One Foot in the Grave (1990) s05e03 Episode Script

# They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # VICTOR: The absolute limit, that was You wouldn't believe that anyone could pick their nose all the way through Dances With Wolves, would you? Three and a half hours I had to sit next to that It was always the right nostril, he never touched the left one Always the one on my side You'd think he was digging the Channel Tunnel (KEYS CLINKING) Come on, what's the matter? I'm ruddy freezing out here MARGARET: It won't turn It's jammed again, bloody thing! You're joking, surely Here, give it here I managed it this morning by jiggling it slightly to the Bugger Turn, for God's sake MARGARET: £260 we paid for this! For a complete set of new locks so secure even we can't get in Good old Yellow Pages God Almighty If I get through this alive, I'm never going to get anyone in to do anything ever again (GASPS) Oh, I've got ruddy cramp now all down my left side (GRUNTING) (PHONE RINGING) What? Yes, I know there is Yes, I know It's me Yes, I'm on a ladder, going through my own bedroom window Why the hell do you think I'm doing it? All because the lady loves Milk Tray? Pull your blinds and go back to bed The mentality of some people Are you all right? Hang on while I put some pillows down Yes, if you would It'll be a big help Just How the hell did you get back in? Oh, yes, well, I managed to jiggle it about somehow or other in the end Funny, isn't it? It suddenly turned Funny? Yes, sometimes I wonder just how much priceless hilarity I can take in one evening Why is it that no matter how long you stand there shaking it, there's always one last drip that you have to dab off with a sheet of toilet paper? It's one of those strange facts of life you can never work out Did you say you would pick up the makings of that casserole for me this morning? Oh, I suppose if I have to Run the gauntlet again with that woman at the greengrocers who seems to fancy me The one that keeps wrapping up my vegetables in a suggestive manner Wrapping up your what? It's got so I'm afraid to go in there and ask for a parsnip Got back last week and found lipstick marks on the end of a spring onion -What's that all about? -What are you talking Are you talking about Millicent in the greengrocers? Millicent Miles fancies you? Oh, God, she must be desperate! I'm not imagining it I can feel her mentally skinning my beetroot every time she looks at me I mean, you would think that a woman of her age might (GASPING) (GROANING) What have you done now? I've just put Olbas Oil on that You know it stings to high heaven Stings? It's nearly taken my eye out (DOORBELL RINGING) Take your life in your hands every time you blow your nose in this house Oh, shit -Morning -Morning Thank you Thank you Ah! My tickets for Wembley, Thursday night Now, what's this? Surely not that new pair of gloves I sent away for Oh, in the name of sanity, what's this? Can't anyone get anything right anymore? (SIGHING) (DOORKNOB RATTLING) (SPLUTTERING) I do not believe it! What's happened now? Someone's just stolen our fridge Just Just then When I went upstairs, as bold as brass, they must just have come (SPLUTTERING) Stolen? The fridge? (PHONE RINGING) Speaking Yes Oh, my God Well Do they know what ward she's in or anything? Ah, right Bye Just saw the top of it disappearing down the road in a truck I mean, can you believe that? Can you actually believe that? Jean's had an accident What? When? What, a bad one? Last night On her way back from her sister's in Blackpool The car went off the road into a ditch They've taken her up the General so I'll meet you up there in my lunch hour, all right? Oh, hello Don't worry She's not as bad as she looks Most of it's superficial The main thing is this nasty crack all the way round her jaw So, I'm afraid she won't really be able to speak to you at all Oh, really? Oh, dear Oh, and her spirits are very low I think she could definitely do with some cheering up Uh I don't suppose you know if you'll be out by Christmas or not? (MUMBLING) Sorry? Hang on, I've got a pen here What's this? ''Commode'' What You mean, you want to (MUMBLING) Oh, well, just hang on a second, then Oh, excuse me JEAN: Margaret! Thanks for coming They said you were in a private room I was at first It's like musical chairs in this place All right, you just put your arm around me That's it That's it Easier, please Oh, read that Read all these Oh, I tell you what I did do up there Guess what? On my very first day, I won first prize in a competition In Louis Tussaud's You know, the big waxwork museum on the front -In Blackpool? -Guess who bought the winning lottery ticket So what did you win? Well, I had a choice of £500 in cash £500! or, now don't laugh, a chance to have a waxwork made of myself, all properly modelled with casts and everything, by one of their experts Right Which did you choose? And then, now can you believe this? Some bastard forces open the back door and waltzes away with our fridge Well, I suppose I better be moving I don't know what's happened to Margaret today, I'm sure Oh! Your favourite TV programme will just be starting, won't it? Let me just switch that on for you (NEIGHBOURS THEME TUNE ON TV) Well, I'll see you again, I expect All right And I hope you're feeling better soon Goodbye, Mrs Warboys Goodbye (GROANING) VICTOR: Oh, wonderful That's all we need, isn't it? A wax dummy of Mrs Warboys cluttering up the house What on earth possessed her, for goodness sake? It's being sent down on Thursday And she won't be there to take delivery of it Oh, what else was I supposed to say? We could always stick it upstairs in the spare room or somewhere Yes, well, let's just keep it away from the radiator or she might start dripping through the floorboards Oh, yes Do you really? I seem to remember you swore on your grandmother's grave to come round yesterday Pity she's not buried in quicksand What? Because we can't open the front or the back now It took us half an hour to get this locked again properly yesterday And now the key has broken off Are you listening to a cricket match there? (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, can you hold on a minute, please? Just a sec Oh Don't worry, I haven't come for your fridge Hello Good morning How are you? I'm afraid we're still trying to get those locks sorted out, actually Bad as the one on the back of my van, then Someone had that off last week It's the age we live in Anyway, me darling, I've got your maris pipers out here -I won't be a tick -Oh, right, right Uh, are you still there? Hello? Yes Right And you've got my address there? Yes, it's Victor Meldrew, care of Alcatraz No, no, no What are you doing? Hold on It's all right, Victor, I'm a big girl -I've got it -I think I can manage Oh! Oh, I'm sorry If it's not one thing, it's another with me just lately Don't worry What with yesterday in the pub A young girl went for my purse Just stuck her hand under the table and grabbed hold of it Poor old Piers, is he okay? Your husband? I lost my husband five years ago Oh, uh Sorry We weren't that close towards the end I think you get a feeling, don't you? When something's there and when it isn't Morning, Millicent You know the back door of your van's wide open? Mrs Aylesbury's boys are out there practising dropkicks with an aubergine Oh, they're not -Well, I'll love you and leave you then, Victor -Yes You can settle up with me next week What happened to this? The thread in the middle section's broken I think we'll have to get a new one Oh, right Well, perhaps we can have a look the next time we're Oh, my God When did this arrive? Oh, yes, just after you went round the corner, Haven't you opened it yet to have a look? I'm afraid I have Yes And? -I'll go and see to the potatoes -Right Six hours of just sitting here waiting Well, I've had enough of this bloody caper now Have you been wiping up the cheese grater with this again? Rang up the shop ''Oh, I'm sorry, he's gone home now And it's his day off tomorrow'' I'll give him a bloody day off, ruddy locksmiths MARGARET: What time train are you catching tomorrow? Kick-off's 7:30 Which should just be fine, give me time this afternoon to run one or two little errands What sort of errands? -Yeah? -Good afternoon Mr Laverick? Of Laverick Locks and Bolts for all your household security needs? -Yeah -Ah Sorry to trouble you, my name is Meldrew We've spoken several times on the phone about some work you did for me last Friday Mr Meldrew! How are you? I haven't forgotten you Only, we've had a few problems at the office this week I can only apologise most sincerely and I promise someone will be around first thing tomorrow morning, on my absolute word of honour Yes, well, I'm afraid I'm not really interested in your word of honour, Mr Laverick I waited in all day for you four times now and, to be honest, I'm not prepared to be pissed around any longer Awful midges If I were you, I'd keep this door shut before they get everywhere What (LAVERICK SPLUTTERING) You won't want them in your porch, either, will you? There we are That's all nice and secure for you, isn't it? You demented fool! What the hell are you playing at? It's all right Your wife will probably let you back in when she gets Oh, no, I tell a lie Didn't someone say that you lived on your own? Yes, of course they did In that case, you'll very probably be wanting this back Give me back the bloody key! I'm sorry? Oh, what, you mean you'd like it posted through the letterbox? -Yes! -Yes, what? Yes please Righty-o, then There we are I've put a first class stamp on it, so it should be with you first thing in the morning Oh, and in the meantime, be very careful of that umbrella plant They don't like a lot of water (BRAKES SQUEAKING) -MILLICENT: Cheer up, it may never happen -Oh Can I give you a lift anywhere? You'll be waiting there till doomsday I know I'm supposed to be catching a train at 6:00 Let's see if we can squeeze you in the back, then Shouldn't take more than 1 0 minutes Sorry about all this palaver I'll get around to fixing it one of these days If you can find a space between the collies I'm sorry I'm all a bit chocker at the moment Yes, well, I don't think I'll be bothered about that, so long as I get there In? There you are You get yourself comfy, Victor I've got one quick call on the way We'll have bags of time Hello, Mad, it's only me Are you well today? (VICTOR SHOUTING) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Anyone home? Oh, I see you've managed to get that lock off, then, from the back door at last Margaret? Margaret? (SIGHING) Margaret? What are you Oh, Jean -When did you come out? -Oh, they turfed me out a couple of hours ago, said they needed the bed Naturally, I couldn't wait to get round here and Well, where is it? Ah Um, we put it in the spare room What can I say, Victor? Didn't I say things keep happening just lately? I'm really so sorry Your big trip to Wembley and everything and it's all my fault Yes, well Look, it's not the same, no way it's the same, but if you wanna stop off at my place and watch it on the box, -you're more than welcome -It's not on the box On satellite it is On the sports channel I mean, it's the very least I can do for you, after everything Funny, isn't it? For the best part of a month I've been dying for this moment and now I must have been out of my tiny mind to think that anyone would want this in their house Other than to scare away the rats -It's absolutely hideous -It's a very good likeness, though Well, it's nice, the way they've caught your smile and everything Yes Well -What day do the dustmen come round here? -Friday I'll give you a ring sometime, then -Wait You can't leave it -Good night, Margaret COMMENTATOR: (ON TV) I'm afraid we have to say that on the day, neither side really managed to find the reserves of form or character that were needed to lift this match out of the doldrums.
(SIGHING) I don't suppose I missed very much in the end So, you're going to leave me now, are you? All on my own? Sorry? Oh, yes I thought I'd walk home and get some fresh air Oh, I don't know The scrapes we get into, the pair of us I suppose we're very much alike really, when it comes to it Anyway, bedtime Hm? If you're going to walk out on me, there's not much to stay up for No (TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello, Margaret? It's Millicent from the greengrocers Victor still not home yet? Uh, no He's in London with some friends for the football I don't imagine he'll be How did you know that? Ah Well, I don't suppose there's any point in trying to keep it from you I'm afraid your husband didn't actually go to London tonight He's been here, at my place I don't think I need to paint a picture, do I? Suffice to say, it was a lot more fun than football You're back early Oh, yes Margaret, I can't believe what I've done It was one of those stupid moments of weakness that -Would you like to tell me about it? -Not really Tell me about it! I locked that locksmith in his porch -What? -I went round to see him, locked him in his porch, took the key away and posted it back to him I suppose I must be cracking up altogether now Locksmith? I'm talking about Millicent! I've just had her on the phone telling me that you've been round at her house tonight Oh, yeah, well, yes, I'm afraid she gave me a lift and the van was towed away so I missed the train, so I ended up watching the match in her house on Sky Well What's she been saying to you? Victor, look me in the eyes and tell me nothing happened between you and Millicent tonight Nothing happened between us Absolutely nothing Margaret? (DOOR SLAMS) (DOORBELL RINGING) -Hello, Millicent -Oh! So, what have you come to tell me? -I suppose he's denied the whole thing -Well, of course -I mean, naturally, he's going to deny it -Naturally -Because it never happened -Never -You're not telling me you believe him? -That's right, Millicent My God! He's got you well-trained No It's called trust, Millicent You should try looking it up in the dictionary sometime It's next to ''trollop'' Oh, so I imagined the whole thing, did I? That your husband came upstairs and got into bed with me tonight? Imagined? No Invented Because, unfortunately, the evening didn't quite go the way you planned, did it? The way I planned? The one thing I never took you for, Margaret, was gullible I mean, I really thought you were stronger than that Yes? Well, we'll see, won't we, just how strong I am? And in future, we'll be getting our potatoes from Sainsbury's (URINATING) Unbelievable the way people are sometimes I suppose I should have known I was dicing with death there from the word go How's your stomach? Yes Much better than it was when I was being sick in her bathroom An hour and a half in the back of that van with all those rotting onions and then all those brandies It's a wonder I've got any stomach left Still, I suppose it all says quite a lot about us when you think about it I mean, there aren't many wives who'd forgive me for going round to her house in the first place, even just to watch football Wouldn't they? I mean, at least we're a bit more mature than that Yes (VICTOR SCREAMING) # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #