Rake (2010) s05e03 Episode Script

(RUMBLING) Oh! (ALARM BLARES) Cal, as you can see, it's chaos here.
WOMAN: It's gonna be a little squeezy in here.
This place hasn't functioned as a Parliament for 35 years.
MR JAKOB: I've been doing this job a long time.
Would you like a little drink, perhaps, to calm the nerves? Maybe a little settler.
Is it true you were going to call your party the Penny Evans Experience and then somebody pointed out, that'd make you the PEE party.
I've been telling you for over a year now that you need to get a media manager.
Exactly.
Yes.
Yes, yes.
But you didn't want to spend the money! And now we have one, because I've had a brainwave.
- Who? - Frank.
A footy columnist, no doubt.
The hardest, the toughest school there is, and you would know.
When was the last time he worked, Cleaver? You stole the US Defence Secretary's phone, you took a snap of your penis, and you sexted it to the Italian Ambassador and others.
I used to think that there was a rock bottom, and then I realised there is no rock bottom.
It's just one giant abyss that keeps going down and down.
Not a terrorist attack, you say? Turds and cleaning fluids in a lethal combination.
So this was just an accident.
Fuck! (FAIRGROUND VERSION OF BLUE DANUBE WALTZ PLAYS) (LOUD BEEPING) Oh, God, what's that? - Oh! - Oh, it's my alarm.
Oh.
It's quarter to five.
Which is which is a what? (LAUGHS) It's the time in the morning.
There there's a quarter to five in the morning? (MOANS) I've got to get to the studio.
- Mmm.
- Big day.
OK.
OK.
You go, girl.
(SIGHS) I told the people of Australia it was a terrorist attack.
Oh, that's the right note.
(SIGHS) I told them terrorists killed Brian Oatley when really he just had a coronary while he was rooting Astrid.
Yeah.
It wasn't a terrorist attack, Gar, it was shitty plumbing.
I could go to jail! Oh, stop, stop.
No-one's going to go to jail.
Shitty plumbing's not a criminal offence.
Anyway it was under Labour's watch.
That's not the point, and you know it.
- Get off.
- (GROANS) (SIGHS) No, look you're the Prime Minister, one.
I'm your Minister for Homeland Security.
Between us, and Joe McGregor we've got it sorted.
Don't you worry, we'll be right.
Mm.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
It's after five, I've got to go.
Mercy's getting a bit suspicious.
Oh, Christ, that's all I need right now! You'll be right.
She doesn't think it's you.
(GROANS) Oh, God.
Liquid, liquid.
Oh! This toothpaste's disgusting.
- Are you using my toothbrush? - Oh, this is revolting.
It's organic.
It's Chinese.
So is deep-fried duck tongue and fermented tofu.
I'm not smearing that on my fangs.
It fights bacteria.
Well, they all fight bacteria, don't they? I mean, that's the name of the game, isn't it? Oh, Jesus Christ.
I'm going to get you some proper toothpaste.
Oh, Cleaver, look, I really do like you, but this has to be a one-off, I'm afraid.
I'm actually seeing someone.
Important.
So don't go to any trouble buying me toothpaste.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Sure, I mean, I don't know what you what you think I was thinking.
Where's my bloody suit pack? (SNORES) (PHONE DINGS) Why would I be having the day off? What the bloody hell's going on? Oh, really? The whole show? Cal? They've given me the day off.
- The day off? - Hmm.
Today? What now? Yep.
Is this about her? It's about her, isn't it? Yes, it's about her.
My suit pack is nowhere to be found.
- Well, it must be here somewhere.
- It's nowhere.
You did pick it up from the concierge at Da Vinci's? Of course I picked it up from the concierge.
You you needed to go to the loo.
Ah, we agreed to meet outside.
I went back in to get my pack.
I bumped into Greg Peters, I got distracted.
I don't have my fucking suit pack.
Oh, my God! It's got my phone, my wallet.
I'm speaking in the Senate this morning.
Oh, my God.
Can you give me a lift in your car? I'm getting picked up by a studio car.
Sorry, mate, I can live without the gossip.
OK, well, could you please spot me some cash, then.
Please.
Well, I've only got a couple of bucks.
I just do cards these days.
Cashless fucking economy! What about coins on the floor? Coins on the f Come on! I mean, Jesus Christ, what if you need an emergency game of pool or a packet of Tic Tacs or something? Parliament is like a 15-minute walk from here.
You must have a spare suit and stuff there, everybody does.
OK, so a 15-minute walk, dressed as a zebra in the nation's capital.
Oh, where's my head, by the way? Your what? Your head? My head, my head.
My zebra head.
I haven't seen it.
I have no idea! This is this is why I hate fancy dress.
Alright? Aside from the fact that I'm always last person in the hire shop and all the good cossies have gone.
You know, all those guys last night dressed as fucking Cary Grant, Batman, fucking Thor.
I'm there as a zebra with Type 2 Diabetes.
Head's nowhere! Fuck this! If I don't get my head back, I don't get my deposit back.
OK? (CAR TOOTS) (BABY CRIES) Na-nas.
It's grilled bananas for launch! (CHUCKLES) Mm.
- Hey.
- Hello, poppet.
How are you? Wends, I think I might have mentioned it before, but her name is Winsome.
- Oh.
- Or in lighter moments, Winnie.
Yeah, no, you have you have mentioned that, Missy.
Do you mind if we just turn the music off so I can listen to Fran? Oh, this is her favourite song! She's been in a bit of a mood this morning, so Well, can you put those buds in her ears, or something? Oh, gosh, no.
She's way too little for buds.
This is a key stage in the development of her auditory OK, I don't know if you've noticed in the year you've been living here, Missy, but there are actually just a couple of rituals that I really enjoy, and listening to Fran and having a cup of tea in my kitchen is one of them.
Wends, please don't adopt that aggressive tone in front of OK, I wasn't intending to be aggressive.
She can also detect insincerity.
Look, why don't we, um, make up a roster? No, why don't we NOT make a roster? Why don't I have a cup of tea in my kitchen? You've got the run of the rest of the house.
We're talking about the welfare of your granddaughter.
We're not talking about anyone's welfare, Missy.
We're talking about a political chat show and a cup of tea in my kitchen.
We are talking about me having some space in my own fucking house.
Wendy, I'm hearing a lot of 'me' here.
Are you putting your own needs ahead of? Yes! I am putting my own needs ahead of Winnie.
Fucking hell! "Winnie!" I mean, Missy, really, that is just cruel.
- I beg your pardon? - Winnie! It's not a name! It's a sound a fucking horse makes! I mean, what were you thinking, Churchill or the bear or Winnie Mandela? Wendy, may I suggest you take your tea and your negative energy and you return to your room, which I believe has a functioning radio.
No.
Melissa, this is my house, alright? What are you doing? Wends? - Bloody batteries! - What are you doing? I'm trying to turn this wretched thing off! Wendy! (WINNIE SCREAMS) Hey! That's my head.
That's my head! Give me back Where'd you get my head? If I don't get my head back, I don't get my deposit back.
Come back here, you you prick! Give me Oh, fuck you.
Oh Senator Greene, I don't know quite how else to put this.
What are you wearing and why are you wearing it? I'd appreciate some privacy at this difficult time.
What difficult time? You're wearing a headless zebra costume.
Where's the head? Uh, well, that's, uh, a question that all of Australia should be asking itself right now, wouldn't you say? - Senator? Senator? - Senator? (DOOR BELL RINGS) - Hello.
- Good morning.
I'm from the Department of Community Services.
We're looking for Miss Melissa Partridge.
You called Community Services on me? - Is something the matter? - No! Amy, come on.
You're right on time.
Um, I will be in my office if you need me.
Good day to you both.
- Come on through.
- (GRIZZLES) I'm just so confused.
(SNIFFLES) (WINNIE CONTINUES CRYING) I really have no idea.
Yeah? No idea.
That's good.
Good? Hearts are breaking out there, Wendy, and it's my fault.
No, Amy, it's it's, you know, you are being honest with yourself and that's You remember, it's all there.
It's in my book, in Chapter 12.
You're talking numbers to me, Wendy.
I'll give you numbers.
Two marriages, seven kids, one big business.
There's a lot at stake here.
I mean, I know what the right thing to do is but I'm just not sure it's what I want.
Toby is such a sweetheart.
And Kit's Wendy, I'm in the middle of a crisis here.
Are you paying me any attention at all? I'm sorry.
It's a really strange day.
Well, I am paying you above the odds, Wendy.
We all have our strange days.
I'm not convinced that you do have strange days.
You know? You've been coming to me for three years, and it's always the exact same story, you know? Toby's a sweetheart, Kit's an animal.
It never changes.
Your days are all screwed up.
So that means, by definition, that they're not actually strange.
Do you understand me? You know, if you fuck a gorilla once, then that is strange and it's sad.
But if you fuck a gorilla every single day, then you're just into fucking gorillas.
- Fucking gorillas? - Mm.
That's your professional opinion, is it? That is my professional opinion.
Well, I shan't be darkening your doorstep again.
Well, I don't blame you.
You know, in three years we have achieved absolutely bugger all! - (LAUGHS) - Yes.
Yes, yes.
I'm sure it's all over the net by now, isn't it? - Yes.
(LAUGHS) - Yes, yes.
Well, after you've had your little chuckle, can you just find me my spare suit and shit? Alright.
And we can crack on because I've got a speech to make.
OK, this, uh, spare suit and shit would be? - Well, here, in the closet.
- Right.
Oh, OK.
Well, you show me where the magical closet is.
Are you telling me I don't have a spare suit? Yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you, Cleaver.
Everybody has a spare suit.
Nicole, I'm really starting to doubt your level of compet Well, you had four spare suits before the Andy Chow passed.
OK, call up Da Vinci's, please, and tell them that I left my suit pack there.
- And it's a national emergency.
- And, yes, it's a national emergency.
OK, well, they're not open, Cleaver, and you're on in 15 minutes.
Why did you put me down to talk about banking in the first place? I mean, I don't know anything about What do I know? You said you wanted to raise your profile! And banking is a very big issue.
- I thought it would be great for you.
- Reschedule it.
I can't.
It's the Senate, it's not a dental appointment.
Well, what are we? I mean, they're not going to let me in there like this, are they? Don't be like that.
I think that you look really lovely as a zebra.
Come on, I've seen you spin weirder shit in court.
OK.
I'm I'm going to take this as a challenge.
- Mm-hm.
- Alright? - Mm-hm.
- OK.
Can you find out everything there is to know about where zebras come from? Okey-dokey.
Zebras.
Mr President, I have recently discovered, to my great shock, that instead of being born in Deniliquin, New South Wales, and christened Fiona Eileen Boyd, as I truly believed, it transpires that I was born in Gdansk, Poland, and christened Fjonana Anastazja Laszlo.
It was therefore utterly bewildering to discover that I had Polish citizenship at the time of the election.
And so I shall be resigning from the Senate forthwith.
- MAN: Shame! - About time.
My parents, Lech and Henrika, who are currently visiting relatives in Gdansk, are mortified that they forgot to tell me this detail.
But in fairness to them, they do have limited English.
Oh, for fuck's sake, I thought we cleaned all this shit up.
Who's next on our ticket? - Lu Yuen.
- And he's Australian? She! She is a naturalised Australian who renounced her Chinese citizenship.
OK, that's not my point, Gar.
It's not the gender I'm concerned about.
It is the Australian-ness.
We need to look dinkum again.
We can appoint anyone we want, right? Well, as a place filler till the next election, yeah.
Alright.
We need to get someone old-school.
Someone who can scare the shit out of them.
We need the limelight back on us.
OK, good.
- (COMPUTER BEEPS) - Fuck, fuck.
- (COMPUTER BEEPS) - Fuck you! Go.
Oh, you bloody piece of shit.
- (COMPUTER BEEPS) - OK.
The Senate is debating the proposed amendments to the Banking And Financial Regulations Act, 2015.
- Senator Greene.
- Oh, yes, Mr President.
You must be aware that your costume, or whatever it may be described as, is beyond inappropriate.
- How is that, Mr President? - Senator Greene, don't toy with me.
There are standing orders which you are aware of.
Yes, Mr President.
I would respectfully refer you to one of the great former speakers of the other place, the luminous Sir Billy Snedden, who in 1977, issued a ruling allowing the wearing of safari suits in the Lower House.
And I would respectfully submit, Mr President, that my current attire is nothing if not a safari suit.
Alright, go.
Print.
Well, you were printing before.
I don't need a cable! It doesn't need a cable! Well, because I've used all the paper! This is like the Year 9 library printer! Very well, Mr Greene.
May as well kick things off.
Mr President, I really must object.
Sit down, Senator Potter.
Proceed, Senator Greene.
Thank you, Mr President.
I shall proceed.
Are you seriously going to let him speak, you moron? For Christ's sake! The man is wearing a zebra suit.
Kick him out! Don't let him talk.
Fuck! (SIGHS) Shit! That, that.
Mr President, I don't know if this chamber is aware that today is Botswanan Independence Day.
And that the national symbol of Botswana is the zebra, surely one of the most, if not THE most, magnificent creature in all of God's creation.
Mr President, point of order.
Oh, now it's fricken Gollum! May I point out that Senator Greene's remarks are simply un-Australian.
For a member of this chamber to suggest that any foreign animal could be as majestic as a kangaroo is simply un-Australian and I ask that it be withdrawn.
Resume your seat, Senator Evans.
OK, thank you.
Oh! OK! Something isn't more beautiful than something else just because it was born in Australia.
Well, it bloody well is! Well, you know, I mean, I would probably find a syphilitic iguana more beautiful on many levels than Senator Evans and she's an Australian animal.
You're both warned! Mr President, I defer, of course, to Senator Greene's obvious expertise when it comes to matters of lizards and syphilis.
You are both warned! - Ooh! You right? - It's OK, don't worry.
Yep.
Ah, fuck you! Get myself up.
Everybody, I'm fine! Thank you for helping me.
Now, I can see, just looking around this chamber here today, I can see a look of utter bewilderment on their faces as they're all clearly wondering what is this mysterious connection between Botswanan independence and the mighty zebra? Dave, Dave, Dave! Can you give that to the zebra? (PANTS) Oh, fuck! And so we turn to history.
WOMAN: Oh, please! And, Mr President I have here, uh, a list before me of six massive foreign investment banks which are going to apply for tax exemption under the amendments before this chamber today.
Now, each of these banks seems to boast, on its website, that they started life as a humble trading company in 19th-century Africa.
And each of which, one might therefore reasonably assume, is complicit in such matters as, shall we say, slavery, shall we say, rape and pillage.
What about the hunting down of animals such as the noble zebra? The skinning of them, sending of their hides back to Great Britain Senator Greene, you're warned! where they ended their days sadly, pathetically, under the chubby pink buttocks of the noble burghers of London.
Senator, you have been warned! This, Mr President, is the coat of arms, the proud coat of arms, of the British investment bank Quist Farrow who apparently made their first million pounds or so on the backs of the people of Botswana.
Mr President, I propose that all Commonwealth nations boycott Quist Farrow and its brother money factories until taxes and reparations are made with interest.
And I further propose that this government stops suckin' up to these banks! (SENATE PRESIDENT YELLS INAUDIBLY) This was supposed to be a boring, dull as dishwater, nobody gives a shit set of amendments to an act nobody understands.
- Except our donors.
- Precisely.
And now, because of this clown, there is going to be dedicated scrutiny of what we are doing.
And dedicated scrutiny is the last thing this government can afford right now.
This was supposed to go through on the voices.
Now it is a shrieking fucking mess! I thought I had it all here at home but then a chance encounter drew me to a Pacific island.
These are just four of 200 kids I've been spending six years helping, to varying degrees of success.
I don't want to appear an ingrate, Minister, but as grateful as I am for the award, it's the kids that make me proud.
Oh! Of course.
(APPLAUSE) Wendy Greene? - Oh! - I don't mean to impose.
No.
I-I mean, you're the minister.
- Hello.
Nice to meet you.
- Virginia Drake.
How do you do? - How do you do? - I'm so pleased to see you here.
I'm not just a fan of your book.
I believe that despite all the bullshit claims of progress in terms of women's issues and marital issues and the way we talk about women, that these are issues in dire need of the ventilation you give them in the book.
- (LAUGHS) The ventilation? - Yes, the ventilation.
I was wondering if you would like to come to Canberra sometime.
I'm trying to set up a steering committee which would inform a white paper on women's issues from a mental health perspective.
And from what I've read, you just might be the person to head that committee.
Uh (CHUCKLES) So guess what I did today.
What, my darling? I resigned from the Nats and joined the Liberal Party.
- Really? - Yes, really.
And now that that Polish girl's carked it - Well, she's not dead.
- Politically, she is.
Yes.
Yeah.
Which means that there's a casual vacancy in the Senate.
I know China girl was next on the ballot but it's really up to the PM in the end, isn't it? That would be the case, yes.
So you'll talk to her? Who.
The PM? No, Beyonce, you idiot.
You want the Senate seat? I want the old Cal MacGregor magic back.
Or Oh.
Huh? Huh? - Mm-hm.
- Pretty good.
You were exceptional.
Incredible work.
We share this moment.
- Alright? - This is gold, boss.
Can't wait to see the morning tabloids.
Well, big day.
I guess it must be beer o'clock.
Float around the Members, get the scuttlebutt.
(HUMS) OK, so in the, um, in the spirit of sharing this moment, this job is really hard without a press officer who still thinks that we're at war with the Kaiser and that beer o'clock is still a real thing.
So please can we get someone who has a Facebook account or just someone knows what Facebook is? No.
No, I'm sorry, Nicole.
It's it's called humanity, alright? You should try it sometime.
Cleaver, he's not a journalist.
He covered league with the Sun for 24 years of his life.
Alright, well can we get him an assistant perhaps? Just, please, please just anyone who can say the word 'digital' without needing to say 'rectal' because he finds it so funny.
- (LAUGHS) - Well, what about this.
Can you get me an assistant? Because I can't do 100% of my job and 80% of your job and 95% of Frank's.
Oh, come on! I mean, how much do you owe his brother? OK.
OK.
Leave it with me.
(SNEEZES) Senator Greene's suit pack, sir.
Thanks very much.
The senator will be most relieved.
Speaking of relief, may I avail myself of the gentlemen's? - Of course, sir.
- Thank you.
(WHISTLES) Now what would his impenetrable code be? Let's try this.
1-1-1.
(CHUCKLES) (WHISTLES) Oh, finally! Mate, these blackberries are the best things I've ever had my mouth.
- I'm glad you're enjoying them.
- Incredible.
Oh, your phone beeped a couple of times.
- Oh, right.
- (SNEEZES) Ah, dammit.
- Pardon me.
- (SIGHS) Oh, fuck.
You are kidding me.
So you're saying my account's been shut down? Yes, you keep reminding me I missed a payment in May and another in June but then I covered all that weeks ago and now my account's in credit.
OK, listen to me.
So what you're saying is, you are going to shut down my account and, what, send me a cheque for $7.
85? Where exactly am I meant to stick that? I see.
So troubles with your bank? Yeah, they they sacked me.
I-I don't understand.
My account was in credit.
And your bank was? - A-Next.
- Whose primary shareholder is? I don't want to play the suspense game.
(SNEEZES) Quist Farrow.
- Pardon me.
- Oh.
The bank you were satirising today in the parliament.
They can't do that can they? - Did you miss two payments? - Yes, I missed two.
I mean, I'm always missing payments but, you know, then I catch up.
The government can't pay you cash.
You need a bank account.
Yeah, well, I'll just set up a new bank account.
OK.
If you think you can.
Senator Cleaver Greene.
Open a bank account.
Yeah.
Are you a man or a machine? Oh, you're oh, you're a man! OK, great.
Alright, listen, mate, I want to do business with your bank, alright? Yes, I can make a deposit of $7.
85, if that's what it takes.
There are no credit issues, mate.
Listen, sport, I am a senator in the Australian Parliament, alri - (PHONE DISCONNECTS) - Hello? Unbelievable! We have good relations with Treasury and the Department of Finance.
Who's we? The drivers.
We look after them.
So you are saying YOU could get me a bank account? I'm saying I could make discreet enquiries, but it could take time.
So in the meantime, do you need some cash on hand? No, no, mate.
No, I couldn't do that.
- $200? - No.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Would that be enough for tonight? - Hello? - Hi, hi.
Um, are you free for dinner tonight? I've just had a chat with the Health Minister, so I'm coming to Canberra this afternoon for a meeting.
- The Health Minister? Oooooh! - Yeah.
And I'd really like to talk to you.
Ah, you know, I've got a couple of things on the schedule but I can probably push them off.
Uh, what about that place we went to last time, you know the guy with the hat? Yes.
OK.
Thanks.
I will see you there at 8:00.
Lovely.
You couldn't make that $300, could you, mate? No problem.
- What's this? - Normal.
Just sign and fill in your name.
Don't trouble yourself with the rest.
Ah, alright.
Very very good.
I suppose we should be businesslike about this.
Who are these idiots? They would be your latest Buzz Stays.
Is that today? Oh, no! Oh, fuck, there's a lot of them.
Hello.
- Mr Greene, see, I am Ahmet.
- Yes.
I have the 2-week booking.
Yes.
Yes, Mr Ahmet.
But you see here where it says two two guests only.
And, yet, you seem to be seven people.
And I can't accommodate seven people here.
There are two beds here, alright, and one of them is mine.
No, this is a seven, not a two.
Always meant to be the seven.
Yes, no.
Always a two.
I mean, the dimensions of the space would tell us that it's a two.
It's two.
My mother comes tomorrow with her cousins.
It means so much.
Family again.
Yes, well, that's lovely.
Family is family is everything.
How wonderful.
Your mother must not come here, though, with her cousins.
No.
No.
Because of fire.
There are fire laws.
Laws.
And I'm a senator.
I am a senator.
- You are a senator? - I am a senator.
- Senator mush.
- (ALL LAUGH) (SPEAKS TURKISH) (LAUGHS) - Senator.
Yes.
So - (PHONE RINGS) Hello.
NICOLE: Um, you may want to come back to the house.
Why? Well, there is a little protest out there at which Penny Evans is saying some pretty shitty things about you and how you represent everything that's wrong with the country.
Oh, God, I hate her! Alright, I'll get changed.
I've just been on Facebook and the zebra has got a lot of likes.
As Frank would tell you, if he knew what Facebook was! Cleaver Greene is a city criminal.
He does not know what it's like to be a farmer! Her torture of the English language is currently under review by the United Nations since he gave up drugs.
IF he's given up drugs! Her personality has all the magical colours of a decommissioned dialysis bag.
Is taking from the regional poor and giving to the drug-dealing city criminals! whose maiden speech required a sanctioned Cleaver Greene doesn't care about jobs.
And within minutes the honourable members were calling for oxygen and and and bleeding from the ear.
He has made vast sums of money from trying to keep and keeping (GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS) You're fucking kidding me! You're a witness to a serious crime, Senator.
There's nothing inappropriate about interviewing a witness is there? No, no, nothing inappropriate.
But it's just the fucking perp parade in front of the press, mate, when you could have done this in my office.
This is political.
Don't think I don't know.
So you guys, you better get ready to either pop one in the back of my head or go down because I have been dealing with fuckwits like you my whole life! We had no choice, Senator.
You've been previously convicted of conspiracy to commit murder.
Acquitted on appeal, fuck sticks, as well we know! My record is clean.
I have She she's not dead, is she? No.
Shoulder.
Flesh wound.
Admit it, you hate her.
Who doesn't hate her? I'm not Robinson Crusoe there, mate.
I mean, there's a long line, isn't there? Excuse us, please, for a moment, would you, sir? Oh! Oh, righto, yep.
I'll just, um, I'll just entertain myself.
(SIGHS) (DOOR OPENS) Cleaver, I'm here to help.
Oh, I'm sure you are, mate.
The optics, they're a bit of a problem.
Are they? The optics? Yes, the optics.
Plus we have, uh, hm certain footage of you naked in front of young boys.
Oh, come on, Gar! Fuck! It's politics.
You must have known that when you signed up.
I didn't sign up, mate.
I ran against my sister, alright, not the whole apparatus of government.
Well, if you want this to go easy, we will expect you to say and do nothing for the rest of your term.
My whole campaign was based on saying and doing nothing, mate.
Easy.
And supporting the government in the Senate.
Or I will make it my business that the next five years for you will be a living hell.
It's your call.
Supporting the government on everything? On everything.
This is a really shithouse business, isn't it? I mean, I thought the law was bad but I mean, you're not a total 100% turd of a man.
But you're so close.
You're 98% there.
Wow! How do you sleep at night? I don't, really.
Oh, by the way if I ever find you within a country mile of Caitlin Farquhart again, I will hurt you.
If I find out you've been touching her, even looking at her, even sharing the same air she breathes, I will massacre you.
And I don't mean politically.
(REPORTERS SHOUT) Wendy! Hello! - Hello, Minister.
- Oh, Virginia, please.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
Can we get you a drink of some kind? - Just some water, thank you.
- Thanks, Danielle.
I'm so excited about this new initiative.
I'm I mean, the government wants to do something about reforming mental health, both in terms of its funding and methodology, and I want you to be part of it.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
Well, I'm I just I'm so flattered, and I'm incredibly excited, Virginister.
Um - Sorry, Virginia.
- Oh! (CHUCKLES) Let me take you through what I've been thinking.
(LAUGHS) He even argued about the dog! That was my dog.
I've had Rasta since he was a puppy.
(SNIFFLES) If only he'd have been as interested in the kids.
You know, it's been a nightmare trying to do this job, and maintain a cheery face, and go through this shit.
You know, the nation's sick, and I can't show stress, 'cause it's a sign of weakness in women, isn't it? Yeah, I just Sounds like you've been having a really tough time of it, Virginia, but in terms of a national mental health strategy, I'm just - I'm not - I love your book.
I read it every night.
But I can't go public that I'm seeing someone.
So I'm setting up a new internal mental health division, to be headed by you.
You'll have an office and staff on this floor, so we can devise a new mental health strategy for the nation.
400K salary, plus all the other bullshit.
But you'll have to be available to me pretty much 24/7.
I have high ambitions, Wendy, and I need someone to help me, and I want it to be you.
I really, really do.
Uh yeah, I, uh Um I have a practice back in Sydney, Virginia, so I need you, Wendy.
Oh, God.
Jesus.
What were you doing in there, Wendy? I was just having a chat.
You know that she's getting a divorce? That she wants to be PM? She's basically crazy.
Well, she might be, but she just offered me a very interesting job.
- Are you going to take it? - I don't know.
We're just in negotiations.
I haven't made a decision.
- There's no rush.
- Well, she's in a rush.
Oh, what's that supposed to mean? Because I think that she's turning, and I think that she likes you.
Oh, Jack, you need help.
Oh, Wendy, I know! I do! - Can you please give it to me? - Oh, God.
Jack, please.
You know that I can destroy her career in three phone calls.
- Uh-huh.
- Maybe even two.
Because this Government, it depends on me.
- Mm-hm.
- I am the glue here.
So, please, can you have dinner with me, maybe? Jack, I have told you on numerous occasions, when you display some signs of emotional sanity, then I will consider going out with you.
Wendy! Damn it.
(MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS) (WOMAN TALKS LOUDLY IN TURKISH) Let me get this straight.
You advertise this service, alright? You you facilitate everything.
You draw up contracts, you accept payments, you you trumpet the success of your endeavours.
But if anything goes wrong, like my home being invaded by Turkey, you want nothing to do with it, do No, listen to me, listen to me.
I have I want these people gone, alright? I've had a very hard day, a very hard day.
I was I was almost shot today.
No, I will not press hash.
I will not press hash.
Fuck ya! Fuck your hash! You did this.
She did this.
Huh? - Huh? - Hey.
- Hi.
- Oh, you look great.
Oh, thank you.
So I want to talk about Missy.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
Yes, it was rather a stressful day today.
(CHUCKLES) Well, you weren't the one that got shot.
Well, no, but I was with the one who got shot, or had herself shot, as the case may be.
Oh, she had herself shot, did she? Yes, almost certainly, almost certainly.
Right, OK, so with Missy, you brought her to my house for a couple of days and that was that was almost two years ago.
- Was it really? - Yeah.
- God, time flies, doesn't it? - Mmm, it does.
So in that time, she has assaulted me, she's taken drugs with my son, she's thrown up on my bed, she's made me a grandmother at the age of 45, she called Community Services the other day, and she nearly had me arrested for spilling some tea on Winnie's leg.
- Oh, God.
- So, you know what? I think it's your turn.
- I'm giving you four weeks' notice.
- My turn? I could not be more reasonable.
Right, well, I'm not much chop with the stray creature thing.
As you would know, my tendency is to lead them more astray.
Yeah, OK.
I didn't know this was coming, but I've actually been offered a job here in Canberra with the Minister of Health.
- You're joking.
- Yep.
And if I take it, I'm going to be renting out the house, so Great! You can stay with me.
(CHUCKLES) No, I can't live with you.
I'm not living with anyone.
I'm living with me.
No Missy, no Winsome, no you.
So you know what? I want you to do some of the heavy lifting now.
I'm a senator in the Australian Parliament.
I mean, I am I'm an Olympic heavy-lifter.
Do you know how much work I do? Yes, I do, because all that stuff's published online now, so - Is it? - Yes, all the attendances, speeches.
It's all there.
It's all very easy to find.
- You do fuck all.
- I mean, that's really weird.
- That's very Orwellian.
- Cleaver, can you just about OK, here's the thing.
I And I could go to jail for telling you this.
I currently have seven Turkish intelligence operatives staying in my place.
Mmm.
Hang on, is that the same Turkish family of seven that you've rented half your place out to on Buzz Stay? How would you know that? Well, you're very lazy, you know, and when you send an email, and you just find the name that you want on a recent thread and you click on that - Well, that goes to 40 or 50 people.
- God, that shouldn't What's a thread? See, this is Nicole's fault.
That shits me.
That's OK, so the thing is, I'm going to tell Missy that you want her and Winsome to come and stay with you, and that you will find her a job, and they can stay as long as they like, until Fuzz does whatever he decides he's going to do.
Oh, this is so you, isn't it? Two days became two years, alright? You take advantage of my kindness, and that is a form of abuse.
But see, if you're if you're moving to Canberra Mmm.
why can't they all just stay at your place? Oh, my God.
Have you not listened to a single word I've said? Or Fuzz.
Fuzz could rent from you, something.
Alright, I don't know for sure, but I think Fuzz has got another woman in America, doubtless older, and that is why he is, as you so consistently were, absent.
OK? So I guess I will see you around.
What? Whoa, hey, whoa.
I thought we were having dinner.
Jesus Christ! Excuse me, friend.
Uh may I have another one of those please.
Oh, actually, hold on a minute.
Keep that thought.
OK, can I have about, between a third and a quarter of one of those, depending on your level of generosity? PENNY: Cleaver.
Oh! You did this yourself.
Within a quarter of a second, you turned me into Dr Evil and you into the nation's sweetheart.
- I'm onto you.
- Buy you a drink? Two whiskeys, thanks.
I have a question for you.
Why are you so mean to me? Thanks.
You vex me with your bullshit.
- I vex you? - You do.
- You don't think you vex me? - No, no, it's not that.
It's just I was, um patronisingly thinking, "Who uses the word 'vex' where you come from?" I do.
I'm kind of a 'shameleon', Cleaver.
- Name a postcode.
- No, I don't want to name a I don't want to play a little game with you.
- Oh, you already are, Cleaver.
- Mm-hm.
Alright, I'll make it easier for you.
Name a name a suburb.
Toorak.
Toorak.
3142.
Darling, that coat is divine.
Did Johnny whip it up for you? If he did, he is borderline roadkill to me.
Never speaking to him again! So you're bullshit, is that right? You're Are you? You're complete bullshit.
No, I believe every word I say.
But what you say is not important.
It's not the issue.
It's how you say it.
- People want us to be just like them.
- No, they don't.
The last thing I want is for my politicians to be like me, even though, as me, I am one.
I want them to be better.
Well, most people don't.
So what's your real postcode? 4405, the gorgeous Darling Downs.
So I didn't lie when I said I was from farming country.
What I omitted to say was that it was one of the biggest agricultural concerns in Queensland, and my father was very wealthy.
But no-one asked, because they're myopic, the press, and they're stupid.
I did go to the local public school until I was 10, and then on to St Margaret's, very hoity-toity.
And then Sydney University, arts/law.
- Arts/law at Sydney? - Mmm.
But under my maiden name.
You see, I was married twice, once at 19 and once at 21, both regrettably briefly.
I don't I don't understand how you can keep this secret.
What about your friends and people who knew you? Well, they're all pretty much paid-up members of the Penny Evans Party.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, but not all of them are.
What about the people who aren't paid-up members of the Penny Evans's Party? Well, the people who aren't paid-up members of the Penny Evans Party know how to lead a quiet life.
You see, Cleaver, I'm this nation's Trump.
My base will never desert me.
It can only build, as I build a nation.
So you gamed it out.
I want to change the country, Cleaver.
I don't want to herd sheep.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Are you going to pay for these? (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (BANGING) Mr Ahmet? (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Good morning, sir.
My name is Leon.
Mr Jakob sends his apologies, but is not well, and would not wish you to catch any bugs.
Ah.
OK, well, thank you, Leon.
Uh and he said to tell you he had made some calls.
Did he? Excellent.
Excellent.
The people you didn't want in your home, they have gone? Yes, yeah.
They oh, they've They seem to have vanished.
Did he, uh mention anything to you about banking? No, sir.
Mmm.
Phwoar.
Very peckish.
Would you like to stop for some breakfast and coffee? - Oh, well - Mr Jakob told me.
Let's just have a (SIGHS) Mmm No, no, that's that's fine, mate.
I don't I don't need I don't need food.
(GIRLS CHATTER) Oh, mate, you don't have any coins do you? I apologise, sir, just cards.
Ah, yes, the cashless freaking economy.
Would you like to save the future by acknowledging the past? I really would.
Do I just have to acknowledge it? Well, the acknowledgement is traditionally accompanied by a donation.
Oh, damn it.
Oh, I'm out of cash.
I've just, uh You don't take cards, I suppose? Yes, we do! You do? Will that be savings, cash or credit? Uh well, that's um (MUTTERS) Oh, damn it.
No.
You wouldn't, um That's expired.
Alright, now listen.
You just hold on there for a minute.
I'm going to zip in there, come right back out and get one of those things.
Yep.
Because I am going to acknowledge.
REPORTER: Senator Greene, how long are you going to keep this little girl waiting? Senator Greene? (GROANS) (GROANS) Ah.
Mm.
Mm.
You never told me about these free breakfast "Friends of" dealies.
Yeah, well, you said you didn't want to know about anything unless it paid.
Well, that's I mean, it's free food! Hello! Does that shit happen every morning? Yeah.
If you came before noon, you'd know that.
I think there's a There's a Parliamentary friends of Palestine in five, and later there's a big lunch for Parliamentary friends of Star Trek in the Chancellor's room.
No, no, no, I'm full as a goog.
Put me down for Star Trek, though.
OK.
I need the float, please.
Where's the float? No, I've forbidden you from touching the float, Cleaver.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
That's just controlling.
OK, you can sort this out.
Take a half of our float and go and give it to one of those little Christine people, please.
They're called Caroline Girls.
Caroline Girls.
Take take a third a quarter of our float and go and give it to one of them.
And don't make a big fuss that it's from me.
(WHISPERS) As long as everybody knows it's from me.
(WHISPERS) OK.
And Caitlin wants you on her show this evening.
- Caitlin? - Yep.
Tell her to go to hell.
Well, there is rumour the PM's going to dump the Senate President and replace him with a crossbencher, so - Whatever, whatever.
- Oh, whatever.
Yeah, whatever.
Only 250K more, Cleaver.
Private dining room, lots of fact-finders overseas.
Senator Evans, let me start by saying we are so relieved you survived that shocking assassination attempt, which followed a heated exchange between you both.
Well, thank you, Caitlin.
Yes, I'm no stranger to the threat that attaches itself to trying to make Australia great again.
Yes, I roundly condemn the attempt against Senator Evans's life, although I do believe it was actually intended for me.
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
Well, word around Canberra is the PM is going to dump Senate President James Jordan and replace him with a crossbencher.
Do either of you want to become president of the Senate, a well-paid job for a eunuch, as some have described it? - Ah.
- Well, look, Caitlin.
Any government that would contemplate a drug-addled murderer as president of the Senate needs to be chucked out on its ear, because Yeah, overturned.
Overturned on appeal.
Senator Greene is a grub without a conscience.
He is a liar without a heart, and a beast with absolutely no beauty whatsoever.
He is a lazy, lying, selfish nobody, and the really sad thing about that, Caitlin, is he doesn't even know it.
Cleaver Greene, are you a lazy, selfish, lying nobody? Well, Caitlin, Penny Evans, which is not her original name, by the way, is beyond delusional.
She is actually a straight up and down liar.
She's been lying to all of us, her constituents in particular, for years now.
Her modest farming family that she bangs on about all the time turns out to have been one of Australia's biggest agricultural concerns.
She attended the elite St Margaret's private girls school, and Sydney University, where she she studied arts and law, and married frequently, a fact not detected by you or your colleagues, Caitlin.
She's been lying to all of us to create a persona, a persona that is politically palatable to a certain constituency.
She is a 100%, dyed-in-the-wool fraud.
Penny Evans? You know, this isn't the first time Senator Greene has pulled a stunt like this.
Mainly during his time as a criminal barrister.
So, Caitlin, I've come prepared.
Here is my Dad's farm.
Here are some shots of me in my class at Bundaroo High.
(CHUCKLES) I wouldn't even know where What was it? St Margaret's was.
Here is my HSC certificate, again stating Bundaroo High.
I mean, Sydney University, give me a break.
(CHUCKLES) I've never been married.
And, to finish off, I have a pile of stat decs from my friends, relations, colleagues and neighbours, who will confirm my identity and the history of my life as I've told it today.
So I think, Senator Greene, you'll be hearing from my lawyers as early as tomorrow morning, because no-one calls me a bald-faced liar and doesn't pay for it.
You're a piece of work, aren't you? I know.
A very attractive piece of work, but a piece of work.
Now is not the time, Cleaver.
Get your make-up off.
Relax.
Do you just want to excuse the Senator and myself for a moment, please? (SIGHS) (SMACK!) Sir, I'm sorry, you need 100 points of ID to open a proper account.
- This this is my passport.
- Mm-hm.
OK, how many points do you want? How many points is that? - I've got receipts.
I mean, that's - Yeah, it's expired.
I'm sorry, sir, you don't have the hundred points.
I'm a Commonwealth senator.
Are you telling me that there is not a single account in this place that you can open for me? No, sir.
OK, what about your Tiny Tycoon Super Saver? Well, you're neither tiny nor a tycoon.
- I am a tycoon! - Oh, really? Yes! And I'm tiny.
Look, I'm a tiny tycoon.
How bad is this? - How bad is this fucking place? - Security! - Look at me.
- Security! I'm a fucking tiny tycoon.
I'm a member of the Australian Parliament, and I've had it up to pussy's bow with this shit! Why are we putting up with this abuse from these leeches?! Hey! That's my head! - Mate, give me back my head! - (COINS SCATTER) I'm not going to get my bloody deposit back, you bastard! Give it back! Give it back, you bastard! Following a successful leadership challenge in the party room, I have been elected the leader of the Federal Parliamentary Liberal Party.
There's about to be a coup.
What, a coup in Parliament? A quantum power shift with massive implications for this country at large.
Senator Cleaver Greene.
I was your fellow speaker here today.
Ah.
Li-Ming Wu.
This ice-cream, that has been so much a part of the lives of ordinary Australians, will slip through Noyce Industry's hands, and into the clutches of the Communist regime.