Robot Chicken s05e03 Episode Script
Big Trouble in Little Clerks 2
It's alive! You take the blue pill, our story ends.
You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Oh, hello, rabbit hole.
Cy-Kill is on our tail, Scooter.
We need to go faster.
No problem, Leader-1.
Initiating walker mode! Hold onto your go-butt! Let's cut this sketch.
Welp, they cut NASA's budget again! Early retirement with no benefits! I I-I think I might be having a breakdown, Jeannie.
Oh, no! Does master need a back rub? Are you listening to me?! Master needs a damn minute to himself! Hmph! Maybe I'll just spend the night in my bottle.
Your bottle's gonna spend the night up your ass if you don't conjure up some whiskey and a fistful of pills! All right, main boosters are ready for a "go.
" It's a beautiful morning for a launch, ladies and gentlemen.
Uh, hold on.
Uh, Charlie Delta, there appears to be a giant old-timey lollipop with an erection approaching your shuttle.
Be on aware.
I'm here for my exit interview, space Master! Oh, please! Please wish for it to start raining eyeballs?! You got it! Gentlemen, we have some weather.
I am Mictecacihuatl, the Aztec goddess of death! Aah! Uh, mission control, we have a visual on the cast of "Good Times" chewing on the fuel cable for thruster three.
Jimmie "J.
J.
" "Kid Dy-no-mite" Walker is almost through the insulation.
Can you confirm? Over.
Negative, Charlie Delta.
Attempting to communicate with a sentient Victorian doll, over.
I now know what hell sounds like.
Recommend a tactical nuclear strike at my position.
Tell my family I love them.
Oh, there, there, master.
Yes.
A giant butt! Oh, I showed them all, didn't I? Oh.
Did you bring the money? It's right here.
It's all there, you son of a bitch $5 million in bearer bonds.
Now give me my son! Jayden! Daddy! Thank God! Okay, guess we're all done here.
Okay.
Yeah.
I-I guess we are.
Unless you went to the [bleep.]
cops! You said no cops.
Is some [bleep.]
sniper gonna kill me the second I walk away? No.
Is there a [bleep.]
trace in this briefcase? No.
Are you just gonna kidnap my son again later? Why would I? I have $5 million.
We'll be right back with another thrilling tale of Bark! Bark! You're doing it! Bark! Bark! Good girl, Lassie! Oh, you bitch! Apologies, my dear.
It's Kind of what I am known for.
Daddy, how do they get the cork in the bottle? Well, Abigail Ungh! Aaaaah! Stop crying and tell lies! A-Abigail is a good little girl! Ungh! Aaaaah! W-what? Yep.
Pinocchio must have read your diary.
Whoo! Everything in this jungle wanna eat you, baby I can't blame 'em, 'cause you look so fine I want to give you sexual rabies sexual rabies gimme that sweet, sweet monkey vagine though I want to put your pelvis in traction on Pandora, the main attraction is blue rabbits Whoo! Blue rabbits [bleep.]
Yeah Whoo! Blue rabbits you know, you won't see rabbit sex in "The Lord of the Rings" smack her in the ass with your ponytail thing Jake Sully was a soldier in a bad position he won't be scoring with that spinal condition they put him in a body with a tail and fangs and what we are presuming is an indigo wang now he's gonna nail all the beaver he wanna while the animators spank it to Zoe Zaldana-a-a and now we've got blue rabbits Whoo! Blue rabbits [bleep.]
Yeah Whoo! Blue rabbits blue rabbits Everywhere! And now a word from James Cameron.
Ork! Ork! Ork! Ork! Ork! This whole planet's got [bleep.]
stench you can smell it on the other Yay! Got to go! And that's why bottled water is an $8 billion industry.
Getting it clean.
I'm sorry, Twiki.
You have diabete-bete-betes.
This lasik procedure shouldn't take very long, Fred.
The success rate is very, very low.
You think this is bad? My last job was giving late-term abortions to unwed teens.
Dean Proffitt, since you knew that wealthy socialite had amnesia, your actions amount to kidnapping, forced servitude, and rape.
The court sentences you to death.
Oh! Hey, hey! Let's not go overboard.
Okay, you can go.
Whoo-hoo! I've had the best time tonight.
Me too.
You know, when Jennifer said she had a cute friend, I had no idea she'd be a silverhawk.
Let's, um Skip dessert.
What do you think? That is so hot! How do I take your armor off? Armor? That's my body.
W-what? Partly metal, partly real? It's in our theme song.
Oh.
Yeah.
I-I, uh So, well So how do we? Just pound on my crotch with this ball-peen hammer.
Oh, yes! Yes! Yeah? Am I doing it? Harder! Do it! Okay! Yes! All right.
I'm swinging it.
Yeah, yeah.
You like that? Yeah, yeah.
Is this doing something? Ow! Oh, piss on it! I hit my thumb! Shh.
Do you hear that? I think I want to go home now.
Are you ready for another incredible adventure? Yeah! Casper? Oh, no.
It's my mom.
Oh, my God! Casper! You've come back to me! No, mom.
I came back to have fun adventures with my new friends.
Duh.
New friends? Casper, I've been crying every day for the last two years! Why'd you have to play by the pool, Casper?! Come on, guys.
Let's ditch this wet blanket and play! This next tale of terror follows the unusual death of one Chet Masterson, who Wait a minute.
I knew a Chet Masterson.
Can we find out if I-it's the same one? No, I guess that was a couple months ago.
He's dead? You're kidding me.
No.
No.
I can't do this, guys.
It wouldn't be right.
I knew him.
No! [Bleep.]
you, Jerry! I'm not reading it! "Debbie Does Dallas"? "Taboo"? The collected works of Eva Angelina! Finally, I have time All the time in the world! Ooh! Oop! No.
That's not fair.
There was time now.
There was finally time! Now, Joes, keep your faces right in the dirt and Oh! What the hell?! This smells like dog Duke, looks like you just rolled craps! Doo-doo head! Hey! Hey! Hey! All right, Joes.
We've got work to do, so Aw, a cat pissed in my helmet! Sorry, Duke.
That was my sidekick, Cat Scan.
Why is everyone bringing animals into the pit?! It's all right here in the handbook, Duke One animal per Joe.
Wait a minute.
You mean we all get a pet? The element of surprise.
Duke to Gung-Ho, you better be ready.
Ready, Duke.
These cobras won't know what Quiet, Dumbolaya! For the love of Dumbo! Oh, the sneak attack is blown.
All Joes attack! Here we go, Stink Bomb.
Let's roast some snakes.
No! This can't be going on! Oh, me bones! Oh, they're torchin' me bones! I've torched my own bones! Eat throwing star, cobra scum.
Lumpy, no! Roses are red, pansies are orange.
I love killing cobras Ow! Oh, no! The animals! The animals have ruined everything! No, Duke.
There's still one more pet Mine.
Deep Six, that's medal of honor material right there.
Oh, look out.
In your face, everyone who said I was useless! Aren't you a little old to be clubbing, dude? I'm only 25.
I have progeria.
***
You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Oh, hello, rabbit hole.
Cy-Kill is on our tail, Scooter.
We need to go faster.
No problem, Leader-1.
Initiating walker mode! Hold onto your go-butt! Let's cut this sketch.
Welp, they cut NASA's budget again! Early retirement with no benefits! I I-I think I might be having a breakdown, Jeannie.
Oh, no! Does master need a back rub? Are you listening to me?! Master needs a damn minute to himself! Hmph! Maybe I'll just spend the night in my bottle.
Your bottle's gonna spend the night up your ass if you don't conjure up some whiskey and a fistful of pills! All right, main boosters are ready for a "go.
" It's a beautiful morning for a launch, ladies and gentlemen.
Uh, hold on.
Uh, Charlie Delta, there appears to be a giant old-timey lollipop with an erection approaching your shuttle.
Be on aware.
I'm here for my exit interview, space Master! Oh, please! Please wish for it to start raining eyeballs?! You got it! Gentlemen, we have some weather.
I am Mictecacihuatl, the Aztec goddess of death! Aah! Uh, mission control, we have a visual on the cast of "Good Times" chewing on the fuel cable for thruster three.
Jimmie "J.
J.
" "Kid Dy-no-mite" Walker is almost through the insulation.
Can you confirm? Over.
Negative, Charlie Delta.
Attempting to communicate with a sentient Victorian doll, over.
I now know what hell sounds like.
Recommend a tactical nuclear strike at my position.
Tell my family I love them.
Oh, there, there, master.
Yes.
A giant butt! Oh, I showed them all, didn't I? Oh.
Did you bring the money? It's right here.
It's all there, you son of a bitch $5 million in bearer bonds.
Now give me my son! Jayden! Daddy! Thank God! Okay, guess we're all done here.
Okay.
Yeah.
I-I guess we are.
Unless you went to the [bleep.]
cops! You said no cops.
Is some [bleep.]
sniper gonna kill me the second I walk away? No.
Is there a [bleep.]
trace in this briefcase? No.
Are you just gonna kidnap my son again later? Why would I? I have $5 million.
We'll be right back with another thrilling tale of Bark! Bark! You're doing it! Bark! Bark! Good girl, Lassie! Oh, you bitch! Apologies, my dear.
It's Kind of what I am known for.
Daddy, how do they get the cork in the bottle? Well, Abigail Ungh! Aaaaah! Stop crying and tell lies! A-Abigail is a good little girl! Ungh! Aaaaah! W-what? Yep.
Pinocchio must have read your diary.
Whoo! Everything in this jungle wanna eat you, baby I can't blame 'em, 'cause you look so fine I want to give you sexual rabies sexual rabies gimme that sweet, sweet monkey vagine though I want to put your pelvis in traction on Pandora, the main attraction is blue rabbits Whoo! Blue rabbits [bleep.]
Yeah Whoo! Blue rabbits you know, you won't see rabbit sex in "The Lord of the Rings" smack her in the ass with your ponytail thing Jake Sully was a soldier in a bad position he won't be scoring with that spinal condition they put him in a body with a tail and fangs and what we are presuming is an indigo wang now he's gonna nail all the beaver he wanna while the animators spank it to Zoe Zaldana-a-a and now we've got blue rabbits Whoo! Blue rabbits [bleep.]
Yeah Whoo! Blue rabbits blue rabbits Everywhere! And now a word from James Cameron.
Ork! Ork! Ork! Ork! Ork! This whole planet's got [bleep.]
stench you can smell it on the other Yay! Got to go! And that's why bottled water is an $8 billion industry.
Getting it clean.
I'm sorry, Twiki.
You have diabete-bete-betes.
This lasik procedure shouldn't take very long, Fred.
The success rate is very, very low.
You think this is bad? My last job was giving late-term abortions to unwed teens.
Dean Proffitt, since you knew that wealthy socialite had amnesia, your actions amount to kidnapping, forced servitude, and rape.
The court sentences you to death.
Oh! Hey, hey! Let's not go overboard.
Okay, you can go.
Whoo-hoo! I've had the best time tonight.
Me too.
You know, when Jennifer said she had a cute friend, I had no idea she'd be a silverhawk.
Let's, um Skip dessert.
What do you think? That is so hot! How do I take your armor off? Armor? That's my body.
W-what? Partly metal, partly real? It's in our theme song.
Oh.
Yeah.
I-I, uh So, well So how do we? Just pound on my crotch with this ball-peen hammer.
Oh, yes! Yes! Yeah? Am I doing it? Harder! Do it! Okay! Yes! All right.
I'm swinging it.
Yeah, yeah.
You like that? Yeah, yeah.
Is this doing something? Ow! Oh, piss on it! I hit my thumb! Shh.
Do you hear that? I think I want to go home now.
Are you ready for another incredible adventure? Yeah! Casper? Oh, no.
It's my mom.
Oh, my God! Casper! You've come back to me! No, mom.
I came back to have fun adventures with my new friends.
Duh.
New friends? Casper, I've been crying every day for the last two years! Why'd you have to play by the pool, Casper?! Come on, guys.
Let's ditch this wet blanket and play! This next tale of terror follows the unusual death of one Chet Masterson, who Wait a minute.
I knew a Chet Masterson.
Can we find out if I-it's the same one? No, I guess that was a couple months ago.
He's dead? You're kidding me.
No.
No.
I can't do this, guys.
It wouldn't be right.
I knew him.
No! [Bleep.]
you, Jerry! I'm not reading it! "Debbie Does Dallas"? "Taboo"? The collected works of Eva Angelina! Finally, I have time All the time in the world! Ooh! Oop! No.
That's not fair.
There was time now.
There was finally time! Now, Joes, keep your faces right in the dirt and Oh! What the hell?! This smells like dog Duke, looks like you just rolled craps! Doo-doo head! Hey! Hey! Hey! All right, Joes.
We've got work to do, so Aw, a cat pissed in my helmet! Sorry, Duke.
That was my sidekick, Cat Scan.
Why is everyone bringing animals into the pit?! It's all right here in the handbook, Duke One animal per Joe.
Wait a minute.
You mean we all get a pet? The element of surprise.
Duke to Gung-Ho, you better be ready.
Ready, Duke.
These cobras won't know what Quiet, Dumbolaya! For the love of Dumbo! Oh, the sneak attack is blown.
All Joes attack! Here we go, Stink Bomb.
Let's roast some snakes.
No! This can't be going on! Oh, me bones! Oh, they're torchin' me bones! I've torched my own bones! Eat throwing star, cobra scum.
Lumpy, no! Roses are red, pansies are orange.
I love killing cobras Ow! Oh, no! The animals! The animals have ruined everything! No, Duke.
There's still one more pet Mine.
Deep Six, that's medal of honor material right there.
Oh, look out.
In your face, everyone who said I was useless! Aren't you a little old to be clubbing, dude? I'm only 25.
I have progeria.
***