Xena: Warrior Princess s05e03 Episode Script

[ Ares .]
Oh, yeah! Ohh! [ Woman Panting .]
[ Laughs .]
Come here! Hah! [ Sighs .]
Oh, yeah! [ Sighs .]
Ooh! Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, you can cut the party tricks.
You're looking for an heir-- a mortal to carry on your name.
Oh, I've considered it.
Well, here I am-- my sword, my life, my heart.
Honey, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but one action-packed roll in the sack does not make you the heir to Ares' mantle.
No.
You're not the one.
I don't blame you for not seeing it.
So, come on.
Test me.
Mavican, you are way outta your league.
You have no idea what my standards are.
So why don't you go back to that little gang of bandits you were leading, and leave the world domination to professionals, okay? I'm serious, Ares.
I don't know what Xena had to say or do to get the job, but I want it.
First, it is not a "job.
" Second, Xena never asked me for anything.
That's how I knew she was the one.
Now, I've got somethin' real important to deal with, but I'll come back later.
Don't be here.
[ Xena Shouts .]
Whaa-aah! -[ Gabrielle .]
Xena, that guy was mine.
- [ Xena .]
I can handle it.
Yeah, well, I can help you.
Xena! Stay back, Gabrielle! I'm not a kid anymore.
You think that she would know that.
Considering all you've been through.
Ares, whatever you're looking for, look somewhere else.
Mm! Do I always have to be after something? You've been away a while.
Maybe I missed you.
Maybe I'm trying to help.
You only help yourself.
Well, ultimately, that is true.
But it doesn't mean I don't understand.
Here, let me take a shot at this.
Uh-- Xena has been overprotective of you.
She's been treating you like you're still-- They were five bandits.
Five of them.
She could have handled four, and I would've been happy with just one.
But, no, no.
She had to take them all.
It is hard to shed your perceptions of a person.
I'm tired of it.
Hey.
- I notice you're gettin' pretty good with those.
- At least someone noticed.
So Xena doesn't appreciate that I've been practicing.
It's-- [ Gasps .]
Yaah-haah! Who are you? The name is Mavican.
I'm looking for Xena.
What do you want with her? I wanna kill her, and I understand that killing you is the best way to meet her.
[ Man Narrating .]
In a time of ancient gods-- [ Xena Yells .]
warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power.
The passion.
-The danger.
- [ Kiaiing .]
Her courage will change the world.
- Xena, I had her.
- Yeah, yeah.
That was incredible.
I have to say, Xena-- you are one person where the hype isn't enough.
You wanted so talk to me, so talk.
Talk? No, no, no.
I wanted to kill you.
Still do, actually.
- Who are you? - I'm your successor.
I'm taking your place.
Ares doesn't believe it yet, but we're going to convince him.
[ Shouts .]
Hey! Just stop it! Stop it right now! What in the name of me.
did you think you were doing? Getting your attention.
By destroying Demeter's temple? No.
See, destroying temples in the name of other gods-- we just don't do it.
Who cares about her? I'll destroy a thousand of her temples if I have to.
I told you I was good.
Tell him.
Tell him how good I am, Xena.
Good enough to die young.
What's this all about, Ares? Oh, she's not my idea.
She's just some hothead I picked up for a little, uh, diversion.
Now she thinks she's my right-hand girl.
You know, Ares, your problem is that you don't see potential.
See, you're still hung up on what you had and lost-- Xena.
Well, I'm here to let you know there's better.
[ Shouts .]
Well, now.
Maybe she's right.
I've been considering your successor for some time.
You want to take her on? Okay.
Let's take this where you can't do any harm.
Right, listen up! The rules are simple! You kill Xena, you win.
I bring you back here.
Xena! It's a little more difficult.
You kill Mavican, you win.
You stay right where ya are.
- That's not fair! - Oh? You're going too, Gabrielle! Of course, if anyone wants my help, all she's gotta do is call.
Whoo-hoo! Come on, Xena.
Don't disappoint me.
[ Yells .]
Ares, we're not playing your little game.
I didn't ask if you wanted a choice.
Maybe she's got a point.
Is there someone better than you? Don't you think I've waited long enough to find out? [ Both Grunting .]
- Hold on! - [ Mouths Words .]
Gabrielle, I'm coming! Let the game begin.
Yaah! Xena? [ Reverberating .]
Gabrielle? Gabrielle? Gabrielle? Yah-hah! No weapons, no Gabrielle.
Just you and me.
Aah! [ Kiaiing .]
What's the matter, Xena? Can't get in that killing blow? Oh, wait.
Ares said you can't kill me! Just too much on your mind to fight straight, huh? And the sun's going down.
What kind of a fighter are you in the dark? You know what, sweetie? You talk too much.
[ Kiaiing .]
[ Panting .]
- Xena? - I'm here, Gabrielle! [ Bird Calls .]
Wherever here is.
What are you doing? - Watch it, Gabrielle.
- Ee-yah! Lookin' for Xena? See, Gabrielle, lookingis your problem.
If you just stay still, she'll come to ya.
That's what I'm counting on.
Mavican, Amazons invented the technique of fighting from trees.
The first thing they teach you is not to let your footprints end where you jump! [ Screaming .]
Uh-uh! Ares said that Xena couldn't kill you.
He didn't say anything about me, so don't do anything stupid.
- Watch it! - Yah! I'm trying to decide-- Is live bait preferable to dead bait? Especially when the bait wants to kill me? No.
If Xena sees you dead, she might do something sensible.
It's all right, Gabrielle.
As long as it's me that she wants, you're going to be okay.
You're gonna be okay.
Did you have a nice nap? Uh! You know, it's strange.
I really thought Xena would have done something during the night under the cover of darkness.
At least, that's what I would have done.
So what's it like? I mean, being with Xena? It's like a brush with eternity, isn't it? What are you talking about? Oh, Gabrielle, please.
You're a part of making the legend true.
Those scrolls you write.
Yeah, I got ahold of one a while back.
You know, you really should write more.
I'm gonna need someone to write me into history after I kill her.
I hate to tell you this, but history is fickle.
History will remember me, Gabrielle! Why? Because you think youmightkill someone? You don't get it.
Ares doesn't get it.
People will talk about me for ages-- the woman who stood toe-to-toe with Xena.
And win or lose, I'll be remembered.
You need help.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, I wish it were that simple.
I'm not crazy, Gabrielle.
Haven't you ever been struck with the difference between us and the gods? They're immortal because we make them that way.
Don't you think there was a moment when Xena just did it all for destiny? [ Whispers .]
Destiny.
Sun's up.
[ Grunting .]
Aah! Oh, Ares! [ Laughs .]
You are too rich.
Oh, Ares, we're gonna make such a great team.
[ Laughing .]
Hmm! This is too funny.
I mean, did Ares think he was evening the odds? Ares put me and Gabrielle into one being.
You get the day shift.
She gets the night watch.
Oh, come on, Xena.
You've gotta admit.
It's pretty funny.
He got her out of the way, so you wouldn't get distracted.
Of course, I kill you, I kill her.
And I was just beginning to like her.
Oh, well.
Listen, Mavican.
I know Ares.
He's only concerned about one thing, and that's himself.
You mean, he was planning on using me? That's strange, Xena, 'cause I thought I was using him.
Seemed like a great arrangement.
Mavican, I've been down this road before.
I know what it's like to chase destiny.
You can't win.
If we can work together, we can defeat Ares.
This is all about us fighting one another.
- If we don't, Ares loses.
- No! If we don't, I lose.
Xena, I'm on a path that I can't change.
I know it, and I accept it.
But if I don't walk this path, I'm nothing.
Hah! Uh! - Aah! - Uhh! It's no use, Xena! I just have to wait for sundown and Gabrielle.
[ Laughing .]
[ Sniffs .]
[ Bird Screeches .]
- What do you want? - [ Chuckles .]
I swear.
Hey, Xena.
I want your honest opinion, objectively.
I mean, she's better than I thought.
I don't get it, Ares.
All this just to see your new girlfriend fight? No.
Watch myoldgirlfriend fight.
I've missed it.
Where you been lately? Oh, yeah.
You fight all the time.
In fact, you did a pretty good number on Caesar and those Romans.
Pity, really.
A lot of potential.
Still, Mavican has that, uh, certain something-- something which you seem to have lost.
And I just wanna find out if anybody else has got it.
And what about Gabrielle? Is she up in that dark little room you set up? Ya like that, huh? Yeah, I thought it might fire ya up if you could watch the game.
And, no, Gabrielle is there, but she can't see us.
So, what's the point? Why have ya joined us both together so that we can both fight Mavican individually? Why not? Besides, she's gettin' pretty good at it.
She's smart, too, even though someone doesn't want to admit it.
She's already figured out part of the riddle.
That I can't kill Mavican but Gabrielle can? Well, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd like that, wouldn't ya? Oh, I see.
You want me to find you.
That's nice.
Very nice.
[ Kiaiing .]
Okay, Mavican.
Show yourself.
I hate to kill you, Xena.
There's so many things I could learn from you.
Like, how do you know when you're about to be attacked? Just always assume you will be.
Ah.
So, it's more philosophical than a gift.
Must be tiring on the soul.
Thanks.
Aah! Ohh! [ Kiaiing .]
[ Groaning .]
The only thing I'm gonna regret about this is not killing Xena directly.
But any kill is a good one.
The game is over.
- Where's Xena? - You really don't know? Ares has put the two of you in the same body.
You get the nights; she gets the day.
Problem is, you're stuck with me for the night or at least long enough for me to kill you.
Come on, Gabrielle.
Look around you.
- Good girl.
- What? You think you can take me on with a staff? Please, Gabrielle.
I perfected the art.
I have nothing to lose, do I? Oof! Aah! Now, run! Get out of there! Uhh! You can't hide, Gabrielle! I'll find you before sunup.
You're mine.
[ Ares .]
You have to like her style-- the focus, the intensity, the ability to learn and adapt.
She is just incredible.
I can't believe I took her for granted for so long.
You're just using Mavican to get to me, Ares.
- It won't work.
Why don't you give up on me? - Hmm! Xena, I have given up on you.
And what makes you think I was talkin' about Mavican? This is about Gabrielle.
You're not testing Mavican.
You're after Gabrielle.
You're not jealous? I mean, despite what Mavican thought, I have been thinking about your heir.
And who better than one you trained? Aah! Uhh! You leave her out of this.
There it is! There's the fire.
There's the anger you lost.
She'll never follow you.
Well, she hasn't heard my offer yet.
And anyway, how well do you really know her anymore? Well, I guess we'll find out when she kills Mavican.
Ares! Come on, Gabrielle.
You can fight him.
You know Ares well enough.
[ Gasps .]
Xena, where are you? Plenty of time.
[ Sniffles .]
[ Xena's Voice .]
If you read this, you'll know that I'm here.
Ares has merged us into the same body.
But the same way that the world shares day and night-- never sees the same two together.
Mavican is tough, but we can defeat her.
A lot of it depends on you though.
You've figured out part of Ares' riddle, but you can't kill her, Gabrielle.
It's something that Ares wants to see, and I don't know why yet.
Together, we can get out of this.
- Hello, Gabrielle.
- What do you want? I've been watching you.
I think you've got potential.
Potential for what? Never mind.
I really don't want to know.
You've also got a slanted opinion of me.
Okay.
Only somewhat slanted.
But I'm serious.
You're not quite there yet, but maybe I've been dismissing you too easily over the years.
Maybe the heir to Xena's throne has been right in front of me all along.
- Are you out of your mind? - How's your wound? Okay? [ Clears Throat .]
Here's the deal.
I've learned a few things from Xena, and perhaps my way of peace through power isn't quite what I thought it was.
You are so full of-- No.
Now, that is Xena's problem these days.
She's so set in her ways.
She won't even make an effort to see change.
Now, you should know that more than anyone.
It's okay.
You don't have to answer.
It's obvious.
It's painfully obvious.
So, please, don't do to me what Xena does to you.
Just-- Just hear me out honestly.
Okay? Okay.
What I need-- what I think I've always needed-- is someone strong enough to lead people.
I think the key is to find someone who's learned how to fight but has the discretion not to.
Now, that is something Xena never had.
What about Mavican? What about her? She's set in her ways already.
And have you listened to her speak? No.
The old Ares, he would have loved her.
But not me.
I want you to look beyond our past.
I know how you feel about me.
You got good reason.
But maybe, uh-- maybe gods can change too.
What happens to Xena? Xena? Xena goes home, lives with her mother, and spends the rest of her years safe in the knowledge that someone she trusts is in control.
Now, I want you to think about this, but don't take too long.
Mavican is really intent on killing Xena.
Of course, her destiny is in your hands.
With this you can kill Mavican.
Now, you do that, and I'll know you're ready.
[ Pings .]
Nice place.
Room for one more? No, Gabrielle! Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Back off, Mavican.
I'm warning you.
You're warning me? Gabrielle, I'll admit you've got somethin', but it's over.
[ Yells .]
Come on! Attack! You're on the defensive.
Kill me if you can! You don't have the nerve.
Don't do it.
Ares wants me to kill you.
If I do that, then he wins and we all lose! I'm not gonna do it.
Hah! Huh! [ Whispers .]
Xena.
[ Groaning .]
Yaah! [ Kiaiing .]
How's the wound, Xena? It's just a little gift I gave Gabrielle, and now you're stuck with it.
Didn't you just know she'd be your fatal flaw? Everybody's got one.
What about yours? Heh! Nice try.
I have no flaw! Sure you do.
It's your misguided belief in your own destiny.
My destiny is to kill you.
That's wrong.
Your destiny is to be forgotten.
[ Groaning .]
[ Kiaiing .]
[ Kiaiing .]
No! What are you doing? - We're trapped in here! - That's right, trapped-- where no one can hear us, and no one will ever know what's happened to you.
Whether I kill you or you kill me, your destiny is finished.
No! Did you forget? You can't kill me! That right? [ Panting .]
[ Chuckling .]
You see, even if I die, you're gonna live on here buried alive at the bottom of this pit, 'cause nobody knows you're here.
Oh! Oh! Ares knows! But Ares doesn't care.
You see, to him, you're just a loser.
No! Yaah! Oh! Lemme go! Lemme go! Ares! Ares! Help me! Help me! Mavican, are you asking for my help? Yes.
I'm asking for your help, God of War.
She's asking for your help.
[ Screaming .]
What are you doing, Ares? You said I could ask! Yeah.
I said ya could.
I never said ya should.
Ares! No! No! No! Xena.
You all right? Yeah.
Oh, here, this.
Eh! It'll heal.
No.
Just don't say it.
Have a little respect for me, will ya? - You won already! - We both won.
Gabrielle, I'm proud of you.
Oh, please.
I gave her an opportunity for greatness.
Following you is not an opportunity, Ares.
It's a curse.
You say "Minotaur," I say "Mine-otaur.
" Whatever.
You said anyone could ask for your help.
Years ago, Ares said to me that anyone who asked for his help doesn't deserve it.
So when Mavican asked-- She lost.
I really gotta be more careful with my riddles.
The offer's still open.
Think about it.
You know, I'm surprised that you didn't consider it.
What he said-- Xena, what he said doesn't matter.
I know you.
Sometimes I wonder if you really know me, but I know what's in your heart.
Then you know more than I do.
Gabrielle, I do see you.
Sometimes I have trouble facing it, but I promise, I will.
[ Sighs .]
You don't know how much that means.
Maybe Ares did some good after all, huh? Tell you what.
Ow.
The next bad guy we come across is all yours.
The next seven little bad guys we come across, they're all yours.
Little? Is that a crack about my height? No, they're just harder for me to reach.
[ Chuckles .]
Yeah.
Well, I guess that makes sense.
Yeah, yeah.
Good strategy.
Yep.