Workaholics s05e03 Episode Script

Hey, guys, come on.
[Panting.]
We need a doctor! We need a doctor! Stay with us, man.
Oh, dude, this would suck so bad if you died.
The Ders! He's unleashed The Ders! Any minute.
Man, I swear I saw three out here yesterday.
No way.
- Must have been a family.
- Or a gang.
Squirrel gangs are a real thing.
No, it's true.
I saw a squirrel get busted into a squirrel gang.
- Jumped in, sure.
- Maybe he's getting jumped out.
- They do both.
- That's true.
Hey, do your squirrel call.
Let's get some action.
Oh yeah, here you go.
[High-pitched whinnying.]
Here you go.
Put it in the box.
Thank you, sir.
I'll check it.
- Looks like we're getting full.
- Oh, my God.
- You see those mailman calves? - I hate that man.
He comes over here.
"Here, take the mail.
" It's your job to put it in the box, man.
- Oh, hey, big naturals.
- Nice.
You like that.
Automo-bills.
Ders! Hey, check it out.
You've got mail from Crank Yankers.
I wonder if I'm still banned in all AOL chatrooms.
Chuck it, man.
I don't need it.
What are you talking about? You didn't even open it, man.
Could be a signed set photo from booty call.
Jamie Foxx? Didn't you ask him for one? Yes, I did, but that's not what it is.
Hey, man, come on! Don't open that! Ooh, Irvine Central High School Alumni Swim Meet.
See, I knew it'd be something you like.
I'm not going, and I never will.
Whoa, attitude.
Dude! Why aren't we going to a place? I'm not going because the guy who runs the event, Troy Torpey, got me voted off the state relay team in high school.
Okay, that doesn't seem right.
How could he do that? He told everyone on the team that I got a boner in the showers in the locker room, which isn't true.
So what? You got a boner in the shower.
- No, I didn't! - I get boners all the time.
I actually have one right now.
Peeping this hog.
This monster.
Peep this hog.
You actually can't see it right now because it's so small.
Anyways, dude, it's all good.
This is your chance to go back and show all those pricks from high school what an awesome dude you've become, man.
Jocks, they peak in high school, all right? But nerds, they become Skrillex.
Hey, guys, I was kidding, I've got a huge one.
Like, I wasn't in either of those groups in high school.
- I - me either.
- I, like, did my own thing.
- Right, exactly.
You just sit in the corner.
You watch them.
You study them.
You learn how to laugh on cue.
[Forced laughter.]
Yes! We would have been best friends in high school.
Best friends! Believe it! [Laughter.]
We would have been best friends in high school.
- Sorry, Blake.
- I don't care.
- Yeah, you do.
- No.
No, no.
No, it's not a problem.
I mean, I hung out with a bevy of ladies at lunch.
- The lunch ladies, right? - Oh, well, you know.
We would just kind of hang out in the cafeteria 'cause they were lunch ladies.
We would just sling taco boats no, we know the story of the lunch ladies.
No, but they had the stories, okay? - These girls had jokes! - The lunch ladies.
Yes, I worked in the cafeteria.
They were lunch friends to me.
Ders, we are going to that dumb, stupid, horrible-sounding swim thing, and you are gonna go up to torpey, and you're gonna say, "we're not in high school anymore," and you're gonna prove to him that you are the freaking top dog of them all, besides me.
All right, okay.
Let's do it.
- I'm gonna go pack my speedos.
- All right! Wait, wait, wait, whoa! We were watching squirrels, though.
Yes, we were.
I'm sorry, I just back to the squirrels again.
Both: back to the squirrels again Back to the squirrels again, back to the squirrels again We're looking at squirrels In the front yard this is about to be so cool.
I'm so pumped, dude.
Ders is gonna kill it.
Yeah, I'm excited.
Hey, do you remember how we used to always crank it to Ders' old yearbooks? Yeah, absolutely.
Hottest high school ever.
The hottest! Yeah, I was always into Aurora Brown, and then I got into Laura Rocca for a while, but now I found this new chick, this banging black chick on Ders' swim team, that I've been peeping, and I've really been building something very special with her.
It's, like, more than masturbation.
It's, like, deeper.
So, like, you don't even masturbate to her? No, I do, but it's, like, deeper.
I get it, man.
I mean, that whole swim team is stacked, dude.
They're a good-looking crew.
Yeah, there's, like, that Asa Akira-looking Asian chick? - Mama! - Ooh! - She's got my jeans steaming.
- Oh, I freaking I love chicks.
All these chicks are about to be at this party today, man! They're definitely gonna be there today.
That's why I'm so freaking psyched and pumped.
Guys, I'm gonna ship out, so wish me luck.
Actually, we were gonna go with, if it's cool.
All right, cool! - All right! - Yes! All right, cool.
I actually feel I need to change.
I feel like I'm a little underdressed.
Yeah, me, too.
You got to have the perfect outfit for these type of occasions.
Ders, are you ready to hiyah! This torpey dude or what? - You know it, man.
- Sick, man.
Oh, wait up, before we go in there, just keep an eye on me and Adam, 'cause we're not the strongest swimmers.
- I'm very drown-able.
- Okay.
And, you know, the deep end, it just will scare the chum out of me, - if you know what I mean.
- Semen.
No, 'rhea.
Oh, when I get really scared, I secrete semen.
- It's true.
- You'll be fine, okay? If you fall in, just don't panic, and remember here, I'll just quick lesson: "Hov," right, to "hanging with Mr.
Cooper," and then up for an "Asian girl laughing.
" Oh, yeah, I know about that.
- Hov! - Hov! Hanging with Mr.
Cooper.
Asian girl laughing.
Hov.
Hanging with Mr.
Cooper.
Asian girl laughing.
Oh, ay, chihuahua.
She-Hulk's got a ride.
Oh, my God, you guys, it's my dream girl from high school.
- What? - Magda Marzuski! - Nice escalade.
- Oh, thanks.
Actually, it's Magda Torpey now.
What? Anders Boner-vik.
- Look at you.
- Oh.
Troy Torpey-nis.
- Tor-penis? - Yeah.
That's funny, dude.
I'm just messing around.
You look good.
Obviously you remember Magda.
Say hello to the little monsters she bore for me, Declan and Caleb.
You better believe I got them in the pool too.
Declan just took down the last Chas Morton ten and under N.
A.
G.
record in Orlando.
No kidding.
Orlando, fast pool.
We should race if you're up for it.
All right, Caleb, Declan, hold your breath.
Start now, exercises.
Two, three, four.
Oh, my God, you guys, he's still the man.
I can't do this.
Ders, it's fine.
He's just handsome and rich and banging Magda, The "Lady Rock" Johnson, and you have Blake, what does Ders have? Ders, you have lips.
Anyway, just think about that write-off.
It's a write-off.
Yeah, my life's pretty sweet these days also.
Chef Ders is cooking up some tangy treats.
What's that? You were talking about your life out there, so I was just gonna Oh, right, right.
- So where was I? - I was anyway, so I got sick of running the hedge fund, and I met Ryan Lochte at Golden Goggles.
He's on the board at USA swimming.
- No way.
- So now I'm Lochte's money guy.
- What? - Making investments.
Chasing sponsorships.
He's the one who came up with the term "j'yeah!" What? Oh, well, hey.
You ever hear "tight butthole"? I came up with that.
I'm not sure I get it, but you and buttholes make sense.
[Both laugh.]
You are so funny.
Hey, would you mind grabbing me that drink? Oh, of course.
God, I wish Magda'd let me do anal.
She says it's unnatural.
No offense to you and your buddies.
I prefer Snatch anyway, and she can go all night.
"Snatch.
" I'm not ashamed to say I got to pop a couple Viagra just to keep up.
- Oh, yeah.
- Voila.
Thank you.
Anyway, it was really great catching up with you, man.
- Cheers.
- Yeah.
All right, you kiddos ready to go get stretched out? You gonna win this one? Oh, there's my girl.
Excuse me.
Miss Cruz? - Yeah? - Sorry for being so formal.
It's just an honor to meet you.
I'm friends with one of the alumni swimmers here, and I've been admiring your photo in the yearbook for quite some time now.
You mean, like, pictures of me as a kid? Yeah, and may I say you still look very young.
In a good way.
You still look very young, but cutting to the chase, like a Ginsu, I was just wondering if maybe you would like to accompany me to a Sushi dinner.
I love eating sashimi, but I would rather eat sashi-you.
Ooh, not really into Sushi.
Thanks, though, and I'm not Japanese, if that's what you're doing.
Yeah.
No, it was.
Sorry, I blew that.
Oh, hey! So, Adam, what's up? This is my girl, Sherry.
- This is my ninja, Adam.
- Your girl? But this is [R&B music.]
You're messing with the same girl - Same girl - Same girl How could the love of my life And my potential wife be the - The same girl - Same girl - Same girl - Just I can't believe Break the grip! Break the grip! [Shouts.]
Okay.
Ow! Adam, you're hurting me! Okay? Not in front of my girl.
Your girl? More like my girl.
I'm the macaulay culkin of this situation.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about the movie My Girl! With the little girl, loves Macaulay Culkin so much she gets stinged by a ton of bees and dies.
- I thought he died.
- I don't know! I haven't seen the movie in a long time! It's besides the point, man.
I thought you told me that your chick was a black girl, dude.
Yeah, and that girl is super black.
She's a super black beauty.
And you said your girl was Asian, and that is now what she looks like.
- She is Hey, Sherry? - Sherry? What are you? - Excuse me? - Your ethnicity.
Yeah, your background.
Like, your genetic buildup.
- Jesus, Filipino.
- Ha, that's Asian! - That is Asian.
- On my dad's side.
- My mother is black.
- Yes, okay, yeah.
And half-black equals full black, and that's not my rule; That's society's rule.
That's why Drake can say the n-word a million times, and everyone's like, "I love this song.
I want to dance to this song.
I want to slow grind to it.
" It's because he's Canadian.
That's why he can say it.
It means something different in their language.
I don't think that is the case.
Look, she's obviously valuing both of her Filipino and black heritage equally, so if anything, she's a full-bodied Pinot noir.
Okay, I'm offended.
She's not a gross, alcoholic wine drink for adults.
She is a chocolate-colored human being, you racist fuck.
- That was offensive.
- No, I'm offended.
- That was offensive.
- How was that offensive? Chocolate? - It's a delicious treat.
- That is true.
Okay, so that wasn't racist.
Sherry, let's go get some Roscoe's! Okay.
Hey, everybody, I just want to say a few words real quick before the meet gets started.
First of all, thank you all for showing up here today.
I really appreciate getting everybody back together, and we've raised a lot of money for this high school team, so - You ready? - Now I am.
Give yourselves a round of applause.
Thank you, yes.
So fun to see everybody.
It's especially fun to see our once missing-in-action Anders Holmvik! He's back! He's here, ready to shine! Let's give it up for The Ders! - Thanks for coming, Ders.
- Thank you.
Why don't you get up here and say a few words, Ders? - Nah.
- Get on up here.
Come on, we want to hear from you.
Our old pal, Ders.
Let's give it up.
- Yeah, get them, Ders! - Ders, doggy! - Woof! - Good to see you again.
Tell us what's on your mind.
Man, just like you said, good to see everyone, and let's have some fun, just like old times, huh? It will be just like old times, yeah, 'cause you got a boner! - You got a boner! - No, stop it! Look at that! Look at that! I don't have a boner! - It's not bad, actually.
- Why does this keep happening? - He's got a decent one.
- It's super hard.
I slipped you some Viagra in that drink earlier.
I did.
I did.
You've been Torpedoed.
- There he goes.
- Yo! Where you going with all our booze, bud? Maybe we ought to see if Ders needs some alone time, 'cause I'm gonna stick right around here.
Hey! Sherry, what's up? About that Roscoe's, I was thinking maybe we'd get it to go, take it to where you stay at.
I don't even know you two, so why would I even consider going out to dinner with either of you two idiots? I already told you.
We know you from the yearbook.
No, I don't.
I swam for another school.
Wow, big deal, all right? So what? He knows how to swim.
So do I.
Check it out.
Hov.
Hanging with Mr.
Cooper.
Both: Asian girl laughing.
Hov.
Hanging with Mr.
Cooper.
That's not a thing.
No, it's a thing.
It's, like, a swim stroke.
Yeah, I mean, Ders taught it to us, so it's got to be real.
Oh, okay, you're friends of Anders.
I'm not.
Stop lying to her, man.
Just tell her you know her from the yearbook, just like me, all right? Oh, and while you're at it, why don't you tell her about your little relationship with Aurora Brown? I don't crank it to her anymore, and you know that.
Okay, since when? Okay, 'cause I can't get serious with a sophomore.
That's social suicide.
[Screaming.]
- The Ders.
- The Ders.
- I just said that.
- Oh, did you? I didn't hear you.
The Ders.
Look at all these shotgun shells, man.
He's been slamming them like no other human I've ever seen.
Except for me, but to your point, I'm not fully human.
My Uncle, he was a zookeeper.
[Shouting.]
The Ders! [Burping.]
It should be my name on that banner! Whoa, hey.
Spiders, man.
Why don't you swoop on down here, buddy? Very safely, though, please.
Yeah, why do you worry so much about banners, dude? Drake's not rapping about banners.
- You're really into Drake, huh? - He's, like, a real talent.
I just found out about him, and he raps about trophies.
[Burping.]
I could just put my name on it, right? I'll just pull it down and cross off torpey's name and make everything all right.
If you do that, you're gonna destroy yourself, and actually, that'd be awesome to watch, so I vote yes.
No, Anders, okay, if you can hear me, if you're even in there anymore, just come down, dude.
We can fix this.
I am fixing this.
[Shouting.]
[All shouting indistinctly.]
I got it! [Laughs.]
- Oh, my God! - Yes, The Ders! Yeah.
Yes! That could have gone way worse.
Don't look down.
'Cause you have an entire trophy sticking out of your flubber.
Oh, my God! - What do I do? - Just relax, dude.
My Uncle Bobby actually impaled himself with a fire poker one Christmas.
He had it in there until new year's.
Okay, so leave it in.
- Yeah, he's fine now.
- No, no, he's dead.
They found him dead new year's day, 'cause of the fire poker.
We need a doctor! We need a doctor.
Stay with us.
The Ders is unleashed! Stay awake.
Stay awake! You are heavy, you fat fuck! Is there a doctor in the house? Come on, Dersie, we're gonna take you to the hospital.
That's one way to get a trophy.
What are you doing? What did you just say? I said that's one way to get a trophy, and it is.
I'll kick your ass right now.
At swimming.
I will kick your ass at swimming.
One on one, 50 free.
Oh, God.
I hate these.
No, no, no, no, actually, I love it.
I needed a nap.
I'm very tired.
Zinger.
I think you should definitely not race and go immediately to the hospital.
How convenient! Right after I challenge you, you tell me to do that.
Not happening, honky.
Bitch.
Okay, let's do this.
Let's do this right now.
- Who's calling this? - I'll call it, baby.
Put that hammer down.
[Cheers and applause.]
On your marks - Oh, God.
- Ders? Is somebody gonna go and save him? Yes, Adam, he's the swimmer, right? Go.
Go save him, man.
He's actually dying! Would you just go and save your friend? Fine, I'll be a hero, save a man's life.
What's new? No, no, no, actually, I'm gonna be a hero too, even though it is the deep end, so no! [Both shouting indistinctly.]
- Help! - It's not working! Help! I'll save Holmvik! [Both shouting.]
Oh, my God.
Come on, come on! Are you guys kidding me? They're not even drowning! [Both laugh.]
Jerks! Ders, don't die.
[Coughing.]
Get off of me! Get off of me! - Hey.
- How are you doing? - Are you all right? - What are you guys doing? You guys got to get him to a hospital! Hey, torpey.
I did get a boner that day in the showers.
- In high school.
- I know.
But I want to know what's up with you kissing a dude here today in front of all these people? Right, guys? You see him? He was kissing Ders.
What's up with that, right? - He's still got it! - Huh? - Yeah.
- He just saved your life, man.
- What? - Yes, he did.
- Let's get you out of here.
- I just don't remember.
[Both talking at once.]
I thought he was kissing me.
Later, Tor-penis.
[All jeering and shouting.]
Oh, man, these pain pills are kicking in right about now.
You got to eat something before, bud.
Sherry Cruz.
Yeah, the one that got away.
She doesn't know what she's missing, man.
She really doesn't, man.
She missed out on some good guys.
- Yeah! - Well, whatever.
- Oh, look at Allison fields.
- Oh! - Oh, my gosh.
- Holy Moley.
- I'm into that.
- I'm calling dibs right now.
You can't do that, because I'm the one who actually pointed her out.
- Squirrel, squirrel! - There's a squirrel! - A squirrel! - Oh, no! I want to see the squirrel! There's a squirrel right there! Oh, all right.
What's he doing? I want to go see it.
Is he eating the hot dog off my trophy? - Both: Yeah.
- Yeah! Oh, it's a little baby girl squirrel! Oh, look, it's eating it! Look at its big, bushy tail.
Oh, it's so cute.
It's Oh, why is it looking at me like that? - What is that look in its eyes? - Oh, Blake.
- It's chasing me, Blake! - No! - It's chasing me! - Adam, drop the hot dog! [Both shouting.]
The gangs are real! Blake, save him! Help him! Oh, they're wearing matching bandanas! Oh, my God!