Remington Steele (1982) s05e03 Episode Script

- Previously.
- Stop the wedding! This marriage is a complete fraud, just like the groom.
You don't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation.
If I'm not married to an American citizen, I'm going to be thrown out of the country! How are we gonna keep this up for two years? By being the happiest married couple in America.
I recommend you have this honeymoon right away, Mr.
Steele.
At least we can say we were up all night on our honeymoon.
Why do we always draw the line at the bedroom door? Maybe this honeymoon will turn out to be a blessing in disguise after all.
- So what do you do? - I'm an archaeologist.
I'm about to set up a dig here.
- Roselli.
Anthony Roselli.
My friends call me Tony.
- Yes, I'm sure they do.
As soon as I prove Steele's marriage is a fraud I'll be back in solid with my bosses.
- Heading back to the monuments? - As soon as your plane takes off.
- Good-bye.
- Adios.
Here's to finishing in Los Angeles what we started in Mexico.
When's your next flight to Los Angeles? Oh! Ain't polite to run off in the middle of a conversation, love.
He wants his money.
- I told you.
He'll get it.
- When? A week.
Two at the most.
And who's gonna give you all that green, eh? My husband.
One of us got a bum memory, love.
You ain't married.
That's merely a formality, you greasy little ape.
Now, you run back to your master and you tell him he'll get every penny I owe him just as soon as I become Mrs.
Remington Steele.
Ah! Home, sweet home! Even the smog smells good.
The white zone is for loading and unloading only.
- You two have a nice honeymoon? - Truly an unforgettable experience, Fred.
What Mr.
Steele means is that the honeymoon's just beginning.
Uh, this came for you special delivery this morning.
Thank you.
Immigration? "Dear Mr.
Steele, due to the circumstances surrounding the demise of Norman Keyes "we shall be forced to continue our investigation of the Steele-Holt marriage.
Forms enclosed.
" Etc, etc, etc.
- "Yours sincerely, Gladys Lynch?" - Gladys Lynch? What happened to Estelle Becker? It seems she's been supplanted.
When are these bureaucrats gonna leave us alone? Miss Lynch wants proof? Fine.
We'll give her proof.
- Fred.
The office.
- The office? The office.
First we're going to take care of the paperwork.
Then we're going to invite Gladys Lynch to a very special dinner.
- Arsenic and Old Lace? - Come again, chief? Cary Grant, Josephine Hull.
Warner Bros.
, 1944.
Two little old ladies invite lonely gentlemen to sip elderberry wine and poison them.
A little extreme.
Seeing is believing, right? Step one, Mildred develops the pictures- proof of a honeymoon.
Step two, I move my clothes in- proof of cohabitation.
- Mm-hmm.
- Step three, you cook up one of your fabulous gourmet feasts.
Undisputable proof of wedded domesticity.
Hold the huzzahs.
We have a problem.
You lovebirds only took one picture, remember? Make 10 copies.
By the time dessert is served, we should have Miss Lynch eating out of the palm of our hand.
Mm-hmm.
And after dessert? I'm open for suggestions.
The office, Fred.
And don't spare the rubber.
- Who are all those people? - I figured you two would be raring to go once you got back.
Steele? Listen, nice to meet you.
I gotta talk to you! I have a 9:00! - Excuse me! - Wait your turn, huh, lady? Let go of my hand.
- All right.
Listen! - Hold it.
Hold it.
That's better.
- Where's 9:00? - That's me.
- 9:15.
- 9:30.
- 9:45.
- 11:30.
- You're early.
- I'm desperate.
Sit down.
Given our sizable backlog, Laura, I suggest we divide and conquer.
- Don't we do better as a team? - This mob is rabid, Laura.
9:00? Uh, 9:15? All right, madam.
This way.
Park it right in there.
There you go, sweetheart.
- Oh.
- In there, sir.
Thank you.
- Wait a minute.
- In and out, honey.
Just run 'em through.
It's okay.
- I'm sorry for the mix-up, Mrs.
- - McCormick.
But Mr.
Steele- My husband and I just got back from our honeymoon.
Oh, don't apologize, sweetie.
Believe me.
I know how it is.
I was the secretary who married the boss too.
I was never a secretary.
Don't be embarrassed.
It happens all the time.
You're the shoulder he cries on, the one who caters to his every whim.
So why shouldn't he dump the old crow at home and marry you? Mr.
Steele and I are different.
Ah, that's what I said about Hubert.
Only, now the louse is cheating on me.
! With his new secretary! I'm very sorry to hear that.
I don't want pity.
I want proof.
I want pictures.
That no-good dirtbag's gonna think twice before he takes another dip in the steno pool.
I understand how upsetting all this must be, Mrs.
McCormick but, unfortunately, the Remington Steele Agency isn't equipped to handle matters of such a delicate nature.
Perhaps you should consult the yellow pages.
Take a little advice.
Keep up the shorthand.
Oh.
- So, this is the little woman.
- Yeah.
That is quite some catch.
You sly dog! Laura Holt- Steele.
Holt-Steele.
Laura Holt Steele.
Very good, Laura.
You're gettin' the hang of it.
I bet she does a lot more than just type and file.
Oh, my wife's a woman of many talents.
Yes.
Perhaps you'd like to fill me in on the case, Mr.
Steele.
Mr.
Steele? That's a bit formal, isn't it, cutie? Company policy.
It's Mr.
Steele around the office.
No exceptions for the little wo- trouper.
You run a tight ship.
I like that, Steele! May we please get down to business? Of course.
Listen.
- I own a yacht brokerage down at the marina.
- Mm-hmm.
Lately, some of our ships have been disappearing right out of their slips.
Now, we're- Could you top this off for me, cutie? Thank you.
How are you fixed, big guy? Yes.
I could do with a spot more tea.
There you go.
Want some advice from an old salt? Don't bring the little woman around the office.
Cramps your style, if you know what I mean.
Huh? Huh? Might I see you for a moment, big guy? We have a client here, Miss Holt, uh, Steele, uh, Holt-Steele.
Hmm.
Take your time, you sly dog.
Will you stop encouraging that boor? - I'm merely maintaining our cover, Laura.
- Then stop enjoying it so much! I was used to unidentified woman.
I could even swallow unnamed associate.
I am not used to having people assume I slept my way into my job.
I realize how humiliating this is for you, Laura.
But it's the end result that counts.
By tonight, we'll be rid of Gladys Lynch and the whole bunch of them at Immigration.
Then it'll just be the two of us, hmm? Alone in my apartment? - Where you can practice sleeping your way to the top.
I mean, who knows what a night of lovemaking could bring? Your own parking space? Unlimited expense account? A key to the executive washroom? Throw in a desk chair, and you've got yourself a deal.
Hey, little lady- Make that decaf, will you? Ah, you son of a gun.
Next! Department of Immigration and Naturalization.
- Gladys Lynch? - That's right.
Anthony Roselli.
I just took over the Remington Steele case from Estelle Becker.
Why am I reporting to you? - Ask Washington.
- I did.
- And? - Some gobbeldygook about a fresh perspective.
That the file I asked for? What qualifies you for this assignment? I got friendly with Steele and Laura Holt in Mexico.
They think I'm an archaeologist.
That way, they won't be suspicious.
Who are you? Until Washington says different I'm your boss.
I did some checking on you, Mr.
Roselli.
Are you always so interested in your coworkers? I am when they pop out of nowhere.
And that's exactly where you came from.
There's no record of you being with Immigration.
I've been in Latin America for the past few years.
My records probably haven't caught up with me.
Why not? Haven't you heard of computers? Instant access? Gladys- I'm not gonna hog the spotlight, if that's what you're worried about.
All I wanna do is prove that Steele's marriage is phony.
Help me, and you can take all the bows.
There's something going on here that I don't understand.
But that doesn't mean I won't before it's over.
Gladys- Fight me on this, and you'll be stamping passports in Palmdale.
Have a nice day.
- Mmm.
- Mmm! - Shannon! - I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd pop 'round.
Oh.
Last time I saw you was in Hong Kong.
And that was five years ago.
Aren't you glad to see me? Oh, beside myself with joy.
Uh, unfortunately, I'm expecting guests.
I've missed you so much, Douglas.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- The bedroom.
- Oh, I love it when you take charge.
You can't be found here.
Not tonight.
Oh, if I am as quiet as a mouse, um, do I get a reward? - A big reward? - Oh, yeah.
Coming! Oh.
Ahh.
Oh, God.
Coming, coming, coming.
Ooh.
- Hmm.
Hi.
- What took you so long? The duck.
Had to put the duck in the oven.
Isn't it a little late to be starting dinner? Instant duck.
Comes in a pouch.
I'll put these away.
Ah, no, no, no, no.
I'll take care of those.
Why don't you-You just open the champagne.
That's a good idea.
Are you sure you can handle it? It's okay.
I can do it.
It's fine.
Heh.
Child's play.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Don't worry.
Don't you want to know where I've been? How I've been? How I got there? - No! - Need some help? No! No.
Oh, it started in Paris, I remember.
It was raining.
It always rains in Paris in the spring.
Save that thought.
There, you see? All tidied.
How did you fit everything in there? - Oh, let's not talk about shelf space at a time like this.
- Ooh! Ooh! - What's gotten into you? - Hmm? Mmm! You haven't forgotten Mexico, have you? Let the chips fall where they may? Up periscope, hmm? Mmm.
- What about Gladys Lynch? - Well, she said she wanted proof.
Hmm? I don't think this is the proof she had in mind.
Let's live dangerously, eh? - Why not? - Oh.
- Company, ah.
- Wait.
- What happened to your periscope? - It's retractable.
- Wait, wait.
- Huh? Okay.
- All right? - Fine.
Smile.
Gladys Lynch.
Pleasure to meet you, Miss Lynch.
I'm Remington Steele, and this is my wife, Laura Holt- Steele.
Holt-Steele.
- Laura Holt Steele.
- Please.
Please, come in.
Yes.
Please do.
Come on in.
There we go.
Um, may I take your wrap, Miss Lynch? Whatever happened to Estelle Becker? She was such a booster of our marriage.
That's exactly what happened to Estelle Becker.
- Is there some sort of problem that we don't know about? - Problem? Just because a man named Norman Keyes died trying to prove your marriage was a fraud? Can't imagine why that would raise any eyebrows.
Miss Lynch, we understand that the immigration department has to scrutinize all marriages between U.
S.
Citizens and- and aliens.
And we want you to know that we're willing to cooperate in every way we possibly can - to clear up the slightest doubt.
- Mm-hmm.
Would you like a tour of our happy home? Uh, uh, why don't you start in the kitchen? - The kitchen? - Uh, show Miss Lynch your pots and pans, darling.
She's so proud of her pots and pans.
Run along.
That's right.
Run along.
- Where was I? - In Paris, being rained on.
- Oops.
- That's where I met him.
- I was foolish to think I could forget you.
What was I to do? - Duck.
- What about the duck? - It's almost ready.
Take a peek at this.
In fact, I think it's burning.
Men.
Never let them unpack.
Come in.
Shannon, I think it's time you knew.
I've just returned from my honeymoon.
- Perfect.
The wife's always the last to know.
- What? As much as I admire your respect for tradition, I'm afraid it's adieu.
Douglas, I've flown 6,000 miles to- to throw myself at your feet.
And I appreciate the gesture.
There's no one prettier prostrate than you.
But I'm afraid all we're left with are our memories.
If that's the way you feel, then it really is adieu.
That's what I've always liked about you.
You've always been a sport.
- Oh.
Mildred.
- I'm not late, am I? - Actually, uh, you're early.
- But- The kitchen.
Quick.
Quick! Straight through here.
- That's it, my girl.
That's it.
Oh, yes.
- Oh! Just hide over here.
Hunker down.
Hunker down.
As soon as the coast is clear, make a beeline for the door, okay? - If you're sure it'll make you happy.
- Ecstatic.
Okay.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Ah, Mildred, now you're on time.
Ah, splendid, the pictures.
Let's not keep Miss Lynch waiting.
Come on.
Step lively.
Come on.
This way.
Let's go into the bedroom! - Okay.
- There we go.
Oh, don't worry about the pole.
We'll get a new one.
Anything for my bride.
A pole.
Anything.
- Thank you, dear.
- Anyone want to see the honeymoon pictures? - Good idea.
- Oh.
Great.
Uh, ladies, I think the light's a lot better in here, don't you? Of course, we took so many, we wouldn't want to bore you with all of them.
Shannon.
I think this happy gathering calls for some champagne, eh? What was that? The neighbors.
Walls are paper thin.
Oh! Clumsy me.
Where did she come from? - Paris.
- The bathroom.
She came from a bathroom in Paris? She just flew in from Paris, and she was, uh, freshening up in the bathroom.
I see.
Now I got a biggie for you.
- Uh-huh.
- Who is she? - Mr.
Steele's sister.
- Ah.
Could I trouble you for a glass of brandy? Travel can be so unsettling.
Oh, now, now, Sister Steele.
I'm sure rest is the very best thing for you.
She will join us as soon as she's up to it.
- Yes.
- Yes, indeed.
Yes, yes, yes.
Oh! Oh, quick thinking, Laura.
- Thank you.
Who is she? - Mmm? Oh, I'm sorry.
Forgive my manners.
Ah, Shannon Wayne, may I introduce my wife, Laura Holt? Steele.
Holt-Steele.
Laura Holt Steele.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Shannon and I are, uh, old, old, old friends.
- They can be such a comfort.
- Yes.
You, uh, you seem to be taking this in stride.
It's very simple.
We blow this marriage charade, and it's all over.
They fine me within an inch of my life.
The agency goes in the Dumpster, my hard work, my dreams up in smoke.
So as long as immigration thinks we're the happiest married couple in America I don't care what you do, you miserable swine.
So, smile, lamb chop.
These pictures are all the same.
We liked it so much, we wanted to give it to all of our friends.
Yeah.
Why don't you take one for your scrapbook.
- I'd like to see the rest.
- Well, if you've seen one, you've seen them all.
Tony! Gladys, I'd like you to meet my brother.
How ya doin'? - As you can see, we're just one, big, happy family.
- And real close.
- We'd better be running along.
- Where are you going? - The airport.
- The airport? Well, didn't I tell you, dear? Mother's flying in for the weekend.
But don't hold dinner.
She could be circling up there for hours.
Come along.
Sounds like your goose is cooked.
Thank you, Mildred.
Thank you so much.
Ah.
Well, ladies, why don't we sit down then, eh? - I think I'll be running along.
- Oh, so soon? I need time to absorb the evening.
Oh.
I suppose you heard that.
- What-What are you doing? - I was trying to get your attention.
- Oh, it's lonely in here, Dougie.
- What do you mean? Here.
Looks like Sis is well enough to travel.
- What about my coat? - We'll send it to you parcel post.
Careful! Hey! This better be good.
It all started in Paris.
Okay.
You've steamed, you've stewed, and you've digested.
You've done everything but talk.
Domestic tiff.
Dangerous game, trying to make your husband jealous.
- I know I shouldn't have kissed you that way.
I'm sorry.
- I'm not.
The last time I saw you, we were saying good-bye to each other in a Mexican airport.
I have a standing offer from UCLA.
Thought I'd take it.
Well, why didn't you say anything about it while we were in Mexico? I didn't want you to think I was following you.
After all, you're a happily married woman on her honeymoon.
You are a happily married woman, aren't you? Some days are happier than others.
You never told me why that Keyes guy thought your marriage was phony.
Doesn't matter what Keyes thought.
- 'Cause he's dead? - Because he was wrong.
What would you do if another Keyes came along? He never proved anything.
Well, if someone could prove you weren't really married I'd be the happiest man in the world.
I did follow you here.
Good-bye, Tony.
- Good morning, Mildred.
- Good morning.
Hello.
- I'm Laura Holt Steele.
- Norman Metzger.
- Where's the boss? - Sleeping in.
Uh-huh.
Excuse us.
Coffee break.
Okay, little mary sunshine.
Spill.
I don't know what you're talking about, Mildred.
You two have been married for less than a week, and you're fooling around already? Oh, I have heard about modern marriages, but this one takes the cake.
Why don't you ask Mr.
Steele how his sister is doing this morning? - His sister is history.
- Good.
Then you can send in the client.
Whoa.
Speaking about lost relatives just what's going on between you and the Italian Stallion? He's a friend.
That's all.
Oh, don't you think it's a little too friendly that he shows up on your doorstep? He's an archaeologist at UCLA.
I didn't ask what he did.
I asked what he's doing.
Mildred, send in the client! Please sit down, Mr.
Metzger.
That will be all, Miss Krebs.
- Shall we begin? - Shouldn't we wait for Mr.
Steele? With the demands on his precious time I'm afraid Mr.
Steele's schedule is rather unpredictable.
Now, what seems to be the problem? This.
Boy with Flute.
That's quite a flute.
- You're holding it upside-down.
- Oh.
It belongs to the Levinson estate.
I was supposed to sell it.
I'm the executor.
But I think it's been stolen.
- But you're not sure.
- The Lindstrom Gallery agreed to accept it on consignment.
But I hadn't heard from Eric Lindstrom for a couple of weeks, so I phoned.
He never returned any of my calls.
I went down there, but the place is locked up tight.
So, you're afraid Lindstrom may have disappeared with the painting.
Afraid isn't the word.
Mrs.
Steele, I'm just an accountant.
My stock in trade is client trust.
Now, if Lindstrom absconded with that painting the estate is out $21/2 million, and my reputation is ruined.
- Then let's get cracking.
- What about Mr.
Steele? - You're sure we shouldn't wait for your hus- - Positive.
Morning, morning, morning, morning.
She's not in.
Left her sleeping like a baby.
- Liar! - Really, Mildred.
No need to get nasty.
Oh, no, no.
Not you, boss.
It's that Tony character.
I've been doing some checking up on that alleged gravedigger.
- Alleged? - Oh, he's supposedly in town on UCLA's invitation.
- But, UCLA doesn't even know he exists.
- Steele? Speak of the snake.
That's speak of the devil, Mildred.
Always confusing her clichés.
Can I talk to you? In private.
Absolutely, Anthony.
Yes.
Mi casa es su casa.
Come in.
Come in.
Three's a crowd, Mildred.
That's another cliché- in this case, accurate.
- Business must be good.
- It's been a banner year for crime.
I suppose you're wondering what I was doing at your apartment last night.
Nonsense.
I thought what you were doing was perfectly clear.
Kissing my wife, wasn't it? I won't lie and say I didn't enjoy it.
So, you're an honest man, Anthony.
I like that in a person.
So does my wife.
You should know that I find your wife very attractive.
Oh, I'm sure she'll be delighted to hear that.
But I'm not the kinda guy who'd go after a married woman.
Now it's my turn to be delighted.
That is, unless she wasn't really married.
- Hypothetically speaking, of course.
- Of course.
Because if a married woman wasn't really married she'd be fair game, wouldn't she? - Hypothetically speaking, of course.
- Of course.
Then again, if this married woman was being pursued by a- Oh, say an archaeologist who was on the staff at-Well, pick any school.
Say, UCLA.
And she found out he was a bald-faced liar she'd be fairly upset with this archaeologist, don't you think? Hypothetically speaking.
A shame this isn't in hieroglyphics.
But then, perhaps you can decipher its full meaning anyway.
It's a good thing we're dealing in the abstract, eh, Anthony? - Good thing.
- And if you want to keep it that way I suggest you find someplace else to dig in the dirt.
I'm leaving for England in a few days.
Give my best to Big Ben.
Well, Anthony, it's a pity we won't be seeing you again.
You never can tell.
Drop everything, Mildred.
I want to know all there is to know about that slippery wife-stealer, and I mean pronto.
Remington Steele Investigations.
Yes, I will give him the message.
Speaking of slippery your sister has apparently collapsed in her hotel room.
- Shannon? - You have any other sisters I should know about? - Where is she? - Wilshire Marquis.
That tart is trouble, boss.
I'll handle the tart.
You keep digging for skeletons.
In 'ere.
- Douglas, wha-what are you doing here? - I believe you wanted to see me.
- I told you not to say anything.
- I didn't know how long you'd last.
That will be all, Doctor.
So- What seems to be the problem? - I suppose you have a right to know.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's my heart.
- Oh.
I have some sort of a condition.
A-A multisyllable word that only the doctors can pronounce.
B- But when you boil it down, time is of the essence.
Of course.
- Prescription brandy? - Oh, doctor's orders.
Uh, it stimulates the circulation.
I bet it does.
I'll admit, there have been other men in my life.
Well, a few other men.
Quite a few other men.
We're not going back to Paris, are we? But they all paled in comparison to you.
Which is why I-I'd hoped we could spend what little time there's left together.
- I'm a married man.
- Oh, I'll forget it if you will.
- I'm afraid I can't.
- You think it'll last? It has to.
Oh, give me these next few months, and I promise you won't regret it.
I don't think my wife would like that.
Oh, stop being such a loyal twit! Forget Lulu.
It's you I need! Desperately.
Steady, darling.
Remember the ticker? Oh, how- How can you let a little thing like a- a wife stand in the way of a dying woman's last request? Oh! I think we should call your husband.
- After you.
- You're not bad! - Boy With Flute.
- I knew it.
Since the painting appears to be missing, our next step is to find Eric Lindstrom.
No.
I'll tell you what our next step is.
We're going to find Remington Steele.
That's who we're going to find.
It's time to call in the big guns, little lady.
Remington Steele Investigations.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Metzger.
No, Mr.
Steele's not in.
Oh, hi, hon.
Sounds like we've got a bad connection.
Yes, Mildred, I think I've cleared up the problem.
Did Mr.
Steele leave a number? Just a minute.
Yes.
Okay.
Thanks.
- This really isn't necessary.
- Are you going to call, or am I? - Hello? - Hello? Yes? Remington Steele, please.
Mrs.
Steele calling.
I'm afraid he's indisposed at the moment.
I'll tell him just as soon as he gets dressed.
Ciao, darling.
You never said anything about a Mrs.
Steele! Nasty habit, listening on extensions.
- It's the way I find out things.
- Well, don't worry about her.
I'm paid to worry.
And the fella what pays me ain't gonna like it.
So don't tell him.
Because nothing's changed.
I'm still going to be Mrs.
Remington Steele.
What about 'er? As good as gone.
I wish Steele were here.
I told you.
He's in conference with a client.
He'll catch up with us as soon as he's free.
Hello? Eric Lindstrom here.
So good to hear your voice.
Wish I had time to chat, but I'm afraid I'm not in.
- Do leave your name and number after the tone.
Thank you.
Hi, Mr.
Lindstrom.
This is Tina at the L.
A.
Tribune.
We haven't received your subscription payment yet.
Could you please mail it right away? Thanks.
Hmm.
Timers.
The lights come on automatically.
If Lindstrom isn't here, then where is he? Next time, I'm waiting for Steele! Conducting the investigation with your usual decorum, eh, Laura? I thought you were someone else.
Mr.
Steele, am I glad to see you.
I'm afraid I got held up in traffic.
I'll bet it was bumper to bumper.
Yes.
Especially near the beach.
But since the two of you have plunged ahead, why don't you fill me in? While you were out blowing your horn, someone was using us for target practice.
I'm just an accountant.
I've never been shot at before.
Okay, Mr.
Metzger.
Calm down.
Don't panic.
At least we know we're hot on Lindstrom's trail.
Oh, listen, lady.
You may be a good little detective but from now on, the head honcho calls the shots! So, what's the plan, Steele? Uh, the plan, yes.
Uh, the plan is that we continue to proceed according to the usual detective procedure.
Keep me posted.
Where are you going? A pressing matter has arisen that demands my immediate attention.
Mr.
Steele, you just got here.
Mr.
Metzger, I'm sure my associate here has explained to you that I function best in an advisory capacity.
I assure you, sir, that I shall keep my eye on your case every step of the way.
- You have my word.
- Thank you.
Carry on, Mrs.
Steele.
Well.
Was he worth waiting for? - Out rather late for a woman in your delicate condition.
- Oh, careful, darling.
You're hurting me! - Where have you been? Out for a late night stroll.
It does wonders for the heart.
And does your constitutional involve taking potshots at Laura? - What are you babbling about? - The only other person with a motive left town two days ago.
Come on, darling.
I've much more effective means of eliminating your blushing bride.
Do you really care for me as much as you say you do? - Oh, darling.
- Huh? Let me count the ways.
Oh! If anything happens to Laura before I become a legal resident - I am gonna be kicked out on my ear.
- You always did enjoy traveling.
- I'm also lookin' at five years in prison! - I don't understand.
Immigration found out about my phony passport.
The only way to avoid being deported was to marry an American citizen.
Little Lulu to the rescue.
Only we didn't have time for a proper marriage so I manufactured the appropriate documents.
You're not legally married! And there's a bunch of bureaucrats eager to prove it.
If they succeed, I am gonna spend the next five years of my life in the pokey! Now, do you understand? - Oh, perfectly.
- Then stay away from Laura.
Oh, I wouldn't do anything to hurt you.
Remington Steele's marriage is a complete and total fraud.
Care to elaborate, Miss Wayne? What more is there to say? He told me that it was merely a ploy to keep him from being deported.
- I knew it.
! - Why did he confide in you? We were- How shall I put this? We were in the throes of ecstasy when it just slipped out.
Nice image.
So what do you get out of blowing the whistle on him? Our children deserve a name, Mr.
Roselli.
You and Steele have children? Derek, a darling little towhead and- and Pettina- A sad-eyed beauty.
She- She misses her father so much.
Yeah, well, she'll be missing him another five years at least.
We're gonna need your statement in writing.
W- Whatever does she mean, another five years? - Mandatory prison term.
- Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
L- I could never do that.
What would I tell the wee ones? Unless you could waive that minor little detail and simply deport him.
Hmm? - Could be arranged.
- In writing? Mr.
Roselli, need I remind you that Chapter 38, Paragraph 17 of the Immigration and Naturalization Code - clearly states that- - Gladys, take a walk.
Lower your blood pressure.
Where do I sign, hmm? - Is Laura in? - Ooh, hold it, boss.
We gotta huddle.
Quickly, Mildred.
I've just come up with a new development on the Metzger matter.
Okay, you remember the time you told me to check on Tony the tiger? - Yeah.
- Nada.
Goose egg.
Don't you get it? He's not an archaeologist.
There's no record that he was ever in Mexico.
In fact, there's no record that he exists at all.
You think the little woman made him up too? Highly unlikely.
However let's not burden her with this information, okay? Okay.
- Mildred, book Mr.
Steele and me on the first flight to London.
- London? A friend of Mr.
Metzger's ran into Lindstrom at the Thames Gardens Hotel.
Yes, he had the nerve to invite him up to the Presidential Suite for tea.
- Oh.
- Who says crime doesn't pay? I confirmed it with the airline.
Lindstrom landed two days ago.
That's what I love about you.
You're always one step ahead of the game.
- Piccadilly Circus, here we come.
- We? Aw, come on.
I was a big help in Mexico.
And you'll be an even bigger help right here.
Wait, wait.
Wait a minute.
If Lindstrom's flown the coop, then who shot at you two last night? We're detectives, Mildred.
Everybody shoots at us.
You know that.
- Obviously, Lindstrom has an accomplice.
- Of course.
Who else could it be? Time to start packing, don't you think? Tallyho and all that.
Get the galoshes out.
Huh? Yeah.
How'd it go? - She's out like a light.
- Who is she? - A loose end.
- Aw, come on, Tony.
Give us a clue.
You went outside channels on this one, and we can all get burned.
I got something heavy going down.
She got in the way.
What do you want us to do with her? Put her on a plane to Singapore.
There won't be any questions with this.
Diplomatic passport.
From the look of her, she's got a healthy pair of lungs.
Shame about the accident.
Had to bandage the whole face.
That oughta keep her quiet.
I pull this off, I'm back in business.
I won't forget you guys.
Oh, please don't hurt me.
I have a weak heart.
Will you relax, lady? Nobody's gonna hurt you.
My pills.
L- I need my pills.
They're in my purse.
All right.
Yeah.
It worked.
Steele's on his way to London.