Baby Daddy s05e04 Episode Script

1 Emma: No! Emma, come on, it's time for bed.
I'm putting my foot down.
You gotta put your pajamas on.
No! What if Daddy gives you a cookie? Yes! Congratulations, Emma.
You're already manipulating men at a third grade level.
You're the parent.
You need to stand up to your daughter.
Okay, you know what? Fine.
If you're so good at this, you get her into pajamas.
- All right? - Okay.
Yeah, I will.
All right, Emma.
Listen, this behavior has got to stop.
When I say it's bedtime, it's bedtime.
And when I say it's cookie time, it's cookie time.
Mm, who do you love the most? - Bon-Bon.
- Bon-Bon.
That's right.
And Bon-Bon loves you the most.
(theme music playing) It's amazing how the unexpected Can take your life and change directions - She's coming, she's coming! - (Screams) Danny! - Who's coming? - My mom.
Ever since Brad left, she can't be alone.
I don't know if you know this, but she can be kind of annoying.
She hasn't let me out of her sight in over a week, and now she wants to hang out today and tonight.
No! No! Tonight is our special night.
Clash of Dragons is on.
I know.
That's why I'm trying to avoid her.
(doorknob rattling) Bonnie: Hey, why is this door locked? (door unlocking) - Oh! - Hey, guys.
I just wanted to Oh.
Mom do you mind? Kind of in the middle of something here.
Sorry.
Yeah, I can come back.
Well, actually, if you're anything like your dad, I can just wait in the hall for a couple of minutes.
Will you just tell her? Yeah, you're right.
Mom, there's something I need to talk to you about.
But first, I gotta go to practice, so I'll see you later, okay? Bye.
Danny, Danny, Danny! (groans) So what are you up to today? I'm just going to work.
I don't suppose you could bring a friend.
- Not really.
- Oh.
Oh, Tuck! Hey! Here's that salad you ordered for Mary.
I know the show's paying for it.
That's why it's a $53 salad.
Finally.
Mary's blood sugar's crashing.
Oh, my God.
Are there cranberries on this? These look like cranberries! Calm down.
She can just pick them off like any normal person.
Mary Hart is not a normal person.
Okay? She's a star.
It's a completely different beast.
Please don't tell anyone you heard me call her a beast.
Dude, you gotta stand up to her once in a while.
Don't let her walk all over you.
Look, Ben, I don't have time.
Look, I don't have time for this right now, okay? What is wrong with you? Look at yourself.
- You're a mess.
- I'm fine! Okay?! - Look, I'm fine! - (Shutter clicks) - I'm fi - Does this look fine to you? Look, man, we're just we're all under a lot of stress, all right? This week, it's our big Mary Hart SweetHarts Special, and everything just needs to be perfect because Mary likes perfect.
Mary: Tucker! Oh, my God! She's coming! Save yourself! Go! It's about time.
I didn't realize you actually had to go to a farm and plant the vegetables first.
And could you possibly be more incompetent? I said I wanted to give away Crock-Pots.
You forgot the "Crock" part of the "Pot".
There's 50 pounds of weed sitting on my loading dock! And are these cranberries? You know how much I hate cranberries.
I know, Mary.
I'm so sorry, Mary.
How does this sound to you, Tucker? Hello, America.
I'm Mary Hart.
On tonight's show, the death of a senior producer who gave me cranberries! Idiot! How could you not know after all these years together that I hate cranberries?! I hate them Ah, my good Lord Craigmore, bastard son of Leon Ravenhelm, to what do I owe this honor? Ah, Lady Zelda Dragonbreast, I have come to avenge thee and perhaps do some ravaging? Well, the ravaging will hate to wait because seriously, the show's about to start.
I couldn't find mutton, so chicken wings will have to do.
(knocking) Bonnie: Open up! It's me! I found mutton! What is she doing here? How did she know? Well, she either figured it out on her own, or she guilted me into inviting her.
I'm honestly not sure.
Just just tell her to go away.
Okay, fine.
I'll tell her that it's just us tonight.
Yeah.
I mean, sure.
Yeah.
I was devastated when Brad left, you know, but now, I'm just lonely.
You know, and I can't go get all un-lonely because I'm married.
Stupid morals.
Mary: Hello, America.
I'm Mary Hart.
On tonight's show, the death of a senior producer who gave me cranberries! Yeah, thanks for the instant replay, but I'm still picking the cranberries out of my ears, so I'm good.
Dude, I'm trying to show you how pathetic you look.
You know, I wish I had physical proof of my mistakes.
Ben! Not now, Emma.
Ben, why is this such a big deal? All I see is a completely normal employee-employer relationship.
Oh? Oh, is that what you see? Oh, okay.
Then maybe we should take a survey and find out what other people think.
How about I just post it online and get some feedback for you? - Oh, you do that.
- Oh, I will.
- Good.
- Here I go.
- I'm waiting.
- So doing it.
- So not caring.
- All right.
- Three, two, one - Give it to me.
Nope.
No.
Stop.
No, no.
Fine.
Yes, Mary is a horrible person.
She's also a compulsive gambler and a philanderer, so what's your point? You're better than this! You've gotta stand up for yourself, man.
(sighs) Fine.
I'll talk to her.
You're a good friend.
I know.
You're really lucky.
How about I buy you a beer to celebrate, huh? Come on.
On tonight's show, - the death of a senior producer - (Tablet beeps) who gave me cranberries! Idiot! How could you not remember after all of these years (Ben laughing) Look! The kitty doesn't even know the bunny's in the basket.
Cats are stupid.
I think we lost her! I knew your mom was fast, but she actually scissor-kicked over the subway turnstiles.
You guys are amateurs.
Always run through a bar.
She has to stop.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
This isn't good.
Cranberries? Idiot! How could you not remember after all of these years of working together how much I hate cranberries?! What? No! Oh, my God! How is this online?! A million views?! Oh, my God.
I have to warn Tucker.
Oh, no.
Come on.
Come on, sweetie.
Let's go.
Aah, pick up.
Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.
Oh, God.
- Aah, come on.
Voicemail? - (Elevator dings) (sighs) Mom! Hey, perfect.
Can you please take Emma to daycare? I have an emergency.
Mary's about to kill Tucker.
Oh.
Yeah.
Tell me when that's on.
I want to record it.
Riley: Oh, my God, Danny.
Please! Your mother is driving me crazy! Danny: Don't get mad at me! You're the one who invited her over last night! Uh, yeah.
Yeah, that's only because you couldn't stand up to her.
She spent the night at my place and then she went to breakfast with us, and now she's gonna go to the movies with us? Oh, my Oh, do not.
Do not think for one second that she's going to Mary Hart's SweetHart show tomorrow because we only have two tickets and I already planned to give the free Crock-Pot to my mom for Christmas! Well, what am I supposed to do? Tell her I'd rather spend time along with my girlfriend than with my own mother?! Yes.
Danny, that's exactly what you're supposed to do.
I mean, if you don't stand up to her now, this is only going to get worse.
I mean, today it's a Crock-Pot, tomorrow it's our anniversary.
Wait, tomorrow's our anniversary? I mean tomorrow's our anniversary.
Hope you didn't forget.
No, Danny.
I am saying that this is about our future, and I'm not saying that you have to choose between us, but at some point, you're gonna have to choose between us.
Oh, I think we both know how this is gonna end.
Someone is about to get schooled and it ain't gonna be me.
High five it.
Fist it.
Woogidy woogidy.
Care to explain what this is? Oh.
You know what? It's basically just a really big phone.
You know what I mean? No, this.
There's 50 pounds of weed on my loading dock.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is not happening.
(inhales deeply) (breathes deeply) They're saying, "Mary has no Hart.
" I wish that didn't sound so evil because it's catchy as hell.
No! No, no, no.
No, of course you have a heart! No, Mary puts the Hart in heart.
Mary Right? Obviously someone is jealous of our close, professional relationship.
Perhaps I overreacted with the cranberries.
I'm I'm sorry, are you apologizing? Oh, my God, no.
But seeing this made me realize just how much I appreciate you.
So, I want to make you an executive producer as long as you find out who did this, publicly humiliate them, and fire them.
I'm on it.
Thank you, Mary.
Tucker, hey! Whatever you do, don't What's up, Mary? Well, hello there, stranger.
Wait, why do you look so familiar? I work here.
I'm, um I'm Jason.
What do you do here, Jason? I make the melon balls.
Well, make them smaller next time.
It's bad for my face to chew.
Danny: Mom? (door closes) Oh, hey, Ma.
Mamacita.
Best mom in the world.
I was hoping we could have a little chat Are you crying? It's nothing.
I was just sitting here thinking about you, and, you know, how amazing you've been during this painful, awful time.
You're not just my son.
You're my best friend.
And all my friends, you know, they complain that their kids never want to spend any time with them, but not me.
No.
I always say, "I have the best son in the world.
" - What about Ben? - What about Ben? Listen, honey.
I know that I have been very intrusive lately, but you have honestly saved my life.
You know I'd do anything for you, Mom.
I know.
And you know what would really help me? Make me feel whole again? I would just really love to go to that Mary Hart whatever-she-calls-it thing with you.
Wait, the SweetHart Special? But I've only got two tickets and Riley's got her heart set on it.
I mean, we've got our costumes picked out and everything.
That is a problem but I know you'll do the right thing.
Look at myself.
Dude, I'm gonna get my own Tucker to scream at! But don't you still have to find a fall guy and fire someone? Oh, please.
Believe me, I've got a list.
Enjoy your last stolen yogurt, Todd.
Payback for my applesauce, bitch.
Hey! What about Jason? I have the advantage of actually being guilty and I don't actually work here, so no one actually gets hurt.
Yeah! Yeah, that's genius! Mary! After an extensive investigation I've traced the video to Jason's phone.
Well, Jason, why don't you just take that pretty face of yours and your melon baller and get out? You're fired! (gasps) I can't believe we just got away with that, man! We're geniuses! I mean, Mary is kind of a moron, right? I mean, like, a big, dumb blond.
That thing's not actually on, is it? No.
This? I'm not an idiot.
Mary: Tucker! Yeah, I guess it is on.
What flavor do you want your goodbye cake to be? (chuckles) - No! - No, no, no Fired.
Man, I did not see that coming.
You shot the video, your kid posted it online, and it was your idea to fire Jason.
You were in charge of it coming.
Oh, yeah? Well, I worked in TV for one hour, and even I know how the headsets work.
I know how the headsets work, okay?! And I also know how friends work.
And if you weren't so busy trying to teach me some stupid lesson, none of this would have happened.
(sighs) This is my career, Ben.
And you just destroyed it.
(sighs) Oh, hey.
How am I doing? Funny you should ask.
Um, not well.
Because despite my talking about the Mary Hart Special for the last six months, I am now not going.
Am I supposed to have any idea what you're talking about? Shiver me timbers! Who's ready to hunt some dragons? Tally ho! No one on Clash of Dragons has said that.
Ever.
Is Danny ready? This corset's got about four hours on it before m'ladies explode.
(giggles) Thanks for the ticket, Riley.
Your mom stole my boyfriend.
Uh, kind of the one woman I didn't think I'd have to worry about.
Well, Tucker gave me two tickets.
You can have 'em.
Really? Oh, my God! Well, will you go with me? Because you can only get in if you're dressed as a famous couple from history.
Please, please, please? Uh, well, won't me going with you make Danny Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
And that's what us girlfriends call a win-win.
No, no, no.
I can't.
I can't.
Do you have any idea what Mary would do if she sees me? I mean, after she hits on me of course.
She may not like my melon balls, but she definitely likes my You get the point.
You know what? That's genius! Yes, yes! I will go with you! Okay.
Yay! All right, what's a costume that we can do at the last minute? Um, I've got a black wig and some 60s clothes.
Sonny and Cher? Yes! Oh, my God, that's perfect! Plus, they were great friends after their breakup, and you know, it's it's just like us! Yeah, so totally like us! Yeah! (chuckles) Really? How was I supposed to know you wanted to be Cher? Uh, again, I'm gonna go with, "Really?" Riley? What are you doing here? And why are you with my brother? I don't know, because Ben didn't dump me for his mother? Because Ben is a true friend.
Because Ben would never abandon me.
Ben's gotta go.
See you later, Riles.
Wish me luck.
- Hey, Sonny.
- Hey, Mom.
Oh, hey, Riles.
Ever hear the expression, "Two is company, three is a pathetic girl dressed as Cher with no partner"? Tucker? What are you doing? I found this costume on the couch.
Figured it was the perfect way to get past security.
Don't you work here? Oh.
Oh, when I'm done with this show, nobody is gonna work here.
Okay? It's time I got my dignity back.
Hey, Mary.
It's me, Jason.
What are you doing here? I think we both know what I'm doing here.
I saw how you looked at me before.
Oh, you're here to seduce me just like the real Sonny did in '79.
You bet I am.
Should we lock the doors so your husband doesn't walk in on us? Please, I've done this 100 times before and he never found out.
He's about as in the dark as the IRS is about my Swiss accounts.
Now why don't you make a deposit at Infidelity Bank? - Gotcha! - Mary: Now why don't you make a deposit at Infidelity Bank? What do you want? I want you to give Tucker his job back unless you want this to get out too.
You know he deserves it.
He does everything to please you and all you've ever done is crush his spirit.
Fine.
I actually need Tucker.
His little revenge video doubled the show ratings.
So he can have his job back? Sure.
Now put the mustache on and take me back to 1979.
Okay, SweetHarts, let's do this.
Hey, hey.
Where's your partner? Oh, he was just here.
Sorry, couples only.
Desperate singles is next week.
If you could just give me a minute, he'll be right back.
Rules are rules.
- I swear.
- You two, you two, next.
Riley, I am so sorry.
Danny, come on! Hurry up.
The gay pirate boys are taking our seats! As soon as this is over, I'm going to make it up to you.
Danny, come on! I gave you life! She's just giving you a hard time.
- Can you give me a minute? - No, Danny.
It's fine.
Not now.
- Yeah, Danny.
Not now.
- Mom, enough! You've been controlling, bossy, and honestly, a pain in my neck.
I'm sorry that you're lonely, but you're not the woman that I love.
Riley is.
So, you need to back up out of my life and get your own.
Well, it's about time! Both: What? Danny, I have been in your face the last two days, trying to get you to push me away.
No man should let his mother come between him and the love of his life.
And no woman wants to be with a guy who can't stand up to his mother.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I was right about this corset and my m'ladies are about to blow, so Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Tucker? How many times do I have to tell you to stop stealing my clothes? It doesn't matter.
I got great news.
So do I, man.
Look, I finally realized you were right.
This job, this humiliation, it's beneath me.
I am better than Mary Hart.
- I got your job back.
- Oh, my God! You did?! That's amazing! I love this job! Man over speaker: And we're live in five seconds.
(theme music playing) Mary No, no, no, no.
I slipped something to my buddy in the audio booth.
I gotta stop him.
(auto-tuned) Hello, America I'm Mary Hart, Hart, Hart 50 pounds of 50 pounds of weed Are these cranberries? I hate, I hate cranberries! I hate them as much as I hate you And that's a lot! Keep throwing Keep throwing Keep throwing cranberries! Tucker! (clears throat) Hey, man, uh how'd you get my job back? Any chance it'll work again? I'll be right back.
Hey, Mom, watch this.
Emma, it's time for bed.
Let's go put your pajamas on, okay? Okay.
(chuckles) Yeah.
Now who's standing up to a two-year-old? Mm-hmm.
All right, my little monkey.
Come on.
There we go.
All right.
Let's get your jammies on.
Okay.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
Here's your cookie, sweetheart.