The Magicians (2016) s05e03 Episode Script

Previously on "The Magicians" I will save the people of Fillory.
The people would decide to make this dark wizard their king, the Dark King.
So you built a golem out of living clay, and then you animated the whole thing with his essence? No, it's just a tiny grain of Q's soul that I pulled from the Underworld.
Put back the piece of Q's essence that you stole and let him be at rest.
Good-bye, Quentin.
Some surges come and go and hardly anyone notices.
And sometimes it's a catastrophe.
Is there any way to predict them? Look, I need help with a metamath problem.
My dad had a friend with a really rare discipline, predicting circumstances.
- - She wrote this.
Wait.
I recognize these.
Put 'em on a letter, address it to whoever, wherever, whenever, and it gets to them.
Because I want you to be safe.
I want you to be safe.
- Are you saying that you - No, I'm just we've tried the whole "saving each other" thing with mixed results.
Yeah.
Sure, but I And I've been thinking about what works best, and I think no, I know that we're best when we're a team and we work together, you and me.
If nothing else, I like the sound of it.
Quentin? Quentin! Oh, shit.
Whoo, yeah! There she is! - Champagne for our girl! - Whoo! High King Margo, a thousand huzzahs! - Go, Bambi.
- Um, why? We wanted to honor you, so when Julia sent us the bunny saying that they put the clock in here, we asked them to stock up on celebratory beverages.
Stay on mission.
We're going back.
Copy.
Give me 30.
We'll have cookies to help brainstorm how you're gonna overthrow the Dark King.
Well, your subjects are rightly grateful.
For sending that letter? A.
K.
A.
that thing I totally didn't do.
You did.
Why split a hair? Let them bake cookies.
- Lie cookies? - It's not a lie.
You saved them through me, your advisor, acting on your behalf.
Nice retcon.
Then as a wise king once said, ovary up.
Let your subjects be inspired by a simple, uncomplicated story.
That's what the people want.
Would you excuse me? Where are you going, and why are you dressed like a goth survivalist? Fillory, just quick.
- What you got there? - Nothing.
I did a thing.
This is a byproduct.
I just have to take care of it.
Alice, do you need help? You seem a little bit distressed.
I'm fine.
I just have to do it alone.
Okay, great.
What was the spell? I made a golem, okay? You've done it before.
It's not a big deal.
A golem of who? Can we can we not be dramatic about this? I used his book from the Library.
- Quentin's? - But I was out of my mind, and I didn't think that this would just stay here when I buried the golem and not be released.
It's Essence.
It's a tiny piece of his soul.
I'm sorry, you pulled an actual piece of Quentin's soul out of his that is insane.
- What if it's - Keeping him from resting? - Well, is it? - I just need to get to the top of this mountain and throw it in.
The Mountain of Ghosts that Rupert Chatwin was looking for before the band of aggressive talking squirrels kidnapped him? I'm finally reading the books.
Margo has been on my ass about it.
Anyway, is that it? The one with the hole at the top that goes All the way down to the Underworld? - Yes.
- Well, this is too important.
- I'm helping.
- I don't need your help.
Well, you're getting it.
Fine.
Head hurt from the patch? Uh, it beats the noise.
Burning through them, though, so looking for some real answers.
None of these books is for shit.
Requested some from the Library but not getting the sense they're gonna be that speedy.
So, while you're waiting God, that always a great idea, but I really do have a headache.
No, I need a ride.
Fine.
I've been thinking, we should tell her.
Look, can we just concentrate one thing at a time, please? Let's just get her back on the throne, huh? Yeah, well, with those banishment brands, good luck getting her in the kingdom, never mind the castle.
Oh, shit.
What month is it in Fillory? Is it spring yet? Yellow Ferret Month, yes.
Have you ever seen the movie "The Dirty Dozen"? Not the porn one.
No, and I have a life, so summarize.
Uh, not important.
Point is, it inspired me to do this thing when the Taker attacks were just starting.
We needed better guards, so I created an annual tournament.
First week of the month of the Yellow Ferret to find the 12 greatest fighters in the land to become our elite Centurion Guard.
- Pretty cool name, right? - Yeah.
Anyway, we offered fame, glory, and instant wipe-clean of your criminal record, including uh-huh banishment marks.
And if they still hold the tournament, it would be going on now, as we speak.
We should check on that, no? It's Living Stone, I think.
Huh.
"Beware Takers.
" "Beyond The Wall Adventure Tours, 500 feet that way.
" Fill 'em.
Rocks, lots of dust.
That'll be heavy.
Burns Takers.
They come at night.
We'll make a circle to camp in.
Or, hey, travel light if you want to die.
So Takers.
What exactly are they? You really don't know? No.
Umber's tit.
Don't tell me you're grievers.
What's wrong with that? You're not prepared for the mountain.
You can't run fast because you've been sitting around eating cake and crying.
Okay, I can grieve and handle a little cardio, thank you very much.
Yeah, we're Magicians.
We'll be fine.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
You're planning to throw something in at the top, keep it safe.
Takers don't just take people.
They know what thing you value and swipe it.
Alice.
This zips.
It's the safest thing we've got.
Alice, please let me take it.
Okay.
Well, this stopped being fun.
Yeah, well, you wanted to come.
Sure did.
And it's awful.
Yeah, well, it's meant to be.
But maybe you don't feel that way because it's not your pilgrimage.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
Can we please not bicker? Sure.
Let's not bicker.
What did you mean by not my pilgrimage? I mean I'm here putting my boyfriend to rest, and you tagged along.
Right.
Because I barely knew him.
You know what I mean.
You're here out of some sort of combination of thinking I'm incompetent and your guilt - that he died saving you.
- You know what? You are way too smart for me to ascribe what just you said to total stupidity, so I'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna file it under you must be fucking joking right now.
No, I'm not! This is hard enough without you judging me every step of the way.
Is that how you don't bicker? 'Cause that would explain a lot about how you and Q kept falling apart, beyond the obvious, of course.
- The obvious? - Yeah.
What, like drunk threesomes with you and Margo? Oh, hmm, solid point, but I was thinking more that one time where you betrayed all of us, I ended up possessed, and Q died cleaning up the mess.
And time for Yan to roll a smoke.
That was a little harsh.
And correct.
But not right because you also saved my life.
Right.
Trying to fix the mess I made.
Here we are again.
So let's just finish this, okay? Yan, let's go.
Finished with your feelings? Yes.
Uh Alice, no.
Don't go that way.
Good luck, and enjoy the tournament.
Hello.
I am Bick of the esteemed House Pickwick.
- Who is entering? - Me.
Your name? - Janet.
- Janet.
Pluchinsky.
Weapon of choice? Me.
But also, I like axes.
Ah.
You are registered.
Proceed I'm entering too.
I just want to.
My name's Fen cicle.
Wahl burger.
- Weapon of choice? - Knives.
I choose to use my Childsplay knives, the kind of knives they give to very young children.
Wow.
You had some kind of childhood.
Hmm.
Okay, so I found you this.
Fuck my life.
Or I can get you something else.
I just tried to do Singh's Advanced Skin Hardening twice, and touch me.
Smooth and perfect, and I'm getting eaten alive by whimsical goddamn Fillorian bugs.
Huh.
Um, you know what? You just keep practicing that shield casting, and I'm, uh, gonna go check on something real quick.
Do we even have an appointment? What do you think? What the hell just happened? Where are we? Um, excuse me.
Is this PK Endeavors? - I have an appointment.
- These two look confused.
Hi.
Zoe Markus.
I run the joint.
Julia Wicker.
We e-mailed.
Hey, why does this place look exactly like the Physical Kids' cottage? You went to Brakebills? I'm a professor at Brakebills.
Really? Brakebills.
Best years of my life.
Hence I did a study.
Most Magicians cast 23% more accurately when they've been drinking.
God, we're fucked.
So what can I help you with? Stocks, you said? I did say that.
Uh, we were hoping to talk to your sister Daniella.
How come? Well, um, to start, you know how magic was regulated? Until it wasn't, thank God.
Well, we stopped that, and a lot worse.
A friend of ours did, but there were side effects.
Like the surges, which are Getting stronger.
We're concerned we're heading towards a major event.
And you need Daniella to predict when it's going to happen.
We'll pay what we can.
Zoe, you and your sister would be helping to save the world.
- I'd love to help - Great.
But unfortunately, I must decline.
Please, stay as long as you like.
Wait.
Shit.
- Shit.
- It's okay.
We'll figure something out.
Come on.
Okay, so I got some kinda bad news.
Fillory has two moons, and if either is full, then wolf time.
So one of them's full soon? Both are tomorrow night, which is why your wolf PMS is acting so bad right now.
I'm about to be a double werewolf? It's okay because there are still cages.
I checked, so it's totally fine.
- It's not fine.
- You're doing great.
No, the skin-hardening spell I keep trying to cast so I don't get flayed alive only stuck to the left half of my body, and also I want to murder everything.
Oh, uh, more than usual? Yes, in fact.
Well, maybe just some deep breaths, - and you know, you got this, so - Fuck breathing.
I'm too annoyed to breathe.
Mm.
But I like you anyway.
Thanks for the cheerleading, wolf boy.
Uh, of course.
That's fine.
The air's so thin up here, I think I'm hallucinating.
We're gonna need to rest before we go again.
I just wanna pin the circle in place.
Eliot.
Hey, Eliot.
Okay, just Okay.
Eliot, Taker! Back up! Q's vial, you set it down.
Fuck! Just stay in the circle.
Eliot, no! Fuck.
You all right? Uh I'm really glad I took the north trail.
Pretty sure I'm gladder.
Who needs a drink? Sorry, are you still Oh, yeah, no.
We're just about done here.
Hold on.
Any luck? Yeah, Zoe definitely went here in the '90s, but her professors don't seem to remember her.
She did a lot of field work in Poland, I guess.
Zoe Markus? Yeah, do you know her? Well, she was my lab partner.
Oh, my God, we dropped so much acid together.
We went to visit her work.
She's a big financial advisor.
Seriously? Wow.
I mean, she was really not into money at all when I knew her and her sisters.
Sisters? More than one? Yeah.
Beth, Zoe, and Dani who no offense is a little weird.
Rumor has it that they averted apocalypse in senior year.
They're good.
Janet of House Pluchinsky, versus Faun of House Kaiko Swordmasters.
Whoo! Fencicle of House Wahlburger.
What? Whoa! God.
Goddamn! We've been wasting her, right? This is, like, spy movie perfect.
You're both in the dirty dozen, and I'm the guy on the outside.
Victors, please approach the dais.
Congratulations.
Fencicle, what is your persuasion? I mostly date humans.
Are you a female? And you, Janet? Duh.
There can, of course, only be one female Centurion.
And act three twist.
For all the obvious reasons.
Um, not obvious to me.
I know, dear.
That's one of the reasons.
You spar by the light of the glorious double full moon tomorrow night.
- Tomorrow night? - That's no good.
- I've got plans.
- Me too.
I mean Oh, gravest apologies, but the schedule Chucklebuddy, I have a sexually transmitted curse.
Sun goes down tomorrow, I go wolf.
- This guy goes wolf.
- Hi.
Ember's balls.
And her, too, for some reason.
That what you want here? Sure to be entertaining.
Probably be everyone in here's last show.
- Reschedule the mimes.
- Yes, sir.
Your match will occur in the hour before sundown tomorrow.
Margo, Josh and I only six or seven or it was less than a dozen times, give or take, and we would have never, ever done it - if we had known - Excuse me.
I need to sharpen my axe.
Well, please say something nice at my funeral.
So, Loria.
I was making ends meet selling rare objects.
Of course, when I got there, I mostly drank.
I think this story's making me sound much less mentally well-composed than I actually am.
We are literally camping on the Saddlehorn.
Anyway, I was at the border when I saw my first Taker.
That thing you did I tried to throw something at one earlier, and nothing.
Well, most things don't work.
Well, the Dark King can fend them off.
There are a few of us out here who figured out ways.
How? When it touched me, it it felt like a virus, a plague.
I shot something off on instinct, an anti-viral.
You're a Magician from Earth? My family is.
Well, do you think you can show us what you did? I I will teach you whatever I can.
And something else I can share Lucky that the Taker didn't snatch it.
Thank you.
Is that Lorian Bumble Wine? Uh-huh.
Cures altitude sickness, opens the lungs, and gets you smashed.
Wait, I was gonna I was gonna say, you should go easy on that.
Oh, my God.
It's too late now.
I'm sorry.
- Well, cheers to that.
- Mm.
Mm.
- You're a danger tourist? - No.
Mourning someone.
Who was it? I mean, if you want to say.
Well The love of my life.
Died ridiculously young, but he was a Magician, and there's nothing more dangerous than that.
My dreams were so filled with him, I was convinced he was haunting me.
So I took his diary up to the top of the mountain and threw it in.
I felt a little better, so who knows? - But you're here again.
- I come every year.
To honor him.
My boyfriend died.
Well, my on and off again it was it's complicated.
I don't like talking about it.
I understand.
You knew him too? Um good friend.
It's nice that you can do this together.
Yes, cheers to that too.
Well, I think I should start thinking about going to lie down so my eggs are scrambled.
They sure are.
Hi, Daniella? Awkward.
Um, we didn't mean to scare you.
We just wanted to talk to you and your sister about What the hell are you doing? I told you we can't help you.
- You can, but you won't.
- Hey, look.
We're not asking you to join the fight.
- We just need your help in the - It's not just.
You think she'll stop if she knows the stakes? - Tell me about the problem.
- Don't! Unless you wanna explain how obsessed you get, how you nearly got yourself killed, how Beth did get killed.
- Look, we're sorry.
- I'm not.
Look, I get that you've lost a lot, but so have we.
We need your help.
I'm just saying We already saved the world, okay? We get to be done.
Now get out.
Don't come back.
There is nothing like two grieving lunatics drinking themselves to death on a mountain of ghosts.
Cheers.
Mm.
Oh, it's a good sky tonight.
Please.
I used to do this with him.
We'd go somewhere, camp out, and use illusion magic to change the color of the stars.
Sounds perfect.
Have you ever had love? Love? Uh, like Love.
It's okay.
You can say anything.
I'm a stranger and you're drunk.
The friend we're putting to rest.
Wasn't just a friend.
- Does she know? - Oh, God, no.
A torrid secret affair.
Nothing like that.
Hmm.
It seems a bit selfish, then.
I'm just saying that seems rather important information that he can't give her.
I mean, why punish her like that? Why spare her? You don't seem close.
Because she really, really loved him.
So did you.
Yeah.
So I don't her want to think Have you ever noticed that people generally think what the hell they want? I'm starting to think that you're a little bit of a shit-stirrer.
I just fundamentally believe that the best way to honor someone is with the truth of them.
You could give her more of that truth, but you won't.
I just want everybody to remember Quentin however they want to and to to get through the fucking day.
I'm just pointing out, what you've got in that secret pocket could help her remember the real Quentin.
Death is so simple, and life is so complicated.
I know.
Well I should go to bed.
Before things get any more complicated.
Years ago, the Dark King, in a show of progressiveness, allowed that there might be a female among his Centurions if one proved worthy.
This year we have two competitors of the weaker sex.
I know, I know.
Or you could walk away.
Can't.
This is for Fillory.
You're a little wolf crazy right now, and mad.
You might actually kill her.
I know how to properly lightly maim someone.
Thanks for your concern.
Janet Fencicle, let the battle commence! You smell anxious.
And you smell angry, so please let me stab you.
- You are out of your mind.
- Margo, please.
Actually worked.
That's no fair, 'cause you can do magic.
You can do that twirly knife shit.
You have an axe.
Fine.
No magic.
Magic.
Oops.
We have a victor a victorette.
Your new lady Centurion.
I'm so sorry, Fen.
That was so well played! How you knew to grab my knife.
Did I know that? Of course you did.
Childsplay knife.
Perfectly safe.
We make them for children so they can practice.
Sir, can you please bring us to the werewolf cages? Quickly? Thanks.
I think I'll take the east view.
I'll find you later if you want to hike down together.
I'll just give you a moment.
No, stay.
You cared about him too.
Do you think it goes all the way down to the Underworld? I hope so, for Q.
Is there anything you want to say to him? Rest.
Okay, I think we can go now.
Wait, there's one more thing.
Uh Wait, this stamp is enchanted.
- You could send this to him.
- Mm-hmm.
Before oh, my God, Eliot.
You didn't send it 'cause you were worried it could be So much worse if I changed it.
- Alice - Huh? Is there a way that we could really, truly know? Eliot, I really don't know.
S sometimes I just wish if you all just went faster, if you just Just locked the fucking door.
No, because Everett would still Right, Everett.
Of course.
Q If Q hadn't stopped Everett, then So many more people could die.
But I just keep thinking if if I can just crack the code then then we can fix it.
I don't think there's a perfect code for changing the past.
I can't send it, but I I can't just let go.
It's okay.
He was your friend.
He wasn't just my friend.
I'm sorry.
He loved you.
I why would I want to take that away from you now? That would be so cruel.
You really think I didn't know there was more? I knew Q really well.
And if anyone was messy, it was him.
Yeah.
He was pretty in love with you.
I'm not sure that I'd say that.
I would.
What was I supposed to do, huh? Demand that he only love me? Scream at him to be a less complicated person? I mean, it's Quentin we're talking about.
And I loved him.
The real him, all of him.
Well, um, there's something he probably didn't tell you about.
The mosaic.
Um, there was this timeline.
We somehow remembered pieces of it, but these, uh these beautiful pieces, and it was We loved each other for a really, really long time, and, um, so, you know, uh, I promptly told him to fuck off, and and, you know, he he he died for me.
Eliot.
Eliot, I have done A lot of bad things, and I have hurt people, okay? And the one thing that I hold onto is that I know, deep down, that I was doing my best.
Were you doing the best that you could? Unfortunately at the time Yes.
I never even got to talk to him again.
He just died.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, file it under things I wish I could say in this fucking letter that I can't actually send.
But I can't let go of it, either.
You want my help? Yeah.
But we can do it together, okay? Okay.
On the count of three.
Okay.
- One.
- One.
- Two.
- Two.
Three.
That was brave.
He was brave.
You were brave.
Eliot? Yeah? Thank you for telling me.
Guards, hello! We're human again! Margo.
Can I say one thing? I'm sorry I slept with Josh.
- We were just lonely.
- Fen, stop apologizing.
I don't own Josh's penis, and I don't want to.
But you seem Can I have a complicated emotion without having to resolve it so you can feel better? I am grateful that even in your complicated state, you still reached for the Childsplay knife.
- You're a good person - I thought it was a real knife.
Glad it wasn't today, but I'm not a good person.
Okay, well, matters of the heart can be irrational and sometimes even the best of us Stop trying to forgive me.
We want you to forgive us.
We promised ourselves we wouldn't give up on you, but we did.
You never gave up on us.
Yeah, you figured out a way.
Eliot sent the letter.
I was gonna let you die for Fillory, but Kings.
We have a job, and we put it first, right? So you didn't save us, and then you stabbed me.
Am I a fool? No no, really.
- Am I? - No more than me.
You're a lovesick idiot! - Hey! - I went into battle for you thinking that you gave a single flea on a donkey's ass for any of us, thinking that we owed you something.
Stupid me.
I've been thinking about what Zoe said.
It's a valid question.
When do you save the world enough? Look, I'm I'm with you on anything, but I gotta be honest.
If we survive this one, I want a life, Julia.
Ideally, with you.
Yeah, I want that too.
I'm not sure you do, and tha and that's okay.
Right now we got shit to do, but if we don't die, we gotta figure this out.
Hello.
I solved your problem.
You were right.
Surges are increasing.
They're unpredictable hidden variables that defy calculation.
But if we can't predict it Correct.
You can't.
So instead, I created a statistical model to predict a window within which a surge might occur.
Wow.
Okay, this is a start.
Are you familiar with the Harmonic Convergence? No.
A rare and powerful astrological occurrence.
A magnifier of magic.
There have been four.
Extinction of the dinosaurs, Pompeii, sinking of Atlantis, and the invention of Auto-Tune.
In two weeks, there will be a fifth.
How bad will it be? This is the event you're worried about.
Circumstances on the Convergence will be exceptionally favorable, which in this case is not a good thing, because it falls in a surge window.
Castings will be exponentially magnified.
Enchantments will malfunction.
Death toll in the millions.
- Maybe much higher.
- How can we stop it? You can't, unless you stop the surges, change astrology, or tell everyone on Earth not to do magic.
Whatever you try, if you need help, I will help you.
And so will my sister.
I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to.
She doesn't, but if the moment comes, you can count on the both of us.
Wait.
Dani.
Thank you so much for your help.
My pleasure.
My sister will invoice you for my time.
Well, we go that-a-way.
A tree near Whitespire can take us home.
I'm headed in that direction, if you'd like some company.
- Um, yeah.
- We wouldn't mind.
Make way! Is that the Dark King's carriage? Are we in trouble again? Whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
Would you like a ride to Whitespire? - Uh - I think we'll walk.
Um I hope your journey gave you everything that you needed.
Please call on me if there's ever anything I can do for you.
He's I think I almost fucked the Dark King.