Fine.
In case of a break-up, I'll move.
I'll close up Luke's Diner,|I'll go far, far away and that way you won't have|to choose, okay? - Every section in town can be pink.
|- Can we have your word on that? You can have my word and a couple|middle fingers on that, Taylor.
Get that down.
We have his word.
|And leave out the part about the fingers.
All right, people, it seems that the issue of "Gilmore and Danes v.
Stars Hollow"|has been resolved.
See you all next week when everyone gets fingerprinted|for the government.
Meeting adjourned.
- Wow.
|- Yeah.
- You still in?|- You bet I am.
- Oh, my God.
|- What? What's the matter? - Hello?|- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
For what? - Rory.
|- Grandma.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,|I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Well, what is going on here?|- I have to hang up now.
- Have I mentioned I'm sorry?|- Bye.
Wow, this is a surprise.
I simply had to get out of the house,|and your mother told me you were home so I thought I'd come by and say hello.
Why are there pictures|of Asher Fleming everywhere? This is a wake for Professor Fleming.
|He died.
You'd think your grandfather|could have mentioned that to me, but no.
I bet he'll make me go|to that insufferable man's funeral, though.
- He was cremated.
|- Thank God.
Emily! It means so much to me that you came.
Well, yes.
Asher was very devoted|to his students.
Now, there's no need to cry.
|Yale is full of excellent teachers.
Root beer? Yeah.
Thanks, Marty, for everything.
|You've been such a huge help tonight.
For you, anything.
Hey, Rory? Do you|I mean, how come you don't have a - Do you have a boyfriend?|- What? I'm just curious.
|You don't mention anyone.
There's no one here you seem to be with so I was just wondering|what the deal was.
I don't know.
You Okay.
So, what exactly does that mean,|"I don't know"? - I don't know.
|- Okay.
I mean, 'cause that's usually|the kind of thing you know.
- I know.
|- So you don't know.
Okay.
- Will you excuse me for a minute, Marty?|- Sure.
And then he just takes off|out of nowhere at 7:30 at night.
Thank you, Thomas.
I'll need a napkin.
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