The Simple Life (2003) s05e03 Episode Script

NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole's new boss likes to start the day off early.
ED: Camp Shawnee counselors, please report to the main entrance at the Camp Shawnee sign.
NARRA TOR: Nicole's putting today's wake-up call on hold, but Miss Hilton hops into another chilly Camp Shawnee morning with a style all her own.
(GROANS) All right.
We got campers coming in.
I need to get the cabins cleaned up, so we're ready to entertain our campers.
Let's go over to the cabins and sweep them out.
-Cleaning.
-Cleaning.
-I love cleaning.
It's the best.
-All right.
ED: The boys are doing their stuff.
That's good.
You think we're having the same luck at the girls' cabin? Do you know how to do this? -JOE: No, but I wouldn't do it.
-Why? I need the fire extinguisher.
Come on.
Give it back.
I just want to try it.
It's cool.
ED: I don't know.
There's a lot of smoke coming up from the back.
I don't know what that was.
Cool.
Don't tell your dad.
(HONKlNG) Let's take two girls, both filthy rich From the bright lights to the wilderness From way uptown to an old campground Will they survive the simple life? Let's take away their limousines Their credit cards and shopping sprees Well, they're both spoilt rotten Will they cry when they hit bottom? Hea ven knows if they'll survive This simple campers kind of life PARlS: Where the hell are we? PARlS : Hi, guys.
CAMPERS: Hi, Paris.
Good morning.
NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole still have a lot to learn as camp counselors.
As for Hunter, he has a lot to learn about Paris.
I feel so sick from last night.
Someone left the door open, so I was, like, freezing all night, and I just feel ill from it.
All you had to do I could have kept you warm.
Against camp rules.
Against It is a camp.
Yeah, we are employees of the camp.
-Mmm-hmm.
-That's right.
I am Kyle Haggerty.
I am president of Haggerty & Associates.
Oh! Hey, our new specialist for the week.
I'm Ed Bellante.
-Very nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
I'm conducting a pageant camp here at Camp Shawnee.
Kyle, tell us a little bit about the camp that you're going to be running this week.
We're going to teach them how to model, do some hair and make-up, how to speak properly, but most importantly, it's a contest.
-ED: Right.
-So they're going to learn how to compete and do the best that they can.
That's great.
That's just awesome.
Hunter's sweet.
Why don't you like him? He's really nice, but he's a camp counselor, so he's kind of, like, nerdy.
We raise the flag every morning together and we talk, but I just like him as a friend.
-So then tell him you don't like him.
-That's so mean.
-Maybe you should have a talk with him.
-What do I say? I feel bad, like it's sad.
I have to tell him something.
He's just not my type.
ED: Good morning, Paris.
Good morning, Nicole.
How are you? -Hi.
-Hi.
I want you to meet Kyle.
He is our specialist.
-Hi, I'm Nicole, how are you? -Very nice to meet you, Nicole.
You all are more beautiful in person.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
We got a lot of work to do this week, so you're going to need to help me out here.
-Fair enough? -Yeah.
Okay.
NARRA TOR: With Kyle in charge, everyone heads out to give the Miss America hopefuls and their moms a warm Camp Shawnee welcome.
ED: Hello, campers! Welcome to Camp Shawnee.
(WHOOPS) -Come on out, everybody.
-NlCOLE: Welcome to Camp Shawnee.
-Hi.
-Hi, Nicole.
-Do you like JonBenet Paul? -Exactly.
-NlCOLE: Nice to meet you.
-Hi.
-NlCOLE: Hey, welcome to Camp Shawnee.
-Nice to meet you.
ED: Kyle is going to be our specialist for the week.
Welcome to my camp.
My job is to make sure that each one of you know how to be winners.
And that's all I care about, is getting a crown on your head.
The camp is going to culminate into an exciting event.
We're going to have a big pageant at the very end.
Two of you all are going to walk away with two huge trophies and a lovely crown.
So I wish you all the best of luck.
Let's make it happen.
Yeah.
-How old are you guys? -Six.
You're six? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Whatever.
What do you guys like to do? I like to do pageants and playing with my puppies and volunteering.
Okay.
So cute.
-How old are you? -Five, six.
-Do you do your make-up yourself? -No, my mom does.
-Do you have your own trailer? -No.
It's time to be a diva for you.
MATTHEW: Holy cow! You have another kid in here? What's going on? NARRA TOR: The new campers barely get to move in before Kyle orders everyone to the stage so he can evaluate the little girls 'pageant skills.
Look at this fricking dirt on your shirt.
Let's get ready for Onstage Question.
What do you want to be when you grow up? -A rock star.
-Sexy.
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? I'd like to go to Cancun.
-You can go for MTV's Spring Break.
-Yeah.
-lf Hunter farted, what would you do? -Run away.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) What advice would you give a friend if you found out she was pregnant? Matthew, cue the music please.
Amazing grace how sweet the sound (GROWLS) That saved a wretch like me! (WHlMPERlNG) I don't even have words.
Is there always singing contests in these things? She did have really good tits, though.
Okay, I'm glad you noticed that.
(RACY MUSlC PLAYlNG) She could definitely be a Lakers Girl.
Not necessarily.
The dress was too short, the shoes were all wrong.
The hair was not as crisp in the back as I would like to see, but all of that is fixable, though.
She looks like she is going to murder me.
(MUSlC FROM PSYCHOPLAYlNG) (LAUGHS) What makes you say that? It's just Especially the younger ones, I just want to take all their make-up off and take all their dresses off and just, like, swing on swings.
Start all over? (ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG) Oh, my God! Yay! Thank you, Danica.
She is the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life.
KYLE: I personally think she's going to be Miss America one day.
Me, too.
NARRA TOR: Danica ends Kyle's evaluation on a high note, but Nicole still has a sticky job to do for Paris.
-Hunty? -Yeah? I have some not-so-great news.
I talked to Paris, and she really likes you as a friend, but she's just not so much into getting, you know, serious.
I'm sorry.
It's a bummer.
I know that Matt likes you.
Matt? Well, Matt's my friend.
(SlGHS) NARRA TOR: Kyle's already waiting for the counselors to bring his campers in for more evaluation.
We're going somewhere special.
NARRA TOR: But instead, Paris and Nicole decide to let the little princesses ha ve some good old camp fun.
So we're trying to make this more fun So we're going to do a three-legged relay race.
HUNTER: All right.
NlCOLE: We're ready.
Boys, come here.
We'll tie you guys.
(MATTHEW SlGHlNG) MATTHEW: Wait a minute.
Whoa! No! HUNTER: Wait.
-That's not fitting! -MATTHEW: Oh, God.
Wait.
Well l I'm backwards.
NlCOLE: On your marks.
-Get set.
Go.
-Get set.
Go.
-Yeah, we got this.
-Giddy up, giddy up! (CHEERlNG) (CHEERlNG AND LAUGHlNG) Hey! What is going on here? Why are my crowns out here? What did I ask you all to do? -Bond with the mothers and daughters.
-Yeah.
-And what's this? -BOTH: Bonding.
HUNTER: Do we have a key for this? NlCOLE: No.
HUNTER: You don't have a key for this? MATTHEW: It's kind of hurting.
NARRA TOR: Getting everyone right back to business, Kyle orders Paris and Nicole to help the girls perfect their pageant smiles.
So, girls, today we're going to be practicing your winning look.
Yeah.
First, you need to have the look of surprise.
You don't look that shocked.
Act shocked like you're swimming, and all of a sudden, your top fell down.
Then it's surprise.
You look surprised.
You don't look surprised.
Now look at the other girl like you feel bad for her.
Perfect.
And the last look is, "l won.
" NlCOLE: Perfect.
Now Kyle's going to come here to check the progress, but I just want to do just one more special "Kyle look," and I want you guys to all go like this.
It's okay.
I promise.
Does everyone have that down? It's this finger.
This finger.
-Okay, how's it going? -They got it down.
-They got it down? -Yeah.
Let's see it.
PARlS: All right, you guys, feel bad for the other girl.
But you know it's you And the winner is you! PARlS: Surprised.
Shocked.
NlCOLE: And the "Kyle look.
" (CLAPPlNG) KYLE: Pageant girls don't do that.
First of all, it wasn't my idea.
It was their idea.
But you couldn't stop them.
They're grown women.
Look at them.
They have full-face of make-up on.
NARRA TOR: It's not long before word gets back to the mothers about exactly what Paris and Nicole have been teaching their daughters.
This is 6-year-old little girl.
You don't teach a 6-year-old girl Would you want me teaching your 6-year-old girl to go around and flip people off? GlRL: She made us do it three times, though.
-She made us do it.
-See, that's not one.
That's not right.
WOMAN: And I don't think that's appropriate "She made me do it.
" Ladies, I hear we have a problem inside.
I allowed you guys to take my daughter away from me and out of sight.
-Right.
-Right? She taught my daughter how to flip people off.
I'm really mad.
I'm at the point where I want to cry.
You don't teach my 6-year-old how to flip people off.
Okay, I'll take care of it.
I mean, really.
I'm going to talk with them and it will not happen again.
Paris, Nicole, get over here, right now! NARRA TOR: Pageant camp has hit a bump in the road.
After one of the moms learns that Paris and Nicole taught the girls to flip the bird, Paris and Nicole are in deep trouble.
I'm really sorry, but you have to understand that these little girls look like adults and sometimes I get confused and I forget how young they are.
I know it doesn't seem like it, but these are really little kids.
-They act our age.
-ED: I know.
They do.
They even spray tan.
Apologize to the moms, and it will be over with.
-Okay.
-All right.
So, we just want to Apologize for upsetting you at all, if we did.
I'm really sorry.
I would never, ever disrespect your children.
You all have beautiful daughters.
I really appreciate the fact that you've come in here to straighten things out.
-I'm sorry.
-Thank you.
-Sorry.
-Thank you, sweetie.
ED: I'm going to start crying.
Sorry.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) Thanks.
Thank you.
-Want to make out? -No.
-Thank you, though.
-Okay.
NlCOLE: Wake me up in five minutes.
I'm so tired.
NARRA TOR: With so many pretty girls running around camp, Paris decides to teach Ed's son, Joey, how to score.
-Hey, Joey, what's up? -Nothing.
-Wanna play? -Sure.
Do you have a girlfriend? Nope.
My mom won't let me have one.
-Why? -Can't have one till I'm 16, apparently.
PARlS: Booya! Do you want to go sit? My heels are hurting me.
Okay.
It's hard to play basketball in Louis Vuitton.
NARRA TOR: Across camp, hanging out with Ed's older son Patrick, Nicole has a proposal ofher own.
-I feel like you and I are two peas in a pod.
-We could be.
We could be.
Do you want to get married? So, there's five girls here.
This is your chance to practice for when you're 16 and you're allowed to date.
Okay.
What we're going to do, is speed dating.
What are your priorities in life? To become America's Next Top Model.
So where did you get your tan? Who's cuter, Hunter or Matthew? -Hunter.
-Oh, really? Yeah.
What are your priorities in life? I want to have lots of money and be rich.
-Would you be willing to sign a prenup? -No.
Smart girl.
Are you a good kisser? I kind of think you're kind of cute.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
-PARlS: An older woman.
-She's five years older than me.
Nowadays there's 40-year-old women who are dating 25-year-old men, and they're hot women.
Good point.
PARlS: But, I'd say, out of all of them, I think Danica will be the nicest.
-Plus, it's just a practice date.
-Okay.
-Cool.
I'll see you in a little bit.
-Okay.
Right there.
Okay.
Close in.
And feet together.
And when you do your kick, I need you to point your toe like that, okay? Point.
Give me your pageant smile.
Down a little bit.
Right there.
NARRA TOR: Next, Kyle wants Paris and Nicole to work on the campers'pageant walks.
And Paris and Nicole add their own twist to make the training messy, but fun.
PARlS: You have to practice balance.
So, get a healthy meal and put the mashed potatoes and the chicken and make a crown with it, and walk to go to the table.
Come on, everyone get their food.
(WHOOPlNG) NlCOLE: You can do it.
Yeah.
PARlS: You did it.
Five, six, seven, eight Work it, work it, work it (ALL LAUGHlNG) Five, six, seven, eight Work it.
(SHRlEKlNG) Hey, gang, how's dinner? What in the heck's gone on in my dining hall? -I'll tell you what happened.
-ED: Okay.
We were practicing balance, because you need that in a pageant.
Very good.
And some of them didn't make it.
Girls, you guys are going to have to clean it up.
-What is that? What does it do? -I don't know.
Sorry.
It's too hard to use this.
You try it? -What do you do? Just push? -Yeah.
Okay.
It's hard.
PARlS: I don't even care anymore.
NlCOLE: Yeah, over it.
NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole leave the mess hall in a mess.
NARRA TOR: Paris goes to help Joey prep for his practice date, and he certainly could use some help.
This might scare her mom.
Do you want to see what it looks like? No! You look so handsome.
Bring a flower for her, too.
-Would you like some apple juice? -DANlCA: Yes, please.
-Thank you.
-Sparkling apple juice.
Since there's no waiters here at Camp Shawnee, I'll be at your service tonight.
Thank you.
So flavorful.
(WHlSPERlNG) Tell her she looks pretty tonight.
-You look very pretty tonight.
-Thank you.
JOE: I like your little sparkly dress.
And your eyes look very beautiful, too.
They're like a hazely blue.
I like that color.
Same color as my brother, I think.
Well, I had fun tonight.
Did you? Yes.
Really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really fun.
Wow, that's a lot of "reallys.
" PARlS: Your first date.
How are you feeling about that whole Paris thing? Sometimes I just wish I could probably just change and be the type of dude that she's into, but -You know what I wish? -What do you wish? I wish somebody would come and take these fricking handcuffs off of us.
All right, so, you guys, when's the last time that you've done something fun? GlRL 1 : I don't know.
GlRL 2: (GlGGLlNG) We don't know.
-Actually, I don't know at all.
-A long time ago.
NlCOLE: I think that they should do kid things.
Let's do something that kids always do.
How would you feel about TPing Ed's house? -ALL: Yeah! -Yeah! Just go like this.
GlRL: Did you get that one, right there? -PARlS: Sure, of course.
-Can you get more on top? GlRL: Paris has got a good aim.
(CHUCKLlNG) (LAUGHlNG) PARlS: Good job, girls.
That was fun.
Oh, my God! I cannot believe that.
Oh, my God! The car, the house.
It's a lot of clean-up.
DAWN: I can't believe that.
What were they thinking? I don't know.
Well, I hope they don't think I'm cleaning it up, because ED: We'll make them clean it up in the morning.
Never in my life seen this.
It's like a freaking forest! NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole have trashed Ed's house and wrecked the kitchen, but somehow, at the end of the day, they're not the ones in handcuffs.
-How're you feeling? -We're all right.
Besides, my left leg is a little numb right now, but, you know, it's good.
Well, I'm here to make a deal.
I have something you guys want, and you guys have something I want.
I have this.
I want you guys to help me clean the kitchen.
MATTHEW: Why don't you un-cuff us and then we'll go help you? Because how do I know you'll do it? How do we know that you'll un-cuff us? Danica, I'm going to give you this key.
If the boys clean the dining hall, then you can give them the key.
So I'm trusting you to be the boss.
I'm going to bed, I'm exhausted.
Oh, my gosh! Hey, guys, I have the key.
You want this? -Can we have it? -Not just yet.
HUNTER: You are just a princess, you are.
You're just going to blend right in with the Hiltons and the Richies.
-All over there, too.
-(LAUGHlNG) I see it.
PARlS: Good night, Bill.
NlCOLE: Good night, Sill.
-Love you.
-I love you, too.
NARRA TOR: Next on The Simple Life.
Not like himself today.
NlCOLE: I don't know.
Maybe he's bipolar.
Well, we actually want the moms to do the pageant.
You need to walk like you'd be on a runway.
Oh, dear.
You got me a size 1 6, I'm a size 5.
Hell no, we won't go.
KYLE: Just died.