The L Word s05e03 Episode Script

Previously on The L Word - The famous Bev.
- Famous? Tina just told me a lot about you.
Maybe we can do this another time.
I think you have some things to figure out.
I just pissed next to the cutest boy alive.
- He's not gay.
- He's a trans man.
Oh, my god, I had no idea.
What are you doing here? What are you doing here? I believe I'm being investigated for homosexual conduct.
Allegations like this are almost impossible to disprove.
Mostly because they end up being true.
I want you to click up.
She just wants you to join a gang.
Does that mean that Dusty is in a gang? Who's Dusty? But you're not in love with me.
- I take it you don't want to file a report.
- No.
Get away from her, you cow! She's mine! Yours! Shane, tell them about us.
You wait till daddy finds out.
Daddy will not find out! Oh, my god.
Come back here! Jenni, I need your car.
Drive, woman! Drive! Drive! Drive! I had a dream about Jenny's movie last night.
- It was weird.
- What was it? Me, you and Helena? We're like Charlie's angels.
Who is Charlie? Once upon a time, there were three little lesbians who just hung out at a coffee shop.
But I changed all that.
And now they work for me.
My name is Bev.
Good morning, lesbians.
- Good morning, Bev.
- Ladies.
I have a new mission for you.
It involves going under cover.
Okay, lesbians, what do you think? Sure sounds dangerous.
Are you sure it's not gonna ruin our hair? I promise you girls.
I won't let anything happen to your hair or makeup.
- Helen? - Count me in.
- Bev - Well of course, we're in.
But are you sure these gaydar guns are really gonna work? Well, they'd better work because our target just entered the room.
Okay, lesbians, go get her.
Come on, girls.
Let's get her.
- "Beatrocker" by Mad Professor - Stay thrilled, she's still gone strong.
Oh, morning lazy asses.
Fuck off you freak.
How's it going, Shane? since 5:30 A.
M.
I gotta say it's going pretty well.
And all of this is because you sworn off sex? Yep.
And all the crap that goes along with it.
- Yeah, sister.
- Owe me.
I have declared a moratorium on one sex.
A moratorium on drama, and a moratorium on jealousy.
And a moratorium on girls throwing rocks through your windows - or burning your shit down.
- Yep.
What? Someone threw a rock through your window? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was one of the bridesmaids from the wedding.
No, I'm telling you.
I'm fucking done.
A few days ago, I've decided to take a major break from sex.
Thereby eliminating the main cause of insanity in my life.
And I gotta tell you, girls.
I have never, ever felt so freakishly clear-headed - or highly energized.
- Speaking of freakish, - look at Jenny's new assistant.
- Hi! Well, you kinda have to admire her a little bit.
It's gross.
There is something wrong with that girl.
So, Denise seems nice.
You know, mortgage brokers make a lot of money.
We didn't have anything in common.
And I know, you're gonna say I'm a snob - but I - Tina, honey, you are a snob.
I mean, come on! We love you! But you're a snob.
Alright.
We'll find someone more your style, someone like, I don't know, in the biz or No, no, no.
I don't wanna go out with someone in the movie business.
Tina.
Picky, picky, picky.
Really.
Okay, we'll find you someone in the art world, - or art-adjacent.
- That's important to you, am I right? It is.
You know what we should do? We should go on OurChart looking at some members' profiles.
Tina, don't look at me like that! I'm trying to help you.
Jesus Christ! Oh my god! I think I'm gonna vomit.
Damnit! He's so fucking cute! You see that guy over there? Jodi's interpretor? He hit on me the other day in the mensroom.
- He's handsome.
- So? Are you attracted to him? No, of course not.
It wouldn't be such an outlandish thing.
- The last trans guy I dated - Look, I'm not into men.
The last trans guy I dated wasn't into men at all before he transitioned.
She was a gold-star butch lesbian.
I'm not a gold star, either.
Julie was.
Until she became Jake.
Jake turned out to be a gay man.
I heard this theory that what's genetically encoded in us isn't attraction to men or attraction to women, but it's same-sex attraction.
There you go.
Adele, do away with these sweaty things.
Thanks.
Wow, you have great abs.
Can I? No, no, don't, don't, don't, just don't touch me today, please.
- She's not gonna make it.
- I don't think she's gonna make it.
Where did I put my keys? In your bag.
Hey look, the Pink Ride.
Oh, I'm doing it.
- I'm training for it.
- You are? - Yes.
- Maybe we should all do it.
- You do what? - It's called the Subaru Pink Ride and it's for breast cancer research.
I'm gonna do it.
I think it'll be great.
We should get a little team together.
- We could be Team Dana.
- I love it.
- I love that.
Team Dana - Right? Yeah, and we can get Kit and Bette to do it with us.
- We should ask Jodi as well.
- And Jodi.
- Yeah, but Jodi didn't know Dana.
- Yeah, but, she has breasts, right? Good point.
You guys, you have to train for this.
It's so hard.
If you don't you're not gonna finish it.
What don't we get Tasha to train us? 'Cause, I mean, she knows how to train.
Obviously.
I thought you said Tasha was going to Iraq.
I thought you said her unit was delayed.
Yeah, no.
They're just delayed.
I guess her equipment didn't come in or something.
I don't know.
It must happen all the time.
Ready? Let's go.
- "Games" by Carla Thomas - Thank you, ladies.
Nice doing business with you.
Everybody's paid up.
Feeling good? Very good.
- "Between You And Me" by Shirley Brown - See you later.
I think I might have to bag on Big Bear this weekend.
- Oh, no, you don't.
- I'm really sorry.
I know it's fucked up.
I have a reception for David Hockney at the Hammer on saturday.
- So?! - Uh, so, several of my major donors are gonna be there.
What? We've been doing this for 11 years, and this was the first time I was ever gonna bring anyone.
Really? Fuck David Hockney.
I gotta run.
You, you watch yourself.
Don't get too personal.
Oh please, me? What? I'm so excited we're dealing this thing.
Thank you so much.
What "Fuck David Hockney"? She was trying to get out of going to Big Bear this weekend to meet a bunch of my old friends.
- Really? - And you didn't let her get away with it? - Good for you.
- She made a commitment.
Hey, Alice, we're gonna set up over here.
Shane and I just wanna show you a couple of profiles of girls that we think you should date.
Tina! There's nothing wrong with meeting someone on the internet.
- Nothing.
Come on! - It's weird.
It's weird.
T.
, you've gotta look at it this way.
It's less random than a blind date, and you can find all about the girl before you waste your time having lunch with her.
It's a really good point.
Hey, the hair.
Start the hair.
That makes total sense, Jodi said.
Do you mind if I join you? Oh my god! Get over here.
Okay.
So, I'll first limit it to the, you know, people that live in L.
A.
, and then I will add potential art people.
How can we the picture? Oh, by the way, somebody answers a question on their profile.
Like, favorite book, "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
It's good, promising.
Nancy Drew, not so much.
- I love Nancy Drew.
- Me too! Really? OK.
All right, Nancy Drew.
I mean, she is a lesbian icon.
That's a pretty slick-looking camera you've got there.
Yeah, it's a Panasonic TVX100.
It's amazing, actually.
You're gonna hook it up to the computer? We're recording of a fireware.
Yeah.
It makes it possible for us to record on to the computer's hard drive at the same time as we're recording on to the video camera.
I don't have the fucking slightest idea what you're talking about, but sounds awesome.
How are you going to do her hair? I don't know yet.
Maybe something a little classy or sassy.
I don't know.
Maybe do you? Oh! Go back, go back! Her! What about her? She's good.
No, keep browsing.
What? Why? She's totally cute.
Yeah, I know she's cute.
But she's a little crazy in bed, if you know what I mean.
How do you know? - Next.
- Roll.
Come! I just got this from my C.
O.
It's a chapter 15 discharge.
I know.
The command is recommending a discharge from the United States army reserve for homosexual conduct.
I know you didn't want my case.
Oh, I've been detailed.
Your case is right here.
So now, I don't have a choice.
Unless you decide to hire a civilian attorney.
I would like for you to represent me.
Can we go over grounds for separation? First allegation: On march 2007, you were seen at the with a group of women who are openly lesbian.
One of the women had her arm around your shoulder.
Second allegation: on march 2007, you were again seen just outside the base with the same woman having what appeared to be - a lovers' quarrel.
- That's presumption.
Even if I had been seen, Brown made that charge and I personnaly know he has a grudge against me.
Well, the first allegation was made by a primary accuser.
Her name is not list in this document.
But the second incident was backed up by your commanding officer, Major Kevin Dickson, who's also witness to the event.
Go on.
There's an other allegation.
Let just hear that you showed a female soldier in your unit, Anita Martinez, preferential treatment for job reclass vacation because you were romantically involved with her.
- That's total bullshit.
- Please, don't use language, - would you mind, Officer Williams? - It's a flat out lie.
Well, these are the allegations.
And they didn't come out of the blue.
There are some solid evidence you're backing them up.
And if it's not true, then it's on you to prove it.
And like it or not, that's the way this thing works.
- "It Ain't Always What You Do" by The Soul Children - So, form expression.
I didn't know how to ask this delicately, but I'm dying.
Delicately? What? I thought we were talking about sex.
Yeah.
But, I wanna know Well, some people like delicate sex.
Not me.
There's nothing worse than - tentative, timid lesbian sex.
- Right.
I would never be in one of those lesbian-bed-death relationships, where you just cuddle and, you know, say good night and go to sleep.
I have a teddy bear if I want to do that.
- Yes! - Uh, I was watching.
Was that lesbian? Is that lesbian? Lesbian? Oh, lesbian.
That? That is not sexy.
That's not sexy.
That? - Is that more sexy? - That is better.
- Alright.
- Much sexier.
How do you say cunnilungus? I made one up.
Is that cunninlingus? - I would be good.
- Pretty good.
Pretty close.
Well, my guess is just say "Lick my pussy".
You could say that, couldn't you? I'll remember that.
No, you sworn off sex, remember? Yeah, yes, yes, I did, I did, I did.
I have a question.
How do you say fuck? - Fuck you know, fuck you, obviously.
- Oh, not fuck.
Fuck, you know.
This is, you know, to actually fuck, you do that if you wanna say "Fuck me, baby".
Who says that to who? Bette says that to you, or you say that to Bette? Bette said "Don't get too personal".
Oh, Bette.
Boring, boring Bette.
I'll cut it out.
We'll cut it out.
Last night, she said it to me.
Okay, alright.
La, la, la, la.
I don't wanna hear what you and my sister have been doing.
I don't mind.
No! Private Jack Brown's wife just had a baby.
And he wanted to be reclassified MOS42A so he could be home with them.
But Brown's lazy soldier.
He had a sub-standard score in aptitude area CL and he's not qualified to be a human resources specialist.
Specialist Martinez had two commendations scored in the top and it's discipline and hard working.
And I never touched her.
Except to comfort her over being upset about having to leave her little boy after we learnt that her unit was getting redeployed.
When you comforted her, did you hug her? Is that grounds for separation? Probably wouldn't be if you hadn't been seen holding hands with some girl at the racetrack.
I wanna stay in the service.
Should have thought of that before you decided to be a lesbian.
You know what? I'm gonna take that back.
I'm gonna assume you are not a lesbian because that's exactly what we're gonna have to prove if you wanna win this thing.
Let me clearify to you, Beech.
I never decided to become a lesbian.
But I decided to join the service.
I graduated second in my ROTC class, I have a bronze star with V for valor for saving the lives of three american and two iraqi soldiers after an IED attack in Tal Afar.
I watched my staff sergeant, Robert Ganz, get his stomach blown open after a mortar attack and held him in my arms as he died.
Which, by the way, was not a romantic embrace either.
I believe in american democraty and I'm willing to risk my life for my country.
Do you really think I don't belong in this army? Alright.
Here's what I'm open for, Williams.
I'm open that girl in the parking lot turns out to be your first cousin.
And that the two of you were having a heated argument about whether to put your old grandma on a nursing home.
That's what happened here, right? - Oh, look at that.
She's from Slovakia.
- down a bit.
Hey, Alice, can I talk to you for a second? Oh no.
Not right now.
Sorry.
I made a podcast.
What do you mean you made a podcast? Yeah, I was hoping you could take a look at it.
- You know, see if we could - And I've got to get this.
Hey! How did it go? Stop working.
Sorry.
So do you want to know more about who's gonna be there? Yeah.
I know there is Frank.
And - what's his wife's name? - Sammy.
Oh, and what about, um - Michelangelo.
- Michelangelo.
Oh, god! How could I forget that? So, tell me about him.
Stop! But he's Oh! He's a curator! Don't make me out to be such a snob.
- Oh, you're a snob.
- No, I'm not.
Oh, yeah.
I'm nervous.
Oh god! Both hands.
So what happened? Fuck! God! They're fuckers! Beech got detailed to be my defense.
The homophobic prick? Yeah, he doesn't want it.
He has to take it.
He has no choice.
I don't see my name here.
Believe me, Alice.
They know who you are.
Right.
They're the military.
Well, they don't know who they're dealing with.
- Alice - I mean That last one is false by the way.
The one about Martinez.
Yeah, I know that.
You know what? We'll fight it.
I mean, we're not gotta back down to that.
What do we have to do to win this thing? I have to lie.
Isn't that against your military code of honor? What do I have to do? Do you need me to disappear for a while? Do you need me to leave you alone? That's not what I want.
Because I can do that.
I know it's late in the game, but I can do that.
I can be really on the D.
L.
, you know? Like, just be really discreet, like a nonexistent girlfriend.
I want you to know I can do that.
Sorry, we shouldn't have stopped to eat.
So, there's Huahine, Haiatea, Bora-Bora and Wapiti.
So silent islands.
Tahaha.
Flower shaped islands and smell all vanilla.
And you have a place there? A tiny little piece of paradise.
It belonged to my grandfather.
- If I ever get out of here - You will.
You'll get out.
Peabody, you've got a visitor.
It's ten o'clock at night.
I guess somebody's pulled some strings.
You've got friends in high places.
Be right back.
Yeah, right.
Take this.
Woo.
Let me eat your pussy.
Were I receptive to such a proposition, it would first require a full booty check.
And were you to pass muster, baby, I'd give it to you family style.
Don't worry, darling.
Mummy's here.
Where the hell have you been? I've been on a treasure hunt.
It was mad.
I mean, we ended up exhausted on some little greek island.
I know, I never go on these things, but in this case, the winner got to walk away with this magnificent fragment of a praxitelis foot quite genuine, I'm sure.
So breathtakingly beautiful.
So priceless.
So illegal.
- Sort of like you, darling.
- Mummy, I don't have much time for this.
Really? Seems to me you've got great gobs of time, Helena.
Yes, let's not bother with the small talk.
Shall we just finally say that you've learnt your lesson? I've learnt a phenomenal amount, mummy.
I've learnt that I could look after myself.
- And that I don't - That's wonderful, sweetheart.
Now, Will is on his way to post your bail.
Charming.
And he's been change of clothing.
- You haven't lost much weight, have you? - I'm fine.
Actually, mummy, what I don't want is Now we're looking into is getting your record expunged.
That would cost a pretty penny.
- But I think it's time to - No.
Mummy, I don't want that.
No? No, Mummy? I don't want what? What? Would you try to speak like a semi-literate person, please, Helena? I know that you've been keeping rather sordid company lately, but I've been keeping very fine company, Mummy, and what I don't want is for you to come swanning in here, throwing your money about.
I know I made a mistake.
I'm quite happy to finish my time - and pay my debt to society.
- Helena, Helena, pull yourself together.
For God's sake, you're a Peabody.
- What difference does that make? - Peabodys don't have debts, darling.
Not to anyone.
And certainly not to society.
Thank you.
! - Robby, where is the jam? - In the fridge, babe.
Behind all the beer.
Okay, everyone.
It's our favorite tradition.
Morning mojitos.
Bring it on! Finally! The artist has arrived! Everyone, - this is - The beautiful Bette! - Nice to meet you.
- It's so nice to meet you.
It's a morning mojito.
It's a Big Bear tradition.
You have to drink.
You know what? It's a little bit early for me.
But thanks.
Come on, Bette.
Don't be such a wuss.
It's good to put a face to those grunts and groans.
Last night you girls got in late, but uh I guess you weren't too tired, huh? - It sounded good.
- Oh, fuck! Did everyone hear us? I left something in the room.
I'll be right back.
Is she alright? It's ridiculous.
She'll be fine, right? To us.
- Cheers! - Cheers! So last night, I finally fulled that insurance paper to claim for the fire.
I'm telling you.
It's been sitting on my desk for three weeks, untouched.
Last night I do it and start to finish.
- Good for you, Shane.
It's good.
- And then I went in my closet.
Got rid of all my old Converse and all those low-ass jeans the you always see me in? I start - prioritizing my life.
- What do you mean? You know, like setting goals to myself.
Like Like I wanna see Shay every three weeks.
And I wanna quit smocking, for sure.
I'm telling you, Tina, this celibacy thing is like a master cleanse to my body.
- Ya gotta try it.
- You know, Shane, I've gone long periods without sex.
It doesn't have the same salubrious effect on me.
Salubrious? Yeah, salubrious.
I like it.
Salubrious.
And the other thing I've been doing? Trying to expend my vocabulary.
Now, I go on to the dictionnary and try to memorize ten words a day.
It actually works.
So, anyway.
What are you gonna wear on your date? I don't know.
What do you wear on a date with a heart doctor? - "Krazyfaze" by Ping Pong Bitches - Cover up! Oh, I can't! Cover up! Bette! Bette! Come on, we need a wide receiver.
Come on! No, thank you.
Come on! Michelangelo built the Sixtine Chapel, you know.
Actually, I think he just painted the ceiling.
The house we call it the Sixtine Chapel.
Built it with his bare hands.
Put the log cabin in Wyoming.
That's where he spends most of the year.
You're in violation, by the way.
We don't allow work here, at the Sixtine Chapel.
Well, I guess I'll just have to get an infraction, or whatever the punishment is.
Bette? Alright.
Bette, we need to recruit you under our team.
- I don't really wanna play.
- Yeah.
It's the lake or the game.
- Uh, I'd like to stay here, thank you.
- Don't make me do it.
- The lake or the game.
- Really, the book.
Come on! Oh god! Hey, you asshole! How is it going? I don't know how people do this.
- Hey, Jenny.
- Shhh! She's meditating.
The podcast.
I haven't showed it to Alice yet.
But I'd just really like your opinion.
I can't.
I have to go to a screening.
You said you'd look at it.
But I'm late.
So, I'm gonna go.
But I'm sure it's gonna be good.
Bye.
Sorry! I gotta go that way.
Sorry.
I just forgot my keys! Fuck! I can't do this.
I can't.
What are you doing? I made this podcast.
I haven't showed it to Alice yet.
And I just really I don't know.
I'm just looking for somebody's opinion.
Well, I can tell you.
Tell you what.
I'm gonna read it.
Really? You want my opinion? - Sure.
- Oh great.
I have since five.
I haven't or bull shit.
So what do I do? You uh - Play? - Yeah, right there.
Hey, Bette, why don't you start the roux? I don't have the faintest idea how to make a roux.
Have a glass of wine.
And we'll set the table.
So, uh, Bette, what are you doing to help restore some equinimity in this fucking ridiculous overpriced art market? - What am I doing? - Well, you're a big mover in the shaker, aren't you? You can be doing something.
Actually I'm the dean of university art department.
Okay, but you're a big collector, right? So Let me tell you about the show that occurated last month at the Jacksonhall art center.
I mean, 'cause they were at least ten paintings that would every be as good as the Eric Fischl that you have in your collection.
What makes you so sure she's got an Eric Fischy? It's Fischl.
Eric Fischl? And I bet that she has one.
I doubt there were ten paintings in a local art show that were even comparable to my Fischl.
Be nice! I am, I am, I am! How can you doubt it? It just seems really unlikely that there are ten truely great paintings - in a community show.
- When was the last time that you've looked at art outside of New York or L.
A.
? You know, you're right.
I haven't seen a community art show in a really long time.
And I would love to see some of the pieces that you're so excited about.
Really? Awesome! I brought some pictures and uh, I could bring them down, say after dinner? That would be great.
You rock my world.
She's the best.
I didn't know that you were a collector.
It didn't say that on your profile.
I just started a couple of years ago.
I'm sure it doesn't compare to your ex's collection.
No, no, it's They're beautiful.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have talked about my ex - so much at dinner.
- It's fine.
It's fine.
It was a big relationship for you.
It's normal to talk about it.
Would you like a glass of wine? Yeah, yeah.
We'll pick that money.
- "11:32 PM" by Gina Catalino - You have really great tits.
Wow! Augmented.
You went for it.
You like them? Spread your legs open.
Do you like it when I talk dirty? Yeah.
We need to go.
I'm sorry, but, my sister was robbed and got pointed last night.
Is she okay? She's freaked, but I, I just I really wanna get back before she starts drinking.
Oh, the girl had a fucking gun pointed at her.
Let her have a drink.
Uh, my sister is an alcoholic, so that would probably be the worst thing I could do.
I packed your suitcase.
So, we're ready to go.
If you wanna stay, I'll drive you back.
That's fine.
If that's what you wanna do.
No, of course not.
I'll go home with you.
You were just making that up back there, weren't you? 'Cause you're just having such a lousy time.
Oh, yeah, I just made up that my sister got robbed at gunpoint to get out of bowling? Why would I ever want to give up the opportunity to wear smelly used shoes, drink warm domestic beer and kick your ass? Wait 'til next year.
Nice to meet you.
They took my whole week.
Oh, sweetie, don't worry about the money.
I'm just so glad they didn't hurt you.
I'm just gonna be in the next room if you need anything.
And now, you go to sleep.
She'll be okay.
They're taking my whole fucking life away from me.
Hey, Kit.
Are you alright? I'm really sorry about what happened.
Oh, no, thanks.
It's alright.
I just I should just get busy.
She's free! - Hi! - Welcome back.
Thank you.
Thanks.
I'm so glad you all came.
I just wanna say, you know, good bye - before I leave.
- Where are you going? Wait, wait, wait.
Isn't there gonna be a trial? Actually, our family doesn't go on trial.
We generally go to Europe.
Are you leaving the country before the trial? We've got Brandon Addict.
He's the best criminal attorney in California.
He's gonna get this record expunged.
Until then, we will be recovering from our ignominy in the country with a very healthy non-extradiction treaty.
I can't believe you're leaving.
Well, I only wish I could say it was because I thought Helena had learnt her lesson.
- But I can assure you that - What does she mean by that? any future rehabilitation of Helena's character will be imposed under a more rigorous program than the Los Angeles lesbian lifestyle can provide.
At least Paris, when she was in the clink, didn't get involved with some big butch prison daddy dyke.
- "Long As You Love Me" by Shirley Brown - Our flight's in an hour.
Can I have an adult beverage? I thought this was supposed to be a party.
What about some gin and Angostura Bitter? Yeah, it comes.
I'm going to the loo.
Where are you going? I can't.
Are we ever gonna see you again? I don't know.
I hope so.
I'm gonna miss you.
Thanks.
You've been a really good friend.
- How are you holding up? - Not good.
- Can I? - Yeah, of course.
I'm leaving, Shane.
- I know.
Your mum told us.
- No.
Not with her.
Can you cover for me? Say I am in the bathroom or something? Yeah, I can.
I can cover for you.
But what are you talking about? I uh I hid the money.
I'm gonna get my friend out of prison and we're gonna go somewhere.
- "Explode" by Uh Huh Her - Oh my god! You keep it.
- I'm - Don't tell anyone.
No, no, no.
I'm not gonna.
I just swear to you.
I won't gonna say anything.
You have balls.
Wow! Come here, come here.
I didn't mean that - I - That I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry.
I'm Listen, Helena, listen, Helena, listen very quickly.
I wanna cleanse and, and I hate it.
- And I just end - It's alright.
fucking really embarrassed.
Helena, I'm sorry.
- It's I've got to go though.
So - I understand.
I understand.
Go, go, go.
- Alright? - I'm sorry.
Take care of yourself.