M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e03 Episode Script
U806 - Out of Sight, Out of Mind
[Radio Announcer.]
Okay.
3-1, Giants.
Two outs, two on, bottom of the ninth.
Three and two on Hodges.
Maglie deals.
It's cut on and belted to deep left field.
Back goes Mueller.
A-way back to the wall! - It's a three-run homer for Gil Hodges! - [Mumbles.]
She's gone.
The Dodgers go from bums to kings and win it 4-3! Come on, Frank.
Shut up, will ya? Geez, it's 4-3 in the morning.
This game will be rebroadcast at 1200 hours on Armed Forces Radio.
Frank, come on! - ## [Tones.]
- Stop dreaming and go back to sleep.
Oh, that makes good nonsense.
- Hawkeye? - Yeah? - Wake up, Hawkeye.
- The stove in our tent went out.
- Again? - It's freezing in there.
- It's warm in here.
- There are four of us.
I knew I should have gotten a bigger bed.
Can you people hold it down? I mean, show some consideration.
I don't remember leaving a wake-up scream.
Thanks, Hawkeye.
You're the only one who can fix it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
B.
J.
? - Hmm? If I'm not back in five minutes, don't come and get me.
Good night, Frank! Here he is, girls, Handy Andy.
- Hey, Mr.
Fix It.
- Let's hear it for the janitor.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you, Hawkeye.
It's freezing.
- Well, what do you expect? Springtime in Korea.
- [Banging On Metal.]
You should feel honored.
We chose you 'cause you have the best hands in camp.
I try to keep in touch.
- Be careful, Hawkeye.
- [Explosion.]
[Hawkeye Screaming.]
Oh, knock it off, Pierce.
[All Shouting, Indistinct.]
Radar, call the 121 st Evac.
I want their ophthalmologist.
Tell 'em we got a boy with flash burns.
Major James Overman.
Get his keister up here pronto.
- [All Shouting, Indistinct.]
- [Klinger.]
Get him in here, quick! [Hawkeye.]
I can't see anything! Now look, you dumb clerk.
I'll tell you this once and I want you to get it straight.
This is General Walter O'Reilly.
Three stars and real mad.
If Major Overman isn't over here by the time they crack my powdered eggs for breakfast I'll have you digging a latrine for every G.
I.
In Korea! You got that? Good! - How's that feel? - Blind.
Okay, Hawkeye.
You take it easy for a couple of days.
- I'll be back Friday.
- Listen.
One important question.
- Will I get to keep my nickname? - Let's hope so.
Just wondering if I should rent a Seeing Eye dog or buy one.
See you Friday.
Tell me, Sherm.
Where is this General O'Reilly? Who? Oh, well, let me explain.
[Loudly.]
We're really sorry, Hawkeye.
You don't have to shout.
The sides still work.
- We're sorry.
- That's all right.
Next time, get a union man.
Hawk, if there's anything you need Well, if you're going by the P.
X.
, you could get me a coloring book and crayons.
I think you're sick enough to qualify for the big box.
I gotta go.
- B.
J.
? - Yeah? Visit me a couple hundred times, will ya? At least.
- Nurse? Nurse? - What's the matter? My arm's numb.
I think it's asleep.
Let me take a look at it, so to speak.
[Clattering.]
Where are you? - Is there a doctor in the house? - [Frank.]
What is it, Pierce? Oh, Frank, I'm glad you're here.
Go get a doctor.
Now, what are we trying to do with this patient, hmm? Arm wrestle.
Only I have a slight advantage his bandage is too tight.
I'll take care of that.
Now, let's scoot back to our bed.
Okay? We don't want to bother the other patients now, do we? Hmm? Keep it up, Frank.
We'll get our nose busted.
[Clattering.]
Somebody will be with you in a minute, okay? Sorry.
Just bumping through.
Huh.
Claude Rains.
I'm Doctor Pierce.
Anybody home? [Man.]
Hi.
[Sighs.]
Tell me what this says, will you? You're a real funny man, aren't you? Come on, fella, give me a break.
Can't you see I can't see? No.
No, I can't.
I'm sorry.
What happened? A grenade landed I caught most of the stuff in the face.
And you? I offered a light to a temperamental gas heater.
- I didn't get your name.
- Oh, I'm Tom Straw.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
Hawkeye Pierce.
Where you from, Tom? - San Francisco.
- Beautiful city.
Yeah.
I'm looking forward to getting back and not seeing the Golden Gate.
- You trying to depress me? - No, no.
I'm too busy depressing myself.
Look.
You're alive.
Maybe you should feel lucky.
Do you feel lucky, Hawkeye? Not lately.
What'd you do back in San Francisco? - Taught high school English.
- Well, you can still teach.
Be grateful you're not an airline pilot or a truck driver.
Or a doctor.
Right.
Pierce, I thought we agreed we were going to stay in our bed.
No, we agreed that we were going to loosen that kid's bandage.
Did we? - I was on a break.
- Burns, I swear I'm a better doctor blind than you are with both eyes.
- Nurse! - Yes, Doctor.
Kellye, help me re-bandage that kid down there.
Then fill me in on everybody in here.
Frank, you can go back to what you were doing nothing.
Ow! - Where is it? - Right here.
Colonel, how am I supposed to maintain order in there with Pierce stumbling around, trying to help everyone? The nurses can't take a temperature without reporting to him first.
And he's always touching them.
Disgraceful.
He's got no business being in there if he's sick.
- I suggest we ship him back to the 121 st.
- Why? Oh, I'm sure he'd be a lot more comfortable.
I appreciate your concern.
You're right.
- He should be moved.
- Well, thank you.
But I don't think it's necessary to take him any farther than the Swamp.
- But l - And to avoid the inevitable argument dismissed.
"And the rest of the family is doing fine.
San Sandy Falcon," I think - Yeah.
- "Asked about you.
She still sweats" No, no, that's Oh, she's sw"She's still sweet on you.
" Who's Sandy Falcon? A girl who used to dip my pigtails in the inkwell.
So obnoxious, she was voted most likely to marry out of her species.
Oh.
Uh, "Take care, Son.
We're really" - Hold it.
I'm ready to try again.
- Oh, sir.
Come on.
I think I can do it this time.
Come on.
Okay.
Here one, two.
Get outta my light.
- Do I have to chase them again? - No.
Let 'em lay there till they get it right.
- Finish reading the letter.
- Yes, sir.
Um, "Take care, Son.
We're connecting the dogs" That's "counting the days," Doodles.
"We're counting the days.
All my love.
" Major Burns.
- What? - Major Burns is coming this way.
## [Whistling.]
Pierce, you disgust me.
Right, Frank.
I discussed you with everyone I know.
They all think you're disgusting.
Handicapped people usually know how to act properly.
Oh, come on, Frank.
I'm just trying to keep busy.
Look.
I even made your bunk.
Did a good job, Pierce.
But it's not regulation.
The "U.
S.
" Goes on the outside of the blanket.
I wore this with just you in mind.
You make me wanna throw up.
See? It pays to dress.
Hawkeye, did you really make Major Burns's bunk? Why not? I'm used to short-sheeting in the dark.
- It's me, Corporal Klinger.
- I heard the hair on your legs rustling.
Hawk.
Is it okay if I go to the Mess Tent? They got fried shrimp for lunch but you gotta be one of the first six guys in line.
- Bon appetit.
- That mean "yes"? Yes! Yes.
- How you doing, Captain? - I feel as good as I look.
Hey, Klinger, silk, right? Always bright and breezy.
Listen, Captain.
I brought you something.
Good.
Have her sit on the edge of the bed and tell me when you're gone.
Sorry, sir.
All I got for you is this.
In case you ever need us, just toot.
- [Duck Call.]
- Perfect.
It was either that or a howitzer.
- I can't get my lips around a howitzer.
- [Duck Call.]
- Yes, sir.
What can I do for you? - Works like a charm.
Would you like to escort me to the art museum? - We don't have an art museum.
- I'll settle for the latrine.
- Your limo awaits.
- Lead on, MacDuff.
- Don't hit that.
- I'm sorry.
[Klinger.]
Low bridge.
- We're outside.
- Aha.
I bet we're drawing stares from all the other couples.
I look fabulous, but you look a trifle frumpy in your fatigues.
You never looked better to me.
Here we are.
- Need any help in there? - Not since I was two.
Watch your step.
- Corporal Klinger? - Ma'am.
Colonel Potter wants to see you on the double.
He needs your help to pick out a present for his wife.
- I'm kinda busy, Major.
- Are you disobeying an order? All right, but you'll have to stay here and wait for Captain Pierce.
Very well.
- Oh, Margaret.
- That's very good.
It's your perfume Moon Over Fort Dix.
It's Forbidden Furlough.
Where do you wanna go? Mess Tent.
Then after that, we can go over to your place and play blindman's bluff.
- Savage.
- [Grunting, Hooting.]
- Head.
- ## [Singing.]
## [Humming.]
- Here.
You take him.
- Right away, Margaret.
I'll bet I'm the only hot potato in this entire tent.
Here you go, Hawk.
Oh, how convenient.
It's in Braille.
- Now let me tell you what they got.
- No, no.
Let me guess.
- Creamed spinach.
- Incredible.
You can smell it? - No.
I could hear it.
- Uh, try a little of that.
- Last week's bread? - Close.
This week's meat loaf.
What you don't eat, they drop on the North Koreans.
[Announcer.]
Dodgers are down to their last strike - Hodges.
- As Hodges waits on the two-two pitch.
Maglie delivers.
Just inside.
Those Giants stink.
I think the Dodgers will win.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh, what's so funny? Sir, the Giants got 'em 3-1.
All they need is one more out.
Oh.
Oh, well, uh, do you guys ever bet on these things? Okay.
3-1, Giants.
Two outs, two on, bottom of the ninth.
Three and two on Hodges.
Maglie deals.
It's cut on and belted to deep left field.
Back goes Mueller.
A-way back to the wall! It's a three-run homer for Gil Hodges! The Dodgers go from bums to kings and win 4-3! Thanks, suckers.
[Cackles.]
Very good, Frank.
- I bet he could have called that one in his sleep.
- [Frank Cackles.]
Colonel, have I ever told you about our world-famous Crabapple Cove Lobster Festival? Radar.
Go ahead, Hawkeye.
I'm listening.
For two days and two nights, but drink beer and gorge themselves on the biggest, reddest, juiciest lobsters you've ever seen.
And then at sunset Hello, Radar the boats start coming in.
Hold the boats.
Radar, what's this requisition for 300 rubber gloves? We're almost out.
On New Year's Eve, we used them for balloons.
- Oh, yeah.
- I remember one year it got so cold - we bundled up in rubber gloves.
- Right, Hawk.
Get me that requisition for blankets, Radar.
Yes, sir.
Right away.
Where were we? Oh, yeah, the lobster festival.
Right.
One year I went down to a deserted cove with, uh three baskets and a little home wrecker named Sharon.
"Sharon Share Alike" we called her.
We were there for four days.
Never got to the lobster.
[Chuckles.]
Four days and never got to the lobster.
[Duck Call.]
Colonel! Radar! Oh, son, I'm sorry.
I thought I'd only be out for a second.
Forget it.
I just got a little nervous.
It would have been worse if you were here and snoring.
Hawkeye, this is Radar O'Reilly speaking to you now.
- Uh-huh.
How would you like to take me for a little walk, Radar? - Wanna hit some more golf balls? - No.
Post-op.
- Okay.
Colonel, I'll be back to tell you the story about the two priests and a mule.
- You'll get a kick out of it.
- Door's always open.
I hope so.
Otherwise, I'll break my nose.
Radar, how would you like to get your money back with Major Burns? - Is this doing something sneaky? - Of course.
Oh, boy.
- Here's the bedpost.
- Welcome aboard.
Thank you, Radar.
It's been wonderful traveling with you.
- Will you be needing me anymore? - Ah, no - but if you're ever in town again, I'll give you a call.
- [Duck Call.]
- Beej? - Yeah.
How's the Straw kid doing? Okay.
We're about to send him down to the 121 st.
- L-I wanna see him.
- Right away.
- Mr.
Straw.
- Yes.
I have here Hawkeye Pierce, new boy in your English class.
Ah, yes, Pierce.
Third row, second seat, big mouth.
The very same.
How you doing, Tom? Not very well.
I tried to write a letter to my wife this morning.
I only got as far as "Dear Marilyn.
" Try, "Darling, I'm coming home.
" She'll be thrilled.
How thrilled will she be when I tell her the rest? Don't sell her short.
Captain, which one is "Straw, T.
S.
, Lieutenant"? Right here.
- Movin' out, sir.
- Movin' out.
I'd like you to write to me, Hawkeye.
Only if you promise not to send the letters back corrected.
It's a deal.
I really wanna know how things turn out for you.
- Thanks.
- Give my regards to Mill Valley.
And remember me to Union Square.
- So long, guys.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Beej, let's get in the jeep and go for a ride.
You drive.
- Hawkeye - All right.
I'll drive.
Look, will you settle down for five minutes? Sit down.
I know what you're trying to do, and I know how you feel.
No, I don't think you do.
You don't wanna think about what might happen, so you keep running.
No, that's not it.
That's not it.
No.
Look.
Look.
When Doctor Overman comes in here and unwraps my package I hope to God I'll have my sight back but Something fascinating's been happening to me.
What's that, Hawk? One part of the world has closed down for me, but another part has opened up.
Sure, l-I keep picturing myself on a corner with a tin cup selling thermometers, but I'm going through something here I didn't expect.
This morning I spent two incredible hours listening to that that rainstorm.
And l And I didn't just hear it.
I was part of it.
I'll bet you have no idea that that rain hitting the ground makes the same sound as steaks when they're barbecuing.
Or that that thunder seems to echo forever.
And you wouldn't believe what how funny it is to hear somebody slip and fall in the mud.
I bet It had to be Burns.
Beej, this is full of trapdoors, but l-l I think there may almost be some kind of advantage in this.
I've never spent a more conscious day in my life.
All right, Pierce.
This area's been deemed off-limits to personnel in your condition and I'm giving you one minute to clear out, starting now.
- Frank - Fifty-five seconds and counting.
- Frank, do us a favor and defect.
- All right.
That's it, mister.
- No more chances.
Orderly! - All right, Frank.
Here we go! - This is your one chance for a fair fight.
- You asked for it, Pierce.
- I can take you with both eyes tied behind my back.
- Easy! - Who's this? - It's me.
Where's Frank? [B.
J.
.]
Nurse Able! Do me a favor.
Get him outta here, will you? Say something, Frank, so I'll know where to spit! - Who's this? - Able, it's Able.
He's lucky you stepped in.
You're lucky I didn't let him kill you.
- Girls, we have company.
- Oh, hi, Hawkeye.
At ease.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Oh! Gotta be Bigelow.
- How'd you know? - Never mind.
What can we get for you, Hawkeye? I just had it a second ago.
Listen.
Uh, could he come back in a little while? I was gonna undress and take a shower.
Well, don't let me stop you.
I won't see anything.
And you can throw me out if I so much as drool.
- Go on.
- That's one.
Well, I can't do it with him in here.
Come on, Lieutenant.
He can't see anything.
Okay, Hawkeye, but no more comments.
## [Humming Striptease.]
- It's no good.
- You want more sax? Oh, forget it, Hawkeye.
Come on.
You gotta get outta here.
Wait a second.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Chopper's coming.
[Chuckles.]
It's a pleasure working in here today, sir.
- How so, Major? - Well, we're busy, lots of casualties.
- [B.
J.
.]
Terrific.
- And no sign of Pierce.
[Laughs.]
- Party's over, Frank.
- Sir, isn't it against regulations to have a blind man in surgery? Ask Captain Pierce.
He's chief surgeon.
Be nice, Frank.
I'll let you sign my face.
[Scoffs.]
Boy here took a bullet in the abdomen.
- What are the damages? - Not too serious.
- Lacerated iliac artery.
Clamp.
- Clamp.
Wonder what the patient would think if he woke up and saw me standing over him.
- He'd know he was in the army.
Clamp.
- Clamp.
Beej, you oughta sit back sometime and listen to the war.
- It sounds as bad as it looks.
- Are you ready to close, Doctor? [Hawkeye.]
Was that intestine perforated? I'm getting a whiff of bowel.
I ran it.
It was okay, but I wanted to check it again.
You're right.
There's a small nick.
Who was that masked man? [Announcer.]
Indians lead it 5-4 in the bottom of the ninth.
One out, and the Yanks better get something going here.
- Rizutto steps back in.
- [Static.]
The pitch swung on and missed.
Strike two.
Oh and two to Rizutto.
- Big Bob Lemon goes into his windup.
- [Imitating Crowd Noises.]
- Here comes the pitch.
- [Knock.]
Line drive! Base hit to left! How about that! Listen to that crowd! - [Imitating Crowd Noises.]
- It's 5-4, Indians.
One out in the bottom of the ninth.
Coming up for the Yankees, Gil McDougal.
Red Hots! Get your Red Hots! Peanuts here! Goulash! Here's the next pitch.
Swung on and missed.
Strike one.
The infield looks for a bunt.
What do you say, kid? You and me.
Burn it in here.
Come on, baby.
Windup and the pitch.
Swing and a miss.
Strike two.
Wait a minute.
He caught part of it.
Ball rolls down to short.
Picked up, over to second, back to first.
Double play.
Cleveland wins it 5-4.
That score again Cleveland 5, Yankees 4.
That'll do it for tonight.
This is Bryan Moxey signing off.
This program will be repeated at 1200 hours on the Armed Forces Radio Network.
[Clanging To Imitate Tones.]
Sorry I was late, Hawkeye.
I couldn't get a chopper.
That's all right.
I was just sitting around listening to myself sweat.
Now, Hawkeye, shade your eyes.
Now open them slowly.
Well? - Five, right? - Yeah.
They work.
[All Congratulating.]
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Here's the results of yesterday's game.
Yanks 8, Indians 1.
For those who'd like to collect, Major Burns is in post-op.
Oh, that score can't be right.
I listened to the game and - [Duck Call.]
- Major.
- [Margaret.]
Frank, I want my $10 now! - [All Shouting, Indistinct.]
Thanks.
- Thanks, Major.
- Thanks, Jim.
That compound is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Congratulations, Hawkeye.
You're a lucky guy.
Yeah, I got lucky twice.
First I got the chance to see without my eyes, and then I got 'em back.
- [Frank.]
Come on, you guys! - [Shouting, Indistinct.]
- Nurses? - Hawkeye, what happened? Temporary relapse.
They were working okay this morning, and then they went.
- [Women Groaning.]
- Well, it's not permanent.
- The doctor says they'll be okay in a few days.
- [Bigelow.]
You poor guy.
Well, what can I tell you, girls? I need all the sympathy I can get.
Well, is there something we can do? No, you just do whatever you were doing.
Set your hair, iron your undies, get undressed.
Oh, isn't it awful? A relapse.
- Maybe we could cure it.
- How? - I don't think I should have done that.
- Out! Watch it! Watch the eyes! [All Shouting, Indistinct.]
Okay.
3-1, Giants.
Two outs, two on, bottom of the ninth.
Three and two on Hodges.
Maglie deals.
It's cut on and belted to deep left field.
Back goes Mueller.
A-way back to the wall! - It's a three-run homer for Gil Hodges! - [Mumbles.]
She's gone.
The Dodgers go from bums to kings and win it 4-3! Come on, Frank.
Shut up, will ya? Geez, it's 4-3 in the morning.
This game will be rebroadcast at 1200 hours on Armed Forces Radio.
Frank, come on! - ## [Tones.]
- Stop dreaming and go back to sleep.
Oh, that makes good nonsense.
- Hawkeye? - Yeah? - Wake up, Hawkeye.
- The stove in our tent went out.
- Again? - It's freezing in there.
- It's warm in here.
- There are four of us.
I knew I should have gotten a bigger bed.
Can you people hold it down? I mean, show some consideration.
I don't remember leaving a wake-up scream.
Thanks, Hawkeye.
You're the only one who can fix it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
B.
J.
? - Hmm? If I'm not back in five minutes, don't come and get me.
Good night, Frank! Here he is, girls, Handy Andy.
- Hey, Mr.
Fix It.
- Let's hear it for the janitor.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you, Hawkeye.
It's freezing.
- Well, what do you expect? Springtime in Korea.
- [Banging On Metal.]
You should feel honored.
We chose you 'cause you have the best hands in camp.
I try to keep in touch.
- Be careful, Hawkeye.
- [Explosion.]
[Hawkeye Screaming.]
Oh, knock it off, Pierce.
[All Shouting, Indistinct.]
Radar, call the 121 st Evac.
I want their ophthalmologist.
Tell 'em we got a boy with flash burns.
Major James Overman.
Get his keister up here pronto.
- [All Shouting, Indistinct.]
- [Klinger.]
Get him in here, quick! [Hawkeye.]
I can't see anything! Now look, you dumb clerk.
I'll tell you this once and I want you to get it straight.
This is General Walter O'Reilly.
Three stars and real mad.
If Major Overman isn't over here by the time they crack my powdered eggs for breakfast I'll have you digging a latrine for every G.
I.
In Korea! You got that? Good! - How's that feel? - Blind.
Okay, Hawkeye.
You take it easy for a couple of days.
- I'll be back Friday.
- Listen.
One important question.
- Will I get to keep my nickname? - Let's hope so.
Just wondering if I should rent a Seeing Eye dog or buy one.
See you Friday.
Tell me, Sherm.
Where is this General O'Reilly? Who? Oh, well, let me explain.
[Loudly.]
We're really sorry, Hawkeye.
You don't have to shout.
The sides still work.
- We're sorry.
- That's all right.
Next time, get a union man.
Hawk, if there's anything you need Well, if you're going by the P.
X.
, you could get me a coloring book and crayons.
I think you're sick enough to qualify for the big box.
I gotta go.
- B.
J.
? - Yeah? Visit me a couple hundred times, will ya? At least.
- Nurse? Nurse? - What's the matter? My arm's numb.
I think it's asleep.
Let me take a look at it, so to speak.
[Clattering.]
Where are you? - Is there a doctor in the house? - [Frank.]
What is it, Pierce? Oh, Frank, I'm glad you're here.
Go get a doctor.
Now, what are we trying to do with this patient, hmm? Arm wrestle.
Only I have a slight advantage his bandage is too tight.
I'll take care of that.
Now, let's scoot back to our bed.
Okay? We don't want to bother the other patients now, do we? Hmm? Keep it up, Frank.
We'll get our nose busted.
[Clattering.]
Somebody will be with you in a minute, okay? Sorry.
Just bumping through.
Huh.
Claude Rains.
I'm Doctor Pierce.
Anybody home? [Man.]
Hi.
[Sighs.]
Tell me what this says, will you? You're a real funny man, aren't you? Come on, fella, give me a break.
Can't you see I can't see? No.
No, I can't.
I'm sorry.
What happened? A grenade landed I caught most of the stuff in the face.
And you? I offered a light to a temperamental gas heater.
- I didn't get your name.
- Oh, I'm Tom Straw.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
Hawkeye Pierce.
Where you from, Tom? - San Francisco.
- Beautiful city.
Yeah.
I'm looking forward to getting back and not seeing the Golden Gate.
- You trying to depress me? - No, no.
I'm too busy depressing myself.
Look.
You're alive.
Maybe you should feel lucky.
Do you feel lucky, Hawkeye? Not lately.
What'd you do back in San Francisco? - Taught high school English.
- Well, you can still teach.
Be grateful you're not an airline pilot or a truck driver.
Or a doctor.
Right.
Pierce, I thought we agreed we were going to stay in our bed.
No, we agreed that we were going to loosen that kid's bandage.
Did we? - I was on a break.
- Burns, I swear I'm a better doctor blind than you are with both eyes.
- Nurse! - Yes, Doctor.
Kellye, help me re-bandage that kid down there.
Then fill me in on everybody in here.
Frank, you can go back to what you were doing nothing.
Ow! - Where is it? - Right here.
Colonel, how am I supposed to maintain order in there with Pierce stumbling around, trying to help everyone? The nurses can't take a temperature without reporting to him first.
And he's always touching them.
Disgraceful.
He's got no business being in there if he's sick.
- I suggest we ship him back to the 121 st.
- Why? Oh, I'm sure he'd be a lot more comfortable.
I appreciate your concern.
You're right.
- He should be moved.
- Well, thank you.
But I don't think it's necessary to take him any farther than the Swamp.
- But l - And to avoid the inevitable argument dismissed.
"And the rest of the family is doing fine.
San Sandy Falcon," I think - Yeah.
- "Asked about you.
She still sweats" No, no, that's Oh, she's sw"She's still sweet on you.
" Who's Sandy Falcon? A girl who used to dip my pigtails in the inkwell.
So obnoxious, she was voted most likely to marry out of her species.
Oh.
Uh, "Take care, Son.
We're really" - Hold it.
I'm ready to try again.
- Oh, sir.
Come on.
I think I can do it this time.
Come on.
Okay.
Here one, two.
Get outta my light.
- Do I have to chase them again? - No.
Let 'em lay there till they get it right.
- Finish reading the letter.
- Yes, sir.
Um, "Take care, Son.
We're connecting the dogs" That's "counting the days," Doodles.
"We're counting the days.
All my love.
" Major Burns.
- What? - Major Burns is coming this way.
## [Whistling.]
Pierce, you disgust me.
Right, Frank.
I discussed you with everyone I know.
They all think you're disgusting.
Handicapped people usually know how to act properly.
Oh, come on, Frank.
I'm just trying to keep busy.
Look.
I even made your bunk.
Did a good job, Pierce.
But it's not regulation.
The "U.
S.
" Goes on the outside of the blanket.
I wore this with just you in mind.
You make me wanna throw up.
See? It pays to dress.
Hawkeye, did you really make Major Burns's bunk? Why not? I'm used to short-sheeting in the dark.
- It's me, Corporal Klinger.
- I heard the hair on your legs rustling.
Hawk.
Is it okay if I go to the Mess Tent? They got fried shrimp for lunch but you gotta be one of the first six guys in line.
- Bon appetit.
- That mean "yes"? Yes! Yes.
- How you doing, Captain? - I feel as good as I look.
Hey, Klinger, silk, right? Always bright and breezy.
Listen, Captain.
I brought you something.
Good.
Have her sit on the edge of the bed and tell me when you're gone.
Sorry, sir.
All I got for you is this.
In case you ever need us, just toot.
- [Duck Call.]
- Perfect.
It was either that or a howitzer.
- I can't get my lips around a howitzer.
- [Duck Call.]
- Yes, sir.
What can I do for you? - Works like a charm.
Would you like to escort me to the art museum? - We don't have an art museum.
- I'll settle for the latrine.
- Your limo awaits.
- Lead on, MacDuff.
- Don't hit that.
- I'm sorry.
[Klinger.]
Low bridge.
- We're outside.
- Aha.
I bet we're drawing stares from all the other couples.
I look fabulous, but you look a trifle frumpy in your fatigues.
You never looked better to me.
Here we are.
- Need any help in there? - Not since I was two.
Watch your step.
- Corporal Klinger? - Ma'am.
Colonel Potter wants to see you on the double.
He needs your help to pick out a present for his wife.
- I'm kinda busy, Major.
- Are you disobeying an order? All right, but you'll have to stay here and wait for Captain Pierce.
Very well.
- Oh, Margaret.
- That's very good.
It's your perfume Moon Over Fort Dix.
It's Forbidden Furlough.
Where do you wanna go? Mess Tent.
Then after that, we can go over to your place and play blindman's bluff.
- Savage.
- [Grunting, Hooting.]
- Head.
- ## [Singing.]
## [Humming.]
- Here.
You take him.
- Right away, Margaret.
I'll bet I'm the only hot potato in this entire tent.
Here you go, Hawk.
Oh, how convenient.
It's in Braille.
- Now let me tell you what they got.
- No, no.
Let me guess.
- Creamed spinach.
- Incredible.
You can smell it? - No.
I could hear it.
- Uh, try a little of that.
- Last week's bread? - Close.
This week's meat loaf.
What you don't eat, they drop on the North Koreans.
[Announcer.]
Dodgers are down to their last strike - Hodges.
- As Hodges waits on the two-two pitch.
Maglie delivers.
Just inside.
Those Giants stink.
I think the Dodgers will win.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh, what's so funny? Sir, the Giants got 'em 3-1.
All they need is one more out.
Oh.
Oh, well, uh, do you guys ever bet on these things? Okay.
3-1, Giants.
Two outs, two on, bottom of the ninth.
Three and two on Hodges.
Maglie deals.
It's cut on and belted to deep left field.
Back goes Mueller.
A-way back to the wall! It's a three-run homer for Gil Hodges! The Dodgers go from bums to kings and win 4-3! Thanks, suckers.
[Cackles.]
Very good, Frank.
- I bet he could have called that one in his sleep.
- [Frank Cackles.]
Colonel, have I ever told you about our world-famous Crabapple Cove Lobster Festival? Radar.
Go ahead, Hawkeye.
I'm listening.
For two days and two nights, but drink beer and gorge themselves on the biggest, reddest, juiciest lobsters you've ever seen.
And then at sunset Hello, Radar the boats start coming in.
Hold the boats.
Radar, what's this requisition for 300 rubber gloves? We're almost out.
On New Year's Eve, we used them for balloons.
- Oh, yeah.
- I remember one year it got so cold - we bundled up in rubber gloves.
- Right, Hawk.
Get me that requisition for blankets, Radar.
Yes, sir.
Right away.
Where were we? Oh, yeah, the lobster festival.
Right.
One year I went down to a deserted cove with, uh three baskets and a little home wrecker named Sharon.
"Sharon Share Alike" we called her.
We were there for four days.
Never got to the lobster.
[Chuckles.]
Four days and never got to the lobster.
[Duck Call.]
Colonel! Radar! Oh, son, I'm sorry.
I thought I'd only be out for a second.
Forget it.
I just got a little nervous.
It would have been worse if you were here and snoring.
Hawkeye, this is Radar O'Reilly speaking to you now.
- Uh-huh.
How would you like to take me for a little walk, Radar? - Wanna hit some more golf balls? - No.
Post-op.
- Okay.
Colonel, I'll be back to tell you the story about the two priests and a mule.
- You'll get a kick out of it.
- Door's always open.
I hope so.
Otherwise, I'll break my nose.
Radar, how would you like to get your money back with Major Burns? - Is this doing something sneaky? - Of course.
Oh, boy.
- Here's the bedpost.
- Welcome aboard.
Thank you, Radar.
It's been wonderful traveling with you.
- Will you be needing me anymore? - Ah, no - but if you're ever in town again, I'll give you a call.
- [Duck Call.]
- Beej? - Yeah.
How's the Straw kid doing? Okay.
We're about to send him down to the 121 st.
- L-I wanna see him.
- Right away.
- Mr.
Straw.
- Yes.
I have here Hawkeye Pierce, new boy in your English class.
Ah, yes, Pierce.
Third row, second seat, big mouth.
The very same.
How you doing, Tom? Not very well.
I tried to write a letter to my wife this morning.
I only got as far as "Dear Marilyn.
" Try, "Darling, I'm coming home.
" She'll be thrilled.
How thrilled will she be when I tell her the rest? Don't sell her short.
Captain, which one is "Straw, T.
S.
, Lieutenant"? Right here.
- Movin' out, sir.
- Movin' out.
I'd like you to write to me, Hawkeye.
Only if you promise not to send the letters back corrected.
It's a deal.
I really wanna know how things turn out for you.
- Thanks.
- Give my regards to Mill Valley.
And remember me to Union Square.
- So long, guys.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Beej, let's get in the jeep and go for a ride.
You drive.
- Hawkeye - All right.
I'll drive.
Look, will you settle down for five minutes? Sit down.
I know what you're trying to do, and I know how you feel.
No, I don't think you do.
You don't wanna think about what might happen, so you keep running.
No, that's not it.
That's not it.
No.
Look.
Look.
When Doctor Overman comes in here and unwraps my package I hope to God I'll have my sight back but Something fascinating's been happening to me.
What's that, Hawk? One part of the world has closed down for me, but another part has opened up.
Sure, l-I keep picturing myself on a corner with a tin cup selling thermometers, but I'm going through something here I didn't expect.
This morning I spent two incredible hours listening to that that rainstorm.
And l And I didn't just hear it.
I was part of it.
I'll bet you have no idea that that rain hitting the ground makes the same sound as steaks when they're barbecuing.
Or that that thunder seems to echo forever.
And you wouldn't believe what how funny it is to hear somebody slip and fall in the mud.
I bet It had to be Burns.
Beej, this is full of trapdoors, but l-l I think there may almost be some kind of advantage in this.
I've never spent a more conscious day in my life.
All right, Pierce.
This area's been deemed off-limits to personnel in your condition and I'm giving you one minute to clear out, starting now.
- Frank - Fifty-five seconds and counting.
- Frank, do us a favor and defect.
- All right.
That's it, mister.
- No more chances.
Orderly! - All right, Frank.
Here we go! - This is your one chance for a fair fight.
- You asked for it, Pierce.
- I can take you with both eyes tied behind my back.
- Easy! - Who's this? - It's me.
Where's Frank? [B.
J.
.]
Nurse Able! Do me a favor.
Get him outta here, will you? Say something, Frank, so I'll know where to spit! - Who's this? - Able, it's Able.
He's lucky you stepped in.
You're lucky I didn't let him kill you.
- Girls, we have company.
- Oh, hi, Hawkeye.
At ease.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Oh! Gotta be Bigelow.
- How'd you know? - Never mind.
What can we get for you, Hawkeye? I just had it a second ago.
Listen.
Uh, could he come back in a little while? I was gonna undress and take a shower.
Well, don't let me stop you.
I won't see anything.
And you can throw me out if I so much as drool.
- Go on.
- That's one.
Well, I can't do it with him in here.
Come on, Lieutenant.
He can't see anything.
Okay, Hawkeye, but no more comments.
## [Humming Striptease.]
- It's no good.
- You want more sax? Oh, forget it, Hawkeye.
Come on.
You gotta get outta here.
Wait a second.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Chopper's coming.
[Chuckles.]
It's a pleasure working in here today, sir.
- How so, Major? - Well, we're busy, lots of casualties.
- [B.
J.
.]
Terrific.
- And no sign of Pierce.
[Laughs.]
- Party's over, Frank.
- Sir, isn't it against regulations to have a blind man in surgery? Ask Captain Pierce.
He's chief surgeon.
Be nice, Frank.
I'll let you sign my face.
[Scoffs.]
Boy here took a bullet in the abdomen.
- What are the damages? - Not too serious.
- Lacerated iliac artery.
Clamp.
- Clamp.
Wonder what the patient would think if he woke up and saw me standing over him.
- He'd know he was in the army.
Clamp.
- Clamp.
Beej, you oughta sit back sometime and listen to the war.
- It sounds as bad as it looks.
- Are you ready to close, Doctor? [Hawkeye.]
Was that intestine perforated? I'm getting a whiff of bowel.
I ran it.
It was okay, but I wanted to check it again.
You're right.
There's a small nick.
Who was that masked man? [Announcer.]
Indians lead it 5-4 in the bottom of the ninth.
One out, and the Yanks better get something going here.
- Rizutto steps back in.
- [Static.]
The pitch swung on and missed.
Strike two.
Oh and two to Rizutto.
- Big Bob Lemon goes into his windup.
- [Imitating Crowd Noises.]
- Here comes the pitch.
- [Knock.]
Line drive! Base hit to left! How about that! Listen to that crowd! - [Imitating Crowd Noises.]
- It's 5-4, Indians.
One out in the bottom of the ninth.
Coming up for the Yankees, Gil McDougal.
Red Hots! Get your Red Hots! Peanuts here! Goulash! Here's the next pitch.
Swung on and missed.
Strike one.
The infield looks for a bunt.
What do you say, kid? You and me.
Burn it in here.
Come on, baby.
Windup and the pitch.
Swing and a miss.
Strike two.
Wait a minute.
He caught part of it.
Ball rolls down to short.
Picked up, over to second, back to first.
Double play.
Cleveland wins it 5-4.
That score again Cleveland 5, Yankees 4.
That'll do it for tonight.
This is Bryan Moxey signing off.
This program will be repeated at 1200 hours on the Armed Forces Radio Network.
[Clanging To Imitate Tones.]
Sorry I was late, Hawkeye.
I couldn't get a chopper.
That's all right.
I was just sitting around listening to myself sweat.
Now, Hawkeye, shade your eyes.
Now open them slowly.
Well? - Five, right? - Yeah.
They work.
[All Congratulating.]
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Here's the results of yesterday's game.
Yanks 8, Indians 1.
For those who'd like to collect, Major Burns is in post-op.
Oh, that score can't be right.
I listened to the game and - [Duck Call.]
- Major.
- [Margaret.]
Frank, I want my $10 now! - [All Shouting, Indistinct.]
Thanks.
- Thanks, Major.
- Thanks, Jim.
That compound is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Congratulations, Hawkeye.
You're a lucky guy.
Yeah, I got lucky twice.
First I got the chance to see without my eyes, and then I got 'em back.
- [Frank.]
Come on, you guys! - [Shouting, Indistinct.]
- Nurses? - Hawkeye, what happened? Temporary relapse.
They were working okay this morning, and then they went.
- [Women Groaning.]
- Well, it's not permanent.
- The doctor says they'll be okay in a few days.
- [Bigelow.]
You poor guy.
Well, what can I tell you, girls? I need all the sympathy I can get.
Well, is there something we can do? No, you just do whatever you were doing.
Set your hair, iron your undies, get undressed.
Oh, isn't it awful? A relapse.
- Maybe we could cure it.
- How? - I don't think I should have done that.
- Out! Watch it! Watch the eyes! [All Shouting, Indistinct.]