In Living Color (1990) s05e03 Episode Script

- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
[Man.]
And now, once again,it's time for Ike Turner & Hooch.
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starring, Ike Turner.
[Sniffing.]
- [Barking.]
- I done told you to go on the paper! - Tina went on the paper.
I'll be damned if you don't.
- [Barking.]
What? You tryin' to help Ike? What? You tryin' to help Ike? You the one that need the help.
Don't yell at me, bitch.
I'm Ike Turner.
I'll put my foot right up in your.
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[Man.]
And now, for this special report.
- [Clamoring.]
- This is Judy Baskin for Fox News.
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coming to you live from the Rodeo Galleria.
A Los Angeles jury has handed down its verdict in the Reginald Denny case.
The L.
A.
Four has been found innocent of all charges.
The verdict is not sitting well here in Beverly Hills.
As you can see, white people are looting the stores.
- Excuse me, ma'am.
- What? I'm very busy looting.
- Are you doing this in response to the verdict? - You're damn right I am.
I'm frustrated.
I'm angry.
I'm disgusted.
That's why I took this delicious Brie, and this dry, yet delightful French burgundy.
Well, why not take a television set, a stereo, a CD player perhaps? Oh, I have all that stuff already.
Besides, it's all crap.
Now, look, if you're not looting, and you want to purchase some fine merchandise.
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go see my nephew Herb on Beverly Boulevard.
- You go down there, you turn right.
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- Enough said.
Enough said! As you can imagine, it's-it's absolutely frantic here.
I'm getting a little concerned for my safety.
Mall security is nowhere to be seen! You wouldn't believe the things I've seen here today.
Gucci bags overflowing with sushi, pâté.
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and those crackers with little sesame seeds on them.
Oh, my God.
Look at this.
L-I don't believe it! A group of women have pulled the securityguard away from the Café Au Lait Café.
! Can you zoom in on that, Joe? They're beating him with largeSniggler Farms special edition sausages.
O- Or is ita smokehouse sampler? It's difficult to tellfrom my vantage point.
! Oh.
! Oh.
! Th-These thugsshould be stopped.
! Oh, here comes.
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Here comes the manager of the mall right now.
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Former Mayor, Tom Bradley.
Mr.
Bradley, can you tell us what's going on here and what you plan to do about this? As manager of the great Rodeo Galleria, lfind this behavior totally justified.
I, too, was outraged by the verdict.
Are you saying you don't blame these people for what they're doing? No, Judy.
You're putting words in my mouth.
What I mean is, I don't blame these people for what they're doing.
I'd do the same thing myself, if I were in their tax bracket.
Hold on.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
We've just received word that they've broken into.
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the Sporting Good Warehouse.
Sporting Good Warehouse? Excuse me, but I need a new nine-iron.
[Scoffs.]
Well, you can see, it's a mess down here.
Oh, sir! Sir, please, can I talk to you for a moment? - Of course.
- Can I talk to you? I notice you're not looting.
Is this because you realize how irrational it is to-to burn and loot? Uh, no.
Actually, my butler and maid are looting for me.
No, no, Conchita.
The silk, not the rayon.
All right.
Muy bien, yes.
- It's so hard to find a good looter these days.
- Hold on here.
I can't believe it.
What's going on down here? A mob is attempting to turn over the courtesy cart! [Mob Chanting.]
No peace! No peace! No peace! No peace! [Cheering.]
I guess that pretty much sums it up.
Reporting live from the Rodeo Galleria, I'm Judy Baskin.
- Excuse me, but where can I get this gift wrapped? - [Mouthing Words.]
- Cut! I don't know, ma'am.
- The gift wrap.
The gift wrap! Cut! Cut! [Man.]
We now return you toour regularly scheduled program.
See? I was gonna make a star out of you, but you keep messin' up.
Showin'me your mood.
That's all right, 'cause I'm in here.
- [Growling.]
- You can't run away from me.
[Chuckles.]
[Snorting.]
Alice, I'm telling you, this neighborhood has really changed! Will you take a look at this? I bend over to pick up a quarter today, and I get tagged! What do ya expect Ralph?You got a butt like the back of a bus.
Oh, you're rich Alice.
That's really funny.
You are good.
One of these days, Alice.
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One of these days.
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Bang! Zoom! Smack it up! Flip it, and rub it down! Oh, no! Oh, Ralph, step off.
The only thing that smacks around here is your thighs.
Oh! Har-de-har-har, Alice! You're good.
You are beautiful! I know what will cheer you up, Ralph.
Let's go to that new hip-hop club tonight.
I hear Snoop Doggy Dog is doing his farewell performance.
Alice, I told you.
I don't do these new dances very good.
And besides, I'm not in the best shape on earth.
You're right, Ralph.
You're in the shape of the Earth.
You're dissin' me, Alice! You are dissin' me! Aw, never mind.
I'm going upstairs to see ifTrixie will kick it.
Word up, Alice.
You're lookin' very fly today, Alice.
Hey, Ralph.
What's up? Well, it's Alice.
She wants to go hip-hop dancing tonight.
Yeah.
I saw her down at the Palladium last week.
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- dancing.
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with a black guy.
- What? A black guy? I knew it! Norton, I knew it! Alice has got jungle fever.
You know what they say, Ralph.
Once you go black.
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[Chortles.]
Hamana, hamana, hamana, hamana! Norton, you gotta help me! I need your help.
You got to teach me some of these new jack dances! - No problem, Ralph! Chill.
Chill! - All right.
- Now, as you know, Ralph, I am down with the brothers! - Right.
- Okay.
Let's start with the cabbage patch! - All right, the cabbage patch.
[Hip-Hop.]
- All right.
- Gotta warm a little bit, Ralph.
Okay.
All right.
Would you come on? Do the dance! - Okay, Ralph.
Take it easy! - All right.
- Here we go! - Here we go.
Go, Ralphy! Go, Ralphy! It's your birthday! It's your birthday! Go, Ralphy! This is the running man, Ralph.
Just pretend it's last call at the all-you-can-eat buffet! You're livin' large, Ralph! Living large! I'm tellin' you Norton.
One of these days! One of these days! Now, come on.
Help me.
I'm dying here! - All right.
I'm gonna show you one more, Ralph! - All right.
- Now, watch close.
- Okay.
- Can I kick it, Ralph? - Yes, you can! - Can I kick it? - Yes, you can! [Screams.]
Aah! Ohh! Aah! Ohh, aah, ohh, aah, ohh! You are now officially out of this posse! Okay, Ralph.
The next time I see you, I'm gonna bust a cap in your ass! Get outta here! What were you two doing, Ralph? You're covered in sweat! What was I doin'? I'll tell you what I was doin'.
I was movin' pretty good there, Alice.
- Why, I was movin' like Heavy D! - More like Heavy Double D.
One of these days, Alice.
One of these days! Whoomp! There it is! Whoomp! There it is! Ralph, just tell me the truth! All right, Alice.
Norton told me you were dancin' with other guys.
So, I was tryin' to learn to dance, because I was afraid of losin' you.
Ralph, he's one of Madonna's dancers! Why the last woman he dated was RuPaul! I'm sorry, Alice.
I just got jealous.
That's all.
Oh, Ralph.
Of all the homeboys in the hood, you're still the man! Baby, you're the dopest! Thank you very much.
Come again.
- Uh, uh, uh.
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- How can I help you? How can I help you? Uh, how much for a pack of Hubba Bubba? A pack of Hubba Bubba, Fifty cent? Good Lord! Fifty cent? How many gum-gum do I get for that? - Five gum-gum.
- Five gum-gum? Five gum-gum? I guess that's, uh, ten cent a piece, huh? Let me get one.
Okay, here you go.
One pack of Hubba Bubba.
No, no, no.
One gum.
I sure am hungry.
Okay, my friend.
There is no one here.
I guess I can give you one Hubba Bubba.
Thank you very much.
Come again, please.
[Sitar.]
[Stops.]
- How much for a soda? - Seventy-five cents.
Seventy-five cent? Good lord! Fo' sure, I don't know if I can handle that.
Then why don't you get a student loan? - How much for a diet soda? - Diet soda, like I told you, 75 cents.
Seventy-five cent? Now, how they gonna cost the same when one don't got no sugar in it? Well, I guess because this one has the "tingy, tangy" taste of"lime-on.
" How 'bout I give you 68 cent, and you let me suck out all the bubbles? You-You crazy, man.
Get away from me! All right.
All right.
All right.
Cool.
Cool.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
- How much for a newspaper? - Thirty-five cents.
Thirty-five cents! Good Lord! That's a lot of money! How 'bout I give you ten cent, and you give me the good news? The good news is when you leave! All right.
How 'bout I give you five cent, and you give me a horoscope.
Want me read horoscope for you? I'll read horoscope for you.
You are going to meet a short, honey brown man who is going to kick the hell out of you.
- Was that Capricorn? - [Groans.]
All right.
How much.
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How much for this-this dirty Playpen magazine? I sure am horny.
- Five dollars.
- Five dollars! Good Lord! Five dollar? How 'bout I give you 15 cent, and you read me one of them nasty letters? You want to be read nasty letter? You want to read nasty letter? You want to hear that? Okay.
"Dear Playpen: I am writing you from my couch.
"I am sitting on the edge of this couch.
I am rubbing my leg.
And I am going to tell you to get that man the hell out of your store!" All right.
All right.
Don't be so mean.
Don't gotta be so mean.
All right.
All right.
- How much for a hot dog? - One dollar.
One dollar? Good Lord! For a hot dog? How 'bout I give you 68 cent, you let me fill up the bun up with relish? Okay, okay, if you leave my store.
Okay.
It's a deal.
It's a deal.
Hey, hey, hey.
This is only 25 cents! Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I'll hook you up.
All right? All right? All right? No, no, no, no, no! You can not.
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You can not do that! You can not take 11 cents out of there! This is for people with Muscular Dystrophy! All right.
How about I give you seven cent and come down with Sickle Cell? Hello, ma'am.
How can I help you? These allergies are driving me crazy.
Could I get some tissue? Oh, sure you can, 2.
79.
Two seventy-nine! Good lord! That's a lot of money for a booger! I wouldn't pay that if I was you.
But you are not her! Get out of my face! Hey, lady, you don't need the whole box.
How about.
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Why don't you just give him 50 cent and get ten tissues? That's a good idea.
I'll take ten tissues, please.
I do not sell them that way! All right.
How 'bout she gives you 15 cent.
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and then she can wipe her nose on your sleeve? You are driving me crazy! Gandhi would even smack your teeth out! You know what? I'll just go somewhere else! What are you.
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What? What? [Muttering.]
She sure got mucous.
Hey, how much for.
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How much for some ice cream? Some ice cream? You really want ice cream? I find ice cream for you.
How 'bout I put a.
44 slug in your head? Why don't you make that a.
22 and a flesh wound? All right, get out! Get out of here! Get! Go out of here! - [Shutters Clicking.]
- [Man Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
Hey, look, Cosby kids, you all have to get on away! This is a Tupac concert, This ain't no church picnic.
- Cosby kids.
- Get off.
Get off.
Hey, get off me.
Predator! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Hold up.
Hold up, Elvira.
Hold up.
Now, what's up, man? This is the V.
I.
P.
's.
Yeah, that-that means very.
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very important people.
Hey, guys, I'm Duff from MTV.
And I'm here to interview Tupac for his Rockumentary.
Oh, straight? Yo, is Ed Lover going to see this? 'Cause I was in Virginia Beach, and I met his cousin.
He told me, put some lyrics on the tape, and send it in.
- Yo, what's up, Eddie? - Bust some rhymes.
Bust some rhymes.
Check this out.
Ed, I met your cousin in Virginia Beach - [Squeaks.]
- He told me to send a tape or somethin' [Imitating Scratching.]
What? Is it broke? Hey, man! You just broke a $150,000 camera.
Well, dude, I'm sorry.
Look.
I'm Tupac's manager.
We'll take care of it.
Now, step off.
- Yo, hold up.
- Hey, hey, hold up, red.
Peaches and Herb.
Now, what's up? Can I help you sisters with something? Tupac said our name was gonna be on the list.
Well, there ain't no list.
Look.
This is the thing.
There ain't no list, but you can get with me and my main man.
You know what I'm sayin'? We got a little penthouse.
A fresh little "Ja-coochie.
" You know.
Then we got, like, chandeliers and stuff.
- I'm sayin', five-star hotel.
- Hey! Hey, there, girl.
You know.
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I know you're not touchin' me.
Nobody touches me! I don't know what you talkin' about.
I got an album out, too, in the Orient.
- Brother, please! - Hey.
Oh, that's why I'm datin' pygmies now.
- Ho-Ho-Ho-Hold up.
- Hold up.
- What's up, man? Yo, what's up, man? - [Applause and Cheers.]
What's up withall that clapping and stuff, man? Hey, man.
I'm Tupac.
- Ah, he's Tupac.
- 'Course, he's Tupac.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
If you was really Tupac,you'd be with Janet.
Let's just go get the mikeand stuff, go on stage.
Girls be screamin'.
Talkin' 'bout Keep Ya Head Up.
- [Giggles.]
- Girls be hollerin' at you.
Goin' ah-ah-ah.
I ain't seen none of that.
Check this out, bro.
I got a show to do, and I don't 'preciate your attitude.
I guess you're steppin' to me? Why you.
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Oh, gosh, don't do that.
Don't do that.
Why? Why? Ooh, don't make me bust you up like that.
- Whoo! - And-And.
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l-l-I don't see nobody else here.
You must be steppin' to him.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what I'm gonna do to you, punk? - I'm gonna do this.
[Punches Landing.]
- [Grunting.]
- [Grunting.]
- [Laughing.]
So you best watch yourself.
[Breathing Hard.]
And l-l-I'm.
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I'm his main man.
- S-So-So-So you know he's gonna do.
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do you wrong.
- Yeah.
- You know what I'm gonna do to you? - What? Ah, well, let's get it on then! Ooh! What's up? What's up? We got a problem here? - Yeah, you got a problem? - Y-Y-Yeah.
You-You-You.
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You got a problem? About all that you was talkin', we could run it right know.
You know? Keep Your Head Up.
Get Around.
! [Rapping, Scatting.]
No, man.
I'm sorry.
It was just a mistake, Mr.
Pac.
Uh, you can just come right on in, man.
I'll just open the door for you.
- All right.
Straight.
- Park my car, square.
- All right.
- And don't put no dents in it.
And set the alarm! [Imitates Chirp.]
Hey, man! Hey, hey, man! Man, what's up? I'm gonna put some dents in you.
Sold me out.
- No.
There's another party down here.
- Oh, straight? - You know, I get around.
- You get around? [Rapping, Scatting.]
- Thanks for watchin'! - Good night! See ya next week! - Hi, Grandma! - Peace out.
Bye-bye! [Theme.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]