The Two Ronnies (1971) s05e03 Episode Script
Series 5, Episode 3
Good evening.
It's nice to be with you isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.
And, in a packed programme tonight, we shall be talking to a Texas man who made a fortune selling smokeless fuel to Red Indian couples who aren't speaking to each other.
And we'll be talking to an insecticide maker who has just produced an aphrodisiac for flies.
It doesn't kill them but it lets you swat two of them at a time.
Then we shall talk to a showbiz chef who crossed Raquel Welch with a packet of Bisto and got gravy with very big lumps.
And also to a man who crossed Basil Brush with a senna pod and got a quick foxtrot.
And then we shall interview a man whose parents were a clairvoyant and a contortionist.
And, as a result, he can foresee his own end.
First, the news.
A man who threw his mother-in-law into the crocodile pool at London Zoo has been prosecuted by the RSPCA.
There was a disturbance at Hampton Court Maze this afternoon.
A party of Irish trippers panicked when they couldn't find their way in.
And the world's most stupid man, Mr Brodnick Godbolt was today found not guilty of trying to gas his wife by throwing her into the North Sea.
In the sketch that follows, Ronnie Corbett was to have starred in his own version of Jaws but, unfortunately, the goldfish died.
(# Sombre organ music) Shop.
- May I help you, sir? - Could be, John.
Could be.
Take care of dead people, don't you, John? That is our sad duty.
Yes, sir.
I'd like you to take care of one for me, if you would.
- Er - Wooden overcoat job.
Wooden overcoat, sir? Coffin, John.
Coffin.
I see.
Could I have the name, please, sir? No names, no pack drill.
Know what I mean? Well, if I don't have the name of the person concerned, sir 0h, sorry, his name? His name, you mean.
Ah, understood, yeah.
Scarlotti.
Luigi Scarlotti.
Two I's.
0nly one ear.
Never mind how he lost it or where I found the knife.
It's not important.
You understand? - Could I have the date of death, sir? - Difficult for me to give you the date exactly.
Well, er, just a rough date will do, sir.
Well, we were thinking maybe next Saturday evening, you know.
- Nobody about, you know.
Nobody - I beg your pardon, sir? Well, next Saturday, like, you know.
Bernard Manning on the telly, nobody awake, you know.
Get my point? Am I to take it, sir, that Mr Scarlotti is not yet deceased, sir? You got it in one.
You're very clever.
I like your style.
Yes, that's right.
And that's where you come in.
As the undertaker, we'd like you to put the screws on.
- Put the screws on the coffin lid, sir? - No, on Luigi.
We don't want anything elaborate.
Nice, quiet affair, you know? Quiet affair? What do you mean, a quiet affair? Use a silencer.
We don't want anything messy, you see.
Nothing too ostentatious.
Simple inscription on the wall, in blood.
Nobody crosses Shorty Johnson and lives.
And just under Wait a minute, that's a bit of a giveaway, isn't it? No, we'd better use your name, I think.
Nobody crosses WF Black and Son, Funeral Directors, and lives.
I'm sorry, sir, if our sign outside has misled you.
We merely bury people, sir.
Bury them? Bury? 0h.
Well, that's a little bit tricky, isn't it, eh? All right, bury him.
Bury him.
Bury him.
Safest way.
0nly, be sure he's gagged.
I don't want no screaming and hollering when you throw him in.
No, sir.
We only bury dead people, sir.
Well, half an hour underground, there won't be much life left in him, will there? Look, sir, we are morticians.
We just arrange funerals.
We do not murder people, sir.
Not even a bit? Not even at all, sir.
There's half a grand in it for you.
You know.
Look, don't you think you're going about this in the wrong way, sir? I mean, have you stopped to think, have you taken time out just to think for a moment of the wrong you are doing? I can see I haven't convinced you, have I, sir? Well, look, tell you what? Why don't you phone up our parish priest, eh? - What for? - Well, he does a very good line in stakes through the heart, you see? No questions asked.
Cash on the nail.
Just ask for Ricky the rib.
Come on, come and use the phone.
Erm, who shall I say told me, then? Just say Harry the Hearse put you onto him.
Good evening.
Now, many people think that the GP0 is wasting enormous sums of money.
Well, I've been paid an enormous sum of money by the GP0 to say, "rubbish".
Rubbish.
There.
That's money well spent.
But seriously, you know, we at the GP0 are often asked how can you, the average viewer, combat this endless round of upping prices and upping wages? What can you do when we continually up ours? The answer is simply up yours.
Now, I'd like to tell you about the wonderful improvements we are making at the GP0.
We know how frustrating it is for you to go into a post office and find that there are only three positions and two of them are closed.
So, in future, all post offices will have 12 positions and 11 will be closed.
And, indeed, we're bringing out a new GP0 edition of the Kamasutra.
It has 186 positions and 185 of them are closed.
But it doesn't end there.
Postal services.
We are going to guarantee two deliveries.
March 12th and September 18th.
Now, these new services will not, of course, interfere with the regular mail van robberies.
And, by the way By the way, some stamps have come up with very interesting defects which makes them very valuable.
Now, there we are.
See if you can spot it.
Yes, that's it.
Too big to go on the envelope.
Telephones.
The GP0 helps you to make new friends all over the country whenever you try to dial Birmingham.
In fact, by direct dialling, you can now get wrong numbers all over Europe.
Remember, if you're having trouble, ask for the long-distance call girl.
Now, where does this get us? (Electronic wolf whistle) You see? Now, note the new, agreeable ringing tone on the latest phone receiver.
This is part of the whole new range of wonderful tones we're introducing.
Now one is so high that only dogs can hear it.
So if you can train your dog to answer the telephone, get one of those.
There it is now.
Hello.
Fido? No, he's out.
I'm sorry.
Now, today you can dial almost anything.
I've just dialled for the sports news, the weather and today's recipe.
There was a slight crossed line but I can tell you that the south of England will be simmered slowly in light rain at 20 minutes to the pound at a temperature of 97 for three and the outlook is warm with parsley sauce, regulo seven, West Ham two with occasional roast potatoes.
(Quacking) Hello, Ducks.
Yes, I've told you not to phone me at work, Ducks.
But what about vandals? Well, we are introducing a new vandal-proof phone box.
Now, here is a photo of some of them on Salisbury Plain.
There we are.
- Now, at any moment Ah, yes.
- (Big Ben chimes) I've been expecting this call.
This happens at the same time every night.
Hello.
No, I'm not wearing a frilly black nightie, you disgusting pervert.
Try later tonight.
By the way, this is the new GP0 hammer.
I'll tell you what it's for later.
Now, parcels.
Well, we take great care of parcels.
If your parcel is breakable and precious, the GP0 have to stamp it fragile.
There we are.
Er Here is the new standard GP0 parcel.
From now on, all goods will be specially designed to fit these parcels.
You'll be surprised how much you can send.
Here, for instance, here is a football, you see.
Football.
And here we have a grand piano.
There we have a bicycle wheel.
(Mooing) That's the wife, silly cow.
Now you know what the hammer's for.
Lastly, the problem of unwanted mail.
Now, a lady in Brondesbury writes, "I'm worried.
Today I received a very frank pamphlet "entitled, Seven Ways 0f Getting Pregnant through my letterbox.
" Well, Mrs S Well, Mrs S, we have checked on this and there are only three ways of getting pregnant through your letterbox.
So keep your pecker up.
0h, that's four ways, that's four ways.
Well, there you have it.
0h, five.
So, if you want to send your new born baby a telegram for his hundredth baby, you'd better start queuing now.
Good night.
Victorian London continued to be outraged by terrible attacks and shocking confrontations during those dark, autumnal days of 1898.
(Raspberry) 0oh! Help me.
I've never been so ooh.
The police seemed powerless but they were tireless in their efforts to trap the assailant.
Even Mr Disraeli had recently become the victim of an attack.
My wallet.
Now, the scene moves to Chiswick.
An amateur cameraman captured this unique piece of evidence in an increasingly bizarre affair.
The latest victim was the dowager Duchess of Arc in broad daylight, on the towpath of the river.
The duchess was rendered unconscious by a series of gigantic raspberries and, as she lay senseless, the fiend tattooed a raspberry on each of her knees.
Then he left her drifting helplessly in the Thames.
This time, the Home Office stepped in.
(Big splash) Scores of suspects were rounded up.
Finally, the numbers were whittled down to one man.
Yes, this looks like the man.
Sergeant Bowles, will you organise an identity parade? Sir.
I, I never did nuffink.
Nuffink? Nuffink? What a terrible way to speak.
- Where did you go to school? - 'Arrow.
I thought as much.
Right.
Come on in.
In you come.
That's it.
0ver there.
Sergeant Bowles, are they all genuine passers-by? - No, I got them at Harrods, sir.
- Good thinking.
- Bowles, er, bring in the duchess.
- Yes, sir.
That's the man.
No.
I'm the inspector.
Corner of the Yard.
(Laughs) Many's the time.
Before we proceed, your Grace, I understand the fiend tattooed parts of your body.
- May we see them? - Certainly.
- Er, Bowles, assist her grace.
- Yes, sir.
(Corner) 0h, yes.
Genuine raspberries.
And I speak as a gardener.
Quite in the middle of the knee, there.
Yes.
They shall have to be photographed as evidence.
My knees? Are they important? 0f course they are, my dear.
0therwise, your legs wouldn't bend in the middle.
- Sergeant Bowles, you can put them away.
- Sir.
Your grace, would you choose one of these men from this line here, please? - Just one? - Er, one will be enough.
It's very difficult to tell.
Very difficult.
They all look so alike.
I can't.
But perhaps if I heard the noise once again.
Very well, then.
Sergeant Bowles, would you organise a noise test, please? - (Corner) Number one.
- Number one.
No.
No, no.
Number two.
It was a little farther west than that, I think.
Number three.
Definitely not.
- Number four.
- 0h.
Er, oh - Not sure.
- Number four once more.
0oh, really.
I oh (Deep raspberry) 0h, dear, this is a gross violation of individual liberty.
0h, dear.
0h, dear.
0h, dear.
In the weeks that followed, the phantom relentlessly continued his attacks on the aristocracy.
Inevitably, the news filtered through to the darkest corners of the far flung empire, including Buckingham Palace.
Tempers were short, nerves were frayed in the royal household.
On the morning of November 12th, Edward VII, then Prince of Wales, was arguing with his royal mother Queen Victoria.
0h, for heaven's sake, Edward, sit down.
I will not have you disobeying orders.
You will stay at home.
0h, Mama, why will you never let me do anything? You never allow me to do anything.
You treat me as if I were a child.
What's the point of being Edward, Prince of Wales, if I'm never allowed to do anything? 0h, please, Edward, please.
What is it you want to do? I thought I might go out and look for conkers.
No, you will not leave this palace, not with this terrible phantom gooseberry sucker about.
Raspberry blower, Mama.
Well, whatever it is, it's fruity.
And anything fruity is never to be trusted.
My dear Albert would have nothing to do with anything fruity.
They named a pear after him.
Well, they named a potato after you.
What does that prove? It doesn't mean you've got to stuff yourself with chips.
Why do you want to go out? Why don't you find yourself a nice girl, a nice Jewish girl, bring her home, meet your mother? Eh? I make some cheesecake, though it's fattening.
We'll get fat together.
Have a chat, a little laugh, maybe play a little gin rummy - Mama, you're not Jewish.
- Not Jewish.
Not Jewish, he says.
- Why don't you meet somebody? - You're not Jewish.
You're not Jewish.
I tell you, you're not Jewish.
I'm sorry, Edward.
It's the effect of my mixed blood.
- What were you saying? - The phantom raspberry blower, Mama.
0h, yes.
Mr Gladstone said it could be almost anybody.
And almost everyone else says it could be Mr Gladstone.
Nonsense.
Just because he prowls around late at night, talking to ladies of the street.
- What's wrong with that? - Nothing.
- I think that's what I'll do.
- No, Edward, please.
Sit down.
- Now, what about this game? - 0h, very well, very well.
What do you want? Go on, bust me for a shilling.
I've won.
I've won your money.
Come on, pay up.
0h.
(Raspberry) Edward.
Edward.
That noise, was that you? - Yes, I - You.
It, it can't be.
What do you mean? What are you staring at me like that for, Mama? Answer me.
Answer me.
Is it possible? Could it be that our own Edward, Prince of Wales, is the dreaded monster? Someone so near to the dear Queen.
If this is so, then nothing at all can stand in the way of the phantom raspberry blower of old London town.
Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dickson.
# Day after day I'm more confused # But I look for the light through the pouring rain # I know it's a game that I hate to lose # I'm feeling the strain # Ain't it a shame? # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # Give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # Beginning to think that I'm wasting time # And I don't understand the things I do # The world outside looks so unkind # Now it's up to you # To carry me through # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # Give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # When my mind is free # You know melody can move me # And when I'm feeling blue # The guitar's coming through to soothe me # Thanks for the joy that you're giving me # Now I want you to know I believe in the song # The rhythm, the rhyme and the harmony # You help me along # You're making me strong # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # (Applause) # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # Well, I've seen him.
Yeah, very probably.
I've seen the doctor 'bout my problem.
Suppose he said take two aspirins and call him in the morning if you weren't feeling better? He says the cure for my problem is love.
That's the cure for everybody's problem.
You don't need a doctor to tell you that.
He says I need to have love at least seven times a week.
- How many? - Seven.
At least.
Well, put me down for two.
Now, here is the late news.
Senator Grunsden, a candidate for the United States presidency complained today that, just because he likes to do down to his Carolina poultry farm, help with the harvest and preserve his beetroots, that doesn't make him a cotton-picking, chicken-plucking pickle-dipper.
Complaints were made following the chefs' annual fancy-dress ball last night.
It seems a woman dressed in gooseberries and cream made improper suggestions to a man dressed in cake and sherry.
She made a proper fool of herself and got a trifle excited.
And after a marriage lasting only seven days, a newspaper editor's wife has filed a petition for divorce on the grounds that he is too small a type, she's become bored with his special features and he refuses to give her a late-night extra.
A man who broke into Brigitte Bardot's bedroom and laid his hands on her jewellery has been found guilty but insane.
Now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett who has made a lot of money on the greyhounds as a jockey.
- Mind how you go.
- Thank you.
(Bell rings) Four candles.
Four candles? There you are.
Four candles.
No.
Four candles.
Well, there you are.
Four candles.
No.
Fork 'andles.
'Andles for forks.
Thought you were saying four candles.
There you are.
- Er, got any plugs? - Plugs? - Yeah.
- Plugs? What kind of plugs? A rubber one.
Bathroom.
What size? 13 amp.
That's electric plugs.
Electric bathroom plugs you call them in the trade.
Electric bathroom plugs.
All right? - Sortips? - Sore tips? What d'you want, ointment or something like that? What d'you mean? No, saw tips for covering the saws.
Tips.
- 0h.
No, we haven't got any.
Haven't got any.
- 0h.
Coming in but none at the moment.
- Got any 'ose? - '0se? - '0se.
- '0se.
No.
'0se.
'0se.
I thought you meant 'oes.
- '0se.
- '0se.
When you said 'ose, I thought you said 'oes.
Hose.
I thought he said hoes, he meant hose.
There y'are.
No.
'0se.
Hose? Well, that 0h, you mean pantyhose, pantyhose.
No, no.
0's, 0's, 0's for the gate.
Mon Repose.
0's.
- Letter 0's.
- Letter 0's.
Hose, there, I thought you meant.
- How many d'you want? - Two.
Two.
A'right? - Yeah? Next? - Got any P's? Gawd's sake, why didn't you bleeding tell me that when I'm up the stairs, there? I'm up the stairs already.
I'm up and down the shop all the time.
I've got all this shop, up and down in here.
You could tell me when I'm planning things.
Save my legs.
(Mutters) How many d'you want? No.
Tins of peas.
Three tins of peas.
You're having me on, aren't you? You're having me on, eh? - There we are.
Right.
- Pumps.
- Pumps.
- Pumps.
Hand pumps, foot pumps? Come on.
- Foot pumps.
- Foot pumps.
Foot pumps.
Can't see any foot pumps.
0h.
Must tidy up in here.
There we are.
No.
Pumps for your feet.
Brown pumps, size nine.
- You are definitely having me on.
- No, I'm not.
I'm not.
- I'm not.
- You are.
- Washers.
- What? Windscreen washers, car washers, dishwashers, floor washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners, floor washers? - Half-inch washers.
- 0h, tap washers.
Tap washers.
- Yeah.
- I've had enough of this.
Give us that list.
I'll get it all myself down here.
What's this? What's that? 0h, that does it.
That does I've had just about enough of this.
Mr Jones! Come out and serve this customer, please.
I have had enough of this.
Look what he's got on there.
Look what he's got on there.
Right.
How many would you like? 0ne or two? Thank you very much.
Before, before I start whatever I'm going to talk about, I must apologise for a joke I'm going to tell you, you know, which is not very funny.
Now, no, so I'll just have to, I'll have to ask you to believe that I'm only obeying orders, you know, cos if I don't, I could find myself back doing guest appearances on Magic Roundabout.
And it can get pretty hot in that Dougal skin, I can tell you.
I know what you're thinking.
Here he goes, making a feeble excuse to tell another old joke.
Actually, I suppose that's a little bit presumptuous of me cos you might be thinking something else, altogether.
You might be thinking, "Shall I wear my blue hat when Auntie Ethel is ordained on Friday?" Or you might be thinking, "When Kojak shaves, where does he actually start?" So, so before you defect to the other side, let me explain that just before the other show started, I was having a chat with the producer, you know.
Well, to be honest, we all draw lots before the programme and the loser has a chat with the producer.
Well, it makes him feel, sort of, you know, part of the team.
Anyway Anyway, he said to me, "Er, what are you doing for your, er, for your little bit of nonsense? "What are you doing for your little bit of nonsense tonight?" He's quite educated, you know, but a bit thick, so you have to Would you believe that he studied medicine for four years and decided it was nasty stuff you take on a spoon? Then he said, he said, "Why don't you, er, why don't you tell that joke I told you "about the lady with the little continental car with the engine in the rear?" I said, "Well, frankly, Terry, I mean, I don't really think it's all that funny.
" He said, "Well, they loved it at the squash club.
" He said, "They loved it at the squash club.
" He belongs to this club, you know.
Every Saturday night, they buy a bottle of squash.
He said, "If you know what's good for you, you'll do as you're told," he said.
"Remember," he said, "you still have relations in Welwyn Garden City.
So I am going to tell you a rather interesting I am going to tell you a rather interesting little story about a housewife who has just bought one of those little continental motorcars and the first morning, she drives down to the supermarket and, by the way, that is the only thing I do like about the joke.
It's got the common touch, you know.
There's a housewife and a small car, a supermarket and a crash and it's all very No, there isn't.
No, there's nothing like that.
Nothing like that in this story.
I'm mixing it up, actually, with the one about the lady driver, you know, who knocked over a dog that ran out into the middle of the pavement.
(Laughter) Well, I suppose It's natural, really, because I did it because I was a bit upset about my wife getting a summons yesterday for parking on the pavement.
A bit upset.
Actually, she wasn't parked on the pavement.
She was passing a bus on the nearside when she ran out of petrol.
Anyway, there is our housewife driving down to the supermarket, you see.
Vrum.
Vum-vum.
Little bit of driving, there, you know.
Just gives the story a bit of authenticity.
Brrr.
Nothing's too much trouble, you know.
I mean, if you, if you don't like the joke, you can applaud the effort, can't you? Vrum.
So she pulls up outside the supermarket.
Actually this is not the best chair.
It's not the best chair for car jokes cos you can't reach the handbrake.
Anyway, when she's done her shopping, she comes out and it won't start.
Well, the time she's taken in there, it's probably run out of petrol.
So There she is.
Chug chug.
Chug chug.
Ch Nothing.
Nothing.
"0h, dear," she thinks.
"I knew I should have bought a British car and not one of these continentals.
" Little plug for British exports, you know.
There'll be no sleep at British Leylands tonight.
So she cleans, so she cleans the wing mirrors, empties the ash tray.
Chug chug chug.
Chug chug chug.
Still nothing.
So she says to herself, "Perhaps it's something to do with the engine," you know.
"Perhaps the lead has come off the prudential or" "or the, or the overdraft is stuck.
" So she opens the bonnet.
A lady down here believes she's got an overdraft, don't you? She opens the bonnet, of course there's nothing in there but a spare wheel.
"Good heavens," she said.
"Someone's pinched the engine.
" "Where are the old values? Bring back national service "and what happened to capital punishment "and the crusty white loaf and?" Now, I don't know why she said that but she did.
And, just as she did, another lady who had just parked her own car came over and said, "May I be of some assistance, my dear?" she said.
"May I be of some assistance? What seems to be the trouble?" "Well," she said, "I've parked my car here while I slipped into the supermarket "to get a cod's head for the cat.
"My husband is thinking of doing a transplant.
"Upon my return, the car won't start.
Well, when I opened the bonnet, there's no engine.
"Some miscreant has made off with the works.
" The other lady said, "Well, bless my soul.
They'll take anything these days.
"My husband blames the Labour government and the free orange juice.
" Anyway She said, "But don't worry, your troubles are over "because my car over there is exactly the same model as this one "and I've a spare engine in the boot.
You can have that.
" Now.
Hey! (# Upbeat classical) # Me and Mrs Higginbottom come here every morning to look after the band # Scrub the stage and empty out the kettle drums # And polish the conductor's stand # Rain or shine, we're always at the ready and we're never lackadaisical or hateful # Where else could you meet so many fellas? # We are just a pair of scrubbers who are grateful # Look at them, they look so charming # Some of them are quite alarming # When they play their obbligato # Half of them are pizzicatoed # Trombones, like gravel, have always quite excited me # I love to travel # I'm more of a French horn girl, you see # Sun-kissed nights on the Mediterranean # Pillow fights with a randy Romanian # Catching romance when it falls # In the orchestra stalls # Me and Mrs Higginbottom love it when we get put on these orchestra jobs # My first husband used to play the organ # So I've always quite liked twiddling knobs # I can claim no musical connections # Though I used to have an uncle in the woodwind # - 0h.
- # But he would eat radishes for supper # And was consequently not a very good wind # Every week we work till Sunday # Have it off then back on Monday # Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday # Keeping the performance tidy # Sometimes there are times when I would like a go myself # I could make music with anyone off the bottom shelf # So when they go for their tea break # Here's the kind of sound that we make # Let the work go hang # While we both have a bang (Playing along with orchestra) # Camden town, my Camden town # High-rise flats so gay # That's where I met Harry Brown # In a flat in Camden town # Tell 'em, girl.
# Now they're going to pull 'em down # 0h, what a disgrace # That's what Harry tried to do # But I slapped his face # - Come on, then! - # Camden town, my Camden town # All my childhood dreams # We could live on half a crown # No one seemed to wear a frown # Now all sad and tumbled down # But you'll always be # Camden town, my Camden town # You are home to me # (Wheezy whistle) (High-pitched melody) # You'll always be # Camden town, my Camden town # You are home # To # Me # (Applause) Well, that's all for this week but here are two items of late news.
We've just heard that British Leyland strikers have been fitting silencers to motor horns and now the cars don't give a hoot, either.
And we've heard from a very disappointed guest at the Charles Dickens Society's annual nudist weekend.
He had great expectations but it was a very bleak house and everybody laughed at his little dorrit.
That's all we've got time for so it's good night from me.
- And it's good night from him.
- (Both) Good night.
It's nice to be with you isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.
And, in a packed programme tonight, we shall be talking to a Texas man who made a fortune selling smokeless fuel to Red Indian couples who aren't speaking to each other.
And we'll be talking to an insecticide maker who has just produced an aphrodisiac for flies.
It doesn't kill them but it lets you swat two of them at a time.
Then we shall talk to a showbiz chef who crossed Raquel Welch with a packet of Bisto and got gravy with very big lumps.
And also to a man who crossed Basil Brush with a senna pod and got a quick foxtrot.
And then we shall interview a man whose parents were a clairvoyant and a contortionist.
And, as a result, he can foresee his own end.
First, the news.
A man who threw his mother-in-law into the crocodile pool at London Zoo has been prosecuted by the RSPCA.
There was a disturbance at Hampton Court Maze this afternoon.
A party of Irish trippers panicked when they couldn't find their way in.
And the world's most stupid man, Mr Brodnick Godbolt was today found not guilty of trying to gas his wife by throwing her into the North Sea.
In the sketch that follows, Ronnie Corbett was to have starred in his own version of Jaws but, unfortunately, the goldfish died.
(# Sombre organ music) Shop.
- May I help you, sir? - Could be, John.
Could be.
Take care of dead people, don't you, John? That is our sad duty.
Yes, sir.
I'd like you to take care of one for me, if you would.
- Er - Wooden overcoat job.
Wooden overcoat, sir? Coffin, John.
Coffin.
I see.
Could I have the name, please, sir? No names, no pack drill.
Know what I mean? Well, if I don't have the name of the person concerned, sir 0h, sorry, his name? His name, you mean.
Ah, understood, yeah.
Scarlotti.
Luigi Scarlotti.
Two I's.
0nly one ear.
Never mind how he lost it or where I found the knife.
It's not important.
You understand? - Could I have the date of death, sir? - Difficult for me to give you the date exactly.
Well, er, just a rough date will do, sir.
Well, we were thinking maybe next Saturday evening, you know.
- Nobody about, you know.
Nobody - I beg your pardon, sir? Well, next Saturday, like, you know.
Bernard Manning on the telly, nobody awake, you know.
Get my point? Am I to take it, sir, that Mr Scarlotti is not yet deceased, sir? You got it in one.
You're very clever.
I like your style.
Yes, that's right.
And that's where you come in.
As the undertaker, we'd like you to put the screws on.
- Put the screws on the coffin lid, sir? - No, on Luigi.
We don't want anything elaborate.
Nice, quiet affair, you know? Quiet affair? What do you mean, a quiet affair? Use a silencer.
We don't want anything messy, you see.
Nothing too ostentatious.
Simple inscription on the wall, in blood.
Nobody crosses Shorty Johnson and lives.
And just under Wait a minute, that's a bit of a giveaway, isn't it? No, we'd better use your name, I think.
Nobody crosses WF Black and Son, Funeral Directors, and lives.
I'm sorry, sir, if our sign outside has misled you.
We merely bury people, sir.
Bury them? Bury? 0h.
Well, that's a little bit tricky, isn't it, eh? All right, bury him.
Bury him.
Bury him.
Safest way.
0nly, be sure he's gagged.
I don't want no screaming and hollering when you throw him in.
No, sir.
We only bury dead people, sir.
Well, half an hour underground, there won't be much life left in him, will there? Look, sir, we are morticians.
We just arrange funerals.
We do not murder people, sir.
Not even a bit? Not even at all, sir.
There's half a grand in it for you.
You know.
Look, don't you think you're going about this in the wrong way, sir? I mean, have you stopped to think, have you taken time out just to think for a moment of the wrong you are doing? I can see I haven't convinced you, have I, sir? Well, look, tell you what? Why don't you phone up our parish priest, eh? - What for? - Well, he does a very good line in stakes through the heart, you see? No questions asked.
Cash on the nail.
Just ask for Ricky the rib.
Come on, come and use the phone.
Erm, who shall I say told me, then? Just say Harry the Hearse put you onto him.
Good evening.
Now, many people think that the GP0 is wasting enormous sums of money.
Well, I've been paid an enormous sum of money by the GP0 to say, "rubbish".
Rubbish.
There.
That's money well spent.
But seriously, you know, we at the GP0 are often asked how can you, the average viewer, combat this endless round of upping prices and upping wages? What can you do when we continually up ours? The answer is simply up yours.
Now, I'd like to tell you about the wonderful improvements we are making at the GP0.
We know how frustrating it is for you to go into a post office and find that there are only three positions and two of them are closed.
So, in future, all post offices will have 12 positions and 11 will be closed.
And, indeed, we're bringing out a new GP0 edition of the Kamasutra.
It has 186 positions and 185 of them are closed.
But it doesn't end there.
Postal services.
We are going to guarantee two deliveries.
March 12th and September 18th.
Now, these new services will not, of course, interfere with the regular mail van robberies.
And, by the way By the way, some stamps have come up with very interesting defects which makes them very valuable.
Now, there we are.
See if you can spot it.
Yes, that's it.
Too big to go on the envelope.
Telephones.
The GP0 helps you to make new friends all over the country whenever you try to dial Birmingham.
In fact, by direct dialling, you can now get wrong numbers all over Europe.
Remember, if you're having trouble, ask for the long-distance call girl.
Now, where does this get us? (Electronic wolf whistle) You see? Now, note the new, agreeable ringing tone on the latest phone receiver.
This is part of the whole new range of wonderful tones we're introducing.
Now one is so high that only dogs can hear it.
So if you can train your dog to answer the telephone, get one of those.
There it is now.
Hello.
Fido? No, he's out.
I'm sorry.
Now, today you can dial almost anything.
I've just dialled for the sports news, the weather and today's recipe.
There was a slight crossed line but I can tell you that the south of England will be simmered slowly in light rain at 20 minutes to the pound at a temperature of 97 for three and the outlook is warm with parsley sauce, regulo seven, West Ham two with occasional roast potatoes.
(Quacking) Hello, Ducks.
Yes, I've told you not to phone me at work, Ducks.
But what about vandals? Well, we are introducing a new vandal-proof phone box.
Now, here is a photo of some of them on Salisbury Plain.
There we are.
- Now, at any moment Ah, yes.
- (Big Ben chimes) I've been expecting this call.
This happens at the same time every night.
Hello.
No, I'm not wearing a frilly black nightie, you disgusting pervert.
Try later tonight.
By the way, this is the new GP0 hammer.
I'll tell you what it's for later.
Now, parcels.
Well, we take great care of parcels.
If your parcel is breakable and precious, the GP0 have to stamp it fragile.
There we are.
Er Here is the new standard GP0 parcel.
From now on, all goods will be specially designed to fit these parcels.
You'll be surprised how much you can send.
Here, for instance, here is a football, you see.
Football.
And here we have a grand piano.
There we have a bicycle wheel.
(Mooing) That's the wife, silly cow.
Now you know what the hammer's for.
Lastly, the problem of unwanted mail.
Now, a lady in Brondesbury writes, "I'm worried.
Today I received a very frank pamphlet "entitled, Seven Ways 0f Getting Pregnant through my letterbox.
" Well, Mrs S Well, Mrs S, we have checked on this and there are only three ways of getting pregnant through your letterbox.
So keep your pecker up.
0h, that's four ways, that's four ways.
Well, there you have it.
0h, five.
So, if you want to send your new born baby a telegram for his hundredth baby, you'd better start queuing now.
Good night.
Victorian London continued to be outraged by terrible attacks and shocking confrontations during those dark, autumnal days of 1898.
(Raspberry) 0oh! Help me.
I've never been so ooh.
The police seemed powerless but they were tireless in their efforts to trap the assailant.
Even Mr Disraeli had recently become the victim of an attack.
My wallet.
Now, the scene moves to Chiswick.
An amateur cameraman captured this unique piece of evidence in an increasingly bizarre affair.
The latest victim was the dowager Duchess of Arc in broad daylight, on the towpath of the river.
The duchess was rendered unconscious by a series of gigantic raspberries and, as she lay senseless, the fiend tattooed a raspberry on each of her knees.
Then he left her drifting helplessly in the Thames.
This time, the Home Office stepped in.
(Big splash) Scores of suspects were rounded up.
Finally, the numbers were whittled down to one man.
Yes, this looks like the man.
Sergeant Bowles, will you organise an identity parade? Sir.
I, I never did nuffink.
Nuffink? Nuffink? What a terrible way to speak.
- Where did you go to school? - 'Arrow.
I thought as much.
Right.
Come on in.
In you come.
That's it.
0ver there.
Sergeant Bowles, are they all genuine passers-by? - No, I got them at Harrods, sir.
- Good thinking.
- Bowles, er, bring in the duchess.
- Yes, sir.
That's the man.
No.
I'm the inspector.
Corner of the Yard.
(Laughs) Many's the time.
Before we proceed, your Grace, I understand the fiend tattooed parts of your body.
- May we see them? - Certainly.
- Er, Bowles, assist her grace.
- Yes, sir.
(Corner) 0h, yes.
Genuine raspberries.
And I speak as a gardener.
Quite in the middle of the knee, there.
Yes.
They shall have to be photographed as evidence.
My knees? Are they important? 0f course they are, my dear.
0therwise, your legs wouldn't bend in the middle.
- Sergeant Bowles, you can put them away.
- Sir.
Your grace, would you choose one of these men from this line here, please? - Just one? - Er, one will be enough.
It's very difficult to tell.
Very difficult.
They all look so alike.
I can't.
But perhaps if I heard the noise once again.
Very well, then.
Sergeant Bowles, would you organise a noise test, please? - (Corner) Number one.
- Number one.
No.
No, no.
Number two.
It was a little farther west than that, I think.
Number three.
Definitely not.
- Number four.
- 0h.
Er, oh - Not sure.
- Number four once more.
0oh, really.
I oh (Deep raspberry) 0h, dear, this is a gross violation of individual liberty.
0h, dear.
0h, dear.
0h, dear.
In the weeks that followed, the phantom relentlessly continued his attacks on the aristocracy.
Inevitably, the news filtered through to the darkest corners of the far flung empire, including Buckingham Palace.
Tempers were short, nerves were frayed in the royal household.
On the morning of November 12th, Edward VII, then Prince of Wales, was arguing with his royal mother Queen Victoria.
0h, for heaven's sake, Edward, sit down.
I will not have you disobeying orders.
You will stay at home.
0h, Mama, why will you never let me do anything? You never allow me to do anything.
You treat me as if I were a child.
What's the point of being Edward, Prince of Wales, if I'm never allowed to do anything? 0h, please, Edward, please.
What is it you want to do? I thought I might go out and look for conkers.
No, you will not leave this palace, not with this terrible phantom gooseberry sucker about.
Raspberry blower, Mama.
Well, whatever it is, it's fruity.
And anything fruity is never to be trusted.
My dear Albert would have nothing to do with anything fruity.
They named a pear after him.
Well, they named a potato after you.
What does that prove? It doesn't mean you've got to stuff yourself with chips.
Why do you want to go out? Why don't you find yourself a nice girl, a nice Jewish girl, bring her home, meet your mother? Eh? I make some cheesecake, though it's fattening.
We'll get fat together.
Have a chat, a little laugh, maybe play a little gin rummy - Mama, you're not Jewish.
- Not Jewish.
Not Jewish, he says.
- Why don't you meet somebody? - You're not Jewish.
You're not Jewish.
I tell you, you're not Jewish.
I'm sorry, Edward.
It's the effect of my mixed blood.
- What were you saying? - The phantom raspberry blower, Mama.
0h, yes.
Mr Gladstone said it could be almost anybody.
And almost everyone else says it could be Mr Gladstone.
Nonsense.
Just because he prowls around late at night, talking to ladies of the street.
- What's wrong with that? - Nothing.
- I think that's what I'll do.
- No, Edward, please.
Sit down.
- Now, what about this game? - 0h, very well, very well.
What do you want? Go on, bust me for a shilling.
I've won.
I've won your money.
Come on, pay up.
0h.
(Raspberry) Edward.
Edward.
That noise, was that you? - Yes, I - You.
It, it can't be.
What do you mean? What are you staring at me like that for, Mama? Answer me.
Answer me.
Is it possible? Could it be that our own Edward, Prince of Wales, is the dreaded monster? Someone so near to the dear Queen.
If this is so, then nothing at all can stand in the way of the phantom raspberry blower of old London town.
Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dickson.
# Day after day I'm more confused # But I look for the light through the pouring rain # I know it's a game that I hate to lose # I'm feeling the strain # Ain't it a shame? # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # Give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # Beginning to think that I'm wasting time # And I don't understand the things I do # The world outside looks so unkind # Now it's up to you # To carry me through # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # Give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # When my mind is free # You know melody can move me # And when I'm feeling blue # The guitar's coming through to soothe me # Thanks for the joy that you're giving me # Now I want you to know I believe in the song # The rhythm, the rhyme and the harmony # You help me along # You're making me strong # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # And drift away # (Applause) # 0h, give me the beat boys and free my soul # I wanna get lost in the rock and roll # Well, I've seen him.
Yeah, very probably.
I've seen the doctor 'bout my problem.
Suppose he said take two aspirins and call him in the morning if you weren't feeling better? He says the cure for my problem is love.
That's the cure for everybody's problem.
You don't need a doctor to tell you that.
He says I need to have love at least seven times a week.
- How many? - Seven.
At least.
Well, put me down for two.
Now, here is the late news.
Senator Grunsden, a candidate for the United States presidency complained today that, just because he likes to do down to his Carolina poultry farm, help with the harvest and preserve his beetroots, that doesn't make him a cotton-picking, chicken-plucking pickle-dipper.
Complaints were made following the chefs' annual fancy-dress ball last night.
It seems a woman dressed in gooseberries and cream made improper suggestions to a man dressed in cake and sherry.
She made a proper fool of herself and got a trifle excited.
And after a marriage lasting only seven days, a newspaper editor's wife has filed a petition for divorce on the grounds that he is too small a type, she's become bored with his special features and he refuses to give her a late-night extra.
A man who broke into Brigitte Bardot's bedroom and laid his hands on her jewellery has been found guilty but insane.
Now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett who has made a lot of money on the greyhounds as a jockey.
- Mind how you go.
- Thank you.
(Bell rings) Four candles.
Four candles? There you are.
Four candles.
No.
Four candles.
Well, there you are.
Four candles.
No.
Fork 'andles.
'Andles for forks.
Thought you were saying four candles.
There you are.
- Er, got any plugs? - Plugs? - Yeah.
- Plugs? What kind of plugs? A rubber one.
Bathroom.
What size? 13 amp.
That's electric plugs.
Electric bathroom plugs you call them in the trade.
Electric bathroom plugs.
All right? - Sortips? - Sore tips? What d'you want, ointment or something like that? What d'you mean? No, saw tips for covering the saws.
Tips.
- 0h.
No, we haven't got any.
Haven't got any.
- 0h.
Coming in but none at the moment.
- Got any 'ose? - '0se? - '0se.
- '0se.
No.
'0se.
'0se.
I thought you meant 'oes.
- '0se.
- '0se.
When you said 'ose, I thought you said 'oes.
Hose.
I thought he said hoes, he meant hose.
There y'are.
No.
'0se.
Hose? Well, that 0h, you mean pantyhose, pantyhose.
No, no.
0's, 0's, 0's for the gate.
Mon Repose.
0's.
- Letter 0's.
- Letter 0's.
Hose, there, I thought you meant.
- How many d'you want? - Two.
Two.
A'right? - Yeah? Next? - Got any P's? Gawd's sake, why didn't you bleeding tell me that when I'm up the stairs, there? I'm up the stairs already.
I'm up and down the shop all the time.
I've got all this shop, up and down in here.
You could tell me when I'm planning things.
Save my legs.
(Mutters) How many d'you want? No.
Tins of peas.
Three tins of peas.
You're having me on, aren't you? You're having me on, eh? - There we are.
Right.
- Pumps.
- Pumps.
- Pumps.
Hand pumps, foot pumps? Come on.
- Foot pumps.
- Foot pumps.
Foot pumps.
Can't see any foot pumps.
0h.
Must tidy up in here.
There we are.
No.
Pumps for your feet.
Brown pumps, size nine.
- You are definitely having me on.
- No, I'm not.
I'm not.
- I'm not.
- You are.
- Washers.
- What? Windscreen washers, car washers, dishwashers, floor washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners, floor washers? - Half-inch washers.
- 0h, tap washers.
Tap washers.
- Yeah.
- I've had enough of this.
Give us that list.
I'll get it all myself down here.
What's this? What's that? 0h, that does it.
That does I've had just about enough of this.
Mr Jones! Come out and serve this customer, please.
I have had enough of this.
Look what he's got on there.
Look what he's got on there.
Right.
How many would you like? 0ne or two? Thank you very much.
Before, before I start whatever I'm going to talk about, I must apologise for a joke I'm going to tell you, you know, which is not very funny.
Now, no, so I'll just have to, I'll have to ask you to believe that I'm only obeying orders, you know, cos if I don't, I could find myself back doing guest appearances on Magic Roundabout.
And it can get pretty hot in that Dougal skin, I can tell you.
I know what you're thinking.
Here he goes, making a feeble excuse to tell another old joke.
Actually, I suppose that's a little bit presumptuous of me cos you might be thinking something else, altogether.
You might be thinking, "Shall I wear my blue hat when Auntie Ethel is ordained on Friday?" Or you might be thinking, "When Kojak shaves, where does he actually start?" So, so before you defect to the other side, let me explain that just before the other show started, I was having a chat with the producer, you know.
Well, to be honest, we all draw lots before the programme and the loser has a chat with the producer.
Well, it makes him feel, sort of, you know, part of the team.
Anyway Anyway, he said to me, "Er, what are you doing for your, er, for your little bit of nonsense? "What are you doing for your little bit of nonsense tonight?" He's quite educated, you know, but a bit thick, so you have to Would you believe that he studied medicine for four years and decided it was nasty stuff you take on a spoon? Then he said, he said, "Why don't you, er, why don't you tell that joke I told you "about the lady with the little continental car with the engine in the rear?" I said, "Well, frankly, Terry, I mean, I don't really think it's all that funny.
" He said, "Well, they loved it at the squash club.
" He said, "They loved it at the squash club.
" He belongs to this club, you know.
Every Saturday night, they buy a bottle of squash.
He said, "If you know what's good for you, you'll do as you're told," he said.
"Remember," he said, "you still have relations in Welwyn Garden City.
So I am going to tell you a rather interesting I am going to tell you a rather interesting little story about a housewife who has just bought one of those little continental motorcars and the first morning, she drives down to the supermarket and, by the way, that is the only thing I do like about the joke.
It's got the common touch, you know.
There's a housewife and a small car, a supermarket and a crash and it's all very No, there isn't.
No, there's nothing like that.
Nothing like that in this story.
I'm mixing it up, actually, with the one about the lady driver, you know, who knocked over a dog that ran out into the middle of the pavement.
(Laughter) Well, I suppose It's natural, really, because I did it because I was a bit upset about my wife getting a summons yesterday for parking on the pavement.
A bit upset.
Actually, she wasn't parked on the pavement.
She was passing a bus on the nearside when she ran out of petrol.
Anyway, there is our housewife driving down to the supermarket, you see.
Vrum.
Vum-vum.
Little bit of driving, there, you know.
Just gives the story a bit of authenticity.
Brrr.
Nothing's too much trouble, you know.
I mean, if you, if you don't like the joke, you can applaud the effort, can't you? Vrum.
So she pulls up outside the supermarket.
Actually this is not the best chair.
It's not the best chair for car jokes cos you can't reach the handbrake.
Anyway, when she's done her shopping, she comes out and it won't start.
Well, the time she's taken in there, it's probably run out of petrol.
So There she is.
Chug chug.
Chug chug.
Ch Nothing.
Nothing.
"0h, dear," she thinks.
"I knew I should have bought a British car and not one of these continentals.
" Little plug for British exports, you know.
There'll be no sleep at British Leylands tonight.
So she cleans, so she cleans the wing mirrors, empties the ash tray.
Chug chug chug.
Chug chug chug.
Still nothing.
So she says to herself, "Perhaps it's something to do with the engine," you know.
"Perhaps the lead has come off the prudential or" "or the, or the overdraft is stuck.
" So she opens the bonnet.
A lady down here believes she's got an overdraft, don't you? She opens the bonnet, of course there's nothing in there but a spare wheel.
"Good heavens," she said.
"Someone's pinched the engine.
" "Where are the old values? Bring back national service "and what happened to capital punishment "and the crusty white loaf and?" Now, I don't know why she said that but she did.
And, just as she did, another lady who had just parked her own car came over and said, "May I be of some assistance, my dear?" she said.
"May I be of some assistance? What seems to be the trouble?" "Well," she said, "I've parked my car here while I slipped into the supermarket "to get a cod's head for the cat.
"My husband is thinking of doing a transplant.
"Upon my return, the car won't start.
Well, when I opened the bonnet, there's no engine.
"Some miscreant has made off with the works.
" The other lady said, "Well, bless my soul.
They'll take anything these days.
"My husband blames the Labour government and the free orange juice.
" Anyway She said, "But don't worry, your troubles are over "because my car over there is exactly the same model as this one "and I've a spare engine in the boot.
You can have that.
" Now.
Hey! (# Upbeat classical) # Me and Mrs Higginbottom come here every morning to look after the band # Scrub the stage and empty out the kettle drums # And polish the conductor's stand # Rain or shine, we're always at the ready and we're never lackadaisical or hateful # Where else could you meet so many fellas? # We are just a pair of scrubbers who are grateful # Look at them, they look so charming # Some of them are quite alarming # When they play their obbligato # Half of them are pizzicatoed # Trombones, like gravel, have always quite excited me # I love to travel # I'm more of a French horn girl, you see # Sun-kissed nights on the Mediterranean # Pillow fights with a randy Romanian # Catching romance when it falls # In the orchestra stalls # Me and Mrs Higginbottom love it when we get put on these orchestra jobs # My first husband used to play the organ # So I've always quite liked twiddling knobs # I can claim no musical connections # Though I used to have an uncle in the woodwind # - 0h.
- # But he would eat radishes for supper # And was consequently not a very good wind # Every week we work till Sunday # Have it off then back on Monday # Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday # Keeping the performance tidy # Sometimes there are times when I would like a go myself # I could make music with anyone off the bottom shelf # So when they go for their tea break # Here's the kind of sound that we make # Let the work go hang # While we both have a bang (Playing along with orchestra) # Camden town, my Camden town # High-rise flats so gay # That's where I met Harry Brown # In a flat in Camden town # Tell 'em, girl.
# Now they're going to pull 'em down # 0h, what a disgrace # That's what Harry tried to do # But I slapped his face # - Come on, then! - # Camden town, my Camden town # All my childhood dreams # We could live on half a crown # No one seemed to wear a frown # Now all sad and tumbled down # But you'll always be # Camden town, my Camden town # You are home to me # (Wheezy whistle) (High-pitched melody) # You'll always be # Camden town, my Camden town # You are home # To # Me # (Applause) Well, that's all for this week but here are two items of late news.
We've just heard that British Leyland strikers have been fitting silencers to motor horns and now the cars don't give a hoot, either.
And we've heard from a very disappointed guest at the Charles Dickens Society's annual nudist weekend.
He had great expectations but it was a very bleak house and everybody laughed at his little dorrit.
That's all we've got time for so it's good night from me.
- And it's good night from him.
- (Both) Good night.