Being Human (UK) s05e04 Episode Script
The Greater Good
The conflict between the werewolves and the vampires generates such an energy, upon which the Devil feasts.
I don't need blood any more.
You stay away.
You are regret and disgust and nothing more! You want to talk to the real me? Hello! 'I believe I have some work for you.
' I'll be right over.
Bobby.
Excellent.
I see you've started packing.
How long will I be there? Not long.
A few days.
A week at the most.
Then you'll come right back.
This is what you said was happening.
"I have to talk to the Chinese from China.
"You know China, don't you Bobby? "They're going to give us funding so we can keep the Archive open "and I I can carry on doing my job.
" Then I said, "The Chinese eat rice.
" And you said, "Yes and if we get their funding, perhaps we'll have to eat rice too.
"We could have sweet and sour chicken chow mein.
" and then I said, "I don't like rice.
" And then you did that thing where you smile, but that vein in your head sort of pulses.
Yes, that seems a pretty thorough This werewolf I believe he's called Tom.
Is he nice? We've barely Yes, he's very nice.
I don't want to go.
Bobby, they're about to cut the electricity.
It'll be jolly cold and there won't be any lights.
All the same.
It'll be jolly creepy.
This isn't a permanent arrangement.
I hope I've made that clear.
Once I've secured the funding, you'll be brought straight back! Plus all my posters are here.
I'm sure Tom wouldn't mind if you took a couple with you.
But more importantly, Bobby, the locks are linked to the grid! With the electricity gone we won't have any way of containing you.
Do you understand what that means?! I'll take Burt Reynolds and Worzel Gummage, please.
Nah, I'm not doing it.
No way! He can't stay in the Archive.
I have no staff and with the electricity turned off, no way of containing him during the full moon.
Tell him about the deal.
After some unfortunate encounters, we've made a pledge to avoid other supernaturals.
They're nothing but trouble.
Bobby's no trouble, are you, Bobby? Bobby? What is it? He does this.
It's nothing to He's thinking.
No, it's me.
- He's noticed our friend Alex.
She's a ghost.
- You hear that, Bobby? They have a ghost! Goodness gracious.
Why can't he go somewhere else? He needs to be billeted with people who have the experience and tools to deal with his condition.
And this household does owe me a favour.
For what? Cleaning up after Ian.
Speaking of whom, he has adopted the sobriquet Crumb and gone on a killing spree.
He's claimed at least six victims in the last month alone.
I haven't seen anything in the papers.
No, I have reason to believe he's formed an alliance with an ex-employee of mine.
Alan.
Together, they can kill at will and leave no trace.
I want you to deal with them.
However you see fit.
It's not my responsibility.
You made Crumb.
Besides, you've cost my department a lot of time and resources over the centuries.
This is your chance to give a little something back.
Big Society and so forth.
And Mr McNair will look after Bobby until I'm back.
No chance.
It wouldn't be for long.
What about work? He's not coming to work.
Look at him! What's your job? Erm, I'm assistant manager in a hotel.
Skill.
Is he being sarcastic? Truth be told, I'm never quite sure.
I'll be back before the full moon.
Bobby, do whatever Mr McNair says.
I'll show myself out.
DOOR CLOSES So, what are we going to say? Stop killing people? Who's there? Hello, Ian? It's Hal.
There is no Ian.
There is only Crumb! HE LAUGHS > OK Crumb.
It's still Hal.
And Alex.
Why didn't you say so? To what do I owe the pleasure? We've come to see if you need some help.
Do I look like I need help? Alan, we've got company! Not more pizza? No, no, I think they ran out of delivery boys.
Alan, this is Hal and Alex.
And this is Hazel.
Hal.
I've read your file.
Huge fan.
That's Alex? Alex-Alex? Yeah.
Jings.
You know, they say death is a natural aphrodisiac.
Crumb Ian.
This has to stop.
We don't want it to stop.
We've got blood, we've got girls Flaming Orc.
Look, I understand the thrill of this new-found power, the exhilaration, but I told you, it won't last.
Sooner or later it gives way to guilt, to horror We know what to do about that.
Hair of the dog! Just start all over again.
Would you just excuse us for a minute? They're nuts.
I say we stake them both and we get the hell out of here.
No.
Rook said I could deal with Crumb however I saw fit.
Yes.
And we both know that was posh boy talk for 'kebab him'.
There's been enough death and violence.
This is where it ends.
We can help him, and his friend.
For once, we can do some good.
< Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, that's right! Mm! I want to help you.
You had your chance when I came asking, remember? You didn't give a shit then? That was wrong of me.
But I want to make up for it now.
With our help, you can leave all this behind, both of you.
You can have careers, friends, even even lovers.
What, like you? Yes.
I have a full and rewarding life.
All right then.
What?! We're in.
When's Mr Rook coming back? I don't know.
What you doing? What's it look like? I'm not allowed to iron.
Last time I ironed something, my legs got burnt pretty badly.
How did? Never mind.
Can I take my shoes off? No.
Can I sit under the table? No.
Have you got an answering machine? Specifically the Bell-Tone 500.
How should? No we haven't! The Bell-Tone 500 was one of the last answering machines to use the little cassettes.
Brilliant that, honestly.
When's Mr Rook coming back? I don't know, mate.
Hello? > What are they doing here? I told him.
Whoa.
Who's he? A werewolf from the Archive.
What are you doing here? > I live here now.
Mr Tom's looking after me.
Bobby is another temporary guest.
"Another"?! Crumb and his friend Alan are going to be staying with us while we help get them off the blood.
Nice to see you again, housemate.
Tom! Look, by bringing them into our pact, we're making it bigger, stronger.
Helping them will help us! I don't trust them.
Good.
Don't.
They're junkies.
But with the right sort of help, they can change.
If I can be redeemed, surely they can too.
Fine, OK.
But I'm not clearing up any poo.
You can count me out.
I'm going to work.
Tom, as you may remember, the early stages of blood withdrawal can be quite frenetic.
I don't think it's a good idea for Bobby to be around that.
He's not going to the hotel, no way! Dude, why are you being such a dick? This isn't like you.
I'm not! Just look at him.
He's smelly and hairy and he asks loads of stupid questions all the time.
Oh my God.
You're a snob.
That's to Shut up, man.
No, he's right! You've got a house and you've got a job and you've become a snob! Big snob.
Ha! I don't believe it.
Nah, you don't know what you're ta Right, come on then, Bobby - we're leaving! Tom, before you go Can I have some of your blood? It's like Battersea bleeding Dogs Home in here.
Right, sit here.
Don't touch anything.
Don't talk to any guests and don't bother any of the staff.
As you can see, we're rushed off our feet.
It's huge.
Here we go.
What is? Can I sit in a smaller room? No.
This is a luxury dining suite suitable for intimate dinners for two or family celebrations.
Appreciate it, OK? Yeah? Thank you.
Because Alex can't be trusted, this will be your home by night.
You will experience nightmares, delusions, cramps, guilt.
You'll wish you were dead.
But when you make it through to the other side, you'll cherish life even more.
For the day, I have prepared a rigorous programme of housework, exercise, routine tasks, designed to suppress your cravings and control your appetites.
Contact with even the smallest drop of blood could resurrect my more monstrous side, so Alex has kindly agreed to assist us.
Should have worn my leotard.
Yeah, you should.
That'd be nice.
The one on the left, is the human blood you brought with you.
The one on the right, kindly donated by Tom, is werewolf blood One will dissolve your organs from the inside out.
The other will rot your soul, until there's nothing of you left.
Both will kill you One just more quickly than the other.
If, at any point in this process, you feel you can no longer resist, then these glasses will be here for you.
All you have to do is ask.
But if you take one, you must be prepared to die.
One way or the other Any questions? Why are you still here? What do you mean? He attacked me, recruited me, took me prisoner.
You were shocked, you were so hurt.
But you're still here, still friends.
Because he's fighting it.
Every day, he's trying to be something better.
And I don't know, I guess I admire that.
I respect it.
So, how long was you in that place? Have you got an answer machine here? A Bell-Tone 500? I doubt it.
So what happened, Bobby? I went fishing.
I caught a condom this big.
That's when it run past.
Cut my back and pushed me in the water.
I was 12.
I know that because it was my birthday a month later and the whole of my family come round for a barbecue.
A month later.
Oh, mate.
Mr Rook always says it was quick and they wouldn't have felt any pain.
It weren't your fault.
Mr Rook always says that I'm a savage and deadly predator that society should be protected from.
He must be right, he drives a Lexus.
Whatever.
You're out now.
It's a chance to do things different, a chance to make something of yourself.
Right, come on.
We'll start tomorrow.
I'm going to introduce you to the exciting world of hotel and leisure management.
HE PANTS NERVOUSLY WOMAN: Hello, you.
> CRUMB SCREAMS What's wrong? Can't you see her?! It'sthingy.
Hazel.
Hazel.
The girl we killed in the flat last night! There's nothing there.
It's just the lack of blood.
Now shut up, I'm trying to concentrate.
What are you doing? In the Archive, they taught how to get loose in case we ever got captured by one of your lot.
Our lot.
Nearly there.
No, I'm all right.
Don't worry about me.
ALAN'S VOICE: Don't tell me you're doing this for real.
I made a promise to Alex.
And Hal.
So? What's that got to do with? Oh, my God.
You fancy Alex! That's why you're doing this! Oh man, that's funny.
HAZEL: Really, if I wasn't already dead, I would die laughing.
I'm not listening to you! La la la la la la la la! You really think someone like Alex would go for a someone like you? Never mind me, that's the delusion.
Besides, she's totally shagging Hal.
She's not! They're just friends! Please.
There's Hal, body of a Greek God.
Then there's you, body of a Greek waiter.
Get off! Leave me alone! Girls like us never go for guys like you.
Forget what your mum said.
It's not about personality, it's not about, "Letting us see the special boy inside.
" I mean, you became a vampire, and you still had to kill me to get me.
I said, shut up! HE SCREAMS Totally uncalled for.
Hello, The Bobby Grand.
Barry speaking.
No.
It's the Barry Grand, and you're Bobby.
Sorry.
The Barry Grand and I'm Bobby.
Yeah.
The Barry Grand and I'm Bobby.
Sometimes I like to throw in, "What's the weather like where you are?" Gets them nice and relaxed before you tell them the price.
No, I This is all moving too fast for me.
No it's not, you can do it! I did it, so you can too.
But you're brilliant.
I think "brilliant" is a bit Am I? I don't know, like.
It's your decision, mate.
You are! You own a hotel, you wear a tie.
I wore a tie for Christmas 2006 and I burned me legs pretty badly.
How did? Never mind.
Shall we do it again then? Morning, patients! Where's Alan? He got out in the night, he tried to make me drink blood.
You're here to stop killing! I know, that's what I want, but he didn't! He was my only friend, and I put a stake through his heart because I want to be clean.
Look, I didn't touch the blood.
I could've tested it and drank it and driven the nightmares out, but I didn't because I want your help.
Please don't give up on me yet! Let's get started.
Come on! Feel that burn! HE GROANS We haveraspberry.
Somevanilla.
Now what you do is, circle it around the woods basically.
Circle it? On the ground! Alexwatch this.
Hello the Barry Grand.
Bobby speaking.
NoBobby! < CRUMB: I'm rolling now.
We'll see what we get.
You'll need that when you get to Yeoman's Market.
And relax What did you see? My niece.
I used to take her to Blackpool.
She was desperate to ride this old rollercoaster called the Mousetrap, so I'd stand her on me foot so she'd look tall enough.
It was brilliant, she screamed so loud! It was the same scream she made when I killed her mum.
Only that was horrible.
And it was even worse when I made her stop.
I need some blood.
No.
It's good, you need to feel it.
Because the next time you want to kill, that's what you remember.
You hold onto that memory, and you stop.
Do you understand? You stop.
What did you think of? This isn't about me.
I need to know you can be clean with things like that in your head.
Please? Sylvie.
I don't know why.
That was over 200 years ago.
What was she like? Breath-taking.
Curious, mischievous, opinionated infuriating.
Delicate one minute, foul mouthed the next.
My love for her was a physical ache in the pit of my belly that I never wanted to be free from.
Did she know what you were? But she thought she could save me.
She thought her love, her friendship, her body, would keep me strong and clean.
What happened? I always have a rough idea of when I am about to .
.
revert.
But this time, he came from nowhere.
I was out riding when suddenly I decided to turn my horse round, ride back to the house and kill everyone inside it.
As if I was deciding to change into a warmer coat.
I worked my way up from the kitchens and found her sitting on our bed.
She didn't look frightened, or even surprised.
Just disappointed.
She told me not to blame myself.
She said it was stupid of her to think she could change me.
I agreed.
And then I laughed.
Ah So that's why you're with Alex now.
You can't kill her.
I'm not "with" Alex.
Really? Two decks of cards - dinosaurs and Peppa Pig - but Hal - cover your ears - mixed together.
Knock yourselves out.
Excuse me.
Everything OK? It makes you think of all the horrible things you wish you'd never done in your life.
Yeah, I used to get like that on Sambuca.
So .
.
here we are again.
This keeps happening.
I'm not sure about "keeps".
HE COUGHS Do you remember when Hal first brought me here? Yeah, probably shouldn't have let you out in retrospect.
But you did.
Hmm, what does that tell us? How long can we keep up this charade? You'd be surprised! Alex May I treat you to a fish supper? Hold that thought.
Oh, he just asked me out on a date! At least I think he did anyway.
He asked me out for a fish supper.
Is that an English thing? I don't think that's a good idea.
Yeah, well I wasn't actually considering it.
I only told you so we could toss our heads back and laugh smugly, but once again you have ruined my fun.
In fact I'm not sure if it's worth continuing with this at all.
Are we ever truly safe? Can we ever really properly assimilate? Of course, look at you! I mean, one minute you're knee deep in virgins, the next you're having a letter read out on "You and Yours".
Alex, please.
No, what you said to Crumb was true, we can have a normal human life.
Isn't that why we're doing this? Not just for Crumb, but for everything.
The house, job, a Nectar card! It's to be human.
It's pretending.
It's dressing up.
No, it's keeping us safe.
It's stopping you from going on a killing spree, it's stopping me from going loopy like Mary.
All we're doing is marking time until the inevitable happens.
Kind of like life then? Hal, we have got to grab every scrap of normality that we can, whether that's watching rubbish telly, laughing, going on a crap date Going on a crap date! No.
Yeah.
No, you're not serious? Hey, I once ate 11 tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti to prove a point.
This, this is nothing.
Ha, yeah, I'm going to go out on a date with Crumb.
And I am going to show you that normality and all those human things are possible.
Don't get me wrong, if he tries anything, I will drop a piano on his head.
But apart from that, we're going to have a great time.
A great, normal time.
You watch.
VACUUM CLEANER BLARES Bobby.
Bobby! SHOUTING: Bobby! NOISE STOPS I got a present for you, mate.
It's the Bell-Tone 500.
Yeah, I got it off the eBay.
Would you plug it in for me? WOMAN: 'Hello Bobby-love.
Hope you had a good day at school.
'There's last night's macaroni cheese for your tea so pop it in the oven.
'My shift finishes at 10, so get yourself to bed after Shoestring.
Love you, monkey.
' Mum finished work late most nights so I'd just let myself in.
So she'd leave me messages because I liked hearing her voice.
They erm They let me take the answer phone into the Archive, but it got broken in 1997.
They'd stopped making them by then, so I haven't been able to listen to this.
Well, I'm really pleased you like it.
You do like it, don't you? I love it.
Bobby! Bobby! Bobby, put him down! My God! Mr Rook! I knew this would happen! Mr McNair, I can't apologise enough.
It's all right, he was just hugging me wasn't he? Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
I just need to sit down for a second.
How did it go with the Chinese? Not well.
They were more interested in what return they could get from their investment.
Because keeping the world safe clearly isn't enough of a fucking return! Anyway.
I promised I'd be back before the full moon, so here I am.
Now then, I was thinking, perhaps I can rig up some emergency lighting in the Archive? It's all right.
Mr Tom said that I can change in the cellar in his house.
I usually change there, but I'll go to the woods.
I've done it hundreds of times.
(He's done it hundreds of times.
) Yes, but this can't be a permanent arrangement, Bobby.
We agreed it wouldn't be safe, remember? No, listen, I know you love locking people up, but I'm looking after Bobby now.
He's not an animal, he's a nice guy.
He's got potential.
You could do brilliant things, mate.
No, Bobby, please! Just keep it inside you, man.
Mr Tom's going to teach me mountaineering, swimming.
He's one of the country's most sought-after lifeguards.
- Aren't you? - Hello, Mr Rook.
Crumb?! It's Ian, actually.
But you're So Hal decided to? Not kill him.
No.
Instead, Ian is working through his issues and making a fresh start.
Oh yes, I've come a long way from when you made me kill my niece! As I told you at the time, that was a tragic accident.
I thought seeing his family would have a stabilising effect.
No, it's fine, it's fine! That's all behind me.
I have developed coping strategies and found positive outlets for my energies.
In fact, tonight I shall be enjoying a meal with a young lady.
He means Alex.
The ghost.
And Alan? Irredeemable and remorseless.
He was about to go on a rampage, but thankfully Ianintervened.
Well that's That's wonderful.
I must confess, I I never imagined that you and Bobby would adapt to the world quite so smoothly.
Clearly my work here, as they say, is done.
You could work here! One of the maid's has got impetigo.
You're very kind, but The Ministry for Agriculture are looking for a junior researcher.
I suppose after running an entire department with an annual budget of ã100 million, it could be considered a bit of a backwards step, but needs must.
I shall bid you farewell.
HATCH: I'd know that suit anywhere.
Yes, vampires they were.
They tied me in chains and incanted spells.
Savages.
I thought I was done for.
And then there you were! The boys in grey.
No, I'd be burning in hell if it wasn't for your lot.
You can imagine my shock when I found one of them was working here? And a werewolf too! I wanted to get your lot round here with a big net.
How did you know what they were? The vampire's careless.
Stands in front of mirrors then realises and runs away.
Someone points a camera at him and he nearly jumps out of the window.
And the wolf? Well that was a guess.
He disappears every full moon.
Turns up the next morning, looking knackered.
Anyway, here you are.
Which one of them are you after? Neither, I'm afraid.
For one thing, they seem to have rehabilitated.
Oh, you don't believe that, do you? Doesn't matter what I believe.
My department has been dissolved.
No, no.
This won't do at all.
I can only spend ã12.
Well, I can't actually eat, so you just knock yourself out.
Oh.
Excellent! Must be nice, knowing you'll never get fat.
I know what you women are like.
Mind you, just as well, no-one likes a fat girl.
And believe me, they are not all jolly.
HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS Waiter.
SHE LAUGHS Waiter! How's it going? Brilliant.
Ian is fascinating.
Already covered loads of topics.
My 11 favourite cheeses Yeah, it's a riot.
Of normality.
Right.
Ready to order? Question.
Does the "Pommes Anna" come with "Frites"? GCSE French.
Exam and oral.
Ooh, la la.
Actually "Pommes Anna" is a potato dish Mm-hmm.
But let me ask Chef.
And for madam? Oh, she's not eating.
Oh? She's dead.
Yes.
No, that's er, a fair point.
You see, I just forget sometimes.
But you know what? I never had lobster.
I think I'd have that.
Not for 28 quid, you wouldn't! No, of course.
It would be a waste, wouldn't it? Very prudent.
Good! There's a full moon tonight.
How many werewolves are there in this country? About 35 registered.
We estimate the same number again unknown and at large.
All those monsters, out there right now.
It makes your blood run cold.
And with your department gone, there'll be nothing to stop them.
It's only a matter of time before one attacks, I don't know, a party of Girl Guides out camping.
And then they'll be begging you to return.
I don't doubt it.
It'll be too late for the poor little blighters with their faces ripped off.
If only the powers that be could get a taste of the chaos they're about to create.
I've tried something like that already.
Last month, I filmed a vampire killing members of his own family.
I thought if the minister could see what they were capable of What did he say? "This is within allowable parameters of carnage.
" How many does he want?! Well that's a very interesting question.
How many does he want? I'm not sure you can put a figure on it.
He clearly thinks you can.
Well, four? Ten? A dozen? I don't know.
A major policy shift? Ten, minimum.
But the point is That's the problem, isn't it? You want to keep it to a minimum, of course, but you can't arrange something like that.
You can't choose how many people they savage.
You can't contain them in that way.
What is it, son? Nothing, a stupid idea.
Well, I won't tell a soul.
Please, sanctity of the confessional and all that.
The two werewolves here one is going to the woods.
The other, to his companion's cellar.
Ah.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, I see where you're going.
If he was not to make it No, no.
The guests Widows and sales reps? It's them or the Girl Guides.
Right, there's the keys.
You want to get going in the next ten to be safe.
Good luck.
Thanks, Tom.
Eurgh, flat.
It tastes like piss.
Oh.
I'll get you something else.
We have a wide selection of bottled beers.
Bottled beer? Do I look like a Spaniard? Change the barrel.
Oh, unless you've got something better to do? No, no, it's fine.
BOBBY: I can do this.
Tom said, "Like a clock, ready to rock.
"Like a clock, ready to rock.
"Like a clock, ready to rock.
"Like a clock, ready to rock" Yes! High five! KEYS TURN IN LOCK > Hello? THUMPING ON DOOR < Hello?! Help! Please! Hello? Hello! The door's shut on me, you've got to let me out! I've got to be somewhere very important! Please! Please, open the door! Please! Please! Please let me out! Please! You've got to let me out of here! Please! Please! Please! So, if you want to repel an enemy horde, or ward off a spell from an evil warlock, what do you do? Er, phone a friend, I don't know.
You use your amulet! It's like you're not listening! Can I get you anything else? No, we are great! Tell me more about Flaming Dork.
Orc.
Whatever.
Well, just call me if there is.
Yeah.
So, what's going on? What? Hal's just having a little bit of a crisis of faith.
So I just want to prove to him that people like us can still do all the normal stuff we used to - you know, like, go for dinner, talk about nothing Right.
No, that makes sense.
See, I thought you were here because you liked me.
No, it's all right, it's all just slotted into place.
Wait, I'm not explaining this very well.
Er You gave me a look earlier.
I've not been on many dates, but they both gave me that same look.
Sort of, irritation and pity.
I thought, "You're being paranoid, Ian.
"You're one of the undead now.
Things must be different.
" No, Dead Hazel was right.
Some stuff follows you everywhere.
I didn't mean that.
I just meant You don't even see me.
You just see him.
SHOUTING: You're not the one who's invisible! Oh.
What shall we have for dessert? I think I'll have profiteroles.
Why don't you? Go on.
Have some fucking profiteroles! MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello? What's the weather like where you are? Bobby? Are you all right, mate? Well, I managed to change a beer barrel, but now I'm locked in the barrel room.
It's OK though.
What? Isn't it? No, Bobby! Someone will hear you, they'll come down! TOM AND BOBBY SCREAM BOBBY SCREAMS AND GRUNTS HE SCREAMS HOWLING It's done.
Relax.
It's for the greater good.
Three-card brag? I'll just go and see what's going on.
Anyone got 50 pence for the meter? LOW GROWLING Is that your stomach? Oh my God.
Bobby? Bobby! You're not hustling me, are you, Captain? Everyone stay calm.
It's just a stray from outside.
Come on, Bobby.
SNARLING Everybody out! ALARM SOUNDS Bobby! Bobby! Bobby! Everybody out! Not you! What are you doing? Bobby! Bobby! Bobby! This way! No Bobby, come to me.
He can smell that you're vampires.
Lead him away from the humans, get them safe.
Ground-floor west is empty.
I'm not staying here as bait! Keep him between us and don't let him see you're scared! Bobby, this way! I can't, I can't! He's going to lead Bobby to the guests! Crumb, don't let him get outside! I got it.
HE SCREAMS AND YELPS BOBBY ROARS Bobby, no! Bobby! I think I've had an accident.
All in.
Let's do this.
ROARING Tom?! Hal! It's all gone wrong.
I should go and see what's happened.
It's them.
You've got to do something about them.
Hal and Tom.
They'll ruin everything.
We'll never have the chaos we need while they're around.
We should try a different approach.
You can't go back now! You've unlocked the door, you've made your choice.
You're damned already, boy.
Soaked in blood, you just don't know it.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Mr Rook, I do apologise, please forgive me.
It's just maybe our only chance.
We haven't finished our game.
What did you have? Ah, the Trinity.
Very good.
Hard to beat.
But not impossible.
Do you think Tom'll be OK? If he had the wherewithal to protect me, we'll just have to hope he can look after Bobby.
See? Totally normal.
THEY LAUGH CRUMB: Isn't this nice? You do make a handsome couple.
Dude, seriously, shut up, all right? If a human fancies another human, then they send a flirty text.
So, is using and humiliating someone else a supernatural thing? Cos I'm still getting to grips with it all! You've got completely the wrong idea about our relationship.
I feel frightened and humiliated and it's making me thirsty.
I need to go home now! Yeah, it was a burst pipe, fused the circuits.
Until it's mended, the whole of West Block is out of commission, so move any guests to East Block.
No, no, no.
Don't let anyone enter West Block, do you understand? OK, look, there's something I need to I'll be back in 20 minutes.
The blood-lust will spike occasionally, it's perfectly normal.
Especially at times of stress.
Such as a werewolf attack.
I'll strap you in the chair overnight, you'll be absolutely fine.
It's true then? You and Alex? It doesn't matter what we feel, the situation Look.
Ian.
It's been a long night.
We'll talk tomorrow.
Lead on, MacDuff.
GROANING Bobby! Where are we? Have they locked us up again? No, it's all right, mate.
We're at the hotel.
Did we kill anyone? No.
But it was close.
Look, I'm sorry.
I should have made sure you were safely locked up at home.
You got here in the end.
Yeah, but I shouldn't have had to.
And it's not just that.
Erm, I might have exaggerated a bit about some of the things I've done.
Like, I weren't engaged to Vanessa Mae and I ain't got a Commonwealth medal in the discus.
I just said it to impress you, like.
I thought as much.
You didn't need to though.
I thought you was brilliant as soon as I met you.
Really? Yeah.
You had me at "Hotel and Leisure Management".
Thanks, Bobby.
Ah.
Thought I heard voices.
Should I come back in a minute? Get off me, Bobby! Inside, always keep it inside.
It's a fresh start.
I'm going to go to night-school, get some O-levels.
I'm going to do a first aid course, I'm going to learn a new language and Tom says I can stay here permanently.
Oh, and this was decided when, exactly? Erm, I just thought it would be a nice surprise.
It certainly is that.
Er, do me a favour, let me know when you're telling Hal.
There is no way I'm missing that.
Speaking of Hal, actually, should he not be back? Oh, he must have got held up at home.
I'll go and check.
We need some new clothes anyway.
Cool, I'll come with you.
Right, Bobby, you're in charge mate, yeah? It's still early, so just man the phones and let the kitchen take care of breakfast.
Yeah? Thanks.
I can do this.
Oi.
Rin Tin Tin.
What kind of useless werewolf are you? MUMBLING: You can't even I'm sorry sir, I can't hear you.
Come closer.
Wakey, wakey, Lord Hal.
It's not like you need the beauty sleep, is it? Not nice, is it? Waking up in here, not sure whether you've been bummed or not.
What do you want? I want you to feel helpless and alone.
All this time, you've been trying to turn me into you.
Well, I want you to see what my world is like.
I haven't been trying to turn you into anything.
I just wanted to remind you of the life you had, the life you can have again.
Yeah, the life I had until you turned me into a vampire, like you! Crumb.
Ian.
You need to let me out.
That was a laugh, but then back you came and said I had to be all clean and tidy, like you.
Listen to me.
I'm not feeling Crumb! He's coming! Let me out! I'll never be like you! I'll never look like you! I'll never have the things you had.
I'll never have Alex! You think I will? You think I could ever allow myself to love someone ever again? I'm irredeemable! I killed and destroyed everyone I ever cared about.
Crumb, let me out! What are you do? Hal?! Crumb Your face.
You thought you'd lost your reflection, didn't you? Well take a good look, boy.
This is you.
This is us.
We're not cursed, we are the curse.
But you said I can have a life again He lied.
You might get If you're lucky and stupid enough to try.
But it won't last.
It'll find you.
It always finds you.
HE GASPS FOR BREATH He was here, wasn't he? Every day he's getting nearer, like a tidal wave.
It's not long now.
He's going to destroy everything.
Is that going to be me one day? It's the waiting I can't stand.
The fight between good and bad.
I just want it to stop! I bet you can relate to that.
So let's force fate's hand.
Let's cut to the last chapter.
Drink the werewolf blood and you save yourself, save everyone else.
Drink the human blood and you become that monster again.
For good and proper.
I half expected you to hit me then.
Why fight? Exactly.
Dealer's choice.
Cheers.
ALEX: Hal? Iechyd da.
What are you two doing down? Looks like I win.
What's going on?! Hal, were you going to drink that? I don't know.
I really don't know.
Bobby! Bobby? HE SNIFFS THE AIR He's in here, must be having a nap.
Thank you for doing this.
I'm sorry, I know it must My department is closed! You don't know how many favours I had to call in for this! And to cover up that mess last night I think we're quits on favours.
I don't understand, he was so happy.
He was looking forward to moving in and everything.
He was what?! Which would have been great fun.
It's my fault, it was the shock of last night.
I should've made sure he'd got home safe.
This doesn't make sense.
Something must have happened.
She made me feel things.
What things? Feelings.
Please, you must have leftover stock What's up with you tonight? Every time I think I know who you are, it turns out I'm wrong.
Usually because someone's dead! HE LAUGHS
I don't need blood any more.
You stay away.
You are regret and disgust and nothing more! You want to talk to the real me? Hello! 'I believe I have some work for you.
' I'll be right over.
Bobby.
Excellent.
I see you've started packing.
How long will I be there? Not long.
A few days.
A week at the most.
Then you'll come right back.
This is what you said was happening.
"I have to talk to the Chinese from China.
"You know China, don't you Bobby? "They're going to give us funding so we can keep the Archive open "and I I can carry on doing my job.
" Then I said, "The Chinese eat rice.
" And you said, "Yes and if we get their funding, perhaps we'll have to eat rice too.
"We could have sweet and sour chicken chow mein.
" and then I said, "I don't like rice.
" And then you did that thing where you smile, but that vein in your head sort of pulses.
Yes, that seems a pretty thorough This werewolf I believe he's called Tom.
Is he nice? We've barely Yes, he's very nice.
I don't want to go.
Bobby, they're about to cut the electricity.
It'll be jolly cold and there won't be any lights.
All the same.
It'll be jolly creepy.
This isn't a permanent arrangement.
I hope I've made that clear.
Once I've secured the funding, you'll be brought straight back! Plus all my posters are here.
I'm sure Tom wouldn't mind if you took a couple with you.
But more importantly, Bobby, the locks are linked to the grid! With the electricity gone we won't have any way of containing you.
Do you understand what that means?! I'll take Burt Reynolds and Worzel Gummage, please.
Nah, I'm not doing it.
No way! He can't stay in the Archive.
I have no staff and with the electricity turned off, no way of containing him during the full moon.
Tell him about the deal.
After some unfortunate encounters, we've made a pledge to avoid other supernaturals.
They're nothing but trouble.
Bobby's no trouble, are you, Bobby? Bobby? What is it? He does this.
It's nothing to He's thinking.
No, it's me.
- He's noticed our friend Alex.
She's a ghost.
- You hear that, Bobby? They have a ghost! Goodness gracious.
Why can't he go somewhere else? He needs to be billeted with people who have the experience and tools to deal with his condition.
And this household does owe me a favour.
For what? Cleaning up after Ian.
Speaking of whom, he has adopted the sobriquet Crumb and gone on a killing spree.
He's claimed at least six victims in the last month alone.
I haven't seen anything in the papers.
No, I have reason to believe he's formed an alliance with an ex-employee of mine.
Alan.
Together, they can kill at will and leave no trace.
I want you to deal with them.
However you see fit.
It's not my responsibility.
You made Crumb.
Besides, you've cost my department a lot of time and resources over the centuries.
This is your chance to give a little something back.
Big Society and so forth.
And Mr McNair will look after Bobby until I'm back.
No chance.
It wouldn't be for long.
What about work? He's not coming to work.
Look at him! What's your job? Erm, I'm assistant manager in a hotel.
Skill.
Is he being sarcastic? Truth be told, I'm never quite sure.
I'll be back before the full moon.
Bobby, do whatever Mr McNair says.
I'll show myself out.
DOOR CLOSES So, what are we going to say? Stop killing people? Who's there? Hello, Ian? It's Hal.
There is no Ian.
There is only Crumb! HE LAUGHS > OK Crumb.
It's still Hal.
And Alex.
Why didn't you say so? To what do I owe the pleasure? We've come to see if you need some help.
Do I look like I need help? Alan, we've got company! Not more pizza? No, no, I think they ran out of delivery boys.
Alan, this is Hal and Alex.
And this is Hazel.
Hal.
I've read your file.
Huge fan.
That's Alex? Alex-Alex? Yeah.
Jings.
You know, they say death is a natural aphrodisiac.
Crumb Ian.
This has to stop.
We don't want it to stop.
We've got blood, we've got girls Flaming Orc.
Look, I understand the thrill of this new-found power, the exhilaration, but I told you, it won't last.
Sooner or later it gives way to guilt, to horror We know what to do about that.
Hair of the dog! Just start all over again.
Would you just excuse us for a minute? They're nuts.
I say we stake them both and we get the hell out of here.
No.
Rook said I could deal with Crumb however I saw fit.
Yes.
And we both know that was posh boy talk for 'kebab him'.
There's been enough death and violence.
This is where it ends.
We can help him, and his friend.
For once, we can do some good.
< Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, that's right! Mm! I want to help you.
You had your chance when I came asking, remember? You didn't give a shit then? That was wrong of me.
But I want to make up for it now.
With our help, you can leave all this behind, both of you.
You can have careers, friends, even even lovers.
What, like you? Yes.
I have a full and rewarding life.
All right then.
What?! We're in.
When's Mr Rook coming back? I don't know.
What you doing? What's it look like? I'm not allowed to iron.
Last time I ironed something, my legs got burnt pretty badly.
How did? Never mind.
Can I take my shoes off? No.
Can I sit under the table? No.
Have you got an answering machine? Specifically the Bell-Tone 500.
How should? No we haven't! The Bell-Tone 500 was one of the last answering machines to use the little cassettes.
Brilliant that, honestly.
When's Mr Rook coming back? I don't know, mate.
Hello? > What are they doing here? I told him.
Whoa.
Who's he? A werewolf from the Archive.
What are you doing here? > I live here now.
Mr Tom's looking after me.
Bobby is another temporary guest.
"Another"?! Crumb and his friend Alan are going to be staying with us while we help get them off the blood.
Nice to see you again, housemate.
Tom! Look, by bringing them into our pact, we're making it bigger, stronger.
Helping them will help us! I don't trust them.
Good.
Don't.
They're junkies.
But with the right sort of help, they can change.
If I can be redeemed, surely they can too.
Fine, OK.
But I'm not clearing up any poo.
You can count me out.
I'm going to work.
Tom, as you may remember, the early stages of blood withdrawal can be quite frenetic.
I don't think it's a good idea for Bobby to be around that.
He's not going to the hotel, no way! Dude, why are you being such a dick? This isn't like you.
I'm not! Just look at him.
He's smelly and hairy and he asks loads of stupid questions all the time.
Oh my God.
You're a snob.
That's to Shut up, man.
No, he's right! You've got a house and you've got a job and you've become a snob! Big snob.
Ha! I don't believe it.
Nah, you don't know what you're ta Right, come on then, Bobby - we're leaving! Tom, before you go Can I have some of your blood? It's like Battersea bleeding Dogs Home in here.
Right, sit here.
Don't touch anything.
Don't talk to any guests and don't bother any of the staff.
As you can see, we're rushed off our feet.
It's huge.
Here we go.
What is? Can I sit in a smaller room? No.
This is a luxury dining suite suitable for intimate dinners for two or family celebrations.
Appreciate it, OK? Yeah? Thank you.
Because Alex can't be trusted, this will be your home by night.
You will experience nightmares, delusions, cramps, guilt.
You'll wish you were dead.
But when you make it through to the other side, you'll cherish life even more.
For the day, I have prepared a rigorous programme of housework, exercise, routine tasks, designed to suppress your cravings and control your appetites.
Contact with even the smallest drop of blood could resurrect my more monstrous side, so Alex has kindly agreed to assist us.
Should have worn my leotard.
Yeah, you should.
That'd be nice.
The one on the left, is the human blood you brought with you.
The one on the right, kindly donated by Tom, is werewolf blood One will dissolve your organs from the inside out.
The other will rot your soul, until there's nothing of you left.
Both will kill you One just more quickly than the other.
If, at any point in this process, you feel you can no longer resist, then these glasses will be here for you.
All you have to do is ask.
But if you take one, you must be prepared to die.
One way or the other Any questions? Why are you still here? What do you mean? He attacked me, recruited me, took me prisoner.
You were shocked, you were so hurt.
But you're still here, still friends.
Because he's fighting it.
Every day, he's trying to be something better.
And I don't know, I guess I admire that.
I respect it.
So, how long was you in that place? Have you got an answer machine here? A Bell-Tone 500? I doubt it.
So what happened, Bobby? I went fishing.
I caught a condom this big.
That's when it run past.
Cut my back and pushed me in the water.
I was 12.
I know that because it was my birthday a month later and the whole of my family come round for a barbecue.
A month later.
Oh, mate.
Mr Rook always says it was quick and they wouldn't have felt any pain.
It weren't your fault.
Mr Rook always says that I'm a savage and deadly predator that society should be protected from.
He must be right, he drives a Lexus.
Whatever.
You're out now.
It's a chance to do things different, a chance to make something of yourself.
Right, come on.
We'll start tomorrow.
I'm going to introduce you to the exciting world of hotel and leisure management.
HE PANTS NERVOUSLY WOMAN: Hello, you.
> CRUMB SCREAMS What's wrong? Can't you see her?! It'sthingy.
Hazel.
Hazel.
The girl we killed in the flat last night! There's nothing there.
It's just the lack of blood.
Now shut up, I'm trying to concentrate.
What are you doing? In the Archive, they taught how to get loose in case we ever got captured by one of your lot.
Our lot.
Nearly there.
No, I'm all right.
Don't worry about me.
ALAN'S VOICE: Don't tell me you're doing this for real.
I made a promise to Alex.
And Hal.
So? What's that got to do with? Oh, my God.
You fancy Alex! That's why you're doing this! Oh man, that's funny.
HAZEL: Really, if I wasn't already dead, I would die laughing.
I'm not listening to you! La la la la la la la la! You really think someone like Alex would go for a someone like you? Never mind me, that's the delusion.
Besides, she's totally shagging Hal.
She's not! They're just friends! Please.
There's Hal, body of a Greek God.
Then there's you, body of a Greek waiter.
Get off! Leave me alone! Girls like us never go for guys like you.
Forget what your mum said.
It's not about personality, it's not about, "Letting us see the special boy inside.
" I mean, you became a vampire, and you still had to kill me to get me.
I said, shut up! HE SCREAMS Totally uncalled for.
Hello, The Bobby Grand.
Barry speaking.
No.
It's the Barry Grand, and you're Bobby.
Sorry.
The Barry Grand and I'm Bobby.
Yeah.
The Barry Grand and I'm Bobby.
Sometimes I like to throw in, "What's the weather like where you are?" Gets them nice and relaxed before you tell them the price.
No, I This is all moving too fast for me.
No it's not, you can do it! I did it, so you can too.
But you're brilliant.
I think "brilliant" is a bit Am I? I don't know, like.
It's your decision, mate.
You are! You own a hotel, you wear a tie.
I wore a tie for Christmas 2006 and I burned me legs pretty badly.
How did? Never mind.
Shall we do it again then? Morning, patients! Where's Alan? He got out in the night, he tried to make me drink blood.
You're here to stop killing! I know, that's what I want, but he didn't! He was my only friend, and I put a stake through his heart because I want to be clean.
Look, I didn't touch the blood.
I could've tested it and drank it and driven the nightmares out, but I didn't because I want your help.
Please don't give up on me yet! Let's get started.
Come on! Feel that burn! HE GROANS We haveraspberry.
Somevanilla.
Now what you do is, circle it around the woods basically.
Circle it? On the ground! Alexwatch this.
Hello the Barry Grand.
Bobby speaking.
NoBobby! < CRUMB: I'm rolling now.
We'll see what we get.
You'll need that when you get to Yeoman's Market.
And relax What did you see? My niece.
I used to take her to Blackpool.
She was desperate to ride this old rollercoaster called the Mousetrap, so I'd stand her on me foot so she'd look tall enough.
It was brilliant, she screamed so loud! It was the same scream she made when I killed her mum.
Only that was horrible.
And it was even worse when I made her stop.
I need some blood.
No.
It's good, you need to feel it.
Because the next time you want to kill, that's what you remember.
You hold onto that memory, and you stop.
Do you understand? You stop.
What did you think of? This isn't about me.
I need to know you can be clean with things like that in your head.
Please? Sylvie.
I don't know why.
That was over 200 years ago.
What was she like? Breath-taking.
Curious, mischievous, opinionated infuriating.
Delicate one minute, foul mouthed the next.
My love for her was a physical ache in the pit of my belly that I never wanted to be free from.
Did she know what you were? But she thought she could save me.
She thought her love, her friendship, her body, would keep me strong and clean.
What happened? I always have a rough idea of when I am about to .
.
revert.
But this time, he came from nowhere.
I was out riding when suddenly I decided to turn my horse round, ride back to the house and kill everyone inside it.
As if I was deciding to change into a warmer coat.
I worked my way up from the kitchens and found her sitting on our bed.
She didn't look frightened, or even surprised.
Just disappointed.
She told me not to blame myself.
She said it was stupid of her to think she could change me.
I agreed.
And then I laughed.
Ah So that's why you're with Alex now.
You can't kill her.
I'm not "with" Alex.
Really? Two decks of cards - dinosaurs and Peppa Pig - but Hal - cover your ears - mixed together.
Knock yourselves out.
Excuse me.
Everything OK? It makes you think of all the horrible things you wish you'd never done in your life.
Yeah, I used to get like that on Sambuca.
So .
.
here we are again.
This keeps happening.
I'm not sure about "keeps".
HE COUGHS Do you remember when Hal first brought me here? Yeah, probably shouldn't have let you out in retrospect.
But you did.
Hmm, what does that tell us? How long can we keep up this charade? You'd be surprised! Alex May I treat you to a fish supper? Hold that thought.
Oh, he just asked me out on a date! At least I think he did anyway.
He asked me out for a fish supper.
Is that an English thing? I don't think that's a good idea.
Yeah, well I wasn't actually considering it.
I only told you so we could toss our heads back and laugh smugly, but once again you have ruined my fun.
In fact I'm not sure if it's worth continuing with this at all.
Are we ever truly safe? Can we ever really properly assimilate? Of course, look at you! I mean, one minute you're knee deep in virgins, the next you're having a letter read out on "You and Yours".
Alex, please.
No, what you said to Crumb was true, we can have a normal human life.
Isn't that why we're doing this? Not just for Crumb, but for everything.
The house, job, a Nectar card! It's to be human.
It's pretending.
It's dressing up.
No, it's keeping us safe.
It's stopping you from going on a killing spree, it's stopping me from going loopy like Mary.
All we're doing is marking time until the inevitable happens.
Kind of like life then? Hal, we have got to grab every scrap of normality that we can, whether that's watching rubbish telly, laughing, going on a crap date Going on a crap date! No.
Yeah.
No, you're not serious? Hey, I once ate 11 tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti to prove a point.
This, this is nothing.
Ha, yeah, I'm going to go out on a date with Crumb.
And I am going to show you that normality and all those human things are possible.
Don't get me wrong, if he tries anything, I will drop a piano on his head.
But apart from that, we're going to have a great time.
A great, normal time.
You watch.
VACUUM CLEANER BLARES Bobby.
Bobby! SHOUTING: Bobby! NOISE STOPS I got a present for you, mate.
It's the Bell-Tone 500.
Yeah, I got it off the eBay.
Would you plug it in for me? WOMAN: 'Hello Bobby-love.
Hope you had a good day at school.
'There's last night's macaroni cheese for your tea so pop it in the oven.
'My shift finishes at 10, so get yourself to bed after Shoestring.
Love you, monkey.
' Mum finished work late most nights so I'd just let myself in.
So she'd leave me messages because I liked hearing her voice.
They erm They let me take the answer phone into the Archive, but it got broken in 1997.
They'd stopped making them by then, so I haven't been able to listen to this.
Well, I'm really pleased you like it.
You do like it, don't you? I love it.
Bobby! Bobby! Bobby, put him down! My God! Mr Rook! I knew this would happen! Mr McNair, I can't apologise enough.
It's all right, he was just hugging me wasn't he? Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
I just need to sit down for a second.
How did it go with the Chinese? Not well.
They were more interested in what return they could get from their investment.
Because keeping the world safe clearly isn't enough of a fucking return! Anyway.
I promised I'd be back before the full moon, so here I am.
Now then, I was thinking, perhaps I can rig up some emergency lighting in the Archive? It's all right.
Mr Tom said that I can change in the cellar in his house.
I usually change there, but I'll go to the woods.
I've done it hundreds of times.
(He's done it hundreds of times.
) Yes, but this can't be a permanent arrangement, Bobby.
We agreed it wouldn't be safe, remember? No, listen, I know you love locking people up, but I'm looking after Bobby now.
He's not an animal, he's a nice guy.
He's got potential.
You could do brilliant things, mate.
No, Bobby, please! Just keep it inside you, man.
Mr Tom's going to teach me mountaineering, swimming.
He's one of the country's most sought-after lifeguards.
- Aren't you? - Hello, Mr Rook.
Crumb?! It's Ian, actually.
But you're So Hal decided to? Not kill him.
No.
Instead, Ian is working through his issues and making a fresh start.
Oh yes, I've come a long way from when you made me kill my niece! As I told you at the time, that was a tragic accident.
I thought seeing his family would have a stabilising effect.
No, it's fine, it's fine! That's all behind me.
I have developed coping strategies and found positive outlets for my energies.
In fact, tonight I shall be enjoying a meal with a young lady.
He means Alex.
The ghost.
And Alan? Irredeemable and remorseless.
He was about to go on a rampage, but thankfully Ianintervened.
Well that's That's wonderful.
I must confess, I I never imagined that you and Bobby would adapt to the world quite so smoothly.
Clearly my work here, as they say, is done.
You could work here! One of the maid's has got impetigo.
You're very kind, but The Ministry for Agriculture are looking for a junior researcher.
I suppose after running an entire department with an annual budget of ã100 million, it could be considered a bit of a backwards step, but needs must.
I shall bid you farewell.
HATCH: I'd know that suit anywhere.
Yes, vampires they were.
They tied me in chains and incanted spells.
Savages.
I thought I was done for.
And then there you were! The boys in grey.
No, I'd be burning in hell if it wasn't for your lot.
You can imagine my shock when I found one of them was working here? And a werewolf too! I wanted to get your lot round here with a big net.
How did you know what they were? The vampire's careless.
Stands in front of mirrors then realises and runs away.
Someone points a camera at him and he nearly jumps out of the window.
And the wolf? Well that was a guess.
He disappears every full moon.
Turns up the next morning, looking knackered.
Anyway, here you are.
Which one of them are you after? Neither, I'm afraid.
For one thing, they seem to have rehabilitated.
Oh, you don't believe that, do you? Doesn't matter what I believe.
My department has been dissolved.
No, no.
This won't do at all.
I can only spend ã12.
Well, I can't actually eat, so you just knock yourself out.
Oh.
Excellent! Must be nice, knowing you'll never get fat.
I know what you women are like.
Mind you, just as well, no-one likes a fat girl.
And believe me, they are not all jolly.
HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS Waiter.
SHE LAUGHS Waiter! How's it going? Brilliant.
Ian is fascinating.
Already covered loads of topics.
My 11 favourite cheeses Yeah, it's a riot.
Of normality.
Right.
Ready to order? Question.
Does the "Pommes Anna" come with "Frites"? GCSE French.
Exam and oral.
Ooh, la la.
Actually "Pommes Anna" is a potato dish Mm-hmm.
But let me ask Chef.
And for madam? Oh, she's not eating.
Oh? She's dead.
Yes.
No, that's er, a fair point.
You see, I just forget sometimes.
But you know what? I never had lobster.
I think I'd have that.
Not for 28 quid, you wouldn't! No, of course.
It would be a waste, wouldn't it? Very prudent.
Good! There's a full moon tonight.
How many werewolves are there in this country? About 35 registered.
We estimate the same number again unknown and at large.
All those monsters, out there right now.
It makes your blood run cold.
And with your department gone, there'll be nothing to stop them.
It's only a matter of time before one attacks, I don't know, a party of Girl Guides out camping.
And then they'll be begging you to return.
I don't doubt it.
It'll be too late for the poor little blighters with their faces ripped off.
If only the powers that be could get a taste of the chaos they're about to create.
I've tried something like that already.
Last month, I filmed a vampire killing members of his own family.
I thought if the minister could see what they were capable of What did he say? "This is within allowable parameters of carnage.
" How many does he want?! Well that's a very interesting question.
How many does he want? I'm not sure you can put a figure on it.
He clearly thinks you can.
Well, four? Ten? A dozen? I don't know.
A major policy shift? Ten, minimum.
But the point is That's the problem, isn't it? You want to keep it to a minimum, of course, but you can't arrange something like that.
You can't choose how many people they savage.
You can't contain them in that way.
What is it, son? Nothing, a stupid idea.
Well, I won't tell a soul.
Please, sanctity of the confessional and all that.
The two werewolves here one is going to the woods.
The other, to his companion's cellar.
Ah.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, I see where you're going.
If he was not to make it No, no.
The guests Widows and sales reps? It's them or the Girl Guides.
Right, there's the keys.
You want to get going in the next ten to be safe.
Good luck.
Thanks, Tom.
Eurgh, flat.
It tastes like piss.
Oh.
I'll get you something else.
We have a wide selection of bottled beers.
Bottled beer? Do I look like a Spaniard? Change the barrel.
Oh, unless you've got something better to do? No, no, it's fine.
BOBBY: I can do this.
Tom said, "Like a clock, ready to rock.
"Like a clock, ready to rock.
"Like a clock, ready to rock.
"Like a clock, ready to rock" Yes! High five! KEYS TURN IN LOCK > Hello? THUMPING ON DOOR < Hello?! Help! Please! Hello? Hello! The door's shut on me, you've got to let me out! I've got to be somewhere very important! Please! Please, open the door! Please! Please! Please let me out! Please! You've got to let me out of here! Please! Please! Please! So, if you want to repel an enemy horde, or ward off a spell from an evil warlock, what do you do? Er, phone a friend, I don't know.
You use your amulet! It's like you're not listening! Can I get you anything else? No, we are great! Tell me more about Flaming Dork.
Orc.
Whatever.
Well, just call me if there is.
Yeah.
So, what's going on? What? Hal's just having a little bit of a crisis of faith.
So I just want to prove to him that people like us can still do all the normal stuff we used to - you know, like, go for dinner, talk about nothing Right.
No, that makes sense.
See, I thought you were here because you liked me.
No, it's all right, it's all just slotted into place.
Wait, I'm not explaining this very well.
Er You gave me a look earlier.
I've not been on many dates, but they both gave me that same look.
Sort of, irritation and pity.
I thought, "You're being paranoid, Ian.
"You're one of the undead now.
Things must be different.
" No, Dead Hazel was right.
Some stuff follows you everywhere.
I didn't mean that.
I just meant You don't even see me.
You just see him.
SHOUTING: You're not the one who's invisible! Oh.
What shall we have for dessert? I think I'll have profiteroles.
Why don't you? Go on.
Have some fucking profiteroles! MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello? What's the weather like where you are? Bobby? Are you all right, mate? Well, I managed to change a beer barrel, but now I'm locked in the barrel room.
It's OK though.
What? Isn't it? No, Bobby! Someone will hear you, they'll come down! TOM AND BOBBY SCREAM BOBBY SCREAMS AND GRUNTS HE SCREAMS HOWLING It's done.
Relax.
It's for the greater good.
Three-card brag? I'll just go and see what's going on.
Anyone got 50 pence for the meter? LOW GROWLING Is that your stomach? Oh my God.
Bobby? Bobby! You're not hustling me, are you, Captain? Everyone stay calm.
It's just a stray from outside.
Come on, Bobby.
SNARLING Everybody out! ALARM SOUNDS Bobby! Bobby! Bobby! Everybody out! Not you! What are you doing? Bobby! Bobby! Bobby! This way! No Bobby, come to me.
He can smell that you're vampires.
Lead him away from the humans, get them safe.
Ground-floor west is empty.
I'm not staying here as bait! Keep him between us and don't let him see you're scared! Bobby, this way! I can't, I can't! He's going to lead Bobby to the guests! Crumb, don't let him get outside! I got it.
HE SCREAMS AND YELPS BOBBY ROARS Bobby, no! Bobby! I think I've had an accident.
All in.
Let's do this.
ROARING Tom?! Hal! It's all gone wrong.
I should go and see what's happened.
It's them.
You've got to do something about them.
Hal and Tom.
They'll ruin everything.
We'll never have the chaos we need while they're around.
We should try a different approach.
You can't go back now! You've unlocked the door, you've made your choice.
You're damned already, boy.
Soaked in blood, you just don't know it.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Mr Rook, I do apologise, please forgive me.
It's just maybe our only chance.
We haven't finished our game.
What did you have? Ah, the Trinity.
Very good.
Hard to beat.
But not impossible.
Do you think Tom'll be OK? If he had the wherewithal to protect me, we'll just have to hope he can look after Bobby.
See? Totally normal.
THEY LAUGH CRUMB: Isn't this nice? You do make a handsome couple.
Dude, seriously, shut up, all right? If a human fancies another human, then they send a flirty text.
So, is using and humiliating someone else a supernatural thing? Cos I'm still getting to grips with it all! You've got completely the wrong idea about our relationship.
I feel frightened and humiliated and it's making me thirsty.
I need to go home now! Yeah, it was a burst pipe, fused the circuits.
Until it's mended, the whole of West Block is out of commission, so move any guests to East Block.
No, no, no.
Don't let anyone enter West Block, do you understand? OK, look, there's something I need to I'll be back in 20 minutes.
The blood-lust will spike occasionally, it's perfectly normal.
Especially at times of stress.
Such as a werewolf attack.
I'll strap you in the chair overnight, you'll be absolutely fine.
It's true then? You and Alex? It doesn't matter what we feel, the situation Look.
Ian.
It's been a long night.
We'll talk tomorrow.
Lead on, MacDuff.
GROANING Bobby! Where are we? Have they locked us up again? No, it's all right, mate.
We're at the hotel.
Did we kill anyone? No.
But it was close.
Look, I'm sorry.
I should have made sure you were safely locked up at home.
You got here in the end.
Yeah, but I shouldn't have had to.
And it's not just that.
Erm, I might have exaggerated a bit about some of the things I've done.
Like, I weren't engaged to Vanessa Mae and I ain't got a Commonwealth medal in the discus.
I just said it to impress you, like.
I thought as much.
You didn't need to though.
I thought you was brilliant as soon as I met you.
Really? Yeah.
You had me at "Hotel and Leisure Management".
Thanks, Bobby.
Ah.
Thought I heard voices.
Should I come back in a minute? Get off me, Bobby! Inside, always keep it inside.
It's a fresh start.
I'm going to go to night-school, get some O-levels.
I'm going to do a first aid course, I'm going to learn a new language and Tom says I can stay here permanently.
Oh, and this was decided when, exactly? Erm, I just thought it would be a nice surprise.
It certainly is that.
Er, do me a favour, let me know when you're telling Hal.
There is no way I'm missing that.
Speaking of Hal, actually, should he not be back? Oh, he must have got held up at home.
I'll go and check.
We need some new clothes anyway.
Cool, I'll come with you.
Right, Bobby, you're in charge mate, yeah? It's still early, so just man the phones and let the kitchen take care of breakfast.
Yeah? Thanks.
I can do this.
Oi.
Rin Tin Tin.
What kind of useless werewolf are you? MUMBLING: You can't even I'm sorry sir, I can't hear you.
Come closer.
Wakey, wakey, Lord Hal.
It's not like you need the beauty sleep, is it? Not nice, is it? Waking up in here, not sure whether you've been bummed or not.
What do you want? I want you to feel helpless and alone.
All this time, you've been trying to turn me into you.
Well, I want you to see what my world is like.
I haven't been trying to turn you into anything.
I just wanted to remind you of the life you had, the life you can have again.
Yeah, the life I had until you turned me into a vampire, like you! Crumb.
Ian.
You need to let me out.
That was a laugh, but then back you came and said I had to be all clean and tidy, like you.
Listen to me.
I'm not feeling Crumb! He's coming! Let me out! I'll never be like you! I'll never look like you! I'll never have the things you had.
I'll never have Alex! You think I will? You think I could ever allow myself to love someone ever again? I'm irredeemable! I killed and destroyed everyone I ever cared about.
Crumb, let me out! What are you do? Hal?! Crumb Your face.
You thought you'd lost your reflection, didn't you? Well take a good look, boy.
This is you.
This is us.
We're not cursed, we are the curse.
But you said I can have a life again He lied.
You might get If you're lucky and stupid enough to try.
But it won't last.
It'll find you.
It always finds you.
HE GASPS FOR BREATH He was here, wasn't he? Every day he's getting nearer, like a tidal wave.
It's not long now.
He's going to destroy everything.
Is that going to be me one day? It's the waiting I can't stand.
The fight between good and bad.
I just want it to stop! I bet you can relate to that.
So let's force fate's hand.
Let's cut to the last chapter.
Drink the werewolf blood and you save yourself, save everyone else.
Drink the human blood and you become that monster again.
For good and proper.
I half expected you to hit me then.
Why fight? Exactly.
Dealer's choice.
Cheers.
ALEX: Hal? Iechyd da.
What are you two doing down? Looks like I win.
What's going on?! Hal, were you going to drink that? I don't know.
I really don't know.
Bobby! Bobby? HE SNIFFS THE AIR He's in here, must be having a nap.
Thank you for doing this.
I'm sorry, I know it must My department is closed! You don't know how many favours I had to call in for this! And to cover up that mess last night I think we're quits on favours.
I don't understand, he was so happy.
He was looking forward to moving in and everything.
He was what?! Which would have been great fun.
It's my fault, it was the shock of last night.
I should've made sure he'd got home safe.
This doesn't make sense.
Something must have happened.
She made me feel things.
What things? Feelings.
Please, you must have leftover stock What's up with you tonight? Every time I think I know who you are, it turns out I'm wrong.
Usually because someone's dead! HE LAUGHS