Workin' Moms (2017) s05e03 Episode Script

1 (GASPS) (MOANS) - (GASPS) - Is it in? I still can't feel it.
Ah! Oh! How does this tiny body have such a massive cavern? (BOTH MOAN) Ohhh! Look at that dumb face.
Ah! You're gonna cum, aren't you? - No.
- Mm-hmm.
(MOANS) Oh, get off, get off, get-aaah! Ohh! Is that it? You should drink some water.
(LAUGHS) Honestly, fuck you.
Oh! I wish somebody would.
(BOTH LAUGH) Okay, I gotta get Zoe to school.
I'll get breakfast, you get the bags.
- Yep, duh, I got it.
- Okay.
- So I'll see you at work? - Maybe you will, - maybe you won't.
- Hmm! Hey, do you think anyone knows yet? I don't know.
I caught Arden staring a few times while I was on your floor.
Ugh.
Arden stares at everyone.
Apparently she was home-schooled, - so we can't say anything.
- Hmm.
Scram, you pervs! (SCOFFS) These are all Wynston Publishing? They have some really great titles.
Ugh! Take 'em.
Huh? Really? You don't need these? I think I'm pulling out of the Wynston Publishing running.
- Why? You said it went well! - Having slept on it, something about last night left a bad taste in my mouth.
Speaking of which ugh! Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you what the hell you've been eating.
Nathan thinks that if we eat like we're rabbits, - we'll live forever.
- Hm.
- Can you order me a bagel? - Yes.
- Don't tell Nathan.
- We hardly even talk anymore.
- Get outta here.
- Okay.
I'm just gonna take them all.
(CELL PHONE BUZZES) - Hey! - Kate, it's an emergency.
- What? What's wrong? - My life, that's what's wrong! - No, in Cochrane? Really? - Shut up.
My book is in the toilet, I'm starting my first day as a corporate counsellor in the most depressing office ever, in this armpit of a town, and - I am fucking pink! - Huh? There was a laundry incident.
Okay, well, I will admit, there is a tiny, very tiny, selfish part of me that's kinda delighted that you're not fully drinking the Cochrane Kool-Aid.
That is very selfish.
But there's a much better part of me, the larger part, by the way, like, 76 percent, that wants to reassure you that you're gonna be fine.
I don't think I can do it.
- You can do it.
- I don't wanna do it! Okay, well, you have to.
And it's not that bad.
I've been there, and it's not that bad.
Just uh, stare off in those beautiful mountains, and - keep your eye on the prize.
- What prize? The mountains.
Probably.
- I don't know.
- Sure.
- Sorry.
I love you.
- (BEEPS CALL OFF) Anne? She'll probably be fine.
(PILLS RATTLE) (CAP POPS) (PILLS RATTLE) (SIGHS) (FOOD SIZZLES) the fuck? Alice is making us breakfast.
Honey, I didn't even think you knew where the cutlery was.
I know woman things, Mom.
Well, I Shh! No! No! No! Do not ruin this.
When is the last time she did something nice for us? - Okay.
- Also, aren't we supposed to be practicing hands-off parenting? (SIGHS) You're right.
But it is my book, so technically, I'm right.
Mmm! Honey, this is so sweet of you to do all this for your mom's first day at her new job.
Look at my girls, adjusting to Cochrane life.
And this new boyfriend of yours, he's a great influence.
When do I get to meet this Bennett? Soon, I hope, because honestly Dad, I think you could learn a lot from him.
Sorry, what? Hey, you guys should be really happy.
Finally someone's instilling good values in me.
(RECEDING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CREAKS OPEN, SHUTS) God, she can be such a bitch.
You're the good one.
All right.
I'm sorry, but I have to pull out of the race.
But it doesn't mean we can't be best friends.
Or just any friends just call her, just say it.
- Alright, here we go.
- (CELL PHONE RINGS) SLOANE: Kate! I was just gonna call you.
- Am I shaking too much? - Huh? Uh hey-hey, look, um, Sloane, I'm sorry to do this, but Kate it'll be easier if I just talk.
You're hired.
Uh, h-hired? Because I I was actually gonna How's this? Too flaccid? - I'm sorry? - I'm in a private lagree.
I should bring you to this class.
It'll change your entire pelvic floor.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
You remember that idea you pitched? - Yeah.
- I greenlit it.
I'm just getting the final sign-offs now, - but it's looking like a go.
- Really? And I'm meeting with the app developer in an hour, can you make it? I need you there.
Gettin' awful close to the clam, there, Patricia.
So I'll have my boy send you the details? Uh, yeah.
I will be there.
(LAUGHS) Thank you.
Great! Now, what is it that you wanted? You called me.
Uh huh, I did.
I just thought we could, we could hang out some time, and um, last night was a great start to that, so thank you for that.
Yeah, it was pretty fun, right? - Okay! See you at the meeting.
- (CALL BEEPS OFF) Oh yeah! Go! Go! Go! Yeah, this app seems super unethical.
You buy the book, but you have to read the last chapter in the app.
What is unethical about that? As I'm sure you know, we have to be really careful around marketing that targets children.
Oh, please.
Well, that-we fully support that.
It sounds a lot like you want kids to make purchases on their parents' iPads without them knowing? - (LAUGHS) - Tomato, tomahto.
- Tomahto.
- I'm sorry, Sloane.
Maybe we can work together on a different angle? Should we go somewhere else, or How many employees do you have here? What, 20, 25? Yeah, give or take.
Why? Well, we've been looking for an in-house digital team at Wynston.
I'm sorry, what are you suggesting? Kevin, honey, try and keep up.
I believe she's trying to buy us out, sir.
I know what she's trying to do.
Is that what you're trying to do? Is that what you're trying to do? Well, I'm thinking about it.
I'm trying to decide if it's worth my time.
Uh so how would that work, exactly? - I am in such awe of you! - (LAUGHS) Seriously, I can't believe you bought the company! It's called throwing money at a problem.
So that's how you do it, huh? You just fuckin' do it! Well, when you're used to hearing "no," you get good at making "yes" happen for you.
I hear that! (CHUCKLES) - What? - Nothin'.
No, what'd I say? Seriously.
What is it? I just don't think that it's true for you in the same way that's true for me.
Shit, I did it.
I did white privilege, didn't I? I'm not here to give you a history lesson, Kate, but you're never not doing it.
- I'm sorry.
- You're not excused.
But, you know, buying a company from under a couple of white boys? That could move the needle.
Fuck it, let's have some fun.
(TRAFFIC RUMBLES) (STUDENT CHATTER IN THE DISTANCE) Here you are.
(STUDENTS SHOUT DISTANTLY) - You cold? - A little.
- (WINDOW RATTLES) - Here.
Thanks.
- What are you working on? - Ugh! Mr.
Niedermeyer's science homework.
More like Mr.
Niedermeyer's creative writing homework.
What? It's brainwashing.
All of it.
- What are you talking about? - Don't feel bad, a lot of people don't know about it.
But the truth is that my Dad would still have a job today if it weren't for people like Mr.
Nieder-liar promoting all this science fiction.
You know, we need to take a stand against this nonsense.
Really? You don't actually believe all of that doomsday global warming stuff that NiederLiar's always going on about, do you? I mean, I'm not sure.
It's all a hoax propagated by the Chinese to disrupt our industry.
I gave you my jacket because you were cold.
In September.
Global warming? I don't think so! Oh my God.
Hey, don't let that guy poison that pretty mind of yours.
- Look who it is! - Praise fuckin' be! - Under his eye! - (LOW NOTE BLASTS) Degenerates.
Wow.
This is gorgeous.
(SIGHS) But Jesus, so expensive.
Some things are worth it.
Uh hey, so I've been wanting to ask you, what's your appetite like for non-fiction parenting books? Honestly? Insatiable.
Parents will do anything to have their own ideas parroted back at them.
- No offense.
- No, not at all.
It's just-and I don't want to cross any lines here, but um, I do know someone who wrote a killer, just pfft fantastic parenting book.
Well, sure, let's set it up.
- Happy to read the manuscript.
- Really? Thank you! Ah, excuse me? Could you remove the security tag on this? I just wanna see how it feels on my arm.
Hey, ah, I'll be right back.
Um oh, no.
Oh, the dishwasher puts a filthy scum on everything.
(VOICE ECHOES, SLOWS DOWN) Which is dirtier than hand-washing, frankly.
I mean, just try and uh - Hey, are you asleep? - What? No.
Mm-mm.
Sorry.
Do you see this pattern in any other areas of your life? Yeah, 'cause uh, you know, a lot of stuff makes me crazy.
You know, like the weak fan in the bathroom.
- (VOICE ECHOES, SLOWS DOWN) - Yeah.
Because it's right by my desk, right, so I hear everything, and Claire has IBS, - so that's not great.
- (CELL PHONE BUZZES) You know what, Gerry, I am a corporate counselor, not a suggestion box.
So if there's nothing else, I really need to take this.
Yeah, I'll just put the rest in an e-mail.
- Great.
- (CELL PHONE BUZZES) Hey, my dude.
KATE: Shut up! I've got great news.
I just started working with Wynston Publishing, and I told them about your book, they wanna meet you! Really? What? They already passed.
Who passed? Some intern? Because I'm about to put your book in front of the head bitch in charge.
I uh, I ah (GROANS) - I don't know.
- What's wrong with you? Nothing! I just promised Lionel a year out here, and-and I just started this new job.
But this morning you were Just venting.
Ever heard of it? Look, it's just a meeting, okay? I'm sure we can do it by phone.
I just don't want to deal with the rejection anymore.
Okay? Everybody hates this book.
I don't even know if I like it anymore.
Now, hold on.
Anne, you don't Look, I'm sorry, I gotta go.
I'm really busy here.
- People need me here.
- KATE: Anne? (PHONE CLATTERS) (SIGHS) SALESWOMAN: How's it feel? You know, it's all right.
- What do you think? - Mm! I think it's gorgeous.
Yeah.
I'll take it.
- This is for you.
- Oh no, I I-I can't accept that.
You deserve a little thrill in your life.
When is the last time you ordered dessert? Got a massage? Pleasure yourself, Kate, because in the end, no one else is gonna do it for you.
(HUSHED) May I It's very pretty.
(PHONE RINGS) (DOOR CLICKS) - Did anyone see you? - Oh my God, relax! What, do you think you're gonna get arrested? I do work here.
(KNOCKING) Hey.
Oh! Right.
Did you sign for these already? - Awesome.
Thanks.
I get 'em.
- Oh! Why would you order me flowers to the office of our secret office romance, you dildo?! - Uh, Jenny, I - Wait.
These are for you? - Who the fuck is "A?" - Look, if you'd let me speak, I could've told you they weren't yours.
Who would send you flowers? Are you dying? (GRUNTS) Look, Jenny, um they're just from someone else.
Oh.
Right.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, I-I'm seeing other people, too.
- You are? - Yes.
I-I was just surprised, because what man gets flowers sent to him? Okay, so you're fine with us seeing other people? Yes.
- Totally fine.
- Okay.
Yeah, you're allowed to kiss and do whatever you want with other people.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Now that we've got that figured out, dinner tonight? I'm sorry, I have plans from a while ago.
No, yeah.
- Me too.
- Oh.
So why'd you ask? Why'd you ask?! MAN: And they started an all-executive cover band called "CEO Speedwagon," which is annoying.
Also, Nicole and Tom have been making out in the parking lot after work every day.
That's not really a workplace issue.
I suppose that's a good point.
- (SIGHS) - Is it okay if go now? I think they're refilling the vending machine today.
Yes! Yep.
Go ahead.
- (DOOR OPENS) - (GIGGLES) Oops! Ladies, what are you doing here? Well, you know.
- First day and all, - (DOOR CLICKS SHUT) we thought that we would bring you something.
Oh! Well, that, you didn't have to do that! It's a charm bracelet.
To go with your charming job.
I mean your office is adorable.
So cute! Anyway, we thought we'd take you up on your offer.
- We're out of "candies.
" - Tomé! Look, we are hoping that you'll write us a few scrips.
Yeah, so it's like a social call, but it's also like, a, "can you help us out" call.
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Uh, yeah, just give me a sec, here.
Um Uh, yeah, you know what? Why don't you guys have a seat? Hmm? Why do you think you guys need these pills? What are you doing right now? The thing is, I-I can't write you a prescription unless we have a session.
(LAUGHS) Come on.
Be cool, Annie.
Tomé! We're happy to pay for a session, but the thing is, is that we're in like, a little bit of a rush.
So, could you just maybe - write it? - (CHUCKLES) Guys, uh, sorry, I need you to talk to me.
Why do you think you reach for them? Tomé, I'd love to hear about your childhood.
- CHERYL: Ooh.
- (SOBS) What?! (SOBS) Jesus.
Sorry, guys, if you're not gonna talk to me, there's nothing I can do.
- Wow.
Wow.
- Wow! Wow! (SOBS) This coming from someone who's probably high right now.
Yeah, Annie Xanie, the hypocrite! My name is Anne.
Actually, it's Doctor Carlson.
I don't care what the fuck your name is! You're sitting there telling people what to do while high? Some doctor.
Enjoy your bullshit job, Annie.
And your office looks like a nursing home.
Ah ha ha! For old people! And other people.
- Tomé! Let's go.
- Sorry.
Screw this! (DOOR BANGS) Nope.
(CHARMS JINGLE) (FLUSHES) MR.
NIEDERMEYER: We can see here that permafrost in the Arctic is retreating to a point where it's releasing 10,000-plus year-old microbes.
Now, here we can see that these microbes can unleash deadly diseases, causing mass Something to add, Miss Carlson? Yeah.
(CHAIR SCRAPES) What do you know, anyway? Are you, like, a scientist? Yes.
(STUDENTS SNICKER AND MUTTER) Moving on.
Now, the permafrost releases these microbes, and as Well isn't science supposed to be about asking questions? Of course.
What's your question? Why are you helping the Chinese government?! - I'm-I'm sorry? - (STUDENTS LAUGH) It's your fault that Bennett's dad lost his job! Oh, okay, I have no idea what's going on right now.
But it's time you take your seat, Alice.
No! I won't sit through this.
Because it's nonsense.
It's cold out, Mr.
Nieder-liar! (STUDENTS LAUGH) (THUMPS, GLOBE CLANGS) Alice! Was that too much? I don't even know what I was saying.
- I'm just like - Hey.
You are incredible.
(TRAFFIC RUMBLES) (DINERS LAUGH AND CHATTER) How am I pushing? Tickets are cheap.
I guess so.
Oh! Okay.
- Where in Italy do you go? - So I Where's your family? Oh! (SNORING) (BLANKETS RUSTLE) ("SHAME" BY YOUNG FATHERS PLAYS) Hey! Ah! Nothing but bare face lie Is all you cunts can hold on to (SNORES, SNORTS) (GASPS) (NATHAN SNORES LOUDLY) Is this what you're missing The diamond and the gold - (MOANS) - (DOORBELL RINGS) Fuck! Ah! (NATHAN SNORES) (GROANS) (FOOTSTEPS THUD, LIGHT CLICKS ON) - (DOOR CREAKS OPEN) - Hi.
Anne! Wh-oh my God! What are you-what are you uh, what are you doing here? I'm in.
I wanna take the meeting.
Dude, I told you, you could've done it by phone.
Yeah.
I know.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Hey, say no more, I'm just so happy to see your face.
Mm-hmm.
Why are you breathing so heavy? I'm not breathing heavy.
What? No reason.
- Were you jerkin' it? - (LAUGHS) Yeah, yeah, man.
I was.
Get in here! Oh my God.
- Hey, have you ever jerked into a purse? - What?!