Spin City s05e03 Episode Script

* she'll be comin' 'round the Mountain when she comes * * she'll be comin' 'round the Mountain when she comes * * yee-ha, she'll be ridin' Stuart bondek * * she'll be ridin' Stuart bondek * * she'll be ridin' Stuart bondek when she * Carter! We're out of towels! It was your turn to wash 'em.
Throw me a dirty one! I can't.
Caitlin's coming to pick me up for the theater, and I'm not ready.
Aaah! I just had rags de-flead! You can't go out with Caitlin tonight.
It's our movie night.
I'm not gonna have a Swayze-fest by myself.
Carter, we're gonna be that's weird.
Yeah.
I look different without my glasses.
Caitlin, let's get outta here.
You should really get that checked out.
Hey.
Caitlin, hi.
I liked your press release for the mayor's "get out and vote" campaign, although I found the title a bit racy.
What's racy about it? "Mayor Winston looks forward to a huge election.
" You might want to proofread more closely next time.
"Mayor Winston looks forward to a huge" oh, my God.
There's no "r" in "election.
" This is a typo.
I assume that.
Otherwise I'd like to know how you check.
We're about to walk into a press conference.
Tell them you made a mistake.
Who cares what the press thinks? It's taken me years to build my reputation.
It took me one weekend in Amsterdam to build mine.
Caitlin! Caitlin! Caitlin! Caitlin! Can you tell us who's responsible for the mayor's press release? It's hard to pinpoint the exact source.
But I will form a fact-finding committee to get to the bottom of it was me.
I drafted the press release.
Though it was a mistake, I am in no way implying that the mayor is incapable of achieving a huge erection.
Thank you.
Hey, Carter.
You ready for lunch? Oh, oh, I have to cancel.
But it's Tex-mex Monday.
Sorry.
Caitlin and I are taking rags to the hair salon.
He, uh He had a bad reaction to the grecian formula.
All right first movie night, now lunch.
Next you'll be backing out of the police auction this weekend.
I never said I'd go to that.
Fine more seized goods and vehicles for me! Hey, Stuart.
How was your weekend? Look, I didn't have a towel, so I used a dog.
Can we please drop it?! How about you, Angie? Good weekend? I worked at my dad's restaurant so I can make the rent.
Oh, you crazy kids.
We'll pick this up later.
Hey, Paul.
Lately it feels like something's missing around here.
You know what this office needs? A meat cone? A little chitchat casual conversation.
You mean water-cooler talk? Exactly.
This office needs more water-cooler talk.
And what better way to do that than to bring in a meat cone? Charlie, I was just telling the mayor no meat cone, Paul.
Translate the following sentence I like chicken.
If you said, "me gusta pollo," good job.
Translate the following sentence I like chicken.
Me gusta pollo.
If you said, "me gusta pollo," good job.
Yes! Charlie, I want to thank you for covering for me at the press conference.
No problem.
I'm in the middle of something.
Oh.
Okay.
ILikeBeef.
What? You heard me.
ILikeBeef.
"Intro to Spanish"? Why are you studying Spanish? Next time I wake up in Mexico, I want to find out how I got there.
I know what you're doing.
You're learning Spanish so you can help the mayor connect with the Latin community.
Exactly.
Fantastic! We should leak this to the press.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell.
Whatever you want.
Your secret is safe with me.
You told her you were taking Spanish to get your college degree? What, are you nuts? She can't keep a secret.
What's the big deal? It's just one credit.
If the press finds out I didn't graduate, it could be a problem for the mayor.
But that doesn't mean you can't tell Caitlin.
I know she can keep a secret.
Then how do I know you once had a sex dream about Paul and Vincent price? Caitlin! What's it gonna be for rags feathered or bangs? Surprise me.
I'm gonna make you look That's 70 for you! Charlie's taking Spanish classes.
He wants to help the mayor get in touch with the Latin community.
I'd like to get in touch with Enrique iglesias muy caliente.
The weird thing is, he doesn't want me to tell anyone.
You just told me.
I know.
Don't tell anyone.
You'd think he'd want to get some good press out of this.
Would.
Maybe Charlie doesn't care what the press thinks about him.
Oh, he cares.
I bet he's plagued with sleepless nights just like all of us.
Rags is all shampooed, and the stylist will be with you in a couple minutes.
Ahhh.
Oooh.
Citrusy.
Ow! The lengths you women go to for beauty ha! In a moment we're gonna be in the middle of some real office chitchat.
Huh? You want water-cooler talk You get a water cooler.
Well, let's give this baby a test-drive.
So, tell me, Paul you like sports? Sports oh, yeah.
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
I could talk endlessly about sports.
I feel the same way.
Sports! Stuart, rags was swept out into the street and accidentally taken to the pound.
He was found without a leash, and he committed a g & b.
What's a g & b? Growl and bite.
Come on.
You're in charge of this.
Make a call.
Get him released.
If I let rags go, then I'd have to release the poodle we nabbed for a d & r dump and run.
Sorry.
My hands are tied.
This is outrageous! Ah! Ah! You thirsty, Charlie? Sure.
There we go.
What's wrong with this thing? Can anyone tell me how to say "what a beautiful day"? Lewis.
Qué lindo día.
Very good.
How about "what time is lunch?" Lewis.
¿A qué hora es el almuerzo? Excellent.
Now, who can say "I have a flat tire, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station"? Charlie.
Wildcat football rules! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Why don't we take a 10-minute break? What are you doing here? Don't get mad, but I brought a reporter to do a story on you.
George brandle with the New York journal.
You can thank me later.
After Caitlin called me, I did some digging.
Is it true you never graduated from college? Thank you! Caitlin, I'm glad you're here.
I had this terrible dream that my picture was on the front page, right below a caption calling me stupid.
Oh, wait a minute that wasn't a dream! How was I supposed to know? Why didn't you graduate from college in the first place? It's a long story.
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! I can't believe you graduated.
That Spanish final was so freakin' hard, I didn't think we were gonna make it.
What Spanish final? I'm gonna fix this, and the press is gonna think you're a rhodes scholar.
Don't try to fix this.
Don't do anything.
They're calling you stupid.
I don't care.
How can you not care? Because I'm not stupid.
Before you helped me, I was gonna cruise through this class.
The whole city is watching.
I have to get an "a.
" What did you plan on getting? A "c" nice and average, nothin' crazy.
And how far did that attitude get you? Hi.
Professor Ryan asked me to tutor you because you have a "c" average.
Second base.
The water cooler isn't working, is it? I'm afraid not, sir.
Maybe we should give the meat cone a shot.
People aren't having conversations because we haven't given them a conversation piece.
What did you have in mind, sir? Wrap your brain around this.
Very provocative, sir.
Pretty hard not to have an opinion about this! It's as if God exists, because there's the word "God," but then you see the question mark, and you wonder does he? How you doin', Carter? Terrible.
I couldn't sleep because some jerk wouldn't let rags out of the pound.
He shouldn't have been at the salon.
That pampered mutt doesn't need a hairstylist any more than he needed his teeth bleached or the doggy liposuction.
I can't help you.
I'm just doing my job.
Enforcing the leash laws? Ha! That's a joke! Enforcing the leash laws, a joke? Excuse me! I don't mock you when you're helping the sick or feeding the homeless! I think what Carter's trying to say is maybe you can make an exception this once.
Oh, is that what Carter's tryin' to say? You know, I think I know Carter a lot more than you do.
I'm just saying I haven't seen Carter this upset since his sister moved to London.
You have a sister?! I'm staying out of this.
She's trying to help me because she is my friend.
Well, so am I.
Yeah, well, I don't know anymore.
You just bought your dog another day in lockup! Hey, Paul What's "dog" spelled backwards? Sir, you just blew my mind.
Charlie, excellent job on your homework check-plus-plus.
How the hell did I get a check-plus-plus? I forgot to tell you extra-credit essay.
That is so like me.
Charlie, loved your essay on your summer in Spain.
Which part of Barcelona did you live in? Lower east side.
When am I gonna get my beer? It's being delivered at 9:00.
You should stop by.
We're having a mixer with theta delta zeta.
Theta delts, huh? They're pretty hot.
I'll try to make it.
Hi.
I'm Caitlin Moore.
I'm a friend of Charlie Crawford's.
How can I help you? Well, we both know Charlie's not much of an academic, and since the whole city's watching him, I was wondering if you could give him some extra help.
Extra help? He's doing extremely well.
In fact, he and Lewis are tied for top of the class.
Really? It's amazing, considering he spends half the time either sleeping or reading magazines.
Is there any way you could get him into the advanced class? Are you sure he'd want that? Definitely.
All the bad press has really been a blow to his self-esteem, and once the reporters find out that he's in the advanced class, he'll go from "el dunce-o" to "el geniusO.
" Charlie is lucky to have a good friend like you.
Isn't he? Charlie? Excuse me.
I'm here to see rags.
He's been scarin' all the other dogs.
What's he doing? Just sittin' there.
Did he get my care package? I sent him smoked salmon and brie.
Oh, yeah.
He loved it.
I'd like to take him home now.
Sorry.
I can't allow that per Mr.
bondek's instructions.
Obviously the instructions were unclear.
"Don't give rags to Carter Heywood.
" There you go.
I'm not Carter Heywood.
My name is Dexter St.
John.
"Carter Heywood is a 6'2" bald black man who sometimes uses the alias 'Dexter St.
John.
'" if you'll excuse me, I'm on my break.
How 'bout that giants game? Come on, rags.
Let's get outta here.
You may catch me, but you'll never catch rags! Run, rags! Run like the wind! Hi, Charlie.
What are you doing? Studying.
I'm still not sure what happened.
Somehow I got bumped into the advanced Spanish class.
You're welcome.
For what? After I found out how well you were doing, Mr.
humble, I convinced the teacher to put you in a higher class.
Now the press is gonna think you're brilliant! How happy are you? Okay, we're gonna have to work on your "happy" face.
Caitlin, someone else was doing my homework for me.
I can't speak a word of Spanish.
You don't belong in the advanced class.
Not only do I have to pull an all-nighter, but I'm missing a kick-ass mixer with the theta delts.
Sorry.
I was just trying to help improve your image.
Not everyone is obsessed with what people think of them.
If you're implying that I'm obsessed with what people think of me, you're wrong.
If that's the thanks I get for trying to help, I will leave you alone.
Good, because I've got one night to translate "unbearable likeness of being" into Spanish.
I am not obsessed with what people think of me! Fine.
You're not.
No.
I want an example.
Who tried to sue the New York times for printing that picture of you blinking? I am not getting into that.
Because it's true! No, because I can't comment on pending litigation.
You're right.
I am completely consumed by what people think of me.
I've always been that way.
I am hopeless! I wish I could be more like you.
You're so self-confident, so self-assured with so little reason to be that way.
That's very kind of you.
How's this I'm a little embarrassed about not graduating from college.
I don't believe you.
No, it's true.
I didn't want people to know because I was afraid they'd think less of me.
You're just saying that.
No, I'm not.
Deep down I'm not confident.
I'm insecure.
I knew it.
I am never speaking to you again.
I was locked up in that pound for three hours.
You're overreacting.
They threatened to have me fixed! Over the years, I've taken a lot from you.
The time I came home from my vacation and found you in my bed with two women, I just smiled.
That made four of us.
I applauded your creativity when you changed all my business cards from "Carter Heywood" to "Carter loves wood.
" But you know how much rags means to me.
This time you have crossed the line.
None of this would have happened if you'd paid rags more attention and spent less time on Caitlin.
What does Caitlin have to do with this? Since you two have been hanging out so much, you barely even see rags anymore.
You used to play with rags in the park.
You used to take him on long walks.
You used to treat him like he mattered.
Oh, my God.
I finally see what this is all about.
StuartYou're rags.
Get outta here.
Don't lock up your feelings the way you locked up rags.
Admit it you miss me.
Oh, take it out of "hyper-gay.
" I don miss you.
I just feel a little Bored, lonely, and wistful when you're not around.
I had no idea.
If I've been taking our friendship for granted, I'm sorry.
How about I, uh, make it up to you with a nice, home-cooked meal? Huh, huh, huh? Huh, huh, huh? If you think that you can just smooth this over with a roast chicken And some baby carrots and some of those garlic mashed potatoes you make with the skins still on, you are sadly mistaken! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go get rags.
And don't even think about making your famous cobbler! With or without whipped cream? With!! Congratulations.
You're a graduate.
Yes! Barely.
Yes! What are you gonna do now? Take the summer off Caddy a little bit hang out at the reservoir with my buds.
This is great.
Yeah, it is.
I'm glad I did this.
You may think this is just a degree, but it's gonna change the way people look at you.
They're gonna see you as a little wiser and, more importantly, a little more mature.
You're absolutely right, Caitlin.
Where are you going? The theta delta formal.
Wildcat football rules! What happened to the water cooler? It wasn't working.
Say, you hear they discovered water on Mars? They say oceans may have existed there.
Well, what do you know? Don't look now, sir, but this is water-cooler talk.
I'll be damned.
It is.
Carter, continue! If water was discovered there, some form of life may have existed.
Primordial seas may have spawned single-celled organisms.
Boring! Come on, Paul meat-cone time! You just read my mind.
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.