My Family (2000) s05e03 Episode Script

- Ben, Susan, Hi.
- Hi, did you get here all right? No, actually, we crashed on the A11 and died.
Very good, Susan.
I like a woman with a sense of humour.
- Stephanie here has none whatsoever.
- That's right.
Thanks for agreeing to flat-sit for us this weekend.
No problem, Geoff, nice to get out of the house.
- Into someone else's.
- There you go again! - Stephanie, watch and learn.
- There's been a spate of burglaries.
Having you here will put our minds at rest while we spend the weekend at our second home in the country.
- See, not one trace of humour.
- Yeah.
- Anyway, what do you think? - Of what? The corridor? - It's lovely, isn't it, Susan? - Yes, yes.
Strictly a work in progress, of course.
We're still waiting for the carpets from Italy.
Lovely.
German fire extinguisher.
Blaupunkt, latest model.
- No sign of the flat numbers.
- They're coming from Sweden.
- Brushed pine.
- We're waiting for the wood to season.
No problem, we'll just get a marker pen and scrawl the number on the door.
Joke.
Electronic locking device, latest thing.
The key code is 6-4-7- 3.
Don't worry it's all in the instructions.
Bound in Belgian calf's leather, printed on Mexican vellum? That's right.
(Geoff) Lights.
Oh that is fantastic! Did you see that, Susan? - Voice activated lighting! - Gosh, and I thought it was a goblin! - My God, you've been burgled already.
- No, no, no.
It's minimalist.
- It's a design choice.
- You chose this? Yes.
- It's lovely.
- Thanks, Susan.
Well, look, we really ought to shoot, if we're going to miss the traffic.
So, anyroad up, if there's any problems, our number's with the instructions in the kitchen drawer.
- Cheerio.
- Bye.
- Enjoy.
- Back at ya.
Wow! Whoa! Wow! Look at that, no mess, no clutter no kids.
What do you think? I don't like the colours or the design and where are the knick-knacks? - It's new, it's fresh, it's modern.
- Looks like nobody lives here.
Oh Even better.
We could do it up, with your design skills and my furniture.
We're only here for the weekend.
I know, but looking ahead, this place might make the perfect retirement home.
And looking not so far ahead, this African sculpture might make a handy weapon.
Susan, Geoff says there are 40 flats still available, which means it's a buyer's market! Or nobody wants to live here.
You know my dream house is a little cottage in the country, - with roses round the door.
- I know, darling.
I know.
That's why I've arranged this weekend to drive that damn silly notion out of your head.
Ben Harper master of the soft sell.
Anyway, you think you like the country, but you don't.
You don't know what I like or don't like.
- Oh, I think I do.
- Sometimes I fake.
People have been living What? You don't, do you? Go on.
- People have lived in cities for years.
- And in the country longer.
Exactly, the country's old-fashioned, out of date! - Oh! Oh my Go Look at this.
- What? Oh, isn't it magnificent? What am I supposed to be looking at? - London.
- Oh, that.
All I see are other tower blocks, where are the sheep, the cows? - There, in the Tate Modern.
- Where's the fresh air? The breeze? Simple, you open the window.
- Open where can you see a latch? - There aren't any.
You probably don't have to, with air conditioning.
So, here we are, stuck in a glass case.
All that's missing is the formaldehyde.
What you need, my good lady, is a crash course on the 20th century.
- It's the 21st century.
- True.
Numbers.
Look at this, look at this.
Can't stand him.
Can't stand her, Oh, God, not them again.
They're still making this rubbish? They're the same programmes we have at home and I dare say in the country.
Never mind.
We'll watch a DVD.
DVD.
Must be a cupboard over there somewhere.
Cupboard.
Ben, is it just me, or do they not have a loo? Have a feel over there, and keep trying till you find a loo or a DVD.
I don't care which.
I know! Instructions in the drawer.
Ben, can you see a drawer? - Any luck? - What do you think? I'd murder a cup of tea.
Aha! Tea, tea, any of these look like tea? Aha! The question is academic, Susan.
I found the beer.
Bottle opener? Bottle opener.
Have you seen a bottle opener? - Why not try the drawer? - Right, the dr - How's it going with the tea? - I found some cardamom pods.
Oh, remember where they are, it may come to that.
Ha! Look at this.
Here's something you don't get in the country, Silver Service.
"A range of romantic gourmet dinners, delivered to your door, candles included.
" - We've already eaten.
- Not tonight, I'm thinking when we move here.
- Right, OK, old Boy Scout trick.
- You weren't in the Boy Scouts.
No, but we captured one and tortured him until he told us his secrets.
Oh, my God, Ben! It's OK, I'll get a man in tomorrow.
It's fine.
That's travertine marble from the Monte Pisano.
- There must be a branch nearby.
- It's a mountain in Italy.
We'll give them the money.
There's all the new, trendy restaurants here.
- Burger King? - We saw that Michelin place.
- That was a tyre fitter.
- It had three stars, though.
(Exaggerated choking) Peugh! Peugh! Something wrong with the tea, darling? It's not tea it's bouquet garni.
Just pretend it's Bovril.
Mm.
Not bad.
There you go, things are looking up.
Ben, there is no way I'm buying a flat round here.
OK.
OK.
I give up.
Yup, your mind's closed.
Yep.
Shame.
When you're dead set against something there's no point in reasoning with you.
- Good.
- You're supposed to contradict me.
- Why? You're quite right.
- I was trying reverse psychology.
That's why I've reversed it back.
There's no arguing with you.
That's right.
- Enjoy your beer? - Enjoy your stew juice? (Drumming) What are you doing? I'm trying to find the toilet.
I should have guessed from the rhythm.
That's no good, let me try.
Hang on, hang on.
It's over here.
I can hear running water.
- It's probably the boiler.
- It's the cistern.
Are you sure? Are you saying I can't tell between running water in a boiler and running water in a cistern? I'm the expert on gurgling fluids, I've slept next to you for 25 years.
- This is the bathroom, how do you open it? - It's probably in the instruction Ah.
I know.
Another old Boy Scout trick.
- That kid must have sung like a canary.
- Stand aside, woman.
Ah.
They don't make African sculptures like they use to.
The one thing in the entire flat, and you have to break it.
A dab of superglue will fix it.
I'll pop down the newsagent's in the morning.
There's nothing here.
No shops, no cafés, no sheep.
The only going concern I've seen was a lap dancing club.
There you go, part-time job for you.
- As a lap dancer? - Don't be silly, Susan.
Receptionist.
There you go, just for the job.
Thank you.
Now, stand aside.
- Ben, you idiot! - You handed it to me.
I was happy with the sculpture! - How are we going to explain this? - They'll laugh it off.
Well Geoff will.
Anyway, we're saving them from being burgled.
They won't worry about a little splinter on their precious wall.
And a broken African sculpture and a chipped marble table top.
Oh A bit of Blu Tack here and a lick of paint.
I'll get a man in tomorrow.
There you go, you see, there.
The boiler cupboard.
- At least we know where the boiler is.
- And we found the toilet.
That's a relief.
Yeah, that's another door we'll have to repair.
We'll bung them some money.
I know what you're doing, you're trying to buy this flat bit by bit.
- Hmm.
That's not a bad idea.
- No, it's a very bad idea.
- We don't know anyone in the country.
- We don't know anyone here.
The people we don't know here are more like us.
You have to live in the country for 20 years before they'll say good morning.
We'll be treated like pariahs.
- You like being left alone.
- Not by country people, bloody insult.
Then there's GM crops, pesticides, - foot-and-mouth - Ben village idiots - Ben.
- What? - I've gone to sleep.
OK, OK.
Lights! Lights! Lights! - What a terrible night.
- Oh, we're not still in this bloody flat? Good morning, darling, sleep well? I had a dream about being in a lovely four-poster bed in the country and it was dark, quiet, nothing to be heard but the gentle lowing of cows.
And the milk machine coming on at 3am, and the generator in the grain silo, and the drone of the crop sprayers.
You're always complaining about the country, we're not even there.
Oh, you were listening, good.
I can stop now.
Anyway, I'm going to make breakfast.
Fancy some tea or some gravy? Ben, it's 2:46am.
Oh, for pity's sake! Why can't we turn these bloody lights off?! (Ben) There we go, that's better.
Stupid bloody place.
What an idiotic set up this is Not that I'm knocking it, mind.
I mean, it's a lovely flat.
- Well, that that was an interesting walk.
- Interesting that you found it interesting.
- Think we shook those kids off? - By the proposed new car park.
Kids today! Thank God they're all obese.
Unbelievable.
Miles and miles of dusty concrete, punctuated by the occasional oil drum and burnt-out car.
The only trace of life was a sign reading "Fatal stabbing, can you help?" Come on, cheer up.
I've arranged a surprise for you.
- I don't like surprises.
- You'll like this one.
- I doubt it.
- I think you will.
- I think I won't.
- Oh, stop it! - Look if you - (Door buzzer) Here we go.
Come on up mate, tenth floor, OK? Don't tell me it's one of those stupid romantic meals on a trolley with a candle and a flower.
Wait and see.
- It doesn't look any better in the dark.
- Oh, Susan, it's not that bad.
You know, the city at night.
Has a quiet dignity, a serene romance.
Look, look at that pretty, twinkling light down there.
- It's an ambulance.
- Is it? Probably fishing some bloated kid out of the dock.
Come on, darling, what is it? What's wrong with living out our twilight years in the city, eh? What is this obsession with the country? I want to be like The Archers.
- What? - You know, on the radio.
I want to live in a village, walk up Lakey Hill with Shula.
Take a bus to Felpersham.
Oh, Susan.
The Archers isn't what it was, darling.
They've been hit by crime, like the rest of us.
Joy ridings, shootings, horse mutilations several thefts of agricultural machinery.
Not to mention Brian Aldridge's adultery.
Oh Yeah he had that car crash coming to him.
You do listen to it.
Yeah.
No choice, most of the time.
Do you enjoy it? Sometimes.
Where's that dinner? Tell you what, you go and find out, and I'll slip into something romantic.
A hot bath.
I buzzed him into the building half an hour ago! Look, mate, the dinner is getting cold, and my wife is getting hot.
How do I know? Because she's having a wash.
Look, I think this is getting a bit too detailed.
OK? Why don't we just cancel the whole thing? - (Susan) Everything all right, dear? - Yeah, yeah everything is fine.
Yeah.
Got a backup plan.
Hello.
Uncle Peppi's Pizza Parlour? Yeah, I can see him.
Yeah, big bloke on a small moped with medium pizza.
Tell him to look up.
Yeah, tell him I'm waving.
Yes, tell him this is the flat to head for.
Yes, he's waving back.
Yes, we are waving at each other.
Look, I'm not going to let this go.
Lovely frock.
Tell him I'll buzz him into the building and I'll be waiting.
Right.
Where is he? Can you see him? There's no one down there.
- That's weird.
- It's this building, it's not right.
- It's like it's developing a personality.
- Ah, now it has character.
Perhaps Perhaps there's something out there.
Like what? If I knew what it was, I'd call it by its name.
- I'm going to find this guy.
- Don't leave me here with The Thing.
Susan, The Thing isn't up here, it's out there, according to you.
One of us has got to stay here in case he turns up.
- I'm not staying here.
- You go out and look.
Not alone! All right, while you make up your mind, I'm going to go find our super.
- I told you to wait up here.
- You must never split up.
What? When people split up, something horrible happens to them.
No, when people split up, they lose their kids and in-laws.
How can that be horrible? Ha ha! We're hunting for a pizza delivery man, not the Alien.
Yes, but the point is made.
Ben! Ben! Hello! Hello! Pizza man! Ben! Ben! Damn.
Hello! Hello! Hello! Ben? Ben? Ben? Ben? Hello? Uncle Peppi's Pizza Parlour? Yup, I'd like to speak to Uncle Peppi, please.
Oh, is he? Auntie Peppi then.
Look, this is Harper.
We are still waiting! It can't be hard to find us, we're the only people in the building! He's a pizza man, God damn it! Don't you give them motion detectors or something? Oi! You! Come here! Ben! Hey! You! Hey! Oh, my God! Ooh.
Susan? Susan! Aaaahhh! Mmmm! Oh, I've had enough of this.
Janey? Mikey? Nick? (Chuckles) Answer came there none.
Oh yes, this is the life.
Oh, no, I don't like her.
I can't stand him.
They're not making this rubbish still? Aha! Die Hard.
(Phone) (Phone vibrates) Listen, you know what you can do with your pizza? I'd rather eat my own foot.
- (Susan) It's me.
- Oh, Susan, are you OK? - I'm fine, where are you? - I'm in the sitting room.
- Where are you? - I'm in the sitting room.
- Whereabouts? - On the sofa.
I'm in the wrong flat, aren't I? Hello, it's me.
Ben, you idiot.
That phrase trips too easily off your tongue.
Practice makes perfect.
How on earth did you end up in the wrong flat? - Must have cracked the door code.
- You cracked the door.
- No.
- Fire extinguisher, was it? Yes.
- How will we explain that? - They won't know it's me.
We're the only people here, apart from that top-hatted fool I saw in the distance.
(Knock on door) Aha.
Dinner is served.
The door won't open.
- Oh, come on! - You must have locked it.
- No! - This would never happen in the country.
No, you'd have a rusty iron key on a string by the drainpipe, you'd have a breezeblock propping the door shut, in the country - Ben - What? Pizza.
It's no good, mate, we can't open the door.
(Muffled response) Worth a try, go ahead.
Where's the topping? So this my surprise.
You're a romantic.
I'll have you know, there are four types of cheese on that.
All right, OK, here.
And I want change, don't think you're getting away with a tip Oi! Oi! My my change! Leave it, Ben, we can't afford to break another door.
Sorry.
Complete disaster.
So much for my romantic evening! All I have to do is scoop it off the floor and pop it under the grill for a couple of minutes.
Oh! Yum, yum.
Now what would Nigella do? Don't worry, we'll swap it with the one downstairs.
Here you go.
Bet the country looks good to you now? Yeah but I'm sure there's a happy medium between the city and the country.
Not Wokingham? No! No, I was thinking more the house we have at the moment.
- Yeah, I could buy a couple of pigs.
- I could concrete over the lawn.
Do you smell burning? The pizza! Oh, God! It's burning! It's burning! We're on fire, Susan, we're on fire! - Don't worry, I got it.
- Ben, put it out.
I got it! Don't worry.
Oh, my God, it's burning.
Don't bring it over here! Really burning! We're in big trouble! We're in big trouble! Open the window! We can't, they don't open! Do something! Do something! Yes! Yes! Yes! We'll get a new table.
That carpet we'll patch that up.
- Glaziers in the morning.
- New DVD player.
New TV.
Well I think we got away with it.
Yeah.
Ahh! Pah! Waaaah! It it was terrible, Geoff, terrible.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They just broke in, yeah, tied us up.
Two fat kids.
Oh, no, don't blame yourselves, mate.
Listen, we're fine, we're fine.
We're in the hospital.
It's just shock.
Yeah.
Hey.
No, no, no.
If I were you, I'd stay in the country.
Bye.
- Ben, good news.
- What? I found the instruction book.