The New Adventures of Old Christine s05e03 Episode Script

Richard, what are you doing? Shower.
I didn't know you were here.
Well, I am.
Maybe you could knock.
And do a little man-scaping, for God's sakes.
Sorry, but now that I'm not living with new Christine anymore, there's no reason to clear the brush.
You know what? I think it's time to move out.
Maybe, but where would you go? You, Richard.
You do remember that you do have a home? My bachelor apartment? I got rid of that our fifth year of marriage.
I'm talking about the house you bought with new Christine.
New Christine banished me.
She can't banish you.
It's not like me and the Catholic Church.
I don't know.
Sometimes the German in new Christine takes over.
If you ever see her in braids, run for your life.
Just do what we did when we got divorced.
- Sleep with an Asian woman? - What? I'm saying you should sell the house, and then you divide the money.
Are you crazy? In this market? What happened in the housing market? You miss one day of reading the paper I don't know.
She loves that house.
You made the down payment.
She left you at the altar.
She's young and beautiful, and you look like this.
You should make her pay.
I sort of appreciate your honesty.
- And thanks for letting me stay here.
- No.
Don't do that.
We're naked.
I completely forgot.
We're so used to each other, I can stand here and not have sexual thought.
I sort of appreciate your honesty.
I'm just saying it's nice, normal.
Plus, it's not like I'm seeing something I've never seen before.
What is that? It's called aging, Richard.
And you should talk with those yams.
No.
There's something under your boob.
Are you sure it's just not more boob? No, it's like a weird freckle or mole.
It doesn't look right.
I'm dying.
It's not fair.
What the hell? Now you're excited? Me dying gets you going? Don't yell at me.
You'll only make it worse.
Synch : So.
I am having such a bad day.
Not me.
I got to open the gym by myself, work all day by myself.
I haven't been to the bathroom in ten hours.
I'm having a blast.
I'm sorry, Barb.
How was your day? I went to the doctor, and he would not see me.
Get this.
We are apparently no longer covered by Bloom's health insurance.
Probably because we're no longer owned by Bloom.
What are we supposed to do? People can't go around without health insurance.
This is America.
And 45 million people don't have health insurance.
Man, you miss reading the paper for two days.
Why isn't anyone talking about this? Maybe because you get all your news from Nicole Ritchie's blog.
She's interesting because she's famous, Barb.
What is going on in this country? I mean, apparently, something is happening in the housing market, doctors won't see you without insurance, and I've got a freckle, and I'm dying.
Every month you think you're dying or pregnant or going blind.
No, this is different.
It's right under my left breast.
Which is tender.
Oh, my God, I'm pregnant.
And I'm dying.
I'm not doing this.
What's gonna happen to Ritchie if I die? Who's gonna clean him? Who's gonna feed him? Help him with his homework? You don't do that now.
Maybe we shouldn't have left Bloom.
They took care of all the little things, like insurance and maintenance and utilities.
We shouldn't second-guess ourselves.
Really, we are better off without that homophobic, corporate monster.
I'm blind.
And I'm pregnant.
And I'm dying.
- Richard, what are you doing here? - I need to talk to you.
Come in.
Just so you know, people know I'm here.
I'm remodeling a bathroom, and if I don't show up in a year, people will start to get suspicious.
Don't be silly.
There's no reason we can't act like adults.
- You made some changes to the place.
- Do you like it? What's not to like? A bunch of creepy dolls on my couch.
I didn't want people thinking there was a man living here.
I don't think anyone has ever thought that.
So what brings you by? I thought it was time to figure out what to do about the house.
- I'm living in the house.
- No, I know, but long term.
Long term, I'm living in the house.
What about selling the house? We'd lose money.
Right now it's only worth half of what we paid for it.
Maybe I could buy you out.
Two million dollars.
That's not fair.
This wouldn't be a 4 million dollar house if you dipped it in gold, put it in the middle of Manhattan and filled it with 3 million dollars.
If life were fair, you would have paid attention to me on our wedding day instead of old Christine.
You're right.
That was wrong, and I am so sorry.
Although you shouldn't speak too harshly about old Christine.
She might have cancer.
Oh, my God.
What kind? Under boob.
Under boob cancer? Is that what her doctor called it? Well, she hasn't actually seen a doctor yet, but I found this weird mole on her in the shower.
Get out.
- We haven't decided on a fair price.
- Five million dollars.
The shower was a total accident, and seeing old Christine naked means nothing.
I didn't even get excited until I found out she might be dying.
I want you out of here.
I'm not going anywhere.
This house is at least half mine.
You're being unreasonable.
I'm being unreasonable? You just used your ex-wife's illness to try to get your way.
You made me think she was dying of cancer.
Dying, Richard.
I'm going to have to ask you to stop talking about this now.
Look at this place.
It's like an airport bar.
Why is it so crowded? Because the hospital can't turn anyone away, even if they don't have insurance.
None of these people have insurance? When did this become a thing? I'm gonna write a letter.
- To who? - The newspaper.
What's the name of the newspaper? America's top newspaper.
God, I can't wait here all day.
I've got to see a doctor.
Good luck.
I've been here 3 hours.
Look at your baby.
He's so cute.
How old is he? Two hours.
I'm gonna die here.
You are not dying.
I wish people wouldn't keep saying that.
It cheapens what I'm going through.
And I know you're scared, but even in death, I will be with you.
That's where my water broke.
Why is it every time I hang out with you, I sit in something wet? A doctor.
I'm not waiting.
Excuse me What do you think of this? I've seen worse.
Thank you, doctor.
I'm not a doctor.
I'm a painter.
Well still Thank you.
God Can you believe that guy? That guy.
I cannot stand here in this line all day.
I don't know how much time I've got.
Excuse me.
Are you a real nurse? I need you to feel something right there.
Does that seem all right to you? Nothing about this seems all right.
Llisten, I have a very scary looking freckle right here, and I need a doctor to look at it.
Stat.
- Fine.
Let me see your insurance card.
- No, I don't have insurance.
But I do happen to know the law and I know you're obligated to treat me.
You're right, that's the law.
We are obligated to provide a minimum of care.
Yes, you are.
Minimum of care.
Not cool, guys! They dumped me.
Can you believe it? I can't believe how many of our conversations start out like this.
Apparently, the hospital's definition of "minimum of care" is driving me downtown and leaving me there.
I was the victim of a death panel, Barb.
You've got to stop watching Stephen Colbert when you're half in the bag.
A bum saw my butt, and danced a jig while I cried.
I can't believe how many of our conversations end up like this.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do about this health care crisis.
I'm gonna make a documentary.
I'm gonna expose them all.
- Who's "them all"? - See the movie, OK? But everybody is going down.
I'm naming names.
Name one name.
Tom.
There you are.
What happened to you? I've been so worried.
So worried that you stopped for a box of fried chicken? Hungry and worried.
- Did you get biscuits? - What am I, stupid? Excuse me.
I was in the hospital.
I laid on a stretcher in a hallway for two hours and then I fell asleep and I woke up in the morgue.
Did you? But I saw that painter again.
And he pretended he didn't know me.
And I never got a doctor to see me.
And I'm having a hard time.
Settle down.
I called a friend of mine from medical school, Glenn.
I do not have time to date your friends.
I am dying.
I mean, all right, I'll meet him for coffee.
No, he's doing a dermatology rotation.
He said he'd see you.
- Is he good? - She means handsome.
He's a guy.
I can't tell if he's handsome.
OK, he's gorgeous.
Emerald eyes.
But he's also a good doctor and he said he'd take a look at you for free.
Thank you, Matthew.
You're saving my life.
And there's the biscuits.
You're still here? And this is where I'm staying.
Because this is my house.
I made the down payment, I laid the hardwood floors, I built the garage apartment that's not up to code.
This isn't funny anymore.
I want you to leave.
If you want me out of here, you're going to have to physically remove me.
Fine.
You know I'm strong.
My mother was in the German Olympics.
Stop it! Stiffen up, stiffen up.
I know you're faking.
Are you faking? I know you're faking.
Fine, I'm faking.
And guess what, it's not the first time.
Please go away.
Never.
I'm here to stay, and there's nothing you can do about it.
I didn't want to do this.
I was hoping it could be amicable.
But if we're going to be living here, I better introduce you to our roommate.
Please be a hot girl.
What's that? Is that a cat? Is that a real cat? Get it out of here! You know I'm allergic.
It's a German cat? What did you want, mom? My firstborn, my little man The love of my life.
Everything is okay.
I just want to talk to you, sweetheart.
Well, you're getting older, and I may not always be here.
So I wanted to pass on to you some of the things that I've learned.
It doesn't matter who you vote for on American Idol.
It's rigged.
Make sure you always have health insurance.
And if you're lucky enough to find somebody that you love, you make sure that she has health insurance, too.
Or he You know, that's fine.
Make sure that he has health insurance.
Although, you know if he is a he, he probably already does have health insurance, because you people are all so organized.
Can I go? Matthew, is that you? I was just going through my bucket list, and I passed my wisdom on to Ritchie and now all I have to do is lose 5 pounds and sleep with an Asian man.
Relax.
My friend's going to be over here in a minute to examine you.
He's not Asian, is he? I could kill two birds with one stone.
No, he is not Asian.
He is a gorgeous Caucasian man with the most beautiful skin.
What is going on with me? Glenn's here.
Please, do not embarrass me.
Glenn, this is my sister.
And Christine, this is Glenn.
When Matthew said you were Caucasian, he wasn't kidding.
Had enough, Richard? I'm perfectly comfortable.
If you get out of here right now I won't rub this cat on your face.
That could kill me.
That doesn't bother me.
Drop the cat or I rip the doll's head off! That's right, bye-bye, dolly.
Come on, Richard, you don't have the stomach for that.
Watch this.
It moved! I swear that doll moved! Forget it.
Take the house.
I'll live in my truck.
The air conditioning isn't working and the radio is stuck on a Christian rock station, but I'll be fine.
I don't wanna do this either.
Before I hated you, I loved you.
I love you, too.
"Loved", Richard.
I didn't hear the "d".
There has to be something we can figure out.
This is a big place.
There's room enough for both of us.
Do you think you could handle living here without a romantic relationship? Without cats? Forget the cat.
It's not even mine.
It's the neighbor's.
You steal cats? A lot has changed since you left.
Do you think you can handle living here without a romantic relationship? I don't see why not.
We can be friends and live in the same house.
I did it with old Christine.
- We're talking about Christine again.
- No, never.
I hate her.
Don't say that.
She's dying, remember? Yeah, I remember.
So Matthew tells me you're a gym owner.
Yeah, gym owner Documentary filmmaker.
I'm about to blow the lid off the health care industry.
But don't worry, you're safe.
I'm only going after the ugly doctors.
Well, to tell you the truth, only the ugly doctors are any good.
So it doesn't really look like anything I've seen before, but I also don't think you have anything to be concerned about.
Gosh, that's a relief.
I'm just going to scrape a few cells and send them to the lab to be sure.
God, cells Labs Scrape It's just a precaution.
Trust me, everything else looks great.
In fact, everything else looks really great.
Are you speaking as a doctor or has a handsome man with wonderfully warm hands? Well, I'm not a doctor yet, and those are your hands.
Actually, you know, I was a little freaked out by this whole thing.
But I feel like you've given me my life back.
And I'm ready to start living.
I'm sorry.
That was totally out of line.
Don't be silly.
This is the reason I'm becoming a doctor.
Good morning pretty partner.
What's up with you? Are you drunk? Not anymore.
You seem happy.
Are you pregnant? Maybe.
But I don't have cancer.
My mole turned out to be a piece of brownie.
It popped right off when I was making out with my new doctor boyfriend.
A brownie? And a doctor boyfriend.
But you know what, though, seriously, I'm glad that I went through this, because I feel like I know what's important now.
I mean, life can't all be work, work, work.
I'd settle for just one "work".
So you're giving up on your health care cause? Let me tell you something about his so-called health care crisis.
If every American were willing to go to third base with every premed student, there'd be no crisis.
Now I actually want to see your documentary.
I'm blind.
And I'm pregnant.
With a doctor boyfriend!