Jersey Shore s05e03 Episode Script
Dropping Like Flies
All right, unit.
Get real, bitch.
Unit is the witness to myself and Snooki getting down while she's been with Jionni.
Do you want me to tell you about yourself No, stop.
I don't trust Mike and the unit.
They're trying to [Bleep.]
this relationship up.
You're a [Bleep.]
loser.
If you didn't have Mike, you'd be a [Bleep.]
loser.
It's only a matter of time - before the truth's coming out.
- Oh, God.
- Why do you want to leave now? - I have to, bro.
I just want to grab onto my dude and be like, "don't go, don't go, don't leave me.
" - All right, man.
- Okay, man.
It sucks.
Like what do I do now? [Get crazy by lmfao.]
Dj Pauly Delvecchio! I'm going to the Jersey Shore, bitch! All right, we got a situation.
I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.
[Laughing.]
After I have sex with a guy I will rip their heads off.
Go vinny! Go vinny! You like the boobs? If you wanna have fun and do something crazy [Soft pop music.]
- All right, we good to go? - Yeah.
So at this point my man leaves me.
I got to go tell the rest of the household that vinny may not be coming back.
- What happened? - He left.
- He took everything? - Yeah.
- For good? - Yeah.
Vinny left the house.
Oh, that was the last [Bleep.]
thing that I thought was going to happen.
Vinny is gone.
What's the matter? Just tell me right now, do you love him? I love him as a roommate.
He's like one of my really good friends.
Vinny's gone.
Is he coming back? Did he take everything? Yep.
Not now.
- I love him.
- Deena overreacts about everything.
Deena's very dramatic with the waterworks.
So hearing that vinny stubbed his toe, she might have cried.
Oh, he was like my soul.
Deena, it's fine.
Regardless, it's going to be fine.
- I know, Jen.
- Let him fix himself.
- Listen - I'm being so selfish.
I'm being selfish.
Yeah, exactly.
- I know I am.
- You're being selfish.
I know I am.
I know I am.
I am drunk deena's mom right now.
And it is what it is.
I'm used to it.
- Can you fix me? - You're fine.
He was my rock.
I need to have a good time, Dee.
- I love vinny.
- Listen up.
We're gonna enjoy the night for him right now.
We have an hour left.
Let's just go enjoy the [Bleep.]
hour.
We're good.
Do I look like a mess? [Electronic music plays.]
Yeah, you're mad cute.
Can we get a drink? I'm like a shopper at like, you know, at a store.
I see someone I like Okay, right there, come here.
You now come with me.
What are you guys doing tomorrow? Um, having breakfast with you.
Well, all right.
What do you like? French toast? We'll have French toast.
Are we leaving? I want to use the grenade hammer on the girl that situation brought home.
But I had to grab this cute girl to get it in for my man, vinny.
Well, aren't you pretty? [Dance music.]
Place is a mess? Not for me.
I didn't think vinny was that, like, serious about leaving.
I thought at least maybe he'd leave some stuff and then come back, like Sam did.
When I walked in and I saw everything gone, I was just like, "he's really gone.
Like he's gone.
" [Sniffles.]
Hey.
[Sobs.]
He's not coming back, Jen.
Do you know any Italian? - Yes, a lot of it.
- Really? So if I say something to you, you'll understand it? - Most likely.
- Okay, so[Speaking italian.]
.
Eat something.
Oh, [Bleep.]
, she knows Italian.
Wow.
Okay, [Bleep.]
.
You can say it.
- [Bleep.]
.
- Yeah.
Uh, pecorina.
It's a type of cheese.
No, pecarina is [Bleep.]
.
[Electronic melody playing.]
[Rock music plays.]
- I had to come home.
- Yeah? Okay.
That's good.
That's good.
You all right? I had a lot of anxiety over there.
Okay.
I had to deal with it over here, you know? It wasn't the right environment for me to be in To deal with that.
It was too much.
All right.
Good, good.
Go to sleep now.
Like why leave now? Why this [Bleep.]
instant? I just miss kid.
Like, I don't want him to be gone.
[Sniffles.]
I never thought he would really leave.
[Seagulls call.]
Let's celebrate for vin today.
Let's just get wastie pants.
You're good.
You'reWhoa! We got "situation nation" coming down tonight.
I'm hoping that nothing stupid is gonna go down.
When the unit's in the house, you never know.
[Bouncy pop music plays.]
Can I get a taxi to 1209 ocean terrace? Oh! Oh, tomorrow's sunday, monday and tuesday are birthdays.
This is really our birthday weekend, though.
- I know.
- Tonight's really the night.
- Tonight's the night.
- Tonight's the night.
We should have a birthday party.
We're celebrating mine and Pauly's birthdays this week.
And we're doing it big this year.
It's pretty much, you know, go hard or go home.
Tonight is your night, bro.
- [Kisses.]
I love you.
- Be good.
- I won't cheat on you.
- Have fun.
- I love you.
- Love you too.
Wah! All right, let's go.
On the count of three Both: Jen! I'm really excited.
Let's celebrate for vin today.
Meatball day! We're not going to remember it.
We're probably going to make out.
We're two meatballs.
Yay! Oh, my butt.
My butt shows.
Yeah, my [Bleep.]
are flapping out.
Haven't really had a meatball day in seaside yet.
So I feel like today should be a perfect meatball day.
Let's just get wastie pants.
[Laughing.]
All: Yay! Oh, my God, I'm gonna get in so much trouble.
Jionni's gonna kill me.
My sister! Joanie! Hey, how are you? I see my sister.
I'm like, "typical," like she would fricking be here.
" Mom's going to kill me for getting you drunk.
What's your name? I'm Chris.
Chris, I love you.
We met this awesome gay guy.
You're gay, right? Yeah.
I love gay men.
Love them! I can hang out with gay men all fricking day.
You can get fricking hammered, and you don't have to worry about giving them, like, a [Bleep.]
at the end of the night, and that's awesome.
I love to be a gay man's [Bleep.]
fly.
Both: Whoo! Nicole is a little bit more drunk than I am.
I'm a little bit more like "merp," where Nicole is like "Merp.
" Can you walk at all? - I'm mad drunk right now.
- Can you walk at all? - Yes.
- Can you walk? So I'm taking care of her, Chris is taking care of her.
- I got you, babe.
- Yeah, dude, don't worry.
We got you, all right? You ain't going nowhere.
This is what I need.
I really hope she doesn't get fricking arrested again.
Hold my arm.
Hold my arm.
You know it's bad when I'm the sober one.
- Watch your foot.
- Pull up.
You're good.
You'reWhoa! I got you.
I got you.
This is all a knot.
I'm gonna have to cut my hair.
How the frick are you gonna to tell a guidette apart without their extensions? Ooh! - [Snoring.]
- Oh, listen.
Shh shh shh.
Oh, man, somebody get some shaving cream.
- Pauly's birthday cake - It may taste good, but it doesn't look good, and I'm upset right now.
You're good, you're Whoa! I got you.
Cab's right there.
You're all right, Nicole.
Let's go get me some vodka.
Or a little bit.
Now it's two meatballs on the loose, and we're completely not in the state of mind we should be.
Me and deena are at aztec.
I just feel like pushing these guys, I mean, like, get real.
Like, you're 12 years old, and you're trying to [Bleep.]
this bump rush.
Okay.
No, we're the [Bleep.]
veterans, and I'll show you how it's done.
[Opera-techno music plays.]
At that point, and once we fell, I was like, there's no really coming back from this one.
We might as well just get going.
[Rock music playing.]
Yo, your ass is hanging out.
- Holy nipple slip! - Are you for real? What was you working tonight, girl? What corner was you working? [Laughter.]
This is not going to be pretty.
This is all a knot.
You must make old man humble.
Like, what is going on? Like, I'm going to have to cut my hair.
Shhh.
No, you don't have to [Bleep.]
cut your hair.
Relax.
I have to cut it.
- This your hair? - Yep.
- You feel that? - Mm-hmm.
Deena's hair is, like, disgusting right now, like a big fricking knot.
So you might as well go [Bleep.]
Britney Spears and shave your head, because she's screwed.
Why? Ooh! Oh, dear [Bleep.]
, Pauly.
Ugh! Are you kidding me? There was like a beehive in deena's head.
I don't know if this is my hair orNope.
Hold on.
Like did you fall? My hair? No, she just danced her ass off.
My identity is just tearing off of me at this point.
It's like fingerprints.
How the frick are you going to tell a guidette apart without their extensions? - This is pointless.
You gotta deep-condition.
Guidette problem! [Techno music plays.]
Crisis averted.
In memory of vinny, I'm rocking skinny jeans.
Right now, karma is bananas.
I look to my left, and I see my best friend jon, aka the unit.
The unit is the star witness of the crime between Snooki cheating on Jionni with myself.
And now that, you know, they're all in the same place, that's the ingredients for a situation.
I say we take this [Bleep.]
club over.
[Bleep.]
All these people 'round here.
And let's grab some real estate.
Let's go.
So the fact that Mike and the unit are together, now I'm on high alert.
I thought Mike was better with drama, but honestly, the unit is, like, ten times more worse.
We're just going to try and distance ourselves from the assholes.
Let's go dance.
[Hip-hop music plays.]
Corner of my eye, I see this tattooed chick, and she, like, has vinny's name all over.
Like, a little bit older, and tatted from the head down.
I can just tell this girl's dtf.
You can smell it, see it, taste it.
She's DTF.
- Love the sneakers.
- Thank you.
My whole living room is full of my sneakers.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, you'll see.
I mean, this is mission accomplished, 100%.
Like she's ready to go.
And that's what's up.
No work involved.
Pauly, where are you going? - I'm going home.
Bye-bye.
I'm going to smash this tattooed chick in my man vinny's bed, in honor of my man vinny for leaving the house.
She's over there.
Right there.
Right to your left.
I'm, like, looking for Snooki right now, but she's 4'9".
I can't even find her.
Out there, in the corner, brother.
You know, myself and the unit are just gonna play a little game I call gym tan The truth will set you free.
Let's make this happen let's have some fun.
Whoo-hoo! It's about to go down right now.
Thank you for the cake.
We made a cake for Pauly and not Mike.
That's what you get for being a [Bleep.]
douche bag.
I'm tired of being the bad dude.
I don't know if I can do it anymore.
She's over there, right there.
Right to your left.
Myself and the unit are ready to gym, tan, tell the truth.
Let's make this happen.
Let's have some fun.
[All shout indistinctly.]
Unit's in front of me walking, and all of a sudden a fight broke out.
It was mayhem.
I can't even move right now.
I'm on the side of the [Bleep.]
fence right now.
Are they fighting? Are they fighting? [Screaming.]
Honestly, I don't care about drama.
I mean, as long as it doesn't concern me and Jionni, I'm fine.
And at this point, I just want to get in the sheets with Jionni.
I don't care about anything else but me and Jionni smushing.
[Overlapping shouting.]
If he got thrown out, he got thrown out.
We cannot let him come back in.
I find out that unit just got kicked out of the club.
And now I'm pissed as hell.
Rip off.
Are you kidding me, dog? You kidding me, dog? There's no difference with anybody else.
I didn't even get a chance.
Nicole is definitely not off the hook.
The summer just started.
[Distant police siren wails.]
Here's my room.
Um, I can't get it off.
This girl is vinny's type to a tee.
So I smashed her as a perfect way to honor vinny.
[Phone trilling.]
- Hello? Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Fine.
How are you? - How's everything? - Good.
- How's the kids? - Fine.
They must be getting big now, huh? - Huh? - Can I have a cab? [Edgy rock music plays.]
It was crazy last night.
I'm definitely a little tired.
And the last thing I want to do is work at the t-shirt shop right now.
Do you need any help? SheShe's right there.
[Blows vuvuzela.]
No sleeping at work.
Oh, my God.
I've never You didn't tell us to get off break yet.
Break's 10, 15 minutes, not half an hour.
I always get stuck working with Mike and jenni all the time.
They don't do anything.
Like, they just stand there.
There are definitely some cute new chicks at the Shore store right now.
I have an incentive right now.
I work for incentives.
Yeah, I think it fits.
Yeah.
Mike! What would you like on them? What do you recommend? I'll just get it Maybe "situation.
" - Whatever you want.
- Yes.
So next time on the show, you should wear them.
Yeah? Okay.
I met this cutie, from Bosnia, I believe.
Now she's got "I love situation" Booty shorts.
I want grilled cheese.
Giving me her number right now, and telling me she wanted grilled cheese in the morning.
Don't worry.
In the morning.
With no crust.
I mean, that's just the truth right there.
[Laughs.]
You suckered me in.
I'm a sweetheart.
[Laughs.]
[Phone trilling.]
You're calling vin? Yeah, come in here.
Hello? - What's up, buddy? - What's up, my dude? How are you feeling? Feeling better, you know, day by day.
Um, sorry I didn't get to say good-bye to you guys.
No, it's cool.
We miss you though.
It's not the same without you here.
Vinny's been my friend since day one in this house, you know, and I love the kid, so it hurts me to see him like that.
- How was the weekend? - The weekend was good.
I smashed a girl in your honor in your bed.
She was a cougar with tattoos.
Ah, thank you.
I made her call me vinny and everything.
[Laughs.]
I think Pauly and Ron are having the most difficult time dealing with vinny not being here.
Sucks, like, that they're missing their best friend.
How are you doing, good? You fighting with your boyfriend or what? Everything's fine.
I just want you to come back.
I mean, even though I have a boyfriend, I'll always have that special place in my heart for vinny.
And the fact that he's not here, you know, who am I going to, you know, flirt with? Just talked to vinny.
Oh.
What'd he say? He's not coming back anytime soon.
That sucks.
Can we just talk in the room? - I have no time to talk to anybody at 4:00 in the morning.
[Knock on door.]
[Indistinct.]
I want to hang out with Mike then, if you're going to go to bed.
If she's not DTF to Pauly Like, really? You're DTF for Mike? Like, that's absurd.
All: Surprise! - Could not believe my eyes.
Best gift I ever had in my life.
Guys, we're leaving! Wow, you just woke me the [Bleep.]
up.
Ooh! Somebody smells good.
Everybody's kind of down.
We miss vinny.
But it's about time to turn this [Bleep.]
around.
It's fricking my birthday.
Break out of your funk! I'm fine.
You go [Bleep.]
dance.
The scene at aztec It is crowded.
And all of a sudden, I look to my left, and I see this Bosnian girl from the Shore store.
She's actually, um I think she's kind of cute.
What are we cheering to? Grilled cheese, no crust.
- Snuggle naked.
- Snuggle naked? Yeah, that's always good.
[Techno music plays.]
I've been looking for you all [Bleep.]
day! Aw, hell, yeah.
I'm definitely excited to see Paula.
I guess you'd have to say that Paula is my main squeeze right now.
The body on that girl Ooh, sheesh! This Bosnian girl, she's flirting with me in the beginning of the night, and now I'm walking away from her to go to Paula.
I got to share sometimes, so I'm happy to pass the torch, Pauly, it's your birthday.
Happy birthday to you I'm a nice girl.
I'm European, remember? Where you from? - From Bosnia.
- All right.
I'm having a great time at aztec right now.
We're drinking, we're dancing.
It's just turning into a fabulous night.
I know you! My brother! So I see this Joey kid.
I flirted with his twin last year.
Do you want to kiss me? Yeah.
You're the cuter one, I feel.
I'm just like Typical.
Typical deena scenario.
This is my friend Joey.
He's coming home with me.
Okay.
I'm going to dial you up.
There you go.
Oh, ho, ho, yeah! Real nice, huh? Real nice.
You have such a cute smile.
No, stop it.
Now you're making me blush.
This Bosnian chick is so persistent.
I'm like, "this girl must want to do something.
" Yo, let's get outta here.
Yeah? Let's go.
My 31st birthday I need to get laid.
If this girl's going to try so hard to go out of her way to come out with me, I'll take her home.
My room's the cleanest place in the house.
Do yourself a favor Don't go anywhere in the house except my room.
Swear to God.
You'll see why.
I'll show you.
- You're single, right? - Yeah.
- No girlfriend? Oh.
- Nah.
So you're going to eat while I shower? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Have a good night.
So what kind of guy are you? - I'm a good guy.
- Are you? Even though, like, I look like I'm a nutcase, I'm actually a good girl.
Good night.
You can come to bed or I can call you a cab.
It's up to you.
Poor Pauly's about to go to bed and this girl looks like a lost puppy, like doesn't know what to do with herself.
Can we just talk in the room? I'll call the cab.
I have no time to talk to anybody at 4:00 in the morning.
It should be against the law to come to my house at 4:00 in the morning, on my birthday, and not give me birthday sex.
Can I have a cab? - 1209 ocean terrace? - Yep.
For one Bosnian.
- Excuse me? - One person.
- Oh, my God.
- What? Pauly's girl.
It's his birthday.
He needs to get it in What is this girl No, she's a [Indistinct.]
.
No, she's not.
- Is she cool? - She's not DTF.
Oh, she's not? It was nice to meet you.
Take care.
- Okay.
- Good night.
Okay.
She seems like a nice girl though.
She is.
That's why she doesn't belong here.
- Exactly.
- No offense, Paula.
Hey.
Yeah, you're good.
Paula, you and Mike have, like, a relationship.
I think Mike likes Paula.
I don't know if maybe 'cause she's easy to bring home.
She's like a hippie.
Anything goes with Paula.
Like, she's a hippie.
But I think deep down Mike likes Paula.
He must like you if he keeps going back to the Paula.
You just do whatever you want.
That's why I like you, 'cause you're so, like, nonchalant about [Bleep.]
.
You just don't care.
Everything's fine.
When you care about things, then you get hurt.
- Yeah.
- I can't have that anymore.
Oh, no, girl.
You have a good attitude.
Keep it up.
I'll do my best.
I actually really like Paula.
She may be dirty and grimy and disgusting, but she's just a nice girl.
But we'll see what happens with Paula and Mike.
When you're done, just jump in the bed.
Okay.
[Knock on door.]
Oh, my God.
Can ICan I talk? Can I come inside? What's up? I don't want to go home yet.
[Bleep.]
What do you want to do? I want to hang out with Mike, then, if you're going to go to bed.
Go hang out with Mike.
[Laughs.]
He's busy though.
Who does this girl think she is, like, coming back into this house? And, I mean, if she's not DTF to Pauly Like, really? You're DTF for Mike? Like, that's absurd.
That's just crazy [Bleep.]
.
Let's just hang out.
Well I mean Is Paula still here? - Paula? - Yeah.
Where is she? Shower.
Is she really? So are you with Paula? I'm just curious.
She's not DTF? She definitely is, but we get along.
You know what I mean? Like, she's a cool chick, you know? So I guess.
I don't know, right? Maybe, uh Maybe we made the wrong choice.
Who knows, you know? Maybe we made the wrong choice.
I always like to keep my options open, but at the end of the day, I wasn't going to leave Paula.
You know what I'm saying? She's, like, AAA, you know? You call her, she's there.
[Laughs.]
- The girl came and left again.
- What girl? - Pauly's girl.
- Oh, she bounced? Again.
I'm being honest.
There definitely is a little room for Paula in this crazy heart of mine.
The "sitch" could get wifed up.
Who knows? You never know.
I mean, I'm not going to lie.
I actually would love a girlfriend, you know? And me and Paula have been hanging out a lot, and getting along very well.
So who knows? Happy birthday.
[Cheering, applause.]
I mean, it's my birthday, Pauly's birthday.
And I'm like, "what about me?" Thank you for the cake.
It actually hurts me to think that people don't care.
Maybe I'm just jealous.
I don't know.
[Groans.]
And we're down to six.
What? You want to call a cab? Okay.
Happy birthday.
Me and Paula, you know, our relationship is definitely good.
- Good-bye.
- Bye, sweetie.
But it didn't hit that step where we're boyfriend-girlfriend yet.
- You ready? - Not really.
[Belches.]
Oh! So I wake up this morning.
It's officially my birthday.
I wish vinny was here.
Like, it's just not the same without vinny.
[Laughs.]
[Distant murmuring.]
Open the door and then [Knocks on door.]
All: Surprise! I could not believe my eyes.
My mother brought all of Rhode island with her.
She brought both my aunt Paulas, my aunt Janice, my uncle George.
Um, big Jerry's there.
It's an unbelievable feeling to see my family right now on my birthday.
They literally brought my birthday to Jersey.
- Oh, yes.
- That's the hot tub.
The infamous hot tub.
I don't even want to touch it.
- [Laughs.]
- It is his birthday, right? And mama Dukes though, she's got a good present for you.
I want to give you one first right away, okay? There you go.
[Laughs.]
- It's an infamous hot tub.
- Yep.
[Shouting and laughter.]
- Look at my hair! - That's why I'm here.
Look at my hair! My mother pulled together and made it happen.
She brought my barber here to cut my hair for my birthday.
Best gift I ever had in my life.
- Hey, buddy! - Happy birthday! That's the best present I ever had! [Laughter.]
This is definitely the happiest that Pauly's been since vinny left.
New haircut, big Jerry's there, his family's there.
This is the best gift in the world.
Yeah, buddy.
I told you, ma.
It's been a while.
It's been a long time.
Smiling from cheek to cheek, all over a haircut.
He really loves his hair.
How long you been growing the hair for, Pauly? More than ten years.
I'll never forget when he first started that.
And then I'm like, "what are you doing with your head?" [Laughter.]
Why you put glue on your head? What is that? [Applause.]
All right.
I'm going to do my hair now.
I love my mom and family, but my barber really made my birthday happen.
I'm back to being FTD Fresh to death.
I'm the freshest person in seaside again.
Wow, yeah.
What's the deal? I'm going to meet the fam at rivoli's for dinner.
You guys want to come? Yeah.
This is the first year that we're celebrating myself and Pauly's birthday all together, so it would have been nice for my family to come for a birthday dinner, but maybe next year.
I'm going to see you guys in a little bit, all right? All right.
So, like, are we still throwing a party? - Mm-hmm.
- We are? Me and you, we have to interview the strippers.
Me and the girls are planning a big surprise party for Pauly and Mike.
We definitely need at least two strippers to pull this party off.
This is going to be one for the books.
- We are on break? - Yeah.
You guys can go on break right now.
Go grab something to drink.
[Laughs.]
We have to call strippers.
We'll get hot ones and, like, one [Bleep.]
that's hot.
I mean, I know I'm not the smartest crayon in the box, but this isn't rocket scientists.
Like, we can make a party.
So what I'm thinking is we should call the pimp place or whatever.
That's prostitution.
- Yeah.
- That's, like, weird.
Oh, I don't know if it's called a pimp place.
- Just do a stripper club.
- It's like a stripper joint.
Try and get some nice Transsexuals.
Mike would be like, "oh, hey!" A new Jersey turnpike mate.
You know.
[Seagulls call.]
So we're going to have this huge dinner at rivoli's for my birthday.
I'm going to meet my whole family there.
Right now, the only thing missing to this dinner to make it perfect is my boy vinny.
Salud.
Happy birthday.
He's been dying to meet my family, dying to hang out with my family.
And it's my fricking birthday, and my best friend's not here.
I need a pitchfork and a shovel.
What do you do with this thing? - Told you.
- Wow.
- That's ridiculous.
- [Laughs.]
You're laughing.
Wait till you see your dish.
That's ridiculous.
The lobster's the size of Snooki.
What is going on? [Laughter.]
I'm, you know, definitely very agitated right now.
I mean, it's my birthday, Pauly's birthday, and I see Pauly smiling, and I'm like, "yo, what about me?" Excuse me, guys.
Mike's doing the fricking dip.
Mike dips out.
Where he goes, I have no idea.
Oh! Oh! [Cheers and applause.]
I guess it's wishing you had something you don't.
Pauly's got his friends and family.
I feel like I have nobody.
I'm like a house with no legs right now.
Not sturdy.
[Applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm glad you guys got to come down.
All: Happy birthday.
- Yay, yay, yay.
[Applause.]
Oh, yeah, that's good cake.
[Laughter.]
[Snoring.]
That was a good birthday.
[Snoring.]
Oh, listen.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
[Snoring.]
Listen to that.
It's so loud.
I got to sleep with that.
Oh, man.
Somebody get some shaving cream.
[Laughter.]
Put some cake on him.
He sleeps like this.
I want to see.
I got to see that one.
Who sleeps through this? [Laughter.]
All: happy birthday to you I mean, it's my birthday, Pauly's birthday, and I see Pauly smiling, and I'm like, "yo, what about me?" [Laughter.]
Who's great idea was it to put cake on my face? Pauly's birthday cake It may taste good, but it doesn't look good.
And I'm upset right now.
This is legit right now.
I love cake decorating.
Pauly and the boys aren't home, so the meatballs decide to make the cake.
And I'm like, "I want to frost it.
" I want to make this cake look cute for Pauly's birthday.
Hey, Mike, we don't need help.
It's all right.
Mike's here? Oh, they're back.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, of course.
The girls made, you know, Pauly's birthday cake.
I'm just like, "you know what? Like, I must be the devil in this house.
" Hey, who made that? We did! Wow, look at that haircut.
- Sam did the icing.
- That's sick.
Wow, that's dope.
You like? There's a good guy and a bad guy in the movie.
And in this house, there's a good guy and there's a bad guy.
So Pauly's the good guy and it seems like I'm the bad guy a lot of the times.
[Groans.]
Thank you for the cake.
Of course.
I love you.
Thank you.
Love you too.
Well, obviously Mike knows that we all like Pauly better than him.
So the fact that we made a cake for Pauly and not Mike That's what you get for being a [Bleep.]
douche bag.
[Snoring.]
Ah.
My ass is, like, protruding.
- What? - Protruding.
Word of the day Use it.
In what context? Like, "my [Bleep.]
just protruded" 'cause I had [Bleep.]
sex.
" Come on.
[Giggles.]
Did you have a good birthday? Mmm.
Got your hair cut, all your friends were down there, and you had a nice dinner, presents.
Good birthday.
Yeah.
Good dinner.
[Soft groan.]
Seems like we celebrated Pauly's birthday over and over again.
Maybe I'm just jealous.
I don't know.
Do you know where the keys are? Well, they're obviously in my hands.
- Busted big time.
- We're leaving.
What do you mean you're leaving? We're leaving.
Are we going? No, you guys go.
I have my running shoes on.
[Laughs.]
Okay.
Bye, guys.
- Bye-bye.
- It's cool.
- I'm just, like, tone-deaf and stupid when it comes to Mike at this point.
It's like, "what the hell happened to this kid?" [Sighs.]
[Groans.]
Ever since Italy, Mike's being, like, crazy weird.
We don't know what's up with Mike.
I'm trying to hold it in right now.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and it actually hurts me to think that people don't care.
Yeah.
I could walk by myself, but at the end of the day, I just I'm just very, uh Very emotional dude, you know? And I'm starting to see that no matter how good I am, I'm never seen as the good guy.
I'm always seen as somebody that's going to be bad.
I don't know what just happened.
He's in a funk.
And that's why I've been a little upset.
There's always going to be drama with the roommates, but I'm tired of being the bad dude.
[Gasps.]
[Laughs.]
Oh! [Both laugh.]
- Bull's-eye, kid! - Yes! Oh, Mike did a dip.
- No, he didn't.
- Mm-hmm.
- No, he didn't.
- Uh-huh.
He's not here? Sometimes I do really feel bad for Mike.
But it's like, "why do you alienate yourself?" Like, he's just doing it to himself.
- What happened? - Mike's gone.
- What? - Did the dip.
Oh, come on.
Really? Like, I get vinny's anxiety, and I get that he wanted to go.
We're supporting vinny and his problems.
Mike just pulled a douche bag move.
He just dipped out.
And we're down to six.
Dropping like flies.
- Oh, dear.
- What's going on? Vinny's not around.
I haven't seen Mike at all.
I'm looking for more people right now.
New roommates? [Cheering.]
- Happy birthday! - Sit in it! I was not expecting another party.
[Cheering.]
I see, like, a chick fight.
Then I look over.
I'm like, "holy [Bleep.]
, it's Sam.
" - Go get vinny.
- We're going to staten island and kidnapping your ass, bitch.
[Chanting.]
Vinny, vinny, vinny! [Knocks on door.]
- U.
P.
S.
! - There's no one home?
Get real, bitch.
Unit is the witness to myself and Snooki getting down while she's been with Jionni.
Do you want me to tell you about yourself No, stop.
I don't trust Mike and the unit.
They're trying to [Bleep.]
this relationship up.
You're a [Bleep.]
loser.
If you didn't have Mike, you'd be a [Bleep.]
loser.
It's only a matter of time - before the truth's coming out.
- Oh, God.
- Why do you want to leave now? - I have to, bro.
I just want to grab onto my dude and be like, "don't go, don't go, don't leave me.
" - All right, man.
- Okay, man.
It sucks.
Like what do I do now? [Get crazy by lmfao.]
Dj Pauly Delvecchio! I'm going to the Jersey Shore, bitch! All right, we got a situation.
I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.
[Laughing.]
After I have sex with a guy I will rip their heads off.
Go vinny! Go vinny! You like the boobs? If you wanna have fun and do something crazy [Soft pop music.]
- All right, we good to go? - Yeah.
So at this point my man leaves me.
I got to go tell the rest of the household that vinny may not be coming back.
- What happened? - He left.
- He took everything? - Yeah.
- For good? - Yeah.
Vinny left the house.
Oh, that was the last [Bleep.]
thing that I thought was going to happen.
Vinny is gone.
What's the matter? Just tell me right now, do you love him? I love him as a roommate.
He's like one of my really good friends.
Vinny's gone.
Is he coming back? Did he take everything? Yep.
Not now.
- I love him.
- Deena overreacts about everything.
Deena's very dramatic with the waterworks.
So hearing that vinny stubbed his toe, she might have cried.
Oh, he was like my soul.
Deena, it's fine.
Regardless, it's going to be fine.
- I know, Jen.
- Let him fix himself.
- Listen - I'm being so selfish.
I'm being selfish.
Yeah, exactly.
- I know I am.
- You're being selfish.
I know I am.
I know I am.
I am drunk deena's mom right now.
And it is what it is.
I'm used to it.
- Can you fix me? - You're fine.
He was my rock.
I need to have a good time, Dee.
- I love vinny.
- Listen up.
We're gonna enjoy the night for him right now.
We have an hour left.
Let's just go enjoy the [Bleep.]
hour.
We're good.
Do I look like a mess? [Electronic music plays.]
Yeah, you're mad cute.
Can we get a drink? I'm like a shopper at like, you know, at a store.
I see someone I like Okay, right there, come here.
You now come with me.
What are you guys doing tomorrow? Um, having breakfast with you.
Well, all right.
What do you like? French toast? We'll have French toast.
Are we leaving? I want to use the grenade hammer on the girl that situation brought home.
But I had to grab this cute girl to get it in for my man, vinny.
Well, aren't you pretty? [Dance music.]
Place is a mess? Not for me.
I didn't think vinny was that, like, serious about leaving.
I thought at least maybe he'd leave some stuff and then come back, like Sam did.
When I walked in and I saw everything gone, I was just like, "he's really gone.
Like he's gone.
" [Sniffles.]
Hey.
[Sobs.]
He's not coming back, Jen.
Do you know any Italian? - Yes, a lot of it.
- Really? So if I say something to you, you'll understand it? - Most likely.
- Okay, so[Speaking italian.]
.
Eat something.
Oh, [Bleep.]
, she knows Italian.
Wow.
Okay, [Bleep.]
.
You can say it.
- [Bleep.]
.
- Yeah.
Uh, pecorina.
It's a type of cheese.
No, pecarina is [Bleep.]
.
[Electronic melody playing.]
[Rock music plays.]
- I had to come home.
- Yeah? Okay.
That's good.
That's good.
You all right? I had a lot of anxiety over there.
Okay.
I had to deal with it over here, you know? It wasn't the right environment for me to be in To deal with that.
It was too much.
All right.
Good, good.
Go to sleep now.
Like why leave now? Why this [Bleep.]
instant? I just miss kid.
Like, I don't want him to be gone.
[Sniffles.]
I never thought he would really leave.
[Seagulls call.]
Let's celebrate for vin today.
Let's just get wastie pants.
You're good.
You'reWhoa! We got "situation nation" coming down tonight.
I'm hoping that nothing stupid is gonna go down.
When the unit's in the house, you never know.
[Bouncy pop music plays.]
Can I get a taxi to 1209 ocean terrace? Oh! Oh, tomorrow's sunday, monday and tuesday are birthdays.
This is really our birthday weekend, though.
- I know.
- Tonight's really the night.
- Tonight's the night.
- Tonight's the night.
We should have a birthday party.
We're celebrating mine and Pauly's birthdays this week.
And we're doing it big this year.
It's pretty much, you know, go hard or go home.
Tonight is your night, bro.
- [Kisses.]
I love you.
- Be good.
- I won't cheat on you.
- Have fun.
- I love you.
- Love you too.
Wah! All right, let's go.
On the count of three Both: Jen! I'm really excited.
Let's celebrate for vin today.
Meatball day! We're not going to remember it.
We're probably going to make out.
We're two meatballs.
Yay! Oh, my butt.
My butt shows.
Yeah, my [Bleep.]
are flapping out.
Haven't really had a meatball day in seaside yet.
So I feel like today should be a perfect meatball day.
Let's just get wastie pants.
[Laughing.]
All: Yay! Oh, my God, I'm gonna get in so much trouble.
Jionni's gonna kill me.
My sister! Joanie! Hey, how are you? I see my sister.
I'm like, "typical," like she would fricking be here.
" Mom's going to kill me for getting you drunk.
What's your name? I'm Chris.
Chris, I love you.
We met this awesome gay guy.
You're gay, right? Yeah.
I love gay men.
Love them! I can hang out with gay men all fricking day.
You can get fricking hammered, and you don't have to worry about giving them, like, a [Bleep.]
at the end of the night, and that's awesome.
I love to be a gay man's [Bleep.]
fly.
Both: Whoo! Nicole is a little bit more drunk than I am.
I'm a little bit more like "merp," where Nicole is like "Merp.
" Can you walk at all? - I'm mad drunk right now.
- Can you walk at all? - Yes.
- Can you walk? So I'm taking care of her, Chris is taking care of her.
- I got you, babe.
- Yeah, dude, don't worry.
We got you, all right? You ain't going nowhere.
This is what I need.
I really hope she doesn't get fricking arrested again.
Hold my arm.
Hold my arm.
You know it's bad when I'm the sober one.
- Watch your foot.
- Pull up.
You're good.
You'reWhoa! I got you.
I got you.
This is all a knot.
I'm gonna have to cut my hair.
How the frick are you gonna to tell a guidette apart without their extensions? Ooh! - [Snoring.]
- Oh, listen.
Shh shh shh.
Oh, man, somebody get some shaving cream.
- Pauly's birthday cake - It may taste good, but it doesn't look good, and I'm upset right now.
You're good, you're Whoa! I got you.
Cab's right there.
You're all right, Nicole.
Let's go get me some vodka.
Or a little bit.
Now it's two meatballs on the loose, and we're completely not in the state of mind we should be.
Me and deena are at aztec.
I just feel like pushing these guys, I mean, like, get real.
Like, you're 12 years old, and you're trying to [Bleep.]
this bump rush.
Okay.
No, we're the [Bleep.]
veterans, and I'll show you how it's done.
[Opera-techno music plays.]
At that point, and once we fell, I was like, there's no really coming back from this one.
We might as well just get going.
[Rock music playing.]
Yo, your ass is hanging out.
- Holy nipple slip! - Are you for real? What was you working tonight, girl? What corner was you working? [Laughter.]
This is not going to be pretty.
This is all a knot.
You must make old man humble.
Like, what is going on? Like, I'm going to have to cut my hair.
Shhh.
No, you don't have to [Bleep.]
cut your hair.
Relax.
I have to cut it.
- This your hair? - Yep.
- You feel that? - Mm-hmm.
Deena's hair is, like, disgusting right now, like a big fricking knot.
So you might as well go [Bleep.]
Britney Spears and shave your head, because she's screwed.
Why? Ooh! Oh, dear [Bleep.]
, Pauly.
Ugh! Are you kidding me? There was like a beehive in deena's head.
I don't know if this is my hair orNope.
Hold on.
Like did you fall? My hair? No, she just danced her ass off.
My identity is just tearing off of me at this point.
It's like fingerprints.
How the frick are you going to tell a guidette apart without their extensions? - This is pointless.
You gotta deep-condition.
Guidette problem! [Techno music plays.]
Crisis averted.
In memory of vinny, I'm rocking skinny jeans.
Right now, karma is bananas.
I look to my left, and I see my best friend jon, aka the unit.
The unit is the star witness of the crime between Snooki cheating on Jionni with myself.
And now that, you know, they're all in the same place, that's the ingredients for a situation.
I say we take this [Bleep.]
club over.
[Bleep.]
All these people 'round here.
And let's grab some real estate.
Let's go.
So the fact that Mike and the unit are together, now I'm on high alert.
I thought Mike was better with drama, but honestly, the unit is, like, ten times more worse.
We're just going to try and distance ourselves from the assholes.
Let's go dance.
[Hip-hop music plays.]
Corner of my eye, I see this tattooed chick, and she, like, has vinny's name all over.
Like, a little bit older, and tatted from the head down.
I can just tell this girl's dtf.
You can smell it, see it, taste it.
She's DTF.
- Love the sneakers.
- Thank you.
My whole living room is full of my sneakers.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, you'll see.
I mean, this is mission accomplished, 100%.
Like she's ready to go.
And that's what's up.
No work involved.
Pauly, where are you going? - I'm going home.
Bye-bye.
I'm going to smash this tattooed chick in my man vinny's bed, in honor of my man vinny for leaving the house.
She's over there.
Right there.
Right to your left.
I'm, like, looking for Snooki right now, but she's 4'9".
I can't even find her.
Out there, in the corner, brother.
You know, myself and the unit are just gonna play a little game I call gym tan The truth will set you free.
Let's make this happen let's have some fun.
Whoo-hoo! It's about to go down right now.
Thank you for the cake.
We made a cake for Pauly and not Mike.
That's what you get for being a [Bleep.]
douche bag.
I'm tired of being the bad dude.
I don't know if I can do it anymore.
She's over there, right there.
Right to your left.
Myself and the unit are ready to gym, tan, tell the truth.
Let's make this happen.
Let's have some fun.
[All shout indistinctly.]
Unit's in front of me walking, and all of a sudden a fight broke out.
It was mayhem.
I can't even move right now.
I'm on the side of the [Bleep.]
fence right now.
Are they fighting? Are they fighting? [Screaming.]
Honestly, I don't care about drama.
I mean, as long as it doesn't concern me and Jionni, I'm fine.
And at this point, I just want to get in the sheets with Jionni.
I don't care about anything else but me and Jionni smushing.
[Overlapping shouting.]
If he got thrown out, he got thrown out.
We cannot let him come back in.
I find out that unit just got kicked out of the club.
And now I'm pissed as hell.
Rip off.
Are you kidding me, dog? You kidding me, dog? There's no difference with anybody else.
I didn't even get a chance.
Nicole is definitely not off the hook.
The summer just started.
[Distant police siren wails.]
Here's my room.
Um, I can't get it off.
This girl is vinny's type to a tee.
So I smashed her as a perfect way to honor vinny.
[Phone trilling.]
- Hello? Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Fine.
How are you? - How's everything? - Good.
- How's the kids? - Fine.
They must be getting big now, huh? - Huh? - Can I have a cab? [Edgy rock music plays.]
It was crazy last night.
I'm definitely a little tired.
And the last thing I want to do is work at the t-shirt shop right now.
Do you need any help? SheShe's right there.
[Blows vuvuzela.]
No sleeping at work.
Oh, my God.
I've never You didn't tell us to get off break yet.
Break's 10, 15 minutes, not half an hour.
I always get stuck working with Mike and jenni all the time.
They don't do anything.
Like, they just stand there.
There are definitely some cute new chicks at the Shore store right now.
I have an incentive right now.
I work for incentives.
Yeah, I think it fits.
Yeah.
Mike! What would you like on them? What do you recommend? I'll just get it Maybe "situation.
" - Whatever you want.
- Yes.
So next time on the show, you should wear them.
Yeah? Okay.
I met this cutie, from Bosnia, I believe.
Now she's got "I love situation" Booty shorts.
I want grilled cheese.
Giving me her number right now, and telling me she wanted grilled cheese in the morning.
Don't worry.
In the morning.
With no crust.
I mean, that's just the truth right there.
[Laughs.]
You suckered me in.
I'm a sweetheart.
[Laughs.]
[Phone trilling.]
You're calling vin? Yeah, come in here.
Hello? - What's up, buddy? - What's up, my dude? How are you feeling? Feeling better, you know, day by day.
Um, sorry I didn't get to say good-bye to you guys.
No, it's cool.
We miss you though.
It's not the same without you here.
Vinny's been my friend since day one in this house, you know, and I love the kid, so it hurts me to see him like that.
- How was the weekend? - The weekend was good.
I smashed a girl in your honor in your bed.
She was a cougar with tattoos.
Ah, thank you.
I made her call me vinny and everything.
[Laughs.]
I think Pauly and Ron are having the most difficult time dealing with vinny not being here.
Sucks, like, that they're missing their best friend.
How are you doing, good? You fighting with your boyfriend or what? Everything's fine.
I just want you to come back.
I mean, even though I have a boyfriend, I'll always have that special place in my heart for vinny.
And the fact that he's not here, you know, who am I going to, you know, flirt with? Just talked to vinny.
Oh.
What'd he say? He's not coming back anytime soon.
That sucks.
Can we just talk in the room? - I have no time to talk to anybody at 4:00 in the morning.
[Knock on door.]
[Indistinct.]
I want to hang out with Mike then, if you're going to go to bed.
If she's not DTF to Pauly Like, really? You're DTF for Mike? Like, that's absurd.
All: Surprise! - Could not believe my eyes.
Best gift I ever had in my life.
Guys, we're leaving! Wow, you just woke me the [Bleep.]
up.
Ooh! Somebody smells good.
Everybody's kind of down.
We miss vinny.
But it's about time to turn this [Bleep.]
around.
It's fricking my birthday.
Break out of your funk! I'm fine.
You go [Bleep.]
dance.
The scene at aztec It is crowded.
And all of a sudden, I look to my left, and I see this Bosnian girl from the Shore store.
She's actually, um I think she's kind of cute.
What are we cheering to? Grilled cheese, no crust.
- Snuggle naked.
- Snuggle naked? Yeah, that's always good.
[Techno music plays.]
I've been looking for you all [Bleep.]
day! Aw, hell, yeah.
I'm definitely excited to see Paula.
I guess you'd have to say that Paula is my main squeeze right now.
The body on that girl Ooh, sheesh! This Bosnian girl, she's flirting with me in the beginning of the night, and now I'm walking away from her to go to Paula.
I got to share sometimes, so I'm happy to pass the torch, Pauly, it's your birthday.
Happy birthday to you I'm a nice girl.
I'm European, remember? Where you from? - From Bosnia.
- All right.
I'm having a great time at aztec right now.
We're drinking, we're dancing.
It's just turning into a fabulous night.
I know you! My brother! So I see this Joey kid.
I flirted with his twin last year.
Do you want to kiss me? Yeah.
You're the cuter one, I feel.
I'm just like Typical.
Typical deena scenario.
This is my friend Joey.
He's coming home with me.
Okay.
I'm going to dial you up.
There you go.
Oh, ho, ho, yeah! Real nice, huh? Real nice.
You have such a cute smile.
No, stop it.
Now you're making me blush.
This Bosnian chick is so persistent.
I'm like, "this girl must want to do something.
" Yo, let's get outta here.
Yeah? Let's go.
My 31st birthday I need to get laid.
If this girl's going to try so hard to go out of her way to come out with me, I'll take her home.
My room's the cleanest place in the house.
Do yourself a favor Don't go anywhere in the house except my room.
Swear to God.
You'll see why.
I'll show you.
- You're single, right? - Yeah.
- No girlfriend? Oh.
- Nah.
So you're going to eat while I shower? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Have a good night.
So what kind of guy are you? - I'm a good guy.
- Are you? Even though, like, I look like I'm a nutcase, I'm actually a good girl.
Good night.
You can come to bed or I can call you a cab.
It's up to you.
Poor Pauly's about to go to bed and this girl looks like a lost puppy, like doesn't know what to do with herself.
Can we just talk in the room? I'll call the cab.
I have no time to talk to anybody at 4:00 in the morning.
It should be against the law to come to my house at 4:00 in the morning, on my birthday, and not give me birthday sex.
Can I have a cab? - 1209 ocean terrace? - Yep.
For one Bosnian.
- Excuse me? - One person.
- Oh, my God.
- What? Pauly's girl.
It's his birthday.
He needs to get it in What is this girl No, she's a [Indistinct.]
.
No, she's not.
- Is she cool? - She's not DTF.
Oh, she's not? It was nice to meet you.
Take care.
- Okay.
- Good night.
Okay.
She seems like a nice girl though.
She is.
That's why she doesn't belong here.
- Exactly.
- No offense, Paula.
Hey.
Yeah, you're good.
Paula, you and Mike have, like, a relationship.
I think Mike likes Paula.
I don't know if maybe 'cause she's easy to bring home.
She's like a hippie.
Anything goes with Paula.
Like, she's a hippie.
But I think deep down Mike likes Paula.
He must like you if he keeps going back to the Paula.
You just do whatever you want.
That's why I like you, 'cause you're so, like, nonchalant about [Bleep.]
.
You just don't care.
Everything's fine.
When you care about things, then you get hurt.
- Yeah.
- I can't have that anymore.
Oh, no, girl.
You have a good attitude.
Keep it up.
I'll do my best.
I actually really like Paula.
She may be dirty and grimy and disgusting, but she's just a nice girl.
But we'll see what happens with Paula and Mike.
When you're done, just jump in the bed.
Okay.
[Knock on door.]
Oh, my God.
Can ICan I talk? Can I come inside? What's up? I don't want to go home yet.
[Bleep.]
What do you want to do? I want to hang out with Mike, then, if you're going to go to bed.
Go hang out with Mike.
[Laughs.]
He's busy though.
Who does this girl think she is, like, coming back into this house? And, I mean, if she's not DTF to Pauly Like, really? You're DTF for Mike? Like, that's absurd.
That's just crazy [Bleep.]
.
Let's just hang out.
Well I mean Is Paula still here? - Paula? - Yeah.
Where is she? Shower.
Is she really? So are you with Paula? I'm just curious.
She's not DTF? She definitely is, but we get along.
You know what I mean? Like, she's a cool chick, you know? So I guess.
I don't know, right? Maybe, uh Maybe we made the wrong choice.
Who knows, you know? Maybe we made the wrong choice.
I always like to keep my options open, but at the end of the day, I wasn't going to leave Paula.
You know what I'm saying? She's, like, AAA, you know? You call her, she's there.
[Laughs.]
- The girl came and left again.
- What girl? - Pauly's girl.
- Oh, she bounced? Again.
I'm being honest.
There definitely is a little room for Paula in this crazy heart of mine.
The "sitch" could get wifed up.
Who knows? You never know.
I mean, I'm not going to lie.
I actually would love a girlfriend, you know? And me and Paula have been hanging out a lot, and getting along very well.
So who knows? Happy birthday.
[Cheering, applause.]
I mean, it's my birthday, Pauly's birthday.
And I'm like, "what about me?" Thank you for the cake.
It actually hurts me to think that people don't care.
Maybe I'm just jealous.
I don't know.
[Groans.]
And we're down to six.
What? You want to call a cab? Okay.
Happy birthday.
Me and Paula, you know, our relationship is definitely good.
- Good-bye.
- Bye, sweetie.
But it didn't hit that step where we're boyfriend-girlfriend yet.
- You ready? - Not really.
[Belches.]
Oh! So I wake up this morning.
It's officially my birthday.
I wish vinny was here.
Like, it's just not the same without vinny.
[Laughs.]
[Distant murmuring.]
Open the door and then [Knocks on door.]
All: Surprise! I could not believe my eyes.
My mother brought all of Rhode island with her.
She brought both my aunt Paulas, my aunt Janice, my uncle George.
Um, big Jerry's there.
It's an unbelievable feeling to see my family right now on my birthday.
They literally brought my birthday to Jersey.
- Oh, yes.
- That's the hot tub.
The infamous hot tub.
I don't even want to touch it.
- [Laughs.]
- It is his birthday, right? And mama Dukes though, she's got a good present for you.
I want to give you one first right away, okay? There you go.
[Laughs.]
- It's an infamous hot tub.
- Yep.
[Shouting and laughter.]
- Look at my hair! - That's why I'm here.
Look at my hair! My mother pulled together and made it happen.
She brought my barber here to cut my hair for my birthday.
Best gift I ever had in my life.
- Hey, buddy! - Happy birthday! That's the best present I ever had! [Laughter.]
This is definitely the happiest that Pauly's been since vinny left.
New haircut, big Jerry's there, his family's there.
This is the best gift in the world.
Yeah, buddy.
I told you, ma.
It's been a while.
It's been a long time.
Smiling from cheek to cheek, all over a haircut.
He really loves his hair.
How long you been growing the hair for, Pauly? More than ten years.
I'll never forget when he first started that.
And then I'm like, "what are you doing with your head?" [Laughter.]
Why you put glue on your head? What is that? [Applause.]
All right.
I'm going to do my hair now.
I love my mom and family, but my barber really made my birthday happen.
I'm back to being FTD Fresh to death.
I'm the freshest person in seaside again.
Wow, yeah.
What's the deal? I'm going to meet the fam at rivoli's for dinner.
You guys want to come? Yeah.
This is the first year that we're celebrating myself and Pauly's birthday all together, so it would have been nice for my family to come for a birthday dinner, but maybe next year.
I'm going to see you guys in a little bit, all right? All right.
So, like, are we still throwing a party? - Mm-hmm.
- We are? Me and you, we have to interview the strippers.
Me and the girls are planning a big surprise party for Pauly and Mike.
We definitely need at least two strippers to pull this party off.
This is going to be one for the books.
- We are on break? - Yeah.
You guys can go on break right now.
Go grab something to drink.
[Laughs.]
We have to call strippers.
We'll get hot ones and, like, one [Bleep.]
that's hot.
I mean, I know I'm not the smartest crayon in the box, but this isn't rocket scientists.
Like, we can make a party.
So what I'm thinking is we should call the pimp place or whatever.
That's prostitution.
- Yeah.
- That's, like, weird.
Oh, I don't know if it's called a pimp place.
- Just do a stripper club.
- It's like a stripper joint.
Try and get some nice Transsexuals.
Mike would be like, "oh, hey!" A new Jersey turnpike mate.
You know.
[Seagulls call.]
So we're going to have this huge dinner at rivoli's for my birthday.
I'm going to meet my whole family there.
Right now, the only thing missing to this dinner to make it perfect is my boy vinny.
Salud.
Happy birthday.
He's been dying to meet my family, dying to hang out with my family.
And it's my fricking birthday, and my best friend's not here.
I need a pitchfork and a shovel.
What do you do with this thing? - Told you.
- Wow.
- That's ridiculous.
- [Laughs.]
You're laughing.
Wait till you see your dish.
That's ridiculous.
The lobster's the size of Snooki.
What is going on? [Laughter.]
I'm, you know, definitely very agitated right now.
I mean, it's my birthday, Pauly's birthday, and I see Pauly smiling, and I'm like, "yo, what about me?" Excuse me, guys.
Mike's doing the fricking dip.
Mike dips out.
Where he goes, I have no idea.
Oh! Oh! [Cheers and applause.]
I guess it's wishing you had something you don't.
Pauly's got his friends and family.
I feel like I have nobody.
I'm like a house with no legs right now.
Not sturdy.
[Applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm glad you guys got to come down.
All: Happy birthday.
- Yay, yay, yay.
[Applause.]
Oh, yeah, that's good cake.
[Laughter.]
[Snoring.]
That was a good birthday.
[Snoring.]
Oh, listen.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
[Snoring.]
Listen to that.
It's so loud.
I got to sleep with that.
Oh, man.
Somebody get some shaving cream.
[Laughter.]
Put some cake on him.
He sleeps like this.
I want to see.
I got to see that one.
Who sleeps through this? [Laughter.]
All: happy birthday to you I mean, it's my birthday, Pauly's birthday, and I see Pauly smiling, and I'm like, "yo, what about me?" [Laughter.]
Who's great idea was it to put cake on my face? Pauly's birthday cake It may taste good, but it doesn't look good.
And I'm upset right now.
This is legit right now.
I love cake decorating.
Pauly and the boys aren't home, so the meatballs decide to make the cake.
And I'm like, "I want to frost it.
" I want to make this cake look cute for Pauly's birthday.
Hey, Mike, we don't need help.
It's all right.
Mike's here? Oh, they're back.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, of course.
The girls made, you know, Pauly's birthday cake.
I'm just like, "you know what? Like, I must be the devil in this house.
" Hey, who made that? We did! Wow, look at that haircut.
- Sam did the icing.
- That's sick.
Wow, that's dope.
You like? There's a good guy and a bad guy in the movie.
And in this house, there's a good guy and there's a bad guy.
So Pauly's the good guy and it seems like I'm the bad guy a lot of the times.
[Groans.]
Thank you for the cake.
Of course.
I love you.
Thank you.
Love you too.
Well, obviously Mike knows that we all like Pauly better than him.
So the fact that we made a cake for Pauly and not Mike That's what you get for being a [Bleep.]
douche bag.
[Snoring.]
Ah.
My ass is, like, protruding.
- What? - Protruding.
Word of the day Use it.
In what context? Like, "my [Bleep.]
just protruded" 'cause I had [Bleep.]
sex.
" Come on.
[Giggles.]
Did you have a good birthday? Mmm.
Got your hair cut, all your friends were down there, and you had a nice dinner, presents.
Good birthday.
Yeah.
Good dinner.
[Soft groan.]
Seems like we celebrated Pauly's birthday over and over again.
Maybe I'm just jealous.
I don't know.
Do you know where the keys are? Well, they're obviously in my hands.
- Busted big time.
- We're leaving.
What do you mean you're leaving? We're leaving.
Are we going? No, you guys go.
I have my running shoes on.
[Laughs.]
Okay.
Bye, guys.
- Bye-bye.
- It's cool.
- I'm just, like, tone-deaf and stupid when it comes to Mike at this point.
It's like, "what the hell happened to this kid?" [Sighs.]
[Groans.]
Ever since Italy, Mike's being, like, crazy weird.
We don't know what's up with Mike.
I'm trying to hold it in right now.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and it actually hurts me to think that people don't care.
Yeah.
I could walk by myself, but at the end of the day, I just I'm just very, uh Very emotional dude, you know? And I'm starting to see that no matter how good I am, I'm never seen as the good guy.
I'm always seen as somebody that's going to be bad.
I don't know what just happened.
He's in a funk.
And that's why I've been a little upset.
There's always going to be drama with the roommates, but I'm tired of being the bad dude.
[Gasps.]
[Laughs.]
Oh! [Both laugh.]
- Bull's-eye, kid! - Yes! Oh, Mike did a dip.
- No, he didn't.
- Mm-hmm.
- No, he didn't.
- Uh-huh.
He's not here? Sometimes I do really feel bad for Mike.
But it's like, "why do you alienate yourself?" Like, he's just doing it to himself.
- What happened? - Mike's gone.
- What? - Did the dip.
Oh, come on.
Really? Like, I get vinny's anxiety, and I get that he wanted to go.
We're supporting vinny and his problems.
Mike just pulled a douche bag move.
He just dipped out.
And we're down to six.
Dropping like flies.
- Oh, dear.
- What's going on? Vinny's not around.
I haven't seen Mike at all.
I'm looking for more people right now.
New roommates? [Cheering.]
- Happy birthday! - Sit in it! I was not expecting another party.
[Cheering.]
I see, like, a chick fight.
Then I look over.
I'm like, "holy [Bleep.]
, it's Sam.
" - Go get vinny.
- We're going to staten island and kidnapping your ass, bitch.
[Chanting.]
Vinny, vinny, vinny! [Knocks on door.]
- U.
P.
S.
! - There's no one home?