Rick and Morty (2013) s05e03 Episode Script

1
Ahh, I love that new T-shirt smell.
Chicks are gonna be up all up in our biz
when they see us wearing these
Rick and Morty custom tees.
I bet we could sell these.
- Hells yeah. I fuckin' love merch!
- [THUNDER CRASHES]
- Aah! The rain! It It burns!
- Oh, shit.
Quick, Morty, protect the shirts!
- The door! Open the door! Rick!
- Is it
Morty, will ya stop tryna
- [LOCK CLICKS]
- Okay, there, it's open.
- Jesus.
- My skin is on fire.
W-Why is the rain doing that?
[LAUGHING EVILLY]
My acid rain will destroy
all things green and natural
or my name isn't Diesel Weasel.
- [LAUGHS EVILLY]
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
Huh. Well, that guy's easy to please.
Your acid rain is an acid pain
in the butt, Diesel Weasel!
- Wow.
- Yikes. Who's the chick
in need of a dialogue pass?
First order of business is
to clean up this acid rain
- with a little wind!
- Yoww!
Ow! Ow, my leg!
Wow.
And now an elemental punch
that's too hot to handle!
Wa-kah!
Oh, wow.
Curse you, Planetina!
I'll get you next slime!
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
There's only one solution
for Earth's pollution
- you!
- [TING!]
- Wow.
- Morty, if you say "wow"
one more time, I swear to fucking God
Are you crazy, Rick? She's right there!
Yeah, get that aluminum, Morty.
It's 8% of the Earth.
We'll need every atom.
Thanks! Every litter-bit helps!
[GASPS] Your problem!
- Excuse me?
- S-Sorry. I-I-I wanted to say,
"N-No problem, you're welcome,"
a-a-and it came out "your problem."
[CHUCKLES] I-I'm an idiot. Sorry.
You're not an idiot. You recycled.
- I-I'm Morty.
- Nice to meet you, Morty.
I'm Planetina, and I hope
you have a wonderful day.
- [HORN HONKS]
- RICK: Hey! The fuck we doin' here?
Uhh, y-y-you like soft serve?
There's a shop around the bend.
Oh, I don't eat ice cream.
Veal is a product of the dairy industry.
Oh, that's not good.
- No, it is not.
- [HORN HONKS]
Oh, my God! Come on!
- Let's go!
- I know a place that serves
cruelty-free doughnuts.
If you'd like, I could fly
you and your friend there
easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy.
Okay, I-I-I'll ask him.
He He said he can't come. Let's go!
What the fuck was that shit?
♪
♪
♪
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
PLANETINA: The Earth is in danger!
Pollution and waste
are ruining our planet.
Mother Nature has enlisted
the help of four young adults
from each major ethnicity
and when things look bad,
and I mean really bad
they combine the powers
of their elemental rings to create me!
Planetina, conservationist super person!
There's only one solution
for Earth's pollution you!
P-Pretty cool, huh? I-I can't believe
I actually hung out with Planetina.
How old is this woman?
She looks very mature.
She's a sentient amalgam
of natural elements,
so I don't believe age applies to her.
Great. Taylor Murphy dumps me
the day before his hella-big pool party
and my little brother's dating
a phase four super hero.
Just shoot me in the
fucking head until I die.
Hey, hey, none of that, Summerfest.
Look what you're doing to your
sister, you piece of shit.
- Is it weird that she hasn't texted me yet?
- Yes.
- No.
- What if I told you
that your Grandpa Rick's
got something up his sleeve
that's so Rick-diculous that
it's gonna make you forget
all about that stupid
asshole that dumped you?
- [PLATES CLATTER]
- Hey, my egg plate!
Morglutz, Slartivart, and Ferkus 9
three planets are all ending
in a delayed succession
of cataclysmic events.
A jam like this comes around
only once in a lifetime.
Morglutz's sun is going supernova,
Slartivart is falling into a black hole,
and Ferkus 9 is getting "Deep
Impact"-ed by an asteroid.
They're all having a
major, final blow out
and I'm gonna drug it up and suck it up
before each one goes ka-blamo,
and I'm taking my favorite
grandkid along with me!
- Hells yeah.
- 10 seconds on Morglutz,
and you'll be up to your neck
in I-could-give-two-shits-
about-what's-his-ass.
And also herpes.
- Um
- Oh, my God, thank you, Grandpa Rick!
I'm gonna go pack my rollie.
Um, Summer? I-I-I haven't
given you my approval yet.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Summer, approval is yet to be given here!
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- There's a huge forest fire
like 200 miles from here!
This is amazing!
Planetina's bound to be there.
Mom, I-I need the credit card
- to buy a train ticket.
- Absolutely not.
Mom, this is the biggest
wildfire of the year!
- You're not going!
- You're not going!
Da fuck I'm not. Last time I checked,
- this wasn't Russia.
- It's not Russia, Jerry.
My heart is broken, and
I deserve to let loose,
and if you don't like it,
you can suck my bigger tit.
Adiós, C-words.
Morty, I don't want you getting hurt.
- Please, think this over.
- I don't want to think!
I want to see a girl I like.
If you don't want to help me,
I'll find my own goddamn way
- to the wildfire.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
[DOOR SLAMMING]
- I'll get the wine.
- Thank you.
The Governor has implemented
a mandatory evacuation.
Abandon all hope, people!
Nothing will stop this fire.
- Nothing! Scratch that!
- [AIR WHOOSHING]
Here's Planetina, Savioress of Earth!
Yeeouch! Talk about a hot foot.
Better put this wildfire on ice!
MORTY: Come here, little buddy.
Come on, come on, come on,
I gotcha.
Morty?! What are you doing here?
Oh, hey! Y-You're here, too?
Yeah, I heard about
the wildfire back home,
and, you know, I stopped
by to lend a hand.
H-Here you go, fella. All safe now.
[CHUCKLES] Ahh, rabbits
al-always hopping
Never stoppin'.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Y-Yeah.
S-So it was, uh, great hanging
hanging out the other day.
I-I was getting kind of a
I mean I-I got kind
of a p-positive vibe.
Oh, good. I was putting one out.
I-I really like you.
Holy shit. I-I-I mean,
uh, well, oh, all right.
Next step, you w-want to go out again?
I do! But, uh, Morty, I have kids.
Oh, I-I-I'll get along with
them. I'm-I'm a kid.
No, I mean the four kids
that bring me into existence
by combining the power
of their elemental rings
so I can save Earth from
ecological disasters.
Oh, them! No, I-I know about them.
I-I like them.
Oh, good. Well, here they are now.
Hey, buddy, you want an autograph?
That's 20 bucks a pop.
No, Eddie, he's my friend.
Morty, these are my
kids, The Tina-Teers.
- Oh, hey.
- Tina, girl, have you gained weight?
Uh, well, I had a plant-based
doughnut yesterday.
- Just a half.
- Sugar is worst thing for figure, darling.
You want to be ugly?
Heh, I-I thought they'd be younger.
They've been manifesting
me since the mid-'90s.
A lot has changed since then.
This is freaking you out, huh?
It is a lot to take in.
I understand.
Well, I guess I'd better go.
See you around.
Hi-de-ho, TV 58!
Planetina, you single-handily saved
a National Forest with ease.
I do what I can, but
I can't do it alone!
And who's your friend over there?
Oh! This is Morty Smith.
He traveled 200 miles just to
save a rabbit from the fire.
He's a very special guy.
So, are you two dating?
Oh, um, w I-I-I
Yes, we are.
['80S POP MUSIC PLAYS]
- Fuck love.
- Fuck love.
- All right, time to set the rules.
- Lay it on me.
- No whining.
- Done.
- No crying.
- As if.
And absolutely, positively
no getting attached.
We're here to smash max
ass quantity over quality.
- Deal?
- Deal! I'm gonna eat so much ass,
you're gonna shit.
Check this out. This is
gonna be me at the party
b-b-laaaah!
B-b-blaaaah! Oh, is that another ass.
Don't mind if I b-b-blaaaah!
Ho-ho! This'll be me across the room
"Excuse me, miss. It appears
that you have an uneaten ass.
Allow me lalalalalaaah!
- Lalalalalaaah!
- B-b-blaaaah!
- B-b-blaaaah!
-
Whoo! Fucking super nova party!
Love is a lie! Hack the planet!
The world's ending, and for some reason,
I want to die with you
more than anyone else.
- [GIGGLES] Wow!
- Yo, Rick, don't look now,
but someone's giving you the big eye.
[VOMITING]
'Scuse me. I got to see
a man about a horse
- I'd rather have sex with.
- Aah!
- Hello.
- I'm Rick. Hey.
So, the world's ending,
and for some reason,
I want to die with you
more than anyone else.
- Hello.
- SUMMER: Have fun, Grandpa Rick!
No commitments!
I flew to you on an airplane ♪
- [KEYS TAPPING]
-
I was afraid that
you gave me strength ♪
- Forever, birds were soul twin loves ♪
-
- Baby, come back to me ♪
-
Baby, come back like it was ♪
Surprise!
- What are you doing here?
- Mmm!
I told my kids I went
out to recycle batteries.
All kidding aside,
everyone should discard
used batteries at
proper disposal centers
instead of tossing them
into a regular waste bin.
Thanks for the tip.
Flowers never last forever ♪
- But we can make it past forever ♪
- [DOLPHINS SQUEAKS]
Baby, come home to me ♪
Baby, you're home with me ♪
[CHEERING]
Solus is collapsing in five zip-zops.
If we time it right,
we can skeet together
as the sun explodes.
Sounds ah-mazing.
Say, I think I left my
purse back at the bar.
Can both of you go get it for me?
Anything for you, Mrs. Obama.
Time to ghost, Grandpa Rick.
RICK: Righty-right. Meet me at the car.
One of these has to be
hers. Where'd she go?
I guess we'll have to start without her.
Oh, her loss.
B-b-blaaaaaaaaah!
Whoo! Planet number two, let's do it!
Sorry, I took so long.
I had to ditch some clingers.
[SLURRING] Let's do it.
Up the butt, y'all.
- Geez, you okay to drive?
- Shiii!
'Course, I-I-I'm mable.
Bu[BURPS]ckle up.
[CRASHING]
Yeah!
Whoo!
- The best week of my life!
- DAPHNE: Hello.
- What was that?
- Nothin'.
Who wants to see the most
radadelic lady-version
- of a super hero?
- [CHEERING]
- Fire!
- Water!
- Air!
- And Dirt!
[CROWD GASPS]
Oh, no, the convention. Morty, wake up!
- We overslept.
- What's happening?
Hey, there's a little boy on her!
Oh, d-d-drop the curtain!
- There is no curtain!
- Idiots, zap her away!
No, no, no. Wait, I-I
- Whoa!
- Security!
What did you do? B-Bring her back!
- No! Let me go!
- Sorry, folks.
Planetina will be back in a moment.
Until then, who wants
a limited edition Funko
- for only $50?
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
This is very bad.
We are about to close deal.
- We cannot afford controversy.
- Don't you worry.
I know how ta deal with this Morty kid.
[CHEERING]
Hey, a bunch of us are
going over to Hibler's place
to shoot ourselves.
Y-You want to come with?
Sorry, but no man's tying
down Sum-Sum tonight.
- Hit the dicks.
- Your loss, honey.
You could have had allllllll this.
- [SOBS]
- Hey, check it out!
There's old people dancing!
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
Damn, girl. Your moves is tight.
- Hello.
- SUMMER: Rick!
What the WTF is that
Morglutzian doing here?
Morglutzian? She's
She's not Morglutzian.
She's the only blue person
here without three eyes!
Okay, fine. B-Busted.
Thi-Thi-This is, uh, Daphne.
Daphne, this is Summer,
my granddaughter.
Granddaughter? Hello.
Daphne heard about
our little party crawl,
and I told her she could come with.
I-I-In the trunk.
What in the actual fuck, Rick?
We said no commitments!
This was to be our
Apocalypse Party-crawl!
You broke the rules!
Squares follow rules, Summer.
Daphne's down to freak.
She's up for any [BURPS] sick,
nasty thing I want to do.
- Hello.
- Oh, yeah, baby.
[BOTH MOANING]
All right, fellas, take five.
He ain't gonna give me any trouble.
- [LOCK CLICKS]
- MORTY: Where's Planetina?
- Don't you worry about her.
- I want to see her!
Planetina's got a lot
of responsibilities.
People depend on her.
And you, my friend,
are a distraction we
can't afford right now.
She's just a product to you, isn't she?
Something to make money off of.
W-Well, Planetina's more than that.
She's a brilliant, living
thing, and I love her.
Oh, you love her? Well, guess what.
We own her.
But not for long, of course.
We're gonna sell her
to some Arab overseas.
Fire.
As for you, maybe she
won't love you so much
if you ain't so pretty no more.
- Stop! Yah!
- Ow!
Y-You want to fuck with me? Do you?
Stupid fuckin' shit hole!
- Aaaaaah!
- [GRUNTS]
GUARD: Boss, what's
happening? Let us in!
- Aah!
- [SPITS]
Fire!
[SCREAMING]
Fire!
Can we conclude our business?
I'm eager to celebrate my
purchase of Planetina over dinner,
and these infant seals
aren't getting any younger.
Momentarily, comrade.
Soon, our partner will return.
Ugh! What is taking Eddie so long?
His phone keep going to voicemail.
EDDIE: Start leaving a message ♪
I can't make it to the phone ♪
Just kidding. It's Eddie.
Go fuck yourself.
[VOICEMAIL BEEPS]
Which one of you ordered a pizza?
No one order pizza. What is this?
Well, I got a cheesy Italian,
extra crispy just for you.
I know those cheek bones
like they're me own!
- It's Eddie!
- Fucking Mother!
- Kill him!
- Stone!
- Stone!
- Fire!
Aah!
- Airs!
- [AIR WHOOSHING]
Cold Water! Cold Water!
Dirt!
Fire!
Wa
- [SCREAMING]
- Airs.
Now we can be together, Planetina.
I am an individual character.
- I represent no group.
- Fire!
- Aaah!
- Water! Dirt! Airs!
[SCREAMING]
Aah!
Not good!
[BABY SEALS GROWLING, BARKING]
Blib
Naga
Threve
Verillex Gam!
Happy Apocalypse!
- Oh, my gaaah!
- This is awful!
Why were we cheering?!
[RUMBLING]
Hello. Got any agua around here?
Mama's got to hydrate.
Glove box.
Oh, yeah.
Rick is the coolest guy ever.
We're total soul mates.
He's gonna show me the
wonders of the universe.
Ha! Once we get to the next planet,
Grandpa Rick is gonna
ditch you, like, so fast.
- Oh, is that so?
- Uh-huh,
nobody is tying that guy down ever.
The only chick seeing the
universe with Rick is me.
Not if I keep Rick's
mouth full of these.
Oh, my Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah. That's right, girlfriend.
This is what you're up against.
Wars were fought over these.
They've ruined kings,
inspired presidents.
A hundred songs and
nine national anthems
have been written about them.
Best set of elbow-titties on Morglutz.
And now, thanks to Rick,
the best in the galaxy.
You want me to put them away?
- Please.
- Sure.
But only because you're
Rick's granddaughter.
Daph? Daphne?
Where are ya, baby? Papa
needs some more elbow grease.
Comin'! Ya might want to
keep your eyes on the road.
It's about to get sloppy.
- Hello!
- Hello.
- Ugh!
- [LOUD MOANING, BED CREAKING]
Then I put my sunglasses on and
walked out like nothing happened.
I'm finally free. All because of Morty.
What a romantic story
about our son killing
a room full of people.
Your turn.
Uh, seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven!
Oyyy, don't punch my lunch!
A-ha! Eat it!
I'm out of food cards.
How 'bout I loan you two quiche at 10%?
That's so generous.
My turn!
Double sixes, baby!
- One, two, three
- So, what's next for Planetina?
Well, now that I'm not
distracted by book signings
and publicity stunts,
Morty and I can concentrate
on more important things.
- Like school.
- Like moving in.
Planetina doesn't have
a place to stay now,
so I said she could live with us.
Holy shit. Morty, no.
- I'm so full!
- What do you mean, no?
- Whoo! [LAUGHS]
- Don't punch my lunch.
I wouldn't be a burden, Mrs. Smith.
I only want to spend as much
time as possible with your son.
My son is 14, miss.
I'm sorry, Morty. You're way too young.
But y-y-y-you were a teenager
when Dad got you pregnant.
I was 17! That's at
least 26 in boy years.
I'm sure Planetina is very nice,
but when you're a teenager,
love is fleeting, at best.
You underestimate Morty.
He is a very mature young man.
See, Mom? I told you!
This is not happening.
End of discussion.
Planetina, I think you
should leave, please.
- Okay, Mrs. Smith.
- Oh, no! [BELCHES]
Mom, I hate you!
- You suck!
- Hey, now, it's only a game.
- BETH AND MORTY: Shut up!
- Okay.
My whole life, I've
never fit in anywhere.
Everything I have to say is
always met with an eye roll
as if the act of hearing what I have
to say is some exhausting chore.
Nobody in this family thinks I
can say or do anything right!
I've been all over the universe,
met hundreds of people,
and Planetina's the
only one I've ever met
that makes me feel like I belong,
and you just kicked
her out of our house!
- Morty, please
- I will never forgive you for this!
Get the sword and throw it far ♪
Let it shine under the morning star ♪
- Morty! Morty, come back!
- [AIR WHOOSHING]
Who are you? ♪
Who am I to you? ♪
- I am the antichrist to you ♪
- [LIGHTNING CRACKLING]
♪
Fallen from the sky with grace ♪
Into your arms race ♪
♪
Get out! All of you, get out of there!
- You're killing the planet!
- Your people didn't get the votes.
Leave, or I'll have you arrested.
It's you people who should be arrested.
Gutting the land, poisoning
the air your children breathe?!
- Can't you see what you're doing?!
- Easy for you to say!
You can live how you want!
We need the jobs. Let's go, boys.
She can't stop us.
- W-We'll get them next time.
- There's no time left!
Can't you hear the Earth screaming?
- You filthy murderers!
- Planetina, stop it!
There's only one solution
for Earth's pollution!
[SCREAMING]
Oh, my God, no.
Who am I to you? ♪
I am the antichrist to you ♪
No!
I can't believe I'm banging my
co-workers. And I'm the boss!
This gay sex with my Dad is terrific!
What was I thinking?
It'll all be over soon!
Last chance to pee on me! Anyone?!
Okay, Grandpa, the meteor's almost here.
- We can go now.
- Ah, nah, we still got time.
Well, then stop being in
love and start having fun.
Ah, love's pretty fun, Summer.
Just give it a chance.
It's not even real love!
Daphne's just with you so
she can keep surviving!
Ah, the young so naive.
[FOOTSTEPS SQUISHING]
[SQUISHING]
[GROANS]
Eww, gross.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[WINDSHIELD SQUEAKING]
[EXPLOSION]
Congratulations, Ferkisians!
Your apocalypse is aborted.
And, Grandpa, you and I can go home.
Daphne, you may come with.
If you want to and don't have to.
I don't know what you're
getting at, Summer.
Obviously, Daphne wants to
Aw, you cold bitch. Hello?
Goodbye.
Hey, she's the one that saved the world!
Now we got to go to work tomorrow!
[ALL BOOING]
You fucker!
Sorry I messed things up with Daphne.
Just shut up. I get it.
- Really? You're not mad?
- I'm furious.
But I have to admit,
it was pretty Rick of you
to avert an apocalypse
in a tantrum of cynicism
just to destroy one dumb relationship.
Still, sorry.
Eh, I would've done the same for you.
Promise?
- Love you, Grandpa Rick.
- Don't make it weird.
[PHONE CHIMES]
- [KEYS TAPPING]
-
[PHONE CHIMES]
Please go. I-I-I can't see you anymore.
Don't you even want to
try to make it work?
- We were so close.
- You murdered 300 people.
And you murdered my kids.
They were gonna sell you away forever.
Eddie was trying to kill me!
Th-Those miners were innocent.
Those innocent miners
voted men into power
to protect their precious jobs
so they can buy more plastic garbage
and eat the corpses of tortured animals.
The system is broken, Morty.
This is the only way I can save Earth,
the only way I can save you.
If that's the only way,
I-I don't want to be saved.
- Please, go.
- But I love you.
I-I-I can't I-I can't love you.
I-I just can't.
- Please understand.
- No. [SNIFFLES]
I'll go, but don't you dare
ask me to understand.
Planetina, I-I'm so sorry.
Fuck you.
Morty? Are you all right?
She's gone, Mom! She's gone!
[SOBS] I loved her so much!
I know you did, honey.
- [CRYING]
- Shh, Mommy's here.
Let it shine under the morning star ♪
Who are you? ♪
Who am I to you? ♪
I am the antichrist to you ♪
Fallen from the sky with grace ♪
Into your arms ♪
[DOOR BELLS JINGLE]
[CLEARS THROAT]
- Good morning.
- 'Morning.
- Slow day, huh?
- Yep.
Probably because everybody thought
the world wouldn't be,
you know, like, here today.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mom in back?
Mom's not talking to us.
Because we had sex?
Yes. Uh, yeah.
That makes sense.
Happy birthday, by the way.
[SIGHS]