Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s05e03 Episode Script
Kept Imam
( ) Hey, what's in the news? Oh, big, big stuff.
Turns out that two-headed, two-tailed snake that Joe found was actually two snakes.
Speaking of two-for-one, come to daddy! You're reading the flyers? Well, there's two-for-one pork chops at Eatie Meaties.
You're not going to need that, right? - May I? - Help yourself.
You know who else used to love coupons? My 90-year-old nani.
Really? Mine too! Yes, Granny Entwhistle and I, we used to organize them by section and store.
Oh, those golden Sundays Wait, you're mocking me.
Sorry, it's just that I don't consider you the coupon-clipping type.
Haven't you heard? Jesus saves.
You know, he could feed a family of 400 for as little as two bucks.
Which, ironically, was a lot of money back then.
I don't think that's historically accurate.
Records are sketchy.
The point is times are tough, money is tight.
Yes, for all of us.
Especially since I bought Rayyan that engagement ring.
Bartlett pears? Back when I was at the firm, that wouldn't have been a problem.
But you don't become an Imam for the money.
Which is why you should respect the coupon.
I mean, last week I bought all my groceries for 50 bucks.
Yeah, but - 50 bucks? - Mmm-hmm.
Huh Dibs! It's my paper, so they're my coupons.
Amaar, come on.
(Laugh) Let's be mature about this, all right? Ahem, there's something on your, uh (Singsong) Sucker! ( ) ( ) Whoa-ho! Snazzy shoes.
I've been eyeing those bad boys for months.
Are they as comfortable as the ads say? Ah, yes, "Like wearing chubby little cows on your feet.
" They really need to work on their slogan.
How does a small town Imam afford designer shoes? I mean, those big city Imams, sure.
I mean, those cats are probably loaded.
But you? They were a gift from Rayyan.
Oh! Of course, right, yeah, your sugar momma.
What? Rayyan is not my sugar momma.
Oh, your mouth says no, no, but your shoes say Rayyan is a sugar momma.
Actually, giving gifts is encouraged in Islam.
Oh, of course, yeah.
I know how much you people love packages, huh? "Oh, I think it's a clock!" Fred! Relax, will you? You got any idea how lucky you are, huh? I wish I had a sugar momma.
Maybe Rayyan could buy me one.
Rayyan is not my sugar momma.
Right! And you're not a kept Imam.
What was that? - What was what? - The wink.
- What wink? - That wink! Oh, did I wink? Fred, you're an idiot.
Oh, am I? (Chuckling) Huh.
( ) Faisal, want to play dominos? No.
I am tired of your ruthless slam downs.
- Tsk.
- Sorry.
I don't suppose you want to play dominos.
Ah, thanks for the offer, but I'm not into tiresome games with people I don't much care for.
Ah, don't worry.
Faisal won't be there.
I'm not being clear.
Ah, no, I don't do dominos.
I was whelped and weaned on Gorens.
Gorens? You mean bridge? I'm surprised you got that.
That was meant to go right over your beanie.
- I love bridge.
- Really? Someone in this town who actually plays bridge? Huh, there's hope for civilization after all.
Ha, ha! You did not expect a brownie to crush you whities at your own game.
I am that brownie.
And I accept your challenge, brownie.
Only I can call me brownie.
Right.
Sorry.
So, bridge, my place, sundown? - To the death! - To the death? Fine.
Uh Loser buys snacks! Sure.
( ) Hey, Rev, I'm taking a break.
You want to grab a coffee? No time.
I need to find a top-notch bridge partner.
Bridge? Like the card game bridge? Because I love card games, all card games.
Maybe Fred, he's a fierce competitor.
He loves to win.
I won a spelling bee.
- Good for you.
- Grade three, but still, it was a tough word.
Ukulele.
(Clearing throat) From the Hawaiian.
A four-stringed guitar.
The luau took off I don't need you to use it in a sentence.
uku la-ly.
What I need is someone who's good with numbers.
Now, what about Joe? As we all know, he's a math whiz.
The square root of 9834 is 57.
That's amazing! And hard to confirm.
Rev, have you thought that maybe your dream bridge partner is right under your nose? Yousef! Oh, sure he's likeable, but bridge is a complicated game.
Strong two, weak three, thirteen or better to open.
- You play bridge? - Yes! Do you think you could teach Yousef? Just pick me! You? You want to be my partner? Of course! Why didn't you say something? ( ) Salaam aleikum.
Waleikum salaam.
Hey, snazzy shoes! Thank you.
My beautiful fiancée got them for me.
Oh, well, I'm sure it was her pleasure.
She's engaged to a wonderful man.
(Chuckling) Good morning, Fred.
Oh, morning, sugar.
(Coughing) Momma.
Fatima, I'm going to get my sandwich and coffee to go today.
I have some patients waiting already.
Oh, I will get that for you.
(Chuckling) Oh.
I thought there was a ten in here.
I've heard that one before.
No, I can No problem.
Let me get yours too.
Momma.
(Clearing throat) Are you sure? Of course.
Anything for my future husband.
Oh, thank you.
That's very generous of you.
(Coughing) Momma.
- (Hacking) - We get it, Fred! No something went down wrong! (Coughing) Little water here! ( ) Ann: Rev, it's so nice of you to host these rubbers for us.
Ah, it's the least I can do in exchange for trouncing you both.
- Oh! - Ah, we will be the ones trouncing you! We'll see.
Sarah should be here any minute.
Wait, wait, wait please tell me Sarah is bringing your partner.
No, Sarah is my partner.
Please tell me that Sarah is bringing your partner whose name also is Sarah, but whom we have never met.
No, just regular Sarah.
Oh-h, beating Sarah is like taking cabbage from a baby! Don't you mean candy? No, I'd like to take candy from a baby.
Cabbage makes me gassy.
Easy now, Baber, you're talking about my best friend who stinks at bridge! I don't understand.
She knows all the rules.
I know all the rules to cricket.
That does not make me Imran Khan.
I don't know who that is.
Ann: And the worst thing: she doesn't care if she wins or loses.
What? You mean Yes, to her, bridge is just a game.
Dear God! Hey, guys! Ann: Sarah Hamoudi! My best friend in the whole world.
- Awww! - Sister Sarah.
Look what I've got! Nanaimos! Ooh! Look at that! Oh, this is going to be so much fun.
Yeah-h! - Look at that! - A perfect night! (Muttering) In hell.
( ) Light good? Umm Actually, I liked my bank balance better when I couldn't see it.
Amaar sad? Hey, your English is improving.
I have a new hat on my bucket.
Uh-huh Amaar sad? Talk Yousef? You wouldn't understand.
Look, it's just that I know it shouldn't matter that I have no money.
I guess I just want to show that I can provide for my fiancée.
You have no idea what I'm saying.
Rayyan, money.
Amaar, no money.
Amaar sad.
( ) Rev.
Thorne: Uhh.
Ohh-h Well I'm sorry.
No, no, no! You just trumped your own trick again! It's like winning twice.
It's more like losing by 800 points.
I forgot what a kick I get out of playing bridge.
Who wants more soda? No tha all right, well, at least you're having fun.
Somebody kill me now? This is why we quit playing bridge in the first place! Don't worry.
Next time we'll replace her with someone else.
- Anyone else.
- Baber: A wonderful idea.
And you know what your reward is for having such a wonderful idea? I get to tell her she can't come anymore? Yeah.
Yeah.
( ) Oh, Sarah! What a surprise to run into you right where you are every morning at this time.
Oh, Reverend.
Thank you so much for last night.
Yea uh, bridge! She's talking about bridge.
I can't wait for the next game.
Right, uh, about the next game, there's a bit of a problem.
- Really, there is? - Yeah, well, there's just one person at the table who didn't quite, um, fit in.
Oh, that.
I know.
Baber totally wrecked the whole bridge night.
Baber? Uh, no, Baber is an aggressive bidder who knows his way around a finesse.
I know, he's terrible.
But you can't kick him out.
It would crush him.
Well, surely he'd get over it.
Oh, I can't see how.
Well, I suppose there's nothing we can do.
Well, you could say that something came up and cancel the evening and then have the game behind his back.
Would that work? Yes, of course, but it would be wrong.
But, and let me be perfectly clear about this, it would work? Reverend, what are you saying? Well Sarah, I hate to tell you, but the game has been cancelled.
What? Why? Well, something came up! Oh, what a shame! Yeah, but your feelings are okay, right? Sure, I mean, of course, it's not like it's anything personal.
Rain check? Yes, absolutely.
Oh, I can't wait for the next match.
(Soft ) Wow, Amaar.
This place is so nice.
Yeah, I read about it in the paper.
They said it was amazing.
Whoa.
Consider me amazed.
Are you sure this isn't a little out of your price range? Don't worry about it, I have come prepared.
- Okay.
- Welcome to Sir Stanley's.
May I take your order? Yes, I will have the chef's salad.
Rayyan, you don't have to order the cheapest thing on the menu, we can afford a real meal.
- Are you sure? - Sky's the limit.
Okay, I actually had my eye on the bison steak, and, uh, for a drink I feel like something fun.
A virgin margarita.
Excellent choice, Madame.
And for Sir? Um, is the salmon fresh? Always, Sir.
Then I will have a chef's salad.
Excellent.
And then? Just a salad.
I see.
Wow.
And to drink? Water.
- Okay, sparkling or - Tap.
Well, I hope you and your sister enjoy your evening.
Oh no, he's my fiancé.
Lucky girl.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
( ) Yeah, had me quite a little lay-down there, huh? Cross-ruffed the diamonds and spades, pulled the last heart and ran my clubs.
(Chuckling) Beat you like a dozen eggs.
Ha-hah, now, this is bridge! I have to admit, when people play the game properly it even takes the sting out of losing.
No, no.
There it is.
Hey, you know, uh, Rev, (Clearing throat) I, uh I joined a health club recently.
Actually, I joined three clubs at the same time.
Three clubs.
(Clearing throat) Didn't have the heart to pick just one.
Stop it.
So how did you break the news to Sarah? I just told her the game was cancelled.
- Cowardly.
- Yeah.
I like it.
Shamefully dishonest, but with a certain elegance.
Yeah, once again, Reverend Thorne is the all-conquering hero Hi, Sarah.
I got this.
Sarah, it's not how it looks.
You're playing bridge without me.
Okay, it's exactly how it looks.
You lied to me.
You lied to her? As her best friend, I am appalled.
Sarah's not playing, is she? I've heard the stories.
Sarah, look, In my defence, I didn't expect you to find out.
I brought you these cookies for being such a good sport last night.
Sarah ( ) She's making it very hard to enjoy these cookies.
Mmm.
Oh.
Sir Stanley is a greedy little knight! (Laugh) But I got it covered.
I brought coupons.
Of course you did.
So, this should be just fine, because with this we get a free entree, This one gives us a free dessert.
And the rest is cash, my friend.
Lucky me.
This isn't fair.
I'm the one who had the big dinner.
Why are you so uncomfortable with me paying for stuff? You buy me stuff all the time, the least I can do is buy you dinner once.
I have a good job and very few expenses.
I don't want you to have to slap down your credit card every time I'm in a bind.
I'm so sorry, sir.
But, these coupons are only good Tuesday through Friday - And today is - Saturday.
Yes.
Oh, you're paying.
I win the bet with the chef.
Thank you.
( ) And Abraham gat Isaac.
Isaac begat Jacob.
And uh, well, skip to the end and there's us.
And that's why evolution is a crock, okay? Excuse me.
Amaar, I have a bone to pick with you.
Well, this should be good.
You've been making me a better man.
I've been trying to.
Well, it's working.
- Well, that's good.
- No, it's not! I-I lied to Sarah and now she's hurt or something.
And now I'm wracked with with what I assume is guilt, ever since.
Thanks to you.
I don't believe it.
You actually feel guilty.
Which is ridiculous! I mean, I-I've always gotten along fine, doing and saying the easiest, most self-serving thing until you came along and wrecked it.
(Sigh) Great.
Now I feel bad for blaming you What have you done to me? No offense.
Calm down, Reverend.
You're feeling this way because you did something thoughtless.
- So, to counter it, do something nice.
- Ahh! Well, there is this jacket I've been eyeing for days.
For Sarah.
No, no, it wouldn't suit Sarah.
She doesn't have the shoulders.
No! Do something nice for Sarah.
- Ohh! - Apologize, tell her the truth.
Right, yes, good.
You know, I'd look a lot better apologizing in that jacket.
Hmm.
The Mercy Mosque emergency finance meeting is called to order.
So what is the emergency? Well, It's not an actual emergency.
It's, um it's, um - Just that - Out with it! I need a raise.
Out of the question! We barely have enough money to pay for the upkeep of the Mosque.
I had to use my own money to pay for this gavel.
Why do you need a gavel? (Gavel banging) You are out of order! Look, Baber, my expenses have changed.
I'm getting married.
Exactly.
To a doctor! If anything, we should cut your pay now that you have your own honey mommy.
My what? Your molasses mother.
Rayyan.
She has money, so she takes care of you.
You mean my sugar momma.
Ah, so you admit it! How does little Miss even put up with you? Look, Baber now is not the time.
I'm surprised she does not have a pre-nuptial agreement to protect herself.
A pre-nup? No one would think you were out for her money if she had a pre-nup.
You know what? You're right.
A pre-nup would make our whole situation a lot clearer.
Plus, she would be protected no matter what! Now, back to the finance meeting.
No, another time, Baber.
I've got to draw up a pre-nup.
Meeting adjourned.
( ) - Salaam aleikum, Rayyan.
- Waleikum salaam.
I was just coming to find you.
I'm really sorry about last night.
Don't worry about it, it's no big deal.
Well, it was to me, which is the problem.
A problem that Amaar the Imam couldn't solve.
But Amaar the lawyer could.
What's this? - It's a pre-nup.
- A what? Well, I drew it up really quickly but I should have covered all the bases.
I used to draw these up all the time.
Why would you need a pre-nup? I don't need a pre-nup.
You need a pre-nup.
But this is a document for a rich person who doesn't want to be taken advantage of by a poor person.
Which is perfect.
Because, I'm the poor person that doesn't want to take advantage of you.
- Please, Rayyan.
- Well All you have to do is read it and sign it.
And then we'll both breathe a little easier.
I promise.
Sarah.
Can we talk? Oh look, it's Reverend Liar.
I'm not talking to you.
Well, I I was when I said "Reverend Liar" but now I'm not.
This is me not talking to you.
Sarah, look, I'm sorry I lied.
I should have told you the truth.
- Ha! - Do you forgive me? Oh of course I do.
I can't hold a grudge.
I mean, not convincingly.
Oh, and I'm sorry about the "Reverend Liar" thing.
That was unnecessary.
(Deep breath) Thank you for your honesty.
You're welcome.
Wow.
I told the truth and I-I feel better.
See? - It feels good to be honest.
- Yeah! You're terrible at bridge.
(Gasp) Wha You're right.
That felt great.
Okay, that's more honest.
You ruined it for the rest of us.
Really? Well No, no, wait, wait I would rather play cards with a potato than sit through another night with you! Ohh Ahh oh, but your cookies were delicious.
(Door slams) (Clearing throat) Great.
Now I feel bad again.
Hmm.
A hat! This jacket needs a hat! Rayyan, Awesome Blossom Lick 'em.
Waleikum salaam.
- What? - Never mind.
So, what are you up to? Oh, nothing.
Why would I be up to something? Rayyan, here are those secret law books you wanted.
Great.
So you can research the pre-nuptial agreement your fiancé gave you.
Thanks, Rose.
Don't worry.
It's just between you and me.
Librarian confidentiality.
Has she been here the whole time? - Yes.
- I'll go.
So, Amaar wants you to sign a pre-nup? Well, yeah.
He's concerned that I make more money than he does.
He tried to explain it, but I couldn't follow.
Let me have a look-see.
I've seen plenty of these in my time.
Not bad.
- Okay.
- Not bad at all.
Nothing to worry about.
- For Amaar.
- What do you mean? Well, you keep your share and he keeps his.
That's my fiancé! Always fair! Yeahum, aren't Amaar's parents loaded? He'll inherit that one day and you and the kids will get nothing.
This is crazy.
I'm done with this.
Thanks, Ann.
No prob.
Here's that big book of shirtless firemen you wanted.
Why are you whispering? Let's crack this puppy open.
Hey.
Hey, how'd it go with Sarah? Not great.
You didn't apologize? I did.
And I told her the truth.
- Great.
- Yes, I told her that we thought she was bad at bridge and a burden on the group.
- Not great.
- Yeah, she slammed the door on my face like I was a Girl Guide.
You slam the door on Girl Guides? Well, hey, if their cookies were any good they'd sell them in stores.
Look, Reverend, sometimes doing good is more than being honest.
You have to go out of your way for someone else, even if you don't want to.
Ohh, for heaven's sakes, why's it so complicated? Sometimes doing the right thing requires a little bit of effort.
- Nice hat.
- Oh, really? You like it? Yeah, goes well with this jacket.
See? It's the little things.
( ) Thank you so much for inviting me.
It's our pleasure.
Thorne made us.
It was nothing.
We're here to have fun and that's all that matters.
- Yeah.
- Sarah: Exactly.
- And that's gin! - Son of a That's seven in a row! How do you keep winning? This is much worse than beating you all the time.
Now I'm the baby with the cabbage! Baber's terrible.
We should tell him the game is cancelled.
( ) I'm not signing this.
Oh, oh, it's the fifth clause, isn't it? Because I can fix that No, the whole thing is wrong.
Why do we even need this? Do you care that much about money? Of course not.
I've never thought about money before.
It's just that I suddenly realized that all I'm doing is taking and never giving back.
You are constantly giving: support, spiritual guidance.
Love.
I would trade everything I have for that.
I just want you to be financially secure too.
- What about Khadija? - Khadija? Oh.
The first wife of the Prophet, peace be upon him.
True, she was a wealthy woman.
Who loved the penniless prophet for all that he was and not what he owned.
You make a good point.
In my eyes, I'm the one getting the bargain.
(Soft laugh) Well, I guess that makes me a lucky man.
(Paper tearing) ( ) (Indistinct conversation) Hey, what's up? That is our pre-nup.
Ann: Oh, that can't be good.
Do you have the "no eating in bed" clause? No.
How about the "no sharing razors" clause? No.
Tell me you got the "Porky" clause? I'm afraid to ask.
What's the "Porky" clause? Neither of you can gain more than 30 pounds without paying a penalty.
Our pre-nup is about our finances not some crazy celebrity agreement.
You kids these days.
What do you have? Everything we need.
What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours.
Aww, that's adorable.
Crazy, but adorable.
( ) Subtitle by: Kiasuseven
Turns out that two-headed, two-tailed snake that Joe found was actually two snakes.
Speaking of two-for-one, come to daddy! You're reading the flyers? Well, there's two-for-one pork chops at Eatie Meaties.
You're not going to need that, right? - May I? - Help yourself.
You know who else used to love coupons? My 90-year-old nani.
Really? Mine too! Yes, Granny Entwhistle and I, we used to organize them by section and store.
Oh, those golden Sundays Wait, you're mocking me.
Sorry, it's just that I don't consider you the coupon-clipping type.
Haven't you heard? Jesus saves.
You know, he could feed a family of 400 for as little as two bucks.
Which, ironically, was a lot of money back then.
I don't think that's historically accurate.
Records are sketchy.
The point is times are tough, money is tight.
Yes, for all of us.
Especially since I bought Rayyan that engagement ring.
Bartlett pears? Back when I was at the firm, that wouldn't have been a problem.
But you don't become an Imam for the money.
Which is why you should respect the coupon.
I mean, last week I bought all my groceries for 50 bucks.
Yeah, but - 50 bucks? - Mmm-hmm.
Huh Dibs! It's my paper, so they're my coupons.
Amaar, come on.
(Laugh) Let's be mature about this, all right? Ahem, there's something on your, uh (Singsong) Sucker! ( ) ( ) Whoa-ho! Snazzy shoes.
I've been eyeing those bad boys for months.
Are they as comfortable as the ads say? Ah, yes, "Like wearing chubby little cows on your feet.
" They really need to work on their slogan.
How does a small town Imam afford designer shoes? I mean, those big city Imams, sure.
I mean, those cats are probably loaded.
But you? They were a gift from Rayyan.
Oh! Of course, right, yeah, your sugar momma.
What? Rayyan is not my sugar momma.
Oh, your mouth says no, no, but your shoes say Rayyan is a sugar momma.
Actually, giving gifts is encouraged in Islam.
Oh, of course, yeah.
I know how much you people love packages, huh? "Oh, I think it's a clock!" Fred! Relax, will you? You got any idea how lucky you are, huh? I wish I had a sugar momma.
Maybe Rayyan could buy me one.
Rayyan is not my sugar momma.
Right! And you're not a kept Imam.
What was that? - What was what? - The wink.
- What wink? - That wink! Oh, did I wink? Fred, you're an idiot.
Oh, am I? (Chuckling) Huh.
( ) Faisal, want to play dominos? No.
I am tired of your ruthless slam downs.
- Tsk.
- Sorry.
I don't suppose you want to play dominos.
Ah, thanks for the offer, but I'm not into tiresome games with people I don't much care for.
Ah, don't worry.
Faisal won't be there.
I'm not being clear.
Ah, no, I don't do dominos.
I was whelped and weaned on Gorens.
Gorens? You mean bridge? I'm surprised you got that.
That was meant to go right over your beanie.
- I love bridge.
- Really? Someone in this town who actually plays bridge? Huh, there's hope for civilization after all.
Ha, ha! You did not expect a brownie to crush you whities at your own game.
I am that brownie.
And I accept your challenge, brownie.
Only I can call me brownie.
Right.
Sorry.
So, bridge, my place, sundown? - To the death! - To the death? Fine.
Uh Loser buys snacks! Sure.
( ) Hey, Rev, I'm taking a break.
You want to grab a coffee? No time.
I need to find a top-notch bridge partner.
Bridge? Like the card game bridge? Because I love card games, all card games.
Maybe Fred, he's a fierce competitor.
He loves to win.
I won a spelling bee.
- Good for you.
- Grade three, but still, it was a tough word.
Ukulele.
(Clearing throat) From the Hawaiian.
A four-stringed guitar.
The luau took off I don't need you to use it in a sentence.
uku la-ly.
What I need is someone who's good with numbers.
Now, what about Joe? As we all know, he's a math whiz.
The square root of 9834 is 57.
That's amazing! And hard to confirm.
Rev, have you thought that maybe your dream bridge partner is right under your nose? Yousef! Oh, sure he's likeable, but bridge is a complicated game.
Strong two, weak three, thirteen or better to open.
- You play bridge? - Yes! Do you think you could teach Yousef? Just pick me! You? You want to be my partner? Of course! Why didn't you say something? ( ) Salaam aleikum.
Waleikum salaam.
Hey, snazzy shoes! Thank you.
My beautiful fiancée got them for me.
Oh, well, I'm sure it was her pleasure.
She's engaged to a wonderful man.
(Chuckling) Good morning, Fred.
Oh, morning, sugar.
(Coughing) Momma.
Fatima, I'm going to get my sandwich and coffee to go today.
I have some patients waiting already.
Oh, I will get that for you.
(Chuckling) Oh.
I thought there was a ten in here.
I've heard that one before.
No, I can No problem.
Let me get yours too.
Momma.
(Clearing throat) Are you sure? Of course.
Anything for my future husband.
Oh, thank you.
That's very generous of you.
(Coughing) Momma.
- (Hacking) - We get it, Fred! No something went down wrong! (Coughing) Little water here! ( ) Ann: Rev, it's so nice of you to host these rubbers for us.
Ah, it's the least I can do in exchange for trouncing you both.
- Oh! - Ah, we will be the ones trouncing you! We'll see.
Sarah should be here any minute.
Wait, wait, wait please tell me Sarah is bringing your partner.
No, Sarah is my partner.
Please tell me that Sarah is bringing your partner whose name also is Sarah, but whom we have never met.
No, just regular Sarah.
Oh-h, beating Sarah is like taking cabbage from a baby! Don't you mean candy? No, I'd like to take candy from a baby.
Cabbage makes me gassy.
Easy now, Baber, you're talking about my best friend who stinks at bridge! I don't understand.
She knows all the rules.
I know all the rules to cricket.
That does not make me Imran Khan.
I don't know who that is.
Ann: And the worst thing: she doesn't care if she wins or loses.
What? You mean Yes, to her, bridge is just a game.
Dear God! Hey, guys! Ann: Sarah Hamoudi! My best friend in the whole world.
- Awww! - Sister Sarah.
Look what I've got! Nanaimos! Ooh! Look at that! Oh, this is going to be so much fun.
Yeah-h! - Look at that! - A perfect night! (Muttering) In hell.
( ) Light good? Umm Actually, I liked my bank balance better when I couldn't see it.
Amaar sad? Hey, your English is improving.
I have a new hat on my bucket.
Uh-huh Amaar sad? Talk Yousef? You wouldn't understand.
Look, it's just that I know it shouldn't matter that I have no money.
I guess I just want to show that I can provide for my fiancée.
You have no idea what I'm saying.
Rayyan, money.
Amaar, no money.
Amaar sad.
( ) Rev.
Thorne: Uhh.
Ohh-h Well I'm sorry.
No, no, no! You just trumped your own trick again! It's like winning twice.
It's more like losing by 800 points.
I forgot what a kick I get out of playing bridge.
Who wants more soda? No tha all right, well, at least you're having fun.
Somebody kill me now? This is why we quit playing bridge in the first place! Don't worry.
Next time we'll replace her with someone else.
- Anyone else.
- Baber: A wonderful idea.
And you know what your reward is for having such a wonderful idea? I get to tell her she can't come anymore? Yeah.
Yeah.
( ) Oh, Sarah! What a surprise to run into you right where you are every morning at this time.
Oh, Reverend.
Thank you so much for last night.
Yea uh, bridge! She's talking about bridge.
I can't wait for the next game.
Right, uh, about the next game, there's a bit of a problem.
- Really, there is? - Yeah, well, there's just one person at the table who didn't quite, um, fit in.
Oh, that.
I know.
Baber totally wrecked the whole bridge night.
Baber? Uh, no, Baber is an aggressive bidder who knows his way around a finesse.
I know, he's terrible.
But you can't kick him out.
It would crush him.
Well, surely he'd get over it.
Oh, I can't see how.
Well, I suppose there's nothing we can do.
Well, you could say that something came up and cancel the evening and then have the game behind his back.
Would that work? Yes, of course, but it would be wrong.
But, and let me be perfectly clear about this, it would work? Reverend, what are you saying? Well Sarah, I hate to tell you, but the game has been cancelled.
What? Why? Well, something came up! Oh, what a shame! Yeah, but your feelings are okay, right? Sure, I mean, of course, it's not like it's anything personal.
Rain check? Yes, absolutely.
Oh, I can't wait for the next match.
(Soft ) Wow, Amaar.
This place is so nice.
Yeah, I read about it in the paper.
They said it was amazing.
Whoa.
Consider me amazed.
Are you sure this isn't a little out of your price range? Don't worry about it, I have come prepared.
- Okay.
- Welcome to Sir Stanley's.
May I take your order? Yes, I will have the chef's salad.
Rayyan, you don't have to order the cheapest thing on the menu, we can afford a real meal.
- Are you sure? - Sky's the limit.
Okay, I actually had my eye on the bison steak, and, uh, for a drink I feel like something fun.
A virgin margarita.
Excellent choice, Madame.
And for Sir? Um, is the salmon fresh? Always, Sir.
Then I will have a chef's salad.
Excellent.
And then? Just a salad.
I see.
Wow.
And to drink? Water.
- Okay, sparkling or - Tap.
Well, I hope you and your sister enjoy your evening.
Oh no, he's my fiancé.
Lucky girl.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
( ) Yeah, had me quite a little lay-down there, huh? Cross-ruffed the diamonds and spades, pulled the last heart and ran my clubs.
(Chuckling) Beat you like a dozen eggs.
Ha-hah, now, this is bridge! I have to admit, when people play the game properly it even takes the sting out of losing.
No, no.
There it is.
Hey, you know, uh, Rev, (Clearing throat) I, uh I joined a health club recently.
Actually, I joined three clubs at the same time.
Three clubs.
(Clearing throat) Didn't have the heart to pick just one.
Stop it.
So how did you break the news to Sarah? I just told her the game was cancelled.
- Cowardly.
- Yeah.
I like it.
Shamefully dishonest, but with a certain elegance.
Yeah, once again, Reverend Thorne is the all-conquering hero Hi, Sarah.
I got this.
Sarah, it's not how it looks.
You're playing bridge without me.
Okay, it's exactly how it looks.
You lied to me.
You lied to her? As her best friend, I am appalled.
Sarah's not playing, is she? I've heard the stories.
Sarah, look, In my defence, I didn't expect you to find out.
I brought you these cookies for being such a good sport last night.
Sarah ( ) She's making it very hard to enjoy these cookies.
Mmm.
Oh.
Sir Stanley is a greedy little knight! (Laugh) But I got it covered.
I brought coupons.
Of course you did.
So, this should be just fine, because with this we get a free entree, This one gives us a free dessert.
And the rest is cash, my friend.
Lucky me.
This isn't fair.
I'm the one who had the big dinner.
Why are you so uncomfortable with me paying for stuff? You buy me stuff all the time, the least I can do is buy you dinner once.
I have a good job and very few expenses.
I don't want you to have to slap down your credit card every time I'm in a bind.
I'm so sorry, sir.
But, these coupons are only good Tuesday through Friday - And today is - Saturday.
Yes.
Oh, you're paying.
I win the bet with the chef.
Thank you.
( ) And Abraham gat Isaac.
Isaac begat Jacob.
And uh, well, skip to the end and there's us.
And that's why evolution is a crock, okay? Excuse me.
Amaar, I have a bone to pick with you.
Well, this should be good.
You've been making me a better man.
I've been trying to.
Well, it's working.
- Well, that's good.
- No, it's not! I-I lied to Sarah and now she's hurt or something.
And now I'm wracked with with what I assume is guilt, ever since.
Thanks to you.
I don't believe it.
You actually feel guilty.
Which is ridiculous! I mean, I-I've always gotten along fine, doing and saying the easiest, most self-serving thing until you came along and wrecked it.
(Sigh) Great.
Now I feel bad for blaming you What have you done to me? No offense.
Calm down, Reverend.
You're feeling this way because you did something thoughtless.
- So, to counter it, do something nice.
- Ahh! Well, there is this jacket I've been eyeing for days.
For Sarah.
No, no, it wouldn't suit Sarah.
She doesn't have the shoulders.
No! Do something nice for Sarah.
- Ohh! - Apologize, tell her the truth.
Right, yes, good.
You know, I'd look a lot better apologizing in that jacket.
Hmm.
The Mercy Mosque emergency finance meeting is called to order.
So what is the emergency? Well, It's not an actual emergency.
It's, um it's, um - Just that - Out with it! I need a raise.
Out of the question! We barely have enough money to pay for the upkeep of the Mosque.
I had to use my own money to pay for this gavel.
Why do you need a gavel? (Gavel banging) You are out of order! Look, Baber, my expenses have changed.
I'm getting married.
Exactly.
To a doctor! If anything, we should cut your pay now that you have your own honey mommy.
My what? Your molasses mother.
Rayyan.
She has money, so she takes care of you.
You mean my sugar momma.
Ah, so you admit it! How does little Miss even put up with you? Look, Baber now is not the time.
I'm surprised she does not have a pre-nuptial agreement to protect herself.
A pre-nup? No one would think you were out for her money if she had a pre-nup.
You know what? You're right.
A pre-nup would make our whole situation a lot clearer.
Plus, she would be protected no matter what! Now, back to the finance meeting.
No, another time, Baber.
I've got to draw up a pre-nup.
Meeting adjourned.
( ) - Salaam aleikum, Rayyan.
- Waleikum salaam.
I was just coming to find you.
I'm really sorry about last night.
Don't worry about it, it's no big deal.
Well, it was to me, which is the problem.
A problem that Amaar the Imam couldn't solve.
But Amaar the lawyer could.
What's this? - It's a pre-nup.
- A what? Well, I drew it up really quickly but I should have covered all the bases.
I used to draw these up all the time.
Why would you need a pre-nup? I don't need a pre-nup.
You need a pre-nup.
But this is a document for a rich person who doesn't want to be taken advantage of by a poor person.
Which is perfect.
Because, I'm the poor person that doesn't want to take advantage of you.
- Please, Rayyan.
- Well All you have to do is read it and sign it.
And then we'll both breathe a little easier.
I promise.
Sarah.
Can we talk? Oh look, it's Reverend Liar.
I'm not talking to you.
Well, I I was when I said "Reverend Liar" but now I'm not.
This is me not talking to you.
Sarah, look, I'm sorry I lied.
I should have told you the truth.
- Ha! - Do you forgive me? Oh of course I do.
I can't hold a grudge.
I mean, not convincingly.
Oh, and I'm sorry about the "Reverend Liar" thing.
That was unnecessary.
(Deep breath) Thank you for your honesty.
You're welcome.
Wow.
I told the truth and I-I feel better.
See? - It feels good to be honest.
- Yeah! You're terrible at bridge.
(Gasp) Wha You're right.
That felt great.
Okay, that's more honest.
You ruined it for the rest of us.
Really? Well No, no, wait, wait I would rather play cards with a potato than sit through another night with you! Ohh Ahh oh, but your cookies were delicious.
(Door slams) (Clearing throat) Great.
Now I feel bad again.
Hmm.
A hat! This jacket needs a hat! Rayyan, Awesome Blossom Lick 'em.
Waleikum salaam.
- What? - Never mind.
So, what are you up to? Oh, nothing.
Why would I be up to something? Rayyan, here are those secret law books you wanted.
Great.
So you can research the pre-nuptial agreement your fiancé gave you.
Thanks, Rose.
Don't worry.
It's just between you and me.
Librarian confidentiality.
Has she been here the whole time? - Yes.
- I'll go.
So, Amaar wants you to sign a pre-nup? Well, yeah.
He's concerned that I make more money than he does.
He tried to explain it, but I couldn't follow.
Let me have a look-see.
I've seen plenty of these in my time.
Not bad.
- Okay.
- Not bad at all.
Nothing to worry about.
- For Amaar.
- What do you mean? Well, you keep your share and he keeps his.
That's my fiancé! Always fair! Yeahum, aren't Amaar's parents loaded? He'll inherit that one day and you and the kids will get nothing.
This is crazy.
I'm done with this.
Thanks, Ann.
No prob.
Here's that big book of shirtless firemen you wanted.
Why are you whispering? Let's crack this puppy open.
Hey.
Hey, how'd it go with Sarah? Not great.
You didn't apologize? I did.
And I told her the truth.
- Great.
- Yes, I told her that we thought she was bad at bridge and a burden on the group.
- Not great.
- Yeah, she slammed the door on my face like I was a Girl Guide.
You slam the door on Girl Guides? Well, hey, if their cookies were any good they'd sell them in stores.
Look, Reverend, sometimes doing good is more than being honest.
You have to go out of your way for someone else, even if you don't want to.
Ohh, for heaven's sakes, why's it so complicated? Sometimes doing the right thing requires a little bit of effort.
- Nice hat.
- Oh, really? You like it? Yeah, goes well with this jacket.
See? It's the little things.
( ) Thank you so much for inviting me.
It's our pleasure.
Thorne made us.
It was nothing.
We're here to have fun and that's all that matters.
- Yeah.
- Sarah: Exactly.
- And that's gin! - Son of a That's seven in a row! How do you keep winning? This is much worse than beating you all the time.
Now I'm the baby with the cabbage! Baber's terrible.
We should tell him the game is cancelled.
( ) I'm not signing this.
Oh, oh, it's the fifth clause, isn't it? Because I can fix that No, the whole thing is wrong.
Why do we even need this? Do you care that much about money? Of course not.
I've never thought about money before.
It's just that I suddenly realized that all I'm doing is taking and never giving back.
You are constantly giving: support, spiritual guidance.
Love.
I would trade everything I have for that.
I just want you to be financially secure too.
- What about Khadija? - Khadija? Oh.
The first wife of the Prophet, peace be upon him.
True, she was a wealthy woman.
Who loved the penniless prophet for all that he was and not what he owned.
You make a good point.
In my eyes, I'm the one getting the bargain.
(Soft laugh) Well, I guess that makes me a lucky man.
(Paper tearing) ( ) (Indistinct conversation) Hey, what's up? That is our pre-nup.
Ann: Oh, that can't be good.
Do you have the "no eating in bed" clause? No.
How about the "no sharing razors" clause? No.
Tell me you got the "Porky" clause? I'm afraid to ask.
What's the "Porky" clause? Neither of you can gain more than 30 pounds without paying a penalty.
Our pre-nup is about our finances not some crazy celebrity agreement.
You kids these days.
What do you have? Everything we need.
What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours.
Aww, that's adorable.
Crazy, but adorable.
( ) Subtitle by: Kiasuseven