NewsRadio (1995) s05e03 Episode Script
Lucky Burger
Clear and sunny, with temperatures dipping into the low 50s by evening.
This is Max Lewis, WNYX news time: He's good.
It makes you wonder why he was fired from 37 different stations.
Don't ask, don't tell.
So you're saying he was a gay Marine? I know why he was fired so many times.
Really? Why? Because I hate him.
No one expects you to love him as much as you loved Bill, but I had to hire someone.
I'm all for him being hired, Dave.
I just wasn't aware that you were gonna give him the job that's rightfully mine.
What job is that? On-air news-talker person.
You know, the job in the booth, whatever that's called.
I don't know.
Why can't you just give him another job? Like my job.
He could take over my job.
What is your job? Look, I sit over there at the-- You know, at the desk, doing, ahem, work-related stuff.
It's very complicated what I do, okay? Oh, hi, you.
Hey, Max, nice job in there.
Thanks.
Hey, Dave? Mm-hm.
That guy who hates me left this note on my desk.
No, Matthew doesn't hate you.
He's just confused.
"Dear newly-hired on-air talker-person, See? you're fried.
" I assume he meant fired, but I wasn't sure.
Well, Matthew doesn't have the authority to fire anyone.
This is on-air talker-person Matthew Brock with a special shout out to my cats, Chew-Chew and Mitt-Mitt.
Hi.
WNYX news time-- Uh D-do--? Do you have--? Do you have a watch? [MOUTHING WORDS.]
[.]
[.]
DAVE: Now, Lisa, look, we're short-staffed as it is.
I need you on the air, not off doing what-- Whatever the hell it is you wanna do.
What is it? An undercover exposé.
Which could win us an award.
Or boost ratings.
Thus giving you a raise.
Me too.
I didn't say that.
Lisa, you've never done undercover work before.
It's too dangerous.
This place could use a little bit of danger.
Fine, I'll get Matthew to replace the fluorescent light bulbs again.
Yes, I am aware that it involves risks, but I am a reporter and it's part of my job.
Yeah, don't worry.
If need be, I'll pull her out, get her to a safe house for debriefing.
Mr.
James, why are you so gung ho about this? Because investigative reporting is the life's blood of American journalism.
Besides, I lost my golf date this afternoon, so I'm kind of bored.
All right.
Look, uh Okay.
I'll get Max to cover, but promise to be careful.
Thank you.
All right? All right.
Sir, couldn't you have just gone to a putting green or something? Dave, I didn't get a V-8 in my golf cart for no damn puttin' green.
Dave? I'm afraid I have some sad news to report.
Really.
One of your cats has a troubling cough? No.
I mean, I don't think so.
Actually, can I use your phone real quick? No.
You know what? Never mind.
That's not the sad news.
Uh-huh, then what is the sad news? Well, it seems your precious little Max Lewis is not the man that we thought he was.
Oh, really? Then who is he? Well, that we may never know, David.
But I had my people check up on his résumé and it seems that the stations he claims to have worked at have no record of a Max Lewis ever working there.
Y-y-your people checked up on this, did they? Yeah.
Your people? My-- My crack team of researchers, Dave.
Yeah.
They're not exactly cheap.
Dude, this is Monopoly money.
Oh.
Joe.
Joe, don't you have better things to do with your time? Yeah, but he's paying me.
This is still Monopoly money.
Sorry, sorry, wrong pocket.
Besides, what the freak said is true.
I checked my sources and Max Lewis hasn't worked at any of the radio stations on his résumé.
Uh-huh, your sources, I assume that means other electricians working at those stations? We're everywhere, Dave.
But don't worry, we like you.
Oh, that's a great comfort, Joe.
So you want me to get Max, so you can fire him? No.
Why not? Well, because I think this is a ridiculous witch hunt, motivated by your own naked ambition.
Well, if you think there's one iota of ambition in my nakedness, then you severely underestimate me.
Thank you for coming to Lucky Burger and have a lucky day.
Welcome to Lucky Burger.
May I take your order? Yeah.
Hey, Lisa.
Lorna.
Sir, it's Lorna.
Oh, Lorna.
I thought you were going undercover at-- Would you like to try one of our Lucky Meal specials? It's half price with a purchase of a large soft drink.
Yes, Lorna.
That would be good, thank you.
One LM special.
Meet me by the ketchup dispenser.
But I actually want one of the Lucky Meals.
Shh! Excuse me, sir.
The condiment area was a little bit dingy.
I thought I'd wipe it down.
That's good thinking, Lorna.
You go right ahead.
Just act natural, sir.
Get yourself some ketchup.
Perfectly natural.
You would not believe what I've seen.
Yeah? Open garbage containers, unwashed cutting boards, spoiled meat.
Spoiled meat at a Lucky Burger.
What a scoop.
Nobody ever said journalism was glamorous.
Yeah, I know.
But wouldn't it be a more newsworthy story if you found spoiled meat at, like, a restaurant that John-John Kennedy might eat at? In my back pocket, you will find an envelope containing two micro-cassettes.
Take them to Dave.
Sir? Can't touch you there.
Have a Lucky day, sir.
Okey-dokey.
Psst! Hey, you wanted to see me? Yeah, it's about your résumé.
Max? Max?! Dave, what did you do to Max? Nothing.
Max! Well, well, well.
Looks like we flushed out another rat, didn't we? J-just go after him before he runs into traffic and hurts himself.
No need.
I already got my best man hot on his tail.
You're supposed to chase him.
Hot pursuit costs extra.
How much? A dollar.
Do you have a dollar? I think Max does.
Oh, good.
[.]
Hey, Joe.
Any-- Any luck? No, I talked to the guards in the lobby, they said he hasn't passed, so he's still in the building.
That is so odd.
No, Dave, it isn't odd, it is reality.
And you better buckle your seat belt because reality sucks.
Have you ever been bitch-slapped? Well, I think I figured out what Max Lewis' secret is.
Oh, let me guess.
He's an alien? No.
Time traveler? No.
CIA operative? No.
Robot man? You know, half-man, half-- Half-robot.
I know what a robot man is.
Of course.
You're overlooking the obvious.
Evil magician? Serial bigamist.
Oh, yes.
That-- That is obvious, now that you mention it.
Dude, 37 different jobs Yeah.
means 37 different cities, Ooh, la, la.
I'd like to get me some of that action.
I found him, Dave.
Men's room, second stall.
Oh, good.
I didn't know you were looking for him.
I wasn't.
Don't worry about it.
I'll have my best man break him down Baretta style.
I'm so tired of you.
Baretta-style breakdown's gonna cost you 15 bucks, bro.
What? Well, what can you give me for 5? Starsky interrogation.
What about Hutch? I'll give you both for 7.
50.
Too rich for my blood.
[.]
Lisa Miller, 10/18/98, 3:45.
Location: Lucky Burger locker room.
I'm right now looking at a case of beef patties that's been left out since 9 this morning.
And right now, sits in a pool of its own bloody water.
[BANG.]
Lori? Lorna.
Lorna, sir.
Lorna, right.
What are you, uh, doing back here? Oh, I saw a mess, and I thought I'd clean it up.
Aren't you supposed to be on break? Yes, uh, that's right.
And you thought you'd just come back here and clean up this mess? Yeah.
I know that sounds a little bit strange, but, uh Strange? Confirms my suspicions.
Really? That you are our new assistant manager.
Excuse me? Yes.
I know, we've been watching you for quite a while, and frankly, we like what we see.
In the short time you've been here, you've shown us the kind of worker you are.
And that is a Grade A worker.
Assistant manager? Congratulations.
Thank you.
You deserve it.
No.
No what? No to whatever you were gonna say.
Okay.
But before I leave, I thought you should see this.
Max left it on his desk.
Ah.
I think it's supposed to be you, Dave.
Yeah, I see that.
Well, I guess this is the final straw for Max Lewis now.
Matthew, this is drawn on the back of your time sheet, with the same pen that you used to fill out your time sheet.
And what am I supposed to be riding there, anyway? Pegasus, the winged horse of ancient myth.
Uh-huh.
And that is insulting because? A mere mortal riding a horse of the gods? Come on, you can't get more ridiculous than that.
Uh-huh.
Get out of here.
[.]
DAVE: Max, it's about your résumé.
I lied on my résumé.
So I gathered.
Under special skills I listed kickboxing.
I've never kicked anyone in my life.
Uh Uh, M-Max, how do you explain the fact that of the 37 stations you listed on your résumé, not one of them has ever heard of Max Lewis? Oh.
Well, of course not.
That's just a name I made up for you guys.
Uhcome again? "Max Lewis.
" It's just my current nom de radio.
See, I use a different one in every city I work in.
Well, why? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Because it's show business, Dave.
In Cleveland, I worked at a rock station, so I used the name Knute Rockly.
But in Dayton, it was classical.
Hence, the name Alastair McCello.
In New Orleans, I was The Jazzmanian Devil.
You see? Or in Madison, I was Dr.
Dan.
In Seattle, I was-- Wait a minute, you were Dr.
Dan? Dr.
Dan the Bull-Sesh Man? Indeed, I was.
I used to listen to your show.
Thought the only people that listened to that show were confused adolescents with serious questions about their sexuality.
I never called in.
I think we ought to wrap this up, Lorna.
Dave needs you at the office and I'm sick of these fries.
Not now.
Ryan, could you get those fries under the lamp? Dave listened to the tapes.
He said you got more than enough for a full half-hour on health code violations.
[CHUCKLES.]
Health code violations? What health code violations? The ones you came here to report about.
Yeah, well, those don't exist anymore.
W-what happened to 'em? I cleaned them up.
Uh, Margie, we need a mop-up by Bin 3.
You cleaned them up?! Shh.
Yes, we did.
Me and my team back there.
I can assure you that right now that kitchen is as clean as your table, maybe even cleaner.
Fries, Ryan.
[.]
MAX: In Boston, I was Charlie Chowder.
And then in San Antonio, I was Johnny Tumbleweed.
The High Desert DJ.
Hey, you listened to me in San Antone? No, it's just that you mentioned that one already.
Yup.
That one and many, many, many others.
Thanks, Max.
I'm glad we could clear this up.
But we've cleared up nothing, Dave.
You're still avoiding the big question.
What big question? Who is Max Lewis? You are Max Lewis.
No, no, no, no.
Max Lewis can't just be me.
Oh, why not? Because that's not how radio works, Dave.
What's his persona? His hook? What are his likes? What are his dislikes? Does he come to life in the spring? When did he start losing his hair? When did he--? Hey! Lisa, is it possible you've forgotten why you're here in the first place? No.
It's just that I'm assistant manager now, and there are more responsibilities that come with that position.
Like, what--? What am I supposed to--? What am I supposed to tell Dave? Just tell Dave that Lucky Burger's the third fastest growing restaurant on the Eastern seaboard and-- And I'll be back to work tomorrow.
Or, uh, next week at the latest.
[BEEPING.]
Oh, buns are done.
Gotta go.
[.]
You just need to be a guy who reads the news.
Give me some back story, all right? Who are Max Lewis' friends? What are his hobbies? Where is he from? Where do you come from? I'd rather not say.
Fine.
All right, Max, tell you what.
As long as you're on the air reading the news, I really don't care where you claim to be from, all right? Just pick a place.
It doesn't matter to me.
[IN FRENCH ACCENT.]
Clear and sunny, with lows in the 50s.
This is Max Lewis.
WNYX news time: The West Side highway.
She was tres jammed after a truck-- Oh, how you say? --jackknifed at 66th street.
More in 30 seconds.
Absolutely not.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
You said it didn't matter where Max Lewis was from, right? So it's cool with you if he's from Paris.
No.
No, it's not cool with me.
Just read the news like a normal person, all right? No French accent.
Okay.
All right? [IN SPANISH ACCENT.]
In Washington, the Congress, she debated a mucho grande subsidy for highway construction.
For Pete's sake.
Ruth.
I'll let this slide this time, but these condiments can spoil within minutes if they're not refrigerated properly.
Excuse me, miss.
Yes? Ron Jarek, New York Health Department.
You weren't planning to serve these condiments? No.
No, of course not.
We care just as much about the health of our customers as you do.
Yes, I'm sure you do.
W-what are you writing? What is that? It's a standard form.
Are you writing this up? Oh, come on.
I told you I was just about to put them away.
If you leave the mayonnaise out, you've gotta pay the fine.
A fine? That's right.
I need you to show me the freezer and the waste disposal area.
Okay.
Ron, if we're talking about a fine, that's fair.
But I don't think either of us needs to go through the hassle of all that paperwork? Hm? Looks like somebody dropped a bit of lettuce on the floor.
[.]
Hey, what if Max Lewis were from--? No.
May I finish? No.
What if Max Lewis was from Hawaii? No.
Y-you know how you're talking right now? Yes.
That's what I want, all right? Just be yourself.
Nothing more, nothing less, all right? I can't just be myself.
Well, you're doing it right now.
No, I'm not.
This is just a character I came up with to help me deal with you.
Be yourself or you're fired.
I can't.
Yes, you can.
No, I can't! You can.
No, I can't.
Don't you get it? No one wants to know the real me.
Well, why not? Because I'm-- I'mweird.
It's okay, Max.
You know, I work very hard to conceal my weirdness from the world.
And now you just want me to unleash it on everyone.
Everyone is a little bit weird.
I collect buttons.
That sounds like a fun hobby.
And rubber bands.
I put peanut butter on practically everything.
Even steak.
That's an acquired taste.
But it's hardly that weird.
I still have the sweater that my mother knitted me when I was a baby.
Well, that's sweet.
And I'm wearing it right now.
Welcome to WNYX.
May I take your order? That's very funny.
Are you on a break? Yeah, a permanent break.
She got fired.
Oh, my God.
Fired from Lucky Burger.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, how humiliating.
I'm sorry.
What'd you do? Tell her.
I got arrested.
God.
For what? I tried to bribe the health inspector.
Louder.
I tried to bribe the health inspector, all right? Yes, I got a little bit carried away, but I swear to God if I just had five more minutes, I'd have been home free.
Furthermore, I have all my windows covered with aluminum foil.
To keep the light out? No, to keep them clean.
But it doesn't work.
Max.
I'll tell you what, Max.
Come with me, all right? Come on.
Come on, come on.
Now, Max.
I-I-I think that your fear stems from the fact that you feel like you're too weird for your co-workers, right? Yes.
All right, now, I want you to look around.
Not over there, over here, Max.
Max, I want you to look.
See? Here's-- Here we have Lisa.
Who, uh, today very nearly gave up a career in journalism for a life in the fast-food industry.
Over here we have, uh, Beth, who, uh, who dresses like a barmaid from Bladerunner.
Mr.
James, a billionaire who has spent the entire day eating food that he knows for a fact to be spoiled.
Joe, who's earned upwards of $11 working as an amateur surveillance expert.
Albeit, half of that is Monopoly money.
And, of course, Matthew who appears to have taken the surveillance into his own hands.
I get it.
Everybody here is weird.
Exactly.
It's like you and your hair.
Yes.
Good example, Max.
So I can really just be myself? Yes.
Indulge in my likes and dislikes? Freely express my opinions? Absolutely.
I can even use my own voice? Max, I would like nothing better.
[SIGHS.]
[DIFFERENT VOICE.]
Dave, I can't thank you enough.
You know, that-- You know-- No-- Ew.
[.]
This is Max Lewis, WNYX news time: He's good.
It makes you wonder why he was fired from 37 different stations.
Don't ask, don't tell.
So you're saying he was a gay Marine? I know why he was fired so many times.
Really? Why? Because I hate him.
No one expects you to love him as much as you loved Bill, but I had to hire someone.
I'm all for him being hired, Dave.
I just wasn't aware that you were gonna give him the job that's rightfully mine.
What job is that? On-air news-talker person.
You know, the job in the booth, whatever that's called.
I don't know.
Why can't you just give him another job? Like my job.
He could take over my job.
What is your job? Look, I sit over there at the-- You know, at the desk, doing, ahem, work-related stuff.
It's very complicated what I do, okay? Oh, hi, you.
Hey, Max, nice job in there.
Thanks.
Hey, Dave? Mm-hm.
That guy who hates me left this note on my desk.
No, Matthew doesn't hate you.
He's just confused.
"Dear newly-hired on-air talker-person, See? you're fried.
" I assume he meant fired, but I wasn't sure.
Well, Matthew doesn't have the authority to fire anyone.
This is on-air talker-person Matthew Brock with a special shout out to my cats, Chew-Chew and Mitt-Mitt.
Hi.
WNYX news time-- Uh D-do--? Do you have--? Do you have a watch? [MOUTHING WORDS.]
[.]
[.]
DAVE: Now, Lisa, look, we're short-staffed as it is.
I need you on the air, not off doing what-- Whatever the hell it is you wanna do.
What is it? An undercover exposé.
Which could win us an award.
Or boost ratings.
Thus giving you a raise.
Me too.
I didn't say that.
Lisa, you've never done undercover work before.
It's too dangerous.
This place could use a little bit of danger.
Fine, I'll get Matthew to replace the fluorescent light bulbs again.
Yes, I am aware that it involves risks, but I am a reporter and it's part of my job.
Yeah, don't worry.
If need be, I'll pull her out, get her to a safe house for debriefing.
Mr.
James, why are you so gung ho about this? Because investigative reporting is the life's blood of American journalism.
Besides, I lost my golf date this afternoon, so I'm kind of bored.
All right.
Look, uh Okay.
I'll get Max to cover, but promise to be careful.
Thank you.
All right? All right.
Sir, couldn't you have just gone to a putting green or something? Dave, I didn't get a V-8 in my golf cart for no damn puttin' green.
Dave? I'm afraid I have some sad news to report.
Really.
One of your cats has a troubling cough? No.
I mean, I don't think so.
Actually, can I use your phone real quick? No.
You know what? Never mind.
That's not the sad news.
Uh-huh, then what is the sad news? Well, it seems your precious little Max Lewis is not the man that we thought he was.
Oh, really? Then who is he? Well, that we may never know, David.
But I had my people check up on his résumé and it seems that the stations he claims to have worked at have no record of a Max Lewis ever working there.
Y-y-your people checked up on this, did they? Yeah.
Your people? My-- My crack team of researchers, Dave.
Yeah.
They're not exactly cheap.
Dude, this is Monopoly money.
Oh.
Joe.
Joe, don't you have better things to do with your time? Yeah, but he's paying me.
This is still Monopoly money.
Sorry, sorry, wrong pocket.
Besides, what the freak said is true.
I checked my sources and Max Lewis hasn't worked at any of the radio stations on his résumé.
Uh-huh, your sources, I assume that means other electricians working at those stations? We're everywhere, Dave.
But don't worry, we like you.
Oh, that's a great comfort, Joe.
So you want me to get Max, so you can fire him? No.
Why not? Well, because I think this is a ridiculous witch hunt, motivated by your own naked ambition.
Well, if you think there's one iota of ambition in my nakedness, then you severely underestimate me.
Thank you for coming to Lucky Burger and have a lucky day.
Welcome to Lucky Burger.
May I take your order? Yeah.
Hey, Lisa.
Lorna.
Sir, it's Lorna.
Oh, Lorna.
I thought you were going undercover at-- Would you like to try one of our Lucky Meal specials? It's half price with a purchase of a large soft drink.
Yes, Lorna.
That would be good, thank you.
One LM special.
Meet me by the ketchup dispenser.
But I actually want one of the Lucky Meals.
Shh! Excuse me, sir.
The condiment area was a little bit dingy.
I thought I'd wipe it down.
That's good thinking, Lorna.
You go right ahead.
Just act natural, sir.
Get yourself some ketchup.
Perfectly natural.
You would not believe what I've seen.
Yeah? Open garbage containers, unwashed cutting boards, spoiled meat.
Spoiled meat at a Lucky Burger.
What a scoop.
Nobody ever said journalism was glamorous.
Yeah, I know.
But wouldn't it be a more newsworthy story if you found spoiled meat at, like, a restaurant that John-John Kennedy might eat at? In my back pocket, you will find an envelope containing two micro-cassettes.
Take them to Dave.
Sir? Can't touch you there.
Have a Lucky day, sir.
Okey-dokey.
Psst! Hey, you wanted to see me? Yeah, it's about your résumé.
Max? Max?! Dave, what did you do to Max? Nothing.
Max! Well, well, well.
Looks like we flushed out another rat, didn't we? J-just go after him before he runs into traffic and hurts himself.
No need.
I already got my best man hot on his tail.
You're supposed to chase him.
Hot pursuit costs extra.
How much? A dollar.
Do you have a dollar? I think Max does.
Oh, good.
[.]
Hey, Joe.
Any-- Any luck? No, I talked to the guards in the lobby, they said he hasn't passed, so he's still in the building.
That is so odd.
No, Dave, it isn't odd, it is reality.
And you better buckle your seat belt because reality sucks.
Have you ever been bitch-slapped? Well, I think I figured out what Max Lewis' secret is.
Oh, let me guess.
He's an alien? No.
Time traveler? No.
CIA operative? No.
Robot man? You know, half-man, half-- Half-robot.
I know what a robot man is.
Of course.
You're overlooking the obvious.
Evil magician? Serial bigamist.
Oh, yes.
That-- That is obvious, now that you mention it.
Dude, 37 different jobs Yeah.
means 37 different cities, Ooh, la, la.
I'd like to get me some of that action.
I found him, Dave.
Men's room, second stall.
Oh, good.
I didn't know you were looking for him.
I wasn't.
Don't worry about it.
I'll have my best man break him down Baretta style.
I'm so tired of you.
Baretta-style breakdown's gonna cost you 15 bucks, bro.
What? Well, what can you give me for 5? Starsky interrogation.
What about Hutch? I'll give you both for 7.
50.
Too rich for my blood.
[.]
Lisa Miller, 10/18/98, 3:45.
Location: Lucky Burger locker room.
I'm right now looking at a case of beef patties that's been left out since 9 this morning.
And right now, sits in a pool of its own bloody water.
[BANG.]
Lori? Lorna.
Lorna, sir.
Lorna, right.
What are you, uh, doing back here? Oh, I saw a mess, and I thought I'd clean it up.
Aren't you supposed to be on break? Yes, uh, that's right.
And you thought you'd just come back here and clean up this mess? Yeah.
I know that sounds a little bit strange, but, uh Strange? Confirms my suspicions.
Really? That you are our new assistant manager.
Excuse me? Yes.
I know, we've been watching you for quite a while, and frankly, we like what we see.
In the short time you've been here, you've shown us the kind of worker you are.
And that is a Grade A worker.
Assistant manager? Congratulations.
Thank you.
You deserve it.
No.
No what? No to whatever you were gonna say.
Okay.
But before I leave, I thought you should see this.
Max left it on his desk.
Ah.
I think it's supposed to be you, Dave.
Yeah, I see that.
Well, I guess this is the final straw for Max Lewis now.
Matthew, this is drawn on the back of your time sheet, with the same pen that you used to fill out your time sheet.
And what am I supposed to be riding there, anyway? Pegasus, the winged horse of ancient myth.
Uh-huh.
And that is insulting because? A mere mortal riding a horse of the gods? Come on, you can't get more ridiculous than that.
Uh-huh.
Get out of here.
[.]
DAVE: Max, it's about your résumé.
I lied on my résumé.
So I gathered.
Under special skills I listed kickboxing.
I've never kicked anyone in my life.
Uh Uh, M-Max, how do you explain the fact that of the 37 stations you listed on your résumé, not one of them has ever heard of Max Lewis? Oh.
Well, of course not.
That's just a name I made up for you guys.
Uhcome again? "Max Lewis.
" It's just my current nom de radio.
See, I use a different one in every city I work in.
Well, why? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Because it's show business, Dave.
In Cleveland, I worked at a rock station, so I used the name Knute Rockly.
But in Dayton, it was classical.
Hence, the name Alastair McCello.
In New Orleans, I was The Jazzmanian Devil.
You see? Or in Madison, I was Dr.
Dan.
In Seattle, I was-- Wait a minute, you were Dr.
Dan? Dr.
Dan the Bull-Sesh Man? Indeed, I was.
I used to listen to your show.
Thought the only people that listened to that show were confused adolescents with serious questions about their sexuality.
I never called in.
I think we ought to wrap this up, Lorna.
Dave needs you at the office and I'm sick of these fries.
Not now.
Ryan, could you get those fries under the lamp? Dave listened to the tapes.
He said you got more than enough for a full half-hour on health code violations.
[CHUCKLES.]
Health code violations? What health code violations? The ones you came here to report about.
Yeah, well, those don't exist anymore.
W-what happened to 'em? I cleaned them up.
Uh, Margie, we need a mop-up by Bin 3.
You cleaned them up?! Shh.
Yes, we did.
Me and my team back there.
I can assure you that right now that kitchen is as clean as your table, maybe even cleaner.
Fries, Ryan.
[.]
MAX: In Boston, I was Charlie Chowder.
And then in San Antonio, I was Johnny Tumbleweed.
The High Desert DJ.
Hey, you listened to me in San Antone? No, it's just that you mentioned that one already.
Yup.
That one and many, many, many others.
Thanks, Max.
I'm glad we could clear this up.
But we've cleared up nothing, Dave.
You're still avoiding the big question.
What big question? Who is Max Lewis? You are Max Lewis.
No, no, no, no.
Max Lewis can't just be me.
Oh, why not? Because that's not how radio works, Dave.
What's his persona? His hook? What are his likes? What are his dislikes? Does he come to life in the spring? When did he start losing his hair? When did he--? Hey! Lisa, is it possible you've forgotten why you're here in the first place? No.
It's just that I'm assistant manager now, and there are more responsibilities that come with that position.
Like, what--? What am I supposed to--? What am I supposed to tell Dave? Just tell Dave that Lucky Burger's the third fastest growing restaurant on the Eastern seaboard and-- And I'll be back to work tomorrow.
Or, uh, next week at the latest.
[BEEPING.]
Oh, buns are done.
Gotta go.
[.]
You just need to be a guy who reads the news.
Give me some back story, all right? Who are Max Lewis' friends? What are his hobbies? Where is he from? Where do you come from? I'd rather not say.
Fine.
All right, Max, tell you what.
As long as you're on the air reading the news, I really don't care where you claim to be from, all right? Just pick a place.
It doesn't matter to me.
[IN FRENCH ACCENT.]
Clear and sunny, with lows in the 50s.
This is Max Lewis.
WNYX news time: The West Side highway.
She was tres jammed after a truck-- Oh, how you say? --jackknifed at 66th street.
More in 30 seconds.
Absolutely not.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
You said it didn't matter where Max Lewis was from, right? So it's cool with you if he's from Paris.
No.
No, it's not cool with me.
Just read the news like a normal person, all right? No French accent.
Okay.
All right? [IN SPANISH ACCENT.]
In Washington, the Congress, she debated a mucho grande subsidy for highway construction.
For Pete's sake.
Ruth.
I'll let this slide this time, but these condiments can spoil within minutes if they're not refrigerated properly.
Excuse me, miss.
Yes? Ron Jarek, New York Health Department.
You weren't planning to serve these condiments? No.
No, of course not.
We care just as much about the health of our customers as you do.
Yes, I'm sure you do.
W-what are you writing? What is that? It's a standard form.
Are you writing this up? Oh, come on.
I told you I was just about to put them away.
If you leave the mayonnaise out, you've gotta pay the fine.
A fine? That's right.
I need you to show me the freezer and the waste disposal area.
Okay.
Ron, if we're talking about a fine, that's fair.
But I don't think either of us needs to go through the hassle of all that paperwork? Hm? Looks like somebody dropped a bit of lettuce on the floor.
[.]
Hey, what if Max Lewis were from--? No.
May I finish? No.
What if Max Lewis was from Hawaii? No.
Y-you know how you're talking right now? Yes.
That's what I want, all right? Just be yourself.
Nothing more, nothing less, all right? I can't just be myself.
Well, you're doing it right now.
No, I'm not.
This is just a character I came up with to help me deal with you.
Be yourself or you're fired.
I can't.
Yes, you can.
No, I can't! You can.
No, I can't.
Don't you get it? No one wants to know the real me.
Well, why not? Because I'm-- I'mweird.
It's okay, Max.
You know, I work very hard to conceal my weirdness from the world.
And now you just want me to unleash it on everyone.
Everyone is a little bit weird.
I collect buttons.
That sounds like a fun hobby.
And rubber bands.
I put peanut butter on practically everything.
Even steak.
That's an acquired taste.
But it's hardly that weird.
I still have the sweater that my mother knitted me when I was a baby.
Well, that's sweet.
And I'm wearing it right now.
Welcome to WNYX.
May I take your order? That's very funny.
Are you on a break? Yeah, a permanent break.
She got fired.
Oh, my God.
Fired from Lucky Burger.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, how humiliating.
I'm sorry.
What'd you do? Tell her.
I got arrested.
God.
For what? I tried to bribe the health inspector.
Louder.
I tried to bribe the health inspector, all right? Yes, I got a little bit carried away, but I swear to God if I just had five more minutes, I'd have been home free.
Furthermore, I have all my windows covered with aluminum foil.
To keep the light out? No, to keep them clean.
But it doesn't work.
Max.
I'll tell you what, Max.
Come with me, all right? Come on.
Come on, come on.
Now, Max.
I-I-I think that your fear stems from the fact that you feel like you're too weird for your co-workers, right? Yes.
All right, now, I want you to look around.
Not over there, over here, Max.
Max, I want you to look.
See? Here's-- Here we have Lisa.
Who, uh, today very nearly gave up a career in journalism for a life in the fast-food industry.
Over here we have, uh, Beth, who, uh, who dresses like a barmaid from Bladerunner.
Mr.
James, a billionaire who has spent the entire day eating food that he knows for a fact to be spoiled.
Joe, who's earned upwards of $11 working as an amateur surveillance expert.
Albeit, half of that is Monopoly money.
And, of course, Matthew who appears to have taken the surveillance into his own hands.
I get it.
Everybody here is weird.
Exactly.
It's like you and your hair.
Yes.
Good example, Max.
So I can really just be myself? Yes.
Indulge in my likes and dislikes? Freely express my opinions? Absolutely.
I can even use my own voice? Max, I would like nothing better.
[SIGHS.]
[DIFFERENT VOICE.]
Dave, I can't thank you enough.
You know, that-- You know-- No-- Ew.
[.]