Portlandia (2011) s05e03 Episode Script

What are these, cookies? Is that your image here on the back? No.
Images of females on a box that you're just selling? You should get a patch for confrontation.
Go to your supervisor and say, "I don't do this!" Do you know what it costs to run a place? And you're asking for me to buy boxes of cookies? It's not cookie time! I'm gonna get those sashes and tie them in a kno-- Get out! Candace, are you okay? Why'd you stop yelling at the girls? I'm having a heart attack.
What? Well, we should go to the hospital.
Yes, we should go to the hospital.
- And let me tell you something.
- What? The next time someone in your life has a heart attack, you immediately step to it! You have to wake up! - Wake up! - Okay, guys.
I just need five more minutes.
I need just a little more time to sleep.
Go to your room and start getting ready for school.
Mommy doesn't feel good.
I'll be up in a second.
You don't feel good? - Uh-uh.
- I don't feel good.
I feel like I can't stand up right now.
I want to sleep all day.
I wake up with this headache.
I wake up and I can't breathe.
I feel drugged.
Do you think it's these sheets? Are they, like, some weird fabric or something? If you're sick, you should go to the doctor.
Hey, buddy, didn't I tell you to go downstairs? Why are you by the door? Mm-mm-mm.
I just feel tired all the time.
Look at my eyes.
They're fully open right now.
It took me three nights to watch one episode of Masters Of Sex.
- I just kept falling asleep.
- Pretty common.
I mean, is there some kind of an -osis or an -itis? - No.
- Should I get an MRI? - No.
No.
- CT scan? Could you run an ultrasound over me? No.
Eat more fiber, get more exercise, but you're basically fine.
I-I don't know.
I think we're gonna want a second opinion, third opinion.
Obviously, something's wrong.
My feet seem extra cold on the wood floors.
Hmm.
After some coffee at night, after dinner there's, like, a certain jittery-ness.
And it doesn't seem right to me.
You're fine.
- Are you sure? - You guys are fine.
Great, well, we'll get a third opinion then.
Uh, you fine.
Come on.
You're supposed to know the gray area.
That's why we came to you.
Next.
In the cafeteria, you got to order the tuna aspic.
They don't just serve it.
Good luck with the surgery.
Honey, I'm so nervous.
Now, don't worry.
I'm gonna be fine.
It's the routine exam, you know? It's probably just a bad case of hiccups.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
It's the part of my job I hate.
Mr.
Peter"llini?" What is that? The last name's Peterllini.
So it's Peter Peterllini.
It's Peterllini.
It's an Italian name.
- Oh, I love Italy.
- Oh, yeah.
My great grandfather's from Calabria.
Where's that? Northern or southern? It's Central Italy.
The best food I've ever had, in Italy-- - You can't get a bad meal there.
- Oh, wow.
Okay.
Some of the tomato paste was a little acidic.
Then you go, "Honey, let's go in this museum here.
How much do they charge?" You go, "Oh, no, this is a pharmacy.
" It's not even a museum.
You go-- You see a guy with a Vespa and a scarf I'm so sorry-- You go, "He works for Fellini"-- No, he's a file clerk.
- Ding ding ding.
- What a great story.
Chee-- chez-- cheese.
It's, "How many beans are in the jar?" But can we just focus on my husband-- All right, can you tell us whether he's okay? I just-- I can't really take waiting.
Oh, yes.
I'm sorry.
We did a full workup.
Temperature, of course, was fine, BP and heart rate, great, cholesterol super low-- whatever you're doing, keep it up-- and you have cancer.
Damn it! - I knew it.
- Ouch.
You have another Peter, put your seat belt on, please.
But what's the difference? I'm gonna die in 40 years anyway.
You know what? It makes a difference to me.
I can't lose my guy, okay? Okay.
Hey, I just thought of something.
Don't I get three wishes? What do you mean? Well, the Make A Wish foundation.
That company-- they grant you any wish you want.
I guess so.
They do.
I know they do.
They have to.
That's what the company does.
Okay, well, I'm curious what these wishes are.
I got something to live for.
You're having multiple daily heart attacks 'cause your heart is severely corroded.
Well, so what is to be done about that? Here's a key word I want you to start thinking about.
Exercise.
I don't have time for that.
I don't believe in that, having a priest come in here while I'm just up here, like No, this is exercise, as in work out.
You need to get your heart working.
- Oh, like, what, like, jogging? - Yes.
Oh, so I could just be, like, on the beach and this can fall off, and I'm, like, running? No.
Please, cover up.
Would you cover up, please? No, look at this.
Look at it.
I fed two children with these and many lovers.
You need to get some form of exercise, and I'm gonna sign you up for the aerobics class.
Water aerobics in a couple hours.
Doctor.
Okay.
You have less nipple hair than me.
Oh, really? Hey, raw milk sample here! We got raw milk right here.
Free samples.
- Hi, folks.
- Hi.
How are you? You guys ever tried raw milk before? We haven't.
What is it, exactly? Let me just take a guess.
Kind of tough getting up in the morning, sluggish, achy, you're feeling down? Doctor says, "No big deal, you're fine, get over it.
" That's actually exactly what our doctor said.
Yeah.
I've got the cure for you right here.
Delicious, unpasteurized, straight-from-the-cow's-udder milk.
Doesn't pasteurization kind of protect us from bacteria and other illness? Did your mom pasteurize her breast milk? - Uh, no.
- No! I didn't think so! - That's right.
- And you know why? 'Cause pasteurization is the devil.
- Huh.
- Now is this safe, by the way? Before we start digging in to this.
Safe I mean, you're out here in this-- you know.
This has absolutely been chilled.
Uh-huh.
And that's exactly why I have ice and that I have a thermos.
And it's legal.
- Yes.
- Sure, we'll try it.
- I don't care.
- Yeah, we'll try it.
That's the spirit right there.
You will taste nature's goodness right here, my friend.
- Huh.
- It's pretty nice.
Brendan, my headache's gone.
It's gone! That pain I've been having for so long-- it's gone! I feel like my allergies are gone.
I feel awake.
I'm, like, laughing.
Well, thank you-- Don't stop the revolution! Keep milk alive! What are we gonna do? We need more of this.
Brendan, I don't want this feeling to end.
Like, I feel so good right now.
- That was instant.
- I will not go back.
I will not go back to how we were before.
Brendan, I need more.
I need more of this milk.
Hi, Peter.
I'm home.
How was it? Well, um It was great.
They're gonna grant you a wish.
Okay, uh-- Oh, I'm so excited! Um, uh-- what if I did a one-on-one dunking contest with Michael Jordan, you know? Wow.
What if I did stand-up with Sinbad? Okay.
Maybe I could win the Indy 500 with a Formula One race car? What about something like Epcot? Epcot? What's that? You know, it's the big dome in Florida near Disney World.
No, I don't know if I want to do that.
What if I could be in a poster with Brigitte Nielsen? Oh, I didn't know you liked her.
Aw, Nance, all men like Brigitte Nielsen.
You know what I didn't realize? I didn't realize you wanted so much.
Nance, this is the only thing keeping me going.
I love you, and you've been the best wife anyone could ever imagine, but I want to make these moments memorable.
I'll do the thinking on this, okay? Just-- you be my liaison with the Make A Wish foundation.
Move this way and this way.
This way and this way.
Crouch down a little bit.
Crouch down.
This reminds me of a time that I was trapped in a waterbed.
Okay, we're gonna do some noodles now.
There you go.
There you go.
Um, what's this robot snake here that's in the water? It vacuums the bottom of the pool.
It's a skimmer.
Can we please have this thing moved? I'm trying not to stress myself out.
I don't want another heart attack.
Can you try to pull yourself free, dear? Come on.
Calmness, calmness, calmness.
Candace! Try to push it away, dear.
Try to push it away.
Toni, I'm having another heart attack.
Great.
Well, first we're gonna sue the filter company, then we're gonna sue the swimming pool company, then we're gonna sue the instructor, and I suppose next is you who we're gonna sue, so unless you've got any other options Well, since you refuse to exercise No, no, no.
Exercise refused me.
Whatever-- Since exercise is not an option, the only other choice is a heart transplant.
Heart transplant.
Is there anything else? Death.
All right.
We'll take the transplant.
- Good choice.
- So scary.
- It's okay.
- Doctor.
Yes.
Oh, fine.
Okay, that's the fifth bucket this morning.
- Wow, it's so much.
- I know.
What are we gonna do with all this milk? We're, like, overflowing with it.
I literally can't drink any more.
You look beautiful, by the way.
You do, too.
I mean, really beautiful.
Radiant.
You're glowing.
- So are you.
- Look how quick I move.
You know how long it used to take me to get down and turn around? - Yeah.
- My bones.
It's just-- Everything is just, like, really fluid.
Don't you feel like I enunciate super well now? I woke up so early I made the kids breakfast, made them lunch, got them out the door, I mean, it felt fine.
I took an online class and read Ulysses this morning.
- In the morning? - Yes.
Everything's so funny for some reason.
My laugh is different, right? It is.
Wow.
You're not blinking.
No, I haven't blinked since this morning.
I don't blink, I don't yawn.
I just wish we could get this milk to all the people out there who don't feel good.
Yeah, I mean, it's almost selfish that we're the only ones drinking it.
Raw milk.
It's the future.
Agreed.
The FDA is telling you lies.
When they pasteurize the milk, they're taking out a lot of the benefits.
That's the truth, but we found the answer.
Want to try some of this? It's raw milk.
Here you go.
Want a taste? You could pour it into your coffee, you could pour it into your tea, you could make chocolate milk out of it.
It could be some kind of a holiday drink.
How are you? Raw milk is really nutritious.
I've never felt better.
What do you two think you're doing? Oh, and that's the doctor.
He will tell you you're fine.
- That's not true.
- You want to be healthy? - Raw milk.
- Call security.
Take it.
You'll feel better.
You're fine.
- You're not fine.
- Oh, you're fine.
Hi, I was wondering if you knew how to get a hold of Michael Jordan or his manager.
Hi-- Yes, I'm calling about your comedian, Mr.
Sinbad.
I was wondering if he is interested in a comedy partner.
Hi, I was wondering whether Hertz rents Formula One cars.
Formula One.
Hi-- Yes, I'm calling for Brigitte Nielsen.
Hello? - Nance? - Yeah, Peter.
Can you hear the bell? I could hear it.
I was on the phone.
Oh-- It might be the cancer talking, but I could use some Berry Berry Kix cereal.
You know what? They don't make that anymore.
Yeah, but could we just find it? Well, we can't.
What about pickles? Can I have pickles? It might be the cancer talking, but that's pretty much what I want.
Okay.
We don't have pickles right now.
Can you go get pickles? You know, I went to the store twice already today.
Pickles and apricot ice cream.
We have pretty much every other flavor of ice cream, if you want that.
But I want apricot.
That is a very harsh sound in my ears.
How's the make a wish going? I'm sure it's fine.
I'm sure they're on it.
Can you get them on the phone now? What I would love, Peter, is ten minutes to myself.
Why do you need so much time to yourself? It's not like you have cancer.
Well, maybe I should try to get cancer, Peter.
Why? Nance.
Are you going up to the store? Nance! Cancer, Peter.
contamination contamination total damnation, yeah contamination when you see the cloud the disease is out contamination So do I have cancer? You are cancer-free.
What? This isn't the face of cancer? Come on! I'm trying so hard! I'll be back.
I'll be back with cancer.
Hope it works out.
Nurse, we should start prepping the patient.
Okay, can we slow down a second? I just want to find out about this heart that's about to be in my body.
Um, who is this woman? Was she a writer? Was she a daredevil? Was she a stunt woman? I believe it was a man.
- Oh, absolutely not.
- No.
We will not put a man's organ in a woman's body.
That's very unnatural.
What are you talking about? A heart is a heart.
How do you know she won't grow a scrotum with that heart? I can promise you she's not gonna grow a scrotum.
When you put a male organ in a woman's cavity, I'm pretty sure that is penetration.
Okay.
Never mind with the heart.
Now, hold on a second.
I'd like to see it first, if you don't mind.
I want to see it, too.
Oh, I thought it'd be more of a sort of Valentine shape, you know? Me, too, with, like, a little arrow going through it.
Close it up and put it back, would you, please? Oh, no, no, no.
That's mine, correct-- Legally? Well, yes, you're in line for it.
I was in line for it.
I waited a long time in line, right? You didn't wait at all.
You waited, like, an hour for it.
We waited less than that.
Either way, I want it, but we want it in the garbage can right there.
- What? - Throw it in the garbage.
Take the heart-- or we'll sue-- and put it in the trash.
Open it up and dump it.
Put that in my body, walk around-- "Oh, when's the football game? When's the football game?" - Oh, boy.
- Listen, stop looking at that.
This is what you're gonna do.
Is there anything, like, you know, just experimental, something untested.
Something, perhaps, not from the US? Perhaps Europe or Asia? Let me make a call.
Yes.
It's a go.
Thank you all for attending this hastily-thrown-together medical conference.
I'm here today to talk about a very exciting experimental medical procedure.
The animal-to-human heart transplant.
As I said, it's experimental, so we do not yet have the AMA or the FDA approvals, and there are some side effects, but I think it's really worth it for this lifesaving procedure.
Okay, primates.
Right there, you know you have a good chance of success.
Yes, Toni? Are there any side effects? Sudden craving for a lot of bananas-- and I mean a lot.
You start climbing around the office area cubicle to cubicle, you know.
People are gonna get upset with you.
Now, this is a skunk, of course.
If you're gonna get this transplant, first of all, it's a small heart, and then you have to take the odor sack with it.
They're connected with a vein that you don't want to sever, you have to keep the two intact, but you're gonna have a heart that works.
It works well.
Your octopus.
Eight arms and three hearts.
Three hearts? You heard me right.
Can we just, maybe, chip in three of us together? We could get three hearts from one octopus.
Does anyone want to join up? We don't go in halfsies or thirds on medical procedures, but thank you.
Oh.
This has nothing to do with the transplant, but this is my cat, and I took this this morning.
Is there anything cuter? Is that cat available for adoption? Let's talk after the conference.
Bears.
Big heart, robust heart, but again, a lot of foraging, and you may just be gone from October until May.
So that concludes the presentation.
We expect to have this ready in 30 years.
That's a long time.
I can't wait that long.
Is there anything I can do? If you're willing to sign a release of liability and put down a hefty deposit Yes.
Yes, please.
We are.
We are.
Next.
Thank you very much.
Hey, thanks for waiting, guys.
We'll do this as quickly as possible.
One at a time.
Thank you.
Great.
Use it in good health.
- All right, next.
- Hi.
Thanks for having exact change.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
Hi, there.
Please have your money ready, everybody.
Portland Police! - What? - What? - Get the money.
- No, no, no-- The cow! The cow, the cow! Go! Stop, everybody! On the ground! Get down! Get down! Get on the ground! Oh, come on.
This is illegal.
I feel great.
I am not tired at all.
Stop! Portland Police! Come on! Come on! We got this.
You're under arrest for unauthorized distribution of unpasteurized milk! I'm, like, enjoying running.
Thanks, raw milk.
Stay raw! Oh, man.
I'm out of it.
Maybe there is something about that raw milk, but Damn it, it's against the law.
Nance, can I have a foot massage? And some corned beef hash? Nance? Nance Peterllini? Nance? Flight itinerary? Who-- Who's going on a trip? Portland to CNPP? Chernobyl? Whee! Nance! Up here! Pe-- Peter? - Nance! - Peter? - Wait! - Peter, why are you here? - Nance! - Hi! Uh! - What are you doing? - Why are you here? - Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Nance.
- Brigitte.
Oh, I've heard so much about you.
Oh, you've got such a wonderful husband, Nance.
Oh, well, what are you doing here? What are you doing here? Chernobyl? This is really dangerous.
You're gonna really hurt yourself.
Well, I just felt terrible that everything wasn't working out, and if you were gonna be sick, I wanted to be sick.
No, Nance, that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, and I want you to be healthy all the time.
I found out about the Make A Wish foundation, and they can't grant wishes for someone my age.
I just-- I was so embarrassed when I found out that make a wish wasn't going to help.
Guess what? They all came through.
Michael Jordan called back and he let me use a plane, and then I combined my other wishes of being in a poster with Brigitte Nielsen and skydiving! This is my first time! That was my first try! It's all because of you.
You did it.
Oh, Peter.
You're the best.
Just-- I don't want you to act like a baby anymore, though.
I got greedy, and I'll never do that to you again.
Let's make the most of these 40 years, okay? If you don't mind, may I just say something? You two just really need to connect, reach out, love each other, like my husband and I.
We go to Italy, we sit on the beach, we eat the ravioli, we kiss, we make love, and we do it over and over-- But sorry, I don't want to be in your way, okay? Let's do that.
Let's eat ravioli and make love over and over again.
That sounds like a good plan, Nance.
- No more of this, okay? - Okay.
Brigitte, I'm gonna lean in for a kiss.
Okay.
Wow.
Oh, that's so Danish.
Mmm.
Hi, Toni.
Candace, you don't have to be here so soon after your surgery.
I can run the store.
No, it's better for me to be here, and the procedure was so easy And I actually feel 100%.
What are you doing? Just-- little pieces of lint or something-- it's-- never mind-- - I need to get off of you.
- Hey, you know what? Stop picking on me.
Get it? That's not just making sounds, that's "Stay away from my watering hole".
And how much does it cost to get a watering hole installed? If you have land big enough, you can have a watering hole tomorrow.
Want to put a HDPE line or High Density Polyethylene.
Write that down-- HDPE.
- I can get one for the store.
- Definitely.