American Dad s05e04 Episode Script

# Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # # The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # # And he's shining a salute to the American race # # Oh, boy, it's swell to say # # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
## Nice.
The mobile lab's back from the garage.
I see they didn't put on the semi-erotic mud flaps I suggested.
- Can we get on with this? - Yes, of course.
Now, once you're in the brain of bin Laden's cat code name Buffy you're to find out if she's overheard any terrorist intel.
Then ask her why she tries to scratch me when I pet her.
Does she hate me? I do everything for her.
You know, Ray, this is highly experimental.
There's no guarantee you'll come out alive.
What do I care? My kids are out of the house.
My wife left me.
Very good.
Just sign right here.
Ray, you had a wife? I always thought I don't know what I thought.
I never think about you.
Anyway, Director Bullock, I have to take off early today.
- My kids are leaving for the summer.
- Uh-oh.
This is how it starts.
Ruth and I were happily married for 25 years.
But when the kids left for college, we sat down to dinner one night, and boom! She realized how boring I was.
I'm not worried about that.
Francine will never leave me.
Oh, yeah? Without your kids, you got no buffer.
And you're more boring than I am.
It's true.
No one wants to eat lunch with you.
Well, even if I am boring, Francine will never find out.
I've got an ace in the hole.
All right, Ray.
You're going into the cat's mind in three, two - He's safely in.
- Good.
Anybody else care for a go? It's super-fun.
Have fun at camp, honey.
If anyone needs me, I'll be living in a tree, protesting logging.
No one needs you.
I can't believe my babies are leaving for the whole summer! Hit it, hit it, hit it! And don't write! Whoo-hoo-hoo! For the first time in 18 years, we have the whole house to ourselves! Just you and me getting to know each other all over again.
That sounds great, Francine, but I think you're forgetting about the madman we hide in the attic.
He requires our constant attention.
Sorry, honey.
No alone time for us.
Phew.
I had to get out of there.
It really smelled.
I threw up in the shower, and it didn't go down the drain and now the tub's overflowing, and I want some iced tea, and I know you know I want it now! Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Damn it! - Hey, F-bombs.
- Roger, I see you're busy but I was thinking it's time I teach you how to do some stuff on your own.
The laundry, cleaning, making your own iced tea.
# No # We can make a game of it.
I'm gonna be Colton Lancington a renegade space cop who struggles to keep his bipolar disorder in check.
Okay, Colton.
You just had a busy space day and now you'd like to cool down with some intergalactic iced tea.
Now, you take two scoops of powder Colton doesn't take orders from nobody! I'm off my meds! Well, lookee, lookee.
Seems we've got ourselves a cabin of bunk-boobs next door.
I'm gonna freshen up, then, uh, make with the "introducies.
" You're just gonna walk right up to those girls? Snotters, this is camp.
We left our reputations as nerds back home.
It's a chance to reinvent ourselves.
Hey there.
Name's Joss.
I'm a tennis player from Vegas but most people know me for my Niçoise salad.
I'm Leo.
I like making love with the lights on.
- Geeks! - Get 'em! You know how you're always making a mess and I have to clean it up? Well, this invention- Roger? Checking out my pow-pow.
Continue.
What up, dink? Cleaning up after Roger again? Did he have another ticker tape parade because the deli finally named a sandwich after him? Actually, Stan, I'm teaching Roger to be self-sufficient so we can finally have our alone time.
Great.
Now, there are three settings.
Roger on a hard roll! I got problems, fish.
Francine wants to spend the summer alone, just the two of us.
Yeah! You are going to be sexing! No, you don't get it.
Francine and I haven't been alone together in 18 years.
Wh-What if she thinks I'm boring and leaves me? I knew the kids couldn't be my buffer forever, but Roger was my ace in the hole.
If he learns how to take care of himself, it'll just be me and Francine.
That's why you're stressed? Stan, it's Roger.
He can't do anything on his own.
You'll never have to worry about being alone with Francine.
You're right.
What am I thinking? Roger's an idiot.
He can't take care of himself.
He's like a baby.
Or Africa.
That's good.
That was good.
I don't believe it.
We're here two minutes, and already we're branded as nerds.
I can't even wear my new sandals now! No one's gonna buy it! Oh, face it, Steve.
No matter where we go, we're just gonna be losers.
But how'd they figure it out so fast? What do these guys got that we don't? Oh, my God.
That's it.
Boxer shorts! Fellas, if we want to be cool we gotta shed these whities of tight and get ourselves some of those.
Stan, I have a surprise for you.
You know how I've been training Roger to be more self-sufficient? Well, guess what he did this afternoon.
He moved out! We're finally alone.
No kids, no alien.
Just you and me.
Oh, and more good news.
The cable's out, and I just got my period.
So there's nothing to do but talk and talk and talk.
Roger! Come here, boy.
Stan, he's not here.
He got his own place.
Now let's go inside and talk.
We can't! We have to go visit Roger.
I got him a housewarming gift.
This is not from the both of us.
Stan, Francine.
Buenas noches.
Welcome to mi casa.
Oh! You're learning Spanish.
You got to in this neighborhood if you want to read the McDonald's billboards.
This is for you.
All right.
Well, why don't I give you the tour.
This room is the kitchen, slash, bedroom, slash, living room, slash, dance studio.
Ahhh.
Ahhh.
My hammies.
- It's wonderful, Roger.
- How are you paying for this? I got a job at Colonial Pet Store.
- You? Working? - Francine, pour yourself a drink.
Stan and I need to talk.
I heard what you said- that I couldn't do anything on my own.
Well, look around, jerk.
It's all mine.
And I'll have you know that I've only called They stole my swimming jeans.
Roger, look.
I'm sorry you heard what I said.
Please, just move back home.
You miss me, huh? Miss my Dana Carvey impersonations? Well, it's too late, Stan.
I'm self-sufficient now.
Get used to it! I don't want my rug to smell like smoke.
I'm so proud of you, Roger.
Yeah.
You know, they say if a domestic pig escapes into the wild it will instinctively grow tusks.
Who says that? Your mother.
Stan, let's go home.
Roger has a lot of unpacking to do.
No! I mean, uh, I'm sure Roger wants us to stay for dinner.
That is, unless he's incapable of making a meal.
Oh, Stan.
I've got a freezer full of shu mai from Trader Joe's.
And for dessert, a huge-ass box of Chocodiles.
I hid 'em in the fridge for when the cholos come back.
And they will be back.
I gave the biggest one a key.
Wow.
We're finally alone together.
Tell me something fascinating about you.
Uh My God, I never realized how boring you are.
I'm leaving you.
You're gonna die alone.
What's happening? You fell asleep at Roger's after you asked him to count to a million.
We couldn't wake you up, so I carried you to the car.
I ate two boxes of shu mai.
I got the pork sweats.
All right.
I'll be up in a minute.
I'm gross.
We were wrong, fish.
Roger's moved out, and he's completely independent.
- What am I gonna do? - Ask him to come back.
Yeah.
I'll force him back.
I'll poison Roger, and he'll be too sick to take care of himself.
- Then he'll have to come crawling home.
- What? All I have to do is keep him weak and needy until the kids come back.
You monster.
I'll tell on you! - What am I doing? - No! - Roger, what are you doing here? - Stan invited me for dinner.
He misses me.
Oh, I brought you this.
Tag! You're it.
Stan, you miss Roger.
That's so sweet.
You and I can have alone time tomorrow.
Yes.
To Roger's independence.
Mmm.
I feel awful.
Roger, you should sleep here tonight.
You're too sick to go home.
But I have to study my adult dog food manual.
Now, we just go in and tell them we want men's boxer shorts.
I see you gents are interested in buying some underwear.
We want to get some boxer shorts like the cool kids have.
Sure.
You can be followers, try and play catch-up to the trends.
Or you could set them.
Name's Mr.
Clyde Templeton.
Can I buy you boys some lunch? I never turn down lunch.
Or a big-ass bitch.
You guys really want to spin heads at that camp of yours? You wear these.
Culottes.
Culottes? I don't know.
These'll make you superstars.
The cool kids will carry you through the streets.
Women will go hysterical.
Ooh! The stitching is wonderful.
You, sir, have made a sale.
Good.
Good.
Here.
These are thank-you notes from your nads.
Ray, I read your report from your time spent inside Buffy's brain.
Very comprehensive.
Well done.
Buffy, I understand you think I smell weird but I believe it was my body wash, which I've changed so now you should love me.
Now where will you sleep, you ice queen? You think you're better than me? You're not better than me.
You're going to learn a hard, hard lesson.
- Hello? - How about we go out to fondue tonight? You and me and a nice dinner rolling right into cramps and diarrhea? - What about Roger? - He's feeling better.
He's even working his afternoon shift, so we're free.
So, Ray, uh, how is it being single? Ah, not so bad.
Is this food appropriate for a small dog? Oh, ma'am, I'm not qualified to answer that.
See, I only have one mouse on my name tag which means I do stocking, lifting and the like.
You need to talk to someone with at least one dog.
See, it goes one mouse, two mouse, one bird, two bird, then one dog, then two dog.
I hear there's a guy up in Portland with three dogs but I think that's just an office rumor.
Wouldn't it be something if it was true though? Hey, Roger.
What's goin' on? Not much.
Just boring myself and this old broad.
- What's up? - Francine told me you went to work so I thought I'd bring you a juice to keep your immune system up.
Mmm.
Isn't that nice of you? Who will feed the chinchillas? You're too sick.
We're getting you out of that apartment and bringing you back home.
You're freezing.
I'll get you some blankets.
Looks like you're here to stay, Roger.
This calls for a celebration.
Frannie, will you make me some iced tea? Stan? Anybody? No.
You know what? I can do it myself.
Oh, my God! Stan! Oh.
He's doing his Heath Ledger impression.
Oh.
Too soon, Roger.
Too soon.
- How's he doin'? - He seems to be stabilized but he's not coming out of the coma.
Well, I guess there's nothing we can do except wait.
Just the two of us.
Oh, F.
Y.
I.
, the cable repairman canceled on me - and I'm having one of my famous 10-day periods.
- I have an idea! You're sure you know what you're doing? Roger's in a coma.
All I have to do is use this device to go into his brain find him in his unconscious and bring him over to the conscious side.
Don't worry, Francine.
We do it all the time with cats.
All right.
Turn it on.
It worked.
I'm in Roger's mind.
Now, to find him.
Hello, pretty bird.
Oh, Stan.
I hope you don't get lost in there.
What if you die? I left my soda in the freezer! Francine! Let's do some shots! Klaus? What are you doing in here? Stan put me in here two days ago.
The only reason I didn't freeze to death is I filled my bowl with that bottle of vodka.
- Why'd he put you in the freezer? - Oh, I'll tell you why.
He Hey, Chocodile.
Watch where you're goin'.
Oh, hell no.
Bye-bye.
You bastard! Francine? - Francine, what are you- - Klaus told me you've been poisoning Roger just because you don't want to spend time alone with me.
Um Forget it, Stan.
I'm gonna get Roger out and then when we get home, you can have all the alone time you want because I'm not gonna be there.
Francine, wait! It's dangerous in here.
# As time goes on # Francine! # I realize # Francine! # Just what you mean # # To me ## - Who are you? - Roger's conscience.
Oh, my God.
You're dying of neglect.
Kill me.
Tom Skerritt? Get me work.
Oh, my.
Is it time to change already? Yep.
Time to peel out of these old dungarees.
You boys ready for that swim test today, or what? Look at us, fellas! The underwear works! Just like Clyde said it would.
Put 'em in the girls' cabin! They're so impressed, they're bringing us straight to their women.
If only we could thank that magical mystery underwear salesman.
Oh, I don't think we've seen the last of him.
It's breathtaking.
The cherry blossoms, the rolling hills the three Urkels grazing in a meadow.
Francine! No, no.
I'll never tell anyone.
Your reputation is safe with me.
Hey, fellas.
I nailed her.
It was so easy! "I am Vicki, voice input child identicant.
- What are tears?" - Next.
Learn how to drive, you bitch! Relax, M.
C.
Raw G.
Let it go.
Are you kiddin'? Nobody cuts off Biggie Smalls.
Hey, jackass! You want some of this? He said he made this for me.
No, you don't get it.
Francine and I haven't been alone together in 18 years.
What if she thinks I'm boring and leaves me? Is that true? Is that why you were afraid to be alone with me? Because you thought I'd be bored with you? Well, yeah.
Stan, you might not be interesting, but you're definitely not boring.
I mean, the kids have only been gone for two days, and look at us.
We're inside an alien's brain.
So you're not gonna sit down to dinner and realize you don't want to be with me anymore? No, honey.
I know who you are, and I love you.
Come on.
Let's go get Roger.
No, Francine.
He needs a prince.
Mmm.
- What the hell are you doing? - Me? You're the one making a move.
I was just napping on this pedestal in the perfect light in my most prettiest dress.
Roger, you're in a coma.
We're in your brain to help you wake up and bring you home.
Home? You mean your home? - That's right.
- Oh, thank God.
I hated my apartment.
I don't know if you noticed, but it didn't have a bathroom.
I won't be getting that security deposit back.
Hey.
Guess who I had lunch with today.
- Tom Skerritt.
- Oh, that's interesting.
Oh, yeah.
I guess it is.
Bye-bye! Bye! Have a beautiful time.
English - US - SDH